Sirius' Confession

0o0o0o

November ended in a whirl of terrible weather, and December was no more cheerful; feet of snow capped the mountaintops and every square yard of the Hogwarts grounds, and the temperatures fell through the floor. To Severus' surprise Neasa had decided to stay at Hogwarts over Christmas, saying that there was no point in visiting Dublin since her parents were visiting family abroad. He wasn't complaining: he was looking forward to their first Christmas together, even if it did make him sound soppy.

The day before term was to end Severus was called to a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and, unluckily for him, he was the first to arrive at Grimmauld Place.

He rang the doorbell specifically to make Sirius's mother's portrait start shouting and annoy Sirius, who in turn mockingly pointed out the end of Severus's cloak was drenched.

"It's snowing outside – but you obviously wouldn't know that," Severus sneered, and made his way into the kitchen. He took his seat next to Molly and opposite from Remus, and the former pushed a mug of steaming tea into his hands.

"You're soaked through – let me take your cloak," she fussed. After she'd left the cloak levitating by the fire she asked Severus cheerfully, "Any plans for Christmas?"

Sirius returned, and he no longer wore a scowl, so Severus decided to change that: he looked at Molly with a falsely pleasant smile and said, "I'm seeing someone, Molly, so I'll spend Christmas with her."

Sirius's scowl was well and truly back.

"Who is she?" Molly asked, beaming.

"Albus's secretary – Neasa Casey. We're very happy," Severus said.

As other members of the Order began arriving Molly started bustling around them, offering them hot mugs of tea and coffee, and Severus took a great deal of pleasure in seeing Sirius's lips were still angrily pursed thin.

"So I'm sorry to say I won't be able to join you all for Christmas," Severus said quietly.

"I wasn't holding my breath," Sirius muttered. "What did you do – slip her a love potion?"

"I wouldn't need to. You, on the other hand–"

Sirius leaned forward. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Severus remained the picture of unfazed, leaning back in his chair and taking a casual sip of tea, before replying, "Only that I can't imagine what woman would chose you – after all, you can't even walk out your front door. You've got a price on your head."

Christmas itself passed peacefully. That day in London Severus went to Diagon Alley to buy Neasa an enchanted cloak which was charmed to literally keep whoever wore it warm from the cold – and she gifted him a book about Potions and a new cauldron, since his old one was becoming unusable.

They ate Christmas dinner in the Great Hall with the other remaining staff members and a handful of students. A delightful, intimate feast of turkey, ham, pastries, potatoes, pies, cranberries, and cake, accompanied by a toast from Albus. They exchanged crackers and jokes and paper crowns, and even had a small dance once dinner had finished.

It was the first Christmas in a long time that Severus had truly savoured and enjoyed, and it was all because of Neasa. She had, somehow, swept him off his feet and given him a new appreciation for life. Severus still didn't understand how she had managed to do it - she had somehow even convinced him to put up a few Christmas decorations in his normally gloomy rooms, which was where they spent the rest of their Christmas Day together. They drank mulled wine and read novels to each other by the firelight, stopping occasionally to admire the snow outside the window or to talk and kiss as lovers do. Eventually, with all the excitement of the day subsided, they fell asleep in front of the fire.

0o0o0o

On the night of Christmas Day, Sirius waited alone in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, feeling apprehensive. He was flicking through a new copy of From Wands to Firearms: The Story of Irish Wizards in the Fight for Irish Independence. When the clock struck one, he left the room, holding the book in one hand and wand in the other; in the corridor he cast a quick Silencing Charm above him in case any of his guests were awake.

He took careful steps towards the front door and opened it by just an inch, peering through the thin gap. He waited until he heard the faint pop of a nearby Apparation, and in the shadows saw the figure of a witch crossing the road, holding a small book in her hand. She opened the rusty gate and walked up the path to the house, and Sirius opened the door.

He raised his wand at her, and she mirrored. They watched each other for a moment, before Sirius asked, "Where did I take you on our first date?"

"A Quidditch match – we went on your flying motorbike. You bought us Butterbeers and we ran into the Potters while finding our seats," the woman said automatically.

Sirius accepted her answer for he lowered his wand, and let her in; as soon as the doors were closed she enveloped him in a tight hug.

"Merry Christmas," she whispered, a beam on her face – Sirius's lips had been turned down until now, but her spirit was infectious.

"Merry Christmas, Róisín," he replied sincerely.

Róisín released him. "I got you this," she said in an undertone, giving him the thin book. "You always said you liked Yeats."

"Yeats," Sirius said, and barked a laugh, then hastily added at her shushing him, "It's okay – I've got a Silencing Charm up."

"What did you get me?" Róisín asked eagerly, ceasing her whispering. Sirius pulled out the copy of From Wands to Firearms and gave it to her; she gave an excited yelp and smilied brightly.

"Thank you!" she gushed. "It's exactly what I wanted!"

She gazed fondly at the front cover for another moment, and then pocketed the book and looked up at Sirius.

"How have you been?" she asked. "I… wasn't sure you wanted to see me this Christmas."

"Your letter was a bit out of the blue – but with the post being monitored I couldn't reply, could I? But of course I wanted to see you – I thought I'd be spending the holidays alone, until Harry and the Weasley family turned up."

"How's Arthur?" asked Róisín.

"He's better – he's on Blood-Replenishing Potion every hour."

Róisín just nodded, and Sirius said, "Ró, listen… I owe you an apology. For being short with you when we spoke last – I shouldn't have been. You're giving up so much for me – for Harry – and… I really appreciate your help."

Róisín smiled hopefully, and asked, "We're okay?"

Sirius laid the book of Yeats's poetry on a nearby mantelpiece and reached to hold Róisín's hands.

"We're okay," he said truthfully, smiling softly, but he looked away a little too fast, and Róisín noticed.

"Are you?" she asked.

Sirius sighed, his lips turning down again. The Christmas cheer he'd had all week was beginning to ebb away.

"I'm… less okay," he said.

Róisín looked expectantly at him, waiting for an elaboration, which he gave: "It's not about you – it's not. I just feel trapped in this house. I feel useless to the Order – and Snape makes sure to rub my nose in it every time he's here."

"He does?" Róisín asked, concern in her voice.

"It's nothing – we've been at odds all our lives. Look… everyone else is out there, living their lives, while I'm wasting away here. Is it ever going to end?"

"You've got Harry," Róisín offered, "and Remus, and… me."

Sirius smiled gratefully. "I do have you. I can't tell you how much it means that you're back in my life."

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you'll always hold a special place in my heart," Róisín replied.

"I missed you so much during all my years in Azkaban," Sirius said, pulling Róisín into a warm hug. "And then when I got out - I wanted to make contact, but I was so afraid you would..."

"Hand you in to the authorities?" Róisín asked, and Sirius chuckled. Róisín buried her head in Sirius' neck, breathing in that familiar honey scent. His hair felt so soft under her cold hand. "I probably would have, had Dumbledore not gotten to me first and talked me out of it."

"I wouldn't have blamed you, even if you had. After all... you thought I'd given away James and Lily and killed Peter."

"We all did - but we were wrong, and that's what's important," Róisín said as she gently let go of Sirius, their eyes meeting once more in the dim light. Sirius' brows were softly furrowed, prompting Róisín to ask, "Are you alright?"

"One of the main reasons I missed you so much was that I missed having someone to confide in. There's something I need to talk to you about Harry."

Being careful to move the Silencing Charm with them, Sirius guided Róisín into the drawing room on the first floor, where they both sat on one dark blue sofa.

"I see you've scrubbed up the place since I was here in the summer," Róisín remarked, taking in the large room.

"Yes - all thanks to Harry and his friends," Sirius said, with a smile. He looked back to Róisín and said, "So.. There's something wrong with Harry."

"What is it?"

"Dumbledore seems to suspect that there exists some sort of connection between Harry and Voldemort... As if Voldemort is able to see into Harry's mind and control it... Manipulate it. Hence, Snape is going to start giving Harry Occlumency lessons in the New Year. But... Harry is afraid that there is something bad - broken - inside him."

"Broken?" Róisín asked.

"Even if there does exist such a connection between them, it doesn't make them the same person," Sirius replied softly.

"Well, yeah, obviously."

"It's not obvious to Harry," said Sirius. "That's the problem - he's losing faith in himself."

He sighed deeply, letting his face fall into his hands. Róisín inched closer and gently placed her hand on his knee.

"Sometimes I wonder if... Am I a good godfather? Am I doing this right?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"Oh, Sirius, of course you are," Róisín said. She reached out and gently took Sirius' hands down, softly wiping away his tears with her sleeve.

"I can't help but feel as if I've failed him," Sirius sobbed. "If I hadn't been so - so - insistent that James choose Peter as the Secret Keeper, Peter would never have given them away... If I hadn't been so hot-headed and chased Peter into that crowd, he might not have escaped and... I wouldn't have ended up in Azkaban."

The tears kept falling and Róisín wiped each one away.

"Perhaps Harry would have had a happier childhood with me instead of his horrible aunt and uncle."

"Sirius, you know as well as I do that Dumbledore wouldn't have let that happen. Harry needed to stay with Petunia because she is his blood relative. Lily's love has been what's protected him since her death. That love carries on in blood."

"I'm sorry - I'm sorry," Sirius shook his head, suddenly embarrassed, "I normally don't cry this much - I just - I've been bottling this up for a while."

"I'm here for you," Róisín said gently. The cuffs of her sleeves now thoroughly damp, she wiped away the last of Sirius's tears with her thumbs. Even when his tears were gone, Róisín kept her hand on his cheek, gently stroking it with the backs of her fingers. For a moment they just held each other's gaze, both lost in a haze of memories and nostalgia.

"If Azkaban hadn't happened... I was going to propose to you," Sirius said, breaking the silence.

"I would have said yes in an instant," Róisín replied, smiling softly at him. "Besides, I had a feeling that's what you were planning. I never found a ring or anything, but I could always read you like a book."

Sirius laughed softly and took Róisín's hand in his own, lowering it from his face. He inched closer to her, and for a moment Róisín thought he was going to kiss her, and her heart leapt into her throat - but instead he kissed her forehead and pulled her into a warm hug.