Hold Me

0o0o0o

The door of Severus' office closed behind Neasa with a soft click. She felt her heart throb in her throat followed by a deep, sick feeling of dread. Tears stung her eyes and slowly trickled down her cheeks. Her cascade of emotions was quickly followed by one overpowering one: anger.

She felt a deep, red anger rise within her and consume her. How could she have let this happen? Why did she put herself in this position? Who was to blame?

Well, that was easy. Neasa was to blame – obviously. It was Neasa who had pursued Severus and had lied to him about her identity. She knew deep down that it was wrong, but she had always been a 'big picture' sort of person and refused to admit to herself that her actions were wrong. But she had also been selfish – she had wanted Severus so badly that she had been willing to take the biggest gamble of her life. She knew that Severus and Sirius hated each other (but had no idea why until this evening) and she knew that Severus wouldn't trust her if he found out she had lied about her identity. Despite all that, her selfishness had overridden her conscience and she had willingly, knowingly, deceived the man she loved for months.

But... was she really the only one to blame for this? Sirius also hadn't been honest with her about bullying Severus all those years ago. She had wanted to tell Severus the truth early on in their relationship but Sirius had blocked her. He was convinced that Severus would immediately betray them – no matter how much Neasa begged, Sirius wouldn't hear of it. So, really... this was his fault, wasn't it?

Armed with this new realisation, Neasa stormed out of the castle and ran as far away as she could, tears still streaming down her cheeks, through her hair, running down her neck. She sprinted all the way to the gates of the castle grounds, her breath becoming more and more laboured, her legs aching for respite, the soles of her shoes slapping the ground harder and harder with each pace. Finally, as she passed the gates, she leaped into the air with a twist and apparated to Grimmauld Place.

She landed with a hard thump in the middle of the road with a pair of dazzling lights shining in her eyes. Barely having the chance to register the car racing towards her, or the mortal danger she was in, she jumped up off the ground and threw herself into a bush. Once the car had passed and she was confident the driver would not return to investigate the disappearing pedestrian, she slowly crept out from the bush and approached No. 11 Gimmauld Place.

As she wished No. 12 into existence, it appeared, slowly pushing No. 11 aside. Once the rumbling brick ceased, Neasa swiftly approached the door and angrily banged three times. Within moments, Sirius answered the door, his face quickly falling when he saw the tears still clouding Neasa's sight.

Not giving him a chance to speak, Neasa started, "Severus broke up with me."

Sirius' mouth held open in a gape for a moment, before he pulled Neasa's hand to guide her inside and closed the door behind her. He placed his hands on either side of her shoulders and held her gaze for a moment, his face hard to read through the tears still falling down Neasa's cheeks. He tenderly wiped them away and pulled her into a deep hug.

Neasa abruptly pushed him away and sobbed, "I know about what you did to him in school! How could you?!"

Sirius swayed for a moment, regaining his balance. As her words sunk in, his face fell, and he finally spoke: "How did you find out?"

"Severus told me everything!" Neasa wailed. "He- he told me how you and James bullied him and made his life hell. I trusted you! How could you do that to someone?!"

"Look – Róisín – let's not talk about this by the door – come in to the kitchen and we can talk about anything you want."

Sirius gently placed his hand on Neasa's back and, too tired to bother rejecting his touch, she allowed him guide her into the kitchen and sit her down at the long dining table. He offered her a tissue from a box and she took it, quickly blowing her nose and tidying her eyes.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," Neasa hissed.

Sirius sat down in the chair next to her and, for a moment, held his forehead in his hand, not wanting to meet her keen eyes.

"I admit, I... treated Snape badly during our time in Hogwarts. But, to be honest, it was nothing compared to what James would do-"

"I don't care about James!" Neasa snapped.

"Just... listen to me," Sirius sighed, holding up a hand to silence Neasa. He slowly met her accusatory eyes. "James and Snape hated each other from the first moment. Snape was... a weird child – he followed Lily around everywhere and wouldn't leave her alone – he was a Slytherin and we were all Gryffindor, so there was automatically a rivaly between us regardless, but... well, I suppose James was the one who really started it. And I was his best friend, so I looked the other way and... sometimes, yes, I would join in, I would egg him on... and then, over time, it just got worse and worse and Snape became more and more dark, until eventually, he found solace in Malfoy's gang of thugs and that only fed into his ego."

Neasa couldn't believe it. It didn't make sense. How could Sirius be so horrible?

"But wasn't there even a little part of you that knew it was wrong?" she pleaded.

"Yes, of course, but..." Sirius shrugged. "To be honest, it felt good to know that we were popular and he was not."

Even as he spoke, it was clear that he hated the words coming out of his mouth. He shook his head slowly, and added softly, "If I could take it back – of course I would. In an instant – I wish I could undo all of it. I just... I looked up to James so much – he was my best friend and I couldn't fault him."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Neasa asked.

"Who wants to admit to being a bully?" Sirius asked. "When we first met, you know that from the first moment I only had eyes for you and all I wanted to do was impress you. And I did – I told you all of our ridiculous stories from Hogwarts and I remember how much I made you laugh, and how much I loved hearing your laugh, and I didn't want you to think badly of me... or of James, for that matter."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I know that we were immature dumb things during our Hogwarts years, but when we were Aurors together and when he and Lily got married, he really quietened down... he softened. He was a good man."

Silence befell the pair – the heavy kind which makes itself acutely known. Neasa broke it with her sniffles, causing Sirius to glance at her in concern.

"I don't understand – where is all of this coming from? What has all of this got to do with Snape and you?" he asked.

Neasa glared at him, the anger once again rising in her stomach.

"As you know, obviously, Severus knows my real identity and his trust in me is completely broken... He thought he was in a relationship with someone completely different, and he broke it off because..."

"Because?"

"I think you know," Neasa snapped.

"I'm your ex, and... I was his bully."

Neasa sobbed into her tissues and Sirius sat back into his chair, his eyes softly closing as his head rested on the back of his chair. He was abruptly woken from his reverie by Neasa hitting his arm.

"How could you?!" she screamed, grabbing a fistful of his jacket before harshly pushing him away.

"Stop it!" Sirius snapped.

"This is all your fault!" Neasa shouted.

Sirius pushed her fists away from him and asked, "How in Merlin's beard is this my fault?!"

"If you had told me the truth about yours and Severus' and James' relationship, I would have known better but to listen to you when you told me to lie to Severus!"

Sirius held Neasa's gaze steadily, not following her in the slightest.

Neasa huffed and added, "Remember when I visited at Christmas? I wanted to tell Severus because we had only been properly together for a couple of weeks and I thought that it was time to be honest with him. I came to you to ask your advice – as my friend – and you... you're so selfish! You wanted me all to yourself so you gave me some bullshit excuse about 'What if Severus blows your cover to Umbridge?' and I fell for it hook, line and sinker!"

She smacked his arm again: "I wish I'd never listened to you! You never wanted me to be with Severus at all, did you? You wanted us to break up, didn't you?"

Sirius tenderly rubbed his arm where she had hurt him and answered slowly, "Look, I... I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted you and Snape to break up because of my bad advice... I can see now that I should have told you to be honest, but... trust me, I was genuinely worried that he would blow up and blow your cover – purposefully or not. You have to understand – Harry is the most important thing to me in this world. More important than Snape's feelings."

Neasa continued to cry into her tissues. Sirius reached out and gently placed his arm around her, pulling her into a side hug.

"Róisín... you have to realise, I didn't know it would lead to this. I want you to be happy... even if that means with Snape. I'm so, so sorry I didn't make you feel as if you had a choice about telling him. It was wrong of me to meddle in your relationship. And... I'm sorry I lied to you about my Hogwarts days. I should have been honest with you."

"Yes, you should have," Neasa snapped, still crying into her hands.

"I know that you don't feel like any of this is fair-"

"Fair?!" Neasa threw the tissues down on the table and turned to Sirius, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and shaking him. "Exactly what part of this is fair? Fair would have been you being honest with me all that time ago – fair would have been you letting me tell Severus the truth at Christmas. Fair would be Severus not breaking up with me now. If you were so keen on keeping me around, then fair would have been you fighting for me when you still had the chance!"

Sirius grabbed Neasa's wrists and pried his jacket out of her tight grip.

"You want to talk about fair?" he snapped, his hands still tightly bound around her wrists. "Fair would be James and Lily still being alive! Fair would be me not having gone to Azkaban! Fair would be you and me getting married all those years ago! The best I've got is a godson who's entire childhood I missed out on!"

"Why didn't you fight for me, then?!" Neasa shouted, wrestling her wrists away from his tight grasp. "If you had wanted to get back together so much – why didn't you fight for it? Why did you let me go?!"

"You want me to fight for you?" Sirius asked, his breath laboured from all his shouting.

"If you wanted me back so badly then bloody do something about it!" Neasa screamed, "Don't just sit back and watch me fall in love with another man and then complain about it from the sidelines-!"

Sirius pulled Neasa closer and closed the short distance between their lips, kissing her, pouring years of desire and desperation into it. At first, Neasa seemed to resist, but only for a moment before she melted into him and returned the kiss with just as much passion.

Several long beats of silence passed by as their lips worked together, their breath held in mid air. Sirius broke the silence with a soft, delicious moan and Neasa took this as a cue to deepen the kiss, pulling him in closer to her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she felt his hand reach around and cup the back of her head, his fingers curling themselves into a ball. The gentle pull on her hair transported her back to their first night together all those years ago - this was Sirius' signature move and it felt incredible. She had no idea how much she had wanted this with him until it was finally happening. She had no idea how much she wanted him.

Sirius' other hand dropped to her waist and he pulled her towards him, prompting her to straddle his lap. His fingers returned to where he knew Neasa liked them - softly tugging on her hair, his nails gently scratching the back of her neck. All of her anger she poured into kissing him, but even after all of these years, he knew how to handle her. He knew exactly how to kiss her. It felt like no time had passed at all.

Where Severus had been soft like smoldering embers, Sirius was now fiery like a roaring blaze. This felt so, so familiar and so, so good. They didn't need to speak a word to know exactly what the other liked. Neasa knew that Sirius gently tapping her neck was him asking permission to kiss it - which she gladly gave, pulling him as close to her as she could. She couldn't hold back her soft sighs and moans as he kissed her neck, remembering exactly where she liked a gentle bite and where she preferred his lips. Her hands slipped under his jacket and she ran her nails down his back through the fabric of his shirt, eliciting another soft moan from him. She felt his hands slip underneath her legs and, without warning, he picked her up and stood up, prompting her to wrap her arms around his shoulders as he gently placed her into the table. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, closing the distance between them again.

Sirius finally parted from her neck - but not after making her feel dizzyingly good - and pressed his forehead against hers. His eyes were still closed, but Neasa tilted his head up to meet her gaze, opening them again. Their breath was hot and rapid and that, mixed with the taste of Sirius' lips and his soft, honey scent, made Neasa weak to temptation.

"Róisín," Sirius finally managed to whisper, "I'm sorry - I shouldn't have - you and Snape only broke up today - I'm sorry-"

"I want this," Neasa said firmly. "I want you. Now. Tonight."

"But... No, you're hurting, it's too soon-"

"I'm not saying I want a relationship. I'm saying I want sex. That's all."

Sirius sighed, shaking his head. "I can't tell you - I can't tell you how long I've wanted this with you, but I don't want to hurt anyone."

"All I want right now is comfort," Neasa replied. "When I'm with you, I feel like I'm twenty-something again and I just want to feel that way for one night. I just want to forget about it all. I'm not cheating on anyone - I'm... single, remember? You're not going to hurt anyone."

"No strings attached?" Sirius asked.

"No strings attached," Neasa said.