The Morning After

Note: I changed the title of this story because I think this title suits it better! Still the same story though :)

also fyi I made some changes to chapter 21!

Flecks of dust spun and floated in the air, highlighted by the powerful rays of the morning sun.

The first thing Neasa noticed as she woke up was the pair of strong arms wrapped around her from behind. Sirius.

The previous day came flooding back into her mind. Severus' cruel words cutting through her heart like a blade - her literally running away from her problems and into the arms of an ex. What had she done?

Before she could go too far down that path, Sirius murmured, "Morning."

Neasa found his hand among the covers and brought it up to her lips, giving it a gentle kiss.

"Morning," she replied.

Sirius pulled her in closer to him, burying his nose into her hair, where he planted a few gentle kisses onto her temple. She turned over to face him, wrapping her leg around his waist. She rested her hand on his chest, tracing around his tattoos, feeling the soft hair below her fingertips. This felt like the most natural thing in the world - the only difference was how they had both aged. For over a year in their youth, they had woken up to each other like this and often continued the previous night's fun. This time, however, they just lay there, breathing each other in.

"Did you sleep well?" Sirius asked, his voice slightly raspy.

"Better than I have in weeks," Neasa replied. "You?"

"Better than I have in years," he said, reaching out with his hand to stroke her cheek. "Should we... talk? About last night."

Neasa winced. "I'm sorry." I don't want to drag you into my drama.

Sirius smiled, not understanding. His fingertip brushed her jawline. "What are you apologising for? It was... amazing."

"The sex, you mean?"

"Yeah," he said, a concern flashing through his eyes. "It was... good for you too, right?"

"Oh - of course," Neasa laughed softly. "You've always been fantastic in bed, you know that. It felt..." she smiled, pulling him in closer, "...so right."

But so wrong.

Sirius chuckled. "I'm glad. I feel so much like myself when I'm with you."

"So do I," Neasa said, smiling. She reached up and absently started playing with his hair, curling it around her fingertips.

"I feel like I'm whole when you're around," Sirius continued. Neasa felt her heart sink because... She didn't reply, only offering him a small smile.

He went on, "Róisín - I know that we said that last night would be just physical, but... I would be lying if I said it was just physical for me."

"So... what did it mean for you?" Neasa asked, with trepidation.

Sirius cupped her face gently in his hands and softly kissed her lips one, twice, three times. It made Neasa's heart ache in her chest because of how much she cared for him, how much she'd missed his kiss for all the years they were separated - but equally, and painfully, of how much she loved Severus.

"I love you," Sirius said.

"Sirius-"

"Listen, I know that you can't say it back right now, and I wouldn't want you to say it back just for my sake," he continued, his forehead gently pressed against hers. "But last night meant so much to me because I never stopped loving you - not even for a moment. All of my years in Azkaban weren't enough to stop me from thinking about you and missing you. I've wanted you back in my arms for so long that I couldn't believe last night was happening even while it was happening. I love you, and... I want to be with you."

Neasa could feel tears pricking her eyes. "Sirius, I can't-"

"I know - I don't mean to force your hand - I just needed you to know that... that's how I feel, and... we're never off the table, if you ever want to pick up where we left off."

0o0o0o

After saying goodbye to Sirius, Neasa had returned to Hogwarts and begun the painful process of picking her life back up after the devastating events of the previous day. She first passed by the Great Hall and grabbed a quick breakfast of a croissant and tea before making her way back to her rooms in the staff dormitories. All the while, she kept her head down and moved swiftly, not wanting to risk running into Severus.

As she approached her door, she found a small cardboard box just outside it. She opened the box to reveal a collection of her belongings - some clothes, makeup, toiletries, a few books, a pair of shoes, jewelry... These were the items she had promised Severus she would clear out of his rooms yesterday.

Her heart sank. While Severus was packing up her belongings and leaving them by her door, she was sleeping with his sworn enemy. How could she possibly explain this to him?

She picked up the box and left it in the bottom of her wardrobe. She examined it for a moment and decided to cover it up with her jacket - she instinctively reached for the coat hanger by the door, but found it empty. Dammit. She had left her jacket at Sirius' house. Instead, she threw a blanket over it so that she would not have to see it every morning.

She glanced at the clock: 8 o'clock. She still had an hour before she needed to be at work, so she set an alarm and lay down on her bed, softly closing her eyes.

Flashes of the previous night flew through her mind. Severus' heartbroken frame as he hunched by the fireplace in his office, the intensity of his anger as he belittled Sirius. The sorrow that flashed through Sirius' eyes when he learned of their breakup... The hope that quickly followed it. Their lips barely parting for a moment as they clumsily made their way up to his bedroom. Shoes being haphazardly kicked aside, clothes being thrown on the floor. Their laboured breath and heaving chests... The scars and tattoos that adorned Sirius' arms. Being enveloped in vulnerability and passion and warm blankets and his hot skin. He felt so good that she could have cried...

Severus' heartbroken plea. "I need space. I need time. Alone."

Sirius' departing words to her. "We're never off the table, if you ever want to pick up where we left off."

Neasa's heart ached so hard that she clutched her chest, tears beginning to flow freely from her eyes into her pillow. She felt nothing but pain and grief and anger - her heart, her head, her hands, her stomach, her body all felt a dull, deep ache that no amount of hysterical crying would fix. She cried so hard she feared that someone might hear, but she didn't care. Her breath was hot against her tear-stained hands, her throat raw from howling into her duvet. She pressed her forehead into her knees, locking her hands around her feet and curling into the tightest possible ball. The back of her spine arched around as the tension built in her body, and she released it by kicking out her legs and punching the mattress, her limbs flailing around like a desperate animal of prey being thwarted by a predator. She kept hitting the mattress and thumping the pillows until she finally extracted the feathers, which she balled into her fists and threw into the air, screaming her pain into clusters of feathers, some of them catching on her wet cheeks. Finally, when there were no pillows left to destroy and she had punched a suitably large dent into the bed, she relented, collapsing into the duvet with a final, pitiful, pathetic cry. Feathers swirled up into the air around her and gently settled on her back and in her hair. She lay there, occasionally managing another soft, pained sob, her throat on fire from her screaming, until the alarm clock buzzed.

She grabbed it in her hand and threw it as hard as she could muster at the door, allowing it to shatter and clatter onto the floor.

0o0o0o

A soft knock rapped on Neasa's door.

"Neasa?" a soft Scottish voice called. "Are you in there?"

Neasa sluggishly pulled herself up from her bed and made her way to the door, a trail of pillow feathers following her. She opened the door to Minerva McGonagall's kind, concerned face and mustered the most polite tone she could.

"Good morning, Minerva," she said.

Minerva's face fell when she saw Neasa's awful state. She took in Neasa's dry eyes, her red splotched cheeks, the feathers still stuck to her face and hair and clothes, and then softly said, "Merlin, Neasa... What happened? You missed this morning's staff meeting... Are you alright?"

"Severus... Broke up with me last night," Neasa murmured, not meeting Minerva's concerned eyes.

"Oh, my dear," Minerva said, pulling Neasa into a hug. "What happened?"

"How long have you got?" Neasa asked, returning the hug with weak, tired arms.

Minerva helped Neasa clean up the feathers and summoned the Hogwarts elves to change the bedsheets and bring new pillows and a new alarm clock. Meanwhile, Neasa explained everything: how she and Sirius met in the British Auror Department, how she had believed him guilty for fourteen years, how, after Voldemort's return, Dumbledore had travelled to Dublin to recruit Neasa, how Sirius had hired her to be Harry Potter's bodyguard, how she had been keeping a distant eye on him all year... How she had fallen in love with Severus, how she had lied to him, how he had found out, how he had ended things and she had run back to Sirius...

At the end of it all, Minerva was speechless.

"Oh, Neasa- I mean, Róisín..."

"No, keep using Neasa," Neasa replied. "It's easier that way."

Minerva nodded, understanding.

"I'm so sorry," she said softly. "I wish Albus had told me about all this so that you would feel less alone... I wish you and Severus hadn't had to suffer in silence for the past month. I knew something was wrong between you two, but I could never have guessed..."

She pulled Neasa into another warm hug. When they parted, Neasa asked, "Have you seen Severus this morning?"

"He was at the staff meeting but he didn't speak to anyone," Minerva said.

"You've known him longer... How do you think he's taking it all?"

Minerva sighed. "Severus needs his time. He's a deeply private person, but... I think he will come around in his own time. He's a very forgiving person, to the people he loves."