Help Me See Reason

Note: thank you guys for your patience! Here is the much expected next chapter :)

"What happened, Severus?"

Severus slumped back in his chair, letting his head rest on the wood behind him.

"I don't know where to begin," he murmured.

"Start at the beginning," Albus replied. Severus sighed deeply, feeling all too exhausted to even speak.

"The same night that you disappeared, I found out the truth about Neasa's employment here," he began, and noticed that Albus' face softened. "Look, I... I don't understand why you didn't tell me. I can understand Sirius not wanting me to know - he's never trusted me, anyway - and I can understand Neasa not wanting anyone except you and Sirius to know at the beginning, but I never thought that - after all I've done for you - that you would leave me out of such an important decision."

"Ultimately, Severus, it was not my decision to hire Neasa. It was Sirius'. Knowing that the British Auror Office would never agree to station an Auror in Hogwarts to protect Harry, he wanted to appeal to Auros abroad, and the Auror on the top of his list was Neasa. On his instruction, I travelled to Dublin to meet Neasa in her office and I explained everything to her. I appealed to that part of her which was left broken hearted after Sirius' wrongful capture. She agreed to help, on the condition that she have a chance to meet Sirius in Grimmauld Place and hear the story of the night the Potters were killed from his perspective."

"Why did you keep me in the dark? I didn't need to know the details, but even if you had just told me she was a member of the Order or something..."

Albus slowly shook his head, causing Severus to trail off.

"Sirius wouldn't hear of it," he said. "He just didn't trust you to not try and get rid of Neasa, the same way you tried to get rid of Remus two years ago."

Severus couldn't argue this point. Albus was right - Sirius had probably made the right call.

"So why didn't Neasa tell me?" he pleaded. "Why did she lie to me?"

Albus' eyes softened. "I think you know the reason. She loves you."

"No - no! You haven't heard the worst of it yet!" Severus hissed. "Yesterday, we broke up because of this. I couldn't trust her after she lied to me for so long, even though she promised she never would again. She promised me that she had no feelings left for Sirius, and yet, last night, she slept with him."

He felt hot tears stinging his eyes once again but he didn't break eye contact with Albus, who took several moments to respond.

"I understand why that would hurt you-"

"Do you?!" Severus snapped. "I- for so many years, I felt so alone - you were practically my only real friend - and then I finally - finally - find someone who I can love and it turns out that she used to be with one of my worst enemies! Not only that, she assures me that she has no feelings for him, despite still carrying his photograph all of these years. After assuring me of that fact, she sleeps with him the same day we break up!"

"But she was with Sirius after your relationship ended," Albus said gently. "You lost the right to have a say over who she sleeps with when you broke up with her."

"No, no, you're missing the point!" Severus replied, exasperated. He let his head fall into his hands. "The very same day! Don't you realise how hurtful that is? And Sirius seemed pretty confident that things were rosy between them! He even apologised to me, as if that makes it any better!"

"Sirius' actions here are not important," said Albus clearly. "Would it really have made a difference if she had waited a few days to sleep with him?"

Severus slowly shook his head.

"No, it would have hurt the same, and justifiably so. Have you spoken to Neasa about it?"

He winced, not wanting to remember the horrible things he had said to Neasa that evening.

"I see," Albus said. "It doesn't matter what Sirius says or how he feels. What's important is that you need to find out what that night meant to Neasa."

A few beats of silence passed, ended by Albus softly murmuring, "Look at me, Severus."

Severus slowly met the older man's eyes.

"I know that the truth will be scary to find out, but it's better to know now whether she wants to be with Sirius rather than finding out later in life. I know how difficult it will be for you if she chooses Sirius, but you have to let her choose - otherwise, you'll always doubt her love."

"Neasa won't want to speak to me now," Severus muttered darkly. Albus gave him a puzzled look, and he added hesitantly, "I said some horrid things to her tonight. I was angry - I needed to get it out my system, but unfortunately, she got hit by it all."

Albus sighed. "Your sharp tongue was always your worst vice, Severus."

Severus sighed deeply, knowing that Albus was referring to his fight with Lily all those years ago, when he called her a mudblood and she cut off their friendship.

"I love you like a son, Severus. I have never wanted anything but happiness for you. As a young boy, I saw a darkness in you which, unfortunately, was only worsened by James and Sirius, but which was matched by an equally great gift for potions and charms. I know that you suffered during your time here - and I am truly sorry for that. I grew more worried for you as I saw the darkness begin to eclipse the goodness in you... but never fully. When you told me about Sybyll's prophecy, I knew that that was coming from a place of selflessness and love. I knew that there was always goodness in you and that it would eventually triumph, which it did."

"What's your point?" Severus asked, beginning to feel impatient.

Albus raised a wrinkled hand, silencing Severus.

"My point is that that which holds you back most in life is your inability to trust others. You need to accept Sirius' apology - and you are also owed an apology from him for his behaviour towards you during your adolescence. You need to hear this from Neasa's perspective and accept the difficult fact that she may want Sirius back."

"I don't trust people because I've been hurt so many times by people I should have been able to trust," Severus replied.

"You can't let that hold you back. You need to learn to forgive."

"How can I forgive the fact that she lied to me?"

"Severus, I said that I love you like a son, and I meant that," Albus began. "At the beginning of your relationship with Neasa, she also came to me and asked my advice about whether or not she should tell you the truth of her identity. I advised her that she should because I, also, did not think it was right to lie to you. However, she also obviously consulted Sirius, who told her otherwise. Even though I did not agree with her decision - a fact about which I made her aware - I respected it because I could see how happy she makes you. My dear boy, you cannot deny that these past few months with Neasa in your world have been among the happiest of your life."

It was true, Severus reasoned.

"I knew that it would hurt you to find out, but I knew that if you found out too early, there was a high probability you would break off the relationship prematurely, and I could not stand the idea of you missing out on finding happiness with Neasa. I love you too much to let you hurt yourself like that."

"So you just let me walk around like an idiot all year, thinking I was in a relationship with someone I was not?" Severus cried.

"Not quite. I let you experience the happiness and joy that can only come from a loving relationship such as yours."

"Well, how can I possibly go back to that after what's happened? For Merlin's sake, Albus, she lied to me! She was in a relationship with Sirius!"

"You have got to let that go!" Albus replied sternly. "Severus, what she did in her past is nothing of your concern. You simply cannot fault her for having had a relationship before you - no matter who it was with. Did you tell her about Lily?"

Severus nodded.

"And did she hold it against you?"

Severus shook his head.

"So you have to just move on, Severus. Their relationship was fifteen years ago. They were both different people back then, and so were you."

For a few moments the two men held eye contact, Albus' eyes softening at the pain and anguish on Severus' face. Then the older man added, "When I met Neasa in her Dublin office, she immediately reminded me of you. When I first met her, I could scarce believe that she used to be in a relationship with Sirius because of how different they both are. Sirius is untamed, unruly, childish at times... Neasa is down to earth, serious, astute... All of which are qualities which I would ascribe to you, not Sirius. But, Severus, you have to understand that, when Sirius was thrown in Azkaban, it broke Neasa's heart and she never found closure. You need to let her find that closure."