She shuffled slowly towards the bed, her arms crossed protectively over her midsection. Her hands trembled as she reached out for her phone. Carefully she tapped at the screen, her breath still stilted as she struggled to relax, knowing logically that the stress and worry would only make things worse. Page after page of results soon filled the screen and she scanned the words until the tears made them blur. Mild to moderate cramping can be expected after embryo transfer, implantation bleeding, common, normal. Call your doctor if you have any concerns. She let the phone slip from her hand as she felt another wave of cramps tighten in her abdomen.
"It could be normal," she whispered to herself, placing her hand against her belly. But somehow she knew. This wasn't normal. Nothing about this had been normal and the way she felt now was familiar - too familiar. These pains were the same as the ones that woke her in the middle of the night before Rose was born. They were only the beginning of the ache she would have forever. And now this child, this baby was being taken from her too - eight months before she would have had to hand her over to her parents.
A sob welled up within her and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to stop it. Guilt didn't even begin to describe it. She'd always felt empty and maybe she was. Maybe she was meant to be. Maybe everyone was right. She was unlovable, unable to be redeemed, void of all goodness. A baby could never grow within her and flourish because she was, in essence, barren of everything that is good and pure in the world.
She forced herself to her feet and managed a few steps before the cramps began again. Her own voice echoed inside her head. You wanted a way out. You said this was a mistake. You said that if you could go back … She shook her head, tears now streaming down her face. "I didn't mean it," she sobbed, letting her body slide to the floor in front of the bed. "I didn't mean it like that."
She groaned and slowly opened her eyes. Her back was tight and sore, no doubt exacerbated by spending the night curled up sleeping on the floor. The fact that she'd managed to sleep at all both shocked her and illustrated just how exhausted she truly was. It was morning - that much she could tell by the streams of sunlight filtering in through the thin curtains on the window. Her stomach still cramped slightly, but as she struggled to stand, she found the pain had lessened somewhat. Maybe if she tried to eat something.
Edmund had stocked the mini fridge when he'd visited earlier and she slowly blew out a breath as she scanned the contents. She settled on a yogurt. Chewing required a level of bravery she currently didn't possess. With each small bite, the process became easier. It wasn't enjoyable, but it was doable at least until she heard the familiar sound of the key card's beep.
"Dinah?" Edmund's sing song voice echoed out through the room. "Ah, there you are." He smiled proudly as he took in the sight of her. "It's good to see you up and moving around. And look at that." He pointed at the yogurt she held. "I see you've found your snacks. If you're craving anything that isn't there, you just make a list and I'll see to it that you have it."
She nodded. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me, Dinah. It's the least I can do considering everything you're doing for me and for Cassie. You're giving us a most precious gift and I'll do anything to help make sure that happens."
"I know you will." Her throat tightened as she tried to force the last spoonful down her throat. She felt her body reject it and she heaved in spite of herself. "Excuse me," she hissed quickly, brushing past him and hurrying into the restroom.
As soon as the door had closed behind her, she felt the tears prickling in her eyes. She reached for the handle of the faucet and relaxed a bit as the sound of the water drowned out her jagged breaths. She couldn't tell Edmund about this. She couldn't tell anyone. He'd find out soon enough and then it would be over, then she would be exactly what she'd always been - maybe what she was truly meant to be - totally and completely alone.
"Dinah! Dinah, are you alright in there?"
Her eyes flew open at the sound of his voice. "Yes," she managed. "I'm okay. Just … I don't think that yogurt agreed with me." One more deep breath filled her lungs before she pulled open the door and met his very worried gaze. "I'm okay now though. You don't need to worry."
"I do worry, Dinah. I'm going to worry. For heaven's sake, you could be carrying my child and you've not been well for the past few days. Maybe we should call the doctor. Maybe we should go in and just let them have a look and …"
"It's normal, Edmund. You're shooting me up with all these hormones and drugs and God only knows what else. It's like I'm a walking, talking, science experiment. What do you expect?!"
She saw the concern in his eyes flash for just a moment to anger before morphing back into the version of calm he'd begun to perfect. "Dinah," he said softly. "I don't think of you that way and I hope you know that I'm incredibly grateful for everything you're doing and Cassie will be too, once I find her. Once I tell her that we …" He caught himself and brushed his hands across the front of his suit coat. "Once I tell her that we might have a baby on the way."
"Right, well, that part's on you, isn't it? I think I'm going to just have a bit of a lazy day here. There's a few dozen reality shows that I keep reading about online. Now seems like as good a time as any to catch up on them."
"You're going to watch reality TV?" Edmund's eyebrows raised. "Don't you think we come close enough to that ourselves?"
"Maybe." She forced a smile as she tried to usher him closer to the door. "I'm fine. Honest. You don't need to worry about me. I'm taking care of myself and getting my rest and I know how to reach you if I need you."
There was still a slight wariness in his countenance, but he relented and moved towards the doorway. "You promise," he sighed. "You'll call if you need anything."
"I promise," she assured him.
She stood at the door and listened as his footsteps faded away. She couldn't help but wonder how he'd feel if he knew the dream he held so dear was already fading away.
"Hello, Ross."
"Edmund." Ross narrowed his eyes as he looked up to see Edmund's smiling face. "You certainly seem to be in a good mood this morning."
"And why wouldn't I be? It's a beautiful day filled with promise and possibilities. Don't you think?"
"For some," Ross said slowly. "For others, the chances of hope and promise are decidedly less - particularly those that spend a lot of time in your company."
"Ross," Edmund tutted, "That's not a very nice thing to say and Dinah speaks so highly of you and your diplomacy. How on earth do you conduct community business with social skills like that?"
"I have a very busy day, Edmund, and I don't have time for this."
"Actually, Mr. Mayor, I have a very good and noble reason for interrupting your quiet breakfast today. I was hoping you might be able to give me a little insight as to your daughter's taste."
"What?" For a moment, Ross thought he must have misunderstood. Edmund was many things, but stupid was generally not thought of as one of them. He had to know asking him for help with Dinah was going to go over like an anvil.
"Don't get all snippy," Edmund retorted. "She's just been a little under the weather and I'm trying to be a good friend so I thought I might pick up her favorite meal as a little surprise, but I'm afraid I don't really know what kind of things she likes."
"If you honestly believe that I'm going to do anything to help you further manipulate my daughter, I've vastly overestimated your intellect Mr. Winslow. Now if you'll excuse me, I do have things to do today."
He heard Edmund's sigh of disgust as he headed towards the elevator. His calendar today was full, but there was one stop he'd have to make first.
"Edmund, I told you, I'm fine. You don't have to keep stopping -" Her words ceased as she saw her father standing in the doorway. "Daddy," she breathed, "What are you doing here?"
"Good morning, sweetheart." He leaned in and lightly kissed her cheek. "I stopped by because Edmund told me you'd been under the weather - something I wish you would have told me. I know that you're all grown up, but you can still always call your Dad when you need someone to take care of you - especially if the alternative is that …"
"Daddy." She shook her head. She knew very well how her father felt about Edmund and she couldn't truly blame him. Edmund hadn't done anything to endear himself to the people of Springfield, but she'd seen another side of him, a side she understood. It wasn't easy to come back from being a pariah. She knew that better than most. Still, she didn't have the energy to debate her choice of friends today.
"Honestly, I'm fine. In fact," she leaned in closer and lowered her voice as if she were betraying a closely guarded secret. "I just told Edmund I wasn't feeling well so he'd leave me alone. He's been a bit much lately with Cassie gone and he's kind of freaking out about that and it's just not good for me to be constantly hearing him go on and on and on about Cassie. I mean, I just think it's better if my relationships don't revolve around her. Don't you think?"
"Well, of course I do. I've been saying that for months now. I think it would be better if your relationships were completely separate from Cassie, but Edmund Winslow certainly doesn't meet that specification."
"I know," she said sadly. "But Edmund and I are friends completely outside of anything to do with Cassie and I can't just abandon him now especially not when he really needs a friend. I just - I guess I'm learning to know my limits."
"That's good. It's always good to know when to say when." Ross smiled at her as he studied her face. "And you're sure you feel alright." He touched her cheek before continuing, "Because I have to admit, you look rather pale and tired today."
"Gee, Daddy, you really know how to boost a girl's self esteem."
"Oh now stop it. You're beautiful. You always are, but you do look a little run down. You know that it's okay to take some time out and just rest and relax, right?"
"And that's exactly what I'm doing. That's what today is. Today is a Dinah day. I'm watching some silly TV, eating some junk food, and lounging around in my pajamas."
"And staying away from Edmund Winslow?" he asked hopefully.
"Yes," she laughed bitterly, the truth behind the reason still gnawing in her gut. "At least for today."
"Well," Ross sighed. "I guess it's a start. I'll let you get back to your day." His lips brushed softly against her cheek before stepping back into the hallway. "You call me and check in, all right?"
"Will do," she assured him as she closed the door. Her stomach fell as she heard the chime of the elevator. Her father used to be someone she could talk to, someone she could count on to understand and to take her side no matter what, but not even he would be able to understand this. No one could.