V - Please Don't Leave Me
"I do not use the word home lightly. So when I sigh into the crook of your neck; believe that your spine is a timber frame. Your kiss a welcome mat and your enveloping arms my front door." - esekao, tumblr
•••
Bird let out a heavy sigh as she stood against the far wall in one of the Arkham visitation rooms.
She looked down to her shoes and then to the metal table mounted in place.
Her eyebrows fell as she started to realize this was the exact same room she had her visitations in when she was an inmate.
She remembered the first time Harvey Dent had been permitted to see her.
How she'd ran to him. Her face buried in his shirt.
How he smelled like soap and cologne.
The way she'd wanted to bathe in that scent and hold onto it forever.
"What is this?"
"Where are you taking me?"
"It's not visiting hours!"
"Why aren't you talking to me?"
Bird looked up expectantly to the door to the room as she could hear Nygma yelling from down the hallway.
Paranoid as ever, she thought to herself.
Finally the door opened and the guard roughly shoved him inside the room, where he just barely caught hold of the edge of the table to keep from falling down.
Bird's eyes went to the metal cuffs on his wrists.
"I think we could do without the restraints." Bird let out a sigh.
"Miss Wayne?" Nygma looked at her. Every ounce of uncertainty showing as confusion on his face.
Once the guard removed the cuffs and left them alone, Nygma rubbed his wrists from where the cuffs had been on far too tight.
"I have to admit." He breathed, "You're one the last people I expected to see."
"I have to admit." Bird echoed, "You're one the last people I want to see."
"Then why are you here?" He asked. Eyeing her once more before taking his seat at the table.
"Is Oswald okay?" Nygma questioned.
It had been more than a few weeks since he'd last been there to see him.
Quite a gap from how frequent his visits had been before.
"He's fine." Bird answered. Noting that he did seemed genuinely concerned while asking.
"We sorted things out with Fish." Bird wasn't sure why she offered the information up. Not like she owed him anything or cared enough to try and sooth his nerves.
He made a noise and nodded his head.
That explained it then, he thought, why Oswald hadn't been back.
Well, that and Bird's return to Gotham.
"Oswald suggested that I come to see you." Bird explained.
She left out how Oswald was currently off to work out a deal with the new head of psychiatry at Arkham for Ed's release.
A process they were told would take a full day. So Oswald wanted to be there first chance he got so that Ed could be out that night.
Nygma didn't say anything. Just sat silently and watched as Bird drummed her nails on the table surface, seeming to look everywhere in the room except at him.
"Why haven't you broken out of here?" Bird finally asked.
The tips of her fingers blanched white with pressure as she leaned over the table some to get a better read on him.
"Didn't work out so well the last time." Nygma gave a rather despondent shrug.
Bird arched a brow, but didn't argue with him.
She knew what it was like to spend weeks on end in Arkham. To lay there, unable to sleep as everyone screamed out into the night. To be left alone with nothing but your own thoughts.
Regrets and things you wish you could change.
Deep down she wondered if that was why Nygma hadn't tried to break out of the asylum.
If maybe somewhere inside of him he did somewhat regret what he'd done that had led him here.
Maybe he knew he deserved the punishment.
"Why did he send you to see me?" Nygma questioned.
He didn't see any presents in the room. Oswald had been more than generous with sending him gifts.
But the lack there of quickly ruled out the thought that he'd sent Bird with a gift for him.
"I guess he thinks we have some things to talk through." Bird pulled in a deep breath, "But I'm saying this so we're perfectly clear and there isn't any confusion. If you ever hurt or threaten my little brother again, I will kill you myself."
Nygma's eyes went from Bird's threatening expression to the camera mounted in the corner. Briefly wondering if the camera recorded sound too.
"Understand?" Bird asked, "That I won't just end your life. That you will be praying for your death. You'll wish you were never even born-"
"Miss Wayne." Nygma interrupted her.
"Bird." She corrected.
"Bird." He repeated, his eyes locking on Bird's from behind his glasses' thick lenses, "I have no reason to. Professor Strange led me to believe that if I helped him I could earn my freedom from here. That is the only reason I was even involved."
"And framing Jim?" Bird reminded him.
"That…" Nygma let out a low laugh, "Was a miscalculation on my end. That won't happen again."
Eyeing the camera again, Nygma leaned in over to the table closer to her, "You've never done anything that bad?"
From behind his glasses, his eyes moved back and forth over her face as a smile formed on his lips and he said in a knowing tone, "You've done worse and we both know it."
He still remembered the night he'd killed Officer Dougherty.
How shaky he'd been after. How Bird was so calm in response to seeing someone murdered right in front of her.
She'd been the one to say they needed to get his body up into the trunk.
She'd led them to the old warehouse the mafia used to clean up loose ends.
They'd dismembered the body together.
He could have outed her. When he'd been arrested and questioned about the crimes he'd committed, he could have told them of Bird's involvement.
But he didn't.
Her name never came up.
"As long as we're clear." Bird gave him a pointed look before standing up and turning to leave.
"What was all of this about?" Nygma asked.
But Bird was already half way out of the room and showed no intention of turning back to answer him.
••• that night •••
Bird stepped out of the car and looked up to the entrance of The Siren's Club.
The lounge that Barbara and Tabitha had been running together for some months now.
A place she'd never imagined stepping foot into.
That was until she'd gotten a call from Jim earlier that evening.
He told her that he'd found Alice. That she had indeed set the bar on fire because of her blood being spilled there.
Jim said he'd tracked her down to a small apartment she was renting, that her landlord had somehow gotten infected with her blood and man had been driven completely insane from it.
He'd tried to kill Jim, but Alice had intervened. Shot and killed her landlord before proceeding to try and burn her apartment down too.
The main reason Jim said he was calling was that when he'd mentioned Jervis to Alice, she grew panicked and even though not much else was said before she lit the place on fire and fled.
She did say that her brother couldn't find her.
Once Bird got off the phone, she thought back to short time she'd known Alice. How she'd suspected she was running from someone. Most of the women who ended up in the shelters were.
Only Bird had -had it wrong. Alice wasn't running from a boyfriend; she'd been trying to hide from her brother.
The same man Jim had said he was going to meet that night to find out the truth.
It had then occurred to her that there was another reason behind his calling her.
Jim wanted her to know what was going on; where he was going, in case something happened.
He'd called her.
Not GCPD. Not even Bullock.
So now here she was.
One of the last places in Gotham she wanted to be and extremely under-dressed for The Siren's.
Her plan had been to slip inside the club. Hopefully find Jim and avoid Barbara.
But the plan fell through nearly the moment she'd stepped through the doors.
"B!"
"Hey, Barbara." Bird greeted the blonde with a strained smile as Barbara rushed over to her. Almost as if she'd been expecting her that night.
With a martini in one hand, Barbara threw her free arm around Bird in an uncomfortably tight half-hug.
Stepping back she held her hand up to one side of her mouth, as if she had a secret to tell, "Hate to be the one to tell you -but you're a little under-dressed."
"I'm not staying." Bird sighed, "I'm looking for someone. Jervis Tetch."
Barbara looked past Bird to where another woman, even more under-dressed than Bird was, came to a dead stop and looked their way.
She was in a pair of dark pants and a coat at least three sizes too big on her.
Her blonde curly hair was messily clipped up. Ringlets hanging down and framing her face.
"Popular guy." Barbara muttered under her breath.
It had just been minutes before that Jim had been there to see Tetch as well.
She'd seen them going to their stairs that led to the roof.
She knew Jim had seen her too, but he didn't even come over to say hi.
Rude, she thought.
"The Great Jervis Tetch. Hypnotist Extraordinaire!" Barbara tossed her free arm out to the side for dramatic affect.
Bird looked around, her eyes stopping on a poster for the entertainment tonight, but the stage was empty.
"Come on, B." Bird sighed, "Where is he?"
"I might have seen him disappear to the roof a little while ago." Her voice changed. Tone sounding like she'd never been more bored in her entire life, "Might have even seen Jim go with him."
Bird's eyes widened and she looked around. Her eyes finally landing on what she assumed was the stairs to the roof.
Without so much as a thanks, she darted off that direction.
"You're welcome!" Barbara shouted after her with a overdone eye roll.
Out of the corner of her eye, Barbara saw the curly haired blonde woman take off in the same direction Bird did.
If this kept up she was going to have to implement a dress code. She thought to herself.
They had a certain vibe to uphold in the lounge and casual dress was certainly going to ruin that.
"Deep down you want to die, Jim. You want to end this miserable, empty, loveless life. Don't you?" Jervis Tetch asked.
Standing safely on the roof while Jim Gordon, under the effects of hypnotism, balanced on the very edge.
"Yes." Jim answered back.
His body just barely swaying from the wind.
It felt so much colder than he remembered it being when he went inside.
Jim looked down again. The lights and cars passing on the streets multiple stories below where he stood.
He wasn't scared.
Somewhere inside, he knew this should scare him, but instead the fall looked inviting.
"Yes! You want to die." Jervis echoed back, "Let me help you. I'm going to count to ten. When I reach ten you will simply step off the ledge and you will find everlasting peace. Are you ready?"
"Yes." Jim answered.
"One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six." His voice sped up, excitement growing as he watched Jim start to step forward.
"Jim!" Bird screamed as she'd pushed the door to the roof open and spilled out into the night air.
The very first thing she saw was Jim on the ledge. One small step; one gust of wind away from falling to his death.
Spinning around Jervis saw Bird. Frozen in fear. Her eyes wide in terror. Already filled with emotion. Her mind so clearly already feeling the loss.
But he wasn't concerned with her for long.
Just a second later another person joined them on the roof; his dear sister, Alice.
"Stop!" Alice screamed as she came a stop next to Bird and saw what her brother was doing.
The side of her foot hit something and she looked down to see a gun.
It was Jim's gun. The very first thing Jervis had done once Jim was under his mind control was to get him to disarm himself.
Alice picked up the gun. Her arm trembling as she took aim at her brother.
"Thank god!" Jervis exclaimed, his top hat tucked under his arm and as he walked closer, "At last, I've found you."
"Tell that man to get off the ledge." Alice ordered.
Now with both hands on the weapon. Trying to keep it steady.
"Never mind him." Jervis argued.
"Jim!" Bird screamed out again. Panic making her voice shrill.
She started to walk. To move closer. To grab onto him and pull back to safety.
"Mister, get down!" Alice shrieked.
"He can't hear you." Jervis told them both.
His eyes stopped on Bird and he warned, "Another step and I'll send him over the ledge."
Bird came to a dead halt.
Her mouth hung open. She wanted to scream out for Jim again, hope that somehow he could hear her.
She wanted to curse Jervis, threaten him with things that would send a chill down a hardened mobster's back.
But nothing came out.
She was stuck. Frozen.
The kind of fear that sucks everything right out of a person.
"Don't!" Alice threatened as her brother moved in closer, "Don't come near me."
"Why are you here if you don't want to talk?" Jervis asked.
Alice wasn't so sure herself.
Her brother was a monster and a part of her had set out that night determined to kill him.
To make sure he could never hurt her or anyone else again.
But now, being back in front of him after so long, there were so many memories flooding her mind.
Terrible, awful memories that she wished she could forget.
Memories that left her knees like jell-o and her hands trembling so bad she could barely hold the gun.
"Put the gun down, Alice."
"You're evil!" She yelled at her brother, "Leave me alone! Or I'll kill you!"
Alice cringed. Her voice sounded so weak.
She felt like a little girl again. Powerless around him.
"But Alice…" Jervis smiled and it turned her stomach, "I love you."
Closing her eyes, Alice squeezed the trigger, a bullet went flying past her brother's head and ricocheted off a metal ladder.
Bird jumped with a gasp. She hadn't even been aware of the siblings fighting behind her.
She turned her head to see Alice fire another shot. The woman had her eyes pinned tightly shut; shooting in no particular direction.
Just blindly firing into the night hoping that by some chance one of the bullets might hit her brother.
Bird looked back in time to see Jim had managed to turn around.
Instead of facing out, he was now turned around, looking at her.
Swaying on the ledge with a look on his face like he didn't know where the hell he was or what was going on.
He was there.
He swayed in the wind.
And then he was gone.
There was a loud scream. Bird wasn't even aware the sound had come from her.
She ran as fast as she could; sprinted to the ledge where Jim was hanging on for dear life. His legs danging stories up in the air.
His teeth were gritted in pain. The pain from his shoulders vibrating out to the rest of his body.
Bird frantically grabbed onto him. His arms. His coat.
Grabbing onto whatever she could and pulling with all of her might.
Moments later there were another set of arms. Alice.
Who'd ran to them without a second thought and helped Bird pull Jim back up to safety.
The trio tumbled back onto the cement roof. A tangled mess of limbs and frantic breathing.
Alice sat back, looked up at the cloudy night sky and pulled in a deep breath.
Bird and Jim stared at one another.
Her mouth hung open like she wanted to say something, but no words were coming out.
Not a single word.
Jim leaned in. His sweaty forehead landing against hers.
His hand on the back of head.
A moment in silence.
Raw. Intimate.
Just a moment.
-Before Jim looked to Alice and breathlessly said, "Thanks."
Nodding she reached up to brush her hair out of her face, but Jim caught her wrist and slipped a pair of handcuffs on her.
He didn't know exactly what was going on with Tetch siblings; but he was going to find out.
•••
Letting out a sigh, Captain Barnes lowered his head and stared at the file the GCPD had put together on Alice Tetch.
His gaze lingered on the young woman's mugshot. Her face and hair washed out from the grayscale of the photo.
She didn't look like someone capable of murder.
But he'd learned long ago that you can't judge a book by it's cover; nor a person's soul by the skin they wear.
Alice Tetch was a killer.
Even though she claimed she had to. That her landlord had gotten infected with the poison in her blood and she didn't have a choice but to stop him before the virus spread.
Not to mention she'd stopped the deranged man from killing Jim.
The second time in half as many days that she'd played a part in saving the ex-detective's life.
Barnes laid the folder down on his desk.
The truth was that it didn't matter what the reasoning behind her crimes had been.
Guilt or innocence was to be decided in a court of law.
"Why…" He huffed a breath, "Why is it every time something hits the fan around here, I inevitably find you at the center of it?"
His eyes went from the open case file to where Jim was sitting in one of the chairs facing his desk.
Bullock stood back a few feet. Lingering closer to the closed office door.
"I was just working a job." Jim defended. His voice monotone, "Her brother asked me to find her."
"Yeah?" Barnes nearly looked amused, "You some sort of P.I. now?"
"I'm whatever pays the bills." Jim was quick to answer.
Still trying to pretend like his chasing down leads on his own wasn't because he missed the work he used to do as a cop.
Bird scoffed; complete with a roll of her eyes.
Her annoyance going from zero to a hundred in the time it took Jim to spill the lie.
Barnes looked at where Bird was seated next to Jim.
She hadn't said a single word to anyone since they'd gotten to the station.
Bullock remembered the night they'd raided the human trafficking the year before. How Bird had somehow gotten tangled up in the mix of victims.
It took her hours to say something after that.
The haunted look she'd been wearing was comparable to that night.
Barnes' eyes fell to the 'Vote Oswald Cobblepot' button on Bird's shirt.
He bit down on the side of his tongue. Literally trying to bite back the anger and urge to say something about a known criminal running for mayor.
Deciding to stay on topic, Barnes asked them, "What do we know about this girl's blood?"
"Not much." Bullock strolled up next to the seat Bird was sitting in. Hands in his pockets while he gave a lazy shrug, "She claims infecting the landlord was an accident."
"Have Thompkins draw some samples. See if she can find out what we're dealing with here." Barnes ordered, "And pick up the brother for questioning."
The captain's eyes darted between Jim and Bird as he asked, "Any idea on where we can find him?"
"No." Jim answered, "But when I find him; I'll let you know. We have some unfinished business."
"Not anymore." Barnes snapped, "This is an active investigation. You go anywhere near him, I'll have you arrested."
"For what?" Jim learned forward in his seat. A cocky smile forming on his lips. Barnes wasn't his boss anymore.
The older man loved to remind Jim how he wasn't a cop anymore, yet still thought he could order him around like he was, "No law against two private citizens having a chat."
"I'll come by later to pick up my check." Jim continued when his former boss seemed stunned by the insubordination. He pushed up from the arm rests of the chair and stood to his feet.
Jim walked to the office door and opened it. Pausing when he didn't hear any steps behind him.
He looked back to see Bird still sitting in the chair.
"Bird?" Jim called out.
"I…" She shook her head, leaned forward some in the chair and looked to Barnes as she questioned, "I want to know what sort of protection you're going to be providing Alice Tetch."
"Protection?" Barnes seemed just as stunned by her concern for the woman she barely knew as he'd been by Jim's smugness in defying his orders, "She's being held on several charges-"
"She is a victim." Bird asserted.
Barnes' face twisted up, "She torched a bar. Killed a man -then burnt his body."
"Fire purifies." Bird's knuckles were white as she gripped onto the arm rests of the chair, "She was trying to stop the spread of whatever it is that's in her blood."
"You're saying that makes it okay?" Barnes stood up.
"What I'm saying is that her brother will come for her." Bird was just as quick to get to her own feet. Anger bubbling beneath her skin. The heat creeping up from her neck to her cheeks. "Obsession like that…"
Her voice trailed off and she shook her head before repeating, "Her brother will come after her."
"You know." Bullock took a step closer to his captain's desk, "Alice said the very same thing when I was sweating her in interrogation. Said her brother was a monster and he'd never give up trying to get her back."
"Then I guess it's a good thing she's here, huh?" Barnes countered, "I can't think of a single safer place to be in Gotham than the GCPD."
"Yeah?" Bird laughed, "How'd that work out for you when Galavan showed up last year?"
Barnes' knuckles turned an unnatural white as he tightly gripped the handle of the cane he'd been having to use since the injuries he'd sustained when Galavan-turned-Azrael stabbed him on the roof of the GCPD building.
"Get out." Barnes' angrily demanded, "All three of you. Out."
Reaching out, Jim took hold of Bird's arm and tugged her closer to the door of the office.
Her getting into it with Barnes wouldn't accomplish anything other than him coming up with some reason to put her in lock-up for the night.
She didn't fight him.
Didn't jerk out of his grip until they were down the stairs on the first level of the police station.
When she finally did she spun to face him. The expression on her face full of emotion -though he couldn't pinpoint which ones exactly.
He thought when she opened her mouth that she was going to yell about something,
But instead no sound came out.
Bird took a step back away from him. Looking him over as she did.
"Are you okay?" She finally found her words.
It was the first she'd actually spoken to him all night.
After the hypnosis had been broken and she and Alice helped pull him back up on the roof; she'd gone silent on him.
"I'm okay." His voice was thick.
"Really?" She challenged, "Because it wasn't all that long ago that you-"
"It's over." Jim stepped closer to her, "Whatever spell he had me under; it's over with. I'm fine."
He could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn't believe him. Braced for the argument that was sure to ensue.
"Whatever you say, Jim."
Her lips pursed together and she looked him over again, before she turned and headed for the exit of the building.
Once she got outside she came to a stop. The sun was already up for the day.
It felt strange. Wrong even.
The last real thing she remembered was being on the roof of the club in the darkness of night.
She felt like she'd just came out of the other end of a time warp.
Some tunnel that was night on one end and daylight at the other.
It was disorienting to say the least.
She looked over to see Jim look down at his watch and his then squint up towards the sky.
Apparently sharing in the stunned feeling along with her.
"Didn't realize it had gotten so late." Jim offered up an attempt at conservation with her, "Or early, Depending on how you look at it."
She wasn't feeling particularly talkative; but she also chose to start walking with him, instead of calling her driver to go home.
It wasn't much -but it was something, he thought to himself.
As they walked she'd called into her office, letting her secretary know she wasn't going to be in that day.
Then she got a call, that Jim gathered must have been Oswald when Bird answered and immediately jumped into talking about the election that was being held in few days.
Either Bird's pace had slowed or Jim's had quickened.
But she ended up several steps behind him on the sidewalk. Still talking on the phone while Jim reached the crosswalk first.
Vote for Oswald Cobblepot. Your next mayor of Gotham. And make Gotham safe again.
Jim's eyes went to the car parked across the street that was wallpapered in posters for Oswald's mayoral run. Large speakers affixed to the top of the car playing the same message over and over again.
"You've got to be kidding me." Jim muttered under his breath, with a shake of his head.
Reaching out he punched the button on the crosswalk button on the post with his index finger.
The ticking sound of the countdown continued and wasn't moving near quick enough. Not with standing so close to the message playing on a loop to convince Gothamites to vote Penguin into office.
Vote for Oswald Cobblepot. Your next mayor of Gotham. And make Gotham safe again.
Vote for Oswald Cobblepot. Your next mayor of Gotham. And make Gotham safe again.
Tick. Tick. Tick. The countdown until it was safe to cross the street continued.
Vote for Oswald Cobblepot.
Vote for Oswald Cobblepot.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Vote for Oswald Cobblepot.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
You're so very tired of life aren't you?
Jim's gaze jerked over to the car that no longer was playing the election mantra.
He heard Jervis Tetch's voice. Repeating what had been said on the roof.
With scratchy undertones like an old record.
Jim started to turn his head to look for Bird. To see where she went. If she heard it too.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Do you hear my watch ticking?
The incessant ticking of the crosswalk timer sounded more and more like the hand of a clock ticking away time with each passing second.
It's been a hard road for you, Jim Gordon. Listen closer.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
You are so very tired of life -aren't you?
Now you can rest Jim.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
The next thing he was aware of was the pain in shoulders. Sharp pains like when he'd caught himself on the side of the building all over again. The dull ache he'd been feeling ever since deeply intensified.
It wasn't until he felt hands on his arms that he realized someone had jerked him out of the street and that's what set the fire off in his muscles again.
The loud blare of a truck horn and the whoosh of air on the back of his neck when he turned around were his only clues as to what had just happened.
Well, that and the look on Bird's face. The same one she'd had on the roof the night before.
"Hey pal!" A guy yelled at him, "You got a death wish or something?"
The stranger looked over to Bird, as if she could provide an explanation for him.
Instead all he got was a mumble of a thanks from Bird, for being so quick to react and helping her pull Jim out of the street just in time to avoid him being killed by the speeding trash truck.
Looping her arm with with Jim's, Bird pulled them both across the street to safety on the other side before she turned and asked, "What the hell was that?"
"I…" Jim swallowed. His brows furrowed and jaw lazily allowing his mouth to slack open, "I don't know."
•••
Bird sat on the couch in Jim's living room.
The T.V. was on, playing some show she'd tuned out a long time ago.
A once hot cup of coffee had long since grown cold sitting next to the clutter on the coffee table in front of her.
Every once in a while she'd glance over to where he was sitting on the other end of the couch.
Pretending to be invested in the program on the television; probably to avoid engaging in a conversation with her.
Bird had opened her mouth several times, but each and every time she'd stopped herself from saying anything.
At this point she wasn't even sure where to begin.
Part of her wanted to scream. Part of her felt like crying.
She wanted to throw and break things.
A piece of her was still stuck on that rooftop. Seeing Jim standing on the ledge whenever she closed her eyes. Frozen there in fear all over again.
If one thing had gone differently that night, he'd be dead.
And that made everything they'd been feuding about seem so minuscule in the big picture.
Which brought back memories of her relationship with Harvey Dent. The times they'd be fighting and he'd be so angry with her. Then something would happen; he'd nearly lose her and suddenly all was forgiven.
Apparently it was true.
You don't know what you've got until it's gone.
It was sick, she thought, how it takes nearly losing someone to understand exactly how much they mean to you.
As much as she tried to quiet the noise inside of her head, she just couldn't.
There was too much static. Too many thoughts of things she'd rather forget.
Her mind was even drifting back to the night she'd been shot.
The feeling of the cold concrete under back, slick from her own blood.
The tingling numbness in her extremities. Unable to stop herself from trembling.
The pain. My god, the pain, she remembered and wouldn't ever be able to forget.
Feeling herself fading from existence -and then Jim.
The expression of horror on his face as he was above her. Trying to slow the bleeding. Begging for her to hang on.
As if there were some safety bar that would appear out of thin air to give her something to cling to.
Bird turned her head. Looked over to where Jim was sitting again.
She was there.
She wanted to tell him that. Tell him she still loved him; that she'd never stopped.
Beg him to hang on the same way he'd pleaded with her.
But her throat clenched shut. Not letting words out or air in.
He meant the world to her and yet she just couldn't bring herself to tell him that.
Deep down, as ridiculous as it felt to her logical mind, she was hurt.
Wanting to ask him why she wasn't enough for him to want to stay around for.
Her chest ached, as if she'd been crying for days, even though her eyes were dry.
Logically she understood it really had nothing to do with her.
Plus, she'd been there herself. In the worst moments in her life. Thoughts creeping in from the darkest corners of her mind.
She knew all too well what it felt like. Wanting to die.
The tricks and lies her mind would tell her. That there was only way out. One way to stop the pain.
And in those moments, all the love in the world wouldn't have been enough to cast a light at the end of tunnel.
The logic of it didn't stop her from being mad at him though.
Anger at his ever being mad at her for leaving Gotham in the first place.
This situation here, the darkness he was drowning in, was something all to familiar for her and she'd ran to keep from getting swallowed up in it.
She'd lived and hurt and survived and felt those bad thoughts creeping in enough throughout her life to know when it started up again that there were steps that needed to be taken.
To avoid alcohol. It only seemed to fuel the fire.
Keep from isolating herself. No matter how badly she wanted to close herself off.
And more.
Steps she'd learned to take in order to save her own life. To keep her head above the pitch black waters.
Another bout of anger surged in her.
Jim had been doing the exact opposite. He'd been hitting the bottle constantly.
Completely isolated himself in a house he couldn't be bothered to clean.
Surrounded by trash and clutter.
That was something else she'd learned. That living conditions affect mood and mindset.
She felt like Jim had been doing everything wrong and just allowing himself to be swallowed up in the depression and darkness.
A tinge of resentment for his not realizing the life raft she kept tossing him before she finally packed up and left the city.
Slowly, she turned her head. Her eyes starring unblinking at the moving picture on the television.
He didn't know.
She realized.
Something that she'd been struggling with for as long as she could remember.
That the thoughts and feelings that had become so normal to her were foreign to others.
Jim probably hadn't even realized how bad things were. How bad he'd made things on himself.
He didn't realize how close he was to the ledge until he was literally standing on it.
"Turn it off."
"What?" Jim asked. Looking over when he heard Bird say something in a whisper.
"Turn it off." She repeated. Thrusting a hand towards the T.V, "Shut it off."
After a short search of patting around on the couch and shuffling unopened mail on the coffee table, he finally found the remote and shut the television set off.
"What's going on?" He asked, turning some on the cushion he was sitting on.
Looking concerned about her.
"I was right." Bird didn't take her eyes off the now dark screen, "That morning I came here. I told you that you couldn't keep going on like this. The isolation. The aimlessness. The drinking. I was right, Jim."
He blinked. Stunned at the timing.
Less than twenty-four hours ago he'd been hypnotized into nearly leaping from a ledge to his death and Bird was going to pick now for an 'I told you so' moment?
"And I get it." She continued, "That you weren't fully cognizant of it and all the damage you keep doing to yourself, but you see it now right?"
"What are you talking about?" He pushed.
"Are you okay?" Bird repeated her question from earlier that day.
She already knew the truth. That he wasn't.
He was far from fine, she knew it.
But she needed him to know it for himself. To admit it.
"Yes." Jim answered, "I already told you that you didn't need to be here keeping an eye on me. I'm fine."
"So you want me to leave?" Bird asked. Looking at him for the first time.
"Up to you." He answered in a rather despondent tone.
Standing up from the couch, she took a few steps towards the door.
She didn't know what to do.
If she left and something happened to him, then she'd never forgive herself. She wasn't sure she'd survive it herself.
But she also knew something else. Something she'd once said to Harvey Dent; that you can't love somebody back to good.
Bird turned around to find Jim was standing now too.
Despite his saying she could go if she wanted, the speed in which she was going to leave startled him.
"It's me, Jim." Bird reminded him, her eyes searching his face, "You don't have to keep up this lone wolf tough act with me. I was there, remember? Through everything that happened. I don't need you to pretend that your fine. I need you to be honest with yourself and with me."
He slowly threw his arms out to either side. Letting them fall back and hang at his sides.
A silent 'what am I supposed to say'?
"Tetch got in my head." He tried to explain it away, "Planted those thoughts-"
"I don't think so." Bird cut him off, "I think he brought something to the surface that was already there."
"No-" Jim was fast to argue. A dismissive shake of the head at the ready.
"Do you know where I went?" Bird cut him off, trying a different approach. Total honesty on her side and if he continued to lie to her after that, then she was leaving, "When I left Gotham?"
"A beach." Jim answered. His forehead lined, not sure where this conversation was headed, but she looked like she was ready to confess something.
"Your hair was lighter when you got back." He explained how he'd come to that conclusion, "You had a tan and the freckles on your nose darkened like they do when you spend time out in the sun."
If she felt better, if the situation were any lighter than she'd have seized the opportunity to make a comment about how his time away from the GCPD hadn't dampened his detective skills.
"Miami." Bird took a step closer, "I went to Falcone's estate there."
With another step closer she asked, "Do you know why?"
"No." He admitted. Knowing that she usually tried to keep distance between them, "I don't."
"Because I was in a bad place." Bird openly admitted to him, "And I recognized it enough to know that I couldn't be on my own. And Jim, you know me… I don't like needing people. But I knew better than to try and tackle what I was going through on my own. I couldn't trust myself and I was scared."
Her gaze dropped to the floor, "Scared that if I didn't do something, I was going to just keep spiraling down."
"I get it." Jim realized that while he'd understood that and let go of the anger he'd held at her leaving that he'd never told her, "You really did need to go."
Emotion filled his eyes and he ran his tongue over his lips, "I'm glad you saved yourself."
"That's right." She nodded, her vision blurring behind the tears that had welled up in her own eyes, "I made the decision to do that. I took steps to get back on stable ground. The first one was facing down the fact that I couldn't do it by myself."
They stared at each other.
Her silently pleading for him to drop the act and be just as open as she was being.
Him wanting to tell her he was scared. That he still felt like he was on the ledge staring down at the lights and traffic below, but the words just wouldn't come out.
"I can't help you if you won't let me, Jim." Bird stated. Pulling in a deep breath, she forced the air back out of her lungs, "I can't take that first step for you. You have to do it yourself."
"So…" Her voice tried to crack, but she managed to keep it steady as she spoke, "You need to admit that things aren't okay. That you're not fine and I'll stay."
"Or, I'll leave." She breathed, "Because I will not stand here and watch you drown."
Her eyes locked with his before her gaze slid down his face to his mouth.
Willing him to open it and speak.
But he didn't.
Nodding, she diverted her eyes away from him. Biting down on the side of her tongue, she turned away from him and took a step towards the door.
"Bird." He forced himself to speak. Breaking though self imposed silence.
Reaching out he grabbed onto her hand like it was the only thing on earth keeping him from drowning.
"Stay." Jim said. His eyes went from their connected hands back up to her face when she turned back to face him, "Please."
•••
Jim sat straight up in his bed with a gasp for air.
His bare chest rising and falling rapidly as he greedily pulled in oxygen from the air.
He'd just woken from a dream; in which he'd been back on a rooftop, standing on the edge. Watching the city life blur beyond his feet, down on the street below.
Bird had been right.
Jervis Tetch hadn't planted suicidal thoughts in his head, he'd only brought them to the surface. Intensified them with hypnosis and triggered something that kept filling Jim with thoughts of how to end his life.
Apparently it was even invading his dreams. More like nightmares.
Reaching up he rubbed his hands over his face and tried to steady his breathing. Remind himself that he was okay. That for the moment at least he was about as safe as he could be.
But he just couldn't stop the thoughts in his head. The unsteadiness of standing on the edge with cold air swirling around him.
Bird's scream.
That was the sound that had startled him awake from the nightmare.
He might have been the one who'd fell off the building, but the way she'd screamed after him sounded more like she'd gone over the edge.
Plummeting to her own death. Her voice shattering the silence as she fell.
Shaking his head as if he could loosen the thoughts and they'd simply tumble from his ears. Jim pulled in another breath and looked around dimly lit room.
It was getting dark outside, but there was still some light present.
Honestly, he wasn't sure if it was nightfall or dawn and he really didn't feel like getting his phone to check.
He laid back down, flat on his back and stared up at the ceiling until his breathing was normal and his heart was no longer threatening to burst straight from his ribcage.
Turning his head he looked over to where Bird was sleeping beside him. Apparently exhausted enough that his jerking awake hadn't brought her from her slumber.
She had the dark sheet tucked up under her arm as she lay on her side facing away from him.
The sheet behind her was pulled down, exposing most of of her bare back.
It was then that he spotted something that caused him to raise back up.
The inked on image of a feather on her right shoulder blade, the top of which seemed to erupt into a flutter of birds in flight, reaching upwards to her shoulder.
A tattoo he knew for a fact she didn't have before she left Gotham and now wasn't sure how he'd missed it just hours before when they'd wound up in his bedroom.
He turned on his side, reached out a hand and trailed a gentle touch over the design on her back.
The black ink a stark contrast against her fair skin.
It suited her.
Pulling the top sheet up further over them. Jim scooted over to the middle of the bed.
Leaning in he pressed a kiss to the back of her shoulder and stayed in place.
His lips still on her skin.
He breathed in deeply. The faint scent of her favorite lotion bringing a small smile to his face.
He'd missed it. Missed her far more than he'd even let himself feel until he had her back.
And he did now.
She was back in his life and back by his side.
Right where he wanted her. Where he needed her.
His arm snaked around her side under the blanket and his fingertips brushed over a raised set of scars on her side. Not the right shape and size for bullet wounds.
Laying his head down behind hers on the pillow he realized exactly which scars he'd found.
The ones from the night of the children's hospital benefit; when Jerome Valeska tried to force her to call her brother out from hiding.
She hadn't broken. She'd taken the pain with barely any sound.
And in some ways, Jim figured that was probably worse and fueled the fire for whatever kind of interest the redhead had -had for her.
But Jerome wasn't a problem anymore. He was dead.
And now they had an all new set of problems to deal with.
He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. Hoping that this time he'd have good dreams and not nightmares. Hell, he'd settle for no dreams at all.
Pulling in another breath, he readjusted the arm he had draped around Bird.
Again feeling the scars under his fingers.
There were two up higher. Stab wounds from the small knife Jerome had used.
They felt like a set of uneven eyes.
Then there was one under that. A longer one that had been deeper on one side and then grew shallow with the longer the cut had been.
A smile.
Jim thought. The scars he'd left her with felt like a smile.
Along with those wounds, that night she'd also sustained a superficial laceration to the side of her neck and a cut down her forearm.
She'd have let him hurt her much more severely over giving in and calling Bruce out into danger.
Jim had no doubt about that.
About the lengths she was not only willing to go to for the people she loved; but also what she'd put herself through for their sake.
Which was exactly why he needed to figure out what Jervis Tetch had done to his head and how to reverse it.
One of the reasons he'd been so hesitant to admit he wasn't okay to Bird, was knowing that she wouldn't leave after that. That if he asked, she'd stay and he wasn't sure how this problem with Tetch was going to end.
The last thing on earth he wanted was for her to get hurt by this or dragged down along with him.
Blinking a few times, he rested his eyes again. Pulling a deep breath and trying to formulate a plan of attack to conquer the thoughts in his head.
Tomorrow he'd go to the police station and convince Barnes to let him speak to Alice. If anyone knew how to reverse what Jervis had done to him; it would be his sister.
It wasn't much to go on yet.
Just the beginning of a plan.
But it was a start.
•••
A/N - Thank you for reading!
I hope my Bim shippers are still around and that you're all happy to see Bird and Jim get back together. Even if it took his nearly dying for it to happen. :P
I want to thank: SmellYourScentForMiles, xenocanaan, Shadow knight1121, Munyue, ThatMysteriousSlime, Rasiel Hasu, Love. Fiction. 2018, TVDobsession106, xxXWolfsLullabyXxx, Katniss789, DancingDorisDay and the Guests who all took the time to review and leave feedback on the last chapter.
You're all amazing and I appreciate you so much!
I always love hearing from my readers and your feedback helps me stay inspired! ^_^