XII - Sinner's Song
"Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them." - Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects
•••
Bird sat up on the side of her hospital bed and took a drink from the bottle of apple juice they'd brought her.
Setting it back down on the table, she looked at the several packs of crackers and then up to Jim as he sat in the chair across the roller table from her and tore open one of the packs.
He'd showed up at the doorway to the room, wheeling the IV stand with him just after Mario had left the room.
Since then a nurse had come in and removed the IVs from both of them while one of the techs showed up with juice and crackers.
That had been several minutes ago now and neither of them had said anything to each other. Neither of them was entirely sure where to begin.
After removing one of the crackers from the now open two-pack, Jim offered up the other one to Bird.
Biting back a smile she took the cracker with a nod of thanks.
"This is not the dinner I was planning on when I got all dressed up for tonight." She did her best to joke.
She succeeded in eliciting a smile and small laugh from Jim.
Silently, they continued to sit there together and dine on the crackers and juice they'd been told they had to finish before they could leave.
"Did-" Jim started to ask, but stopped himself.
"Did, what?" Bird pushed.
He shook his head and Bird's eyes squinted at him. She had a pretty good idea he was going to ask what she saw while under the effects of the Red Queen.
"Was your trip just as horrible as mine?" She spoke up with a knowing expression already on her face.
Looking back at her, their eyes locked and he nodded, "How much of it do you remember?
"All of it." She admitted and he agreed, "Yeah, me too."
They both continued to watch each other, each wanting to know what the other saw but not wishing to relive what they'd gone through.
But they had to.
"Did you have, like, a guide through it?" Bird wasn't sure how to phrase her question.
All cards on the table, Jim admitted, "Barbara."
Bird's eyebrows raised as she asked, "Really?"
Jim was about to point out that it didn't mean anything beyond the fact that his ex was apparently capable of tormenting him even in hallucinations.
"Well, that shot down my theory." She sighed, "I thought maybe the drug caused us to conjure up thoughts of people who were dead."
Most of the people she'd seen or spoke to while under the influence weren't among the living.
"Who did you see?" He asked.
"Jerome Valeska." Bird finally admitted after a pause.
His eyebrows went up, forehead lined at her answer, "Why?"
"How am I supposed to know?" She tossed her arms up, "Probably because we've got a cult of people obsessed with him in Gotham and they keep seeking me out. And please, your ex-girlfriend was in yours!"
"And it was awful." Jim pointed out.
"Yeah, well so was mine." She agreed.
"What did you see?" He finally asked.
"Bruce, at first, it was terrible. He was blaming me for everything bad that's happened." She stared down to the plastic wrapped crackers she'd picked up fiddled with the wrapper absentmindedly, "Then he got disemboweled in front of me. I was trying to hold everything in place, hold him together but… I couldn't."
A look of horror fell over Jim's face, if her hallucinations had been as lifelike as his own than he knew she'd probably felt the blood between her fingers; that it felt as real as life,
"I saw Bruce too." Jim admitted, "And Oswald, for some reason. GCPD looked like a war zone and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save anyone. And then Bruce shot me."
Bird stopped messing with the plastic wrapper and asked, "Then what happened?"
He didn't answer her. Instead he picked up his own bottle of juice and took a drink.
"Jim?" She asked.
"I don't know." He glanced sideways avoiding her eyes, "It wasn't all bad, I guess, I saw you in the middle of it all."
"Did I shoot you too?" She wondered.
With a half smile Jim answered, "No, you didn't. We were…"
Shaking his head he decided to just be honest about what he'd seen, especially since it felt like the entire conversation couldn't possibly be more uncomfortable than it already was, "Married."
"Married?" Bird repeated back, insisting, "Well, don't stop there. Go on."
"With kids." He avoided her eyes.
"Wow." Bird blankly stared at him.
The room reverted back into silence and he quickly realized he'd been wrong and the conversation could feel infinitely more awkward than it previously had been.
"Say something." He nearly pleaded.
"Is that what you want?" She questioned.
"Really?" He stared at her, "You want to have this conversation right now?"
With a laugh, Bird shook her head, "I'm just trying to figure it out. Like if there was some sort of construct to the hallucinations? You know, like it was all terrible to begin with. Maybe preying on deep fear or something?"
Jim shrugged.
"And then the middle of it was seeing something we really wanted, and then ended with a conversation with a dead parent or something, but yours was probably different-" She continued, but he caught her off.
His eyes a little wide with the admission, "That last thing I saw, before I came to… was my dad."
"I saw my mom." Bird explained.
Which in it's own rite was strange for her. Usually whenever she dreamed of her parents or the time she'd been shot and almost died, she'd only spoken to her dad.
Jim thought back to the vision he'd had of his father. They conversation they'd shared.
How much the man he'd always looked up to and felt like he didn't measure up against had told him exactly what he needed to hear.
"You feel up to going?" Jim asked, "There's something I need to find."
Seeing the confusion set on her face, he said, "It was something that belonged to my dad. I know I've got it put up somewhere."
"Go on." Bird gave him a smile, "I need to speak with Oswald before I go home anyways. We got into another fight at the Founder's Dinner."
"Verbal fight." She quickly added when she saw the look on Jim's face.
He bit his tongue to keep from protesting.
He didn't understand their friendship, but he knew that was who Bird considered to be her best friend and if going to see him would help her feel better than then he wasn't going to stand in the way.
"See you at home later then?" He asked as he got to his feet. He still felt bogged down from the anti-psychotic he'd been given. Exhausted from head to toe with all the day had laid on him.
Home.
Glancing down Bird hid the smile on her lips before looking back to where he was standing and nodding in agreement.
Walking to the side of the table, he leaned down to kiss her and then stopped, realizing she hadn't told him all the details of what she'd seen.
"Hey." He stood back up, "You never told me what you saw in the middle of everything."
Her brows raised, eyes growing wide. She hoped he'd have forgotten about her lack of sharing the second part of her hallucination with him.
He'd possibly just admitted to her that what he really wanted was a future with her.
Marriage and even kids at some point - how the hell could she look him eyes and tell him that while he was dreaming of that -she was sitting back in Fish's bar trying to decide with movie to see with Oswald.
She couldn't.
"Pretty much the same thing you said you saw." Bird lied, before trying to ward off any questions by coyly adding, "But I thought we weren't having that conversation right now…"
Getting to her own feet, she pressed a kiss to his lips and told him she'd see him back at home.
•••
Bird hugged her dark jacket against herself as she made her way up the walkway towards the door of the Mayor's mansion.
A part of her was still angry at Oswald and another part of her felt bad for the things she'd said to him.
She missed him and at the same time wanted to see him suffer.
What a complicated entity their friendship had always been.
She still wasn't sure what she was doing there by the time she made it to the door and rang the bell.
The door was opened rather quickly by Nygma; who looked just as surprised to see her as she was at seeing him.
It had just been moments ago that Isabella had gone and he thought maybe she'd left something at the house she'd returned for.
"Miss Wayne." He finally greeted.
"Hey." She answered, awkwardly shifting her feet and glancing around before asking, "Is, uh… is Oswald home?"
"Negative." He answered with a shake of the head.
She watched as he pushed his glasses back up on his nose with a single finger.
When she didn't make any further attempt at conversation or anything else for that matter, he cleared his throat and observed, "Forgive me for saying this, but you look… lost."
Stepping to the side he offered, "Oswald should be back soon. You could come in and wait."
"He probably doesn't want to see me."
"Of course he does." Nygma asserted.
Oswald hadn't made him privy to all the details of the falling out he'd had with Bird, but every since they'd seemed to have cut ties she was all his friend could talk about.
"I'll come in." Bird said with a slight sigh and an honest admission, "But only because I don't know where else to go."
She'd been feeling increasingly unstable since Jim left the hospital. So much so that on the way to the mansion she had wondered if they'd given her enough of the anti-psychotic medication.
Something felt off ever since she woke up and the feeling was only increasing at this point.
She pushed past him into the house and Nygma glanced at her before shutting the door and thinking that apparently she was lost in one way or another.
The next several minutes passed in an awkward silence as they sat on a couch together waiting on Oswald to return home.
He'd tried to be polite, offered her tea, coffee and even spirits -but she turned them all down.
"Can I ask you something?" Bird finally asked, her voice quiet against the crackling wood fire in the open fireplace. She didn't wait for a response, "When did you first know you were different?"
"Excuse me?" He turned slightly on the cushion he'd taken up residence on to look her direction.
"Don't act offended." A hint of a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, "I've known you for a while now and you didn't fit -even before you started killing people. So I'm asking, when did you know you were different?"
"I don't know…" He blew out a breath and guessed, "Young? Probably as a child."
"It was the end of my sixth grade year at school." Bird recalled, "I had this friend, this girl who I called my best friend. For years we'd been inseparable. I'd always picked her over everyone else and she'd do the same -but then she made some new friends and stopped talking to me. One day in the girls bathroom at school I confronted her about it and she told me she didn't want to hang out with me anymore because I was weird."
He watched as her face scrunched up at the memory and he started to point out that at least she'd had friends when she was in school, but Bird continued.
"So I hurt her." Bird admitted out loud, "Bad, too."
She blinked, images of the girls bathroom at school painted on the inside of her eyelids once again. The stark contrast of the bright red blood against the pure white porcelain of the sink.
Droplets on the white floor tiles.
The light reflecting off the glass shards from the broken mirror like glitter.
"One minute we were standing there talking -then the next there was blood everywhere. I'd repeatedly smashed her face into the mirror." Cocking her head to the side Bird recalled out loud, "She had several surgeries after that… but she never looked the same."
Nygma shifted in his seat, still not sure why she'd came there so late at night to discuss horrors of the past; with him of all people.
Bird remembered being scared after the fact, not so much of what she'd done but rather of the repercussions she was sure she'd face.
But she didn't. The girl had been so terrified that she never told anyone who'd attacked her.
The first of many acts of violence she'd never suffered the consequences of committing.
"And then the Sunday after it happened, sitting down to dinner with my family and I…" She breathed, "I remember looking back and forth between my mom and dad and watching my little brother and I mean I always felt out of place there… but that was the first time I really started to understand how different I was from them; how much I really didn't fit in."
"Why are you telling me this?" Nygma cleared his throat.
"Because I felt that way for years after that. Like there wasn't any place for me; nowhere that I fit in and no one that I fit with, no one I could really call a friend." Bird explained.
"Until Oswald?" He guessed.
"He's my best friend." Bird nodded and with a sad smile added, "And strangely enough, considering how many times he's nearly gotten the both of us killed; pretty sure I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him."
"Again…" He awkwardly chuckled, "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because; you're the one he picked." Bird calmly said, staring straight ahead of her out into the room.
"Picked?" Nygma repeated back.
Turning her head Bird watched him, looking for any sign of realization on his face; but the search came up empty.
He didn't know. He didn't seem to have any real clue of just how much he meant to Oswald.
And even as mad as she'd been at her best friend lately, Bird didn't betray his confidence and fess up to what she meant. It wasn't her place to do so.
Oswald would tell him; if and when he was ready to confess he loved him.
Clearing her throat Bird just nodded, "He doesn't want me around anymore, but you're around him all the time now-"
"I'm his Chief of Staff." Nygma reminded her.
"I don't just mean professionally." She pointed out, "As friends; he picked you over me-"
"You stabbed him." Nygma stated out, his brows rising as he spoke.
"I did." She freely admitted, "But he hurt me first."
Nygma's gaze fell to the open cushion between them. That wasn't the version of the story Oswald had told him, but that wasn't what was weighing so heavily on his mind.
"The point is-" Bird began with a breath, "You won, okay? So just pay attention to how you treat him because whether he wants me in the picture or not he's still so important to me-"
"Won?" He stammered, pushing his glasses back up on his nose, "What are you talking about?"
Again, he appeared entirely clueless to what she meant.
As if he hadn't spent the months on Oswald's mayoral campaign trying to constantly one-up her, and physically pushing between them for photo shoots.
"Are you kidding?" Bird turned more sideways on the couch to see him in better lighting, "You weaseled your way between us!"
He stared back at her in silence.
"You really weren't doing that on purpose?" She questioned.
"You… you thought I was trying to compete with you?" He asked; seeming genuinely thrown off at the idea.
"If you weren't trying to take my place then what the hell were you doing?" She rose to her feet, head cocked to the side.
Standing up, he motioned nearly wildly with his hands as he spoke, "Helping him with the campaign!"
Bird listened as he launched into a lengthy explanation of how he'd done everything he could to help Oswald not only win the election but believe in himself enough to know he didn't need to cheat his way into the local government.
How Oswald had been there for him when no one else had and he wanted to do the same.
"You really are his friend, aren't you?" She cut in.
Nygma stopped talking, stared back at her as if to silently ask what the hell she was thinking before that point.
Bird stared back at him with an indiscernible expression on her own face.
This was strange territory for her.
She'd spent so long being Oswald's only friend that it had put her on guard about anyone else trying to get close him, since it usually only ended up with them wanting something from him.
"Well…" Bird breathed, "Playing well with others was never one of my strong suits, but for Oswald I'll try." Looking Nygma over she continued, "I'll have to learn to share."
Gathering her thoughts, she looked around to make sure she had all of her belongings and tucked her hair behind her ears while mumbling under her breath about how she wasn't sure Oswald still wanted her in his life anymore.
Without another word to Nygma, Bird started for the door.
He turned in place and followed her.
The entire interaction had left him baffled; from her sharing a seemingly random story from her youth, to apparently not understanding he was actually Oswald's friend.
All this time he'd thought she was still cold to him for what he'd done to Jim the year before; when apparently she'd really thought he'd been trying to compete with her for Oswald's attention.
"He does." Nygma caught her right as she halfway out of the door.
When Bird looked back at him with a questioning look Nygma admitted, "He's always spoken of you often; but since your falling out, he hasn't stopped talking about you."
"Plotting revenge?" Bird arched an eyebrow with her question and a knowing smile toying at the corner of her mouth.
"At times." Nygma admitted with a small smile of his own.
•••
"Is that what you were looking for?" Bird questioned as she walked into the main sitting room in her townhouse to see Jim sitting on the couch with an opened wooden box in his hands.
"Hey." He greeted as tired eyes met hers from across the room. Giving a near sheepish smile, he nodded, "Yeah. Took me a while, but I found it."
Crossing the room, she sat down on the couch beside him with her legs tucked up underneath her and faced him.
"How'd things go with Oswald?" Jim asked.
"They didn't." She said in an airy tone before explaining, "He wasn't there."
Jim's brows lowered upon hearing the news.
"You were gone for a while…"
Bird nodded and didn't shy away from the eye contact, but she also chose not to tell him about the heart-to-heart she'd shared with Edward Nygma of all people.
"I used to have one of these!" Bird exclaimed as she reached into the box of trinkets and memories Jim was still holding and plucked up the rabbits foot key chain, "Mine was purple."
"A purple rabbit?" Jim chuckled.
"They're extremely rare around these parts." Bird played along with a small laugh of her own before she peeked at him from under her dark coated lashes and admitted, "I don't remember mine bringing me any good luck. Did yours?"
"No." He answered, looking down to where she was still holding the trinket from his childhood in her hands and admitted, "I honestly don't know why I still have that thing after all this time."
He tried to remember when he'd gotten it.
Dig up any good memory associated with the key-chain he must have picked up as a child but he couldn't.
It must have been important to him at some point. Meant enough that he'd kept it tucked away after all this time.
"This is what I was searching for." Jim stated as he held out the signet ring he'd located in the box of keepsakes and added, "It was my fathers."
Laying the rabbits foot down on her leg, Bird took the ring from him, feeling it's weight in her palm for a moment before turning it to read the engraving on the face, "Dum spiramus tuebimur."
"While we breathe, we shall defend." Jim translated the Latin.
"Oh…" Bird near silently said as she handed the ring back to him and understood exactly what was going on, "You're going back to the GCPD."
"I'm ready." He nodded.
"I knew it was only a matter of time." Bird blinked, avoiding his gaze and forced a small smile for his benefit before honestly stating, "If this is what you really want then I'm happy you found your way back to it."
Despite Bird's insistence she was glad for him, both her expression and tone led him to believe the opposite was true and he was fairly sure he knew what was bothering her about it.
"This doesn't change anything with us, you know that, right?" He asked.
She looked at him.
Of course it changed things.
When they'd first gotten together he was on the run from police trying to clear his name, then even exonerated of all charges he'd been more of an outlaw than a law abiding citizen.
"All I keep thinking is how much we couldn't stand each other-" She started but he cut her off.
"We didn't know each other." Jim pointed out and then added, "And neither of us are the people we used to be."
True." Bird conceded.
"You knew I was going back on the force sooner or later, Bird." He said.
"Tue." She repeated.
Looking down as she started to smooth the fur of the rabbits foot in her hands.
Anything to keep her hands busy and avoid eye contact with him.
Everything he said was the truth.
She'd always known his time as a cop wasn't really over.
Bird pulled in a deep breath, still not looking up to meet his eyes as she asked, "Of course I knew you were going back to GCPD, Jim, I want you to be happy and for whatever reason being a detective again is something that makes you happy… but, did you ever, even for a moment, consider a life without it?"
"For a moment." Jim admitted as he sat the box down on the coffee table in front of them and caught sight of an old picture of his dad poking out from under some of the trinkets in the box and added, "But this is what I was born to do. Upholding the law is in my blood and honestly, I don't think I'd want it any other way."
For the first time in the last several minutes, Bird looked up at him and he caught a glance of an almost startled expression on her face; fleeting as it was.
If it was in his blood to be good; to uphold the law, serve and protect -then what was in her blood?
To break the same laws he was going to be fighting to protect.
It was ridiculous, she thought to herself, being so worried about this already. He hadn't even officially gotten his badge back and it seemed like most of her criminal days were behind her.
She had a legitimate job. A career in helping the city's least fortunate.
"What's going on?" Jim asked.
He could tell whatever was on her mind was far more than her concern about his going back to work and her usual distaste for police.
They room slipped into an uncomfortable silence. Leaving Jim teetering between his urge to push or giving her the time and patience she needed to say whatever it was swirling around inside of her head.
"I lied to you." Bird finally said.
The beat of Jim's heart started to falter.
Anxiousness growing by every second she paused after the admission.
"At the hospital, when you said in your hallucination you'd seen a future -with us, I told you I pretty much had the same thing happen, but I didn't." She pinned her eyes shut, not sure how he'd feel about what she had to say next, "I saw Oswald."
Realizing she'd paused at the worse possible time, she looked at him with wide eyes and quickly back peddled, "Not in that way. Not even in the future."
"That doesn't exactly make me feel any better-"
"Just listen." She cut in, "I was back working at Fish's club with my best friend. And honestly, it feels like that was the only time in my life when I actually knew who I was and what I wanted."
Jim watched her as she spoke. He bit the side of his tongue to keep from saying the wrong thing, because at that point he felt like there wasn't a right way to respond to what she was telling him.
He wasn't even sure where the conversation was heading.
Whether this was an honest attempt on her part to let him in or possibly even heading to her saying they needed a break.
"I don't understand." He finally said.
"I knew who I was." Bird restated as if it would make a difference, "I was a criminal. A bad person. And as awful as it sounds, I was okay with that, because the people I surrounded myself with were the same as me. It was the first time in my life that I felt I really belonged somewhere. I had a purpose-"
A burst of inappropriate laughter caught them both off guard and Bird cupped a hand over her mouth in an attempt to hold it.
"I know how entirely ridiculous that sounds because Oswald and I were trying to take over the city -but it was still a goal I was working towards. A purpose and since then, it's like I'm being pulled in so many different directions all the time and I never quite feel like the ground I'm standing on is stable." She admitted.
Slowly he nodded.
It wasn't her old life she missed so much as she missed the stability she felt. Even if it was working for a criminal organization.
"But look at all the good you've done since then." Jim pointed out how not only was her job was literally helping the city's less fortunate now, but she'd also taken initiative to push that even further with the shelter's she'd opened.
"That's the scary thing, Jim." Bird finally looked at him again, "I don't feel it. The numbers look good on paper, sure. I do the publicity stunts and shake hands and hear the thank yous and I pretend to be this person radiating warmth and compassion, but I don't really feel any of it."
"What if it's all for nothing?" She stood up, tossed her arms out to the side and looked around, "What if all these time and energy I've been putting into this is for nothing?"
"How?" Jim felt more lost than ever, "How could that be for nothing?"
Crossing her arms over her chest she stared at him until she finally turned around and put her back to him.
At first he thought she was shutting him out; closing down.
"Every time I try to be a better person, I get knocked down, Jim." She spoke to the other side of the room, "Maybe… maybe it's just not in my nature to be good. I mean look at where I came from, not where I grew up but where I actually came from my biological father is mafia Don and my birth mom?"
Bird scoffed, shaking her head and not even able to find the right words.
"That doesn't matter-"
Jim tried to say, but Bird cut him off.
"You just sat there and told me that upholding the law is in your blood." She curtly reminded him.
"I did." He sighed, nodding even though she still wouldn't look at him, "Bird you are not the only person who has darkness in them. I do. Everyone does to some extent-"
His hands landed on her upper arms, strong enough to show he wasn't letting her go but gentle enough that he wasn't going to force her to turn around and face him until she was ready.
"You do." Bird agreed, sounding broken down as if she'd been up more week straight, "But not like mine."
"Look, we both went through hell today and I know you're not telling me everything you saw when you got dosed by Tetch, and that's fine. But whether you tell me or not, you can't fixate on the bad. That's exactly what he wants. To get inside of our heads, to-"
"Show us who we really are?" Bird finally turned back to face him, "I guess it worked, right? We did go through hell and you came out on the other side ready to get your badge back and I feel like a shadow; like I've got no light."
She watched as the confused expression on his face gave way to worry. Maybe even a hint of fear in his eyes.
"Forget it." Bird shook her head and faked a laugh. She shook her head, brunette waves falling into her face, "I'm exhausted. I need sleep and-and you need to see Barnes before he leaves for the night to get your badge and gun back."
She stepped closer, hands on his cheeks as she kissed him, catching him even more off guard.
Then she tried to walk past him towards the stairs as if everything was fine and nothing was even slightly off kilter.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Jim caught her hand in passing and pulled her back until she faced him, "You can't tell me something like that and then shut down… what's going on?"
"I don't know." She smiled, "I'm too tired to even think straight, I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry."
Jim stared back at her. He didn't say it out loud, but her sudden change in mood had him more worried than before.
"Go." Bird playfully pushed him towards the door, "Seriously, I'll feel better in the morning."
•••
With a small sigh, Bird opened her eyes and rolled from her side onto her back; staring up at the ceiling fan for a moment before she looked over next to her where Jim was asleep.
It was official; he was back on the force.
Well, he wouldn't actually be returning to work until Monday but he was a detective once again.
Barnes was happy to be getting his best detective back, Bullock was happy to have his old partner back and Jim seemed far more at peace than he had in months.
He finally felt like he was getting his life back on track, like things were moving in a forward direction once again with more purpose and meaning.
And then there was Bird, who despite doing her best to convince Jim she was happy for him, was now laying wide awake and restless after a day long enough she should have passed out the moment her head hit the pillows.
Jim was a cop; even when he wasn't enlisted on the force anymore, he was still a cop.
It was a strong part of his identity.
But now he had his badge back and it seemed silly to know a metal crest on dark leather would make such a difference in their lives, but it did.
Despite not having acted out recently, Bird still considered herself a criminal, she was sure she always would.
It was just as strong a part of her identity as being a cop was his.
Raising up some, she rested back against the headboard of the bed and rubbed her hands over her face.
As much as she tried not to compare them or the situation to her relationship with Harvey Dent -her mind just kept going back to how hard it was living under the same room with someone on the opposite side of the law from which she lived her life.
She remembered how tiring it was to constantly be on guard about what she said.
Not to mention the terrible idea they'd came up with about her not talking about the parts of her life that he didn't want to know about.
It didn't work; living like that never does,
In so many ways she felt like she'd fractured herself into pieces in an attempt to make that relationship work and she'd vowed when it ended she'd never wind up in a situation like it again.
And so she wouldn't, she thought as she looked back over to where Jim was sleeping. She wasn't going to share her heart, her home and bed with someone she couldn't share the other parts of her life with.
Bird pulled in a deep breath.
Monday was going to be a new beginning of sorts. When the new week started she would be the girlfriend of GCPD's finest.
As someone who usually tried to refrain from giving too much though to the future, she started to wonder what their life would look like years from now and found herself jealous of a part of the hallucination that Jim had-had.
The part where he'd told it was like he'd walked through a door several years into the future. They were married with kids.
Was that really in the future, in her future?
Closing her eyes she tried to imagine what it might look like; would she still be working for Wayne Enterprises?
What promotions would Jim get along the way; captain? Maybe even commissioner one day?
The vicious cycle of relentless questions and anxiety keeping her away was halted by the room illuminating softly with headlights through the window from the street below.
In the near quite room she could hear a car idling outside and then her phone buzzed from the bedside table. Unplugging the phone from the charger she flipped it open to see a text from Oswald asking if she was awake.
Glancing back at Jim, she saw he was still asleep. Then she slid out of the bed as quietly as possible and made her way over to the street facing windows and looking down to see a dark car parked along the sidewalk running in front of her town home.
Grabbing a robe from the hooks on the outside of one of the closet doors, she slid it on before sliding a pair of shoes on and heading for the stairs.
As she made her way towards the car, she watched as the driver got out and quickly went around to open Oswald's door.
"I didn't know if you'd be awake." Oswald admitted as he stood to his feet.
"I think I spent too long working nights at Fish's club." Bird admitted, her eyes falling to where he was holding a wooden box before pointing out, "And I'm surprised you waited out here and texted me. You used to just pick the locks and invite yourself on in."
"Yes." He chuckled, glancing down before looking back up to meet her eyes, "But things are different now, aren't they?"
He imagined if there was a noise in the middle of the night that Jim would be coming down the stairs with a firearm in hand.
Not that Bird would need him too; but it was still a situation that Oswald wasn't looking to stir up that night.
"I heard Jim Gordon has officially joined the police force again." He brought up, unable to stop himself from adding, "How is that going to work out with your relationship?"
With a noise that sounded something like a laugh and the air being knocked out of her, Bird crossed her arms and added, "So… maybe my night-owl tendencies aren't the only reason I can't sleep."
Changing the topic, she questioned, "I assume you've talked to Nygma?"
"No." Oswald looked confused until Bird admitted that she'd stopped by the house earlier and saw him.
"I wanted to come see you." He quickly said, "I just didn't want to show up empty handed."
With that he extended his arms with the smooth wooden box in his hands for the taking.
Her eyes went to the bandage covering his still healing hand wound before she stared at the box a for a moment.
"Bird?" Oswald pushed it more in her direction until she finally took it from him.
Releasing the clasp on it, she slowly opened the box to reveal a beautiful revolver with white gold detailing and real diamonds along the handle; nestled in a bed of dark purple satin.
Glancing up she eyed him from under her long lashes and then looked back down to the gift.
"Oswald." She smiled, "It's gorgeous."
He beamed back at her.
Every single time he'd tried to say he was sorry for what transpired between them, she wouldn't let him.
So if she wouldn't allow him to apologize verbally then he'd do so in another way; in the form of a thoughtful and extremely expensive gift.
Holding the box in one hand, she cupped her other hand over her mouth and tried to hold a laugh in.
"What?" He pushed.
The formerly warm expression on his face giving into a quick jolt of anger at thinking she was laughing at him.
"I'm sorry." Bird laughed, muffled through her fingers, "It's just… I stab you and you get me a gun for a present?"
He could still feel his cheeks were hot from the rush of rage seconds ago, but he was no longer angry with her as he laughed along.
"I'm trusting you to use this on your enemies." He smiled, "Not on-"
His voice trailed off, he wasn't sure if she still considered him a friend after what he'd said to her -not to mention the physical act of putting a knife to her throat.
"My best friend?" She finished for him
"Yes." He was no longer smiling. Emotion was visible in his eyes, thick in the tone of his voice, "If you'll still have me, that is?"
Closing the wood box, Bird stared at him long enough that he shifted his stance and started to feel like a bug under a magnifying glass in the sun. Helpless but to be burnt to a crisp by the one watching him.
"I'm sorry." She sincerely said.
His heart dropped.
He'd really done it this time, he thought, she was truly going to wash her hands of him.
"All you asked for was for me to happy for you." She breathed, running her tongue over lips, "And I couldn't see past my own jealousy to do that."
Oswald raised his head from where his posture had slouched from feeling his heart shatter all over again.
Jealousy? His entire being perked up a bit; did she really admit that out loud?
She avoided his eyes and tossed out single shoulder shrug, "I didn't want to share." Bird continued to admit, "You were always mine and then suddenly Edward Nygma was in the picture and I didn't like it."
Mine.
The word echoed over in his head.
The very same term he'd always use when it came to her; both in his own thinking and out loud to others. He'd always declared she was his, as if she was something to own -he'd never quite allowed himself to believe in some ways she felt the same about him.
"I never should have said what I did, Bird." He was quick to throw in his own apologies and regrets now, "I was awful to you when you've been the best friend that anyone could ask for."
"It's okay-"
The words came out automatically.
"Not it isn't." He corrected.
"It's really not." Bird agreed, "For either of us. The things we said and ways we hurt each other…"
Her voice trailed off and they stared at one another in the streetlights; both sets of eyes glistening.
For hardened criminals, they were both far more emotional beings than they let on, especially around each other.
A stabbing pain jolted through his chest. Even after apologizing and bearing gifts, Oswald still felt bad for what he'd said to her. There were still scattered bruises on her face from the fight they'd had and he'd never forget the way the handle of the knife felt in his hand with the blade pressed against the delicate skin of her neck.
And for a moment, in the blinding red rage at the time, he considered it -maybe even wondered what it would have felt like to kill her, to not only know she'd never be able to hurt him again; but to know he'd caused it himself.
That she'd never truly leave him then; taking her life away would have made her a part of him forever.
Picking up where she left off, her voice was hoarse and the words startled him, almost as if she could have been reading his thoughts, "Sick, isn't it? How capable we are of hurting the people closest to us?"
Earlier that night, Bird had opened up to Nygma about the girl she'd hurt back in middle school. The girl she'd called her best friend at the time.
As close as they were, she could hurt her in other ways. Spread her secrets, said the things that would have tore her down at the time -but she didn't.
Bird had wanted to see the destruction up close, she wanted to watch her bleed.
Just like when she'd stuck the fork into Oswald's hand and watched the blood spill out on the pristine white tablecloth.
She knew the words to say to cut him deeper than any weapon could reach, and she did knowingly tear him down in that way too, but it wasn't enough.
As much as she cared about him; she wanted to watch him bleed too.
"What happens now?" Oswald questioned.
"I don't know." Bird answered, "Move forward I guess?"
"You know-" She sucked in a breath that felt like it burnt her lungs, "When I was under the hallucinogens earlier tonight, I saw you. We were working back at Fish's club. Sitting at the bar trying to figure out which movie we were going to see after work-"
"I get nostalgic for those days too." He admitted.
"Right?" Her head cocked to the side and she nodded, "Sometimes I feel like I'd give anything to go back to those days."
"As do I." Oswald agreed with an admission of his own.
His eyes drifted past her to the townhouse she'd emerged from several minutes ago, his eyes traveling up the aged brick until he caught sight of something. Squinting in the lighting he realized it was someone at an upstairs window.
Bird followed her friend's line of sight and looked over her shoulder.
"Jim's awake." Bird pointed out the obvious. Then feeling the need to explain further as to why he was spying on them she added, "I said some things earlier tonight. I think I startled him, he's worried about me."
It also hadn't helped matters that he was fully aware of the physical altercation between them; he just didn't know how far it had went.
Oswald's eyes dropped from where Jim was watching them with a realization of just how drastically different their lives were now compared to how things used to be.
"We can't ever go back." Oswald stated but it sounded like a question, "Our only choice is a forward motion, we'll never be able to go back to those days we think of so fondly."
Bird blinked rapidly, the stinging in her eyes threatening to spill a few tears she didn't want to shed, "Remember when we were so convinced nothing would ever change with us?"
"What a foolish thought." Oswald cleared his throat and fought to keep his own emotions from taking over.
Bird softly smiled and nodded in agreement. They had been fools to think that. So idealistic with no idea what the future would hold for either of them.
"You're still my best friend." Bird answered what he'd asked earlier and then questioned, "We'll make this work, right?"
"Always." He vowed.
They stared at each other again, neither of them saying it but both wondering in silence if that was also a foolish thought.
"I better get back inside." Bird said as she took a couple steps away from him before stopping and saying, "I don't know if he loves you the same way love him; but Ed does care about you."
Oswald's face lit up some. A fluttering of hope came to life in his stomach at her words.
Her words might have left him feeling a bit more relieved if something else hadn't been weighing so heavily on him.
"Bird?" Oswald walked closer, "There is one thing I don't understand. Why didn't you stop me? That day, the flight… the knife…" His voice lowered some, "I could have killed you."
"Because…" She breathed, "It would have completely destroyed you. I might have died -but you would never have come back from that. Killing me would have eaten you alive."
With that she stepped forward pressed a small kiss to his cheek and then went back inside of the house, leaving Oswald standing frozen in place.
She was right, there was no point in trying to deny that.
And while her words should have chilled him to his very core, it had stirred something else in him.
A feeling he hadn't associated with her in quite sometime.
A tinge of giddiness? A bit of pride?
He glanced back up to the now empty window where Jim had been keeping an eye on them and smiled to himself triumphantly.
Even with all the changes she'd been undergone in the recent years and all the times he'd felt disappointed in her and the choices she made -it once again seemed abundantly clear that at her core she was still the person who'd meant the most to him.
In spite of everything she was still Bird, still his Bird -and that felt like a victory.
•••
A/N -First off; I'd like to thank: Love. Fiction. 2019, AGBreads, ThatMysteriousSlime, Shadow knight1121, SmellYourScentForMiles, Rasiel Hasu, Munyue, Havana, xxXWolfsLullabyXxx, and DancingDorisDay for reviewing the last chapter. I appreciate it so much!
Ahh, guys I am so sorry for how long it's taken for me to get this chapter done and posted! I've had parts of it done for over a month, but over all this took a lot out of me.
Especially the ending scene with her and Oswald; I really wanted to get it perfect and wanted it to do them both and their twisted friendship justice.
And then I also struggled getting through Bird's talk with Jim. Ugh, seriously this chapter kicked my ass.
Anyways, show of hands, who is still with me? Haha
I hope you all thoroughly enjoyed the long over due update and are excited for the rest of the story!
I'd really love if you'd take a few moments to let me know your thoughts on the chapter.