XX - Not Even a Little Bit. Not Even at All.
"A cut. That's what I felt. Words can cut, slice, like a razor." - Megan Miranda, Fracture
•••
Harvey let out a small sigh when he entered the living room to see Bird wasn't on the couch.
Her bag was still on the floor next to it and the blanket and pillow he'd loaned to her was pushed to one end; the exact spot he'd left them the night before.
The scent of coffee tickled his nose long before he'd walked into the kitchen.
"Did you sleep?" Harvey questioned as he walked into the room with Bird.
Drying her hands off on a towel, Bird ignored the question and said, "You're running late. I made your breakfast and coffee to go."
"My… my what?"
His brain was having trouble keeping up.
In truth he'd barely slept the night before.
He'd been both worried about Bird and nervous about her being in his house. Which had left him tossing and turning, wondering if she was behind every noise he'd heard in the house.
When they lived together, despite knowing how uncomfortable the company she kept made him -she'd still have people over.
Invite criminals right into his house.
And even though she'd shut her phone off before he'd went to bed and insisted she was there to hide out from everyone, he wondered how true that was.
"Here-" Bird's voice interrupted his thoughts.
Next thing he knew, Bird had pushed a travel coffee mug into his hand and was offering up a bagel breakfast sandwich filled with bacon, egg and cheese.
"Uh…" He stammered.
Back when they were dating and would spend the night at each others apartments, hell, even when they lived together he couldn't remember a time she'd actually fixed anything for breakfast.
She'd sometimes have his coffee ready for him, sure.
But if she did anything for breakfast she'd dart out for bagels or muffins from a nearby bakery.
His wide eyes went from the freshly washed pans and utensils in the dying rack, back to where she stood in front of him.
"Did you sleep?" He repeated his earlier questioned, "At all?"
"I tried."
Lie.
It was a lie and they both knew it.
"Starling." Harvey exhaled her name and tried to pick his next words carefully to deal as less a blow as possible, "You know how… bad it is for you to not sleep."
A kind way of pointing out how quickly her mental state could deteriorate with lack of sleep.
Especially when it was something she was depriving herself of; like a punishment.
She'd sat in front of him barely ten hours before and told him how Jim had killed her half-brother.
Her voice and choice of words was very matter-of-fact.
One might even say emotionless.
"I'll sleep while you're at work." She dismissed his concern.
"You don't have to do any of this." He pointed out raising his hands up in the air with the coffee in one and the sandwich in the other, "You don't owe me anything-"
"Might as well make myself useful." She interrupted and then nodded towards the clock on the wall. The clock she'd purchased from a local artist who re-purposed various items when they were getting the house ready to move into, "You're going to be late."
Without another word or glance at him, she walked over to the cabinet towards the left of the sink and started to get the bag of coffee grounds out to start up another pot of coffee.
Clearly she wasn't planning on sleeping.
"Okay… no." Harvey breathed, setting the food and drink in his hands down on the island and walking over to her where he plucked the bag of coffee right from her hands, "This isn't going to help you sleep."
She didn't respond to him. Stared straight ahead out of the window above the sink.
The stillness in the room was unsettling.
He felt like he'd lit a firework and the wick had burnt right up but the explosion didn't happen.
Like if he took one step closer it would blow and he'd lost a limb.
"Starling."
He repeated her name.
"You're right." She turned her head and gave him a smile but the expression didn't come close to reaching her eyes.
His brows raised.
A chill crept down his spine.
Something was wrong.
It wasn't right.
She wasn't right.
It hadn't been a full twenty four hours since she'd watched Jim kill her half-brother, witnessed the last traces of life leave his eyes.
How could she be fine after that?
It wasn't that Harvey wanted her to burst into tears, but he'd rather have witnessed that then see her start to revert to the emotionless shell of a person he'd spent so long trying to crack the surface of when they were dating.
Clearing his throat, he returned the coffee to the cabinet and offered, "I can take the day off."
Looking around he tried to think of something that would interest her, "We could… I don't know, get out of the city?"
Bird blinked.
"Catch a movie?" He continued, "That theater you love that's an hour away, they have mid-day matinees-"
"No." Bird shook her head, "Right now no one knows where I am. If you start dodging work or acting suspicious than that might change and I can't risk that. You have to go to work and act like everything is normal."
"And leave you here… by yourself?"
"I'm fine."
Anger bubbled at the back of his throat.
The one thing that always got under his skin was her lies.
Harvey swallowed the feeling back down or at least he thought he had until Bird went to walk past him and next thing he knew his hand was around her arm.
"I'm not leaving you here." His words came out rougher than he'd meant; then again so did his hold on her.
Her eyes went down to where he had a painfully tight grip on her upper arm and then up to his face.
When their eyes locked, he came back to his senses, quickly let go of her and bit back an apology.
"I mean I don't want to leave you here alone." He reached up and loosened the tie around his neck, "You're worrying me."
The longer they'd spend apart, the more he'd realized it was for the best.
He couldn't control himself.
The person he turned into around her was someone he hated; but no matter how hard he fought against it the anger just blinded him.
Now he felt like he needed to get out of there just as badly as she wanted him gone.
A part of him still cared for her and always would.
It hurt to see her hurting. To witness her doing herself more harm than good.
"I'm not yours to worry about." Bird finally spoke.
"I'm going to go." Harvey sighed, deflated and guilty, "But I'll keep my cell on. Call me if you need to."
Bird nodded, her eyes meeting his for a fleeting second before she looked back down to the floor with her arms crossed over her chest. Waiting for him to go.
•••
It was late afternoon that Bird made it back from her quick outing to a newspaper stand.
She'd tucked her hair up into a hat, wore sunglasses in to disguise her appearance. Something she'd almost talked herself out of before leaving the house.
But when she reached the stand, she was thankful she'd let her paranoia steer the decision.
Most of the big name papers focused their story on Mario's death, the contributions he'd made while alive and only made small mention of his familial ties to Bird and Falcone.
His being infected with the Tetch Virus had already been leaked.
She'd frowned at the least reputable publications, some even had her picture on the cover. Conspiracy theories galore and wild accusations.
Anything to sell a paper and make a buck.
She bought everything that mentioned the names Falcone, Calvi or Wayne.
Paid in cash, refused to make small talk with the shop owner and then got back to Harvey's house as soon as she could.
By the time Harvey made it home from work, Bird had half of the couch and the entire coffee table covered with articles.
Juggling the bag of food and drink carrier in one arm, he shut and locked the front door behind him.
"Did you sleep at all?" He asked.
"Some." She answered, folding the paper she'd been reading up and tossing it onto the table in front of her.
Harvey couldn't tell if she was lying or telling the truth, but he decided to not push her, she seemed a bit more stable than when he'd left.
With a small nod, he carried the food into the kitchen and she scrambled to her feet to follow him.
"I, um…" Bird cleared her throat, "I saw on the mid-day news report that I.A. would likely be finishing up the investigation into Jim… uh, Mario's death…"
Her voice trailed off.
Harvey was facing away from her, but she'd saw his posture stiffen. Shoulders tense.
Being unable to see his face, Bird couldn't tell exactly what emotion she'd just brought out in him.
But it was clear from his body language she'd said or done the wrong thing.
An all too well-known feeling left over from when they were together.
"Starling…" He let out a sigh.
When he turned to face her, she saw he appeared to be cringing and not angry.
With another exhale, he sat the food and drinks down on the kitchen island and stated, "If you want to ask me about Jim. Then ask."
"Not too weird?"
Her nose wrinkled as she waited on a response.
"Ha!" Harvey shook his head, "I don't think we could make this any more awkward if we tried too."
She smiled.
It wasn't much but it was a start.
He smiled back, feeling a bit lighter than moments before.
Harvey had meant what he'd said when he told her he'd been worried about her.
Since she'd showed up at his door she was a nervous wreck. Going between bouts of seeming to be in so much pain she couldn't breath and then just as quickly into a state of numbness.
Empty but threatening to tear at the seams.
Of course that didn't make it an easier to say what he needed to say next.
He didn't know how she'd take the news or what she was hoping the outcome of the investigation was.
"Did they clear him?"
Bird finally brought herself to ask.
"It was one of the quickest open/shut cases I've seen." Harvey nodded, "Jim was cleared of any wrongdoing."
"It was a legit kill?" Bird's voice was quiet.
She'd heard Jim use that term before.
"It was." Harvey answered.
He watched her as she stood in place, her eyes seeming to lose focus again.
Like she were being pulled from the room despite still standing right there.
"Is that you wanted?" Harvey questioned.
Hoping to bring her back. Keep her engaged and alert.
"I don't know…." She ran her hands over her head, resting on the back of her neck and seeming shrink into herself, "It was a legit kill."
She repeated the term out loud again as if that would cause it to make more sense.
"Legally, sure." He agreed, "But you're allowed to feel however you feel about it."
"I know I'm allowed to feel, Harvey." Her tone dried, "That's the problem though. I don't know what to even to start to feel."
"Well…" He drew the word out. Opened up the bag of food and said, "Start with hungry -and we'll go from there."
He glanced at her from under his brows with a smile.
Even though she'd cooked him breakfast before he left for work, she'd only had coffee since the night before.
As in on cue, her stomach growled as the blend of spices reached her nose.
"You remembered." Another smile graced her face.
"The spicy chicken you forced me to eat three times a week?" He laughed and held out of the foil wrapped sandwich for her to take.
Gratefully, she took the food from him and sat down.
She knew for a fact the restaurant he'd picked this up from was out of the way for his drive home.
That he'd made a special trip to one of her favorite places.
It was a small gesture, but made her feel volumes better.
She'd gotten about a third of her food down when the small talk between them drew out into a silence.
A silence she felt the need to fill with noise and answers to silence the nagging thoughts of Jim in her head.
"Did you see him?"
Bird asked, her lips brushing against the side of her glass of lemonade.
Out of the corner of her eye Bird saw Harvey lay his own sandwich down on it's open wrapper - more like throw it down.
You just don't know what to stop, do you?
Bird turned to face him, blinking rapidly as his the ghost of his voice echoed in her head from their time together.
He hadn't said it this time -at least not out loud, but she'd heard it more than several times during their relationship.
A jolt of pain shot through her. A nearly healed scar being forced open again.
And just like that she knew what was coming, that he'd say something to make her feel like she'd ruined everything all over again.
"Yeah." Harvey didn't look at her when he spoke, "I saw Jim today. Only in passing… but yeah."
Bird's eyes widened.
His voice was steady, tone even.
No traces of the anger she'd thought for sure to have lured out of him.
A tinge of warmth; a light in the dark.
She remembered this side of him well too.
The side that was patient and kind. Polar opposite of the times he'd put his hands on her.
Harvey turned his head, looked at her and gave a small nod.
Gesturing for her to ask what she needed to ask.
No anger. No jealousy. No judgement.
It was a feeling she wanted to wrap herself up in.
"How did he seem?" Bird asked.
"Not good." Harvey admitted to her.
Stopping just shy of admitting he'd easily recognized it because he, himself, was still trying to cope with the ways he'd hurt her.
"I just keep thinking…" Bird's voice was barely over a whisper. Her breathing shallow, "He tried so hard to warn me. To get me to listen to him and believe him about Mario -but I was too hurt to hear him."
"And that maybe if I'd heard what he tried to tell me then Mario would still be alive." She continued.
There was an enormous guilt pressing in on her.
Not just a feeling, more like a separate entity that was sitting there with her. Growing larger and taking up more room by the second.
Eventually it would swallow her up. Eat her whole.
"None of this is your fault." Harvey tried to assure her, but it was falling on deaf ears.
"It was a legit kill." Bird repeated the words over again like a mantra, "Jim did what he had to do."
Her voice wavered, "What kind of person would I be to hate him for that?"
Before Harvey could say anything, Bird countered her own argument, "He killed my brother… what kind of person would I be if I don't hate him?"
Harvey watched her.
She didn't cry. Didn't look up.
He didn't have the answers to the questions she was asking.
So he reached over and took her hand, folding it in his grip and giving a small squeeze so at least she'd know someone was there was with her.
Bird's eyes traveled over to where their hands were joined.
It was a gentle, loving gesture.
And if there hadn't been an incident where he'd tried to crush that very hand in his grip once before it might have soothed her instead of stinging from frostbite.
"I was in a bad relationship with someone… before Jim."
"You're saying that things got physical?"
A former conversation she'd had with Mario played in her head and she knew she should pull away from Harvey, but she didn't.
••• A Few Days Later •••
"Oswald?" Bird's voice expelled her best friend's name like it had been forced out of her.
Her eyes were wide and she leaned to the side to glance around him.
"I'm alone." He held up his hands.
A sign of surrender.
He'd started to ask her how she was doing, but before he got the first word out she'd grabbed his arm and pulled him inside the house. Nearly slamming the door behind him.
Oswald stared at her.
She looked frazzled, if he was putting it kindly.
"How did you know I was here?" She demanded to know.
His eyes cut down to the floor and then locked back on hers.
"You're my best friend, Bird." A smirk pulled at a single corner of his mouth, "I know you better than you know yourself."
"No. No." She scratched at the side of her head, in her tangled mess of hair, "I specifically came here because it's the last place anyone would look. Including you."
Adjusting his stance, Oswald glanced around the living room.
The house, from what he could see of it at least was in pristine condition.
Very clean. Everything seemed to have a place.
Except for Bird.
"Where else would you be?" Oswald's head cocked to the side, "You went to the one place that would hurt Jim Gordon."
"No-" She started to protest.
Defend her reasoning until the end.
She was there for a few reasons. Most importantly it was the perfect hiding spot and no one would find her there.
She still trusted Harvey -to a degree at least, which was more than she could say for most.
It was a logical move.
No emotion involved.
And it certainly didn't have anything to do with Jim.
Oswald cut her off, "I'm sorry for you loss, Bird."
She blinked. Her stomach lurched.
She despised those words.
The phrase in its entirety and the usual lack of emotion behind it.
"I'm so sick of hearing people say that." She closed her eyes, "I didn't…." She stammered, "I didn't lose anything. My brother is dead. I didn't lose him. He was taken from me."
After her parents were killed the supposed to be comforting condolences seemed to have the opposite effect.
It was one apology after another, filtered in with people she didn't know telling her to stay strong. That they were in a better place. That she'd see them again some day.
She could still remember the look on of her father's old business partner's face. A slightly over middle aged man who she hadn't seen in close to thirteen years found her shortly after her parent's funeral and told her how she shouldn't be sad for what she'd lost but try to remain thankful for the time she got with them.
As if that would bring her any comfort on the day the two people who'd raised her were laid to rest beneath the earth.
But the cherry on top had been when he assured her they were in a much better place and she'd be reunited with them one day.
That was when the polite smile she'd plastered on had turned to stone.
She'd pulled her dark sunglasses off, showing her red and blood shot eyes -caused by far more than lack of sleep and said in a deadpan voice, "If there is something else after this life… I promise you I'm not going to end up in the same place as them."
"Bird?" Oswald took a step closer, his friend's eyes seemed to have glazed over, "How are you holding up?"
What a ridiculous question it was and they both knew it.
"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel." She crossed her arms over her chest, shifted her legs and then let her arms drop awkwardly to her sides.
Her mind felt fractured.
Able to see what happened from a logical standpoint and then being eaten alive with the pain and guilt.
Oswald frowned.
The last conversation he'd had with Bird hadn't ended well.
He'd been so caught up in his own heartache from his confession of love to Edward Nygma not panning out how he'd hoped.
She'd tried to tell him about a fight she'd had with Jim, but he'd been too preoccupied with his own life to hear her at all.
In truth, he'd continued rambling into the phone for close to five minutes before he'd realized she'd long since hung up on him.
He felt bad about that now.
Wanted to apologize but it seemed such a small event now after she'd lost her brother and he chose not to bring it up.
"Thank you for coming to check on me." Her tone was hollow, "But you should go. This isn't my house and I specifically promised Harvey I wouldn't bring anyone here."
Oswald bit down on the side of his tongue.
He'd only been to this house once before and only saw it from the outside.
The night he'd killed Fish and Bird had been injured in the fight that broke out with Maroni's gang.
He'd limped up the sidewalk in the middle of the night to check on her only to be very coldly and rudely turned away by one very pissed off Harvey Dent.
Just from what he saw, he knew Bird's relationship with the attorney had been full of pretending.
That in the beginning of their relationship at least, before he'd learned who she really was, that she could be someone else.
He knew it wouldn't last between them and now just as clearly he could see what she was trying to do; to hide out there. Forget about everything and everyone outside of those doors. Keep pretending.
"Bird." Oswald reached out, his hand landing on her arm just above her wrist, "I say this as your truest and oldest friend…"
Her neck craned to the side. She had a feeling she wasn't going to like what followed.
"You can't hide inside this house forever." His thumb rubbed over the bump of her wrist bone, "Trust me. I know."
His own mind flashed back to the trauma of losing his father, Elijah.
The rage he'd felt at learning Grace and her children had been behind it and the fitting punishment he'd literally dished out to his step-mother before killing her.
The weeks following that night where he stayed completely isolated in his late father's mansion.
The times he, himself, felt like he didn't know how to go on from there. And in some ways he didn't.
Staying cooped up there had let him detach from the outside world and everyone in it.
Even if it were only inside his head -it allowed him to exist in a different reality.
"I'm not hiding." Bird tried to defend, her arms crossed over her chest again, "I just needed someplace to stay for a few days. To get my head together is all."
"You're not hiding?" Oswald could have laughed if she didn't look so broken, "My showing up here sent you into a panic."
"I'm not ready to see Jim." She swallowed hard, "He's probably looking for me-"
"Oh-" A chuckle escaped, "He most certainly is."
Bird stepped forward, this time it was her reaching out for him. Her fingers grasping onto the sleeve of his overcoat, "You -you saw him?"
The jitters had returned. She was stammering.
"He came to see me." Oswald explained, "He thought you might be staying with me or at the very least that I'd spoken to you."
The last time she and Jim had a bad disagreement she packed and left. Hid out with her best friend for a while until she felt ready to face him again.
"What did you say?" She pried.
"That I hadn't spoke to you since the day he gunned down your half-brother." Oswald nearly looked amused as he thought back to his conversation with the detective.
Jim trying to justify what he'd done. Repeatedly saying he just needed to explain what happened to Bird.
As if she didn't know and as if it would make any sort of difference.
"I may have also suggested that you more than likely left Gotham." He continued, "And that if you wanted to see him -you'd seek him out."
The response brought a small smile to her face.
Oswald might have known where she'd been but his response surely had Jim checking into other leads.
"Thank you-" Bird started to say. Grateful he'd had her back.
But Oswald was already onto how the conversation ended, "He asked me to tell you when I next spoke with you…"
He hesitated.
"To tell me what?" Bird questioned.
Her expression twisted.
She braced herself. Not knowing what he might say next.
"That he wants you to come home." Oswald's voice quieted.
He stared at her. Waited for her next move. Unsure of what she'd say or do.
"I miss my apartment." Bird laughed, catching him off guard, "My first apartment. It was all mine."
She rubbed her face. The sounds of her laughter distorted and muffled; he wasn't sure if she'd started crying or was still laughing.
"I can't seem to find a home now."
She raised her head and looked at him. Her mouth still curved up into a jagged smile,
It had been all laughter and no tears.
But the hopeless kind of laugh that erupts when there's nothing else to say or do.
He'd been there plenty of times himself but it always pained him to see like that.
"You didn't get to see this place at the beginning!" Bird loudly said, holding her arms out to the side and spinning in a circle, "So much time and money went into making this brownstone livable. It took a while to even find contractors who thought it was worth putting the work in to save this building and not tear it down to re-build from the ground up.
Oswald looked around them again.
It was hard to imagine the place being in such decrepit conditions with how modern it looked now.
But that was Bird, seeing potential in things that few others did.
Oswald smiled. His Bird.
After all, she'd been the only person to see potential in him years ago as well.
"This was supposed to be my home… but I made the mistake of sharing it with someone else." Bird shook her head, "By the time Harvey and I broke up, I just let him keep the place. I didn't want it."
He nodded.
Understandable enough.
"Wait." Oswald interrupted her, "You got your new townhouse before you and Jim-"
His face twisted.
"Doesn't matter." Bird's hair fell into her face as she shook her head, "I built a home with him there. It's not mine. It's ours. Even if he left and I went back there… I'd just feel him everywhere."
Her head lowered, "He'd still be haunting me."
"You're more than welcome to come stay with me-"
Oswald started to offer, but Bird stopped with him a hand in the air.
"I think the best place for me to be is here."
She declined.
"I disagree." Oswald spoke openly.
With a stubborn shrug, Bird told Oswald he should leave.
The day before Harvey had surprised her on his lunch hour and if he were to come home and find Oswald there he'd probably kick her out.
She walked with him towards the door and felt the need to set something in stone that she'd said earlier.
"I'm not back with Harvey. It's not like that." She defended, "My being here has nothing to do with Jim. I'm not here to hurt him. I'm just… here."
"Oh, Bird…" Oswald let out a heavy sigh, "The lies we tell ourselves." He shook his head.
She was as transparent as a spotless window to him.
"You're wrong."
There was a jolt of anger in Bird's voice
"You came to the one place that would hurt Jim Gordon." He repeated his earlier sentiment.
"You're wrong." She repeated, "Not that it's any of your business, but I haven't done anything to hurt Jim. I stay on the couch and Harvey sleeps upstairs."
"And why would I do that to myself anyways when I know how it would end?" Bird added, "I already got my heart broken here once. It wouldn't make any sense for me to put myself through all of this again."
"Matters of the heart rarely do." Oswald stated, "Jim hurt you. And Bird, we both know you would hurt yourself to get back at him."
She wanted to scream out that he was wrong.
A child-like fit threatened to burst at the seams.
Perhaps it was because her father used to say something similar to her about her self-destructive ways. That she'd be the kind to cut off her own nose just to spite her face.
He could see the stubborn ire written all over her face and posture.
A cue to leave before he made her mad enough that she took off and left even him not knowing where she went.
Oswald reached for the door, his hand landing on the cold metal handle.
Hesitation in his movements before he looked over his shoulder and carefully pointed out, "You can't hide here forever Bird-"
"You already told me that." She rolled her eyes.
"Yes, but what I mean is you'll have to make a decision sooner rather than later. Jim killed a Don's son. You know how this works. There will be retribution."
"I know." Her tone hollowed again, "But Falcone won't do anything until after the funeral. He won't make a move until Mario is laid to rest."
Turning back to look at her, Oswald pointed out, "The funeral is two days away."
••• That Night •••
Harvey sat the bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table, swooped up the remote and stopped the movie they'd been watching.
More so, that he'd been watching while Bird stared off into space.
It had been a very slow process and she'd still been in a bad place, but she'd also seemed to be doing a bit better each day.
But today when he'd gotten home from work the air in the house felt thick.
A layer of melancholy painted on every surface.
"What happened today?" He asked.
"I spoke with Oswald." Bird admitted, "He came by to check on me."
The admission cause his hand to tighten on the remote. The plastic housing creaking in his grip.
"You promised me that you wouldn't bring anyone I don't approve of here." He reminded her.
"Yes, well, I've never been very good at abiding by the rules." She let out a sigh.
He turned some on the couch to get a better look at her.
She didn't have to tell him that. A part of him wasn't too sure why she did.
It felt like she was trying to make him mad.
She always seemed to be pushing him.
Something he couldn't understand considering how out of control things had gotten in the past. Despite his best efforts to control his rage.
He hated himself every single time he'd lost control with her. Every incident he'd hurt her was still seared in his mind. Physically burning like a hot iron in his head.
Closing his eyes he pulled in a deep breath trying to find a center.
When he opened his eyes again, his eyes sought out her arm, the spot he'd grabbed onto her a few days prior.
Sure enough there was some discoloration on her skin.
Pain jolted him.
Like a crack of lightning.
Having her around wasn't good for him.
Not only due to the fact she seemed to stoke the rage that usually lied dormant in him more than any other person he'd ever met.
But she forced him to face the worse parts of himself.
The parts that were capable of hurting something he loved with his bare hands.
When his eyes traveled up to her face, he jumped slightly at realizing she'd been staring at him.
Bird glanced down to the bruise and didn't appear to have a reaction to it herself.
She could cover it, she considered, or at the very least drape a blanket around herself for now.
Clearly it was bothering Harvey. He looked to be in more pain than the injury had inflicted on her.
Then again, he was the one who put the mark there -so why should she have to cover it for his sake?
Seconds of silence passed, but it felt like several minutes to them both.
"Oh my god." She near silently breathed.
So quiet he didn't hear her.
It wasn't an easy truth to admit to herself, but Oswald was right.
She wasn't above putting herself through pain if put someone else through worse.
Bird knew exactly how much Harvey hated himself for the times he'd hurt her.
Even though it nearly always resulted in a mark on her flesh, it cut Harvey twice as bad.
And even though nothing excused the times he'd come to blows with her, there was still something to be said for the fact that she'd chosen to stay.
She remembered the first time their arguments had turned physical. When he'd stuck her across the face in the street outside of the Fish's former club.
The avoidance that followed. His vow to stay away from from her.
His worst fears coming to life.
That he'd grown up into an abusive man, just like the father he'd ran away from.
The night she'd showed up at his apartment.
The conversation they'd had of how he honestly didn't think he was capable of hurting her and how he'd never forgive himself for doing so.
How Harvey had completely shut down. Missed work for an entire week and let the regret swallow him up. Punishing himself.
She knew he still wouldn't forgive himself for that first time or the times that came after.
His raw admission of how hitting her wasn't a conscious decision and therefore he couldn't promise it would never happen again.
How she'd sworn she loved him anyways. It was the truth, but she also knew telling him that would hurt him all over again.
She recalled what he'd told her, nearly word-for-word.
"I love you more than you know, more than I've loved anyone or anything before and yet I still managed to fly into a rage and hurt you. I don't even know what happened. One minute we were arguing and then I had a hold of you. You felt so small and breakable in my hands and… and it takes a different kind of animal to hurt something you love."
That it does Harvey, she thought to herself, and she was just as sick as he was.
Only Bird's method was more mental while his was physical.
"Starling?" Harvey leaned down some, trying to catch her line of sight but even waving a hand in front of her face wouldn't have registered. She was lost in memories.
Not of her time with Harvey with now, but her friendship with Barbara. Who at the time was fresh out of her breakup with Jim.
They'd both been drunk and high, sitting on the floor of Bird's apartment sharing heartache over failed and troubled relationships.
Barbara had been the first person Bird had ever told about Harvey hitting here.
She wasn't sure what sort of response she'd expected from the blonde, but she'd never forget Barbara's wild-eyed admission of how she would push Jim during their worst fights. Press every single button she could and at times wished he'd take a swing at her -out of passion.
How Barbara seemed almost bored and disappointed to say that despite her best efforts Jim had never gotten violent with her during their relationship.
"Harvey…" Bird breathed, grabbing the blanket beside her and wrapping it around herself.
Sometimes letting someone hurt you is really a way of hurting them.
She'd known that for as long as she could remember.
But it didn't seem to come into perspective until just now.
All the signs she'd either missed or ignored in their relationship that they were treading a very thin line between love and hate. What feels good and what hurts.
What they'd had between them had burned so fast and hot that it blew up.
That there was no way they could ever really be friends now; something she'd known but hadn't really admitted to herself until now.
"I shouldn't have come here." A sad smile was on her lips. Her eyes slightly glossed as she looked over at him again, "We've never been good for each other."
His eyes dropped back to the blanket now shielding the damage he'd done to her arm away from his sight.
He remembered the first time he'd suggested they go out on a date. Long before he knew much about her.
How she'd stood in front of him and told him they were two very different people who wanted very different things -and how he had no idea how honest she was being with him in that moment,
"It's not like you didn't try to warn me." Harvey matched the somber smile with one of his own, "You told me before our first date that we were a recipe for heartache."
"Mario's funeral is in a couple of days." Bird changed the subject, "I need to stay here until then, but after that I'm gone, okay?"
He agreed.
Wishing it could be otherwise that he could tell her she didn't have to -but they both knew the truth.
She needed to get away from him as badly as he needed her gone.
It had only been a few days now that she'd been staying with him and they were already getting re-attached to one another.
A magnetic pull.
Drawing them ever closer to a cliff.
"It, uh…" He cleared his throat. Reached a hand up and rubbed the back of his head with a lost laugh, "Why does it feel like we're breaking up all over again?"
"Because." Bird scooted over until she was right beside him. Tucked her legs up under her and held the blanket around her tighter with one hand and grabbed onto his hand with the other, "Healing can be painful too."
Even with all the time that had passed since they broken up there were still pieces of themselves that had been tangled up together.
Just a few days and they were starting to get twisted back up; the endless in a cycle of hurting each other.
Now it felt the strings were coming undone.
Stitches holding them together being ripped out one-by-one.
Sometimes freedom can hurt too.
The way their relationship had ended felt like a distant memory. Another lifetime ago between two people different than they were now.
She still had some of her belongings in the house and even though he'd boxed up most of it and stuck it into storage on the third floor of the house, he hadn't been in a hurry to get rid of it.
Perhaps in some ways they'd really refused to let go of each other. A chapter in a book where the ending hadn't been written in -until now.
Oswald was right, Bird finally accepted, even if she couldn't see it clearly at the beginning…
Jim hurt her and she'd wanted to hurt him back.
No matter the personal cost.
Spiteful and self-destructive, cutting off her own nose to spite her face -only she didn't want to be that person anymore.
She pulled in a deep breath and held onto it -then let it go.
It was time to let a lot of things go.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Some of the burden lifted and where chaos had been buzzing the first bit of stillness started to take root.
She'd sleep that night, she was sure of it. Probably more restful sleep than she'd had in a while.
Then she'd spend the next day going through the house and rip out all traces of herself that she'd left behind.
Leaving no pieces of herself behind this time.
••• Days Later •••
"Breathe in. Breathe out."
Bird said out loud to herself as she sat in her parked car and gripped the steering wheel while trying to follow her own advice.
The back seat had some boxes and bags with her belongings that she'd removed from Harvey's house.
Most of what she'd left behind wasn't even important to her and she had no use for it.
She'd decided to donate what she could and trash most of the rest.
During the dinner they'd shared together the night before, Bird had let Harvey know she wouldn't be there when he got home from work today.
That she was taking everything with her when she left for the funeral and didn't plan on coming back.
But now here she sat in the cemetery that seemed to be filling with more cars by the second and all she wanted to do was go back to Harvey's.
To the last place she managed to feel some peace.
She wasn't naive enough to think that peace would last though.
If she went back, he'd let her in and she knew it.
One argument would turn into another until he lost control and they cycle would never end.
The conversation they'd had had been cathartic for her -for them both.
She'd faced down some hard truths about herself and made plans to change some things.
But that's the thing about plans -they rarely every pan out and before you know it you're running back to what's comfortable, even it's a bad fit.
Old habits die hard and she was trying desperately to hold onto the determination to be less self-destructive; but it was all she knew.
One step a time, she told herself.
One breathe after another.
Step one: get through her half-brother's funeral.
Step two: go see Jim
Step three: talk with Falcone about what would happen next
She hadn't planned beyond that.
Those three events would sure be traumatizing enough for one day.
She'd already attended the funeral service, though she'd stayed towards the back of the church out of sight.
All the while thinking how very macabre it was that they decided to hold the services in the very same church Mario and Lee had been wed in less than a week ago.
Now they were all joining at the cemetery for the burial.
The church had been packed but less than a fourth of the crowd there seemed to make to the cemetery. Which would make it nearly impossible to Bird to blend in with the crowd.
Looks like she might have to face Falcone before she saw Jim.
Reaching over to her purse in the passenger seat, she pulled out her compact mirror and studied her face once last time before putting on her dark shades and getting out.
"Lady Wayne."
The greeting was called to her back, just from a few steps behind.
"Where have you been hiding?" Bird asked Alfred. She'd made it a point to check her surroundings before exiting the car.
"I thought that was you I spotted at the church." Alfred ignored the question, "Ran out so fast I couldn't catch up."
"Then I guess it's age catching up with you?" She half-smiled.
"Ha. Very funny." Alfred answered with a chuckle.
A small since of relief stirred in him.
Maybe she was doing better than he'd feared.
Looking around Bird asked, "No Bruce?"
"He wanted to come." Alfred stepped closer to her. Growing more aware of the eyes on them.
Since the night Mario had been killed, the papers had recent photo's of Carmine Falcone and Lee out and about -but no one had seen Bird.
Now people were starting to catch on that she was making a reappearance.
"I encouraged him to stay home." Alfred offered up.
With the way the siblings had left things, he didn't know how Bird would feel about seeing Bruce on the day of saying goodbye to her half-brother.
"Thank you." Bird said as she looked around them.
"Look-" She sighed pulling her glasses off to get a better look at him. "I know I probably shouldn't have disappeared like I did but-"
Moving in closer, he put an hand on her shoulder and quietly dismissed the notion, "I imagine you've been out there doing what you need to, eh?"
Bird nodded.
"Detective Gordon came by the house the day after Mario's death." Alfred continued, "I know you were there, that you saw him die. Couple that with how close you'd been getting with him. I didn't expect to see you for a while."
Bird had always been the one to retreat into herself.
He'd learned years ago the best you can do when she's been hurt is make yourself available when she's ready to come out if it.
"Did, uh…" She glanced down, opening and closing the arms of the sunglasses as she breathed out, "Did Jim tell you how hard he tried to warn me about Mario being infected with the virus? How I literally locked myself in a bathroom to try and shut him out? How I couldn't see what was right in front of me?"
"No." Alfred's heart sank, "He didn't mention that at all. He seems to be taking all of the blame himself."
There had been a glint of emotion in her eyes but it was fleeting. Gone faster than it showed.
She might have not missed a beat with their conversation, but now he knew his initial relief that she was okay had been premature.
He imagined that she had yet to come to terms with the gain and then the loss of a sibling.
"Come on, now." Alfred gave her a tight embrace of a hug before wrapping an arm around her and pointing out, "The service is starting."
•••
"Jim." Bullock called out to him in a hushed yell,"What the hell are you doing here?"
Barely glancing back at him from where Jim was standing on a hill in the cemetery overlooking the burial taking place below.
He didn't have an answer.
Deep down he knew he shouldn't be there.
Bullock followed Jim's line of sight to where Bird was standing next to Alfred at the side of plot of open earth.
He let out a sigh, slapped a hand on Jim's shoulder and pointed out, "If Falcone sees you… God only knows what he'll do."
"I had to do it, Harv." Jim defended, "Mario was infected. He was going to kill Lee. He was dangerous to anyone and everyone around him. It was a legit kill."
As if saying it out loud again and again might dissolve some of the burden he'd been carrying.
"That's the law." Bullock argued, "But this, Jim. This is family. The man is burying his son today."
Knowing the real reason Jim had staked out the cemetery waiting to see if a certain someone else showed up, Bullock added, "Bird's burying a brother."
"I know."
He swallowed, trying not to choke on his own words.
Bird was there, right there in front of him and all he wanted to do was go to her. Try and explain what happened. He'd searched everywhere he could think of to find her in the days following Mario's death.
But there wasn't a trace of her anywhere.
Not even a single credit card transaction.
The last location that her cellphone had pinged from was a tower near their townhouse. Leading Jim to believe she'd turned her phone off before she fled.
It hadn't occurred to him that in the layout of the city, the house she'd once shared with Harvey Dent wasn't very far away from them.
He'd started to believe maybe Oswald was right and Bird had left the city, though at the time of speaking with him, Jim felt more like he was trying to purposelessly throw him off her trail.
But Oswald seemed genuine enough when he'd told him he hadn't spoken with Bird since the day of the wedding.
"She's right there." Jim's voice wavered. His breath turning to mist in the cold air as he continued to watch Bird from where he stood.
"Yeah, she is, buddy." Bullock slapped his shoulder again, ready to grab onto him if Jim tried to do something as stupid as make his way any closer to the funeral.
Bird hadn't left. She'd been either in Gotham or close-by the entire time.
It hadn't been all that long ago that he and Bird had a discussion where he told her she couldn't just take off anymore and she'd agreed.
Though considering he'd fatally shot her brother, he didn't know if she was still honoring the agreement.
Jim tried to take a step, but Bullock stopped him, "You can't go down there."
"But-" Jim tried to argue.
"Jim." He sighed, "Think about this-"
"I just need…." Jim's voice trailed off.
His mouth turned to cotton and he couldn't seem to form the words on his tongue.
"To what?" Bullock pushed trying to reason with him, "To explain what happened? She knows Mario was infected. Say you're sorry? I'm betting Bird knows that too."
"Come on." Bullock pulled on Jim's shoulder again, "You can't lay that all on her today. That's not fair."
"I know." Jim shook his head, "But what if she disappears again?"
He pointed out how he couldn't find a trace of her before.
"She'll be back." Bullock assured him, "We could always leak some fake story to the news about Bruce Wayne's life being in danger. That brought her back back from the dead once; surely it would bring her back to the city now."
"That's not funny." Jim complained turning to face him. Voice full of disapproval.
"It was a little." Bullock defended. Nodding in the direction away from the funeral in a silent gesture of how they needed to get out of there.
••• Later That Day •••
"Can I help you?"
One of the uniformed officers by the door of the GCPD asked as he hurried to finish up the last few drags from the cigarette he'd stepped outside for.
Bird looked over at him.
She'd been standing outside one of the side entrances to the building for several minutes now trying to gather the strength to go inside.
To see Jim.
When the young uniform got a look at her face he immediately recognized her.
"I'm here to see Jim Gordon."
Bird announced.
"Okay…" The officer looked around them before offering, "Do you want me to go get him for you?"
"No." Bird flatly stated, shaking her head back and forth, "I'll find him myself."
He nodded, blew out a breath of smoke and put the cigarette out on the brick of the building before tossing the butt to the ground and opening the door, nodding for her to go on in.
"I'm not quite ready yet." Bird admitted with a unsteady laugh at how ridiculously hard it was to send the signal from her brain to her legs and get them to move.
"You okay?" He asked her with raised brows, before his eyes widened and he internally face-palmed. Cursing under his breath he said, "Damn, that's right. The funeral was today. Hey, I'm a… I'm sorry for your loss."
Her head cocked.
If she hadn't been frozen in place she might have decked him. She loathed being told that.
Unable to read the look on her face but not feeling right about leaving her standing in a ally by herself when something was clearly wrong he hesitated to go back inside.
Noticing the hesitation, Bird said, "I just need a minute before going in. Hey, do me a favor though. Don't tell anyone you saw me."
Getting the feeling she might not go inside and find Jim after all, he nodded with a smile, "You got it."
He'd only been on the force a few weeks now and the last time he needed was to get wrapped up in any drama.
The minute Bird claimed she needed turned into more than ten until finally she pulled the door open and walked inside.
The entrance was close to the locker room and was supposed to be locked at all times, but with the employees who smoked ducking out for a cigarette whenever they got the chance it usually stayed unlocked.
She'd picked this door for a reason.
She wanted to catch sight of Jim before he saw her. Give herself a quick escape if it turned out she didn't have it in her to face him after all.
She'd just left the hallway and entered the main room of the GCPD when she saw Jim walking with Bullock.
Now or never, she thought.
This would only get harder as more time passed.
"Harvey!" Lee yelled across the station to Bullock.
The room fell into a dead silence.
You could literally hear a pen drop when one of the officers working on some papers was startled and knocked a pen from his desk.
"As acting Captain, I demand you arrest Detective Gordon for the murder of my husband!" Lee didn't care that all eyes were on her.
She was fully aware her make-up was a mess from crying all morning at Mario's funeral and burial.
She knew most of the men there would think she was crazy or acting erratic and being overly emotional.
But she didn't care.
She had every right to both feel and exude every once of rage and grief boiling inside.
She'd lost more in her life than they could fathom and in her eyes she blamed it on one man and why should he get to go about living his life while she endured all the suffering.
"Lee…" Jim stepped forward into the room, his eyes cutting around the crowd who'd stopped what they were doing to watch the show, "Please-"
"Please?" Lee scoffed.
Pulling in a ragged breath she shouted, "Please, what?!"
"You-" She stammered, unable to stand still from the emotions bubbling over inside of her, "You didn't have to kill him!"
"Dr. Thompkins, if I may…" Lucius interjected, "Your husband was infected-"
"Nathaniel Barnes was infected by the same virus and he's alive-" Lee screamed over Lucius' defense until another voice broke in.
"Barnes is infected with the same virus, you're right."
Bird spoke up.
She tried to speak with reason as she walked over to where they were standing.
"And he attacked me, thought he'd killed me and shoved me into the trunk of his car, Lee."
Coming to a stop next to where Jim was standing, she couldn't bring herself to look over at him but she could feel him watching her.
"He tried to kill me." Bird continued, "He was going to kill, Jim. Does that sound anything like the Captain Barnes you knew?"
Lee stared at Bird, tears burning at her already aching red-rimmed eyes.
Her cheeks and nose were red and raw from the endless crying and constant friction with tissues.
"Mario was going to kill you." Bird's voice lowered, "He was infected."
"He didn't have to die!" Lee yelled, unable to contain herself, "Mario didn't have to die!"
"You're looking at it wrong." Bird shook her head, "Mario loved you so much, Lee. He told me that he'd rather die than do anything to hurt you or put in your life in danger. When he had people after him, he used himself as bait to draw them out and away from you to keep you safe."
Tears streamed down Lee's cheeks as she stared at her should be sister-in-law.
Bird's tried to keep her tone steady, but all she could hear inside of her head was the echoes of the scream Lee made when she saw Mario's body, "That… that… thing that Jim killed wasn't your husband, Lee. That wasn't Mario."
"Then why-" Lee stepped closer to her, "Why did Barnes get to be spared and not my husband, not your brother, Bird?"
Bird fell silent.
She didn't have an answer and even if she had one, she didn't have the strength left in her to say anything else.
Her chest felt tight and her knees didn't feel steady.
The day had taken far more of a toll on her than she'd realized.
And just hours ago she'd been so sure she was was fine.
"You don't know?" Lee asked trying to wipe the tears from her face but they were streaming out too fast, "Well, I do."
Turning to look at Jim, Lee coldly said, "Because you're the real virus, Jim. You seep into peoples lives until you destroy them."
Lee took a few steps back, threatening, "You haven't heard the end of this."
"And you-" Lee focused back on Bird, her voice softened as she offered a word of warning, "Get out while you can, before he destroys your life too."
With that she left with one of Falcone's guards who accompanied her right on her heels.
Bird's mind flashed back to the phone calls Barbara used to make in the middle of the night. Both jealously claiming Jim still loved her and also giving Bird the same warning -that it was only a matter of time before he destroyed her too.
"He'll break you, B. Just like he broke me." Barbara's voice echoed through Bird's head, "Don't say I didn't warn you."
The police station was slow in coming back to life after Lee had stormed out.
Slowly, but surely the background noise picked up.
Some employees trying to get back to the cases and conversations they'd been engaged in before Lee took the place by storm.
Others now whispering among themselves about the soap opera drama that just played out.
Bird looked frozen in time.
Still standing in the same spot and staring off in the direction Lee had left in.
Jim turned to face her, afraid to say anything when she had that look about her.
It usually meant she was about to run.
The stillness of her appearance hid the tornado stirring up inside of her.
All of the peace and quiet she'd managed to find in her few days locked away from the rest of the world were gone.
Life and reality was oozing back in and it hurt.
"Bird." Jim finally said.
He reached out for her but stopped himself before making any contact.
Jarred back to reality, she glanced around and just like he'd suspected, she ran.
Literally.
Took off in the direction she'd came from.
Distance, she needed to put lots of it between them again.
She'd made what felt like a fatal miscalculation by coming there; by thinking enough time had passed and she could face Jim.
And thinking she's came out of this mostly unscathed. That it okay and she'd be fine.
She wasn't okay and nothing was fine.
She could hear Jim yell after her, his shows heavy against the floor as he ran after her.
"Bird!" He yelled when they were outside, "Stop! Please..."
Jim sounded every bit as broken as she felt and the sound brought her to a halt.
The air was full of stale smoke and car exhaust and she couldn't breathe.
She didn't dare turn around to face him.
There was a beat of silence.
The sound of a car horn in the distance and sirens mere streets away.
It took a few seconds for the shock to clear that she'd actually stopped running.
He hadn't expected it.
"Please." Jim started, carefully walking towards her. His footsteps as silent as possible in an attempt to not startle her away, "I need you to... you…" He was stammering now, "You have to know that I never intended for any of this to happen."
He moved closer, "The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you."
"But that's exactly what you did!" Bird spun around to face him.
The expression on her face cut through him like a razor blade.
"I know-"
His eyes glistened in the light just before a cloud moved in front of the sun and shaded their direction.
"I'll fix this, remember?" Her tone was raspy. She still felt like she couldn't pull any oxygen in, "That's what you said to me. What you promised me!"
Bird reminded him of the day in the church, just before the wedding. The vow of his own he'd made that day.
"I know." Jim's voice wasn't louder than a whisper, "I remember."
It didn't look like he had any fight left in him.
He'd taken the verbal blows Lee had dealt him without any protest and seemed fully prepared to be ripped apart be her too.
Her mouth hung open as she watched him.
She'd been geared up for a fight.
Ready for him to throw it back in her face that he'd tried to warn her. That if only she'd just listened to him they could have saved Mario before it ever got that far.
But he didn't.
Jim didn't try to lay any of the blame on her and somehow that crushed her worse than if he had.
"I hate him." Bird choked out the tears that had been threatening to spill out for days finally broke free.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she seemed to shrink down on into herself, clutching at her sides and shaking as she fought for a breath.
"I hate him!" She yelled, "I went to see Mario right before the wedding. Begged him to be honest with me and he looked me right in the eyes and told me he wasn't infected. I hate him for lying to me."
She remembered the day Mario had first suggested they make up for lost time and get to know one another, how he'd asked her what she had to lose.
When Bird agreed to it, she'd never imagined it would be him that she'd lose.
"And I…" Her voice was wavering uncontrollably now. Some words a raspy whisper and other so loud they hurt her own ears.
Her entire body trembling from the outburst, "Hate him for ever coming into my life in the first place."
If he hadn't been important to her than she wouldn't be feeling the pain she was in now.
"And I hate myself for believing him and looking at him as my brother and for not believing you that something was wrong with him! I hate all of this! I hate looking at you and seeing the moment that Mario died-" She gasped for air, "And I hate-"
Jim's eyes cut away from her face, bracing for the impact
The storm about to make landfall.
He couldn't breathe.
It was clear what was coming next. What she was about to say to him.
"I hate…" She sobbed, "I hate not being able to hate you."
Jim's eye went back to Bird's face with an equally stunned and broken expression on his own.
I hate you, that was what he'd prepared for. What he'd expected and probably what he deserved.
Maybe it would have made it easier on them both if she did.
He stood there watching her unravel, coming apart from every angle and knowing he was the root cause of it.
Wanting so badly to make it better.
To fix it like he'd promised her would happen.
He took a step forward, knowing it was a bad move but wasn't able to stop himself from trying to go to her aid.
Bird stumbled back from him, nearly tripping over her own feet as she frantically reached up to try and dry her tears and clear her vision.
She thought she'd been ready to see him again. To figure out where they stood and where they'd go from there, but she'd been wrong.
Bird briskly turned headed for the exit of the ally they were standing in.
He fought the urge to go after her, to yell out for to stop again.
He'd done enough damage and his every attempt to to make anything better seemed to do more harm than good.
So, he stood silently and watched her go with a feeling that she'd ripped out what was left of his heart and took it with her.
•••
A/N - Okay Bim shippers, show of hands. Who else is heartbroken right now?!
Lol! No, but seriously. This chapter took a lot out of me and I really hope you all liked it!
Thank you to: Shadow knight1121, ThatMysteriousSlime, SmellYourScentForMiles, Katniess789, Adela, Raging Raven, Havana, LovelyIce, xxXWolfsLullabyXxx, MORELENOREMORE and to the Guests who reviewed the last chapter!
As always the support and feedback this story gets is what keeps me inspired to write and update
So if you're a fan, please let me know!
xx