"Explain it to me."
It was too early for this. Is was too early for anything. La'an felt herself tighten, the knot in her shoulder pulling unpleasantly. The mess hall had been deserted, dense and cavernous under muted lighting. Mercifully quiet. The intrusion stung. She shouldn't have minded, it shouldn't have mattered, but the security review had been eating up time, the combination of early mornings and late nights starting to get to her in a way it never had before. A kind of itchy, raspy uneasiness that left her on edge, wanting something she couldn't quite grasp. That definitely wasn't a round of Una's cryptic questioning, practically spoiling for an argument.
She lifted her eyes from her PADD to watch the chief set down her tray. To seem at least halfway welcoming. "Why?"
"Because I want to understand."
"Since when?"
That should have triggered it, blunt and unforgiving. The start of yet another muted fight. But Una barely flinched, leaning her elbows on the table over her breakfast. She'd been harder to offend, recently. Harder to push away.
"Since always."
It was strange. Unsettling. La'an put her PADD down carefully. Una smiled.
"Not girlfriends." She prompted gently.
Right. "He told you about that." Of course he had. It was a miracle, really, that it had taken Una this long to corner her. "It was ridiculous."
Una shrugged. "It's just a word."
"I'm not fifteen. This isn't space camp."
"Ensign Venner has a girlfriend."
"Venner has an arrangement." Which Una would know, if she ever really looked at anyone. "The label is for HR."
"Ah." Una studied her for a second. "And you still aren't…?"
"No." Why was she telling her this? It was none of her business.
Una shook her head as if she could hear the thought. "I shouldn't be asking that. It's just…"
"What?"
"I'm trying to understand. You and Chapel. What it is. What you want it to be."
What she wanted it to be.
What is was.
Those weren't questions. The silence stretched. La'an watched Una fill it by sipping at her coffee. Steaming still. Too hot. Such a small detail. Suddenly so loud. Searching eyes over the rim of her cup beginning to soften with something uncomfortable and familiar. Something…
"You spend a lot of time together. You arranged for shore leave, when she wasn't well. You even went down there with her. And when we were at Starbase one…"
The list faded, distancing as time blurred. La'an followed her face. The little details she'd never questioned. How many of them were engineered? What would it have been like to look in the mirror one day and see a stranger? To have her stay there?
"You touch her. You let her touch you. I've seen you dancing, you mean that. And I know you sleep together, even if it isn't…"
Would she have mourned it, the old face? Would she have cared? Would it have changed who she was, inside? Who she thought she was? Thought she could be? Did she ever miss it? Wake up still dreaming of it, habit over consciousness, only to catch someone else looking back?
"La'an?" Una had stopped. She set her cup down between them on the table, metal meeting metal with a dull, muted click. La'an watched her expression shift, concern pressing her slowly forward, snapping La'an reflexively back.
"What?"
"I'm just trying to understand. How you feel. What you want."
"No." The world had begun to unfocus, distance drawing in around the edges. How does it make you feel? What that really meant was can you feel at all? "You want to know whether your pet science experiment might be turning into a real girl."
"That's not…"
Of course it was. It always would be. She was La'an Noonien-Singh. Everyone knew she was broken. "Are we done?"
Una shifted backwards, breaking the deadlock. Permission to go. "You aren't on duty."
She wasn't. Not for hours. Her footsteps resonated strangely in the quiet ship, less sound than sensation, everything too sharp. She didn't know where she was going.
Only she did.
It was the fastest way to make it stop.
0 0 0
Nurse Kamau was reading a ream of scrolling data, a dark figure in a haze of sickbay white. The lights were always too bright in here. The surfaces too stark. They glanced up, moving as if to offer assistance, then seemed to think better of it, nodding her through to the lab instead.
The doors hissed. Chapel turned, a moment of clarity amid the wavering focus, smiling, and then imperceptibly not. Perhaps it was because La'an was looking for it, or maybe she just knew her well enough by now to track the way her expression flickered between happiness and concern, calm overlaying affection as she nudged out a chair, ran a hand down La'an's back, drifting under her hair.
"Here, it's cold."
La'an never quite understood why that worked for Chapel. She pressed her palms down onto the cool metal tabletop anyway, finding the chill too distant to help. What did was the hand between her shoulder blades, vivid and whole, a point of sensation like an anchor bringing her home. She sat and listened as the dense cotton silence began to brighten, watching Chapel peer down through the microscope, the tendons in her wrist flexing as she adjusted the instrument's dials, her muttered commentary, the rhythm of her breathing helping the world filter slowly back in.
It never lost its magic, watching her work. There was something about her simple, fluent competence, her intensity of focus, that always felt so totally authentic. Entirely real. Like a neutron star post-supernova, undeniably beautiful. Indescribably alive.
She wouldn't usually be here this early. Chapel really wasn't a morning person, at least not from the daylight end. But M'Benga had been growing increasingly absent lately, his head in a project nobody understood, leaving the rest of them picking up the slack. She'd been pulling double shifts for days, stealing the silent hours for her own research. Right now, La'an was infinitely glad of it.
"What do you have in there?"
"Magic." Chapel grinned down into the optics, the mad scientist spark tempering as she turned to study La'an properly, taking her in, intent but gentle. "Need me to sign you off?"
"No."
"Want to see something interesting?"
When didn't she? La'an stood, letting her eyes adjust until a starburst came into focus, cells fluttering like confetti, sparkling luminescent colour lighting the slide.
"They glow and they change shape."
Of course they did. "Why?"
"Because it's awesome. And, you know, camouflage. But mostly because I wanted them to."
"They're beautiful."
A warm hand ghosted her shoulder, light and gentle. "I can turn someone into a giant slug. Just say the word. Totally reversible."
La'an looked round into sparkling eyes, a smile that said Chapel really might, if she asked her to. "No." It wasn't Una's fault. "It was me. I'm..."
"Perfect. Just like this."
She really meant that, even when it wasn't true. La'an let herself be drawn into a hug. Tried not to remember how much she'd missed this, recently. How quickly her body forgot the scented tickle of bleached hair, the texture of the uniform under her fingers, the weight of another person, so immediate. So alive.
"Hey." Chapel pulled her closer, cheek soft against her temple. "I'll be home tonight. Maia can cover. We can have dinner. You can get some sleep."
"I won't have time."
"You'll feel better. It'll help."
It would, La'an knew that. Or the rational part of her did. The part that wasn't telling her the next enemy might be moments away. That they were still woefully underprepared. That knew that she'd missed this. "21:00."
Chapel sighed, fingers tangling into her hair. "I've got to come up with a better way of getting you to make concessions."
There really wasn't one. There never had been an off switch. Not until now at least. Not until this. La'an leant into the hug, feeling herself loosen as it tightened. If she could just stay here forever… Forget the world. Just stay like this, and never leave.
"I can sign you off. It won't matter."
Only it would. There were drills scheduled all day. They weren't going to run themselves. La'an breathed, then pulled away. "21:00."
"Ok."
Chapel's hands lingered against her arms. La'an could feel them all the way down the hall. The warmth of her smile lighting around every corner, making the shadows wither. Making her feel whole, even where maybe she shouldn't.
Because sometimes, rationality be damned, being loved felt like an actual superpower.
0 0 0
"Lieutenant."
Una stood as soon as La'an entered the bridge. Which meant she'd been waiting. Which meant there'd be no escaping this. La'an set her teeth, keeping her face professional as Una motioned her towards the door. The day had been going so well.
"We should talk, about this morning."
La'an stared at the briefing room floor. Her perfectly polished boots. She'd been vicious. It hadn't been fair. "I'm sorry."
"No." It only took Una three steps before she was wrapping her into a hug so tight it lit up La'an's brain like a floodlight, painfully sharp, stealing her breath. Making her freeze.
"I shouldn't have been asking. None of that matters. You get to do whatever you like. Feel whatever you like. Whenever you're ready. And if I worry, that's my problem, not yours."
La'an recalibrated, managing to find enough air to move, to tighten against the embrace. "Too tight chief."
"Right. Sorry." Una let her go, stepping back a little, out of her space. "I always forget." She motioned La'an over to the chairs. Waited until she sat. "I'm just saying I'm here, if you want me. If you need me. Any time."
La'an stared at her knees, counting her breath. She always wanted Una. Always. It had never stopped. It probably never would. Those same hands that had rescued her so many years ago. That same voice, telling her she was safe. That same face, unageing. Leaving La'an eternally unaged. I never think of you as a child. Of course she didn't. La'an hadn't resembled anything human when they'd found her. She'd lost everything but shreds of a before. She hadn't been a child. She'd been a victim.
"Doctor Sanchez isn't helping."
Una brought her hands together. Fingers interlocking. Keeping herself still. "Have you told him that?"
"No."
"You can. See what he has to say. If you like him, that means he's good. He won't be offended." La'an stared at Una's knuckles, their simulated whorls. The sheen of her nail polish. Always so perfect. So balanced. "He won't give up."
Everyone always did, in the end. It was safer to just… But no. No, it wasn't. Not anymore. She looked up at Una. Her familiar eyes. So steady suddenly. So sure. La'an had pushed her so often. So hard. And she was still here.
"You can do this, La'an. You're not going to fall."
How the hell could she know? Who did she… Stop. La'an refocussed as Una leant forwards.
"You're not going to fall. There are people to catch you, all around."
It was hard to breathe for a second, but Una reached for her hand in a way she never had before. That La'an had never let her.
"I shouldn't have been asking, and I'm sorry I did. This is nobody's business but yours. And so far…" Una smiled, shaking her head. "You really don't need any help."