Castle: The Optimist

Saturday 15 December

After stammering that what he does to stimulate his creativity in his own time is no one's business, Castle assessed Kate's condition. She looked exhausted: worried about Erin, moved by Alexis's apology, and unsteady on her feet.

'Honey, you don't mind, we're just-' he pointed towards the bedroom while the other arm slid around Kate's waist nudging her onwards before he finished speaking.

'I've got unpacking to do,' said Alexis, the speed of reply suggesting she too was relieved to be released from the conversation.

Kate flolloped onto the bed. She dragged his pillows over to her side to fashion a cushy nest so that she looked like she reclined in an Arabian tent; unfortunately for Castle the tired, grimacing-in-discomfort and greasy Kate before him was a poor substitute for the scantily-clad magnificently coiffured Beckett who tormented his imagination.

She exhaled deeply and closed her eyes, rubbing the soft pressure points of her temples.

'What are we going to do about Erin, Rick? Alexis shouldn't tell us how to discipline her but what are we going to do?' Alexis's apology made him swell with pride; he felt vindicated that he had left her alone to come to terms with Beckett, that he had trusted in her natural grace and compassion.

'I never had to do this with Alexis – she ground herself! Is it right that we ground Erin for this?' He disliked the whining edge to his voice. He had felt so certain yesterday that they should also impose a further sanction at home but now doubt crept in. 'The school have already punished her.' He sat down next to her, propped up against the bed head and entwined his hands behind his skull; the movement created a wave in the mattress that rippled beneath her. The luxurious bed was as lavish and plush as possible, he spared no expense, but it wasn't designed for wearing day clothes: his belt dug into his waist.

She craned her neck to reveal her sad large eyes. 'I wish I could ask my mom.' Before the accident, even as he had been wrangling with his own paternal insecurity, it had been thrilling to witness Beckett subtly cultivate her maternal self-belief. As with everything else in her professional life (unlike the Achilles heel of her mother's murder, her relationships, and when she's injured, he thought dryly), she had handled the kitten drama and Erin's first period with calm authority. Worrying about her physical wellbeing had perhaps blinded him to her loss in confidence this past week. She had appeared surprised rather than hurt by Erin's distance, her stoicism tied up in her denial of the severity of her injury, he supposed.

'You could ask your dad?'

Listlessly, she turned her gaze back to the ceiling. 'I know what he would say: "Follow your heart, Katie, you'll know what's right." But my heart doesn't want to punish her at all, yet I know that letting her just continue to be rude to us, to me,' she clarified, 'doesn't feel right either.' Yesterday, when arguing (against his natural instincts) that they needed to be stricter with her at home, Beckett had fought tooth and nail that they keep everything as it had been.

She was extremely shaken when she returned from visiting Erin's storage facility, but they had not had a chance to discuss it. He was convinced that her determination that they don't become sterner with Erin was due to what she had discovered. To add insult to injury, he had tried to insist that he accompany her, that she was nowhere near well enough for a trip outside, but she had been determined, and he knew from experience that it is nigh on impossible to halt a determined Beckett. As a result, she was even more tired than a few days ago. Quite how she had managed to be cogent enough to discuss possible adoption with him last night astonished him. He didn't doubt her – a niggling voice tried to undermine him, to suggest she was not in her right mind, but better than that she had been without walls, her joy at his suggestion clear as day.

Acknowledging that Erin's behaviour needed to be addressed was a significant key change. He dropped his hands to his lap, relaxing a little into the mattress.

'I don't like seeing her be rude to you. It invokes some kind of primal alpha response in me to protect you.' She shifted over on to her side. He restrained his alpha instincts and let her find a comfortable position on her own.

'You like to protect me, Castle?' she teased with a seductive smile uncomfortably at odds with the bags under her eyes and the pallor of her sandpapery skin.

She was joking with him, winding him up, thereby instantly minimising everything: her injury and what to do about Erin. She was a master at using both humour and her sexuality, his Achilles heel, to redirect him but, no, he wouldn't let her have that power over him now. He would need to tread carefully because Beckett at full strength would never walk away from a problem so quickly. Control-freak Beckett detested not having answers, but she could be a dog with a bone, it's what makes her such a good detective, but she was currently too weak.

'Beckett, did you hear what I said in there about your injury? You deflected the conversation away from that. No walls, remember?'

He was determined not to laugh as she pouted in frustration. She chewed her inner cheek for some time. 'Okay, yes, maybe I did hit my head pretty hard,' she conceded. 'But can you understand how much I am hating this? That not only do I hate being injured, but people are also looking at me while I am vulnerable, and my daughter is freaking out about it. And she won't let me near her to help her!'

Furthermore, he knew that she detested that he thought she was adorable, but he couldn't help it, it's all he could see when she let down her guard.

'Not hiding behind those walls is new for you, huh?'

He slid down to mirror her spoon-shaped pose. He reached for one of the pillows and tugged hard. She scrunched up her face playfully as she tried to retain the pillow, but he won the tussle. He tucked his hands in a prayer position against one ear and the pillow, then pulled his knees up so that they grazed hers.

'If I know you, Beckett, you would have done exactly the same thing.'

She tried to hide a smile. 'Hit that girl? Probably true.'

'I think Alexis is right, 'said Castle. 'We are making so many assumptions about her behaviour.'

Beckett's sigh seemed to come from the depths of the cast on her foot. 'I don't want to frighten her away. Things were going so well, she seemed to be starting to trust me and then like that it was gone. I guess I'm afraid she'll retreat even further if I try to talk to her or if I push too hard by telling her off.'

'But listen to what Alexis said. Erin loves you and she defends you, but she doesn't seem to know how to tell you that.' Acting in a confusing way leaving everyone around them lost for answers, not communicating the obvious? Hhm, he had never seen that before, he thought, maintaining a poker face.

A pain crossed Kate's face.

'Are you okay, is it your head?'

'No, it's just…what I saw in the storage. Remember I said that she had a life before, I always knew that, but I've seen it now. They were a united, happy family. She might love me but what if I never live up to the parents that they were? That everything now is just second best, that she'll always miss them, that she'll wish she had never met me because they'd still be alive?' He opened his mouth to answer but she sped on. 'She told me Niamh would never have let her ride on a motorcycle. I was going to do that. I thought it would be fun for us to do together. She's 12! What was I thinking?'

Rambling nervous Kate always took him by surprise. Having been kept at arm's length for so long, that she could let her insecurities pour out of her reinforced just how much she now trusted him and how far they had come over four years. At least she was holding back any tears; he wanted to be constructive and if she cried now all he would be able to do is comfort her and end the much-needed conversation.

'It's okay, Kate.' He clenched his hands, desperate to touch and soothe, into a fist beneath the pillow like holding back a greyhound dog at the gates. 'You don't have to compare yourself, or us, with them. Of course, it's hard but it's not what Erin is going to do.'

'You can't know that.'

'Oh, I can know that. And you know why? Because I've compared you to every other woman I've ever met, and they all come up short.' And with a sardonic arch of her brow there she was: Beckett back in the room. He held her steely glare. One of them had to crack first. Of course, it would be him.

'Okay, that was too cheesy, but you get my point.' She shook her head in disdain but the twinkle in her eye had lit up.

'Look, Beckett, it's not all on you and you don't have to have all the answers. We will do our best and we'll make our own rulebook, which isn't going to be the same as the McDonnels's. Different is neither better nor worse. We're doing this together, right? I'm going to be her father?'

He was going to be her father. His heart hammered with the surprise of how right that felt coupled with a sudden fear: what if Erin didn't want him to be? He pushed the frightening feeling away.

'Let me talk to Erin; we agree no further punishment needed but she can't keep being rude?' Kate nodded. 'Maybe, right now, you're just not the right parent to talk to her?' He saw the control-freak in her tense. 'I see a little girl who's utterly confused, loves you, doesn't want to upset you and, as Alexis said, is afraid of being punished and just doesn't know where she stands. You're like two jackals circling each other, sussing each other out. You're so worried about being the perfect mother, it hasn't occurred to you that she's worrying about being the perfect daughter.'

In silence she weighed up his words then gestured her agreement by threading her fingers through his hidden hands. Her eyes drooped; she had reached her limit.

'You need to rest; do you accept that?' he said sternly.

Reluctantly she nodded. It was enough of an acknowledgement; it would be unreasonable to expect her to vocalise her levels of discomfort. She snuggled further into the cushions and let him cover her with a thick fleece blanket.

xxx

With the females in their respective rooms, he was alone in the main room. Now dark, the Christmas tree lights reflected in the windows, decorating the Manhattan skyline. Without turning on the rest of the lights he retrieved the tiny elf hats, muttering to himself that as no one had ever caught him role-playing scenes with Alexis's teddy bear collection, so there was no reason anyone needed to know that kittens make excellent elves. They really didn't need to know how cute they were lined up in the hats. He wasn't embarrassed about it, but his daughter and girlfriend had teamed up to mock him and given his initial fear and disgust, he knew they would be merciless if he didn't shut them down.

As he placed them in a drawer in the office, he pondered how large a drone the loft could accommodate and how to attach a kitten safely.

When he returned, there stood Erin, like a restless ghost floating in the low golden circle of the tree lights, twisting her hands and shuffling her feet as if afraid to take a further step.

'Erin, hi.' Imagining himself to be a British eighteenth-century leerie, he turned on the fake fireplace and the many lamps.

'Where's Kate and Alexis?' she asked eventually, her voice raspy and nervous.

'Kate's resting, it's just you and me. Are you hungry?' he asked, his hands on his hips.

Erin shook her head and twisted a thick strand of hair round and round a forefinger then brushed her cheek with the ends. He squinted, unconvinced that she was telling the truth. He had learnt that Erin would often appear after long stretches when hunger beckoned but rarely would she say that she is hungry. With no one else around, however, this was an opportunity to talk to her, so he didn't press the matter. He sidled to the other side of the tree so that she was partially hidden by the needles.

'Kate and I have been talking and we agreed that you've been punished enough by the school for what happened.' He was relieved to see Erin's shoulders drop down from her ears to a more natural position. 'Alexis told us how you were provoked and while we of course don't condone violence we do understand that must have been horrible to hear, and I'm sorry you heard that.' Erin dropped the thick strand and tucked hair behind both ears tightly. 'Alexis didn't want to tell us because she didn't want to betray your confidence, but she felt she had to. I'm glad she did.'

'I'm sorry too,' she rushed, hugging her arms across her waist as she stepped closer into his view. 'I…that's not me…it's not…please don't think…'

'Oh, we know, Erin. Let's draw a line under it, yes? I can talk to the head teacher about the circumstances but as far as Kate and I are concerned the matter is closed and dealt with,' he said flat-crossing his hands decisively.

He didn't want to put his foot in it further for Alexis but said: 'You don't need to worry about being punished by us, if that's on your mind?'

Erin nodded, relaxing her arms from her waist.

On cue to relieve them, as if Erin were the Pied Piper, four groggy-eyed kittens tripped down the stairs, stretching their short limbs. They wound themselves around her feet. Laughing, they each picked up two and carried them to the couch where as soon as they sat down the kittens snuggled into them.

Over the last week the couch from which he had felt excluded by Kate and Erin the previous week had been empty except for when Kate had lain there alone. Now Erin sat cross-legged with her two kittens curled in her lap like the yin and yang sign and stretched over to stroke the two who waited impatiently for him to settle into a position that they would find comfortable.

His legs wouldn't flex as easily as hers, so he faced her with one arm slung over the back and crossed one leg over the other to mirror her as closely as possible. Without hesitating, the kittens kneaded his thighs; they were going to need their claws trimming sooner rather than later, he thought, as he tried to suppress a grimace.

He had promised Kate that he would talk to Erin about her behaviour. Judging her to be calmer and receptive, he took advantage and, keeping his voice light, he dived in.

'Erin, I have to ask. I don't get it. Before the accident you seemed to be getting closer with Kate but since then you've been really rude and surly with her, why?'

The way she tensed was the spitting image of her mother when she felt awkward.

He twisted his neck to look down at the kittens, to make his probing seem more casual than it was. 'She thinks it's because you're upset by her accident and you're acting out but it's not just that, is it?' One tortoiseshell kitten lifted her chin so high for him to stroke under it he thought its neck might break.

In the periphery of his vision, Erin crossed her arms and the worried, eager look morphed into a stone cold one. She was angry, he realised. No, she was furious. It seemed so obvious now. He had to be more attentive. Alexis had always had his undivided attention. Splitting himself between Kate and Erin was a new skill he was going to have to improve. Though, really, why couldn't people just tell him what they were thinking and feeling? It was exhausting having to constantly interpret.

'It's her fault it happened!' Erin erupted, flinging her arms akimbo, the kittens perking up their ears and heads to attention. 'And she acts like it's nothing: she laughs at you for making a fuss and she acts like she wasn't hurt that badly. She could have died but she didn't have to be there! It didn't have to happen!'

He dropped his jaw, stunned. Oh, they had both not seen this one: she was angry that Kate was a cop and, in her mind, had unnecessarily put herself in harm's way. How could he have missed it? It was his own, his daughter's and her father's fear; but he understood the fear, this he could share with her. He was right, it was he not Beckett that needed to have this conversation. He had the capacity to remain calm whereas he knew Kate would be internally fighting her own emotional volcano.

'Okay, let's talk this through,' he said tapping a finger to his lips sagely as he rested the elbow on the opposite hand. 'Her own mother died because of her investigations as a lawyer; she knows what it's like to lose a parent because of the work they do.'

'But she doesn't even have to work, right? You're super rich!' She stretched her palms wide as if her conclusion could not be more obvious.

'Of course, I have thought about that but then who would she be? Not the person I fell in love with.' Erin seemed to relent a little dropping her hands to her knees. 'I've had the privilege of watching her work for years and let me tell you, she is the best at what she does. It's her courage, her passion, her conviction that being a cop is necessary and right. I wouldn't want her to stop, frightened as I often am for her. Containing someone isn't a good expression of love, Erin; standing by them is.'

Erin frowned and a muscle in her jaw line popped.

'But what about us? What about her standing by us? She could do something else, couldn't she, that was still doing good things but not as dangerous?' she urgently pleaded, the anger turned to the desperation of someone who knows the truth but doesn't want to accept it.

'And she could come home and choke on a grape. She does everything in her power to keep herself safe at work. What happened was an accident.'

It dawned on him that this may have been Beckett's own rationale, she was just too doped up and in pain and concussed to articulate it. He had fixated on how she had been the target of a gun, again, but this time she hadn't been hit by a bullet. She had caught a heel in a grate. She had been wearing a bullet proof vest.

The lava had stopped flowing and Erin leaned a shoulder into the leather. He could never imagine saying what he was about to say to another child, but Erin had already witnessed so much that she needed his understanding.

'It's our tragedy as human beings that we have to suffer the knowledge of the risk of living. You know that more than most the way you lost your parents. That is a harsh truth to live with. Kate does know this and desperately wants to make everything better for you and she knows that she can't.' He left the words to hang in the air.

Her reaction was hidden as she stretched out of her position, carefully lifting the compliant kittens up and then back onto her lap and leaned back against the couch. Whether she was aware of it or not, she was now several inches closer to him.

They sat in silence staring at the fire. When Castle stretched his legs and crossed one foot over the other he noticed Erin do the same shortly after.

'I get what you're saying, Rick, but her being a cop still doesn't make sense to me,' she sighed, eventually.

'She loves us, Erin. With everything she has.' He knew without a doubt that it was true for Erin, and he was elated to realise he believed it was true for him too. 'Johanna's death happened because she was pursuing justice, but I have never ever heard Beckett say she wishes her mother had backed down even though the grief over her murder almost destroyed her.'

He pulled himself further upright, spurred on as the excitement of analysis, like unravelling a particularly tricky plot point, took hold of him. 'So, you would think of course she wouldn't do the same to her own children, that's the logical thing. But she learnt something else from her mother: to follow her sense of right and wrong. Because when bad people do bad things, they are the ones responsible. Not the crusaders out there trying to protect us from them. She is protecting us.' He turned fully towards her finding her hopeful gaze trained on him. 'And we look after her when she comes home a little bit battered. It's not easy to accept, Erin, I know that. But know that she loves you so very, very much.'

Clearly uncomfortable by what he had said, she quickly answered in a very different voice, simultaneously innocent and curious. 'What about if you two ever get married and have babies? Wouldn't you want her to stop being a cop then?'

'Then I would know from how she is with you that she'll be the best mother I could ever want for our children.' When she rolled her eyes, he wondered if it was genetic or if she had learned the move from Kate since her arrival.

As they sat in comfortable silence, stroking the kittens and digesting the conversation, he wanted to tell her that he would like her to be his child too.

It was Kate, however, who deserved to be the one to break the news of the adoption. Moreover, Erin needed to hear it from her first. Kate is already her biological mother; adoption is only a legal formality albeit one that affirms Kate's commitment. Erin had already chosen her the day they met.

For him it was different. Erin has to have the right to say no, and it was now clearer that Erin wasn't very good at admitting the truth of her feelings if she thought they would hurt or cause offence. He must allow her the opportunity to tell Kate what she thinks about him first. But right now, it was enough that she was opening up to him; admitting the cause of her anger towards Kate was an act of trust. Although Erin hadn't apologised nor promised not to be rude, he felt the job to be done. He understood her suffering and, as he had always wanted for Alexis, he wished he could promise he could make the world safe for her.

Speaking into the room he said: 'We're a bunch of strays and waifs: me, Beckett, and Alexis. We've all had just one parent care for us for all or part of our lives. Whilst we can't know what it's been like for you, we can share some of the pain. We know what it's like to create our own family and how to find joy in the darkness. We want you to be part of this family. I'm an eternal optimist, I always believe things will get better.'