Episode: The One With the Kips (5x05)

"Hi." Ross said, woefully.

"Hi." Rachel coughed to clear her voice, feigned disdain evident in her voice. "What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?"

Ross ignored her tone, eager to discuss their issue. "I talked to Monica".

Rachel instantly knew that her best friend had certainly revealed to her brother how abandoned she truly felt.

"Look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back."

"Oh, Ross…" she made an attempt to interrupt him, knowing that Ross would do anything to make her feel better, but he was seeing things the wrong way.

"No, no, it's okay. Really. There are plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at…Burger King."

Rachel looked at him hard, her arms still crossed and a determinate expression on her face.

"So is…is that better?" he asked her, hoping that this would solve their previous argument.

Rachel smiled sadly, "No, it's not better." She stated, her voice draped to little more than a whisper as she went on. "I still don't get to see you."

Ross knew exactly what she meant; because that was the way he had been feeling since he had accepted Emily's ridiculous condition to come back to New York.

"Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do?" he inquired tenderly, but hoping to receive a real advice as an answer.

Rachel thought about it for a couple of seconds, and then she sighed. "Well." She wanted to say something reasonable, but all she could think about was, "For starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!"

Ross's miserable expression turned into a tentative smile as he chuckled somberly for her joke.

Rachel giggled softly, happy that she had managed to ease the tension.

It was Ross's turn to whisper, "I can't believe this is happening."

Rachel didn't know what to say, so she replied with a laconic, "I know."

"I am so sorry." Ross looked sincerely unhappy, and Rachel knew that he really meant to apologize for what was happening.

"I know that too." She reassured him, her eyes softening.

Rachel knew that words were not enough, so she took his right hand in hers, squeezing it tightly. Ross's eyes flickered at their clasping hands, then he focused back to her face.

They both didn't hear Joey entering, Rachel almost didn't see him approaching.

They were enveloped in their own little bubble, in which they could feel safe together, maybe for the last time.

Joey knew that he was probably being intrusive, so he cleared his throat to get their attention, "Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but uhm, Phoebe said you wanna talk to me about a trip or something."

Ross was confused at least as much as Joey, so he looked at Rachel, who nodded in comprehension, suddenly remembering her former surreal chat with Phoebe.

"Well, it was…It was nothing, Joey, really." Rachel explained, making a mental note to talk to Phoebe about this.

"Oh…ok…" Joey stated quietly. Then he realized that Ross and Rachel probably needed some time alone, so he excused himself. "Sorry for the interruption, uhm…See ya later upstairs."

"Ok." Rachel murmured.

"Thanks, Joe." Ross watched his friend as he discretely walked away.

After he was sure that Joey was gone, he turned his attention back to Rachel.

"So…we are good?" he asked her.

Rachel smiled as much as the circumstance allowed her. "Yeah. For what it's worth, we are okay. I just need to…" she sighed. "…come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to see you ever again, once Emily comes."

When he heard Rachel saying this, Ross realized that he wasn't ready to accept the truth yet, "Well…maybe her request isn't that restrictive, you know? After all –"

"Ross." Rachel interjected him. "You promised her that we won't see each other anymore. I don't think there's a way to elude her request, as you call it."

Ross felt defeated, again, "But…she won't be able to know where I am all the time…"

Rachel thought about this prospect.

Appealing.

She was already picturing moments of euphoria, like secret encounters, dinners spent in hiding in some restaurant of the Village. They would be pleased just to be with each other; they would laugh of good old times…

Then she shook her head; she knew that such an intent was impossible to carry on.

"No, Ross. This is a big deal; you can't ignore it. It would mean the end of your marriage, and the last thing I want is to be the cause of your second divorce."

"If my marriage ends, it will be because this idiot said another woman's name at the altar." Ross stated bluntly.

Rachel flashed an amused grin at him, "Yeah…" she sighed. "Ross, the truth is that we must accept this thing. When Emily comes...well, you know…it's over."

Ross had a terrible epiphany as he finally internalized what Rachel was saying.

Rachel would disappear from his life. Forever. This was getting real.

"Rach…how can we deal with this?" The situation was driving Ross mad. "How can I see the guys without meeting you? I mean, I'm going to visit my sister and start knocking? And what about you? You will run to your bedroom as if you were grounded, pretending not to be there?"

Rachel shook her head, "I don't know, Ross. I don't know what we are going to do. Maybe the guys will come visit you."

Ross scoffed, knowing that the gang preferred spending their spare time at Monica's or here at the coffeehouse.

"Things won't be easy, will they?" he wondered. "You were right; my life will change drastically. I also have this terrible feeling that I will get here less and less often. Gunther won't even remember my name."

Rachel chuckled sadly, fearing that Ross might be right.

"But Rach…it's not the guys, or Monica, or this place…what really scares me is not being able to be with you."

Rachel stared at him wretchedly, "Why?" she asked hesitantly.

"Well…because…I love you, I mean…" Ross sighed, trying to express with words what he was feeling. "You are one of my best friends. I can't imagine my life without you."

Rachel realized that she had already witnessed Ross saying something like that.

He had just used the same words that a very devastated boyfriend had confessed one night of a few years before, begging her to forgive him for his terrible mistake.

It felt like a pang in her chest.

Back then, even if their relationship was over, Ross and Rachel were still in each other's lives. The love was still there, hidden behind a mask of rage.

Rachel had never feared to lose Ross, however complicated and toxic their relationship was.

Even if those were the same words, this was a completely different situation; she was pervaded by the awful necessity to accept that they would indeed lose each other.

Rachel shook her head; tears began to trail silently down the sides of her face as Ross stared forlornly at her.

"What?" Ross questioned her.

"You can't say these things and…" she sobbed.

"Why not?" he asked with concern.

"Because…it's not been that long since I was sitting on this couch, admitting that I was still in love with you!" she said sternly, between the tears. "And I'm trying, God, I'm trying hard to forget that moment, Ross!"

He was bothered, too. "Well, and I'm trying to forget that you ever told me, Rach, because this makes things damn harder!"

Rachel wiped away the tears, scoffing.

"It's hard living in the know, Rach!" he grumped.

"Oh, yeah? Is it hard for YOU?" she glared at him.

Ross sighed, remembering the fight they had the previous day. He didn't want to argue with Rachel again.

"I keep wondering why in hell did I tell you. Looking back, I should have kept my mouth shut, Monica was right."

Ross calmed down, "No, Rach…" he said, with a softer tone. "You did the right thing."

She looked warily at him.

"I know we never talked about it, but…I'm really glad you told me. That…that would have been a heavy burden, too much to take, even for a strong person like you."

Rachel nodded, thinking of how she was feeling before confessing the truth to Ross.

"By the way…the conversation we had put a slightly different color on your trip to London. I kept wondering why you came; now I know."

"What do you mean?" she asked cautiously.

"Don't play dumb on me, Rach. You told me that you were still in love with me. That's why you came to London. You wanted to tell me, didn't you?"

Rachel was caught off guard; she had never wanted Ross to know the real purpose of her appearance at his wedding. But then, when it came to their crazy relationship, everything she ever did had an ulterior motive. She just hoped this topic would never come up.

Ross smiled slyly at her, "You thought I would never figure it out?"

"Maybe I just hoped." She quipped, provoking a little chuckle from Ross's part.

She sighed. "I wanted to tell you, Ross, even if everybody suggested not to. If Phoebe hadn't been that pregnant, she would have run after me to prevent me from leaving."

Ross let her talk, smiling as he pictured the image of Phoebe and her huge belly chasing Rachel.

"Nobody wanted me to tell you, but I couldn't let you get married without knowing."

Ross had at least a hundred questions ready for her, but he began with the most obvious, asking bluntly, "Why?"

"I don't know…maybe I was expecting a miracle. I hoped that you still felt something for me, that you would…choose me."

Ross gazed at her in shock.

"Yeah…I reckon I probably wished that you would leave Emily at the altar, like I did with Barry."

"When you ran, you had no alternative." He stated pointedly.

"I know." She admitted. "But as soon as I realized that I didn't love him, I found the courage to run and avoid ruining my life. Just in time. Maybe I thought that you would do the same." Rachel scoffed. "Clearly, I was hoping for the impossible."

Ross pondered his friend words almost solemnly. He recalled Rachel's flight from her wedding. The same day she had come back into his life, appearing in that very place, dressed up as the cutest bride he'd ever seen.

Then he thought about the second he had seen Emily walking down the aisle. He tried to remember the exact feelings he had experienced.

And then it came back to him.

While Emily was moving towards him, he was picturing another woman in his mind. There were images of another bride, memories of a September day of a few years ago.

Memories of Rachel returning into his life with nothing with her but that wedding gown.

That was the reason why he had said the wrong name.

It hadn't been a simple lapse.

He had said Rachel's name because he was thinking about her.

It wasn't true what he'd been claiming since then, that it didn't mean anything.

And even if he wanted to, he knew that he couldn't confess this, not now.

He still cared for Rachel. Maybe his feelings were as deep as before.

But he had made a commitment to Emily; he probably loved her, in some way, even if he wasn't sure anymore. And she had been making lots of compromises. She had wanted to move to New York since the beginning, and how was he repaying her? By saying the wrong name at the altar? What kind of man was he?

He owed it to Emily, he needed to give their marriage a shot.

What he had told Rachel before was true, he had to make this marriage work, if he didn't want to get divorced the second time before his 30s.

As much as he disliked the idea of losing Rachel.

And now he couldn't help think about what would have happened, had she told him the truth back in London.

"Do you regret not telling me before the wedding?"

Rachel shook her head vigorously, "No, Ross…if I could turn back time, I probably wouldn't get to London at all. If I hadn't taken that stupid flight, all of this wouldn't have happened and now we shouldn't have to say goodbye."

Ross soothed her, "Don't blame yourself for that, Rach. It's only my fault, I made a stupid mistake, we've been over this. But I keep wondering…"

"What?" she asked cautiously.

Ross looked at her guiltily, "If you had told me…What would have I done?"

Rachel ran her hands through her long hair, trying to ignore the fact that Ross, just like her, was asking himself the very same question that she had been tormented by since getting back from London.

"I guess I'll never stop wondering for the rest of my life." Ross commented, mostly to himself than to Rachel.

Rachel couldn't stand it anymore, "I think you really should, Ross. At least in twenty days from now. Because when Emily arrives, you won't be allowed to have doubts anymore. The only thing you'll have to remember is that she is your wife. That's the only truth you must stick to, from now on."

Ross nodded, well conscious of the fact that Rachel was right.

Even if she was trying to hold her tears, Rachel looked better than she actually felt.

Before this afternoon, she could hate herself for being so stupid to decide to fly to London even if Ross was getting married. But now, the whole situation had gotten even worse.

Rachel still knew how to read Ross's expressions, every little gestures, even his sighs and silences.

And after this conversation, she had just found out that he probably still had feelings for her. But they had reached the point of no return. There was no going back, now.

At this realization, she felt crushed.

She kept talking, mostly to convince herself. "And besides…which person would spoil the most important day of her best friend's life?"

Ross felt a lump in his throat as soon as he heard those words, "Yeah? I am, still? In spite of what happened between us?"

Rachel smiled sadly at him, "Of course, you are. You'll always be. Well, a very different friend than Joey and Chandler, you know, I never slept with them."

Ross tried to chuckle at her attempt of a joke.

"A friend I always quarrel with like cats and dogs. A friend with whom I'll always argue whether we were on a break."

Ross's laugh at this came out more nervous than he had thought. He couldn't believe how futile that whole break issue had just got.

Rachel kept listing her thoughts, grabbing Ross's hand in hers. "A friend with whom I share the most beautiful memories of when we were more than friends. Because that was the best year of my life…"

Rachel's tears started streaming on her face like a flood, and Ross squeezed her hand tight, not knowing what to do or say. He felt a teardrop trailing silently down the side of his face as he watched Rachel sobbing in front of himself.

"Rach…" his lip quivered.

He'd never wanted to hurt her, not then, not now.

"At least for the next 20 days." She managed to say, her voice broken for all that crying.

She let go of Ross's hand and she stood up, running away from the only man she'd ever truly loved.

Ross didn't move, he just felt her fingers slipping away from his tight held.

"Rachel…" he wanted to yell, but his voice was just a whisper, he was too shaken.

Rachel walked home with her vision blurry with tears, knowing that Monica would be there and she could let herself go with her best friend.

Ross collapsed on the orange couch, wiping away the tears he had been crying.

After the horrible break up with Rachel, he had promised to himself that he would never cry again for any other woman.

But this wasn't any other woman.

This was still Rachel.

And in 20 days, he would lose her.

For the first time in his life, Ross was unaware of what the future would have in store for him. What he did know was that, whatever was on his way, he wasn't sure he would like it.

Yes, he would try and give a chance to his marriage.

But this meant that he was going to lose the best thing that had ever happened to him.

I am obsessed with what caused Ross to say Rachel's name at the altar.

You'll find this kind of insights in many of my fan fictions.

Hope you enjoyed reading, I really felt for them while writing this :(