Rory

Rory had been sitting on the steps of the front porch, lost in thought, when her mother pulled up. The headlights of Lorelai's jeep illuminated the front of the house and Rory felt a mix of anxiety and relief wash over her. Part of her was worried about what Lorelai had to say about Rory's absence, but another part of her was glad to finally get this over with.

The beams from the headlights were blinding, lighting her up in the darkness of the night, and putting her actions on display. It forced her to confront the weight of that she had done.

Rory let her mom down.

Lorelai shut the car and got out, walking up to meet her. Rory stood up, eager to apologize for missing the graduation ceremony and for not calling, and as Lorelai approached, Rory could see the look on her mother's face.

Rory wasn't sure what Lorelai was thinking exactly, but she could tell that her mom was concerned. If Rory was looking at it from the other side, it wouldn't make any sense either. Rory missed the ceremony, didn't call, didn't let her mom know, and was now back home wrapped in a jacket that her mom had never seen before, and one that was clearly too big for her. Not to mention, Rory was sure her eyes were red from tears so, Lorelai would be able to tell that she'd been crying.

It was unlike Rory to miss something so important to Lorelai, they were, after all, best friends first and then mother and daughter. So, something major had to have happened. Something so enormous that it would blot out the sun.

"I'm so, so sorry," The words tumbled out of her mouth in a rush.

And as Lorelai walked towards the porch, her disappointment and anger was palpable.

"You're okay, right?" Lorelai asked. Her voice was tight and her words were measured as she tried to ascertain what had happened, but Rory could hear the underlying notes of worry and hurt in her mother's words.

"Yes," Rory answered softly.

"Everything's working? Your wrist is okay, nothing new is broken?" Lorelai continued.

"I'm fine," Rory said, knowing that her physical health was the least of concern. Mental health and stability, maybe, but not physical. So, no damage there.

"Anyone you know, like Lane or someone, suddenly get sick today or break an arm themselves or get in a car wreck?" Lorelai's tone turned sharp and, when coupled with the reference to the recent car accident involving Jess, it felt like a stab to Rory's heart.

Why was it his fault? It was an accident. Why did Lorelai hate him so much? And, god, what was her mom going to say when Rory told her that she went to visit Jess in New York?

Rory shook her head, "No."

"Okay, good," Lorelai came to a stop in front of Rory, looking up at her from the bottom of the steps with disappointment in her eyes. "Then I can get past worry and move onto other things."

"I know you're hurt," Rory started, only to be cut off by Lorelai.

"Yeah, you bet I'm hurt," Lorelai interrupted, "Rory, I really wanted you there today, more than anything. You're why I did this stupid thing in the first place."

Out of all the people in the world, Lorelai wanted Rory to be at her graduation ceremony, and Rory was devastated that she couldn't be there to support her. It was a monumental day for both of them, and Rory's absence felt like a shadow over the celebration that they should have been having.

"I know," Rory said, looking down at her feet, her heart heavy.

"It was a once in a lifetime thing. You should've been there. My best friend should've been there. Whatever it was that kept you, you should've gotten out of it, at least this once," Lorelai pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath before asking, "Was it school?"

"It wasn't school," Her voice was barely audible in the night air and her eyes fixated on the ground.

"Was it Paris?" Her mom pressed.

"It wasn't Paris."

"Well, what was it?" Lorelai's tone became more insistent, "Well, Rory, where were you? What happened?"

"I cut school!" Rory yelled suddenly, her heart racing and her breath coming out in a hyperventilation.

"You what?"

And Rory couldn't hold it in anymore. The words cascaded out of her like a waterfall, tumbling and spilling over with emotion. The guilt that had been bubbling inside of her finally exploded in a rush of confessions. And all Lorelai could do was listen with surprise and concern as her normally poised daughter launched into a verbal mess.

"I cut school and I got on a bus and I don't even know why I did it," Rory felt like a stranger in her own body, as if a moment of temporary insanity had taken hold. "I… I have no excuse. I was just standing outside of Chilton, and I don't know, I must have had a stroke or something. What does a stroke feel like?"

"I don't know," Lorelai said, "not good, probably."

But Rory continued as if Lorelai hadn't responded.

"And I left school and I got on a bus and I went to New York," As she spoke, she felt the weight of her actions settle onto her like a leaden cloak. The words sounding foreign and reckless even to her own ears. It was so out of Rory's character, and Rory knew she had messed up.

Lorelai had every right to punish her for something so stupid, and on some level, dangerous. She had been so impulsive, so irresponsible, and now she had to face the consequences.

"And that's it! I'm grounded for six months, or seven, and no TV, no stereo, no reading. In fact, take all of my books away from me and lock them up."

"Hold on here, you went to New York?" Lorelai tried to interrupt her daughter's self-flagellation, but Rory was in full steam, pacing back and forth on the porch.

"And no magazines, either. And I'm going to do all of the housework. Laundry, dishes… in fact, we're going to start eating at home so that we have dishes."

"Rory!" Finally, Lorelai managed to get a word in edgewise, calling out Rory's name with a shout and finally stepping onto the porch. The sound of her mother's voice brought Rory back to reality, and she took a deep breath.

"What?" She asked, looking up with wide, confused eyes.

"Why did you go to New York?"

Rory's fingers fiddled with the cuffs of the denim jacket she was still wearing, a physical reminder of her reason for going. It was like Jess's presence was there with her, and it calmed her as she remembered why she went, and what happened when she did.

Because in truth, the reason she went there was: "To see Jess."

Lorelai's eyes widened in shock. "Boy, do you know how to bury the lead," she said, stunned by the revelation.

"I don't know what happened," Rory's her heart raced and her thoughts were a jumbled mess. She tried to articulate everything, but the words seemed to escape her. But she knew all too well what happened. The memory of ditching school, hopping on a bus, and experiencing the best day of her life with a man who wasn't her boyfriend, consumed her mind.

Lorelai cut through the tension with a firm tone, "You went to New York to see Jess."

"It was the stroke!" Rory exclaimed. "It made me someone else, and after his phone call last night—"

"That was him?"

"It did something to me, I don't know what. In fact, you should take the phone away from me, too. That's right, add it to the list. No books, no music, no phone."

"Okay, Rory—"

"I'm a horrible person," Rory said, her voice filled with self-loathing. Because even now, even when she felt terrible about missing her mother's graduation and cheating on Dean by visiting and kissing Jess, she still didn't regret it.

"You're not a horrible person."

"I am sick, I'm ill, I'm cracked," The words were a frenzied rush. "This is not who I am. If I were to write this down in my diary and I would read it, I would be like, Who is this freak? This isn't me. This isn't my diary. I wouldn't do this." Rory continued quick and without breath, "I wouldn't skip school when I have finals coming up to go see a guy that isn't even my guy and end up missing my mother's graduation, which I wanted to be at so badly."

And it was true. It was unlike her. As she had already established, she was out of her mind when she first got to New York. But still, she didn't regret seeing Jess. Maybe she regretted missing her mother's graduation, but if she could do it over again, she would still visit him, consequences be damned.

"That's someone else. That's someone flighty and stupid and dumb and girly. And, I mean, I missed your graduation, which is the worst thing I could have possibly done. I mean, I hurt you."

"Okay, my God, take a breath," Lorelai said.

"I don't deserve a breath. No breaths. You should add that to the list. You should beat me, ground me, take the phone away and deprive me of air." Rory said.

"Okay, look, nobody wants to say this any less than me, but I," Lorelai's voice had softened before saying, "maybe you don't have a medical condition or a mental problem. Maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess.

And Rory was struck by how Lorelai could always read her like a book and understand the meaning through the crazed ranting.

"No," Rory's voice barely above a whisper. The thought of admitting to her feelings for Jess filled her with a mix of fear and excitement. She feared what her mother would say if she knew the truth. But she was excited for what those feelings meant.

"Rory, you cut school," Lorelai pushed, trying to get her daughter to see what was right in front of her.

"Yeah, I know," the knot in her stomach tighten as Rory replied.

"You got on a bus and went to a strange city in your uniform to see Jess."

"I know."

"Well, that doesn't mean nothing. That means something. I mean—" Lorelai said, not backing down.

And Rory knew that Lorelai wouldn't let it go.

As the words echoed in her mind, Rory felt a sense of clarity wash over her. The scent of Jess still clung to his jacket, reminding her of their time together in New York. And the feelings she had for him never wavered, still rang true and clear and bright in her mind, and emboldened her with courage.

Yes, it was easier to repeat old patterns now that she was back home in Stars Hollow, but Jess was swirling around her. His presence making her strong and want to fight for what she wanted. And not what others wanted for her.

So even though she knew Lorelai wouldn't approve of Jess, she knew she had to be honest with her mother and herself.

"Yes, okay, shit," Rory never swore. It was foreign to Rory, so much so that Lorelai's jaw dropped a bit, but when Rory continued, Lorelai was even more stunned, "Yes, I have fallen for Jess. I kissed him today. And he…" Rory trailed off suddenly.

"And he what?" Lorelai asked.

God, this was the first time ever that Rory didn't want to tell her mom what was going on, but at the same time she did. Even though Lorelai didn't like Jess, they were best friends first and then mother and daughter.

So, Rory broke down and told her mom everything.

"He took me everywhere. He didn't even judge that I just showed up. He didn't even know I was coming. I just got there. And he was at the park. And he took me to get you your present—I got you a present by the way."

"Thank you," Lorelai said.

"And even leaving. I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to say good bye again." Tears were pouring down Rory's cheeks and she brought up her hand to wipe her face. "It wasn't his fault mom. It was an accident. That's it. It could have happened with Dean."

Lorelai tried to speak again, but Rory talked over her, forcing her mom to be remain quiet, "And yes, I got hurt, but so did he. And y'know he called you right? He left a message at home, and at the inn to tell you. I bet you didn't even bother to listen to those. But he did."

"Rory—" Lorelai tried again.

"No mom," Rory protested. "He road the bus with me back to Hartford. All the way from New York. It wasn't just a kiss and good bye. He took the bus with me and sat with me the whole way. Just to make sure I got home safe before going back to the city. And a bad guy doesn't do that."

"No, I suppose not," Lorelai spoke slowly, pondering the thought before she said, "But, Rory—"

"What could possibly be so bad about him, mom?" Rory yelled reaching the end and throwing her hands in the air.

"What about Dean?"

There it was. The looming question of the night.

"I—" Rory said shakily. She needed to do this tonight. She needed to tell everyone tonight. She needed to end it tonight, "I don't love him anymore. And, I know I just told you to ground me, but, I need to tell him. I need to just…"

"Be honest?" Lorelai supplied.

"Yeah," Rory said with a deep breath, and finally met her mom's gaze for the first time since she started rambling. Very similar blue eyes locked with hers and Rory saw the understanding and love there.

She shouldn't have doubted her mom. Lorelai would always accept her. Rory knew that.

"Then go be honest," Lorelai nodded. They stood there in silence for a moment before wordlessly Lorelai opened her arms and Rory immediately fell into them, allowing her mom to wrap her in a massive embrace.

"Thanks, Mom," Rory whispered, the words getting muffled against her mom's shoulder. "I really am sorry."

"Oh? 'Cause you didn't make that very clear," Lorelai chuckled, and Rory relished in the comfort, before Lorelai asked, "y'know what makes it better?"

"Presents?"

"Presents." Lorelai pulled back, "gimme!"

And Rory laughed. Deep and from her stomach. For the first time since she and Jess left the record store, Rory really laughed. It was relief and Rory was washed away in the current of it. Reaching down, Rory picked up the neon-green bag, and handed it to her mom.

"Okay, this is from both of us," Rory said and Lorelai raised an eyebrow in intrigue. Slowly, she pulled the signed vinyl record out of the plastic, and Rory watched as her mom suddenly jumped for joy and hugged it close to her chest.

"Wow!" Lorelai beamed, shouting with excitement, "okay, this totally makes up for you missing my graduation."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, nuh-uh, no way," Lorelai pulled Rory into a side along hug and opened the front door, "Cut class tomorrow and see if you can find me a Bangles one?"

And Rory snorted as they walked into the house, already feeling lighter.

Now, I just need Jess to come back.