"NO! NO! NO! Evan come on baby please wake up." Eddie pleads as he holds on to Bucks limp body, Eddie notices the color in his cheeks starting to become pale.
He lays Buck down and feels for his pulse and lets a sigh as he can feel a very faint pulse beating. His first aid instincts kick in and knows he needs to somehow purge Buck's stomach of whatever he has taken before it dissolves anymore into his system, but with the team a few minutes behind and no tools he can only think of one thing to do unsure it would even work.
"I'm sorry I have to do this, but I promise this will help you, please hold on." Eddie says tears falling straining his eyesight.
He turns Buck to his side and raises his head slightly and opens Buck's mouth with one hand and slowly inserts two fingers in the hope he is concise enough to make him sick. After a second Buck starts coughing and lurches up booze, and semi dissolved pills.
Eddie lets a sigh of relief out, but he knows some will be still in there but at least he got some out. Buck continues to cough some more before Eddie notices Buck's eyes slowly open.
"Ed..." Buck groggily asks.
"Si, Mi amor. I… I'm sorry that I have to do this." Eddie says before sliding his fingers into Buck's throat and to his surprise, he didn't fight it which made Eddie guilty deep inside but he didn't have any choice.
The sound of gagging and coughing makes Eddie stop before gently but quickly removes his fingers from Buck's throat. What came after that was more of the half dissolved pills and some gunk that Eddie didn't want to smell anymore.
"I'm sorry, Eddie." Buck says as puke drips from his mouth.
"It is ok, just stay awake for me, help is coming. Please stay with me." Eddie says as he wipes the puke from Buck and pulls him back into the recovery position. Eddie takes his jacket off and places it over Buck.
He looks out at the view in front of him and it was beautiful, he just wished they were there under better circumstances. The low orange glow slowly disappears, he knew it would be dark soon and he prays the team gets here before it does. Because hypothermia is the last thing Buck needs. He looks down at Buck and runs his hand through his curls and hears Buck sigh.
"Hey, remember, no sleep, it's a beautiful view." Eddie says he knows he cannot ask why Buck felt the need to end his life, not right now. Eddie just needed to keep Buck positive.
"It is, I was hoping one day maybe I could..." Buck starts and stops.
"Go on."
"Well, maybe I could have brought you here for a date, and now I ruined it like everything else." Buck says, trying to sit up.
"Stay still, and no you haven't. I let you down once, and I won't do that again." Eddie explains as he hears the welcome sound of the sirens, "Hey, you're doing great. Hear that? They're here, we will have you at the hospital, where you will be safe."
"Mmm-hmm..." Buck hums tiredly.
"Come on, stay awake for me..." Eddie pleads.
"I'm so tired though… And it's getting cold."
"I know baby, but you can't drift off and I won't let you." Eddie says as he bends down and kisses Bucks cheek.
"Eddie, we're here!" Hens voice can be heard, and Eddie looks to see Hen and Chim rushing over bags over their shoulders.
"How long ago was the overdose?" Hen asks.
"I'm not sure... I got here, he passed out. I'd say 20 minutes maybe more, I forced him to puke a few times and managed to get some of the pills up." Eddie says.
"Okay then, just stand back so we can work." Hen says.
"But..." Eddie starts and stops as he feels a hand on his shoulder.
"It's ok, we got him." Bobby says and pulls Eddie into a hug.
"Buck it's Hen, we're here, I need you to stay awake for us ok?"
Eddie watches as Hen and Chim work on Buck, inserting needles and IV drops Each passing minute feels like hours to Eddie, watching his friends, his family, work on the man he loves and he knows whom the team loves too.
he watches as Bobby passes them the backboard and they slowly move Buck on to it. They lift him and make their way back to the ambulance, Eddie helping by taking a handle on the backboard to get them to the ambulance quicker. Once in the ambulance, they get Buck hooked up to the heart monitor and Eddie can see how weak he is, they strap him in and wrap him in a blanket.
"Eddie, go with them we will follow." Bobby says.
Eddie nods and climbs into the ambulance, sitting next to Hen who checks the screens. Eddie takes hold of Buck's hand and he can feel the coldness of Buck's skin. He squeezes his hand and feels a gentle squeeze back. Eddie smiles as he looks at Buck who now has an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. His blue eyes standing more prominent against the pale skin, the bounce of the ambulance shakes Eddie into remembering how bumpy the road actually was here, but he doesn't lose eye-contact with Buck.
"He will be fine; he is a fighter." Hen says.
"I know, but he was so broken. What if he can't recover from this? I'm scared he will give up on life, give up on us." Eddie says wiping the tears away.
"Then tell him not to." Hen says and smiles at Eddie.
Eddie moves and positions himself next to Buck's head and runs his free hand through the blond curls and bends down, kissing Buck on the forehead.
"Evan, I need you to fight and stay with me and Chris. I love you and I need you here. I can't bear to lose you too." Eddie says and sees Buck smile, but it disappears as they hear a single beep, long and high pitched.
"Eddie, move." Hen says pushing Eddie back in the seat "Chim, I need you to hurry up!"
"Trying to!" Chim says, "What have we got so I can radio ahead?"
"Cardiac arrest, starting compressions." She shouts as Eddie watches her start chest compressions and he listens as Chim explains down the radio. He feels the ambulance move quicker and everything goes by in a blur.
It feels like an out-of-body experience to Eddie as he watches Hen work on Buck to keep him alive. And as so, he flashes back to when he was in the ambulance, escorting Shannon to the hospital. The sight of it triggers so much pain but Eddie, at this point, felt numb. It goes by so fast that he was shaken out of his trance when the doors flew open and doctors and nurses pulled the gurney out.
Hen was still performing CPR on Buck and he watches as they take over from her and they vanish inside. He slowly climbs out of the ambulance and his legs give way under him and he falls down to his knees outside the ambulance. He watches as his tears start falling onto the black tarmac when he feels an arm wrap around him and pulls him close.
"We got him here, he is now in the best place he could be." Hen says "Come on, let's head in." She finishes as she helps him up and they wander inside. As they do a nurse directs them to the waiting area, saying they will be over with any information as soon as they can.
Eddie sits down, a blanket around him. His head hung low as the vision of Buck laying there, the sound of the flatline on repeat. He sees people's feet move around him but he doesn't acknowledge or talk to anyone.
All he cares about is Buck and what is going on.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
After a while, Eddie starts getting impatient and gets up now taking in everyone who was in the room with him. All their friends and family had turned up but he can't face them so he storms off, not stopping for a single person, no matter who they were. He kept walking till he was out of the hospital, breathing in the fresh air.
He felt guilt and anger flare up.
Guilt that he failed Buck.
But also anger at Buck for doing what he did.
Was Eddie not enough for him?
Was Chris not enough for him either?
All these thoughts start to go around and around his head which was making him doubt his capabilities of keeping someone he loved and cared for close to him alive. He could feel the anger build just like after Shannon and all he wanted to do was smack something, to feel the release of anger, and to feel something other than anger.
He clenched his fists ready to smack the wall behind him.
"Don't." a voice behind him says.
As he turns he sees Maddie's tear-soaked face. The next thing he knows he's been embraced in a tight hug from her and he lets go of the anger replaced by tears.
"Was I not enough? Did I lack something?" Eddie sobs.
He feels Maddie shift, not expecting that to be the thing Eddie says, but she pulls him tighter.
"You are enough! Never doubt that for a second, no one could have predicted Chase appearing. If we did, we would have been on a tighter watch around him. I failed him and in and turn failed you and Chris too." Maddie explains.
"You haven't failed..." Eddie starts
"NO! I'm his sister and I was looking after him, I should have popped round more, called more, but I got complacent as I knew he was with you and safe. I shouldn't have put it all on you Eddie it wasn't fair on you."
Eddie felt guilty too. He kept telling everyone they were doing ok, maybe that was the wrong thing to do. He pulls away from her and wipes his face before looking at her. Despite him knowing her words were to make him feel good, he knew deep down that this was on him.
"Come on, let's head in I'm sure we will get an answer soon." She says.
They head back in and Eddie just takes a seat again ignoring pretty much everyone, he just wanted to see Buck and that was it.
He needed to see he was there.
That he wasn't left behind.
"Buckley party?" A voice pulls him out of his thoughts, he jumps up walking to the Doctor.
"I'm his sister, these are friends, is he ok?" Maddie explains.
"He is stable and we're moving him to a private room." The doctor says, Eddie, lets a sigh of relief "But, can I have a private chat with you please?" The doctor says.
"Yeah, come on Eddie." Maddie says reaching for Eddie.
"Miss Buckely, this is a really private matter that should only be discussed with the family." The doctor explains and Eddie can feel the panic building.
"Eddie is Evan's boyfriend, so he has the right to hear what you have to say." Maddie straight-faced explains.
"Then come with me." The doctor says and they start to follow the doctor.
"Thank you, but you didn't..." Eddie starts.
"I did, and let's face it. The way you two were going it was only a matter of time before you got together." She explains with a half-smile as they arrive at the door the doctor stopped at.
"As you know, Mr. Buckley tried to take his life, we understand he has a traumatic few months, but I need to ask you some questions." The doctor states and Eddie wonders what kind.
"Ok." Maddie responds.
"Have you noticed any behavior from Mr. Buckley to indicate he was in pain recently? Mainly round the chest area?" The doctor asks.
"Not as I was aware of, I know he had a few cuts from, well the last time he was here but I thought they had healed up." Eddie explains, he sees the doctor shift and looks at Maddie who has tears in her eyes, what was he missing?
"What is it?" Eddie asks.
"He stopped me from changing the bandages," Maddie croaked out.
"Yeah, from what we can tell he has been making it bleed and slowed the healing down." The doctor explains and it hits Eddie.
"He's been harming himself…" Eddie said and felt nothing but grief and agony rising. Looking back right now, there were a lot of red flags that were there, but he just ignored them. Because Buck said he was fine...
"Eddie, if he wanted to he could and would hide it, think back you weren't with him all the time." Maddie says squeezing Eddie's hand.
Eddie couldn't believe he had missed it, he had failed again to protect Buck, just this time it happened under Eddie's care.
"We have checked and there are no other wounds, we have cleaned and rebandaged the one of his chest and the nurses will be keeping an eye out. We have arranged for Mr. Buckely to be assessed." The doctor explains and Eddie's heart aches at that word.
"What do you mean assessed?" Maddie asks.
"Because of the nature of his arrival today and the old wound not healed we have a duty of care. I know this is a lot to take in and to understand but we need to give your brother and partner the best support we can." The doctor says.
"Ok, I understand." Maddie says.
"I don't." Eddie mutters out "It's Buck. He couldn't have done it for that long, I know today was about Chase turning up, but we were good! He was seeing his therapist and it was all going ok!" Eddie explains as tears roll down his cheeks.
"I understand, but people in situations like these, Mr. Buckley can make it look like everything is perfect to the people they care about. He wouldn't be the first one to do that. I've seen people lie to their loved ones about their health because they didn't want them to be sad and feel helpless." The doctor says as he looks at his pager, "Look, I have to go but you can sit with him but he will be out for a while. When he wakes please don't push him to talk."
"Thank you." Maddie explains.
Eddie watches as the doctor walks off and feels himself being pulled into the room by Maddie. As he turns he can see Buck laying there; his head slightly elevated and the tubes entering his arm. He looked so peaceful but all Eddie wanted to do was wake him and ask for answers.
"He will be fine Eddie, we just have to be patient like the doctor said." Maddie's hushed voice states.
"I just want to wake him and ask why. Why has he been doing it for so long?" Eddie explains wiping his face.
"Eddie, that's the last thing we will be doing, if you do that it will just make him close up and he won't talk. We will just avoid any talk like that unless he brings it up, my and your job is to show him we are here. Am I clear?" Maddie states and Eddie looks over at Buck, "If you can't do that then you need to leave now." that throws Eddie off and he looks back at her.
"I can do that Maddie I promise" He states as he makes his way over to Buck.
He looks at Buck's sleeping form and smiles; he loved seeing Buck asleep, he looked so peaceful, Eddie runs his finger over Buck's cheek before bending down and placing a kiss.
"I'm here, and I'm not leaving you." Eddie whispers as he takes a seat lacing his fingers in between Buck's. He looks across the bed to Maddie who had done the same.
Eddie was unsure of how much time had passed as they sat there in silence and as much as he wanted to stay awake he could feel himself slowly slipping into the world of sleep. He places his head down on the bed, his head resting next to Buck's arm and the stress of the day finally catches up with him.
He wakes to a gentle tap on his shoulder. This jolts Eddie awake and he turns immediately to Buck and still sees he's asleep.
"He's fine." Bobby's hushed voice brings Eddie to turn towards him.
"Hey Bobby, Athena, when did you come in?" Eddie questions.
"Just a few minutes ago, c'mon let's go get a coffee."
"No, I want to stay here."
Eddie shifts to brush a hand over Buck's head.
"I can't leave him alone again."
"You won't, I will stay with him" Athena states.
"Come on, you know he is safe and the second he wakes you know she will call you."
"Fine, but only five minutes" Eddie states.
When he stands he leans down and places a gentle kiss on Buck's forehead before following Bobby out the door. Glancing back one last time before he steps out the door. He followed Bobby down the long corridor towards the lift, he could tell Bobby wanted to talk but he was grateful that he wasn't talking. They both walked in silence till they were in the lift.
"Eddie, how.."
"He's doing good, just need him to wake so they can assess him."
"No, I was asking how you are doing? I know how Buck is, Maddie explained when we came to take over from you both."
"Oh, I'm fine, Buck is out of danger..."
"Eddie..." Eddie can see the look in Bobby's eyes.
"Maddie told you about me nearly punching the wall didn't she?"
"No, but now you have you can explain."
Fuck, Eddie should have known better, but in a way, he was glad it was out there, he didn't want to go back down that path especially after the last time. He glances and nods towards Bobby as they make their way to the cafe. Eddie takes a seat and watches as Bobby gets some coffees, Eddie looks around the empty canteen glancing at his watch. It was 3 am explaining the quietness. He starts to fiddle with his fingers, unsure where to even start when Bobby comes back, but he knows Bobby will listen and not judge.
"Here you go." Bobby says placing a cup in front of Eddie.
Eddie looks up and smiles at Bobby and notes the older man just staring and it's not a judging look but a caring one.
"So it happened nearly earlier? Because I felt I was to blame, you know, for Buck doing what he did." Eddie braced himself as the next words he was about to say were poison to his thoughts, "It's… Was I not enough? Wasn't Christopher? Did I do something to make him think we didn't want him? Why didn't I say to people that yes, we could do with extra help? I was doing it to myself when I shouldn't have. But I'm so mad at Buck for doing what he did. It's like a coward..."
"Stop right there, what Buck did was wrong but in no way is it a coward's move. People hit that point when everything else is too far or too hard to do, or they have lost control of everything. With everything that he had been through, this was the one thing he could control. Yes, he should have spoken to you or Maddie but in the same way, we failed you too. We should have popped around more, I know that's not what either of you wanted but we should have, and I'm sorry." They both take a sip of coffee and Bobby continues.
"But Eddie, don't you dare think for even one second that you are not enough. I have seen the way he looks at you and it's with pure love. Even when this all kicked off he kept looking at you the same."
"I failed him though, just like I failed Shannon." Eddie states taking another drink as his stomach growls.
"No, you didn't fail them. Could you have done things differently? Yes, but we all have them thoughts, it's how we move forward from them. What do you want Eddie and I mean just you. Forget about Buck and Christopher for a second, what do you want? Think about that while I grab food as I'm guessing you haven't eaten either."
Eddie nods and Bobby smiles, he watches Bobby walk away and he replays the words in his head.
What did he want?
He knew he wanted Buck to be in his and Christophers life but what did he want? He knew throughout his life that he had always done things to better his family but never what he really wanted to do. He thinks back to the years with Shannon the arguments and nights on the sofa, then to his start of the army, then to starting at the 118 and he smiles at the memories of the life he had built.. The smile grew more he thought about the team but more importantly the man that had snuck into his heart unnoticed. At first, but now more than ever and that's when it hit him, he wanted Buck. He knew he wanted him already as a partner but this felt more like he found his soulmate and he wasn't going to lose him now.
"I want Evan." he says out loud.
"Well, I thought that's what you would say..." Bobby says as he places a plate of some hospital food down.
"No, Bobby I want him. Yes, people joked about us being an inseparable pair, but the more I think of the days before you know- I smile more than I ever did when I thought back to Shannon. He's my soulmate and I'm gonna fight for him."
"Ok, but you know this will take time. It's not something you can rush, he will be in a tender place and will need time."
"That's why I need to ask a big favor." Eddie explains.
"Depends what the favor is? I am married to a cop don't forget." Bobby chuckles.
"Nothing dodgy, I want to take Buck to Texas for a few weeks, away from all this. My cousin has a ranch so we can rest up there, take in the scenery and Buck would feel safe, and maybe the team could visit. " Eddie explains smiling.
"That sounds like a plan but you have to see what Buck wants, but I will organize it. I mean you're only just back to work, but I'm sure we can swing the time off for you, but like I said you need to speak to Buck. And it also depends on the doctor's assessment."
Eddie hadn't thought about the assessment too much since it was mentioned but now dreaded what it could mean.
"What do you think they could do?"
"To be honest I'm not sure, could just mean more therapy or they have him attend a medical clinic."
"You mean lock him up? I won't let them."
"Eddie, you won't have any say in the matter. If they deem him too unstable or a danger to himself or others, they have to do it. But we will be there the whole way, now eat up and we will get you back."
Eddie eats in silence as the thoughts of Buck being locked away haunts him. He wouldn't let it happen. Once he was finished they made their way back. He noticed Bobby tried but stopped himself from talking to Eddie, he knew his face mustn't look too happy so he was keeping his silence. As they approach the room he lets out a sigh.
"I'm sorry Bobby, I didn't mean to make it seem like I was ungrateful. I just don't want to lose him again."
"I get it, but like I said we have to do what's best for him and take it one step at a time. Now I would say go home, but I know you won't, so try to get some rest. Like I said, me and Athena are here now to watch over him." Bobby explains as he opens the door.
Eddie looks straight at Buck still asleep, Athena sat there next to him smiling at him.
"Still asleep then?" Bobby asks.
"Yeah the doctor was in not long ago, said it still could be a while yet."
"Thanks for sitting with him."
"No need for thanks, we will be here until Hen comes to take over. But I'm guessing you won't be leaving?"
"I want to stay till he at least wakes so he knows I'm here."
"In that case, I think we will leave you alone for a bit, but we will be back soon."
Eddie smiles while he watches Bobby and Athena leave the room. He sits in the chair next to the bed taking hold of Buck's hand. He looks to the window and sees Athena hugging Bobby, and it dawns on Eddie, Bobby sat there listening to how much he failed Buck but not once did he ask how Bobby was feeling.
"Shit" Eddie says, realizing he had failed at being a friend again. Why did he do this to himself?
He looks over at Buck and smiles, no matter what was happening around them, seeing Buck always made him smile.
"I'm here Evan, I won't leave you."
As Eddie kisses Buck's hands, he feels a gentle squeeze and Eddie sees Buck's eyes fluttering.
"I'm here." Eddie says as he watches Buck, he watches as Buck looks around the room, till his eyes settle on Eddie and he can see the tears rolling down his cheeks
"Why did you save me, I wanted to die, I don't want to be here anymore, why would you take this from me?"