You've only seen John once or twice again since your awkward encounter with him that day. Both of you have barely spoken anything to each other other than usual exchange of "Hi," "Hello," "How are you feeling?" "How's your face," "I'm fine," and "Thank you."
John didn't seem to make a fuss over it. It seemed it didn't bother him entirely at all. You thought he and Abigail looked sweet when they weren't arguing over something or when they weren't at each other's throats about John not 'manning up'. Looks like he's managing just fine without you much to your disappointment. On the other hand, it has been a struggle for you. It certainly felt as if you're left alone to brave the storms that have been raging in your heart.
After a successful train robbery, the day had come when it was time again for the Van der Linde gang to move. The caravan was to head south, to a place called Horseshoe Overlook, you overheard Uncle saying. The thought of warmth and sunlight did at least help brighten up your dreary week.
"There's room here for one more, Ms. [Y/N]." you heard Hosea hollered to you. You were the last person to board the wagons, and you caught his attention while you were figuring out how to utlise the remaining space in the back of one of the wagons without smelling Uncle.
"Come on, we ain't gonna bite." Arthur added. Hosea patted on the space next to him. You sighed in relief and gladly accepted his invitation. Hosea and Arthur smelled better and nicer than Uncle by leaps and bounds.
"So dear, how are you?" Hosea initiated.
"I've been good. Thank you, Mr. Matthews. How's your cough?"
"Better. The one you've given me last time is helping." He answered.
When he didn't hear a response from you, "What's been eating you, [Y/N]? You seemed distracted since Colter." He asked.
"Nothing." You shook your head in denial. "It was just the cold."
"Look, if you gotta keep a secret, don't go shooting whiskey then announcing it for everyone to know. Hosea here is better at keeping secrets than me." Arthur sighed.
You shot him a look from where you were sitting as if he just betrayed you – but then again, you thought Hosea was nice and he was more grand/fatherly than how you felt towards Dutch for that matter – as wise but more level-headed. It did feel like you could talk to him more than Arthur or anyone else about these things.
"Please don't tell anyone." There was no point in bottling it up anymore, and you desperately needed to talk to someone about it. After pouring your heart out to Hosea like a teenage hopeless romantic, you impatiently waited for his response.
"Look, dear. John's lost. Long before you joined us, he was gone for a year, to god knows where. We had no idea, but Jack being born, he didn't seem to take it well, and there's Abigail being so persistent and all. Maybe he felt he wasn't ready."
"He's a coward, Hosea." Arthur scoffed.
"We all are, Arthur, at some point in our lives." Hosea said sympathetically. "Like I said, he's lost, and he doesn't know what he wants – if it's a family he wants or, or something else. But at the end of the day, it's his decision. He's gotta do what makes him happy. I just hope when the time comes for him to decide, he hears it from all sides you know, including yours." Hosea's eyes met yours.
"So, do I just walk up to him and tell him I'm hopelessly in love with him?" You asked.
"Woah woah…easy there, cowgirl." Arthur said, slightly surprised at your sudden hastiness.
"All in good time, dear. All in good time." Hosea chuckled, then he shifted to a more serious tone when he continued, "I just hope too, that when that time comes, you're 100% sure of what you are getting yourself into."
"What do you mean?"
"You're young, [Y/N], and you got your whole life ahead of you. You can just turn around and leave this all behind, pursue doctoring like your father. Start a family, live a normal life!" Hosea gestured in the air. He said it with a hint of sadness in his voice.
You didn't want to hear any of it, but deep down, you knew he was right.
Hosea, as if he read your thoughts, continued "it'll break Dutch's heart, mine too, and Arthur's..."
You looked at Arthur, who just nodded in agreement. You were unsure if he was agreeing about her leaving and turning your life around or agreeing about breaking everyone's hearts if you do decide to leave.
"You gotta do, what you gotta do, [Y/N]. Alright?" Hosea added, he shifted his tone again in hopes of lightening up the conversation.
"Now, lemme tell you how Bessie and I met. Arthur has heard this story a dozen times, so just don't mind me okay, Arthur?"
With genuine interest, you listened to Hosea's fond recollection of his time with Bessie on the rest of your journey to Horseshoe Overlook. However, you just couldn't help yourself drifting back to the thoughts you knew were in your mind for the longest time, but never dared entertain them further until now, when Hosea had put them into words, saying them out loud for you to hear them for yourself.