So Kirchoff , what do you like from a prospective mate? Valen asked as he was entering his lab.

"You really cut to the chase today didn't you," Kirchoff yawned. He had only just dragged himself out of bed and into the lab, his shirt hanging loose and wrinkled over his pajamas. He considered changing out of them when he got up this morning, but they were too damn comfortable.

So, what do you like? He asked eagerly as he sat himself in his amazing swivel chair. Whoever had the idea of giving his a chair this comfortable should be given a medal. Or a raise.

"Gimme a minute, I'm still waking up."

Hurry up, I'm curious!

"Okay okay. Jeez, you're impatient today," He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and did his best to think, which was a hard task for him right after waking up. "I dunno. I like smart guys, and they have to have a sense of humor. They don't have to be the nicest, but I don't want to be in a relationship with an asshole. Other than that, I'm not sure. I haven't put all that much thought into it. What about you?"

I don't care as long as they don't try to kill me on a daily basis.

"Wow. You have got some really high standards there."

It's not like I can afford to be picky. There aren't all that many other male Xenomorph drones around now are there?

"Whatever. If you want to shack up with an asshole, that's fine with me. I can afford to be picky."

Why don't you pucker up and kiss my rear end. Tell me what you think about assholes then.

"Like I'd do that."

I think you'd like it if you did that.

"...Shut up." Valen let out his raspy laugh and curled back up on the floor. So what's on the agenda for today Doctor?

"Not much. I just have to crunch some numbers, bullshit some reports so it looks like I'm actually being productive and maybe talk to Dr. Nigel."

Sounds thrilling.

"Yeah, positively riveting." He pushed back from his workstation and swiveled around in his chair.

Kirchoff had been very busy pumping out reports up until he had his little breakdown to Valen a few weeks ago, but recently he found that he had less and less work to do and more and more free time on his hands. Up until then, he had to keep a constant stream of reports going out in order to keep his deal with Valen, but the day after his breakdown Dr. Nigel had sent him a memo that he could slow down with his work since she was occupied with another project she was working on. It was very odd, considering the pace she was making him work at before, but at the time he didn't put much thought into it. It was a godsend at the time because he was so exhausted.

At first, it was nice to have a break from all the tedious labor of report writing, but soon enough boredom had begun to creep in. There wasn't much to do in his lab. Of course he could talk to Valen, but even after only working with him for a few months he still needed a break from him every now and again. He still tried to make a visit to the library, but it wasn't exactly a great source of anything that wasn't non-fiction. And of course he had already watched almost every movie he was interested in the lounge.

"I'll be back. I'm going to grab some food." He wasn't all that hungry, but it was something to do.

I'll be here when you get back.

Kirchoff chuckled and walked into his living quarters and down to the small kitchen. After several minutes of rummaging through the fridge and cabinets, he emerged from the kitchen empty handed. He was out of bread and any attempt he made to make anything more complicated than a sandwich usually ended up being doused with a fire extinguisher. Just as he turned to leave the kitchen something in one of the cabinets caught his eye. On the top shelf of a cabinet filled with various plates and bowls was the edge of a thin brown box.

What is that? Kirchoff reached up and tried to grab the box, but he was too short. Grumbling in frustration, he grabbed the desk chair from his room and got the box down. It must have been up there for quite some time judging by the layer of dust on the lid. He blew the dust off the box to see if there were any labels indicating what might be inside it, but there was nothing. He ran his fingers along the edge of the box and gently lifted the lid. Instead of dinnerware, the box was filled with an old chess set, with actual wooden playing pieces.

That gave him an idea. He rushed back out to the lab where Valen appeared to be sleeping. He sat himself on the floor in front of Valen and flipped the box open.

What's this? Valen asked, gazing at the box.

"Valen, have you ever played chess?"

He raised his head. What's chess?

Kirchoff grinned.

Dr. Nigel frowned. She flipped through the pages of the document again, re-reading what she already knew by heart. Her two month grace period was up and Dr. Gavin wanted a decision.

As if reading her mind, the man himself appeared at her door. He leaned on the door jamb with one hand on his hip and smirked at her. She had to resist the urge to slap him.

"I trust that you have come to a conclusion," he said.

"...Yes, I have."

"And?"

She sighed. "You win Julius. I'll do it."

"I knew that you'd come around eventually," He said more than a little smugly.

"Wipe that smile off your face," she snarled. "I'm only doing this because it's better than you taking over my work."

His smile faded, but only a little. "Thank you Ursula. We'll start tomorrow."

"How the hell did you beat me so easily?" Kirchoff asked in exasperation. "I thought you've never played chess before?"

I haven't, Valen said. It's not all that hard if you think about it critically.

"I don't understand how you could beat me in just twelve moves though."

I bet you I could do it in nine. He gave Kirchoff a smug look.

"You're on."

Even though he had just learned the rules of chess not twenty minutes ago, he had already gotten the hang of the game of chess. It was fun, and it actually challenged him a little. He had to plan his moves, and try to stay one step above his competition. Which admittedly wasn't too hard. Kirchoff didn't seem to have quite the same grasp on chess as he did.

Pawn to E4. Kirchoff moved the little white playing piece. Then he responded by moving his pawn on the same row down to E5.

Perfect, He thought to himself. Bishop to C4. This made Kirchoff pause and think his next move through carefully. That was good, he was learning, but he still wanted to win. And the best way to do that would be to cause some kind of distraction. Fortunately, he was very good at those.

Kirchoff, do you remember the first day we met?

"Yes," His calculating gaze shifted to him. "Why do you ask?"

No reason. I was just thinking about how much has changed since then.

"Yeah, things certainly are different," Kirchoff looked a little distant.

You're not trying to electrocute me for one.

"In my defence, you were annoying as all hell."

I was not!

"Oh yes you were!" Kirchoff moved the knight to Valen's left to C6. Perfect.

Queen to F3, He had to resist the urge to snicker as Kirchoff moved his piece. Tell me one way that I was annoying.

"Um, lets see," He said sarcastically. "You refused to answer anything I asked in a reasonable manner."

I was merely challenging you. Your brain needs exercise too. It's so small and unused.

He laughed out loud as Kirchoff squirmed in rage. He moved his bishop to B4 to prevent him from moving one of his pawns, but it was too late now. "Fine! You're still an arrogant, sarcastic son of a bitch!"

That doesn't matter so long as I've won. Queen to F7. He watched in anticipation as Kirchoff moved his piece and knocked out one of his pawns. Checkmate.

The look on Kirchoff's face was priceless. Half astonishment, half fury. "Fuck you Valen! Fuck you!" He was so mad that it practically radiated off of him.

Aw, are you mad that you lost?

"No!" He fumed. He sat there, simmering for a moment, before he remembered who he was talking to. "...Fine, yes!"

I thought so.

Kirchoff took a deep breath. "Sorry, I just got a bit competitive."

I think you might be right on that one, Valen said. No matter what he said, Valen always seemed to have a comeback ready to go.

"Valen, do you know how many times I've been tempted to go back on my promise?"

Ummmm… About seven.

"I think it was closer to seventeen."

No, seven. I've been keeping track.

Kirchoff rubbed his temples. "I swear to god, one of these days I am going to snap and 'accidentally' kill you."

You almost did that already you jackass.

"What?" His eyebrows raised, "When?"

When you locked me up for two weeks, you twit! exclaimed Valen. I thought you knew that already.

"I knew that you were weakened, but I didn't know that you could have died! I tried to keep my eye on you to make sure that didn't happen."

I'm pretty sure you almost did kill me by accident. I felt myself starting to slip just before you ended my solitary confinement.

"Oh," he mumbled. "According to reports I've read, Xenomorphs are very social creatures that will die in a matter of months if separated from social contact with other Xenomorphs. I just assumed that since you were raised in captivity it wouldn't affect you as much."

Apparently not. I felt... hopeless after a while. Like I had no will to live.

"If I actually cared about doing my job right now, I'd be thrilled." Valen shot him what he assumed was a calculating look.

But you don't feel that way, do you? Mind reading bastard. It was amazing just how well he could read him with his little psychic trick.

"No, I just feel guilty," Kirchoff looked at his shoes. "I really am sorry for that by the way."

I can tell.

"And what about you? Do you feel guilty about anything?"

Hah, guilty about what? Daydreaming about breaking out of here and murdering every human in sight? Valen asked.

"I meant in general," Kirchoff said.

No you didn't, he snorted. If you must know, I am perfectly capable of guilt, but answer me this: should I feel guilt over killing my prey, be it animal or human?

"I… no, I don't think so," he said, "That wouldn't be very good for a predatory species like yours."

I'm glad to see you understand. Both of them fell silent after that. Kirchoff couldn't think of anything else to say, and for his part, Valen didn't seem to know what to say either.

Finally, Kirchoff asked Valen something that had been at the back of his mind for a while, "Valen, do you think we'll ever get out of here? After whatever I'm supposed to be doing here is done?

Instead of a snarky retort, Valen seemed to take the question seriously. Honestly, I do not know. I'm fairly sure that I'm not going to live for long once the good Dr. Nigel is done with her little project. As for you, you have a better chance of leaving this place than I ever will.

"I guess," Kirchoff said. The idea that Valen would just be disposed of after this project was done made him sick to his stomach, even more so than the idea that he might be disposed of as well. Valen had just as much a right to live as any other human… but he wasn't really a human was he? It was slipping his mind more and more lately, but Valen was a Xenomorph, an alien life form, nature's perfect killing machine. But did that really matter?

"Valen, as weird as this is to say, I'm glad you're my friend. Hell, I think you're the best friend I've ever had. I'm glad that I got the opportunity to meet you."

Kirchoff waited for Valen to respond, but remained quiet. Reluctantly, he cleaned up the chess board and retired to his room for the night. He laid on his bed staring up at the room for a long time before drifting off to sleep.

Kirchoff woke up bright and early the next morning, like he did every morning. Mostly because he had moved the alarm clock to the other side of the room after he threw it against the wall one morning to shut it up. It blared defiantly from the counter next to the stove until he rolled out of bed.

Once he had finally gotten dressed, fed, and caffeinated, he walked out into his lab… And froze as he saw a woman standing in front of the control panels in his lab.

"Excuse me, who the hell are you?" he asked.

"My name is Julianne. I am your new assistant," she said in a calm, monotone voice. She turned around and he saw that she was dressed in a plain white lab coat, grey slacks and a grey sweater. Her face wasn't unattractive, but it was plain and devoid of any unusual features. Even her eyes were grey and washed out. All in all, she was utterly bland and forgettable.

I didn't realize you requested an assistant , Valen said suspiciously. He was watching Julianne closely, standing up to his full height and looming over her.

I didn't either , Kirchoff replied in his head.

"Um, if you don't mind my asking, who sent you here?" Kirchoff asked the bland woman.

"Dr. Nigel sent me here to assist you in your research," she said in her unnerving monotone voice.

"I'll be sure to extend my thanks to Dr. Nigel," Kirchoff said skeptically.

I do not like her, Valen said to Kirchoff, She gives me the creeps.

Same here.

"She specifically asked me to observe your methods for obtaining such strong and in depth results in your reports."

Oh shit, Kirchoff thought. OooohshitohshitohSHIT!

Agreed, Valen said, worry creeping into his voice.

"Well I guess I can show you my past reports," Kirchoff started, but Julianne cut him off. "No. I am supposed to observe and assist you directly. Dr. Nigel gave me direct instructions, and I will be reporting to her and her superiors directly after I leave here every day."

Is it just me or does this seem really suspicious? Kirchoff asked Valen.

No, I think you're right, he replied. She's been here since I woke up and she didn't move at all until you came in. That, and I can't feel her thoughts.

Kirchoff tried to hide his shock as best he could. What do you mean you can't read her thoughts?

I mean I can't feel her mind. It's as if she's not here at all.

Ah, fuck, Kirchoff mentally groaned. She's an android.

"Dr. Kirchoff?" Julianne asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Are you ready to begin for today?"

"Yeah I'm ready," he lied. He sat down at his terminal and stared at the various dials and buttons. He realized that he actually hadn't used any of them for months, and now he had no idea how he was supposed to convince Julianne that he was actually doing 'research'. His eyes frantically scanned the control panel, looking for anything that wouldn't hurt Valen. Much to his chagrin, his options were scarce.

Valen could feel the worry and conflict rolling off of Kirchoff in waves. He truly didn't want to hurt Valen, but Valen could feel that his options were severely limited.

Kirchoff, just pick one, he told him.

I don't want to hurt you though, he answered. Valen could feel the desperation as he frantically went over and over the option in his head, trying to find one that wouldn't cause him any pain. Valen was a little flattered by how hard he was trying, but he was running out of time. He could see the not-quite-there woman Julianne leaning over his shoulder with such unwavering scrutiny that made Valen feel uneasy.

Just do it, I'll be fine, he ordered Kirchoff.

"Well, I guess we can start with the electrotherapy. That's been pretty effective in the past to draw out reactions." He saw him glance up at him and Valen felt the pang of guilt and regret, then he looked back down and pressed a button.

Valen screamed as a blast of electricity shot through his body. It was only for an instant, but the pain was intense and he hissed in pain and rage. His fury wasn't directed at Kirchoff, however. This wasn't Kirchoff's fault, Valen felt just how badly he didn't want to do it. It was that foul woman who was making him do this.

She said something to Kirchoff, and he reluctantly turned a dial and pressed the button again.

Several hours later, Valen was sore, tired, and grumpy. It had taken far longer than he would have liked for the Julianne woman to buy into whatever lies Kirchoff was feeding her, and his entire body was still tingly from the amount of electric shocks he had received today.

I'm still so, so, so sorry for Valen, Kirchoff apologized.

I heard you the first twenty or so times, he retorted. I'm not deaf.

I know, I just feel really bad about it.

You feel bad? I just spent the past four hours getting zapped. He said. I can tell you, I did not miss that part of our friendship.

They weren't talking directly because Julianne hadn't actually left the lab yet. Kirchoff was in his private rooms, and Valen had to push himself into a corner to stay close enough to talk to Kirchoff. Also, Kirchoff's bed was apparently on the opposite side of the room from the lab wall, so he was currently laying on top of a counter to get close enough for Valen to be able to communicate, which Valen found very amusing Or at least he would have if he wasn't too busy staring at Julianne. She was still in the lab, standing stock still and staring directly at him. He had tried several times to reach out and touch her mind, but every time he tried he found nothing. Not even the faintest hint of life.

Kirchoff, what exactly is an android? He asked, keeping a close eye on the woman.

An android is like an artificial human, a really good one, Kirchoff explained. Most people can't tell the difference between them and real humans.

And most people can't read minds, Valen responded. She still hasn't left yet.

It's been an hour, what the hell is she waiting for? Kirchoff asked in exasperation.

I hope you're not asking me, he snorted. Because I can't tell and that is bothering me more than I like.

Hopefully she does leave, she's going to make our lives hell if she just sticks around all the time.

I'll keep an eye on her, I will let you know if she does anything.

Julianne eventually did leave 2 hours later, right at 2000 hours according to Kirchoff. As soon as she left Kirchoff rushed right back into the lab and right over to the corner where Valen was curled up in.

He pressed both his hands to the glass and tried to get a better look at Valen. "Are you hurt?"

Well I'm sure not feeling great, he snarked.

That made Kirchoff smile a bit. "Well you're feeling good enough to be sarcastic, so that's good at least."

Valen chuckled, which sounded more like a car tire violently deflating than a real laugh, but it was still enough to put Kirchoff at ease.

"So what do you think of my new assistant," he asked.

Oh she's just delightful! Nothing but helpful and polite.

"Yeah, I agree," he rolled his eyes. "I've eaten oatmeal that was livelier and more pleasant than she was."

I really don't like her Kirchoff. Especially if having her around means I get zapped all the time.

Kirchoff raised his hands. "Hey, I agree. I don't like her any more than you do. Do you think we should try to get rid of her."

How? It would be much easier if I were on that side of the glass, then I could tear her into several separate pieces and use her entrails to redecorate your lab.

"I appreciate the offer, but I'd prefer not to have to smell android guts every time I go to work in the morning."

Do you have any other ideas?

"Not yet, but I'll do my best to think of something."

Try and think of something quickly. I know that's hard for you, but I'd really appreciate it.