A/N:
I just wrote this up today because I needed to give myself a little boost of comedy!
Hope you like this!
Title: Three's a Crowd
Author: MarieCarro
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Bella and Rosalie are roommates and best friends. When the third friend of their BFF trio moves out to live with her boyfriend and her newborn baby, the girls need to find someone new, and it appears that someone just happens to stumble into their laps.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER 4
Bella giggled as she opened the front door, and her spine tingled with excitement and nervousness at having her date standing so close behind her. She relaxed a bit when she held the door up and he entered before her, but something was still churning in her stomach.
She knew what it was.
Edward had been living with her and Rosalie for four months now, and while Bella had kept her infatuation to herself, she hadn't been able to shake it despite the rules she continued to drill into all three of them. She hoped going on a date with another attractive guy would help her.
"This is my place," she said softly as her date, a guy named Garrett, looked the place over.
"It's nice," he complimented but advanced quickly by stepping closer, aiming to kiss her.
Just before their lips met, a humming Edward came out of the kitchen snacking on an apple.
"Hey!" he greeted them enthusiastically with a wide grin, and he hoped the tension he felt didn't show on his face.
"Hi," Bella replied with a hint of annoyance. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugged and gave her a weird look. "I don't know. Live, maybe."
Bella crossed her arms with a pointed look. "I thought you were going out tonight."
"Nope," he said with a clear emphasizes on the 'p'. "I changed my mind." He gestured toward the dude who was awkwardly remaining by the door. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"
"Garrett," Bella started with a sigh. "This is Edward."
"What's up, Garrett?" Edward said politely and offered him a handshake.
Garrett looked between Edward and Bella in confusion and didn't accept Edward's offer. "I thought you said you shared apartment with a girl."
Edward changed his posture into a more feminine one and blinked at Garrett with exaggeration. "She does. We've lived together for a few months now." His voice was pitched higher, and Bella lightly hit him on the arm.
"Stop that." She turned to Garrett. "Sorry. He likes to joke around." Since Bella's back was to him, she didn't see Edward grimace at her comment. "You see, Edward's only visiting … from home!" She put her arm around his waist. "He's my brother."
"What?" Edward asked before he could control himself and Bella pinched him hard in the side. "Ow!" He turned to Garrett. "Right! I'm Bella's brother." The word tasted weird in his mouth.
Garrett looked between them for a second and then nodded to himself. "Yes, I see it now. Nice to meet you!" He finally offered Edward his own handshake, and Edward reluctantly accepted.
As Edward held Garrett's hand in his, he gave him a smirk. "You know, there are people back home who could swear on that Bella and I aren't even related," he said, but he used a tone that made Garrett think he was joking.
"That's strange because you guys really look alike," he said.
"Don't we?" Bella agreed with a tight smile. "Dear brother, come to the kitchen with me for just a second, will you?" She disguised the order as a sweet question and forcefully directed Edward.
However, Edward wasn't done pulling Garrett's leg, and he turned himself and Bella back around. "Hey, remind me to tell you about that time when Bella and I were kids and played doctor with our cousin James, and she right off the bat pulled his underwear down to his ankles and—"
Bella slapped her hand over Edward's mouth to stop him, but luckily, Garrett laughed and didn't notice the pure rage in her eyes. "I said: Kitchen. Now!"
As they rounded the corner, she gave Edward a deadly glare. "Find your own playmates, dude."
Edward chuckled. "Chill, will you? I was just joking a little. You know … like siblings do?" Bella rolled her eyes, but Edward was now determined to get answers. "By the way, why do you suddenly want me as your brother?" He took an obnoxiously large bite of his apple and chewed on it loudly.
A moment passed as their eyes met, and it was clear both of them knew their relationship was far from being platonic or even familial, but they were also scared of complicating something at that stage.
"I don't know," Bella finally said. "I just have a feeling Garrett wouldn't like it if he knew you lived here, too."
"Okay. I guess I'll just tell him how it is then."
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "How what is?"
"That he doesn't have to worry," Edward replied as if it was obvious. "That we're not siblings. That we've been unhappily married for two years and never have sex anymore." He morphed his expression into a miserably sad grimace, but Bella didn't buy into it.
"Just go to Murrey's or—"
Edward stopped her before she got her threat fully out. "Sorry, can't. I have to study. But I promise to stay in my room the entire night."
Bella shook her head vehemently. "Forget it. I know you'll try to sneak a peek through the keyhole."
A smirk danced over Edward's mouth. "Are you saying there's something I might want to peek at?"
"No." His pointed look and wider smile made her uncomfortable. "No! We're just two adults who're gonna have a cup of coffee."
"Wow," Edward said, and while his smile fell, he was dancing with elation on the inside. "Talk about kinky stuff. I think I'm too innocent to listen to this. Are you gonna wear coffee filters on your heads? No, wait! Do you go with or without splendas?"
"Ha ha!" Bella said sarcastically. "Just go to Murrey's. Please? You can take your books with you. I know Felix won't mind. And could you stay away for a few hours?"
Edward sweetly patted her cheek. "Aren't you a little coffee monster, huh?"
"Stop," she said weakly and tried to beat his hands away.
"Huh?" He patted her cheek again.
"No, stop." She finally gave up. "Look, it's the first date, and I don't give out on the first date."
Once again, Edward smirked at her. "You would if it was our first date." He gave her a wink and then exited the kitchen. Bella was stunned by his comment and it took her a second to follow him. "It was nice meeting you, Garrett, but I'm afraid I can't stay. I have to get myself a beer."
"I hope you'll have a nice stay here in the big city," Garrett tried.
"I'm sure I will," Edward said and applied a heavy fake accent from somewhere Bella had no idea. "And you, be careful with my little sis, alright? I know exactly what guys like you want, but I don't want to hear any of it. We're very strict about that in our family. Comprende?" He boxed Garrett on the arm and used a little more force than necessary. Then he put on his jacket and saluted them both before dramatically going out through the front door, leaving Bella and Garrett looking after him in confusion.
Bella looked at Garrett who was massaging his upper arm. "I am so sorry," she told him. "I don't know what that wa—"
Edward barreled through the door again. "Also, Bells here has got seven brothers, and they're all bigger than me. Comprende?" Not able to resist, he boxed Garrett on the arm again—this time he knew he left a bruise—and left.
Bella wound her arms around Garrett's waist and started to nuzzle his neck, hoping it would make him forget the small act of violence Edward had shown him.
A light moan left him, and at that exact moment, Edward came back.
"And one more thing"-he saw their position and turned right back around—"whoopsie. I'll just leave now."
Finally, they were alone.
~~TAC~~
Edward entered Murrey's and was immediately greeted by Fred and Julie.
"Hello, Edward!" Julie waved. After four months, landlords and tenants were finally comfortable enough with each other to be genuinely friendly.
"How's everything, Edward?" Fred asked warmly.
Edward smiled tensely, but not in response to meeting the landlords. He was silently fuming over the fact that Bella was at home doing who knows what with some dude who wasn't him. "Everything's great."
"Life's good?"
"It's good."
"That's perfect." Fred lifted his glass to Edward.
Edward remembered then something he'd meant to bring up with Fred. "Yeah, but you should hear the noise our radiator's making."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it's a constant whistling, rattling, and bubbling. Sounds like Pavarotti's respirator."
Fred nodded to himself. "It needs to be aired out immediately, then."
Julie quickly waved it away. "Sure, but Edward, tell him that he doesn't have to do it tonight."
"Uh, sure. You don't have to do it tonight, Fred. I'm not allowed to stay at home and watch the concert anyway, so..." He gestured that he was heading to the bar and said goodbye to the couple.
Felix greeted him with a fist bump. "Hey, man! What's up?"
"You know, I've been kicked out of the apartment."
"Again?" Felix asked with a laugh. "Didn't Rose kick you out yesterday? Did she get lucky again?"
Edward appreciatively accepted the beer Felix placed in front of him. "It wasn't Rose this time. It was Bella."
"Oh damn." Felix was aware of Edward's attraction for Bella and that it was, in fact, mutual, but not because they'd told him. Felix had just become an expert on human body language after eight years as a bartender. "Who was it?"
"I don't know." Edward shrugged. "Some loser named Garrett."
"You've met him before then?"
"No."
Felix grinned. "Then how do you know he's a loser?"
Edward only gave him a glare over the rim of his glass in response.
"Edward, I need to talk to you!" Rose came up behind him and plopped down in the seat next to him, looking absolutely miserable.
It had only taken Edward about a week to realize that Rose wasn't the kind of girl he could ever be interested in. Sure, she was easy to look at, but if there was nothing familial between him and Bella, there was double the amount between him and Rose. Mostly, he found her to be like a very annoying little sister.
"What's bothering your little overheated brain this time, Rose?" he asked.
"It's Bella," she complained. "She kicked me out. She can't do that, can she?"
Edward rolled his eyes. "But that was exactly what you did to me and Bella last night."
Rose grimaced and tried to defend herself. "That wasn't the same thing. And that just proves it's not the first time this happens."
Not in the mood to argue with her logic, Edward paid for his beer and got off his seat. "C' mon, Rose. Let's go home."
"No, we can't. Bella will be pissed. We just can't."
"I don't care!" Edward exclaimed and felt his own annoyance building up. "This is becoming a problem. Every time you guys bring your boyfriends home you treat me like pest control treats a cockroach. How'd you feel if I brought my girlfriends home all the time and told you to get out?"
Rosalie crossed her arms. "What girlfriends?"
"I date," Edward defended himself. "But that's not the point. You and I are going home right now." He grabbed Rosalie's wrist and refused to let go as he dragged her back to their place.
Next morning at breakfast, Bella was angrily peeling the shell off a boiled egg and taking annoyed little sips of her coffee.
"Bella," Rosalie tried. "About last night—"
"I don't want to talk about it," Bella retorted.
Edward entered the kitchen. "Good morning!"
"She doesn't want to talk about it, okay!?" Rosalie said back through gritted teeth, and Edward held up his hands in surrender even though he hadn't done anything.
"Right." He poured himself some coffee and took notice of Bella's tense shoulders. "Are you still mad about last night?"
"Mad?" Bella asked with a sarcastic laugh. "Why would I be mad? I'm not mad at all that you guys rushed in while Garrett and I were in the middle of a very intimate conversation. Or that you, Edward, suggested that we should attend sexual therapy instead of just talking. I am not mad at all!"
Rosalie looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Bella."
"Yeah, I'm sorry," Edward echoed. "But look, we need to come up with a system or something, 'cause the way we're doing it right now isn't working. I'm sick of being thrown out of my own home every time one of you have a date."
Bella glared at him. "You're making it sound as if I constantly have dates over. You know I don't."
"Okay, fine," he relented. "I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, but I think all three of us would be better off if we just come up with a way to give notice before we invite people here and if there are nights when we absolutely can't bring people here."
"What kind of night would that be?" Rosalie asked.
"Like if I have to study, or Bella have to study, or something like that."
"I guess that doesn't sound half bad," Bella agreed, and the three of them exchanged a look that said all was forgiven, even though it wasn't forgotten.
~~TAC~~
"Hello?"
"I'm in the kitchen!" Edward answered and soon Rose and Bella came around the corner.
"Ooh, what's that smell?" Bella asked and sniffed the air.
Edward lifted the lid of the pot and proudly showcased his creation. "It's veal with chanterelles in a gravy flavored with Napoleon cognac."
Rosalie took a deep breath and savored the aroma, but Bella looked worried.
"You know I appreciate you cooking for us," she started. "But we can't afford to eat such expensive dishes ever night. Especially you since you don't work," she pointed out.
"Thank you for that kick in the gut," he said, but then showed her something on his phone. "Just look at this."
She read the text on the display loudly. "'Young man with fashionable style and education wanted for salesman position.'"
"Sounds like something for me, doesn't it?"
"Sure," Rose said. "You fulfill one of the three criteria being young at least."
"Very funny," Edward retorted.
"Wait, look at this," Bella said who'd continued to look through the site of job ads. "Young man wanted as a model for smaller projects. Twenty-five dollars per hour. Sounds like something you'd be good at."
"You think?" Edward asked with an expression that said he really enjoyed that compliment from her.
Rose took the phone from her. "Totally! It even says 'must be ill-built.'" She grinned evilly at him and gave the phone back.
He read the ad and gave her an unamused look. "It says 'well-built', Rose."
"Oh, that's too bad. I guess that didn't work out for you either." She laughed, and Bella snorted in response to the exchange between her two roommates. It was all fun and games after all.
~~TAC~~
Edward nervously stood in front of the female photographer and looked around the room. "I don't have any real experience for anything like this except for a really good pic in my senior yearbook." He smiled, hoping it would charm her but she just took an unimpressed puff on her cigarette.
"Great."
"Anyway, I really want this model gig, so I'm open for an interview."
"What's your name?" the photographer asked.
"Uh, Edward Cullen."
"Great. Gig's yours."
"It is?" he asked in confusion. It wasn't possible it could be that easy.
She shrugged. "What else am I supposed to do? You're the only one who's shown up. I need to deliver the pictures in an hour, so I'm desperate, dude. I would have given Jack Black the gig if he showed up without having showered for a week."
Edward, just a little bit offended by her comment, huffed. "You really know how to give compliments, don't you?"
"Oh, relax," she threw back. "You're more sensitive than a cyclists ass after Tour de France. Just take your clothes off."
"What?" Edward was completely taken aback and also a little bit worried. "It said in the ad that I'm supposed to model clothes."
The photographer rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "Obviously, but not the clothes you're wearing, Noodlehead."
Edward let out a relieved laugh. "Right. Of course. Where can I change then?"
"Just do it on the couch there and I'll take some test shots in the meantime."
"Do you have to?"
She put out her cigarette. "I don't give a fuck whether you're wearing heart boxer shorts, or a diaper, or have 'Mom' tattooed on your inner thigh, okay? Just do it!"
Edward took his shirt off and tried to not look too awkward, but he was already feeling uncomfortable.
"Can you give me a bit more feeling? Pose a little bit?"
He tried to do as she said, but as the session progressed, her instructions became weirder.
"Pretend to be an animal, like a pit-bull."
"A bison in heat."
Suddenly, she threw a bottle at him. "Put that on."
He looked at the bottle. "Baby oil?"
"Yeah," she said and gave him a no-nonsense expression. "Drench yourself in that and you'll look irresistibly shiny. Coat that washboard and let it dribble down onto the clothing pole."
Edward startled, but it only caused the photographer to snort.
"Don't worry, bae. We'll get women all over the country to drool over this ad."
"B-but I was supposed to model clothes," Edward stammered.
"Oh, you are," she agreed and then grabbed the tiniest piece of underwear Edward had ever seen. "Just imagine how nice the crown jewels will look in that, huh."
Edward smiled shakily.
At home, Bella was dusting in the living room while singing along to Joan Jett's 'Bad Reputation' at the top of her lungs when Edward came through the front door.
"Hey!" she yelled enthusiastically over the music when she saw him and hurried to turn the volume down. "How did the modeling thing go?"
"Awesome," he replied. "So, now I'm a Salesman."
She frowned. "Why? What happened?"
He shook his head. "They wanted me to crawl around wearing only tanga briefs."
Bella perked up. "Really?"
"Yeah," he said incredulously. "The smallest I've ever seen, so I bailed."
"Bailed? Why?" she asked half-serious half-joking.
"How would you react if you saw me in a magazine coated in baby oil only wearing a piece of string in-between my butt-cheeks, huh?" he asked with an amused grin.
She bit her lip to stop herself from saying something she'd regret. Instead, she swallowed. "You sure you want the answer to that question?"
They looked at each other, and suddenly, they both became very aware of the fact that they were alone in the apartment. Not that it was the first time, but the discussion at hand had kind of ignited the inkling of heat between them.
However, Bella knew that Rosalie would come home any second, so she quickly cleared her throat. "Salesman, you say? What are you gonna sell?"
Edward mimicked her throat-clearing. "Books on how to reach success."
"That can't be easy."
"Oh, it'll be a piece of cake. I've got a script and everything. Let me show you." He gestured for them both to stand up, and Bella reluctantly went along with it. "You'll be the customer. C'mon!"
"Don't joke around."
"I'm not. Just go along with it."
"Fine."
Edward imitated a knock, and Bella teased him by pretending to look through the peephole.
"What are you doing?"
"What? I'm checking who it is. This is a dangerous neighborhood."
"Knock it off. You're throwing me off. Just play along." He imitated a knock again, and Bella pretended to open a door. "Good day, ma'am. What an absolutely stunning Chesterfield suite you've got there!"
Bella blinked in total bewilderment. "What?"
Edward showed her the script. "It says so right here. It teaches us to step-by-step how to handle every situation and the 'Chesterfield' was just an example."
"O-kay. Uuh, c' mon in and have a seat in my stunning chesterfield couch, I guess."
"Thank you, ma'am!" They sat down and Edward gave her his toothiest smile. "Hi, there!"
"Hello."
Edward froze when he realized he'd forgotten his next line. "Uh, hold on." He looked at the script, and then went back into the smiling salesman character. "Hi, there!"
"Hello," Bella repeated skeptically.
"I'm certain, that you, just like us, know that the key to success is—"
Bella threw her arms around his neck. "My husband was deployed at sea eighteen months ago!" she wailed dramatically.
Edward knew she was trying to throw him off, but he tried to get the line out anyway. "Yes, the key to success—"
"I'm so alone." She gave him a mockingly hungry look. "And so horny."
"The key..." Edward's voice was going up in falsetto when Bella got a little bit too much into her own character and licked his cheek. "Uuh, Bella, you have to stop."
She leaned away. "What do you mean 'stop'? You said you were taught how to handle every situation. So handle it!" She started to slowly drag her hand up his leg while humming cheerily, and Edward frantically started to look through the script.
When Bella's hand was getting dangerously close to a certain area, Edward couldn't hold back any longer, and he threw the script over his shoulder only to capture Bella's mouth with his and positioning himself on top of her on the couch.
A/N:
So, that ending's something I think a lot of you have been waiting for. Do you think something something will happen? Or will something block them? Will they be caught?
What do you think? xD