The Krusty Krab, the summer of 2008…

After Spongebob rang the serving bell for the fourth time, Squidward growled in annoyance and grabbed it.

"I heard you the first time!" he yelled only to be stabbed in the left eye by Spongebob's spatula.

"Okay, good! Cuz these two Krabby Patties are-!" Spongebob exclaimed but was cut off by Squidward's screams of agony.

Alarmed, Spongebob jerked back. "Uh, I'm so sorry, Squidward!"

Squidward's left eye turned purple and swelled up, shutting it tight. The octopus turned red and started literally fuming as he glared at his sheepish coworker.

"Spongebob? Can I ask you something?" he asked in a faux-calm tone.

"Yes?" Spongebob gulped.

"What's that?"

"My spatula?"

"And why is your spatula on your nose?" he continued as he flicked said spatula.

Spongebob's eyes filled up with tears and he started sobbing. "Oh, Squidward, it's awful! My spatula got stuck on the ceiling, so I stacked a bunch of crates to reach it, but it was stuck tight and I tried desperately to get it out but then-"

Squidward pinched his lips, shutting him up.

"The short version, Spongebob." He barely contained his growing frustration. "Why is your spatula on your nose and not in your hand?"

Sobbing, Spongebob showed him the splinter jabbed in his thumb. "That's why, Squidward!" he wailed overdramatically.

"A splinter?" Squidward's face fell, his tone going back to his usual monotone.

"Yes, a splinter!" Spongebob wept. "Oh, Squidward, this is awful! I can't do anything with that darn thing stuck in my thumb, I can't even flip patties!"

"Pulling it out never crossed your mind?" Squidward deadpanned.

"I have tried, but it won't come out and it hurts so much!" Spongebob's face collapsed on the window desk as he continued sobbing.

Without another word, Squidward seized him by the wrist.

"What are you doing?" Spongebob looked up and gasped as he saw Squidward trying to pull it out. "No, no, Squidward! Please don't!" he desperately tried to pull his arm free but to no avail. "Please don't, it hurts too much!" He shut his eyes fearfully.

Squidward grabbed the splinter and plucked it out of Spongebob's thumb like it was nothing, and then dropped it in a nearby trashcan.

Spongebob opened his eyes and saw that the splinter was gone. "It's gone!" he beamed.

"Yes, it's gone, you big baby." Squidward lamented. "Now get back to flipping those patties before Krabs fires us both!"

Spongebob leaped out of the window and embraced the octopus around his head. "Oh, thank you, thank you, Squidward! You're a real lifesaver!"

Squidward fumed angrily. The only reason he had done this was because he knew from experience that if something was wrong with Spongebob at work and he couldn't do his job properly, disaster would ensue and Squidward would ALWAYS suffer the brunt of it.

Patrick suddenly entered the Krusty Krab, dressed as a doctor and carrying a medical kit.

"Worry not, Spongebob, Dr. Patrick is here to save the day!" he proclaimed as he walked up to the cash register.

Spongebob let go of Squidward. "Ah, Patrick, you got my call? Don't worry, false alarm, the splinter was no big deal." He laughed happily and showed the sea star his now splinter-free thumb. "See, Squidward took care of that!"

"Oh, Spongebob, there is no need to fret and hide your grievous injury." Patrick smugly insisted. "You know ol' Dr. Patrick knows what he's doing."

"But Patrick, it really isn't necessary?" Spongebob tried to explain but Patrick tuned him out and pulled something out of his medical kit. Spongebob and Squidward both filched as they saw him holding a giant pair of pliers.

"Idiot, get that thing away from me!" Squidward cried fearfully.

"Don't worry, Squidward, I'm a professional, and I'll treat your shiner after I'm done with Spongebob." Patrick assured him. "Now, Spongebob, just show me where your splinter is and it won't hurt a bit."

"Excuse me, son? What are you doing?" an olive-colored fish in an orange sweater interrupted their conversation, eyeing Patrick suspiciously.

"Excuse you. I'm Dr. Patrick Star and you, sir, are currently interrupting a very delicate procedure." Patrick huffed with an air of superiority.

"Doctor?" the fish rubbed his chin. "Aren't you the fat slob who frequents this place all the time, mind showing me some ID?"

"Pffft….I'm not one of those quacks working at the hospital. I'm a freelance doctor, a free, independent spirit. I do things my way."

"So you're saying you have no degree, no medical license and that you're a fraud who I assume operates in some dimly-lit back alley clinic?"

"That's ridiculous!" Patrick said indignantly. "I'll have you know that I mostly operate under my unsanitary rock home unless my patient specifically asks me to meet them in an alley."

By the time he had finished that sentence, he realized his hands had been cuffed.

"Yeah, yeah, you can tell the rest to the judge, tubby!" the fish showed him his police badge.

"No, not that flatfoot again!" Mr. Krabs panicked and closed the door to his office. He grabbed a bag of…something from his desk and made his getaway through his porthole window.

"But why?!" Patrick cried as he was being led away. Spongebob gasped, but Squidward smiled gleefully.

"Because impersonating a doctor is illegal." The officer told him the blatantly obvious before shaking his head. "How has this hotbed of crime not been shut down yet?"

"Spongebob, help me!" Patrick pleaded to his best friend. "Don't let them take me to the hoosegow!"

Squidward rubbed his tentacles with glee. "Oh, this will make the remaining six hours of grueling work SO worth it!"

"Don't worry, Patrick! I'll pay for your bail!" Spongebob called out to the sea star. "Again!"

Cue a zoom-out shot of the Krusty Krab.

"And ze mairal of zis stairy, childrén, eez zat if you gét a big bubbu, don't bé ashamed to ask yur friends fair 'elp."

"Also, don't impairsonate doctairs, because zat eez eehlegal."

Spongebob episodes work a lot better if karma strikes the character that deserves it. And after what Patrick did to Spongebob (a.k.a make his problem ten times worse through sheer stupidity), he really had this coming. And yes, that is the same cop from "The Krusty Sponge". He seems to be one of the few competent ones in Bikini Bottom.