Sandy's Chamber of Shrinkage Lab, the summer of 2005…..
"Are you sure this is safe?" a worried Squidward, dressed in a hospital gown and sitting on an operating table, asked Sandy, who had just come back with food and supplies for her dangerous trip to recover the pointy thing at the end of the clarinet that got jammed in the octopus's throat this morning.
One guess as to who was responsible for this accident.
"Don't be a worrywart, Squidward." The Texan squirrel said with unbridled confidence while pretending to steer a wheel. "As long as sumone competent is drivin'."
Squidward tried to reply, only to make random clarinet noise.
"Can ya repeat that?"
"Why don't you just use your shrink ray to shrink the reed?" the octopus asked before making more clarinet noises.
Sandy laughed and punched him in the arm playfully. "Oh, Squidward, this would one short and borin' episode if ah did dat?"
"Great…." Squidward grumbled while rubbing his sore arm.
"Now ah'm all set and ready ta go. Ya jus' relax and wait for thuh sedative, by thuh taahm ya wake up, ya'll be back t' normal."
"And where's Spongebob, if I dare ask?"
"Oh, 'es guradin' thuh submarine." Sandy explained, but upon seeing Squidward's mortified reaction, she added. "But don't fret, ah 'ave 'im on surveillance." She pushed a remote and the computer screen showed Spongebob marching back and forth in front of the shrinking submarine.
"See, ah done planned for everythin'." Sandy folded her arms.
"But what about Patrick hijacking your submarine?!" Squidward cried and pointed at the screen.
"Patrick?!" Sandy looked back and gasped.
"Patrick, I'm not sure we should be meddling with Sandy's stuff." Spongebob fidgeted indecisively.
"Spongebob, Spongebob." Patrick shook his head. "It's me, your best pal Patrick that you're talking to? When did I ever steer you wrong?"
Cue a montage of still images involving incidents where Patrick steered Spongebob wrong. These include:
Spongebob suffocating and drying up in Sandy's dome, while Patrick cheers him on from the outside.
Spongebob running in fear with an angler hook and line attached to his pants.
An angry mob, including Sandy, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Mrs. Puff, Larry, Pearl and Flats chasing Spongebob and Patrick on the moon.
A giant, bestial Sandy roaring and holding a terrified Spongebob and Patrick in her giant paws.
Spongebob as an overworked housewife, in a dress and with hair curlers, holding Junior and doing a dozen other chores with his extra arms, while Patrick is asleep in the background on the armchair with an empty beer can in hand. This one is accompanied by a wolf whistle.
"I guess you're right. Why did I ever doubt you?" Spongebob, being easily persuaded, grew a smile.
"Awesome! Now let's guard it from the inside!" Patrick cheered. No sooner did he say that, as lasso was thrown over him, tying his arms to his body.
"Jus' where do ya think ya're going?" Sandy came, holding the other end of the lasso.
"Oh, Sandy? Patrick just suggested that it would be more effective to guard your shrinking submarine from the inside." Spongebob smiled obliviously.
Sandy gave him an unamused look. "Spongebob, that pink creatin ain't settin' one foot on maah submarine, no suhrre!
"Why not?" Patrick complained childishly.
Sandy's glare intensified. "Does "Sandy's rocket" ring any bells?"
"Ohhhh…." Spongebob deflated and blushed ashamedly. He chuckled sheepishly. "Well, on the upside, that little incident did teach me that you can grind anorthosite into rocket fuel?"
Sandy didn't see what was so funny about that fiasco, and her glare made sure Spongebob knew that.
Spongebob fiddled with his fingers. "Patrick, I think Sandy might have a point?"
"No fair! Who died and made her boss?" Patrick whined.
"Maybe because this is maah stuff, and ah need this here submaraahn for a delicate operation?" Sandy rolled her eyes.
"And why can't we come with you?" Patrick pouted.
"Because ya two, especially you Patrick, are huge liabilities." Sandy said bluntly.
"Pffftt…" Patrick looked back at Spongebob. "Look at her? Ordering us and using big words like she's some kind of scientist?"
Sandy had enough of this tomfoolery and gave Patrick the boot. He was hurled out of the treedome and landed face-first into a field of sand.
He got up, with his mouth full of sand. He swallowed the huge lump of sand and groaned happily.
"Mmmmm…this stuff tastes great!" Patrick immediately forgot being denied to play around with Sandy's latest invention and dropped down on his belly, suddenly holding a spoon and small plate with some sand on it, which he proceeded to eat like a sundae.
As he did that, the camera slowly panned back towards the treedome.
"And zo Sandy went on herr pairilous jurnéy to retrieve the littell pointay théng at ze end of a clairinet from Squidward's throat. Through comedic 'appénstance, Spongebob ended up as a stowawai on herr submarine. Together, the duo 'ad an amazeng adventuair, fraught wiv pairil and 'ilairious 'ijinks, ensuréng zat zis satiyaire of Le Voyage Fantastique would go down in Spongebob 'eestairy as a fan-favairité. The faireign object was succezfullee removed from Squidward's throat, but not befaire ze octopus was subjected to eight minutes of slapstik comedy zat caused 'im griévous bodi-lee 'arm, and evairyone lived 'appilee evair aftair!"
Talk about wasted potential. A parody of "Fantastic Voyage" in cartoon form practically writes itself. But then they had to toss Patrick into the plot, just so he can ruin it. They had a great set-up here, but then screwed the pooch the minute they decided to make Patrick's stupidity the driving force of the plot. If it had been Spongebob and Sandy going on this voyage, I bet you the episode would have worked a lot better and would be remembered a lot more fondly, probably being ranked among other Season 4 greats like "Dunces and Dragons", "Skill Crane", "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture", "Krusty Towers", etc.
Seriously, people. Instead of writing more superfluous Spandy fics, how about you try and write an "original flavor" alternate version of "Squidtastic Voyage" without Patrick? Take up that creative writing challenge!