The Krusty Krab, the autumn of 2007…

Today was a special day in Bikini Bottom, and all of Spongebob's friends were very excited, with the predictable exception of one big-nosed octopus. Said friends had gathered in front of the Krusty Krab, which was filled with patrons, though today, they weren't here for Krabby Patties.

"I see you have a full house? I trust all is set and ready?" Harold Squarepants asked with a chipper smile.

"You bet, Mr. Squarepants! This will be one surprise party that will knawk his sawks off!" Sandy pumped her fist.

"I spared no expense. Th' lad is such a hard worker, he deserves only th' best expired birthday cake money can buy." Mr. Krabs insisted.

Harold chuckled. "Only the best for my boy. He's growing up so fast." He said proudly.

"Ye said it." Mr. Krabs said nostalgically. "Feels like 'twas only yesterday th' lad started workin' at th' Krusty Krab."

"That was eight years ago, Krabs." Squidward deadpanned.

"So you folks ready for the greatest party in Bikini Bottom history!" Sandy exclaimed.

"PARTY!" Patrick cheered.

"Nobody par-tays like ol' Eugene Krabs!" Krabs added, utterly clueless about how outdated that slang was.

"Yeah, I'm not really in a partying mood." Squidward said unenthusiastically. "So if you don't mind-"

"Glad to hear that, Mr. Squidward!" Krabs happily shoved two trays with cocktail weenies and deviled eggs into his tentacles. "Somebody's gotta do the catterin'. And all those caterin' companies are crooks!"

Squidward's brow dropped into a morose scowl and he grumbled unintelligibly while seething and shaking with anger.

"Now remember, Patrick?" Harold placed his hand on the tubby starfish's shoulder and reminded him of the final step of their plan. "You just need to go over to my son's house and bring him here for his surprise birthday party. You think you can do that?"

Patrick blinked with confusion. "Your son? I thought I was supposed to bring Spongebob here?"

Harold blinked as well, dumbfounded. "Eh…yes, Spongebob. That's who I was talking about. You're supposed to bring Spongebob here. But remember, don't spoil the surprise."

"I'm pretty sure Krabs's cake already accomplished that." Squidward said sardonically.

"Oh, no problem! I'll fetch Spongebob in no time!" Patrick ran off, laughing stupidly, when an irate Sandy grabbed him by the arm and pointed in the opposite direction.

"Spongebob's house is that way. Remember, raaght next t' yurs?"

"Oh, right! Thanks, Sandy!" Patrick ran off towards Conch Street, once again laughing like a moron.

Harold grew a worried expression. "Maybe we should have sent someone else? I think this might be too much for the boy?"

Sandy slapped his shoulder and reassured him, "Doncha worry, Mr. S. Ah gave that barnacle-head an instruction so doggone simple, it's not only fool-proof, it's Patrick-proof."

Patrick arrived at his best friend's home in a few minutes and spotted the sponge struggling to close his comically bloated mailbox, which was jam-packed with small pieces of cardboard, 99 to be precise.

"Hello, Spongebob? Got any mail?" he greeted him idly.

"Oh, hello, Patrick." Spongebob replied as he finally closed the mailbox and it shrank to its regular size. "Nah, I just mailed a few cereal box tops, says I'll win a free prize if I do."

"A prize?" Patrick said in a giddy tone. "That's awesome! What kind of prize?"

The fact that Patrick had completely forgotten his mission at this point should go without saying.

Spongebob shrugged. "Dunno, guess I'll have to wait and see. Now, have you-"

"Do you think it's a year's supply of nachos?"

"I dunno, Pat." Spongebob replied before looking away impishly. "Now, did you want to take me-"

"Or maybe a pogo stick?"

"Patrick." Spongebob cleared his throat. "Didn't you come here to ask me if I would accompany you somewhere?"

"Somewhere? Where?" the starfish asked with a blank expression.

"To the Krusty Krab?" Spongebob clarified, hoping to jog his memory.

"Ehhhh…." Patrick looked at him, slack-jawed.

Spongebob smile faltered. "To the Krusty Krab, Pat? Y'know, maybe because something is going on there, like right now?"

"Ehhhhh…." We zoom in and get a look inside Patrick's empty cranium as two cables connect, causing a spark.

"Oh, yeah? Right?" Patrick drawled. He was supposed to bring Spongebob there? Why though?

Patrick scratched his head. Why did he come to Spongebob again? He looked at his best bud, who, at least from Patrick's braindead point of view, looked like he was demanding an answer. But Patrick couldn't give him one, and it made him nervous.

"Yeah, the Krusty Krab? Because….eh…because…" the starfish was starting to sweat.

"Patrick…" Spongebob offered a smile "…we can go now-"

"No! Don't tell me!" Patrick was sweating bullets. "I know why we're going there. Eh…it was…eh…"

He suddenly noticed some writing on the palm of his right hand and squinted, trying to read it. Out loud, that is.

"Eh…..taaaake…Spongebob to Krusty…Kraaaaa….aaab? Don't spooooil….his sur….saaar…priseee part…yyyy? Stuuuuuuu….uuuuu…..eh…stuuuuuu…..pid?"

Spongebob sighed tiredly, his nose dropping. "Yes, so why don't we go to my surprise birthday party then?"

A second later, he realized his slip-up. "Fishpaste!"

Now Patrick remembered. "Oh, no!" He looked at his friend regretfully and clutched his head. "I wasn't supposed to tell you that!"

He buried his face into his hands and started weeping. "I ruined the surprise!"

"Wow, take it easy, Patrick." Spongebob told him gently. "You didn't spoil anything."

"I didn't?" Patrick sniffed.

"Of course not, I knew about this party all along." Spongebob shrugged. "I wasn't sure if it would be held at the Krusty Krab, but that seemed like the most obvious place."

"You knew? But how?" Patrick asked, utterly bewildered.

The sponge gave him an odd look. "Pat? It's my birthday?" he pointed at himself, giving a befuddled smile. "I know when my own birthday is. I mean, what kind of a barnacle-head would forget the date of his own birth, am I right?" he chuckled.

Patrick chuckled in agreement. "Of course. Everyone knows their birthday? Like me? Mine is on….eh…?"

"Juuu…" Spongebob tried to help him.

"June?"

"July." Spongebob explained. "July the…"

"Ehhhh…" Patrick started sweating again, his mind struggling to access that info.

Spongebob sighed and grabbed his hand. "Never mind, we'll talk about this later. Let's not miss my own birthday party!"

"But how is it going to be a surprise if you already know about it?" Patrick looked worried.

"I'll just pretend to be surprised, like every year." Spongebob shrugged.

"You can do that?"

"Sure you can. Now let's go!" The two best friends skipped towards the Krusty Krab, still holding hands.

"But what about your prize?" Patrick remembered.

Spongebob laughed. "What about it? Not like my mailbox is gonna grow legs and run away?"

Seven hours later….

It was nighttime, and Spongebob and Patrick returned to Conch Street, laughing and cheering, wearing party hats and throwing confetti everywhere, with their hands over each other's back, dragging a lifeless Squidward along, who was ensnared in the middle of it, and was also wearing a party hat and had a noisemaker in his mouth. He involuntarily blew it.

"That was the greatest party ever!" Spongebob exclaimed.

"You can say that again! Happy birthday, Spongebob!" Patrick agreed.

"Yeah, yeah, happy birthday." Squidward threw his party hat away and staggered to his house, grumbling, "Another year older, but he's still the same."

"Awww….thanks, Squidnator!" Spongebob waved goodbye to him as he closed his door.

He sighed. "He's such a considerate friend, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he sure is." Patrick agreed, before yawning. "Man, I'm pooped."

Spongebob yawned too. "Yeah, me too. Well, better get some shut eye, eh?"

"Yeah."

The two parted ways, waving to each other.

"Goodnight!"

"Sleep tight!"

"Don't let the bed urchins bite!"

Passing by his mailbox, Spongebob halted. "Wait? My prize?" he remembered.

"Oh, yeah!" Patrick turned back. "You think it's here?"

"Only one way to find out!" Spongebob opened the mailbox and sure enough, there was a small package in it.

"It's here!" Spongebob beamed with excitement.

"Well, don't just stand there! Open it!" Patrick urged him, just as excited.

Spongebob did as he was told, and he found…..a small green and purple kid's toy.

Spongebob and Patrick's exuberant smiles soon turned into disappointed frowns.

"That's it?" Patrick asked.

"Yeah? I guess?" Spongebob replied.

"It's kinda lame?" Patrick said.

"Yeah….it's…not much to look at?" Spongebob had to admit.

"Maybe you can use it as a paperweight?" Patrick suggested.

"Yeah, I did eat all those cereal boxes for it." Spongebob replied, before letting out a big burp. "I'd be kind of a waste to throw it away now."

But Spongebob smiled again. It was just a silly toy. No big whoop. And he just had an awesome birthday party with all of his friends.

"Well, see you tomorrow, Pat." The two parted ways again and waved. "Sleep tight."

"You too, buddy." Patrick replied. "And happy birthday!"

Dear god….. "Waiting". A short that somehow gained a fair bit of infamy among the season 5 episodes, and for good reason. Honestly, I remember watching season 5 as a kid and even then, the episodes just felt….off too me. They didn't give me the same kind of joy as the first four seasons, instead, they tended to either have no impact on me, or left me feeling anything but happy. "Waiting" is a prime example of the latter. Despite its short runtime, it managed to incorporate a lot of things I despise about season 5. It's boring, while simultaneously being annoying, Spongebob acts like an idiot, a petulant manchild and gets obsessive over something so trivial and meaningless and for no good reason, even by Spongebob standards.

And the short is surprisingly mean-spirited. I mean, all the moments where Spongebob acts like a hostile jerk towards Patrick, and Gary, and Sandy, they all just left a bad taste in my mouth. Especially the moment with Sandy. The way Spongebob flips her over and yells at her, it was just hard to watch, and it came out of nowhere. Then there's the fact that Spongebob somehow missed his own birthday party, which happened for five seconds off-screen? And nobody bothered to bring him there? As bad as "Party Pooper Pants" was, at least they gave us a reason why the guests didn't notice Spongebob's absence. It was an incredibly stupid one (apparently they all thought the ice sculpture in the punch bowl was the real deal?), but at least it was something. And why is Spongebob acting like such a jerkwad here? Because he's waiting for the mailman to deliver him a McDonalds toy?

The sad thing is, I don't think this barebone plot was unsalvageable (unlike something like "To Love a Patty" or "Demolition Doofus"). After all, many of the classic episodes from the Hillenburg era had incredibly simplistic plots, with the meat of it being the comedy. If Hillenburg and his original crew had worked on this episode, I could see it turning out as a very funny episode, not a short but a full-blown 11-minute episode! With better characterization and stronger jokes, yes, defiantly. But this is season 5, the season that somehow made an episode about the Wild West boring as tar, so this incredibly dumb and hokey, not to mention mean-spirited short was about as fun as the sum of its parts.