Pachy's home, the autumn of 2009…

"Ahoy, kids!" Patchy the Pirate (just Tom Kenny in a cheap pirate costume) popped up on screen.

"It's me! Patchy the Pirate, Spongebob's number one fan!" he proclaimed while holding up a foam hand with the title "1# SPONGEBOB FAN"

"And I'm here to announce the latest, greatest Spongebob special, "Truth or Square"! But this ain't no ordinary special, buccaneers! It's Spongebob's 10th anniversary! That's right! Today we are celebratin' ten years of Spongebob Squarepants!"

We cut to grainy stock footage of hordes of sailors cheering, along with footage of fireworks exploding, intercut with Patchy jumping and falling his arms in joy, all scored by Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

"I know, right!" Patchy was beyond giddy and blew a noise maker as confetti flew around him. "I can't believe it's been ten years of Spongebob!"

"From its humble beginings in 1999 as just another Nick toon, Spongebob rose up to be one of the most beloved cartoons of all time! Touchin' the hearts of millions, young and old alike and stickin' it to all the naysayers who said it would never catch on! And now, we're celebratin' its tenth university with the greatest Spongebob episode ever made!"

"There's goin' to be HUMOR!" As usual, these statements were presented by title cards.

"DRAMA!"

"CELEBRETY GUESTS!"

"And….." Patchy was shaking, he could barely contain his excitement "….BIG REVELATIONS!"

"Squawk! No, there won't. Special stinks." Potty flew in on his strings, much to Patchy's chagrin.

"Oh, always the life of the party, ain't ye, Potty?" the pirate snarked at him petulantly while gesturing at the camera. "This isn't the time for petty squabbles, ye birdbrain! It's time for celebration! To celebrate ten years of Spongebob!"

"No, it ain't. I read the script. "Truth or Square" blows." Potty retorted. "Didn't you? Or are you in denial?"

"As a matter of fact, I haven't!" Patchy huffed indignantly. "I was just about to do that before you so rudely interrupted me!"

Just then, a tall, gray-haired man in a business suit and with a suitcase appeared (played by Clancy Brown of course). He held up a script.

"Ah, there ye are!" Patchy beamed before leaning towards the camera and whispering. "This scurvy dog is a liaison. He's the middle man between me and the bigwigs runnin' Nickelodeon, and he's got me script!"

"Yes, you need to read it now. We're shooting your scenes in two hours, so hurry up." The suit said in his deep, booming voice. "We have a deadline to release this thing by early November."

Patchy took a peek and grew excited. "Wow? LeBron James? Pink? The legendary Robin Williams?! I had no idea so many big names loved Spongebob! Ye fellas sure spared no expenses?"

"You joking?" the suit chortled. "They don't care about this show. We had to fight tooth and nail to get them. They all drove a hard bargain but eventually settled on various deals. That James guy wasn't willing to come though, so we'll just shoot his scene from his home."

"Oh, ye mean he's goin' to show up in one of those random, life-action mad-lips cameos Spongebob is known for?"

"Eh…no, you're going to have a conversation with him over the phone. We haven't really written any dialogue for you two yet, best you just improvise some on the spot. That will do."

"Me?" Patchy looked confused. "Where's that goin' to fit in? Why, me segments are just fun little intros and outros, I don't want to steal the spotlight from the real star of the show."

"You won't." the suit said disingenuously. "But we figured that if we film a few more live-action scenes with you at Nickelodeon Studio, we could save a few bucks."

"Oh…eh…okay then, I guess a few extra scenes with me wouldn't hurt. As long as the focus remains on Spongebob." Patchy said naively before growing excited again. "But who's Robin Williams goin' to play? He was brilliant as the Genie! The man was made for animation. What's his character's name?"

"He has none. He'll be in a scene with you, as himself." The suit explained.

"Wut? But what about Pink? Is she goin' to sing a big animated music number like when Lux Interior did "Underwater Sun"?"

"Eh…sort of. We thought about just filming her and some unpaid interns in pirate costumes against a greenscreen. Animation is pricey." The suit dismissed him and was ready to leave. "Just read the script, or don't. Nobody will care about the dialogue."

"What? Sure they will." Patchy followed him. "The dialogue in Spongebob is crucial for its humor! This is Spongebob's ten year anniversary, the humor will of course be top-notch! Why…" he laughed awkwardly "….you're actin' as if nobody put any thought into this script?"

"Thought?" the suit turned around, looking genuinely amused. "It's a dumb cartoon for brainless kids, you chucklehead! Nobody cares about the writing. The little brats will laugh and clap their hands as long as you give them colorful animation and some goofy antics."

"What?" Patchy was flustered. "That's not Spongebob! This show is a paragon of comedic perfection! It has fans from every age group imaginable. Young or old, everyone keeps Spongebob close to their hearts. It's an icon beloved by many!"

"You're amusing." The suit chuckled as he grabbed the door knob. "But quality is optional, getting views is a priority."

"Optional?" Patchy was beyond baffled. "How is quality optional? Don't you care about it?"

"As if!" the suit laughed, opening the door. "Nobody cares about quality, we only care about raking in the doe. Those morons who are glued to their idiot boxes? The fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap gimmicks and lazy celebrity cameos tears no skin off our noses." He let out a chortling laugh nigh-identical to that of a certain penny-pinching crustacean as he closed the door, leaving Patchy stupefied.

"What a jerk." Potty squawked. "Told you."

"Oh, hush up!" Patchy dismissed him. "He's just tryin' to pull me leg. I'm sure this script will be brilliant!" he held it up with a wide grin, shaking with anticipation.

"Oh, I can't wait to read it! This will be the greatest moment of me life!"

One disappointing read later…..

Patchy was sitting on his armchair, legs and arms sprawled out, the script was handing form his right hand and soon fell out. He sported a frozen, slack-jawed expression as Potty flew towards him.

"That's it?" he said in utter disbelief. "That's the big ten year anniversary? Spongebob and co bein' stuck in the air ducts while most of the special focuses on me derpin' around Nick Studio with random celebrities and actin' like a demented creeper?!"

"Squawk! What a rip-off!"

Patchy growled, his face turned red and steam blew from his ears. "Spongebob betrayed us!"

He ran over to a wall of framed SpongeBob pictures and began tearing them down, while sobbing, "I'm sorry I ever started this stupid fan club in the first place!"

He continued by running into his SpongeBob merchandise filled bedroom and started throwing everything to the floor. "I'm gonna get rid of all my SpongeBob stuff! All of it! All of it!"

"All of it!" finally, he used his hook to pull out his Spongebob boxers out of his pants, before rushing towards the front door.

"I'm gonna run away; that's what I'll do, run away!" Patchy sobbed and slammed the door shut, and his cries continued to be heard from outside, growing fainter.

Potty was left alone. "Squawk. I feel ya, man."

Now we awkwardly transition to the end of the Spongebob segment….

As the Krusty Krabs' eleventy-seventh anniversary was drawing to a close, Eugene H. Krabs, the owner of Bikini Bottom's favorite dinner, watched proudly as his customers were enjoying their patties and his most loyal employee, Spongebob, who had singlehandedly saved said anniversary from being a total disaster, was serving up more patties.

"Nothin' warms this ole sailor's heart like seein' everythin' workin' out in the end, especially fer me. Plankton's been foiled once more 'n I made tons of MONEY! We can officially declare our eleventy-seventh anniversary a success!" Mr. Krabs proclaimed and uttered his chortled pirate laugh.

"And t' think…" He elbowed Squidward, who was leaning against the counter. "….I almost thought we'd be stuck in the air ducts fer all eternity, slowly wastin' away 'til we be reduced t' skeletons while all me loyal customers left without spendin' a single penny."

Krabs paused and shuddered at the thought. The thought of not earning a single nickel, the death thing he could live with. "It really was terrifyin'."

"Being stuck with you, Spongebob and Patrick for all eternity? Yup, definitely terrifying." Squidward deadpanned, leaning against the counter. "Say? How did you teleport yourself back to us through a flashback?"

"I dunno?" Krabs shrugged. "But it sure was a good thing I did it when I did. That Spongebob was about t' divulge me most important trade secret to me nemesis, the silly lad must 'ave been runnin' low on oxygen in those ducts." Yes, I know they live under water, but the show tends to forget that.

"Yeah, what's even in that secret formula of yours?" Squidward asked idly. "I mean, you and Spongebob literally circled the globe, barreling through jungles, deserts and even frigid mountain ranges just to make sure nobody was following you before you told that nitwit what the formula was? What's so special about it?"

In response, Krabs uttered a hearty laugh and slapped Squidward on the back. "Squidward, Squidward." He shook his head. "Ye jus' showed us why I'm the successful restaurant proprietor, while ye be the lowly, underpaid cashier."

Squidward scowled indignantly. "What are you getting at?"

"Ye 'ave forgotten wha' I told ye a long time ago, back when ye first came workin' fer me?"

"What? To always wrap the buns in plastic so they won't go stale?" Squidward asked.

"No, no. That the secret formula be…. "love"." Krabs winked to him. "I said the same thing t' Spongebob the day I shared me most trusted secret wit' 'im."

"Love?" Squidward gave him a scrutinizing glare. "What does that have to do with making Krabby Patties? Why, that's the kind of vapid, scatterbrained moral platitude I'd expect to hear from Spongebob?"

"Exactly! It means nothin'?" Krabs shrugged and laughed. "And that's the point. Spongebob believes it wholeheartedly, the lad thinks that's the key t' makin' a perfect patty, but it's all hogwash. Barnacle. Absolute nonsense."

Squidward blinked in confusion. This made no sense? Had Krabs finally gone senile?

Sensing the cephalopod's confusion, Krabs elaborated. "There is no "secret formula", lad. It's all a ruse, a sham! An ingenious ploy t' get as many gullible idiots flockin' into me galley 'n buyin' me patties."

"Okay?" Squidward cocked an eyebrow. "I'm confused?"

"Me Krabby Patties are just that. Regular patties." Krabs was suddenly holding a patty. He then ate it and swallowed it. "Plain ole burgers made from sea cow mincemeat. The same ones served at any other fast-food joint."

"But if that's the case, why is everyone acting like yours are so much tastier than any other and why are all these nimrods so addicted to them?" Squidward inquired, still not following his boss. "And…and what about that bottle in your safe containing-"

"That?" Krabs laughed. "That's jus' a dud. A piece o' paper wit' gibberish written on it. After all these years, Plankton is still none the wiser."

"In fact, I oftentimes swap the "formula" on a whim. Remember that time he invaded the Krusty Krab wit' his army o' hillbilly cousins? Good thing the fake formula in me safe at the time was the one that claimed that plankton were the "secret ingredient". I messed wit' 'im good!" Krabs clutched his belly, as he busted a gut laughing at the fond memory.

"But…but…" Squidward was stunned. "But if there's no formula, then why are you allowing Plankton to try and steal it? Why do all of these people…."

Krabs put his arm around Squidward and pulled him closer, whispering to him while sporting a smug smile. "It's all about marketin', Mr. Squidward. That's how ye get ahead in life, I create all this lore surroundin' me fabled Krabby Patty through mere word o' mouth without havin' so spend a nickle, this enticin' mystery, this intrigue that ensnares all these gullible minds in front of us. It's simple psychology really. If they be dead-convinced that me patties are special, that they be Neptune's culinary gift t' us, a delicacy no one else can replicate, then so are thar taste buds. Ye see wha' ye believe 'n ye taste wha' ye believe. It's the key t' branding, t' convince yer customers o' the lies ye be sellin' 'em."

"So the Krabby Patty formula is nothing more than a lie?" Squidward was besides himself.

Krabs nodded with a smile.

"But Plankton?"

"He is helpin' me elevate the Krabby Patty lore t' a mythical status. He doesn't do it knowingly of course. Me secret formula be so sacred 'n so well-guarded that not even a criminal mastermind like the nefarious Sheldon J. Plankton can get his hands on it. But that's smart business fer ye. Ye trick gullible chumps into doin' the grunt work fer ye; make 'em help ye while they be trying t' destroy ye. If that's not poetic irony I don't know what is."

"But…but what about that story you and him told us? How your tried to start your own business as kids but then had an argument-"

"Ha! That? The idiot made his food from chum. Anything's goin' t' taste like fine cuisine compared t' chum products." Krabs laughed before tapping his head. "Bein' the savvy young entrepreneur I always was, I merely used that opportunity t' create momentum."

Squidward put his tentacles on his hips. Now it all added up. "So you're saying you're nothing more than a fraud?"

"Ah-ah-ah…" Krabs wiggled his pincher patronizingly. "I be a businessman. And a great one at that. Ye'll never get anywhere in life by bein' honest. Ye know wha' happens t' honest scallywags? They end up sleepin' in the gutter 'n beggin' random pedestrians fer spare change."

"And why are you telling me all of this if it's so important?" Squidward raised an eyebrow.

"Simple. First off, you ain't exactly Mr. Popularity 'round here." Krabs gestured at the customers. "And secondly…" he pointed his pincher at Squidward "….if ye don't keep your lips sealed, YE'RE FIRED!"

The threat made Squidward flinch and nod obediently.

"Glad we're seein' eye t' eye, old friend." Krabs resumed his relaxed demeanor before handing a tray with Krabby Patties to the octopus. "Now go serve those patties!" he barked and pointed at the customers. "I want each one of 'em t' consume at least five patties before they leave, 'n remember t' charge 'em extra fer each one."

"Aye aye, sir." Squidward droned and saluted him. But as he took a few steps, Krabs grabbed him by the shoulder.

"And remember, lad. Not a word of this t' Spongebob." The crustacean told him. "Ye don't want t' break his little heart now, do ye?"

"Don't worry about that." Squidward rolled his eyes. "The last thing I want is to listen to his infernal wailing. We are next-door neighbors."

Squidward left to do his catering while Krabs sighed happily and watched all his happy customers, along with the happy little cheese-head being a model employee as always. The suckers! But he still had immense respect for Spongebob. The lad was a true hard worker. He reminded Krabs of himself when he was young. If only he had some brain to go with that drive and talent of his, then he might have become as successful as old Krabs himself. Alas.

Krabs opened his cash register and looked lovingly at the stack of money that rose from it.

"Ah, money. I love the."

Now we awkwardly transition back to Patchy….

We find a vagabond Patchy, wearing a beanie and raggedy clothes and sporting a fake beard three times as long as the original, frying cockroaches under a grimy bridge, or rather, a badly superimposed image of him over a stock photo of a grimy bridge.

"Spongebob…" he rambled with faux-confidence. "Who needs Spongebob! I'm better off without him!"

"I'll start a new fan club! Yes! That's what I'll do! A fan club dedicated to….the Rugrats! Or Hey Arnold! Maybe Rocko's Modern Life! One of those Nick classics!"

"Yes, that's what I'll do! Show that scurvy sea sponge how little he means to me!" Patchy grinned but his façade soon melted into a pitiful look and he threw the sizzling pan away before shutting his eyes tight and whimpering.

Potty then flew in. "There you are. You really need to come back, Patchy."

"Go away, you meddlesome marionet!" Patchy snapped at him and turned around with his arms crossed and his nose in the air. "I don't want nothin' to do with that show!"

"They need a host for the specials, Patchy." Potty squawked. "They need to film those live-action segments to save money on the animation."

Patchy glared at him, annoyed. "But…but this is Spongebob Squarepants! Their biggest cash cow! It rakes in millions! You're tellin' me they seriously can't fork over that extra cash for a double length episode? Even while I'm protestin'?"

"They don't care."

"That's it." Patchy said in his regular voice and ripped off his beard. "I'm done with this!"

Tom pulled out a remote and shut off the green screen. "This is getting ridiculous!"

"What are you doing, Patchy?" the puppet squawked.

"Don't call me that." Tom groaned. "I'm quitting. I'm tired of playing the fool for those money-grubbing bigwigs." He rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Why am I even upset? I'm one of the most in-demand voice actors of this decade? I have plenty of other gigs where I can make people laugh, on shows that still care about more than just making money. If Nickelodeon wants to run Spongebob into the ground, fine by me! It's their property but I refuse to be a part of this anymore."

"But you can't go, you're the voice of the title character." Potty squawked.

"So what? Any voice actor worth his salt can do a high-pitched kid voice, they'll find some other schmuck to replace me in no time. Let Dee play him." Tom waved his hand dismissively. "I'm done with this *dolphin chatter*."

Potty fell down and the puppeteer rushed and grabbed Tom by the shoulder. "Look, man. It's cool that you care so much about the quality of the show, but don't be foolish. Leaving won't be in your best interest."

"I can leave if I want to." Tom told him off. "I have the right to quit."

"No, no you don't." the puppeteer shook his head. "Don't you remember that contract every one of us had to sign before we started working on this show? Didn't you read the fine print?"

"What fine print?"

"The one that stipulates that Nickelodeon and Viacom now have ownership of your soul? If you try to leave, they have the legal right to manhandle you and drag you back here, through any means necessary, because you are their property." The other guy explained and pointed to his left.

Tom saw two hulking guys wearing t-shirts that said "Human Resources", who were punching their palms and cracking their knuckles.

"So you should really just keep your head down and listen to them." The puppeteer advised.

Tom paled and nervously waved and grinned at the HR guys before closing his eyes and starting to whimper for real.

Well, I do believe I've tied together these two segments with a stronger theme than the vague idea of a celebration, that being the theme of corporate greed, Nickelodeon's M.O for the last 20 years.

As with most of these chapters, the idea was to add a pinch of logic to the script. Patchy the Pirate is Spongebob's number one fan after all, so if anyone would be upset by this ratings trap instead of endorsing it, it would be Patchy. And you think my little parody is exaggerating things, but it's really not. Nickelodeon is nowadays regarded as the sewer pit of children's entertainment, and for good reason, not just for their lackluster content like post-Hillenburg Spongebob and other vapid junk like the Loud House, but also for their shady business practices and infamous mistreatment of many of their content creators. They even copyrighted Tom Kenny's Spogebob voice! I'm not even joking. I know other companies do the same stuff, but Nickelodeon is just so open and shameless about it.

As for the thing about the Krabby Patty secret formula, that's not really my idea. I've seen other people theorize about it online and I just appropriated it, because it is my favorite and, in my opinion, most plausible theory, and it tied back neatly into the overarching theme of corporate greed using cheap gimmicks to entice clueless customers into buying their brand. I was actually considering ending it with Mr. Krabs meeting with a shady dealer who provided him with "Poseidon powder", the true "secret ingredient" that makes his patties so addictive, but I think that would be going just a bit too far. I'm not averse to making Mr. Krabs immoral, but I'm not going to make him "One Coarse Meal" level immoral.

My original version for this was just the first third with Patchy and the suit, but it quickly evolved into a far longer chapter, befitting one of the longest Spongebob episodes (unless you disregard all the Patchy stuff).