The Bikini Bottom Museum, the autumn of 2007….
"Well, holly-wally ding-dang-doo. Would ya look at that!? Take a gander, yall!" Sandy was the first to enter.
"Fabulous décor." Squidward noted.
"Quite a vessel, but who's mannin' it?" Mr. Krabs asked.
"Greetings." A tiny robot rolled in, who looked like someone combined a spray can with a miniature Batmobile. "Welcome aboard the seaship Atlantis. This is a nonstop trip, so please take a seat, relax, and we'll be on our way."
"Look at the little traffic cone, guys!" Patrick pointed at it and giggled childishly. "It talks and rolls on wheels!"
"But before you can take your voyage to Atlantis, first you must refuel your ride." The robot added, eliciting shocked gasps.
"What? The Amulet of Atlantis can summon a magic flying bus, but it can't summon a magic flying bus with gas?!" Squidward asked angrily.
"Argh! We've been bamboozled, lads!" Krabs was just as infuriated and leaned down at the robot, shaking his claw menacingly. "If ye think I'll spend even one nickel on gas, ye 'ave another thing comin', ye unholy piece o' junk!"
"Oh, you misunderstand." The robot explained calmly and suddenly projected a hologram of a musical note within a blue circle. "We Atlanteans find the use of fossil fuels to be counter-intuitive, and have developed an alternative source we call…. song."
The others blinked in confusion.
"Does that make any sense?" Squidward asked dryly. In response, Spongebob wrapped one arm around the octopus.
"Of course it does, Squidward!" Spongebob beamed. "It means we need to sing in order to enable our journey to Atlantis!" his pupils grew wide and his eyes sparkled as he waved his hand. "It's MAAAAAAGIC!"
Squidward scowled. "Spongebob! That is, without a shadow of a doubt, the single stupidest thing I have ever-"
"Correct." The robot confirmed. "The engine of this vessel is fueled by song. The more you sing of your desires, the closer to Atlantis you will get. Let us commence singing."
"Hoppin' acorns!" Sandy said chipperly. "Now that's what I call eco-friendly!"
"Aye! I always love me a good chantey!" Krabs concurred.
"So you're saying we need to sing about what we want in order for this thing to fly?" Squidward asked the robot. "How do we do that? Do we all take music sheets and write down songs…"
"The best fuel, that being song, comes from the soul."
"What now?" Squidward blinked. "Enough with the riddles already!"
"Yeah, enough lollygaggin'!" Krabs agreed. "I want t' go 'n lot 'n plunder the treasures o' Atlantis today if ye don't mind!"
"Yes! Can we finally get this enchanted bucket of bolts moving!" Plankton grumbled and tapped his fingers against the door of the secret compartment. Oh, yeah. Plankton is in this story.
"It's simple, guys! It means we have to come up with our own songs!" Spongebob explained happily before clutching his hands under his chin girlishly. "I love spontaneously breaking into song."
Clearing his throat, Spongebob slid into the spotlight, with all his friends, sans Squidward, giving him encouraging smiles.
"Sing? A song? A song of wanting to move along!" he started singing off-key while marching in place, as appropriately whimsical music started playing. "To a land where all our dreeeaaams….." The bus shook but then stopped.
"We require legitimate singing for this to work." The robot explained.
"Oh, sorry." Spongebob said sheepishly before clearing his throat again. "To a land where all our dreeeeeams, can finally come trueeeee!" he sang with all his heart, while his friends all cringed.
But the bus started to levitate cumbersomely. Seems like their journey had begun!
"A bubble I long for, that so eludes me, but soon enough I will seeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" his number was cut short as the bus crashed to the ground, creating a small crater in the pavement.
"Ugh…what happened?" Spongebob groaned as he got up and rubbed his square head, while his friends were all spread out across the bus and likewise groaning.
"What happened? You call that singing!" an irate Squidward was all up in his face.
"Ha! Embarrassing!" he huffed smugly and pushed Spongebob away. "Out of the way, amateur! Let a real singer show you how it's done."
Squidward pulled out his trusty breath spray and sprayed a couple of rounds into his mouth before going, "Mimimimimi…." The spotlight now appeared over him.
"As a connoisseur of fine art, I'm proud to say! I've always seen things in my own special way!" the octopus sang, as well as his nasally, droning voice would allow. The bus, once more started to levitate.
"Keep it up, Squidward!" Sandy gave him an "okay" sign.
"Art-lantis, with their glorious aesthetics, I'll copy their style in a while…..my art will be prophetic!"
CRASH!
The bus was back in its crater and our heroes were once more sprawled and scattered across it and groaning in pain.
"What's going on here!" Squidward sat up and ranted. "I had hardly even begun to share my vocal gift with the world!"
"The sponge's singing was horribly off-key, but yours was utterly deprived of any soul." The robot said while being wedged between two seats. "It was like listening to someone sing from beyond the grave."
Squidward glared indignantly and put his tentacles on his hips. "Everyone has to be a critic, don't they!"
"The robot's right though. You are a lousy musician." Patrick said dumbly, much to the cephalopod's chagrin.
"Enough goofin' around, guys." Sandy intervened. "We're never gonna git to Atlantis like thaht."
"Quite right, lassie." Krabs stepped up and gave both Spongebob and Squidward scolding glares. "Ye youth of today! Don't 'ave the foggiest clue how t' carry a tune!"
He huffed and pointed at himself proudly. "But don't worry, ole Eugene Krabs will show ye how a proper chantey be done!"
He pointed one claw to his chest while raising the other in the air. "Oooooohhhhhhh….." the others immediately cringed. The old sailor's voice, which was gravellier than gravel itself, did not lend itself well to a song.
"…if I'd only known when I woke up today, I'd 'ave stopped at me tailors along the way! Had ten more pockets put on me pants, 'cause I think I hear a money avalanche!"
"Agh! What's taking this bus so long!" a seething Plankton covered his earholes inside the secret compartment.
Fumes started coming out and sparks flew from the little robot. "So bad. So bad. This is a sick perversion of the fine art of singing."
"Oh, make me into money, Mr. Wonderful Machine, I always knew that me true color was GREEEEE-umpf!
"Enough!" Sandy clamped her gloved paws over the crab's mouth. "No offense, Mr. Krabs, but ya sahng worse than a javelina with tonsillitis!"
"Says who?" an indignant Krabs asked.
"Says thuh bus not movin' an inch." The Texan squirrel retorted. "At least Spongebob and Squidward got it movin' for a little bit."
Krabs's confidence drained away and he grew a bashful frown. "I…I'd like to see ye try better!" he countered curtly.
"Ah thought ya boys would never ask." Sandy smiled confidently as she pulled out a guitar and placed a cowboy hat on her dome as she stepped into the spotlight and strung her guitar.
"A good ol' country song oughta take this here tin can all the way to Atlantis!" the squirrel said in a cocky tone.
"You go, Sandy!" Spongebob gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up. As is often the case, his enthusiasm was severely misplaced.
"Ah can 'ardly believe that thair's a lost city where, 'aving smarts is more important than being perdy!" Sandy sang off-key before spinning around and ditching her guitar, now holding a flask.
The others looked at her oddly as she poured its content over herself and then recoiled in horror as it caused Sandy to split into two squirrels, one of them had a gigantic cranium, while the other had lavish blonde hair. Her diving suit and dome were gone.
"With all their advanced science, and my painfully large mind…" Brain Sandy sang.
…Ah bet we can figure out how to make wondrous things…" Blonde Sandy continued while fluffing her hair.
Suddenly, they were both holding melons and sang together, "…like melons with edible rinds!"
"The horror! I can't take it anymore!" the malfunctioning robot cried. "Initiate self-destruct sequence!"
The others all filched from the small explosion, and all that was left of the little robot was a small smoldering pile of ash.
Patrick applauded the squirrel clones. "Bravo, Sandy!" he cheered stupidly. "That's what I call knocking them dead!"
"Ah may have overcalculated my personal melodic capabilities." Brain Sandy deduced while tapping her oversized noggin.
"Well, that's totally not coral." Blonde Sandy said with a valley girl twang and folded her arms.
"Enough of this!" Plankton knocked down the door of the secret compartment and skipped out.
Krabs gasped. "Plankton! What in Blackbeard's name are ye doin' here!" he leaned down at his arch-enemy and shook his claw. "What's yer plan, ye scheming' stowaway!"
"I was planning to steal all the highly advanced Atlantean weaponry so I could conquer the seven seas and cow everyone into being my obedient slaves, duh!" the copepod countered.
"But I'll never get step one of my master plan rolling, that being getting to Atlantis. Not with all of your abysmal singing!" he pointed at all of them, making them all flinch with shame, except for Krabs, who glared at him.
"But don't fret, you two-eyed imbeciles, I know how to get this train running." Plankton assured them condescendingly. "I already rehearsed a little victory song for when I seize control of the Atlantean weaponry."
A tiny spotlight was flashed on him, and he pulled out a vaudeville hat and cane, as deep trumpets started playing his personal leitmotif.
"Oh, what a beautiful sight! Weapons as far as the eye can see. But which one will be right for me? How do I pick? Which one will do the trick?" Plankton sang, or rather, talk-sang while tapdancing and doing little twirls.
"Which is best to guarantee eternal rest? So many weapons! How do I choose? Look at this one with a beautiful fuse! And with this one I couldn't loooooose!"
The bus started shaking and the engines let out weak, cough-like rumbles.
"Ha-ha!" Krabs laughed and pointed at Plankton petulantly. "Ye be just as bad as the rest of us, little man!"
"Wait, wait, Mr. Krabs!" Spongebob spoke up, forming a hopeful smile. "Maybe it did work? Squidward? What's the status on the fuel gauge?"
Squidward, who was standing closest to it, took a gander and his eyelids dropped halfway, as he saw that pointer firmly glued to the letter E.
"It's dry. As dry as my bank account." The octopus deadpanned.
"Oh, no!" Spongebob was now worried. "Guys! We can't squander this! It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! To visit an ancient, mythical city! To see the world's oldest bubble!"
"Not t' mention all the bootey!" Krabs clutched his head in a panic.
"And all their rich culture and artistic achievements!" Squidward had the same reaction.
"But logic dictates that if none of us are capable singers, then it's virtually impossible to get this vehicle runnin'." Brain Sandy deduced.
"Don't worry, guys! Let me have a try!" Patrick insisted.
"Oh, that's right!" Spongebob grew hopeful. "You haven't had your time in the spotlight yet, Pat!"
Spongebob grabbed him by the arms and looked him in the eye. "Patrick, this is important. You are our last chance to reach Atlantis. We are all counting on you now."
"Yes, ye better not mess this up, or ye're FIRED!" Krabs warned him, even though Patrick didn't work for him.
"Easy there, fellas, I got this." Patrick insisted before cracking his knuckles. "My mom says I have the voice of an angel."
"We're doomed." Squidward concluded while Patrick cleared his throat.
As he braced himself for his big solo, an angelic light appeared and spotlighted him, accompanied by an angelic choir. The others looked at him in awe. Was Patrick going to reveal a never-before-seen talent of his that would conveniently save the day? Has this show worn out its welcome after season 4?
"I'M PATRICK!" the pink starfish shouted. He didn't sing, but crudely shouted it while swinging his fists back and forth. "I'M PATRICK! PATRICK! PATRICK! PATRICK! AND I LIKE…..ehhhh?" he blanked on his favorite things.
"Oh, yeah! I love nachos and sundaes! And…and balloons!" he shouted and then laughed dumbly, when the magic bus started shaking violently, with bolts and other debris falling off the ceiling.
"She's gonna blow!" Krabs cried. "Let's get out of here!"
The seven of them ran out of the bus, but instead of exploding, it just suddenly grew a mouth and started coughing like a sick person before deflating and slumping to the ground, seemingly dead.
"No! No! It can't be!" Squidward cried and clutched his head in despair. "This was our only means to reach Atlantis!"
"Ah mutated and duplicated myself all for nothin'!" Brain Sandy was likewise despondent. Blonde Sandy, meanwhile, was giggling and typing on her phone.
Patrick's lips trembled and his eyes grew big and googly, as he wept and looked at his best friend.
"Spongebob, how are we going to see the world's oldest bubble now?"
Spongebob's nose dropped and he grew the same sad expression as he held Patrick's arm for comfort. "I don't know, buddy. I don't know."
"This is all your fault!" Squidward snapped at them, making Spongebob cower and Patrick hide behind him.
"If you two nincompoops never found that blasted Amulet of Atlantis, none of this would have happened!" the enraged octopus tore them a new one before turning to the lifeless bus.
"But for once, I can't pin all the blame on you two! It's those stupid Atlanteans' fault too! Some advanced civilization they are! Who in their right mind makes a bus that runs on song instead of regular fuel! That's the stupidest thing ever conceived!"
Growling, Squidward trembled with anger as he walked closer to it. He needed to vent out his frustration somehow.
"Oh, this is all a load of barnacle!" he yelled and gave the trunk a good kick.
Somehow, miraculously, this caused the pointer on the fuel gauge to jump from E to F, and the bus's engines started running.
Squidward and the others were flabbergasted as the bus rose into the air without them.
"No!" Brain Sandy cried as she tried to reach it.
"Come back!" Spongebob did the same as the bus rose a hundred feet above them and flew off into the distance, with the amulet still inside it, leaving all of them just standing there with their mouths hanging wide open.
"The world's oldest bubble!" Spongebob and Patrick cried simultaneously.
"All the science!" Brain Sandy shouted.
"The treasure!" Krabs screamed.
"The deadly weapons!" Plankton wept with his hand desperately reaching out for it.
They all then clenched their teeth and sent death glares aimed at Squidward, who chuckled nervously and fiddled with his tentacles.
"Ops?" he grinned fearfully while stepping back from his enraged companions. "Hey….eh? Spongebob? Remember that time we took that detour trying to deliver the first Krabby Patty pizza? Same thing happened? Who knew that with a vehicle that's out of fuel, all you need to do is give it a good kick to get it working again? I'm sure that knowledge will come in handy someday?"
The others were unamused, making the octopus gulp.
"Oh, look!" he pointed ahead. "It's the Flying Dutchman!"
It worked. The others looked over their shoulders but saw nothing. Once they turned back to Squidward, he was all but a speck on the horizon.
"Git 'im!" Brain Sandy exclaimed and they all suddenly held pitchforks and torches, and proceeded to chase the fleeing octopus all across the sand fields as the classic Spongebob chase music started playing.
Meanwhile, in Atlantis…..
Lord Royal Highness (voiced by Dee Bradley Bakker, because Nickelodeon was too cheap to get David Bowie for this cameo) was sitting on his throne, looking crestfallen and resting his head in his hand.
He sighed sadly as his royal advisor arrived and bowed to him. "Your highness? I must regretfully inform you that the bus we sent to Bikini Bottom has come back but is empty. I believe the message is clear."
"What else is new?" said the king, who looked like some unholy fusion between a Blue Meanie and a Yugopotamian, as did his entire race. "That's only the third one this week. No one wishes to visit our city anymore."
"Your majesty, if I may be so bold? If we can't even convince a few people from a hick town like Bikini Bottom to visit our lost city, then perhaps that's a sign that Atlantean tourism is dead? Creating and sending out these "magical amulets" for intrepid explorers to find is also costly."
"You're quite right." LRH reluctantly admitted. "Nobody's going to visit our city. Even the enticing moniker of "lost city" isn't seemingly enough to elicit any interest. We'll have to find another way to boost our economy, or our beloved city will truly be lost."
"Atlantis Squarepantis" is an interesting special. Not so much the special itself, but rather its reception. I remember seeing it as a kid and…being utterly indifferent to it. It didn't elicit much of a reaction from me, good or bad, I just found it to be a very "take it or leave it" kind of episode. And keep in mind, I hated plenty of other season 5 episodes even back then, like "Breath of Fresh Squidward", "Pest of the West" and "Waiting". My stance on it hasn't really changed, I still think it's a bit overhated but I totally get why people hate it, and it's far from a good episode.
It's a classic Spongebob ratings trap, worthy of "Truth or Square", and the story is just a flatline. Almost nothing of interest happens and the "climax" is total bunk. Anti-climactic and stupid would be putting it mildly. The songs aren't abysmal, as many have called them, but they are bland and uninspired and there clearly was no thought put into any of them, especially given how most other Spongebob episodes (even bad ones) tend to have very catchy music numbers. And they got the late David Bowie to guest star as Lord Royal Highness but never had that character sing, likely because it would have cost them even more money to have Bowie record an original song, and Nickelodeon is made up of nothing but Mr. Krabs wannabes.
While bland and forgettable on first glance, "Atlantis Squarepantis" is a lot more infuriating once you learn about all the context surrounding it. But at the very least, the characters here remained more or less consistent, and I give this special credit for not utterly butchering them and flanderizing them to the nth degree, like so many other season 5 episodes did, and then some. And it didn't promise a boatload of lies like the Krabby Patty formula being revealed either. We got what was advertised, Spongebob and co visiting Atlantis, it was just really drab, forgeable and filled with a lot of subpar and tacked-on music numbers and cringy Patchy segments that went on for far too long.
I originally considered simply having the chapter be about Spongebob and friends being arrested by the Atlanteans even after Plankton was caught, since they did literally nothing to redeem themselves for destroying the city's most scared relict, "We found a new attraction, but this doesn't absolve you of your crime." LRH would say cordially and then have our heroes thrown to rot in the Atlantean slammer, but then I thought of this. Logically, if the characters can't sing, then they could never have arrived in Atlantis in the first place, and the rest was history.