Squid-actually, we're at Spongebob's home, the summer of 2009…
It had finally come to this. Squidward knew it. He had always known it! Oh, Neptune, why didn't he do something about it sooner? The sponge was disturbed! Why didn't he heed the warning signs!
He was always following him around, obsessing over him like a rabid fan, stalking him, waking up in bed with him, creeping into his house while he was asleep, peeking through his windows, even when he was in the shower? Not to mention all those times he randomly materialized in his shower to scrub his back! And then there was the unnerving joy he displayed about being physically fused with him that one time, all thanks to Sandy's devil invention.
But now Spongebob had done it! He had gone through the trouble of replicating his entire home to be a perfect copy of Squidward's! He even copied that chip on the wall paint in the second-story hall! How could you pay such close attention to detail? Even the most brilliant artists couldn't be that thorough! But this wasn't art! No! Heck, no! This was madness. Pure madness. Demented obsession!
"Okay, Squiddy. Don't get creeped out. Just get the vacuum and go home." A jittery Squidward rambled while wrapping his tentacles around himself. He entered the bathroom and big shock, it too was a perfect replica of his own bathroom.
Squidward was getting creeped out more and more, to the point that the first place he looked for his vacuum cleaner was the medicine cabinet. As if you could stuff a vacuum cleaner into a small cabinet?
Squidward's eyes bulged with fear. "How does he know the exact contents of my medicine cabinet? He only missed the rash cream?"
He stepped back in fear and clutched his head. "Forget that blasted vacuum cleaner, I gotta get out of here!" he rambled frantically, unaware that a smiling Spongebob was slowly rising behind him like a static image.
"I can't be trapped in this house, with that psycho lurking around and-"
"Do you like it, Squidward?" Spongebob asked in a dopey tone, making the octopus scream and jump in fright, causing him to run headfirst into a wall.
"Agh! My nose!" Squidward cried while stumbling around and clutching his honker.
"Oh, and I didn't miss the rash cream. I was just using it." The still smiling Spongebob held it up and gave it a light squeeze, causing some of its content to spill on the floor.
"Opps."
As luck would have it, the disoriented Squidward slipped on it. Yelping, he crashed into the bathtub and got out of it, entangled in the shower curtains.
"Spongebob!" the blinded cephalopod yelled furiously as he fumbled around, before slipping on the spilled cream once more.
"Wow-ah-wo!" Squidward cried as he tried to keep his balance but soon crashed headfirst into the toilet, knocking himself out cold.
The next thing he knew, Squidward awoke with a start in his living room, his head resting on a nice, comfy pillow. After panting for a few moments, he slowly grew a smile.
"My home? My beautiful, one-of-a-kind home!" he laughed nervously. "It was all just a nightmare! A nightmare conjured up by my deeply-rooted and justifiable paranoia towards Spongebob!"
"Enjoying your stay at Chez Sponge?" Spongebob said softly as his hand caressed Squidward's cheek. Squidward paled and realized he wasn't resting on a pillow but on Spongebob's lap!
Screaming, Squidward recoiled into the other side of the couch, flinching defensively. "Spongebob! What are you doing!"
"Just making sure you feel right at home here." Spongebob said with a placid smile.
Squidward was sweating like crazy and clenching his teeth, his heart racing. He had to get out of here pronto!
"Eh…yes, yes. It was great here." He hastily lied. "It was a wonderful visit, but…" he tried to do an "okay" hand gesture but realized that his tentacles were pressed against his waist.
Dreadfully, he looked down and realized, much to his horror, that he was in a straightjacket.
"Spongebob…" he said through a nervous, teeth-clenched smile. "What's this?"
Spongebob blushed and giggled while covering his mouth. "Oh, I just didn't want you to catch a cold, silly. It's pretty chilly down here."
"Get me out of here!" Squidward tried to make a mad dash towards the door, but something pulled his four legs down and caused him to faceplant on the floor, painfully.
Groaning, Squidward looked back and saw that his four feet were all encased in cement shoes!
"Spongebob!" he cried in fear. "What's the meaning of this!"
Spongebob happily skipped up to him. "Don't worry. I said I wouldn't let you catch a cold. Don't you know the easiest way to catch a cold is through bare feet?"
"Spongebob! You're insane!" Squidward roared as he got up on wobbly legs. "I demand that you let me go! This instant! I'll call the cops!"
"Easy, Squidward. You're getting stressed." Spongebob said soothingly as he gave him a shoulder rub, making the octopus even more uncomfortable.
"There is no rush to go home, buddy. Not like you have one anymore." Spongebob joked.
"What do you-" Squidward's eyes darted towards one of the porthole windows and he saw nothing but a fire where his tiki home used to be. Several fire trucks were parked around it and firemen were trying to extinguish it with hoses.
"MY HOUSE!" the octopus screamed with wild, pulsating eyes.
"Such a pity, Squid." Spongebob shook his head. "You should really be more careful and not leave your stove on while you're away." He faux-scolded him and wagged his finger, while halting next to a large container of gasoline which he slowly pushed behind a wall with his foot, but not fast enough for Squidward not to see it.
His pupils shrank, he gulped and a drop of sweat slid down his temple. The sponge was deranged and he was at the deranged sponge's mercy!
"But don't worry!" Spongebob was chipper again, he lifted one leg behind him and clutched his hands girlishly. "You're more than welcome to stay at my home until yours gets fixed."
"No, no, no, no…" a terrified Squidward replied as he tried to reach the door, slowly and laboriously dragging his heavy cement shoes across the floor. "You're too kind, but you know I make a terrible house guest…"
Spongebob's hands seized him by the shoulders and pulled him back. "That's old hat. You admitting to your faults shows that you have learned from them."
Squidward suddenly found himself on a box carrier and Spongebob started wheeling him away from the door.
Squidward struggled against his binds. "Spongebob! Let me go right now, you demented maniac! I swear, if you don't let me go right-"
"Easy, Squidward." Spongebob said very calmly. "You don't want to miss the big surprise."
"What surprise?" Squidward lamented until he realized where they were heading. A door leading to a pitch-black room.
"No! Let me go! Let me go! You're mad!" soon Squidward was consumed by the darkness. He went silent and looked around but saw nothing.
Fearing for his life, the octopus tried to assess his situation. He realized he was no longer on the carrier but was sitting on a small chair, but his cement shoes and straightjacket were still on. Just what in Neptune's name had Spongebob in store for him?
An unknown source of light came from above, making Squidward jolt and he saw that he was sitting next to a table.
"Good to see you again, old bean. Top of the morning." He heard someone with an old timely British accent and looked to his right to find his vacuum cleaner, sporting arms, along with a mustache, a monocle and top hat, which he tipped to the octopus. His trunk was in the place of a nose.
Squidward screamed in horror.
"Oh, I know. This tea is simply dreadful. I can taste the excessive number of herbs." said Lord Vacuumshire (voiced by Jeff Bennett) while holding up a small glass of tea.
"Give it to me! I want MOOOORE!" Squidward heard another voice. This one was deep and distorted, sounding downright demonic.
Squidward wanted to scream, but he was too petrified to even do that and could only watch the person sitting across from him with shrunken pupils and a gaping mouth.
"Quit gawkin', Mr. Squidward?" said Moar Krabs, who was just a still, overly-detailed image with a moving mouth and pinched his malformed appendages. "Get back t' work and earn me MOOORE money!"
"Googo gagga!" Squidward turned to his left and found a bored-looking Patrick in a diaper shaking his rattle.
He realized that the four of them and their table were in the middle of an otherwise empty void.
Squidward screamed once more. "This isn't real! Dear Neptune, what is this!" he cried and tried to bite through his straightjacket with his teeth.
"Care for some more crumpets?" he heard another British voice (also provided by Jeff Bennett) and looked up to find Gary offering him a tray. Or rather, Gary standing on the shoulders of a human butler's body.
"I would very much like some." Vacuumshire said politely.
"MOOOORE!" Krabs's static arm extended and grabbed some crumpets, which he stuffed into his mouth while making cartoon chewing noises.
"Goggo gagga." Patrick said blandly and shook his rattle again.
"I'm so glad all of you could make it!" Spongebob was suddenly there, making Squidward jolt.
Spongebob wrapped his arm around Squidward's head and pulled it very close to his. "I've only invited our nearest, dearest friends to witness our big day."
"Big day?" a terrified Squidward asked.
"Oh, Gary!" Spongebob told his butler in a sing-song voice. "Could you please bring in our guest of honor?"
"As you wish, Master Spongebob." Gary bowed and walked off into the darkness, the sound of his dress shoes echoing across the void.
"What big day?!" Squidward asked flippantly. "Spongebob! I demand to know what we're doing here! Tell me!"
"Oh, you know why we're here." Spongebob smiled sweetly and pointed up. Above them was a banner saying…
"It's our melding day." Spongebob beamed with joy.
"Melding day?" a baffled Squidward made a face.
"Oh, yes. Ever since the day Sandy's matter transporter fused us together, I couldn't stop thinking about being one with you again. I simply couldn't bear to be separated from you, Squidward." Spongebob explained while sniffing with happy tears. "You're my world, Squidward. I'm nothing without you."
"Matter transporter? Y-You want us to get fused again?!" an alarmed Squidward stammered, and his blood promptly ran cold. Oh, no. Dear Neptune no!
"Mhmm…" Spongebob nodded before growing giddy. "Isn't this great? Soon we're are going to be one."
"One?"
"Yes! Soon, very soon, you and I shall be one." Spongebob repeated creepily.
"Sir, Miss. Cheeks has arrived." Gary repapered and gestured at their guest, who wheeled in her matter transporter, now rebranded as a "molecular fuser" via crossing over the original label with paint and crudely writing the new name below it.
"Ah hear someone's gittin' melded today?" a deranged-looking and hunchbacked Sandy in a lab coat cackled gleefully while rubbing her gloved hands.
"Oh, yes, my dear. That would be these two fine gents. " Vacuumshire pointed at Spongebob and his prisoner.
"That's us!" Spongebob exclaimed happily before leaning at Squidward, their noses touching. His pupils grew big and sparkly.
"Soon we'll be Squidbob Tentaclepants once more! We'll be sharing one house, one bed, one couch, one tv, one credit card, one body."
"No! I don't want to share a body with him!" Squidward cried and tried to break free.
"And I will only pay ye one salary! MOOOORE for me!" Krabs gloated in his demonic voice.
"Be maah guests, fellas!" Sandy gestured at the molecular fuser, whose door opened automatically.
"No! No! Let me go! Have you all gone crazy! This is madness! No! I beg you-"
Suddenly, Spongebob's hand grabbed the zipper at the end of Squidward's mouth and zipped it shut.
"Mmmmmphph!"
"Shhhhhh…." Spongebob placed a finger on his mouth. "It's okay. I know your answer by heart."
"Mmmmmphph!"
"Ahoy, everyone!" a badly-greenscreened live-action man in a dollar store pirate costume appeared with a present in his hands. "I hope I'm not late!"
"Not at all, Patchy. You've arrived just in time to witness our melding." Spongebob greeted him before turning back to and kneeling in front of Squidward.
"It took me forever to muster up the courage for this, but now I'm ready."
"Yeeee…..that's his catchphrase!" Patchy squealed.
"Squidward Quincy Tentacles? Will you meld with me?" a teary-eyed Spongebob asked him while clutching his hands.
"Nmmmphph! Nmmmph!" the octopus shook his head frantically.
Spongebob's lips trembled and he clutched his hands below his chin. "I knew you would."
The others all cheered for them.
"They are such a lovely couple." Vacuumshire stated proudly.
"MOOOORE!" Krabs belched.
"Goggo gagga." Patrick drawled.
"I'm crying from joy." Gary said dryly.
"I can't believe it's happenin'! Patchy trembled with joy. "Squidbob is me OTP!"
Confetti started flying and wedding music started playing as Spongebob lifted the squirming Squidward in his arms. "Okay, Sandy! We're ready to seal the deal!"
Sandy cackled manically and grabbed a lever. "Hop right in, boys! Yur chamber awaits"
"Nmmmphph! Nmmmph!" Squidward's muffled cries fell on deaf ears as he was taken into the machine and he heard the door closing, once more getting swallowed up by darkness.
"Finally, we'll be one."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Squidward's scream echoed through his bedroom as he jumped out of his bed, covered in cold sweat.
His throat now hurting, he clutched his chest and breathed in and out. His pupils darted in all directions, trying to figure out where he was, until it all came back to him.
Now lucid again, the panting Squidward grew a small smile of relief and his head plopped back down in his pillow.
"A nightmare? It's that same accursed nightmares I've been having for four years. Ever since that incident with Sandy's contraption." He rambled to himself like a crazy person. "That same nightmare. All just a horrible, unspeakable nightmare."
Squidward was still panting, but also still smiling. After escaping a harrowing experience like almost getting biologically fused with Spongebob Squarepants again, how could you not? He never felt so happy to be alive and in his own skin.
"Of course, it was all just a stupid dream? My vacuum cleaner being alive? Sandy not needing her air helmet or suit? Gary talking and serving up crumpets? That strange live-action creature? It was all in my head."
Squidward chuckled awkwardly before his smile flattered. "I should really see a psychiatrist?"
Right then, he heard snickering beneath his blanket. Caught off guard, Squidward lifted the sheet to find Spongebob to his left and Patrick to his right, both wearing party hats and holding a banner that said….
Patrick blew his noisemaker. "Surprise!" they both exclaimed! "Happy 49th birthday, Squidward!"
We zoom in on Squidward's impassive face for a good ten seconds.
Squidward busted through his house, sending bricks flying everywhere, and he ran off into the distance, flailing his tentacles and screaming his head off.
Spongebob and Patrick arrived at the Squidward-shaped hole in the wall.
"Boy, Spongebob? When you said we would surprise him good, you weren't exaggerating?" Patrick laughed.
"I know! Even I didn't expect him to react like this?" Spongebob noted happily. "He's so overcome with joy, he can't express it in words. It always a treat to see him this happy."
Patrick chuckled in agreement. "I just hope he comes back before the cake spoils."
I know the "it's just a dream ending" is beyond cliché, but if there was ever a Spongebob episode that needed this ending, it's "Squid's Visit." Just what the heck was that about? If "A Pal for Gary" hit rock bottom when it came to flanderizing Spongebob's blindness to reality, then this was the series' equivalent to Spongebob's obsession with Squidward. Spongebob always was a little too attached to Squiddy, but that was usually just in the name of a fleeting joke and while, yes, such behavior would land someone in hot water in real life, we can take refugee in the absurdity of a cartoon and let such stuff slide. But not here.
Just like with "A Pal for Gary", they utterly butchered Spongebob's character, just totally warped him into something unrecognizable all for the sake of a cheap one-shot plot that doesn't really amount to anything. Once more, they just ruined Spongebob character for no reason and as I have shown you both here and with my take on "A Pal for Gary", it would have been incredibly easy to write an excuse for his extreme behavior. Squidward has something of a psychosis related to Spongebob, I could easily imagine his subconscious conjuring up an image of Spongebob that exaggerates his worst attributes, like his obsession with Squidward. And that's just one of many twist endings they could have pulled to atone for Spongebob's wanton mischaracterization or even justify it in the context.
But yes, this really does not amount to anything. Like a lot of season 6 episodes, this one was obviously written on autopilot (they even outright claim that Squidward never entered Spongebob's house, in season six), so I'd be giving the writers too much credit if I were to assume they had any actual goal with this episode, but let's just say that, hypothetically, their goal was to be creepy? Then they failed at that too. Yes, Spongebob was being creepy, but if that was their goal, I'd say he isn't creepy enough in this episode. Why not push the envelope and go for a Kafkaesque surreal-horror story, for kids?
He does replicate Squidward's house to a T and steals his vacuum cleaner to force him to come for a visit (yes, I'm sure seeing your good nature there, Spongebob), but Spongebob doesn't really do anything to force him to stay beyond that inconvenience and is more or less just acting like an obnoxiously friendly host, with some flirting here and there. If you were to remove the whole "copies Squidward's indoor decor to a T" thing, I'm pretty sure few people would even call Spongebob a huge creep in this episode. Maybe a moderate creep, given the stalker breathing over the phone and all. Even if the ending undoes everything it would not mean that you would lose the creepy atmosphere throughout 90% of the episode. That sort of thing is kinda necessary to avoid character assassination.
If there is one good thing to come out this, much like with "A Pal for Gary", the writers could no longer top themselves on this particular aspect of Spongebob's character without bumping up the next Stalkerbob episode's rating and alienating their target demographic. So there is indeed a silver lining behind every cloud.