On top of a volcano that randomly materialized next to Bikini Bottom, the autumn of 2010…
"Sorry, Mr. Tentacles. Throw him in, fellas." The mayor of Bikini Bottom instructed the angry mob to toss a tied-up Squidward down the volcano. Note that he was not the heavyset, mustached fish with a top hat. No, he was a random fat guy with a buzzcut and a dopey voice (provided by Bill Fagerbakke no less!). I guess there was a reelection?
"No! NO! Please!" Squidward begged in a high-pitched voice as he fought against his binds. "I'm sorry I insulted you! I really do appreciate you! I was just kidding! Please, no!"
The angry mob lifted him higher, ready to drop him to a fiery death.
"WAIT!" Spongebob's voice was heard as he broke through the crowd. "Don't do this!"
"Stay out of this, kid!" yelled the blue barracuda guy with a white shirt and red pants.
"Don't be crazy, lad." Mr. Krabs whispered to him. "Ye don't want t' go up 'gainst a lynch mob."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs." Spongebob said heroically. "But I gotta do what's right."
"Stop this madness! I won't let you throw Squidward into a volcano!"
"What? Are you volunteering to go in his place?" asked the barracuda guy, Harold was it?
"Because that wouldn't work anyway. You're the happiest person in town." Fred added.
"No! We won't be throwing anyone into a volcano!" Spongebob retorted sternly. "We can't allow ourselves to be reduced to savages!"
"But it's the only way to save our town!" the mayor said.
"No! There's always another way!" the sponge insisted. "And we are going to find out how…. together!"
Squidward groaned. He knew that tone of voice. Spongebob was about to deliver one of his longwinded, emotionally-stirring speeches. Oh, for the love of Neptune, if he was going to die a grizzly death, couldn't it at least be quick?
"People, look into your hearts! Don't you see what you've become!" Spongebob started. "We started this day celebrating gratitude! Gratitude for all the things we had! The simple things that made our lives so much richer! We celebrated comradery! How we love and help our neighbors! How we are one community who sticks together through thick and thin! We always have each other's backs! Every person in Bikini Bottom is our brother or sister! And now look at us! One measly natural disaster, and we turn on each other like wild animals!"
"But aren't we animals, sonny?" asked Old Man Jenkins. They were all anthropomorphic marine fauna after all.
"No! We are civilized beings. Beings capable of great intellect and compassion! This?" he pointed at Squidward. "Do you call this an act of compassion? Is this how you should treat your six-armed, big-nosed, bald-headed brother?"
"Hey!" Squidward said indignantly.
"No! It's cruel and barbaric! A twisted perversion of everything our beautiful town stands for! Why are we doing this? Just because it's a quick and easy solution to our current dilemma? You value that more than the life of a fellow citizen? This is wrong and you know it's wrong! I'm sure if we work together, if we put our minds to it, we'll find a better solution to stop this volcanic menace that is threatening to destroy our community, a community founded on love and compassion!"
Within the crowd, Bubble Bass was getting teary-eyed and wiped them with a hanky.
"So what do you say, my fellow Bikini Bottomites!" Spongebob raised his fist into the air. "How about we stop this senseless act of cruelty, band together and find a real solution to our problem, as a community! As a brotherhood! Like we always do! Who's with me!"
The fish were left speechless. Finally, Scooter, the surfer guy, spoke up.
"Wow, that little yellow dude's speech? It was like real deep and stuff." he clutched his chest, turned to the others and closed his eyes. "It really touched me and made me reconsider things?"
Then he turned back and raised his fist. "Let's throw both of them into the volcano!"
"Yeaaaah!" The others roared in agreement.
"Wait! This isn't at all what I meant!" Spongebob screamed as he was tied up and hoisted into the air. "I know a scientist, guys!" he cried as he was carried to the mouth of the volcano. "She knows a lot about geology and has stopped natural disasters before!"
Unfortunately for him, the people of Bikini Bottom were pretty bad at listening to reason, especially when they were in full-fledged lynching mood.
A nervous Krabs sweated and fidgeted amidst the crowd, torn up about what to do, but ultimately opted to walk away with his claws behind his back while whistling.
Spongebob and Squidward were now being held next to each other, some 30 feet above the bubbling, boiling-hot lava, which caused ominous, fiery red underlighting. The teary-eyed sponge looked at the octopus and sniffed, as sad violin music started playing.
"Well, Squidward, old buddy? Looks like this is it?" he wept.
Squidward just sighed in annoyance. "Y'know, Spongebob? I always thought that you would be the death of me, not the other way around."
"I'll miss you too!" Spongebob started bawling his eyes out.
"Stop this! You're making a big mistake!" All of a sudden, the dolphin warrior (one more Spongebob check for Dee Bradley Bakker) flew in on his flying staff, landing between the mob and the mouth of the volcano. Just where has he been this whole time?
"Take a hike, you bottlenosed freak!" Harold shouted.
"My name's Cetos! And no! Those two will not be sacrificed!" the dolphin warrior exclaimed.
"Oh, are you gonna stop us!" Harold sneered militantly.
"Yes!" Cetos pointed at himself. "Because I will be the sacrifice!"
This elicited a chorus of gasps. "You? But why?" Spongebob asked.
"You impulsive fools! Didn't you listen to a word I said? Of course you didn't, because you wouldn't even let me finish!" Cetos chastised them. "I said that the most miserable person had to be sacrificed in order to appease the volcano!"
He pointed his staff at Squidward. "And that's not him! It's me!"
"You? But why?" the mayor asked, making the dolphin warrior facepalm.
"Did you pay any attention to my tragic backstory, you imbeciles!" he scolded them.
"I'm the last of my kind! My whole civilization was wiped out by the volcano! I'm the only one left!" the crestfallen Cetos explained. "Everything I ever knew, everyone I ever loved, it's all gone! I've spent thousands of years aimlessly wandering the ocean floor, all alone. I have literally nothing to be grateful about. Everything that was dear to me was taken away by this very volcano!"
He pointed his staff at Squidward once more. "You at least find meager joy in your hobbies, art, music and interpretative dancing, as well as the few fleeing moments when things go right for you. You might not realize it, but you are grateful for the things you have!"
"How…how do you know all that?" Squidward cocked an eyebrow.
"Now, as much as I would love to chat some more with you simpletons, I want to reunite with my people!" Cetos stated and turned around.
He looked over his shoulder, eyes seemingly fixated on Squidward. "Remember! No matter how miserable you might feel, there will always be people more miserable than you." He said sagely.
Before anyone could do anything, he swan-dived into the volcano, sporting a fearless and determined expression, which became more and more illuminated by the incoming magma, all scored by a heavenly choir.
Above, the Bikini Bottomites all looked away in horror as a burning noise was heard, followed by what sounded like the burp of a giant. No sooner did that happen, the volcano calmed down and the lava stopped bubbling and became as calm as a serene lake.
"It's over?" the mayor noted.
"Did anyone care about the dolphin guy?" Harold asked.
"Nope." Fred shook his head, before the crowd erupted with cheers.
"We're alive! Hurray!"
They put Spongebob and Squidward down and walked away, chatting among themselves as if nothing had happened, leaving the two would-be sacrifices standing there, still tied-up.
Spongebob looked down and started sobbing again. "That brave dolphin." He sniffed. "He sacrificed himself so we wouldn't have to feel the same pain he did? What a hero! We'll never forget you, Cetos!"
"Nah, I think he was just tired of it all." Squidward deadpanned in response. "I can relate."
"Well, boys. All be well that ends well." Mr. Krabs arrived and used his pinchers to snap his employees' binds respectively.
"Yes, no thanks to you!" the freed Squidward told him while rubbing his tentacles from the horrendous chaffing.
"Hey, hey, I was…stallin' 'em. I swear." Krabs insisted. "I was buyin' ye time before the dolphin arrived."
"Sure you were…" Squidward rolled his eyes before turning to Spongebob, now sporting an uncomfortable look.
"Um…Spongebob?" he started clumsily.
"Yes, Squidward?" Spongebob smiled.
"Thhhhhh…..thhhh…." a constipated-looking Squidward started.
"Huh?" Spongebob gave him an odd look.
"Thhhhhhhhh….." Squidward's incisors poked out and his lower lip protruded, while he was sweating madly "…..thhhhhhh…..thhhhhank you. Thank you for trying to save me."
He then crossed his tentacles and resumed his deadpan demeanor. "Even if you accomplished squat in the end and almost got both of us killed."
In return, an overjoyed Spongebob glomped Squidward around the waist. "It was nothing! That's what friends are for!"
"Spongebob…" Squidward lamented and pushed him away. "Do not use that blasted word."
"What word?" the sponge asked obliviously.
"The f-word. You and I are NOT friends." Squidward insisted adamantly. "We are….acquaintances."
"Which is just fancy talk for "friends"." Spongebob playfully punched him in the arm. "Always the sophisticated one, ain't ya?"
"No! No! No!" the octopus waved his tentacles angrily. "Those two words are not the same!"
"Eh, Squidward?" Krabs cut in. "Are me eyes deceivin' me, or is yer house shakin'?
"My house?" Squidward looked ahead and saw that it was indeed shaking.
"NO!" he grew a look of horror. "The pipe! I forgot the pipe!"
His home found itself on top of a newly-formed geyser, which thrusted it high into the air and it flew right towards the trio.
They jumped back as the house landed in the mouth of the volcano and got stuck there like a gigantic cork. Soon, steam started escaping all around it.
"No!" Squidward cried. "My house! Where am I going to live!"
"Don't worry, friend." Spongebob pulled him into a one-armed hug. "You're always welcome at my home."
If Squidward looked horrified before, now he was utterly petrified.
"Your home?" he said in a meek, nasally tone.
But the show wasn't over, Squidward's house turned red and started glowing. It was heating up and the volcano started trembling. Spongebob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs tried to keep their footing as the volcano puffed up and spat Squidward's house out, hurling it right back towards Conch Street.
It collided with Spongebob's pineapple home, obliterating the latter in a fiery explosion that sent chunks of burning rubble flying across the sky.
"MY HOUSE!" a bug-eyed Spongebob screamed before his face fell and his nose deflated.
But with Spongebob being Spongebob, he tried to be positive and let out a meek chuckle. "Well….eh…I'm sure Patrick won't mind two house guests?" he tried to reassure Squidward.
No sooner did he say that, one of the burning chunks of rubble fell back down and got lodged on top of Patrick's rock. The starfish came back home with groceries and dropped them and gasped as his home was set on fire, prompting him to run around and scream in a blind panic.
Spongebob's face fell further, becoming incredibly saggy, and he glanced at his boss. "Mr. Krabs?"
Krabs grew alarmed. "Oh, no, no, no! No freeloaders! I have enough trouble livin' with me overbearin' daughter! I can't afford to-"
Right then, Patrick ran headfirst into the crusty miser's anchor home, causing it to topple over and break apart on impact.
"ME HOME!" Krabs cried before looking on dejectedly. "I don't have insurances…"
Cue bubble transition…..
It's nighttime and an annoyed Sandy, wearing a nightgown and hair-curlers, is sitting on her bed.
"Ah'm always up fer a get-together, but this is overkill." She deadpanned.
"Meow." A charred and blackened Gary wholeheartedly agreed, who was resting in a fishbowl on a stump for a nightstand next to her.
We pan out to find Squidward, Spongebob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Pearl all lying in sleeping bags in front of Sandy within her acorn tree apartment. All of them are in their pajamas and wearing water helmets, except for Pearl, who doesn't need one, just a spray bottle of moisturizer next to her. Patrick is already asleep and snoring loudly.
"This is the most embarrassing sleepover ever! Everyone will think I fraternize with fat guys and science geeks!" the sperm whale whined before putting a gigantic paper bag with two little eye holes over her plus-sized head.
"Ah, quit bellyachin', Pearl!" her father scolded her. "This be luxury compared to me accommodations at the Navy!"
"Maybe getting thrown into that volcano wouldn't have been so bad?" Squidward wondered sardonically before resting his head on his pillow. But trying to sleep with a huge glass dome on your head was, unsurprisingly, painfully uncomfortable.
"Cheer up, guys!" the ever-optimistic Spongebob jumped to his feet. "Just look at this an excuse to have the greatest slumber party ever!"
"I've already planned everything out!" he suddenly pulled out a laundry list of activities.
Now outside, we slowly zoom away from Sandy's treedome as Spongebob continues talking.
"We'll play board games and tick-tack-toe!"
"Spongebob!" Sandy groaned. "Ah'm tired!"
"Then we'll do charades and shadow puppets!"
"Spongebob! Let me sleep!" Squidward lamented.
"Then we'll play "spin the bottle", my favorite!"
"Go t' sleep, boy! That's an order!" Krabs shouted angrily.
"After which we'll have a pillow fight and play hide and seek!"
"I'm never gonna live this down!" Pearl whined.
"Next we'll have popcorn and hot coco while watching movies!"
"Meow! Meow!"
"And finally we'll make an improv M signal to summon Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! I just hope the Moth doesn't crash the party again."
"SPONGEBOB!" the others yelled in unison.
Once more, I'm being very lax when tackling "infamous episodes". Yes, "Sponge Cano" is far from the worst episode, even within season 7 alone (as that season was pure horror for Spongebob fans), but it's hardly a good episode either. While Spongebob here is at least in-character, this episode does the rare thing of actually flanderizing Squidward of all characters. Yes, he has good reason to hate Spongebob and be miserable, especially after the first movie, but you're crossing the line by having him be completely nonchalant about killing Spongebob, who just offered to sacrifice himself in his place, and he never shows any gratitude (when not hanging above a lava pit and needing Spongebob's help to live).
And like a lot of season 7 episode, this one feels very gutted and hollow and utterly squanders an interesting premise. If you're going to have a twist, make it something better than "I meant the most miserable person's house" and have it only be a twist because the dolphin warrior got cut off and didn't bother to finish his sentence until the very end. And not like Spongebob was ever averse to killing off extras.
The dolphin warrior's introduction was also pretty sloppy and phoned-in, down to him just calling himself "an ancient warrior from long ago". If this isn't a pitch being confused with the script, I don't know what is? Apparently even he didn't know his name, so I gave him one. The word "cetos" is an old Latin term referring to cetaceans (duh!) as well as occasionally sharks and other ocean animals. So if he's an ancient warrior, why not name him in a long-dead language? XD