A Dash of Logic Chapter 20: First Anniversary Special!, a spongebob squarepants fanfic

We open to an outdoor shot of Patchy's house as the French narrator says, "Patchy the Pirate Presents!"

We rapidly zoom into the living room to find a still image of Patchy sitting in his recliner, saying (via poorly photoshopped lips) "Ahoy! It's a Dash of Logic special!"

We see his hand press the tv remote and we zoom in on the tv screen, which shows a spinning 3D model of Spongebob, accompanied by the aforementioned title.

We cut to the Krusty Krab, with Squidward lazing around at his counter, with Spongebob behind him, peeking through the kitchen window.

"Hey, Squidward?"

Squidward tried hard to tune him out.

"Hey, Squidward?"

Squidward wouldn't dignify that with a response, he tried to keep himself fixated on his magazine.

"Hey, Squidward?"

"Oh, what's the point?" Squidward rolled his eyes.

"What, Spongebob?" he drawled lazily, while his coworker grinned impishly and shifted with giddiness.

"What's so important that you've been bugging me about it all morning?"

"Do you know what day it is?" the overeager sponge could barely hide his excitement.

"Whatever it is, I doubt I'll care about it…." Squidward grumbled under his breath, trying to focus on his magazine.

"Oh, but you will, Squidster!" Spongebob jumped into his lap and wrapped his arm around the octopus as he showed him a calendar where a date had been encircled with a thick, red marker.

Squidward's eyelids dropped. "Is this another banal and arbitrary Krusty Krab holiday our boss came up with on the fly?"

Spongebob laughed. "No silly! It's this fic's one-year anniversary!"

"The what now?" Squidward blinked before he heard noisemakers and confetti started falling out of thin air, while a banner, saying the same thing Spongebob just announced, appeared over them.

Patrick and Mr. Krabs appeared on their left, cheering, while Sandy appeared on their right, wheeling in a cake with a single candle on a cart.

"Isn't this AWESOME, Squidward!" Spongebob squealed.

"Oh, come on…" Squidward made an exaggerated groan, only to get shoulder-bumped by Sandy, who gave him a "Shut your trap" glare.

Spongebob somersaulted out of the counter and gave everyone a big, joyful smile.

"I'm so glad all of you could come to this wonderful occasion!"

"No problem, Spongebob!" Sandy gave him a thumb-up.

"Eh, me office is right there anyway." Krabs shrugged.

"I came for the cake!" Patrick cheered stupidly before grabbing the cake and swallowing it in one go, including the candle, leaving nothing for his companions.

Nobody seemed to mind though (mainly because this was another expired bargain purchase from Krabs) and Spongebob got all teary-eyed from joy and clutched his hands.

"I can't believe it's been a year since this humble little project got off the ground." He sniffed, shedding happy tears.

"It all happened so fast! It started out as just a frivolous side-project and yet it blossomed into something grander!" Spongebob beamed overdramatically. "It's like when we took care of Junior, Patrick, and watched him grow up!"

"Yeah, Junior…our pride and joy…" Patrick grew googly-eyed and shed happy tears as well, holding a framed picture of himself (wearing a shirt and tie), Junior (in a diaper) and Spongebob (wearing a polka dot dress and a flower hat).

"Oh, puh-leeze." Squidward sneered in annoyance. "It's just a stupid fanfiction written by some roob with too much time on their hands."

Sandy leaned towards him. "Yeah, a stupid fanfic that gave ya the leadin' role in most chapters and had ya come out on top." She deadpanned.

And just like that, Squidward's mood made a one-eighty and he pulled Spongebob into a one-armed hug.

"You're absolutely right, Spongebob!" he beamed. "This is a monumental occasion! A tribute to something great! I feel so proud, not to mention cleansed of so many sins from the past!"

"I know, right?" Spongebob agreed.

"Bah, if only ye showed such enthusiasm 'bout the Krusty Krab's anniversary, Mr. Squidward." Krabs scoffed.

"Well, I can relate to Squidward's joy over this occasion very much." A certain copepod jumped onto the now empty cart.

"Plankton!" Krabs narrowed his eyes. "What are ye doin' here!"

"Excuse you?" Plankton put his hands on his hips. "I'm a main character too, Krabs."

"Meow." Gary concurred as he slithered up onto the counter.

"In that case, I deserve to be here as well." Karen rolled in onto the scene, next to Sandy.

"Considering I'm the most prominent female character." The computer said with an air of superiority.

"What's thaath supposed t' mean?" an annoyed Sandy arched an eyebrow.

"Don't flatter yourself, rodent." Karen replied smugly. "I have more leading roles under my belt than you do."

"What?! That's can't be raaght?" Sandy lamented and started typing on her calculator.

"Ha! That's my girl!" Plankton laughed and raised his hand, but Karen ignored him.

"Hey! C'mon, Karen! Don't leave me hanging!" her diminutive husband ranted.

"Meow. Meow." Gary lectured them.

"You're right, Gary." Spongebob walked into the center of the group. "This isn't a time for bickering, it's time for celebration! To honor a dedicated fan who has devoted a whole year of-"

"Writing about me and cleansing my resume of all those awful episodes that used to besmudge it." Squidward appeared next to him.

"Well, yeah…" Spongebob said tentatively "…but I was talking about all of us being done justice in this fic?"

"Huh? Oh…yeah….that too." Squidward said absentmindedly.

"Speaking of which, in honor of our first anniversary, how about each of us cites their favorite chapter!" Spongebob suggested.

The others agreed.

"Okay, me first." Spongebob rubbed his chin. "I was gonna say "The Splinter", because the new version removed all the pain and anguish I had to go through in the original…"

"Yeah, we'd all rather forget that one." Squidward huffed.

"Aye, no puss shower fer me this time." Krabs chuckled before shuddering at the horrific memory.

"….but I think I'll go with "Sponge Cano"!" Spongebob declared. "I think the new version did a far better job conveying the episode's message about gratitude and friendship! Plus…"

He elbowed Squidward with a cheeky smile. "…it also highlighted what great friends the two of us are."

"Whatever floats your boat." Squidward shrugged. "My turn now."

He rubbed his chin as well. "There's a lot to choose from, but I think I will go with "Professor Squidward"."

"Because you got one over that yuppie?" Sandy smirked.

"Yup, but I also appreciate how that chapter brilliantly utilized the concept of irony, and it was in my favor." The octopus explained and pointed at himself with devilish glee.

"That's an easy one." Plankton laughed. "My favorite was "One Coarse Meal", the ending, in particular, was pure genius."

Krabs seethed at the comment, while Plankton sent him a wicked smile.

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to go with Plankton on this one." Karen said.

"Not only did it show off my competence and resourcefulness, but it gave me some much-needed downtime away from my loser husband."

"Karen!" Plankton lamented, sounding genuinely hurt.

"Don't shoot the messenger." The computer shrugged. "And it's not my fault that I and Spongebob are married in real life."

She gave Spongebob a flirty wave, which made him blush and giggle impishly, while Plankton boiled with anger and aimed his plasma gun at the sponge.

Spongebob walked up to his pet snail, unaware of the blast he narrowly dodged. "What about you, Gary?"

"Meow. Meow."

Spongebob's smile faltered. "Aw, come on, Gary. How many times do I have to apologize for it? Wasn't me spending a night in the dog house punishment enough?"

"Uhhh…this be a tough one." Krabs pondered. "But I think I'll go with "Face Freeze". I just think the new version was a much more effective fable about how the youth of today should heed the wisdom of their elders." He finished by giving Spongebob and Patrick a scolding look, making the two shrink.

"No offense, Mr. K…." Spongebob replied politely. "…but that one was one of my least favorites."

"You can say that again." An equally unnerved Patrick agreed. "That one hurt. Like….a lot."

"Yeah, even I wasn't too fond of that one." Squidward agreed and shuddered. "No octopus should have been witness to the unspeakable horrors I saw that night."

"Now that ye mention it…" Krabs scratched his chin "…I did 'ave t' fork over a large sum of cash fer the lads' facelifts."

He started sweating in shock before growing an angry expression. "Scratch that! I hated that chapter too! It be the worst!"

"Worse than the ending of "One Coarse Meal" or "Bummer Vacation"?" Plankton asked him smugly.

"Shut it, ye little pipsqueak!"

"Well, if yall wanna know maah opinion…" Sandy started "….ah enjoyed thu reworked "Truth or Square" quite a bit. Ah thought it had some bittin' commentary on thu corrupt nature of modern Nickelodeon, and thu entertainment industry as a whole."

"Wow, quite insightful…" Squidward had to agree. "You're quite right. When our show was in its prime, Nickelodeon used to stand for quality, but now it has become the sewer pit of children's entertainment."

They all shared a good laugh. There was no disagreement there.

"Yeah, and then they started airing junk like Fanboy and Chum Chum or Breadwinners." Spongebob chuckled.

"A textbook slippery slope. Their current programs are just as trashy. Like the Loud House?" Squidward stated. "Yeesh. Talk about bottom of the barrel."

"And let's not forget all those Schneider sitcoms." Sandy shook her head. "That heapin' pile of cow patties will root kids' brains. It's a proven fact."

"And then there are all those spin-offs nobody asked for, most of which stem from our show." Plankton added. "If that's not an admission of being creatively bankrupt, I don't know what is."

"Well, I can't deny that their shows ain't up t' snuff, but I'd be lyin' if I said that I didn't admire their business practices behind the scenes." Krabs said wistfully. "I may 'ave even taken some inspiration from 'em."

He stopped as he noticed the disapproving glares from everyone else and chuckled awkwardly.

"Eh…I mean…tis was jus' a joke. A pox on 'em!"

They all shared another laugh while Krabs sighed in relief upon saving face, until Spongebob realized one of them was being oddly quiet.

"What about you, Pat? Wanna chime in? What's your favorite?" he asked, only to find his friend typing on a laptop.

"Hey, why are there so few chapters about me?" Patrick lamented. "I'm a main character!"

"Oh, don't be silly, Patrick." Spongebob tried to cheer him up. "You've appeared in plenty of chapters?"

"But only in a minor role!" Patrick countered. "There are only two chapters devoted to me, and one of them is the shortest one of the bunch!"

"Oh, yeah." Spongebob realized. "Well, chin up, buddy. I'm sure you'll get plenty of opportunities to shine in the future."

Patrick pouted. "But I wanna shine now!" he stomped his foot like a little child. "Why does stupid Squidward get to have so many starring roles!"

The octopus huffed smugly and walked up to him. "Don't blame me for being a much more compelling character, or that the author relates to me more."

"Well, technically, Squidward, ah think this has more t' do with there bein' a strong correlation between ya and bad episodes." Sandy pointed out. "And the whole point of this here fic is t'-"

"Don't ruin this for me." Squidward hissed before glancing back at Patrick.

"Dems the breaks, tubby." He shrugged. "Perhaps you should try being a more well-rounded character, huh?"

"But I am a well-rounded character!" Patrick lamented and pulled up his enormous gut. "See! Nobody is rounder than me! Well…except maybe for Mr. Krabs?"

"Hey!" the crab shook his fist. "For yer information, this be all muscle!"

Squidward facepalmed. "I didn't mean it literally, you dolt!"

He then poked Patrick in the gut, sporting a smug smirk. "I was talking about how unlike me, you lack any depth or nuance or relatability. You're just the fat idiot used for cheap slapstick humor and who spouts random non-sequiturs."

Patrick scowled. "Oh, yeah! Well…well at least I'm not a total bore who is terrible at art and music, and…and has a big nose and bald head!"

Squidward gasped, looking scandalized. "You take that back, you…you, uncouth lout!"

"Ha!" Patrick turned around and crossed his arms. "Joke's on you, Squidward! I'm not coughing and I'm not a louse either!"

Boiling, Squidward pushed Patrick.

Angered, Patrick returned the favor.

"Stop pushing me!" Squidward yelled while pushing Patrick back.

"You started it!" Patrick pushed him back.

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

We cut back to the rest of the gang as we hear a fistfight breaking out off-screen.

Spongebob cleaned his throat and turned back to the camera. Maybe it was high time to end this.

"Anyway, we all want to voice our appreciation to everyone who has been following this fic. It's been a wild ride and rest assured, the author has no intentions of stopping."

"You betcha!" Sandy gave a thumbs-up. "There's still a lot more tarnished Spongebob history in need of cleansin'."

"And brace yourself for more stories involving me trouncing Krabs!" Plankton proclaimed proudly.

"In your dreams, Plankton!" Krabs growled before noticing something. "Wait? What's that behind ye back!"

"What's what?" Plankton was playing innocent but his tiny body could do little to hide the bottle with the Krabby Patty formula he was holding behind his back.

"Why I oughta!" a livid Krabs charged at him and Plankton ran as fast as he could.

"Ugh….he just can't fight that compulsive need of his." Karen deadpanned.

"Yeah, maybe someone should show 'im thaath one extra scene from "Truth or Square"." Sandy concurred.

"Why? What happens there?" Spongebob said innocently, making Sandy nervous.

"Nuthin'! Nuthin' important." She insisted.

"Meow. Meow." Gary added, while we see Krabs chasing Plankton in the background.

Spongebob scowled at the snail. "What do you mean I'm better off not knowing? I can handle the truth!"

"Patrick!?"

The four looked ahead and the camera zooms out to show a battered and black-eyed Patrick sitting on an equally battered and black-eyed Squidward.

"Will you get off me, you fat oaf!" the octopus ranted. "You think this wanton display of vulgar immaturity is going to make you more relatable to the author!"

"Hah! Nice try, Squidward!" Patrick scoffed and crossed his arms. "We all know you're not related to the author."

We cut to the outside of the Krusty Krab as Squidward screams, "PATRICK!"

Well, I hope this little skit made you laugh. After reaching 20 chapters (and a spin-off), I wanted to do a little intermission where the characters break the fourth wall for a while, and after being reminded that my fic was approaching its one-year anniversary, I thought this was the ideal time to post one. Sorry I have been rather inactive with this fic for the last two months, I've just been having a creative block. There are many more episodes from seasons 4-9 I want to tackle, I just need the inspiration for it. But once I inevitably get hit by a new wave ideas, I'll be posting new chapters pronto.

And because I know someone will read too deep into this, that exchange between Karen and Sandy is just a JOKE, not a literal statement. I had better things to do than meticulously catalog every single episode that had Sandy and/or Karen in a leading role XD The main reason I included it is as a reference to Sandy being underused during the dark age (seasons 5-8) while Karen gained more prominence as a character there and got bumped up to major character status.

And yes, I acknowledged how Patrick is rather underused in this fic. Part of that has to do with him being my least favorite character in the main cast, which is not to say I hate him, I actually enjoy him quite a bit when he's written properly, but compared to other characters like Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy or Plankton, his "dumb guy" schtick just isn't as interesting to write about. Though Sandy also makes a valid point about there being a strong correlation between bad episodes and Squidward (i.e., Squidward torture episodes). Granted, another infamous genera from the dark age are the "Patrick's a jerk" episodes (such as "Yours, Mine and Mine" or "Patrick's Staycation"), but I'm always hard-pressed to find a satisfying solution to such episodes. I want to do more with them than just having Patrick get punished in the end.