The Krusty Krab kitchen, the autumn of 2007…
No, no, no, guys, please! Uh, would you mind coming back after business hours? Heh, I'm trying to work here." SpongeBob asked with a nervous grin as he was confronted by a large swarm of jellyfish.
Though he knew from experience (ala "Jellyfish Jam") that if jellyfish wanted something, there was little you could do to change their mind. The happy music that his own body was playing did not match SpongeBob's current mood, which was fear and anxiety.
"SpongeBob!" Mr. Krabs came barging in. "What the halibut is up wit' this infernal fife playin'!"
His face dropped upon seeing the huge swarm of jellyfish before it scrunched up in anger as he shifted his glare at the nervous sponge.
"Um…I can explain, sir?" SpongeBob fiddled with his fingers.
"What's wit' the jellyfish, boyo!" his boss ranted and shook his fist. "I thought I made it clear ever since that Mystery fiasco that no animals be settin' foot in me fine establishment!"
SpongeBob held his hands up while jellyfish were buzzing around him. "No, no, you misunderstand. I can't get rid of them! They are attracted to my whistling pores!"
Krabs grew a queasy look, then cringed and grimaced. "SpongeBob! I don't care how ye kids be callin' it these days! Ye are not goin' t' defile me kitchen wit' these vile vermin, get rid of 'em!"
"But I can't, Mr. Krabs!" SpongeBob cried in desperation. "The winds are making my holes play this enticing melody that is attracting jellyfish from far and wide!" as he finished more jellyfish were clinging on to him.
"Wait, that's it?" Krabs shrugged before rolling his eyes. "I got this!"
"Mr. Krabs what are you-" in a matter of seconds, Krabs clogged up all of SpongeBob's holes with corks and just like that, the melody stopped, much to the jellyfish's confusion, prompting them to start flying out of the open window.
"It…it stopped?" SpongeBob beamed while touching the corks.
"See, easy peasy…" Krabs chuckled when the last remaining jellyfish swam behind his butt, rubbed its tentacles (which had morphed into hands), and stung the old crab's buttocks!
Krabs screamed and leaped up. "Mother of pearl! Fire on the poop deck!" he jumped around while clutching his behind.
"Mr. Krabs, thank you so much!" SpongeBob grew teary-eyed and clutched his hands. "What would I do without your boundless wisdom?"
"Don't get saccharine wit' me, lad…" Krabs hissed through gritted teeth while holding an icepack to his sore rump, before growing a cranky look and pointing at the grill. "Jus' get back t' work! Now!"
"Aye aye, sir!" SpongeBob saluted him when they both heard creaking noises and the Krusty Krab was ripped from its foundation and carried off by the powerful draught.
"Oh, right?" SpongeBob said meekly as his hat flew off. "The winds?"
All the customers were swept away by the winds (or was it underwater currents?), which carried them off into the sky, screaming and flailing, while Squidward clung on to his counter, which was being dragged through the floorboards.
"I paid for a meal, sunny, not for a ride!" Old Man Jenkins said as he was carried off while spinning.
"Mr. Krabs! What do we do!" SpongeBob cried while anchoring his spatula into the floor.
"The grill! Grab the grill, lad!" Krabs implored him while he himself was holding onto the heavy object.
SpongeBob didn't have time to think as the winds ripped him away from his spatula and he barely managed to grab hold of the grill.
He quickly smelled something sizzling and his hands started hurting. "Um…Mr. Krabs? I think I left the grill on!" he cried while the two were flapping against the wind.
"I know! Would ye rather go fer a flight!" Krabs snapped at him.
"HELP! Someone help me!?" Squidward cried in a high-pitched voice as he was carried off.
"Squidward!" SpongeBob gasped and let go. He flew after Squidward and managed to grab hold of the crow's nest with one hand and grabbed one of Squidward's legs with his other one.
"I got ya, buddy!"
"What?! No! No! Anyone but you!" Squidward lamented angrily.
"Yippee!" they heard a familiar voice and saw a laughing Patrick flying past them, his arms and legs spread out wide.
"Hey, SpongeBob! Hey, Squidward!" he waved at them.
"No! Patrick, hold on!" SpongeBob cried and let go just as Squidward managed to wrap one of his tentacles against the railing of the crow's nest, only for SpongeBob to grab one of his feet and Patrick's hand.
"I got you, Pat! I got you!" SpongeBob assured him.
"Wow! Some ride! Right, SpongeBob?" Patrick laughed before putting his free hand over his eyes. "I can see our houses from up here!" he said excitedly.
"Mr. Krabs! Do something!" Squidward cried desperately while having to hold himself and the two nimrods from being carried off.
"Quit bellyachin', ye ninnies!" Krabs shouted up at them while swinging a lasso that was attached to a huge and heavy anchor. "I got this!"
Suddenly, his cash register flew past him.
"Cashie! Nooooooo!" Krabs freaked out and flew after the cash register.
"You kidding me!" a stupefied Squidward ranted as his boss flew past them and managed to grab the cash register, before clamping one of his claws on Patrick's foot.
The starfish bit his lips before letting out a loud, "OOWWWW!"
Now the four-man centipede was clinging on to the crow's nest for dear life, flapping wildly against the wind.
"Squidward!" SpongeBob shouted over the roaring winds. "Don't let go! Or we'll all be goners!"
"Oh, gee? I never would have thought of that!" the octopus shot back angrily before he heard the railing being torn apart by the winds.
In no time, the four were sent flying. They were screaming and still clinging on to each other, getting a beautiful aerial view of their town in the process, which was being torn to shreds by the winds.
"I'm too young to die!" SpongeBob bawled as he and his companions hugged each other in fright.
"Shoot! And I didn't pack any peanuts!" Patrick lamented.
Suddenly, they were caught by a huge robotic claw and pulled up towards a submarine, and saw a familiar rodent waving at them
"Sandy!" SpongeBob beamed.
Cue bubble transition…
With Sandy piloting her submarine, the others gathered around her, seeing many of their fellow citizens flying past them.
"This is awful!" SpongeBob clutched his head in fear. "What are we gonna do!"
"Ah dunno, SpongeBob." Sandy grimaced. "This here storm is unprecedented. There has never been one this bad in Bikini Bottom history. It sure makes all the twisters ah survived look like gentle breezes by comparison."
She shook her head. "By maah calculations, it will demolish thu town by sunset and sweep away every last citizen before lunchtaahm."
"Great, how am I goin' t' make money with no hungry customers!" Krabs freaked out.
"But will we be safe inside this contraption of yours, Sandy?" Squidward asked.
"Worry not, fellas." Sandy said confidently while patting the controls. "This here beauty's built t' withstand even the roughest of weather."
Squidward's eyes bugged out and he pointed ahead. "But what about tornados?!"
"Tor-what now?" Sandy asked when all five of them saw that they were heading towards a roaring tornado.
The boys screamed hysterically, while Sandy desperately tried to change course but they were already too close and got sucked in, screaming their heads off as they were in for a wild ride.
One painful crash later…
We find the five sitting inside a damp, sea urchin-infested cave, shaking and hugging themselves, while the roaring winds could still be heard from outside.
SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs (who was still clinging onto his cash register) sported tattered clothes and were covered in dirt, while Sandy scrambled to tape up a big, leaking crack in her glass dome.
"Um…at least we're all still alive?" SpongeBob said with a lopsided smile while hugging his legs and rocking back and forth.
"This is it…" Krabs whimpered and hugged "Cashie" tightly. "It's the end. The end of us. The end of Bikini Bottom. The end of life underwater as we know it!"
"Nooo…" Squidward sobbed into his tentacles. "I'm gonna die in this filthy cavern. Undignified. Forgotten. My genius will never touch the rest of the world!"
"And I don't have any money!" Krabs also sobbed.
"Will ya quit blubberin', ya big crybabies!" Sandy barked as she stood up. "This rodeo ain't over yet! Not by a long shot!"
"It isn't?" Patrick turned around, holding a hammer, and standing next to five wooden coffins.
"Sandy's right, guys!" SpongeBob stood up as well, sporting a determined look. "We can't give up now! We're gonna fix this!"
"Fix this?!" Squidward was dumbstruck. "Just how in Neptune's name are you going to combat a storm?!"
Sandy's face lit up. "That's it! Great idea, Squidward!"
"Say what now?" the octopus squinted.
Sandy held her fist up. "We're gonna take this issue t' the head honcho himself! King Neptune!"
Cue bubble transition…
With each one carrying a heavy boulder, the five arrived at Neptune's castle but gasped as they found a five-mile-long line of giant merpeople standing in front of it.
"Dear Neptune!" Krabs was beside himself. "I wish I had a line like that at the Krusty Krab!"
"Looks like we aren't the only one who came to complain?" a crestfallen SpongeBob realized.
Sandy held her finger up in the air (or rather water) and got an idea.
"Guys, jus' buckle up and hold on tight t' dem rocks!"
"Huh?" the others didn't follow, before being assaulted by another powerful draught, which carried off all the merpeople.
"Come on!" Sandy urged the others as they held onto their boulders. "We 'ave no time to spare!"
Walking into the fancy reception room, they found a blue mermaid secretary sitting at her desk, wearing glasses and her hair tied in a bun, while chewing gum and filing her nails.
In order to reach her, the five tiny critters had to form a human ladder, and naturally, Squidward was the bottom. Patrick jumped on his shoulders (much to his misery), Krabs jumped onto his shoulders, Sandy jumped on his head (squishing his eyestalks into his shell) and SpongeBob tried balancing himself on her round glass dome before grabbing onto the desk and pulling himself up.
"Excuse me, ma'am?" he tried to get the mermaid's attention. "We need an audition with his majesty, King Neptune! It's urgent, it's a matter of life and death! Literally!"
"Sorry, but King Neptune is a very busy monarch, and he's currently in the middle of a very delicate political debate." The secretary said dismissively in a nasally voice, before pointing at a row of seats in the back of the room. "I suggest you wait your turn."
SpongeBob and the others gulped as they saw that almost every seat was occupied by a dusty, cobweb-cowered skeleton of a merperson.
"And you'll need to fill up all the necessary paperwork first." A loud thud was heard as the secretary dropped a huge stack of papers to the floor.
Working together, SpongeBob and co carried the heavy stack towards the waiting area.
"These scallywags could use a Krabby Patty or two?" Krabs noted as he touched one of the skeletons and it promptly crumbled to dust.
Though unnerved, the five took up the now empty seat, which was big enough for all of them to sit down together, and they looked over the various documents they had to fill up.
"Ah, man!" Patrick whined while holding one of them. "I hate doing tests!"
"Hey, it's better than staying outside." Squidward snarked dourly.
SpongeBob noticed that someone was sitting to their right. He too was a dead man, but not in the same way as the others.
"Hey, Dutchy! What brings you here?" SpongeBob waved happily.
The Flying Dutchman looked down at them with mild surprise. "What are ye scurvy life-lubbers doin' here?" he asked in his gravelly voice.
"Waitin' fer an audition wit' King Neptune? T' complain 'bout 'im neglectin' his duties." Sandy explained firmly. "And ya?"
"Same thing!" the green ghost pirate lamented. "Me job has been pure murder recently, and I'm already dead! I had t' work overtime every single day fer the last two months! Wit' all these accursed natural disasters ravagin' the seven seas, I can't work fast enough collectin' all these surplus souls!"
We zoom out to see his mountain-sized "soul-bag", which was so big, it barely fit inside the giant castle.
"That's a lot of souls?" Squidward duly noted.
A few ghostly fish fins poked out of the opening while their owners moaned eerily.
The Flying Dutchman pulled out a fly swatter and started hitting them. "Back! Back I say! Get yer ethereal appendages back in there!"
"Two months? But why hasn't King Neptune put an end to this?" SpongeBob asked.
"And what other disasters are ya talkin' 'bout?" Sandy scowled.
"The heck if I know?" the Dutchman balled his fists in exasperation. "I've been sittin' in this waitin' room fer three days now, had t' collect their souls too!" he pointed at the skeletons, who all crumbled to dust.
"Okay, that's it. We're goin' in right now!" Sandy stood up and punched her fist before doing a front flip.
She appeared behind the secretary, who was still filing her nails, and jumped on her shoulder.
"Huh?" she froze up in shock as Sandy karate kicked her in the neck before falling over, unconscious, allowing Sandy, her companions and the Flying Dutchman to sneak past her and open the gate leading into Neptune's throne room.
"Alright, ya royal lummox!" Sandy exclaimed. "We need t' 'ave a serious wor…" her face dropped upon seeing what was happening in the throne room, as did everyone else's.
"Unhand my trident! It's mine!"
"No! It belongs to me!"
"No! No! The big fork belongs to ME!"
"What the?" SpongeBob blurted.
"What in Davy Jones's locker is goin' on here?" the Flying Dutchman put his ghostly hands on his hips.
They found three green mermen fighting over Neptune's trident like a bunch of kids fighting over a lollipop. One was ripped, had a long red beard and wore nothing except for a small crown, golden cuffs and a golden belt. The second was more cartoonish in design, he wore a red king coat and a much bigger crown to hide his patch of shame. And the third one was similar to the first one, but clean-shaven (except for a tiny mustache) and with black hair. And he was the only one who was CGI.
"I'm the real Neptune!" O'Hurley!Neptune cried petulantly, pulling the trident towards him.
"No! I'm the real Neptune! I am!" Tambor!Neptune retorted, pulling the trident towards him.
"No! I, Poseidon, am the one and only ruler of the seas!" the CGI one pulled the trident towards him.
Their fighting was causing it to shoot in random directions, with each blast escaping through the windows and hitting a random target.
We see it hit an intersection in the middle of New Kelp City, causing an earthquake that made the city split in two and the crack swallowed up countless screaming pedestrians.
We see it hit an underwater volcano, causing it to erupt and the citizens living below it to run in terror from the incoming lava flow.
We see a village of Eskimo catfish building igloos (underwater?) and ridding worm-sleds before being hit by the blast, which froze everyone and their sled-worms inside a giant glacier.
"Give me that, you shameless imposters!" O'Hurley!Neptune demanded.
"No! You two are the imposters!" Poseidon cried.
"What in tarnation is a-goin' on here!" an angry Sandy marched up to them, followed by the others.
O'Hurley!Neptune gasped and scowled. "How dare you, you unwashed commoners! Barging into my palace without per-"
"No! This is my palace!" Tambor!Neptune shouted. "It's my right to randomly execute commoners on a whim!"
"No! You're both imposters!" Poseidon argued.
"Nu-ah!" O'Hurley!Neptune shot back. "Your name's not even Neptune!"
"Of course it's not! Poseidon was the original and TRUE ruler of the seas!" Poseidon huffed. "The Roman's just gave me a different name, you uneducated roob!"
"Taahm out! Taahm out!" Sandy shut them up. "Can someone please explain t' us what thu heck's goin' on! What's wit' these goshdarn winds! And why are yall squabblin' like a bunch of preschoolers!"
"I am not a child!" O'Hurley!Neptune shot back petulantly and pointed at the other two mermen. "But I've been unable to tend to my usual royal duties because these two frauds are trying to steal my identity and usurp the throne!"
"No, I'm not! I am the one and only Neptune!" Tambor!Neptune pointed at himself.
"You can both be Neptune for all I care!" Poseidon threw his arms up. "But I am the true ruler of the seas! Me! Poseidon! Lord of the oceans!"
"No! You're the lord of fraudulence! Because I am the true lord of the oceans!" O'Hurley Neptune argued.
"No! You're nothing but a filthy imposter!" Tambor!Neptune jabbed his thumb into the former's chest.
O'Hurley!Neptune growled and pointed at him. "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounce off me and sticks to you!"
"La la la la! I don't hear this!" Tambor!Neptune covered his ears and shut his eyes. "La la la la la!"
"And people wonder why our economy is down the toilet?" Squidward deadpanned to his companions.
"You!" O'Hurley!Neptune saw SpongeBob and picked him up in his palm.
"You know I'm the real Neptune, SpongeBob? Right? Right, old friend? Old comrade? Can you please testify on my behalf!" the merman implored him frantically. "We competed in The Ultimate Cookoff, and you won!"
He realized what he said and tried to save face. "But only by a hair." He added in a haughty tone. "And…and only because I went easy on you."
"Um…" SpongeBob scratched his lip, unsure what to make of this situation.
"Preposterous!" Tambor!Neptune grabbed him in his fist and hoisted him to eye-level, smiling pleadingly.
"You know I'm the real Neptune! Tell them! Remember? That Plankton fellow stole my crown and framed the fat one for it." he pointed at Mr. Krabs.
"Hey! I'm not fat!" Krabs lamented.
"And you embarked on an epic journey where you became a man and retrieved the crown, saving your boss from execution and your town from enslavement!"
"Well…yeah…but.." the confused SpongeBob scratched his head before being grabbed by Poseidon.
"Look, I don't know you, but you look like a studious guy, with the tie and all?" Poseidon begged him. "I'm sure you know your history, so please, enlighten these idiots about who the rightful heir to the throne is! The original lord of the seas!"
"I…eh…" SpongeBob grew nervous and looked at his friends. "Can you help me out here, guys?"
The others exchanged glances, likewise confused.
"Hey, I remember you?" Patrick pointed at Tambor!Neptune and grew a sly grin.
"If I say you're the real Neptune, can I date your fair daughter?"
In the background, we see a confused Triton and Mindy looking at each other.
"So…are you my sister?" Triton asked her before leaning against the wall and giving her a flirty smirk. "Or should I be asking you out?"
Mindy cringed.
"Deal!" Tambor!Neptune looked down at Patrick and winked. "Anything to prove I'm the real Neptune!"
"ENOUGH!" the Flying Dutchman yelled and all eyes were on him now.
"Look! I've been bustin' a hump cleanin' up yur mess, and I'm pooped!" he pointed at the three mermen. "I'm tired of this malarky!"
He crossed his arms. "So, instead of cryin' 'bout bein' "the real Neptune" like a pack of toddlers…" the ghost pirate made air quotes "…how 'bout ye rapscallions settle this matter like grownups!"
"How? By smiting the others?" O'Hurley!Neptune smiled eagerly.
"By freezing the opposition?" Tambor!Neptune asked.
"A sharkback joust to the death?" Poseidon suggested.
The Flying Dutchman facepalmed and dragged his hand across his face.
"No, ye blue-blooded buffoons!" he threw his arms up. "I meant, why don't ye take this issue t' court?"
"That's a great idea, Dutchy!" SpongeBob beamed and squeezed himself out of Poseidon's grasp and stood on his fist.
"Justice always prevails in court!" he said naively. "Why, not too long ago, Plankton tried to swindle the Krabby Patty formula that way but the judge and jury knew the truth, and I and Mr. Krabs prevailed in the end."
"Right ye are, lad!" Krabs chuckled. "We'll all gladly be character witnesses…" he paused and rubbed his pinchers together"…fer the highest bidder."
One long, convoluted court case later…
We cut to panning camera footage showing various construction workers fixing up the demolished buildings across Bikini Bottom, until it focuses on a familiar field reporter.
"Perch Perkins here, reporting live from town square!" he said into his mike. "Thanks to King Neptune's divine intervention, I'm happy to tell you that the cyclones are finally over! Casualties numbered in the thousands, but what matters is that I'm still alive, and reporting." He gave the camera a big twinkle smile.
"And no one be happier 'bout this than me." The camera turned to the Flying Dutchman, who was carrying luggage and was decked out in a Hawaiian shirt, with flowers around his neck and no hat, exposing his bald, liver spot-ridden noggin.
"Cuz I'm goin' on vacation t' the Bermuda Triangle!" he laughed maniacally and rose into the air, accompanied by thunder and lightning, before proofing away.
Not far away from the news crew stood SpongeBob, Sandy and the real King Neptune (the John O'Hurley version), the latter proudly wielding his trident.
"I'm so glad that we could help you sort this mess out, your highness." SpongeBob told the king. "Now that those mean old fakers have been dealt with, things can finally get back to normal! Because the rightful ruler of the seas has secured his throne."
"You were right, SpongeBob." Neptune chuckled. "Justice always prevails! Honesty and virtue always trump lies and deceit."
A huge sports car parked next to him, driven by Richard A. Bottomfeeder, dressed up like a pimp with sunglasses, with a curvy and busty ladyfish with long, flowing blonde hair in the driver seat and a giant money sack in the back.
"Pleasure doing business with you, your majesty." The lawyer tipped his hat to Neptune, who leaned down to him and gave him his calling card.
"Let's stay in touch." Neptune whispered to him. "I think Triton might be planning a coup."
The lawyer nodded and drove off, while Neptune cleared his throat.
"Anyway…" he looked back at SpongeBob and Sandy. "As a token of my appreciation, I have decided to bestow you with a gift few commoners ever received!" he pointed at SpongeBob.
"Me?" SpongeBob gushed in excitement.
"Oh, yes, it's the least I can do. You deserve compensation!" Neptune used his trident to shoot at an empty patch of land and from it arose a structure identical to Stonehenge, except that it was made from porous boulders.
"Behold…SpongeHenge!" Neptune declared while raising his fist into the air. "A monument to your greatness!"
"It's beautiful…" SpongeBob's irises grew and he shed a tear.
But Sandy looked more skeptical. "Um…what exactly is he supposed t' do wit' a pile of rocks?"
"I dunno…" Neptune shrugged as he opened the door to a dolphin-drawn, conshell-shaped carriage "…but my royal advisors told me that this was the most cost-effective way to maintain my image as a benign and charitable king! Goodbye! Till we meet again, my loyal subjects!" his carriage took off, with Neptune waving though the window.
Sandy watched him go with a scrutinizing glare, while SpongeBob happily waved back.
"Aren't we all blessed to have such an awesome ruler?" he elbowed his friend and laughed merrily.
SpongeHenge, an episode that is sure to leave a bad taste in your mouth. This is another episode that I would call "uniquely bad", and like with a lot of people, I'm hard-pressed to pinpoint the exact reason behind its… badness. I mean, one thing's for sure, that ending sure doesn't do it any favors, where they more or less tell us that Bikini Bottom was destroyed by the underwater cyclone, that everyone SpongeBob knew died and that our lovable sponge was left to die alone in this wasteland, likely going insane and that his ghost is apparently haunting SpongeHenge thousands of years later, laughing maniacally. Yeah, not a good way to end an episode XD But what I was surprised by is how the first half of the episode isn't too bad, it even has some decent jokes, but once we get to the part where SpongeBob goes all Cast Away…yeah, the episode goes south.
I spent a long time waffling (pretty much since I started this fic) about how to tackle this particular episode, but then I remembered that conversation between the fish couple at the start of the episode, with them implying that it's Neptune himself who is causing this storm, with the wife then saying "No, Poseidon is the true ruler of the seas.", which then reminded me that this series has three different versions of Neptune/Poseidon (again, the two are the same deity in ancient mythology, just under different names), with the main commonality between them being that they are all some shade of green and all three are petulant manchildren, and the rest wrote itself.
And please, don't give me that "Actually, the first SpongeBob movie is the ending of the series" BS XD Firstly, the various installments in this series were never part of any planned-out, tightly-written narrative, all of them (down to each individual episode) were nothing more than random stuff various different writers came up with on the fly, because SpongeBob is and has always been a COMEDY…and now a bloated cash cow franchise that's been on life-support for 20 years. And secondly, like with the whole "SpongeBob is asexual" thing, Hillenburg made that off-hand claim not long after the first movie came out, obviously not expecting his show to go on for 50+ seasons. And at this point, you would really have to be an out-of-touch canon queen of a fanboy to claim that all the SpongeBob stuff that has come out since the first movie and has yet to come could all fit between "Help Wanted" and the first movie. Get real, people XD I wrote this as a funny way of addressing the Neptune debacle in the franchise and ultimately went with the OG Neptune as the "real one" (because he's frankly the most memorable incarnation of the character in the series XD).
And insert whichever real-life head (s) of state you think the three Neptunes represent XD