Ch 6- Beyond Measure
Mid-January 1915
"Well, what is it going to be?" Cora asked. Mary jumped, turning to see her very pregnant mother standing in her doorway.
"Oh, Mama." She gasped. "I'm sorry, you scared me I didn't know you were there."
"I'm sorry my dear." Cora smiled. "May I come in?"
"Of course."
"I know we only have a few minutes before the gong. But I thought it was high time we talked about this." Cora said gently, sitting down on Mary's bed.
"About what?" She raised an eyebrow, knowing perfectly well what the subject would be.
"Matthew and your baby sister."
Mary put her head down.
"I know this house and the title and it all means so much to you." Cora continued.
"You make me sound so horribly superficial…so vain."
"No." Cora beamed. "I know there's an awful lot to my Mary, including a good heart, one you hide far too often."
"I want to say yes, but I…"
"Then say it. I know I've told you before; but I really feel you should accept Matthew."
"And if it's a boy?" She said, gesturing toward her mother's midsection.
"So what if he's a boy?" Cora laughed, rubbing her side.
"Mama it changes everything!"
"It changes nothing." She insisted.
"Hmmm. You're American." Mary said pointedly.
"Your point being?" She laughed again.
"Mama I don't think you could ever understand what any of this means to me." She sighed.
"So what if it's a boy? Matthew will continue being who he is. He will be a lawyer and stay in his practice. Cousin Isobel will remain at Crawley house and you will live here anyway." Cora shrugged. "Do you really think that your own brother will care about that?"
"Perhaps not…" Mary seemed to be thinking. Suddenly she hoped very much that this baby, girl or boy, would be something like Sybil and absolutely nothing like Edith.
Cora paused, wondering if she should tell Mary what had been on her mind ever since Matthew first proposed to her. She and the Dowager both agreed on it and had previously elected not to confess this to Mary, but now Cora thought it best.
"Mary." She sighed. "I know you're thinking that you could do better, but the truth is you can't."
"What!" Mary asked sharply, her eyes almost glowing with anger. Cora sighed. She'd known this would set Mary off.
"It's not that you couldn't have whoever you wanted…or whoever you pretended you wanted. But Matthew." Cora smiled at the thought. "There just isn't anyone better than him, and particularly, there's no better match for you than him."
"Mama what are you saying?" Mary batted her eyelashes in disbelief.
"I'm saying you have a choice to make, yes that's true…I overheard what he challenged you to while he was gone." Cora paused, watching her daughter lower her gaze when she mentioned Matthew's absence and place in the war: she obviously did not want to think about it. "Have you made any progress, in finding yourself?"
"You must think so ill of me." Mary was crushed. She felt worthless, conflicted and even a bit betrayed. She'd always felt she exhibited the values her parents had instilled in her, after all.
"No. Never. I just want you to be happy."
Mary looked up slowly, staring back into her mother's eyes in disbelief.
"Happy?" She raised an eyebrow. "That's not what you raised me to want, you raised me to want Downton and position and power. Not….happiness."
Mary was deeply conflicted in every way to her those things were happiness. Any other life, blissful though it may be, seemed pointless to her.
"Happiness is worth more than its weight in gold." Cora added. "I'm sorry if you don't feel we conveyed that to you."
"So we're all about happiness now? We're for doing whatever we like on a whim with no sense of duty or respect or tradition?! I suppose that should mean that you and Papa will have no problem when Sybil runs off with Branson."
Cora put her head down having some idea of the flirtation her daughter was referring to. She wasn't comfortable with it, but she wasn't anywhere near as upset about it as her husband or Mary.
"And you'd be perfectly happy if Edith threw her life away and married poor old Anthony Strallan."
"Mary that's not fair he's n…"
"And then there's him." She said, obviously referring to the baby.
"If he's a boy, he's Benjamin." Cora corrected.
"Fine. Then there's Benjamin." She said calmly. "I'm sure you'll be fine with it if he grows up and decides he wants to marry Carson and Mrs. Hughes' baby."
Cora stopped cold when Mary said this. She was taken aback, something about the statement seeming oddly familiar to her. It was like de ja vu but far stranger in a way she could not describe.
"Mary that's a little far-fetched…" Cora defended.
"Is it?" She asked. "And to think; if that happened the law and everyone would be just fine with that wouldn't they?"
"Mary, I…" Cora thought Mary was being a bit paranoid now.
"It's true. The two of them, Benjamin and Carson's baby could just waltz right into the title, and into Downton. And then there's me who was born into it, who earned it and Matthew who was promised it."
"Oh Mary honey…"
"And that's the other thing, first it was Matthew, Matthew, Matthew and now we both get passed over for a baby." She said, beginning to laugh and cry at the same time. Mary was frustrated and found the whole idea of their being passed over in favor of a baby completely ridiculous.
"Shu." Cora soothed, taking Mary in her arms when she came and sat on the bed next to her. "I understand your hurt; getting passed over so many times when you're here and capable can't be easy. Your father and I are sorry for that. We thought you were deserving and capable."
"No you don't! Otherwise you would've fought for me in the first place, long before there was any baby." Cora remained silent: perhaps she had a point. "You must think me awful for saying all that you really must. And you surely don't think I'm capable of love: real love…" Mary continued, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
"Mary." Cora sighed. She kissed her daughter's head. "I know it isn't fair and it's a bit absurd. Your father and grandmother and I understand your feelings and don't think you're awful for them. But that's not what's important nor is lamenting the things none of us can help.
What's important now is getting yourself settled. I want you to think about what I've said, what Matthew has said and most of all what your heart says! The world won't always be the same place. And it certainly won't be the place you've grown up knowing, not for people like us. So do whatever you can to make sure that you're happy. Not happy because you've done your duty, or because you have what you think you were supposed to have, but because you're happy in your heart. That, my dear, will carry you through all your darkest days."
Mary laughed, wiping her tears when her mother left. She agreed the world was changing and supposed that it was becoming a world of oddity and injustice where she could still not inherit her mother's money and family's standing because she was a woman but her sister could run off with the chauffer and her baby brother could marry the butler's daughter and make her the lady of the house. It sounded absurd for her to say this, but technically speaking, it was all-true. If her new sibling was a boy, virtually one he chose to marry had her shot at the life she was supposed to have.
Mary sighed. She didn't know why she'd mentioned the Carson baby in particular, maybe because the idea was conceivable. After all, the two children were going to grow up together. She felt bad for mentioning Carson, whom she loved, in a way that insinuated resentment and decided that she wanted to go and find him. After all, he was the only person in the world who she thought could make her feel even an ounce better right then. She ventured downstairs to talk to him, running first into Mrs. Patmore who was kind but a bit flustered to see her.
"He went home early M'lady." She announced. "Mrs. Carson isn't feeling well."
…
"Hello darling." Elsie greeted, smiling brightly as her husband came through the front door.
A strong gust of wind came up and he struggled to close the door, the freezing air and a little bit of snow blowing into the house behind him. Carson removed his scarf, brushing the snow off his coat before looking up to greet her.
"Oh. Hello my love." He beamed.
Getting home on foot in the heavy snow had been a tremendous battle for Carson. A few times he wasn't even sure he would make it there in one piece. But coming home to his wife and his own cozy house made his long, tiring, dreary day all worth it. In particular, her radiant smile soothed his soul and he couldn't help but stop for a moment and just think 'my heaven, she's so pretty.'
"You must be freezing!" She exclaimed, wrapping a thick wool blanket around his shoulders.
"Are you alright?" He asked eagerly, not telling her he'd rushed home to make sure of that.
"Yes." She smiled, placing her hands on her stomach, rubbing it softly. "Baby is happy and I'm fine."
She kissed the tip of his nose and took his arm, leading him over to his chair in front of the fire where she had a cup of tea waiting for him. He shivered, wrapping the blanket further around himself as she sat on the ottoman and removed his boots.
"My love, you don't need to do that." He protested as she began to rub his feet. "If anything I should be rubbing your feet!"
Elsie was much further along now than she'd been even at Christmas and had taken the day off from work because her back hurt so much.
"Well then next it can be my turn." She giggled.
"Very well. You seem in better spirits than this morning..." He observed.
"Oh yes." She laughed, rubbing her stomach. "I am. I'm feeling much better."
"Now what I want to know is why you built a fire…"
He'd left her at home that morning and gone to Downton without her because she had an aching back and swollen feet. She'd been too tired to do much and he'd asked her not to make an effort at cooking, putting a fire in the hearth or anything else. He'd even made her promise to wait and have him do everything once he returned. But he could tell she had done all those things the minute he walked in the door and was greeted with the aroma of his favorite dinner.
"Oh, I was cold, well baby and I. Mr. Branson built the fire for me when he dropped me off." She explained.
"Mr. Branson?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. I went to see the doctor today."
He'd known of this, and ventured home early after finding out, just to make sure she was all right. Dr. Clarkson had told him nothing other than that she'd come to see him and should stay off her feet.
"Yes I know." He said pointedly. "So did I."
"Oh?" She asked, surprised.
"Yes. He came to see Lady Grantham and he said to make sure you stayed off your feet as much as possible."
"He did say that." She admitted.
"You're not going to do it, are you?" He asked.
"Hmmm?" She replied.
"Get off your feet." He clarified.
"Hmmm. I'm trying Charlie I really am but it's hard for me. I'm not used to resting, I've always been working, my whole life."
"I know love. And for that I'm sorry."
"No. Don't be sorry." She laughed. "So much of that was before I met you my love, and I've loved my work at Downton for the most part."
"Yes which is why you won't stop working now…"
"Well I stayed home today." She pointed out.
"So, why did you make dinner, and why was Mr. Branson here?"
"I made dinner because it's a special night." She began, kissing his cheek and beginning to get up. He grabbed her wrist very gently and held her there with him.
"Wait…what's going on?" He asked, tired of her elusiveness.
She sighed. "I made dinner because you deserve it. And because I was hungry, well, baby and I… and I felt a bit better. This morning, as you know, I wasn't feeling so well. In fact, I thought for a minute that maybe the baby was coming…." She confessed.
"What?!" He panicked. "Why didn't you…"
"So I called up to the house."
"Without my knowing? Elsie why didn't you tell me?"
"Yes, yes without your knowing. I didn't want to alarm you because I figured it was likely nothing and it was. But I had Mr. Branson drive me to see Dr. Clarkson just to check it out, that's all."
"That's all?! What all did he say?" He asked eagerly. He'd known she'd gone to see Dr. Clarkson because of something more urgent than a backache.
"That my back is getting worse for a couple of reasons, namely because the baby is getting ready to be born now."
"W-what? Already, but…." He questioned a little overwhelmed by this.
"Yes already. He says I only have a month and a half left to go before he's born, so an early March baby, almost a spring baby." She smiled.
Elsie was sick of all of this: pregnancy and the harsh winter were both taking their toll on her emotionally and physically. So the idea that the baby and spring would both arrive soon was tremendously exciting to her, she felt like it gave her all the hope in the world and enough strength to continue on.
Carson gulped. "That's soon…"
"You're not afraid of baby Charlie are you?" She teased slightly saddened he wasn't thrilled by what she considered happy news.
"You're still sure about naming her Charlie?" He raised an eyebrow. "Here. It's your turn, my love." He insisted.
She complied and put her feet on his lap, sighing as he began to massage them. Elsie was still insistent she was having a boy, not because her heart was set on it, but because most of the time she was sure that's what it would be. Carson, on the other hand was quite convinced they were having a daughter, or at least he wanted to be (he really wasn't either).
"Yes." She said. "Anyway. He said he or she's grown quite a bit…but that we could see. I'm huge."
"No one could ever call you that love."
"You're too kind, but I am and you know it just as well as I do. He said the baby's head is changing position, which is probably causing some of my pain but more than anything I'm having something called false labor."
"What?! Is it serious?" He panicked.
"No." She giggled, reaching behind herself to rub her back. "It just sometimes feels quite like the real thing when it's not."
"I mean is it dangerous?!' He was frantic now.
"No…" She paused. "Not insofar is it's going to cause the baby to actually come early…" He sighed with relief and she continued. "He just said to pay close attention to it, and make sure that it hasn't turned into the real thing without my realizing."
Elsie kissed his cheek and got up to tend to the dinner on the stove, leaving him very alarmed and slightly dazed.
…..
An hour or so had passed and they were sitting together in his armchair in front of the fire. Both of them were tired and cuddled up together nearly ready to fall asleep. She sat partially on his lap, and he rested his head on top of hers. Neither was sure who enjoyed their closeness more but both felt they wanted to stay there forever.
"What all did you do today?"
"I went to the doctor and after the pains stopped I sewed for the baby and went through all the things that Anna and I have made. We have quite a lot I'm happy to say."
"That's wonderful, please tell me there's at least a little pink."
"There's quite a lot of pretty pink." She promised, leaning into kiss him. "I'm sorry we haven't made love in months." She apologized when they pulled apart.
He was surprised, almost aghast that she brought this up and raised an eyebrow as he stared back at her. The thought had occurred to her randomly earlier in the day and she felt the need to address it even though he didn't like discussing things like this.
"Oh my love." He hugged her, his eyes already closed. "You don't need to be sorry for that; it's ridiculous. You're having a baby anytime now; you have no place worrying about that. Besides. This is the most intimate thing in the world to me: just being with you by the fire. After all, the freedom to do this is everything I always wanted."
"Oh Charlie you're so very sweet."
"I'm so proud of you. And I love coming home to you. I've worked my whole life to come home to you everyday and I couldn't love anything in the whole world more than I love this, or you."
"Oh Charlie I couldn't love anything more than I love you." She whispered, kissing him softly. "And sooner than we think there will be someone small here to greet you when you come home who, like me loves you beyond measure."