Ch 6- Promises You Can't Keep

September 22nd, 1897

"Do you think maybe soon, Mrs. Carson?" He whispered.

Elsie bristled at his question. She did not want to discuss this. The couple was standing quietly in the corner of the room, waiting to be needed. It was baby Sybil's first birthday party and the house was swarming with guests. The baby's birthday was a big day for them too, it marked their fourteen-month wedding anniversary and made Carson some how more excited about their own efforts at having a child.

"Oh… maybe." She said weakly, feigning a semblance of calmness.

She knew she had to remain poised but was having an extraordinarily difficult time holding back tears. Even Elsie had been surprised at the realization that the child's birthday seemed to cause her pain. She didn't want to think about children and here they were, all around her: it broke her heart. The last thing she wanted was her husband asking questions about the whereabouts of their own offspring who (almost a year and a half into their union) were missing in action at this point.

She'd yet to discuss any of it with him and dreaded doing so, hoping a miracle would happen suddenly and she'd be able to avoid the painful topic. She knew he'd be devastated and perhaps even more hurt than she was. She hated the idea of crushing him like this, especially now when he was so hopeful and happy about having a child. She didn't understand how he hadn't come to the same conclusion she had by now.

The worst part was she knew he'd be angry when she brought it up. He hated discussions that were very intimate in nature. She found it kind of funny how he didn't mind living a secret life with her, and how he relished spending nights alone with her in the privacy of his bedroom, and yet he did not like to talk about sex.

"Maybe?" He laughed. "I should think it would be sooner than later now, don't you?"

"Oh Charlie I…" She bit her lip.

"Mrs. Hughes? Do you have something to tell me?" He brightened suddenly.

Elsie couldn't handle the sick feeling in her stomach anymore and at once bolted from the room, making a bit too much noise as she did so. A few people turned to look but no one really paid attention save Cora who stared back as Carson followed her out of the room. Lady Grantham knew instinctively that something was not right and it piqued her concern. It was something she would never inquire about but also something she'd never forget.

Out of sight Elsie started to cry as she rushed away from the party, through the green baize door and down the first few steps. She thought she was home free when suddenly she felt a hand grab her arm and yank her back onto the landing.

"My love what is wrong?" Carson asked, lovingly cupping her cheeks in his hands as she cried. "I know trying is frustrating, but soon it…"

"No, no Charlie. Not soon: it won't be that way."

"W-what do you mean? Of course it will! It's been a little over a year, yes but we really love each other and want this child and we keep…"

She shook her head no, sniffling through her tears, still finding the strength to look in his eyes. She was ashamed and didn't want to look at him when she told him. She knew it was ridiculous and that he wouldn't share her opinion, but she felt like a failure as a wife and a woman.

"Charlie." She finally gathered the strength to say. "Charlie I…I think something's wrong with me. I don't think I can have a baby." She managed before she broke down crying again.

"Oh, oh Elsie my love." He soothed, taking her into his arms and holding her tight once she started to cry again. "There it'll be alright."

"Charlie please don't make promises you can't keep."

…

February 3rd, 1915- 9PM

"I wish you'd sit down. You don't need to be doing that." Carson insisted.

"Oh my love I told you I'm fine and the baby is fine." Elsie laughed, rubbing her stomach gently as she worked.

They were in Downton's kitchen all alone and with no one else around he took the opportunity to come up behind her, placing his hands on her stomach and kissing her cheek.

"Hmm it's nice far you to hold me, Mr. Carson." She giggled, allowing herself to settle into her husband's strong embrace.

It comforted him to hold her and for a moment he laid his head on her shoulder, discretely kissing her neck.

"It's wonderful to have the freedom to hold you Mrs. Hughes."

"Baby and I are quite fine." She reassured. "I know yar worried because of Lady Grantham but…"

"No I'm worried about you." He said pointedly.

The whole house was going crazy around them because Lady Grantham had just had her first labor pains and Dr. Clarkson was about to arrive. Everyone was rushing around to make last minute preparations and settle the family in for the birth. Carson was in the kitchen watching his wife finish something she was working on and was immensely frustrated: he wanted her to sit down.

"I know you are worried love, but I feel good." She promised.

"Hmmm." He wasn't sure.

He was deeply concerned about her, more so than usual, and had been for days. In particular he could not shake the feeling that something was profoundly different about her today but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. It was late now and they'd stayed to eat dinner with everyone because they were both too tired to cook anything. He was annoyed and had felt this nagging need to get Elsie home all day long but didn't know why. Needless to say, he hadn't wanted to stay but Mrs. Patmore had insisted.

They'd finally been just about to leave when they'd heard the news that Cora was having her baby (which was three days overdue). As a result, everyone including his wife had sprung into action. Mrs. Patmore and Daisy were fast at work making snacks for the family who would likely be awake for the better part of the next day or so and Elsie was instructing the maids, making sure that everything was ready upstairs.

He disapproved of the fact that she was working in her very pregnant state, and felt she was putting undue pressure on herself. She'd just reached month eight and it made him worry deeply about her health and the safety of the baby. Moreover, what kind of man was he to allow her to work like this even if she wanted to?

Elsie was in the kitchen now but for the past half hour she'd been running up and down the stairs back and forth from the basement to the second floor. He resented this greatly and wished desperately that they'd left a few minutes earlier and missed the news altogether. Elsie however insisted that she was fine, that she felt much better that day than she had in weeks, and even somewhat energetic. He still stood behind her, hugging her tighter as his mind wandered and he continued to worry.

"Oh look at you, you two love birds. They're cute, Daisy aren't they cute?" Mrs. Patmore teased sweetly as she came back into the kitchen; Daisy at her heals.

The young girl was shy about seeing the couple in such an intimate position and Carson didn't care for it either but Elsie grabbed his hands, holding them in their place over her stomach so there he stayed. He paused feeling their unborn child kick.

"See, you feel that Charlie, baby's fine." Elsie whispered, rubbing her side and ignoring Beryl.

He watched her as she worked, wondering how far along she really was. Like with Cora's pregnancy, Dr. Clarkson hadn't been completely sure. She'd gotten bigger and more tired in the last week or so, and he thought that perhaps she was as far along as Lady Grantham after all, a possibility Elsie and Dr. Clarkson had both dismissed when he mentioned it. He wanted to suggest this to her again but didn't for fear of making her mad at him (she'd been extra moody the past week and he didn't have any desire to be on the wrong end of that). So, he decided to refrain: after all, as far as they'd been told their baby was likely at least three weeks away if not a little more. He tried to stay calm and remember this reassurance from Dr. Clarkson just days before, but he couldn't help being skeptical: she just seemed…almost too pregnant to him now.

"Elsie I…"

"Oooh." She moaned. She felt something kind of funny in her back but figured it was just the baby kicking. "Charlotte Carson, stop it." She took a breath. Carson raised an eyebrow: he was holding her and he'd felt the baby stop moving.

"Elsie…" He warned.

"Oh is that her name?!" Daisy cried.

"Yes. That's her name… if she's a girl." Elsie smiled. She thought it was probably a boy, but still addressed the baby as Charlotte sometimes because she loved the name.

"It sounds like Charlie!" The girl explained, suddenly afraid she was speaking out of turn.

"Yes it does, that's the point. I want to name the baby after Mr. Carson, Charlie for boy, Charlotte for a girl."

"Which it most certainly will be!" Mrs. Patmore added. Elsie rolled her eyes, looking back up at her husband.

He looked down at her as Beryl continued to talk in the background; neither of them listened to her and just stared at each other's eyes, transfixed. He noted hers seemed to smile back at him and it filled his heart with the deepest love. Daisy watched attentively, noting they didn't seem to notice or care she was there (which was very un-Carson of them).

"Boy or girl it'll be wonderful and I can't wait." He whispered, reassuring her that he'd love to have a son too.

"Mmmm me neither." He kissed her again.

"Mrs. Carson." Anna stuck her head in the door. "I'm sorry but your really needed upstairs.

"Oh it's alright. I'll be there in a moment. I'll be right back love." She said, breaking away from him.

He sighed deeply. Daisy could tell he was angry. "Elsie I think it would be best if you rested, Daisy can go for you."

"That's right." She agreed. "Wait I what?"

Daisy, you see, was nervous about having anything to do with the birth of either of the two babies that were expected at Downton and Mrs. Patmore had volunteered her to assist with both, insisting it would be good for her.

"I'll be fine. I'm not in labor, and I'm not going into labor." Elsie laughed, kissing his cheek and leaving the room. She paused at the door for a split second, feeling that funny kick in her back again, and then headed up the stairs.

Carson sighed again. He'd been insisting she sit for hours now and she kept refusing him, claiming her back felt better when she stood. Not knowing what else to do, he went back to work himself. Now that the Grantham baby was coming there was a lot for him to attend to all of a sudden. He quickly dialed in on his own work, deciding not to worry about Elsie and the baby. She'd assured him she was fine a hundred times that day, and a few days before the doctor had done the same. As such, he didn't notice when she came back into the kitchen.

She stopped when she reached the center of the room. There it was again, that funny little pinch. It was maybe the fifth time she'd felt it, but it was stronger this time.

"Oooh." She groaned.

"What?!" Carson turned suddenly, already on edge.

"Oh its nothing it just…Oh that's not right." She had to admit.

"What's going on its…. oooh!" Beryl exclaimed, looking down at Elsie's feet. Daisy stood behind her, her eyes wide.

"What…oh." Carson understood instantly, his heart beginning to speed up. He'd not expected to witness this.

"Your water's broke!" Beryl exclaimed excitedly.

"Oh." Elsie looked down at her now soaked feet, a little shaken. She couldn't believe this was happening, it was too early!

Carson swooped in and grabbed her arms to steady her. "Daisy, go and get Dr. Clarkson." He ordered.

"But…" She was astounded. She wasn't typically, allowed to be seen upstairs unless it was very early in the morning.

"Go!" He commanded sharply. The girl shuddered and then turned, running out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"I don't think that's really necessary just yet…" Elsie protested. While her water may've broken she wasn't really in pain and she knew she wasn't in real labor. The doctor could wait.

"Of course it's necessary! Your having…your having my…" Carson started to get nervous.

"She's having your baby!" Mrs. Patmore finished his thought.

"Yes I think I know! Elsie, please sit, please I've been asking you all day."

"Fine but I'm fine it's not really necessary. Not until the pain starts and it hasn't, so I can keep…"

"No." Carson said sternly.

"Mr. Carson's right. You shoulda been off your feet all this time."

"I told you I'm fine, my mother…"

"We're living in modern times you don't have to do what your mother did." Beryl protested.

"Oh and so you're on about modern times now?!" Elsie retorted.

"Daisy what did he say?" Carson asked the moment the girl ran back into the room.

She was nervous. In fact she felt queasy and even a little faint. "He said to bring her upstairs."

"Upstairs?!" The three asked at once.

"H-he said that he couldn't deliver two babies at once, not when you're downstairs and Lady Grantham's upstairs… Lord Grantham said it would be alright so…"

"Alright." Carson sighed. "Up we go then."

"Daisy, go back up and tell him I don't need to go anywhere." Elsie informed. "I'm not ready yet…C-Charlie!" She cried when he tried to pick her up. "Your back!"

"What?" Beryl asked.

"He has a bad back! Charlie Carson you put me down right now! You're going to hurt yourself!"

"I may have a bad back but I'm certainly strong enough to pick up my pregnant wife when she's about to give birth."

"I'm not about to give birth! And wouldn't it be worse to drop your pregnant wife?!" She asked as he carried her up the stairs.

She continued to talk and he didn't listen. By this time, the hallways were completely vacant. The family had all vacated the area, the women (including Ms. O'Brien) were with Cora, and Robert and Matthew were in the library. Daisy led them up the second flight of stairs, past all the family's quarters and to one of the guest rooms.

"Charlie I'm not having it right now. I'd prefer to wait downstairs until I feel like laying down."

"Let's just see what Dr. Clarkson says." He said, gently laying her on the bed and beginning to remove her shoes.

"Alright." She sighed, figuring couldn't argue with that.

"Daisy, there are a lot of things we're going to need." Mrs. Patmore began.

"Like what?"

"Just come with me, and hurry!"

"You're all being ridiculous, you don't need to hurry with anything!" Elsie called after them.

Carson was happy that Daisy and Mrs. Patmore left them alone for a few minutes. He had wanted a moment alone with her before he had to leave her.

"Are you alright?" He took her hand, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm a bit scared." She confided, letting her guard down now that they were alone.

"Oh my love. It'll be alright." He tried to comfort even though he was worried too. He leaned his forehead against hers and kissed her nose. "We're going to have the most perfect baby, you and I. It'll all be alright, trust me." He smiled.

"Oh my Charlie I do trust you." She whispered, beginning to cry. "But it's too early, this can't be its too early for the baby Charlie…"

"Shu…" He soothed, drying her tears. "The baby's strong. It'll all be alright."

"Will you make a promise to me Charles Carson?" She asked very seriously.

"Anything." He whispered, rubbing his nose gently against hers.

"If it's not all alright, and something happens to me, then you take that baby and you love him like you've never loved anyone else in the whole world."

"Of course my darling." He kissed her forehead, not wanting to dwell on what she'd asked. Much to his chagrin, she continued.

"You be proud of your son. You treasure your daughter. And tell him or her Mummy loves him, every single day. Don't forget." She winced, suddenly reaching out to grab his hand.

She shut her eyes and paused, squeezing his hand very tightly. He understood right away that her pain was starting to come on but neither of them commented on it. When it was finished she continued.

"And…and if it's not alright." She hesitated, not even wanting to say it. "And something happens to the baby…you'll hold me and tell me it's not my fault, that it'll be alright and not hate me for it." Elsie's heart hung heavy and she started to worry that she'd been foolish and that perhaps she had been working too hard.

"Oh my love. It isn't your fault. I could never hate you for anything, and I'll make you another promise: it won't be that way."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She whispered.

"I promise I'm keeping this one my love and I promise that no matter what happens I'm here for you and for Charlie and for Charlotte."

"Charlie you're going to make the sweetest Daddy ever." She smiled: his words touched her heart, and now no matter what was going to happen she felt at peace now.

"That's all that's about to happen my love. I promise."

….

Carson left his wife shortly after Dr. Clarkson came, feeling overwhelmed, discouraged and completely nervous. He was worried not only about the baby being a bit early but; about Elsie and how much pain she'd be in. He hadn't thought about it much before but now it was hitting him hard. He didn't want to be responsible for that, and he certainly did not want to hear it that was for sure.

"I just came to see how everything was coming along, M'lord." He said, stepping into the library where Lord Grantham and Matthew were sitting. "If you don't mind, I think I'll go downstairs for a while, and leave you in William's very capable hands."

"Oh Carson, don't be ridiculous, do sit! William, please fetch Carson a scotch on the rocks, or whatever else he'd like."

"But M'Lord certainly…" Carson protested.

"Nonsense Carson, whatever it is you had to do, Bates will take care of for you. We have a long night ahead of us you and I; and nothing's more important than all of that."

"If you insist, M'Lord." He said begrudgingly.

"You certainly shouldn't have to work right now. Please my good man, sit with us."

The truth was, he was nervous for Elsie's sake and because he couldn't be with her, he wanted to throw himself into his work so he wouldn't have to think about what was happening to her. He adored his wife. She was all he had and she met more to him than anything else in the whole world. He couldn't stand the thought of hearing her scream in pain and not be able to do anything to help her. The idea made him feel sick and scared and worthless. Moreover, it something happened to her he didn't really want to soldier on for the sake of his child: he wanted to die too.

"You know you don't have to be so nervous." Lord Grantham insisted.

"Oh but I do." He corrected.

"Not as nervous as me I'm afraid." Matthew admitted.

"Oh Matthew you know if it's a boy I'd never throw you out into the cold." Robert told him. "I love you like my son and you're part of this family."

"Well, it isn't quite that. I've become rather accustomed to the idea that it's a boy and I'm out. I'm all right with the idea of well of living on my own wits. It's Mary that I don't…."

"If I may be forward Mr. Crawley." Carson began. "I feel you haven't much to worry about on that score."

Matthew was waiting for news of his own that evening: whether Mary would say yes or not. He'd given her an ultimatum about the possible engagement, telling her he would not marry her if it was a girl and she accepted after the birth. Now he figured all hope was lost for him. It was a shame he really had loved her.

"I agree." Robert added. Matthew raised an eyebrow.

"If only I could believe you."

"Hello." Came a polite voice. The three men looked up when they saw Isobel standing in the doorway, black bag in hand.

"Mother what are you doing here?" Matthew asked. "I thought you had another engagement."

"I did and it was a wonderful dinner. Dr. Clarkson called me to help him. He's not used to delivering two at a time so I'm here to care for Mrs. Carson. And don't worry." She smiled, turning to Carson. He said nothing but she knew he was worried. "I've delivered plenty of babies. She'll be just fine." Isobel reassured and then turned to go up the stairs.

"She is quite right Carson." Robert attempted to reassure again. "I've done it three times before, of course you worry but…."

"How long does it take?" Matthew asked. He knew very little about all of this.

"Hours, even up to days." Robert remarked, seeing Carson cringe. "I'm sorry old man." He apologized. "But you know what it's like, you remember when the girls were born."

"Yes, yes I do..."

"She'll be just fine." Robert promised.

"Perhaps, but you must remember M'lord, mine wasn't supposed to arrive for another month."