Ch 8- In An Instant, Part I

Elsie's heart ached. It wasn't a longing, sorrowful type of ache, but rather a slow, gut-wrenching pain that hung in the air and could be felt with increasingly greater enormity in each passing second. It was the sting of guilt, and deep regret, mixed with the kind of fear only a mother's heart could harbor, that which could not be rivaled by anything else. Elsie would come to find, however, that the strength and intensity of her labor pains would match her sorrow, and that ultimately the emotional angst would subside, giving away to the sheer enormity of her physical pain.

It wasn't until her husband left the room and Mrs. Patmore returned, that she understood how devastated she really was. The doctor's confirmation that she was in fact having the baby had been a crushing blow to her and had made her realize she'd been in denial about her water breaking when Charlie carried her up the stairs. He had stayed with her when Dr. Clarkson came to examine her. And once they'd both left, Beryl helped her change clothes all the while yelling at Daisy to do this or that. Elsie was too upset to really listen.

She couldn't believe it: the baby was coming early, nearly a month early.

Dr. Clarkson had said he thought the baby was big enough to survive outside her womb now and to try not to worry, but both she and Charlie were panicked. This was their precious baby, who they loved more than themselves and had so many, many plans for. Both of them would scale heaven and earth save it, and as such, felt helpless now simply waiting for its arrival. But there was nothing to do but wait. They wouldn't know anything, you see, until they heard the baby cry. And for both of them, the waiting game felt like throwing their whole lives, and everything they'd ever dreamed of to chance.

"It'll be fine, it'll be just fine!" Beryl reassured as she helped Elsie back into bed, her tone completely panicked in a way that made Elsie feel sick.

"Mummy is sorry she didn't give you the chance you deserved." Elsie whispered very quietly, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Mrs. Patmore was talking a mile a minute and didn't hear what she said, but Daisy did.

Elsie thought, of course, that this was all her fault for not resting that day: it was not. She cradled her stomach protectively, noting that it was too late for any of that now. All the love in the world would do her baby no good.

"Daisy! Daisy where are you with those cloths!" Mrs. Patmore yelled.

"Mrs. Patmore." Elsie began calmly. She was upset, but thought it wise to remain as calm as possible. "I'm fine so far, just some pinching in my back, that's all for now. It doesn't hurt much. Please don't rush poor Daisy for anything that I don't need."

Elsie was afraid, and guilt ridden but she also thought it was ridiculous they'd put her to bed already. First babies took hours, or so she was told. She wasn't in much pain yet and wouldn't have called the doctor if he weren't already there. She figured she could rest downstairs until she was ready. That's what she would've preferred anyway, but Charles and Mrs. Patmore had gone into collective panic when her water broke suddenly and in the middle of the kitchen after dinner. Both ran about like chickens with their heads cut off. They took nervous but swift action, deciding what to do without discussing it with her. Elsie observed that she was the one having the baby, and yet she was almost an afterthought to them in those moments. Her word on her own condition seemed to mean little or nothing to them and she resented it.

"Are you mad!" Mrs. Patmore asked. "It's…"

Elsie took a breath. "I know it's going to hurt, and soon, but I'm fine right now. The contractions are very far apart and I just don't fancy sitting here waiting for it to come on full force when…"

"But…."

"Mrs. Patmore it could be days before the baby comes!" Elsie insisted.

In an odd way, Elsie hoped it would be days. She wouldn't even mind being in labor for that long, if only it would buy her baby some time for his lungs to mature a little more. Dr. Clarkson had told them that was the only real risk for the baby: underdeveloped lungs. And that it was a very real risk indeed.

Elsie and Beryl looked up when they heard a quiet but authorative knock on the partially open guestroom door.

"Mrs. Patmore, there's no reason to panic." Isobel informed as she came into the room, black bag in hand.

"Thank you." Elsie mouthed when Mrs. Patmore wasn't looking in her direction. Isobel smiled slightly in understanding.

"Oh Mrs. Crawley you're…" Mrs. Patmore was surprised and didn't understand why she was there.

"Here to stay with you and to assist Dr. Clarkson." She smiled pleasantly. "How are you feeling Mrs. Carson?"

"Oh I'm fine. It doesn't even hurt much yet I've only had a... Hmm." She groaned, "Wait, never mind that."

"That's only seven minutes since the last one!" Beryl informed. "See I told you it isn't going to be days!"

Mrs. Patmore continued to talk and Isobel leaned in to grab Elsie's hand. She clung to it tightly and found herself unable to keep from crying out this time. Elsie's mind started to race and with that came the most incredible feeling of hopelessness. She could no longer sit back and beg indifference; claiming that nothing was happening. The changes going on within her body were drastic and far too significant to ignore. Elsie gulped as she clung to Mrs. Crawley's hand, in worse pain now that she understood this was the onset of the real thing and there was no going back. Moments before it had been nothing, but now here it was, all consuming and merciless.

…

"Any word?" Robert asked suddenly, jumping to his feet, when his oldest daughter came in the room.

Carson and Matthew looked up at Lord Grantham surprised by how startled he was. Carson supposed, though, that he would respond similarly when Mrs. Crawley came into the room to get him. Like his wife he was scared out of his mind, ridden with guilt and had no idea what to expect. In the past he'd never thought much about Elsie's actually having the baby…he'd only considered, well getting to the point of expecting one in the first place and later of raising it.

Reflecting on it now, he supposed he had expected to be nervous-excited when the time came…not scared to death that after months of joyful expectation and a long painful ordeal on his wife's part he wouldn't be becoming a father after all. And that's what he was for the moment: scared to death and quietly praying.

Mary shook her head no. "Actually I'm here to speak with Matthew."

"Matthew! At a time like this?!" Robert was upset.

"Yes." Matthew acknowledged, crossing the room to see Mary. "We have some matters to discuss."

"Important matters Papa." Mary reminded, raising her eyebrow.

"Yes. Vitally important ones." Matthew agreed as he took her arm and the two turned and walked out of the room.

"What could be more important than your mother at a time like this?!" Robert called, sounding almost angry as they walked away.

Carson cleared his throat and Robert turned around to look at him, surprised.

"I'm sorry m'lord." Carson apologized. "But, I think you know what that's about."

"Yes." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair and returning to his chair. "I suppose I do. I almost hope it's a girl again." Robert admitted. "It would keep order around here and I need some order in my life…Carson, what about you?"

"I should much prefer a daughter m'lord."

"They are wonderful I must say that." Robert smiled.

He'd always wanted a son, but he could never deny that he loved his daughters as much as he could love any boy. He knew Mary did not believe that and it hurt him very much.

"What is the child's name to be?" Robert continued.

In a way he felt odd to be left out the loop when it came to the Carsons and their plans. He'd been happy for them and generous with them but not overtly friendly. Cora on the other hand, had gone out of her way to befriend Elsie and to ensure that the children would grow up in each other's perpetual company, something he was still skeptical of.

Robert was not the kind of man who believed in fate. At first, he'd assumed that it was merely a coincidence that the Carsons (a couple who were also too old to have a baby) would suddenly be expecting at the same time as them. But now that he and Carson were there together becoming fathers on the same night, and in his house, he realized that something beyond mere coincidence was transpiring and decided that if there was ever a time for him to begin being friendly rather than nice, it was now.

"Charlie or Charlotte m'lord." He answered. Robert noted he smiled brightly at the mention of Charlotte.

"Ours is Elizabeth or Benjamin. Now, tell me something. Suppose that Charlie and Elizabeth are supposed to grow up together as good friends."

"Yes m'lord."

"Well, do you suppose they really could? I mean, two little girls or two little boys certainly but..."

"I think it depends on the children m'lord." Carson didn't say it but he'd also been skeptical of Lady Grantham's idea.

Actually, in the beginning he'd been enthusiastic and his wife had been skeptical. He'd encouraged her to accept the idea and the offer for the babies to share a nanny. After all, they needed someone to care for their child while they worked and he figured it wouldn't hurt for him or her to become a friend of the family. As time went on though, he became more skeptical of the idea and she grew more comfortable with it.

He'd felt very good about the whole thing until one night when he suddenly realized that one child could be a lot like his wife and the other very much like Lady Mary. He couldn't see a child, who was a miniature version of his wife, taking well to one that was a mini Mary. After that he'd narrowed his view of the whole thing, supposing that the children might not end up best friends as their mothers had planned, but worst enemies.

…

"Are you alright?" Mrs. Patmore asked quietly, placing a cold cloth over Elsie's head.

"Hmmm. Yes. I think so." She whispered, rubbing her stomach softly.

Each time a contraction ended she put all her energy into communing with the baby, who she could still feel kicking around. She'd taken to hugging herself and brushing her stomach. Elsie didn't realize she was doing this to comfort herself more than to comfort the baby.

'Mummy's here with you and she loves you. You are not alone and never will be no matter what happens.' She whispered impossibly quietly.

Elsie was dedicated to lavishing love on the baby, although she doubted it would help. More than anything though, she wanted to eek out every moment she spent with her living child, even if she was not yet born. If there was even a small chance that this pregnancy had been the only time she was getting with her baby, she was not going to waste a moment of it especially as it was drawing to a close.

"You're doing very well, Mrs. Carson." Isobel encouraged.

"Do you really think so?" She moaned.

Elsie was miserable and thought she was laboring horribly. She faulted herself for staying active during her pregnancy; figuring it was to blame for the baby's being early. She would never know that this was not the case, and that actually the converse was true. Activity had felt good for her because it was, and ultimately, it made her far stronger and more prepared for labor than say Cora who'd sat on a mound of fluffed up pillows for the last six or seven months.

"Yes. You're managing the pain well and the baby's not showing any signs of distress. That's a very good sign."

"So you think he's alright?" She had to ask.

"Well, he's big…" Isobel began.

"I promise it's a girl! I insist you use the correct pronoun." Mrs. Patmore interjected.

"Mrs. Patmore I don't know if…"

"Charlotte. This is Auntie Beryl. Don't listen to your mother! Forgive her she'll know soon enough you're a girl."

"Fine." Elsie sighed. "Do you think she's alright?"

Isobel felt bad, sensing the panic in the expectant mother's voice.

"I think the baby's big enough. At her size babies are mostly ready to be born."

"Mrs. Crawley?" Elsie moaned she could feel more pain coming on, this time it was stronger. She shut her eyes tightly, bracing herself.

"Hmmm?" Isobel asked.

"If baby doesn't make it. Mr. Carson and I…. well, we need a few moments alone with him, the two of us." She cringed and both Isobel and Beryl took a hand, Daisy looked on horrified from her place on the other side of the room where she was preparing the bassinet for the baby. Elsie wished she wouldn't do that; she felt like it was a bad omen.

"Aaaahhhhh!" The four women jumped when they heard Cora begin to scream.

…

"Lady Mary come quickly!" Anna cried, practically sliding sideways as she ran into the room.

Mary and Matthew had been discussing, or rather, arguing about their supposed engagement when Anna rushed into the room. She was clearly distressed and out of breath and right away both Mary and Matthew understood something was the matter.

"What? What's happened?!" Mary asked, her eyes wide with concern.

"I'll tell you on the way m'lady, but Dr. Clarkson says you need to come now!"

"Matthew I'll be back, please not a word of this to Papa!" She demanded, following her maid out of the room without another word.

Matthew sighed wondering how he was supposed to keep such a thing a secret from Robert. It was a burden he did not want when he was already so confused and hurt. Deciding he wanted to be alone, Matthew chose a book of Robert's poured a drink and sat down to wait.

…

"You may recall Sybil was a little early." Robert offered suddenly.

"That's right, she was!" Carson looked up hopefully, having totally forgotten.

"She was small but just fine." Robert smiled, reflecting back on his youngest child's birth.

Both men were nervous and could hear screaming going on upstairs. Neither of them knew which of their wives it was but in an odd way it didn't matter. As men who treasured their wives, the sound rattled them both to the core. Robert sat back and watched his friend in relative silence for a few moments. He could tell he was very upset and even before now, he'd decided he wanted to do something to help brighten his spirits.

Carson nor or anyone else would ever know that Robert had done something substantial for Elsie and her baby. Robert felt partially mistaken in having done it and he certainly hoped Cora would never discover it. The more he thought about it though; he felt he'd made the right decision. Being that it was their fourth child and the Carson's first and only chance at a baby they'd wanted for many years, Robert had told Dr. Clarkson that if anything went wrong with both of the women and it was between the two babies to save Mrs. Carson and her child instead of his own child. It was an honorable gesture that Robert would never feel anything but dishonor for.

Carson jumped when they heard another scream.

"It's alright my good man, it'll pass." Robert assured.

Carson looked up toward the ceiling, teary eyed.

"Yes." He considered.

"It's a gift, you know."

"Hmmm?" Carson asked.

"Fatherhood."

"Oh I know." Carson was nervous.

On one hand, he couldn't wait for it to pass, in the hope that he could hold his baby. And on the other he wanted to stay there forever, waiting in limbo, where his baby was alive and he still had the hope of having a positive outcome.

"It's the greatest gift I've ever been given." Robert reflected and Carson quietly agreed. "And I'm honored to be receiving it again. And you… Carson. I don't know if anyone's told you, but you're going to be terrific at this. You'll make a wonderful father."

"Thank you m'lord." He beamed.

"Carson." Isobel smiled, coming into the room.

"W-what has it happened?" He asked, panicked. Robert also looked back, expectation in his eyes.

"No, she's just asking for you."

"Oh..." He was surprised and put down his drink, standing up to go with her.

"She quite wants to see you. She's doing wonderfully so far."

"So all the screaming we've been hearing?" Robert raised an eyebrow.

"Cousin Cora, mostly." Isobel informed Robert, sadly. "But Mrs. Carson would love to see you, she says it will help get her though."

"Very well." He gulped.

Robert could tell Carson was nervous, and watched him enviously as he followed Isobel upstairs. He wanted to see Cora even if she was miserable.

"Oh my poor darling I'm so, so sorry." Robert whispered, taking another drink.

Carson followed Mrs. Crawley upstairs, immediately feeling that he should not be there. He could hear Cora screaming and felt like being too near was an invasion of her privacy… it made him uncomfortable. Then again he heard nothing coming from his wife's room and that worried him. He wondered for a moment if perhaps the baby had come after all and they were just waiting to tell him, or worse, something had happened and the baby was…he couldn't think of it, and suddenly he was eager to see his wife.

"Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Carson you have a visitor." Isobel announced.

"Oh Charlie, my Charlie hello." She smiled, lying back down in a mound of

pillows that hadn't been there when he'd left the room.

He watched as Mrs. Patmore lay a wet cloth on her forehead. She looked tired, her hair was down (he liked seeing it that way and wished she would keep it like that) and she was covered in sweat but he found her beautiful nonetheless.

"Hello my love." He smiled.

"Come on, let's leave them alone for a few minutes." Isobel urged, pulling Beryl and a very nervous Daisy out of the room.

"How are you my love?" He asked gently.

"I'm fine, tired, but…"

"Ahhhhhh!" They heard Cora scream.

"That doesn't help." She admitted, adjusting the cloth on her forehead.

"I would think not."

"Oooh." She winced, reaching for his hand. He grabbed it and she squeezed tightly.

Carson was horrified and watched, feeling helpless as she bore through the pain. When it was over she lay back in her pillows and took a breath.

"I hate to see you in so much pain." He said, sweeping her hair out of her face. "But I do love your hair like this."

"Oh you do, soaking wet?" She asked.

"No, long." He laughed and she smiled.

"My love I'm alright. It hurts but its coming fast. Mrs. Crawley, ooooh." She winced. "She says it'll be over soon. And you know what that means?"

"I think so." He said, leaning down to kiss her but hovering just over her lips.

She kissed him softly. "It means that next time I see you." She whispered. "We're going to have a baby."

"Oh my Elsie a baby." He kissed her nose.

The couple's tender moment was interrupted by Cora's screaming again. Elsie jumped at the sound.

"I think something might be wrong with Lady Grantham." She confided.

"Oh?"

"Yes. The screaming, Lady Mary and Anna coming in and out of her room, the fact that Dr. Clarkson seems to have turned my care completely over to Mrs. Crawley, which….ooooh." She moaned. "Charlie. Charlie this one really hurts!"

It pained him deeply to see her in so much pain. He found it odd though, that he felt somewhat better being with her, assured that she was all right instead of downstairs and far away where he could not help her. She endured the pain for almost a minute before it subsided and when it was done he helped lay her back in her pillows.

"There's my brave, beautiful girl." He whispered when it was finished.

"You flatter me." She laughed.

"No I mean every word. You've always been so brave, my Elsie. It was one of the first things I noticed about you." She smiled up at him as he tucked her hair behind her ear and leaned his forehead against hers. "I'll never forget the first time I saw you. I remember you were wearing a baby blue sweater that made your eyes shine so bright… I was almost afraid to look at you because you were just radiantly beautiful." She was still in pain, but she beamed up at him when he said this. "And then there was the girl inside." He laughed. "She had me really blown away. I remember thinking that you were so strong, and brave in coming down from Argyll so young and all by yourself to have a life that you chose and on your terms."

"I don't know about that…"

"Yes that's what my Elsie did. And that was in the days women didn't do that remember my love? I admired you more than you could know, even looked up to you." He offered. Elsie doubted that. "You know what I used to think?"

"Hmmm what?"

"I thought here is this woman, the strongest, most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I bet she can do anything."

It wasn't lost on Elsie that he was being extra sweet and trying to encourage her for what they both knew was coming: the birth.

"I can't imagine." He said. "Ever feeling that way about anyone again." He laughed.

"Which way?"

"Being so captivated that you fall in love in an instant."

"Oh my Charlie I loved you in an instant too."

….

"Mrs. Crawley I'm afraid there's been a change of plans." Dr. Clarkson said quietly, shutting Cora's door behind him.

Isobel was in the hall waiting for Carson to come out so she could go back in with Elsie. Beryl and Daisy had gone downstairs to get a few things of Elsie's.

"Oh?" She asked.

"Yes. You should take care of Mrs. Carson on your own…"

"Are you sure?" She was surprised.

"Yes. I'm fairly sure you could handle open heart surgery on your own." He confessed and she blushed. "This is simple in comparison and well, lets just say I think Lady Grantham is going to have a hard time, but Mrs. Carson should come through fairly smoothly."

"What do you mean a hard time?"

He sighed. "It's breech…unfortunately. Ms. O'Brien is with her now…she's quite dedicated."

And dedicated O'Brien was. Truthfully, the ladies maid was devastated over her past actions and Lady Grantham's near miscarriage months earlier. The woman now thought that Cora's difficulty in labor, and the baby's current predicament, were transpiring just to punish her for her misdeeds…this was not the case.

"She'll be fine I think." Dr. Clarkson assured. "But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy."

….

"Mrs. Carson. I think it's time to start a little pushing." Isobel informed.

Elsie had known this was coming very soon but she'd been dreading it. She'd been hoping to give her very early baby a little more time before he had to be born. Her heart broke when she was instructed to start, but start she did. Part of her was determined to see this through, and another part wanted to give up already.

Elsie's pain intensified quickly and she couldn't help but start to cry. Beryl and Isobel were trying their best to be encouraging, and Elsie would admit that it helped a little. Beryl was doing her best, with Daisy's help, to hold her up physically, which she was grateful for because she didn't think she could do it herself anymore and somehow it seemed to ease the pain a little. After a while though, it all got to be too much and she asked to give up.

"You don't want to give up, you're doing really well!" Isobel smiled. "I promise. This is all going perfectly."

"I want Charlie." She cried. "Please, please if I'm going to do this I want my husband with me, please!"

"No you don't, trust me." Isobel promised. She couldn't imagine having her husband with her at a time like this and he'd been a doctor.

"Please!" Elsie begged. "I can't anymore."

"Mrs. Carson, you're so close."

"Come on. I can see her head." Beryl whispered excitedly.

Daisy was quietly hyperventilating. This was the part she hadn't wanted to witness and the whole thing was making her feel scared and queasy. She fought the urge to run away and stared blankly she watched the baby being born.

"I'm never having sex!" Daisy cried, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't!" Elsie sobbed. "Look where it's gotten meeeee!" She screamed.

"Check back in an hour." Isobel insisted, not looking back at the young girl who started to shake in that moment.

"Ooh not an hour, please not another hour!" Elsie cried. "I can't handle another hour! Ahhhh!"

"Shoulders now Mrs. Carson, shoulders are the hardest part and then it'll almost be over."

Daisy's eyes widened and she chose that moment to let go of Elsie and bolt from the room. Elsie barely noticed, but it left Mrs. Patmore holding her by herself and she was angry.

"Daisy you come back here!" Beryl began yelling at Daisy as she ran out of the room.

She called for the young girl who could hear her clear down the hall but just continued to run. Isobel was focused Elsie and the baby and so annoyed she almost told Beryl to shut up. Elise, on the other hand, was in so much pain now that she was finally able to ignore almost everything but her anguish. Nothing else had ever commanded her attention quite that much and in the back of her mind she doubted she would live through this.

Daisy was hyperventilating by the time she got downstairs. She was scared to death and upset with herself for leaving Mrs. Carson at a time like that. But she couldn't help it and didn't know what to do. She imagined what Mrs. Patmore would say about it and cringed at how upset she'd be with her later. Most notably, she knew that Beryl would remind her that she wasn't the one enduring something difficult or painful and that made her feel very guilty.

Meanwhile, Carson was overwhelmed and uncomfortable sitting there with Robert who kept telling him not to be nervous. He was about to tell him that he was going to seclude himself downstairs after all. They could hear screaming and this time, Carson knew without question that it was Elsie and he couldn't bear to hear it. Just as he was about to get up Daisy ran by the room, pausing almost frozen in the doorway.

"Daisy?" Carson questioned, wondering what she was doing there.

The girl stopped, staring back at the men and stuttering as she tried to explain herself. Daisy was overwhelmed, reminded again of what she'd done when she saw Carson. They heard Elsie scream again and Daisy started to cry, turning and bolting from the library door.

"I wonder what that was all about." Robert raised an eyebrow.

"It's just Daisy, m'lord, the kitchen maid. Please excuse her, she's only just a girl." Carson knew what had happened immediately but was not disappointed with her, to him she really was just a child and he wasn't sure she belonged in the delivery room any more than he did.

"Right…" Robert understood.

"M'lord I think I'm going to go downstairs I…"

Both men froze when they heard a baby start to cry. Carson's heart skipped a beat and Robert grew anxious. The noise paraded on and seemed to suck all the air out of the room.

"Old chap." Robert asked. "Is that mine, or yours?"