Ch 13- A Brave New Beginning
February 4th, 1915, 2:48AM
"Mrs. Carson. You're going to have to bear it a little longer to get your second baby out."
"My what?!" Elsie cried, suddenly feeling a now familiar pain rip through her gut once more. "Ummmm what's going on?"
She winced, breathless as she listened carefully to the sound of her newborn daughter crying in the distance. Elsie was sure something was wrong with her but was thankful the baby seemed perfect. It met that at least father and daughter would have each other when she was gone.
"You're having two babies Mrs. Carson." Isobel explained.
She was concerned it seemed to her that Elsie was almost delirious now and she wondered if she understood.
"No, no I can't have two! I can't have…uuugggh!" She cried out, partly in pain, partly in shock, grabbing Beryl's hand. She knew exactly what had been said and was scared to death.
"It's twins!" Beryl exclaimed excitedly, trying to get her friend to understand. The cook was excited realizing now that she'd have two godchildren to spoil instead of one.
"Please, I don't wanna do this, make it stop, make it stop, ahhhhhhhhh!"
…
10 Days Later
"I just came to see how things were running around here…" Beryl lied.
Elsie paused, Charlotte on her shoulder. "Alright I suppose. I don't get much rest, truthfully. That's where Mr. Carson is now, he was up with this one all night, he's just exhausted."
Charlotte blinked, innocently staring back toward Mrs. Patmore only she couldn't see that far. She had in fact kept her father up all night. No one minded it though as it had been for a good cause. Carson had battled his daughter through the evening, trying to ensure that some of the contents of her bottle made their way into her stomach. By dawn he'd succeeded, and fallen asleep in a living room chair with the newborn snuggled up peacefully in his arms.
Elsie had come downstairs just after sunrise to find him snoring in front of the hearth. Charlotte's bottle had fallen on the floor at his feet, and somehow not shattered. She picked it up, almost squealing when she discovered that nearly half of the milk had been consumed.
'Praise the good Lord!' She'd cried.
It was only half a bottle but it was more than Charlotte had ever eaten in one sitting before. Elsie took her husband and baby to bed and let him sleep. So far, four hours later he'd yet to wake. Elsie didn't mind. Charlie had been up for a while in the very early morning, nursed and fallen back to sleep. Charlotte had awoken just in time to get her mother out of bed and downstairs when Beryl came. Elsie was a little tired, but delighted that Charlotte was sucking on the bare skin of her shoulder. It met the suckling reflex the infant should've been born with was finally beginning to kick in, and that soon she'd likely be able to nurse alongside her brother or at least, she hoped so anyway.
Beryl couldn't tell that Elsie was overwhelmed, but she was. She felt like she'd been overwhelmed since her water broke, but at least now, it was in the best of ways. Just last night she'd gone to bed harboring the fear that her infant daughter might not make it through her first month of life and now she had renewed hope that she'd live and catch back up to where she should be. While they weren't out of the woods yet, nothing in her life had ever made her feel quite so relieved.
"Well…I don't know if Mr. Carson told ya but I'm here ta relieve ya for a while."
"Relieve me?" She asked anxiously. She didn't want to be relieved from the twins, even if she was exhausted. "Why? Mrs. Patmore it's a nice offer but…"
"Ask your husband. He's the one who wanted me to come here." Beryl laughed. "Can I see the sweetheart?"
"Oh… I suppose." She relented.
"Come here sweetheart it's Auntie Beryl, yes…" Charlotte fussed as Mrs. Patmore happily took her from her mother.
"I'm sorry the house is such a mess, it feels a bit odd to me." Elsie was truthfully embarrassed about the laundry and the fireplace that needed to be swept out badly and probably a million other things she had not noticed. She sighed, rubbing her eyes, unable to suppress a yawn. "Oh I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, they're hungry at least every two hours and one of them won't even eat she just cries… I'm…"
"You just had twins, I can't imagine how tired you are or how much laundry you'd be going through about now." Beryl laughed. "It's fine."
"Yes. There's so much of it. I suppose I should go talk to Mr. Carson."
"Alright. You're such a beautiful girl Charlotte Carson, yes you are." She heard Beryl soothe as she went up the stairs.
In truth, Beryl knew why she'd been summoned to the house, it all involved a big surprise for the exhausted new mother, one she never would've imagined. It was, after all, her first Valentines Day in her home with her husband.
She snuck quietly into the cozy little bedroom that she loved. It alone was more than Elsie ever could've dreamed. Beams remained exposed at the top of the ceiling, showing the pitched roof above them. It was a small room but gave the illusion of being spacious for this reason. There were several end tables, a dresser, a bench at the end of a spacious bed, and a big fireplace much like the one downstairs. Elsie's favorite part though, was the tiny wooden crib that had once been her husband's and now belonged to their twin children.
"Mr. Carson, Mr. Carson." She whispered, gently shaking him awake.
"Hmmm…right away your lordship."
"Mr. Carson, good morning." She whispered softly so as not to wake her son, her breath tickling her husband's ear softly.
"Hmmm Elsie. You should be resting."
"I've been up with your daughter all day." She teased. "You got her to eat, you wonderful man!" She smiled, leaning down to kiss him. "I'm ever so grateful."
"At that I did. She's going to be fine Elsie. Isn't it the best news? And now it's my turn to do something for you."
"Oh? Is that why Beryl says she's here to relieve me?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Yes because Mummy needs time to herself." He said.
"Charlie I…"
"No, no. She's exhausted and needs to relax. Let Mrs. Patmore watch the twins while you soak in a nice warm bath, maybe do a little reading."
"Well, I sure could use it…" She began.
"And when I get back I'll have a surprise."
"But…"
"Trust me." He kissed her softly. "I insist."
Carson drew her bath, readied himself for his day and took his sleeping newborn son downstairs. He left the house and Elsie allowed herself to stop thinking as she lowered herself into the warmth of the tub, her tense, achy muscles relaxing, bit by bit. She sighed, closing her eyes as she lay back against the edge of the tub, in that moment realizing how much she needed the break.
Beryl was downstairs with the twins; both lay awake in their basket, trying to figure out where their mother was. Beryl tended to them, heeding Carson's warning not to feed Charlie formula at any cost, and cleaned the house vigorously, hoping to get some of Elsie's work out of the way for her and of course, clearing the way for the evening Carson had planned. In an odd way, she felt sad that it was Valentines Day and she would not get her own romantic evening. She also felt bad for Daisy, who would get a card and a kiss on the cheek from William that she did not want. She felt worse for William.
"The two of you will love me more when you're old enough for cookies and candy and ice cream." She teased, kissing Charlie's chubby cheek. "I promise."
The twins didn't know who she was but felt comfortable with their Auntie Beryl in an instant. For that she was relieved because she loved the twins. She felt upset about the fact that she'd never had a family of her own and her friend's surprise children were also her own chance to mother, well, in an odd way.
…
Beryl cleaned the house and then began to make the dinner Carson had asked her to make. By now, she'd sent the twins back upstairs to Elsie to eat and be put back to bed. Carson came in an hour later, his arms full.
"Wow." His eyes widened as they looked around. "I can't believe what you've done. Mrs. Patmore how can I ever repay you?"
She smiled. "It wasn't all that terrible, please think nothing of it. Soup's almost done."
"Do you think she's noticed?"
"No and if she has she's a really good sport about ignoring it."
"Good." He sighed nervously gazing up the stairs.
…
Beryl left and Carson removed his shoes and coat, quickly going to work preparing the rest of his surprise. He'd been very quiet about it all. Elsie had no idea he was home and thought that Beryl was still in her kitchen. After she'd gotten the twins to sleep and sat back down, she brushed her hair and for some reason put a hint of make up on. She was ever so glad Charlie had suggested a bath; it had made her feel like a person again. Elsie put her robe back on and made her way down the stairs. She could tell, even as she descended, that the space was dark save the fireplace and a little bit of candlelight.
"Mrs…." She was about to ask Mrs. Patmore what was happening when she saw Charlie. "Mr. Carson what have you done?!" She teased, looking back at the display in awe.
Mrs. Carson had never had a proper Valentines Day before. Prior to this every Valentines Day and wedding anniversary had been celebrated covertly. She would give him a box of chocolates, he'd present her with a single, but perfect rose and in the evening she'd sneak into his room. Once or twice they'd snuck away together, if they could manage it. It had not been ideal.
"Mr. Carson what have you done?" She asked again, beginning to tear up. He smiled, crossing the room to pull her into his embrace.
"I thought you'd like it."
"Like it?! Charlie it's beautiful."
Elsie was stunned by the candlelit dinner before her. It was cozy and romantic and best of all she hadn't had to do anything. A vase full of red roses seemed to overtake much of the table.
"Roses in winter. Mr. Carson how did you do this?"
"Love will find a way." He reminded as he pulled out her chair. She nodded, sitting down.
He to was overwhelmed, he'd been dreaming of doing something like this for her since they were first married; nineteen years before. A few times, he'd done something similar, in her sitting room for her birthday. But so as to not make anyone suspicious, he'd gotten everyone, including Lady Grantham in on it. She'd done something similar for him a few times as well. And now this; this was finally theirs and theirs alone.
Elsie found herself shaking as he poured her a small glass of wine.
"I-I'm stunned Charlie."
He smiled. "I'd rather hoped you would be as that was the idea."
"All this for me when you must be exhausted too."
"But you see it's perfect. Our house, the dinner, the fire, newborn twins upstairs and nineteen wonderful years. It seemed the most fitting way to celebrate the things we were never supposed to have." He explained.
"Just like nineteen beautiful roses. Who knew you were so romantic?" She'd counted them carefully there were nineteen exactly.
"I always was Mrs. Hughes." She blushed. "I thought a nice romantic evening was called for. It was high time."
"If I remember correctly." She teased. "A nice romantic evening is how I got into this mess with the twins."
"Yes, if I remember correctly it is how you got into this mess."
"Not that wee babies are a mess. Or anything but perfect. I'm sorry though that I've been a mess lately and this house has been a catastrophe I can't believe it cleaned up so well."
"You look lovely." He said simply and she blushed.
The two paused, looking up as one of the babies began to cry. Elsie sighed in frustration.
"I'll…" Carson began.
"No, no. I'll go get the baby, it's alright; I'll be right back."
Elsie was surprised to find Charlie screaming his head off and Charlotte fast asleep in the same crib next to him. She scrunched her face up in her sleep; seeming annoyed but continued to snore anyway.
"Oh you are your father." Elsie giggled at her daughter, lifting her son into her arms. "Come on my boy. Shuuu."
Elsie was surprised that Charlie went right back to sleep in her arms. It was time for him to nurse so she took him back downstairs once more.
"Beautiful boy, miracle boy." She whispered, taking him downstairs with her again.
"Is he asleep?"
"Yes." She giggled. "But, I think he just wanted to be with me."
"A bright boy." He laughed. Before he could speak again, Charlotte began to cry. "My turn." He smiled, getting up to go and get her.
Elsie giggled looking down at her son as he opened his eyes. "Hello sweet one." She whispered.
"I suppose they wanted to celebrate with us." Carson said, reentering the room. Elsie smiled deeply, watching as he cradled their daughter in his arms. He was so sweet with her and her heart melted a little at the sight, his large arms making the baby seem all the smaller to her.
"I suppose they did." She whispered.
He paused, studying his wife as she leaned down and kissed their infant son on the cheek. A single tear rolled down his cheek and he raised his glass to her.
"A Toast, Mrs. Carson to our brave new beginning."
"To our brave new beginning."
…..
The Next Evening
"Something tells me they didn't like that very much!" Carson protested as he and Elsie laid their screaming babies on the kitchen table.
"No but it had to be done. It's alright; you're both alright."
"Did we do it right?" He asked, not really sure.
"Mr. Carson I don't know." She teased him. "Shhuuu." Elsie soothed, beginning to dry Charlotte off.
They'd just given the twins their first bath and survived...somehow. They'd both cried loudly the whole time and neither Carson or Elsie knew whether or not they'd done it right, only that it was over now and they were left with two very fussy, but clean babies.
"Shu, shu, bath will get better as we get older, Mummy promises." Elsie smiled, trying to soothe them.
"Do you want to try to have them baptized this weekend?" He asked, swaddling their son in his blanket.
"No, not yet. I think it's a bad idea. They're far too little I want to wait till spring. True spring." Elsie said, looking over her shoulder briefly. It was still snowing and freezing cold out. Elsie refused to take the twins anywhere and didn't want to open the door more than a few times a day.
Charlie quieted once he was dry and began to yawn, but Charlotte continued to scream. Carson took it upon himself to make a bottle, having decided that feeding Charlotte would be his forte and nursing Charlie would be hers. Although her suckling reflex had started to kick in a few days before, Charlotte still wasn't eating much unless they forced it and as a result they were still worried sick. Their early hope had been dashed a little and the parents knew they would have to take her back to Dr. Clarkson if her behavior didn't change in the next several days. Elsie dreaded that.
She was about to protest his making a bottle, really wanting to nurse both of them now as she thought they were both taking better to it, but she was tired and decided to let him feed Charlotte while she started to nurse their drowsy son. As soon as her bottle was ready that did the trick and she stopped screaming. She took to it right away, beginning to suckle ravenously. She never did that.
"Well someone was a bit hungry wasn't she?" He asked. Elsie didn't look up, thinking he was merely trying to encourage the baby to suckle.
Charlotte continued to eat and he smiled, watching her carefully and using his free hand to play with her bity fingers. She grunted, almost as if to speak and grabbed his finger, holding it tightly in her little fist. He smiled deeply, leaning his forehead against hers. He felt his whole soul relax in an instant.
"W-wait, what?! You're eating?!" Elsie cried, looking up from Charlie suddenly.
"She is."
"Oh praise God you're eating for real!" She smiled, her eyes brimming with tears.
"See Mrs. Hughes, I promised you our girl would be alright."
"It's Mrs. Carson." She corrected, beginning to cry. "And it's a miracle."
…..
March 10th, 1915
"Are they identical?" Daisy asked, leaning over the basket where the twins lay awake together, staring back up at her. Their father had gone back to work weeks before, but it was Elsie's first official day back and by proxy their first day at Downton.
"No stupid." O'Brien corrected. "Boys and girls can't be identical."
The twins were one month and two weeks old now and resembled each other greatly save their eyes and a few other things in their faces. If you didn't look at them too closely or know them well, you might mistake them for being identical. Daisy didn't understand how Elsie had no hesitancy in knowing who was who and truthfully neither did O'Brien but she wasn't about to admit that.
Had things gone according to plan they would've only been born a week and a half before. Dr. Clarkson and Isobel had warned that the twins' development might lag for a while because of their premature state. But that didn't seem to be happening at least not to a concerning degree. Once they'd gotten Charlotte eating everything else seemed to fall into place.
By this time, the babies were just beginning to seem very real. They were lively now, could express themselves by cooing at you, kick their feet, and even roll around a bit. Charlie could almost hold his head up now, and Charlotte could squeal. Now, the twins wondered very much who the women and the one, tall, blonde man gathered around them were. They didn't remember Daisy or Mrs. Patmore who'd been present at their birth just weeks before, and simply wanted their mother. The twins began to cry loudly, causing O'Brien to jump back and retreat.
"Awe." Anna soothed.
"It's alright." Daisy shushed.
"It's alright, Mummy's back, Mummy's back."
Elsie placed a hand on each of the twin's chests and they calmed instantly at her touch and the sound of her voice. They fussed a little as their fearful hearts slowed, seeming to bask in their mother's reassuring smile.
"My lad and my lass it's alright. It's nice to have someone love you enough that they miss you when you're across the room." Everyone giggled a little at this except for O'Brien.
She and William left the room, both having other things to attend to. But unlike O'Brien, William gave the twins a sweet farewell and told them he hoped to see them later.
"Oh no." Elsie lamented once they'd left.
"What?" Anna and Beryl asked at once. Daisy looked back concerned.
"I hadn't thought of that. They miss me when I'm just across the room…today's their first day with nanny…that's not going to go well. And if she separates them; that's really not going to go well…"
"I'm sure it'll be alright Mrs. Carson." Anna soothed.
Elsie looked down at her children, knowing it wasn't all right for her. She didn't want to part with them now that they were there. The three of them had grown so close. She wanted nothing more than to go upstairs and kindly, gracefully quit her job. Because of the twin's prematurity, Cora had given her an extra two weeks at home with them than originally planned. Now she didn't know if that had helped matters or if it had made it harder for her to part with her babies.
"They'll only be upstairs." Beryl reminded. "You can go and see them anytime you like!"
"I know…I um…I suppose I better nurse them before I take them upstairs. Come on lass, how about you go first this time? One of you can hold Charlie if you'd like."
"Ooh, me!" Daisy raised her hand like she was still in school.
"Fine then Daisy, but remember, support his head." Mrs. Patmore advised.
"I will, I will!"
"There's no harm in your nursing here." Beryl said quickly; knowing that if she went off in a secluded place with the twins it'd be even harder for her to leave them with the nanny.
"No I don't think so either." Anna added, understanding Mrs. Patmore's intention.
"Maybe but there is…"
"Its just William and he'll be upstairs for a while and even if he did see he'd pretend not to notice." Daisy insisted.
"Mr. Carson won't like it." Elsie explained. "But perhaps…I do cover myself anyway."
Elsie understood why Beryl was trying to do and thought it was for the best. She didn't want to get overly attached to a baby before it was time to give it up to someone else's care. Anna could sense Elsie's pain and it distressed her. She and Mr. Bates were nowhere near marriage yet, as he still could not complete the pesky task of divorcing his hated wife Vera. But they'd discussed having children. In an odd way she thought she already longed for them and loved them and understood Elsie's pain in giving hers up, even if it was just for a few hours a day.
"At least they'll just be upstairs." Daisy said, rocking baby Charlie gently.
The little boy looked up at her, not recognizing that Daisy was really the first person to have ever held him and cared for him after he'd been born. It took just an instant, though, for him to decide that he liked her.
"My mother and I we were never together." Daisy explained tearfully, surprised when Mrs. Patmore pat her back gently.
Anna put her head down, looking up when she heard Elsie begin to sniffle.
"I know that and I'm sorry dear Daisy." Elsie whispered as Charlotte began to nurse. She was still overwhelmed by her daughter's newfound willingness to do this and by the fact that if she hadn't started, she'd surely be dead by now.
Elsie thought perhaps she should try to stop feeling so poorly about giving up her babies for part of the day and try to focus on how thankful she was they were present at all. Daisy was right, they'd be just upstairs and she could visit whenever she liked.
"They shouldn't exist." Elsie voiced quietly. "And by all logic, Charlotte shouldn't be with us now. But they are."
"Yes. They are." Beryl tried to soothe.
"Charlie you hear that, your Mummy loves you very much, you don't have ta be afraid of the nice new lady that's going to take care of you." Daisy whispered.
"When do you get them back anyway?" Anna inquired.
"While I'm nursing, I'll probably get them back just before our own supper, before nanny goes to bed. That's an awfully long day away from Mummy, although I will be popping in to nurse and to see them as often as I can. Besides, I can't tire the poor woman out like that; three wee babies all on her own would be a bit much. Two and a loving husband who does equal work is exhausting enough."
Elsie was petrified about the whole thing. She'd never understood how much she'd not want to give them up once they were here, and worse, she was scared to death that she'd feed her Charlie a bottle against her orders.
"Mrs. Patmore whatever you do; don't send a bottle up to the nursery unless you know for sure it's for Benjamin."
"Oh, didn't you know?" Beryl asked. She was surprised Elsie didn't know given that she was supposedly so close with Cora now. It was a friendship she didn't understand and was also jealous of.
"No, what?!"
"Lady Grantham is nursing as well."
…..
"Daddy I thought you might want to say goodbye now." Elsie said quietly, appearing in her husband's doorway.
"Goodbye?!" He asked, alarmed as she sat the twin's basket down on his desk.
"It's time for the twins to go up to nanny."
"Oh…" He understood. "Elsie, you don't have to cry."
"Yes I do. I don't want to send them, they're such a peaceful little lad and lass, maybe they…."
"No, it's best for them to go."
"I hope she can tell them apart, Daisy said she…"
"Well it's easy for me, blue eyed boy, brown eyed girl." He smiled down at the children.
"They're your babies."
He sighed. "I'm sure nanny will take a liking to them and them to her. She is a much nicer woman than any of the nannies Lady Mary and her sisters had as children, and for that I am glad!"
"Well that's true enough." Elsie reflected, the thought putting her at ease.
"It's nothing to worry over. I promise. And don't worry they will still love Mummy best."
"Daddy too." She persuaded and he smiled, leaning down to kiss her softly on the lips.
"I love you Mrs. Carson. It will all be just fine; I promise."
…
Elsie took the twins upstairs, thinking about how she'd told her husband back at the beginning of the pregnancy that she didn't want her baby under the spell of this great big house. She'd been the one to engage in the friendship with Cora and make this arrangement for the children, but now she wondered how she was to set their minds on other things, and on a future outside this place when they were to be such a part of the house. They were only tiny babies and she needed help with their care, help she could not turn down. But she wondered how they would grow up both upstairs and down…Elsie swallowed her nervousness as she climbed the stairs with her twins in her arms, hoping that this foreign thing would end up doing her children good, and lead to a world of advantages she could not otherwise provide.
The twins hung on her arms, both sucking on her neck, something that calmed them. They were nervous about their new surroundings, but clueless they were about to be surrendered to a total stranger. They'd grown accustomed to spending the day with their mother and their mother alone, and were old enough now to notice this great big house for the first time and look around a bit. Until now, they hadn't been in the house since a few days after they were born.
"Mummy will miss you both so much." She whispered, patting their tiny backs gently. "She will miss you so much, but she will be up to check on you and feed you and play with you. And when she's gone you'll have fun with nanny." She paused swallowing a lump in her throat. She wanted to be with them. It may've been normal for Cora to give her baby over to someone else but to Mrs. Carson it felt unnatural and just plain wrong. "And you're going to meet a new friend, his name is Benjamin."
"Oh Mrs. Carson!" She heard a jovial voice call. She looked up to see Lord Grantham coming down the stairs just ahead of her and almost lost her balance. He reached out and grabbed her arm to steady her and she smiled. He wasn't sure it was appropriate but didn't want her to fall.
"Something I can do for you, m'lord?"
"Oh, no, no." He smiled, seeing she had her arms full.
He'd only seen the Carson twins once or twice before a few days after they were born. He was surprised they were as big and attentive as they were already. Benjamin certainly was not.
"Are you taking them up to nanny?" He asked, his warm attitude with her and the babies put her at ease.
"Yes. M'lord, this is Charlie on my left, and Charlotte on my right."
"Well Charlie, Miss Charlotte, it is nice to finally meet you." He said, tickling Charlie's cheek very softly, causing the boy to smile faintly. Lord Grantham observed the boy had Carson's smile, but didn't voice it. "I hope," he said instead. "That the two of you are having a very good first day at Downton and your mother is having a good first day back?"
"So far m'lord, I'm afraid they scared Miss O'Brien a little, she made them cry and they made her jump."
"Oh." He reflected, suppressing a laugh at this. "It would seem the two of you are very good judges of character already." He reflected. "Please don't pass that on Mrs. Carson."
"I won't m'lord." She laughed.
"Are you going to be in church on Sunday, the baptism?"
"Yes, we will be there." Benjamin, the twins and two other babies from the village were going to baptized at the Sunday service.
"Very good. Anyway I won't keep you, but if you're going to nanny for the first time; now's a good time, Cora just took Benjamin for his feeding." He informed, reminding him that his son was off somewhere, probably in the rather shaky arms of O'Brien. He did NOT like her…and the feeling seemed to be mutual.
Elsie found herself somewhat soothed by her time with Lord Grantham. She couldn't help but be a little surprised about how sweet he was with her babies and it put her at ease, reminding her that they would be treated well upstairs.
"Alright my perfect loves, we're here. Mummy will miss you." She whispered, tears in her eyes as she turned to each baby and kissed them on the cheek. "I love you so much! And I know it'll be hard… the first few days. But it's just a big brave step and we'll all get through it together."
Elsie took a long time to part with the twins and found herself in tears by the time she did. She lingered by the nursery door for a moment and then forced herself to walk away, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. She made her way back to downstairs quietly, wrapping her arms around herself. She hadn't been truly all alone in almost a year and felt the absence of her newborns greatly. Her arms ached to hold them and her insides felt hallow.
Cora had said that she wanted Charlie, if it was right for them, to accompany Benjamin to Eton when they turned thirteen. Elsie couldn't bear to think of parting with him at that age, but knew it would allow her son a very, very different life. She dried her tears, not wanting anyone to see them, and began to pray for her twins, that her decision to let them be part of upstairs life had been the right one, and would benefit them all their days.