Ch 15- Here With Me

* From now on, the timeline of some things in the story is going to be quite different than it was on the show. For example, the following chapter, if in line with the show, would've occurred a full year later than it does here. Please just keep that in mind going forward. Thanks so much for all the great reviews/support.

February 4th, 1916

"How've you liked your first year of life my sweetheart?" Elsie asked, whispering in her baby's ear.

Charlotte yawned calmly, growing sleepy as her mother rocked her and Elsie couldn't help but kiss her cheek. She could barely believe it was the morning of the babies' first birthdays. They'd grown a lot and could crawl now but still not walk. Their hair had remained virtually unchanged from birth; both had a small patch of auburn fuzz the color of their mother's but were mostly bald. It was cold out and Elsie had bundled them up carefully and brought them to Downton later than she usually would. She knew she needed to take them up to nanny but couldn't manage to break away from them just yet, not on their birthday.

"They've not gone yet, have they?" Beryl asked urgently, poking her head in the door.

"No, although they should go soon. I have a lot of work to do. My poor husband is very overwhelmed and needs my help."

Carson was the epitome of overwhelmed. In fact, he was on the verge of having some kind of meltdown or episode. It was highly unusual for the normally reserved man, and no one understood that better than his wife. She was worried but not surprised, after all, he was doing the work of an under-butler and a valet on top of his own job. She hated that he was consumed with outrage, and had been for the past several days, about the possibility of a maid having to serve at dinner later on in the week. It was strange, but given the circumstances and their being short staffed no one took issue with it except for Carson. Everyone thought he should just simply calm down about it but Elsie knew that wasn't in the cards. He would fight it up until it happened, after all, he had to do everything perfectly it was just in his nature. He didn't have the ability to expect anything less especially from himself.

"At that he is…he should take a rest, daft man. Charlie, Charlotte, Auntie Beryl will be right back!"

Baby Charlie looked up at his mother from his place on the floor with his toys, his eyes wide.

"The problem is when would your Daddy find the time to get a rest?" Elsie sighed. "I suppose Auntie Beryl has a surprise. Come here lad, come to mummy."

Charlie crawled to her feet and she lifted him on to her lap and kissed his cheek. He reached over and nudged his sister, tying to wake her up. She didn't budge and he grabbed her face. Charlotte protested, even though she was half asleep, and attempted to hit him back.

"No, no, none of that you two, none of that." She rubbed Charlie's back as Charlotte woke, yawning and opening her eyes a bit.

"Alright, now close your little eyes!" Beryl called from outside the room. Neither of the twins understood her instructions and instead looked back toward the door.

Elsie thought it was the candles she saw first. Mrs. Patmore marched into the room Daisy at her heals. She held a tiny, but decadent looking chocolate cake, the many candles sparkled and shimmered and Elsie wondered if perhaps they might light the entire pastry ablaze. The twins perked up at its sight. They didn't know what it was but their tiny eyes grew wide with intrigue and within seconds both were fully awake and transfixed.

"Oh Mrs. Patmore!" Elsie began to cry. "It's so beautiful. Thank you so much!"

"Happy Birthday Charlie, Charlotte!" Mrs. Patmore gushed.

"Happy Birthday." Daisy squealed.

"Oh Happy Birthday my loves. Happy one year!" Elsie kissed each of the sides of their heads, the twins still fixated on the glow of the candlelight.

"What's going on here we don't have time to…oh…" Carson stopped in the doorway.

"It's our very first birthday Daddy." Elsie reminded gently. "Please take a little bit of time out to sit with us and have some cake."

Carson froze, finding himself in a quandary. He couldn't stop but he must. Pressured or not, he wouldn't allow himself to miss his children's first birthday.

"Very well." His expression softened. He went to sit with his wife and took Charlie in his arms.

"Happy Birthday to you!" Mrs. Patmore began to sing, everyone else quickly joined in.

Charlotte stared back at all the singing adults, perplexed by what was happening and why her mother was crying softly. Charlie meanwhile, reached out to try to touch the flame. Carson grabbed his son's tiny hand and yanked it back quickly as they all sung causing the little boy to giggle loudly.

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Charlotte and Charlie, Happy Birthday to you!"

"Yay! Make a wish and blow out the candles!" Daisy told them.

By this time the twins were fully engrossed in the idea of whatever this was but they didn't follow Daisy's lead, still having no idea what she was referring to. Instead their parents leaned over and did it for them. Charlotte found herself confused and somewhat disappointed that all the pretty lights had gone away.

"I made a wish far ya my lass." Elsie whispered, kissing her cheek. "That you may have whatever your little heart desires."

"Daddy made a wish for you Charlie." Carson spoke quietly to his son. Charlie didn't know what a wish was but decided in that moment that he was eager to have one. "That you have a life of intrigue, which was the life your father planned on having."

Most people wouldn't have guessed Carson would've wished such a thing for his son, but he was after all, someone who'd joined the stage at a young age and not a life of service. It was something even he often forgot, but he did miss the spirit of the young man he'd once been and when he was alone with his wife and children he found that that man was still alive and well deep inside. Work camouflaged him, even buried him but nonetheless he remained. Carson didn't know yet, what he'd want for his son's future, but he did know he wanted this same spirit to reside in him and to thrive, to live freely out in the open. In that case, he also knew he wanted Charlie to have the freedom to pursue something not so…solid as service…something that brought spontaneity into his life in all the best ways.

"Alright cake time, I can't wait to see what they do with this!" Beryl laughed.

Elsie felt bad knowing the twins would make quite a mess but she supposed that was the tradition, wasn't it? Charlotte and Charlie were surprised when Beryl put down a slice of cake in front of them. They weren't sure what to make of it, knowing that it was grownup food and they'd never tried it before. The twins paused and then Charlie picked up the cake, shoving most of it into his mouth. His parents looked on in horror that quickly turned to laughter shared with Auntie Beryl. Confused still, Charlotte reached over and grabbed what remained of the cake out of her brother's hand and shoved it in her own mouth.

"Well that was certainly a mess." Elsie giggled.

"Did you like it my lovelies?" Beryl asked.

"Oh Mrs. Patmore I think they quite loved it." Carson laughed, looking down at the twins.

He smiled brightly as he bounced Charlie on his knee. Elsie sighed at the sight and sound, hugging Charlotte tight. She was awed, by the sight of her husband and boy happy together, and moreover so relieved he was taking these few moments to laugh with her and the twins, it was so good for him after all. She knew that on these days of utmost stress, such things might make it a little more bearable.

"Would you like Mummy to feed you some more Charlotte my beautiful baby love, was that good?" Elsie asked, picking up a fork.

"Daisy and I will get you something to clean them up with. We'll be right back." Mrs. Patmore told them, leading Daisy out of the room.

"Oh Charlie they're beautiful and after a year still perfect." Elsie began as they watched both the twins grab more cake, this time with both hands. Thank you so much for surprising me with a trip to Scotland." She giggled. "I think you surprised us with a lot more than that."

"It always pays when I'm spontaneous Mrs. Carson." He smiled brightly. "And it's for me to thank you: you're a vision of loveliness as a mother." She blushed. "And you do a man's heart good."

"Oh Mr. Carson." She closed her eyes and he pressed his forehead against hers. He blew a kiss and she blew one back. "Happy Birthday my sweet babies."

Charlotte turned around and looked up at her mother when she said this, Charlie continued to eat.

"Yes happy birthday my children." Carson whispered reflectively, holding his little boy tight. He hugged Charlie and leaned over and kissed the top of Charlotte's head.

"You're going to go up to nanny soon," Elsie explained, "but tonight we'll open presents from mummy and daddy, alright?"

Charlie looked up in surprise, having understood the word presents.

…

"Happy Birthday to you." Cora kissed Charlie on top of the head.

All three babies stood at the edge of their cribs, clinging to the bars intrigued by the fact that Cora was in their nursery with them instead of nanny. None of them associated the big bag in her hand with her presence. She handed him a wrapped gift and he took it in his little hands, puzzled by what it might be.

"And Happy Birthday to you Charlotte." Cora did the same thing with her that she'd done with her brother. Only Charlotte shook her gift lightly, jumping back in surprise when it replied with a ringing noise.

"And Happy Birthday to you my most darling little boy." She baby talked, kissing Benjamin on his face.

Benjamin giggled when his mother kissed him and tried his best to kiss her back, he was delighted by his mother's presence and the sight of their closeness made the Carson twins long deeply for their own mother, at least for a few moments until the idea of the presents they'd just been given became a bit too irresistible.

Cora and Benjamin watched as the twins retreated to the corners of their cribs (which were just next to each other) and reached out as best as they could to show each other their gifts, babbling excitedly to each other a mile a minute.

"Well that's quite a friendship, isn't it?" Cora asked, noting that Benjamin looked on with great curiosity and dare she say, a bit of jealousy.

What she didn't realize was that her son was jealous. Jealous of the fact that Charlie and Charlotte got to be together all of the time. It didn't matter what adult they were with or when or where the two were always together and certainly never ever lonely. Moreover, Ben was jealous that Charlie was always with Charlotte, which for some reason was right where he wanted to be.

Charlotte shook her present again and jumped in surprise.

"Yes Charlotte." Cora giggled, "It does make that noise, here." Cora picked Ben up and put him next to Charlotte in her crib. "How about a little company?"

The twins immediately turned to Ben, showing him the little boxes they'd received, Ben did the same. Cora giggled at the idea that none of the three of them understood that they were supposed to open the gift.

"Cora?" Elsie knocked on the door. "You rang, m'lady."

"It's baby present time."

"Oh you didn't have to do that!"

"I did. Thank you for the wonderful gift for Ben by the way. You didn't have to."

"I did. Oh hello my loves." She cried when she saw the twins reaching for her.

"It's time to open some presents, don't you remember from Christmas?"

"I would've thought so too but Christmas has been so long ago for them."

"I suppose your right." Cora agreed. "Come on loves, time to open your presents."

"Come along lads, my wee lass, tear the paper."

"Go on, tear it." Cora encouraged.

Charlie and Ben quickly started tearing the paper and tearing faster and faster as soon as they figured out how fun a thing it was. The boys started to giggle and Charlotte, who'd been hesitant, dove in and began to tear too, her mother's reassuring hand on her back.

"That's my baby lass."

"Oh, no, no, Benjamin, Charlie don't eat the paper!" Cora laughed, urgently trying to pull the paper out of the boy's mouths.

"Oh my goodness!" Elsie laughed, rushing into help her.

The boys didn't know what to do when they finished unwrapping the boxes and so instead of opening them, both began to eat the paper.

"Oh dear." Cora paused.

"They'll be fine. It's just a bit of paper." Elsie laughed. "You very silly lads." Charlie and Ben began to laugh.

"I have a feeling our mischievous boys will be getting into a lot of these fixes in the future."

"I'd agree."

Elsie and Cora turned when they heard Charlotte begin to clap, soon discovering that unlike her friend and brother, she'd figured out how to open the gift.

…..

Later That Night- Dinner Time

Elsie felt her heart stop, her very life flashing before her as her husband keeled over suddenly into the dinner table moaning and clutching his chest. Her first instinct was to rush to his side and aid. It hurt her deeply to not do it, but she refrained, quickly assuming his tasks for him so that he wouldn't try to do it in the midst of whatever state he was in and cause himself further duress.

Elsie found herself in a complete panic. Her mind went numb and everything around her seemed to blur into slow motion. She didn't dare look at him as Mrs. Crawley, Lady Sybil and Lord Grantham swept in to tend to him. Instead she resorted to doing his job and organized the other servants quickly. She didn't think she could look, not if something was really wrong. She couldn't see him that way in pain, or worse…she'd wait until someone told her it was all right to see.

A fog came over her and with it a sense of denial. 'Not now', she thought, 'not now please when our life together is what I always dreamed it would be.' In that time, she spoke and listened but had no sense of it. She didn't think her heart beat or that she even breathed for several moments even as she gave orders. Finally she looked over her shoulder when she heard his strong, reassuring voice and her heart started to beat again one sharp, quickened thud at a time simply because he was still alive.

As soon as she'd set everyone to work, Elsie covered her mouth, retreating to the hall not realizing Cora was at her heals.

"Elsie." Cora said calmly, putting a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder.

Elsie turned to face her, tears in her eyes now. She felt embarrassed for crying and ashamed for not sticking it out and staying in the room. She'd tried on both fronts but couldn't bare it. This was the love of her life, and best friend of almost twenty years, and the father of her children…her young children. Elsie felt desperate and so scared inside.

"Oh my dear friend. It's alright they're seeing to him now it'll be alright."

Elsie was shocked that Cora took her into her arms and held her tight. Knowing it was all right, Elsie let herself cry and allowed her friend and employer to hold her.

"M'lady what if it's not alright?"

"It will be." Cora soothed.

"What happens if it isn't?"

"If it isn't you and the babies will have a home here with us and you'll always be taken care of. You won't have to worry about a thing."

"Oh m'lady." Elsie cried. "If something should happen to him, I'd worry and long for him every second for the rest of my life."

…...

"Waaaah-aaaah!" It was pitch black in the nursery and Charlotte stood peering between the bars of her crib and screaming.

She'd woken up late in the evening, realizing that her mother hadn't come to collect them and that she and Charlie were still in the nursery. Frightened, she immediately began to cry but her sobs did not wake her brother and friend. She felt panicked but was too little to understand why. She couldn't put it into words but she was worried about her mother. When had she not come back before?

"Shu, shu little love come here Miss Charlotte."

Charlotte's tears slowed when she felt herself being lifted from the bed and heard Cora's familiar but strange American accent tickle her ear. Cora never tended to the children but had heard Charlotte when nanny slept through her tears. Cora went into the room, deciding to give nanny a break.

"It's alright sweet girl. You'll see your Mommy in the morning she and your Daddy just needed some rest. But Lady Cora is here. She's got you."

…

"Thank the Lord." She whispered, tucking him into bed for what felt like the hundredth time that night. "My Mr. Carson is alive and well and he shall stay that way."

Carson was still tired and lay, back in his bed staring up at his wife. Dr. Clarkson had said that he was fine, but that he'd stressed himself to a harmful level. He'd privately warned the couple, before leaving, that if he didn't relax and take some of the pressure off of himself it could lead to a real heart attack, and soon. Such advice scared Elsie to death and made Carson feel like an old man.

"I'm here, to stay with you and love you, my Mrs. Carson."

"You almost died today." She reflected, tears coming to her eyes.

"I did not, that said, I'd love to see my children on their birthday."

"They're in the nursery with Benjamin, sleeping. I will collect them early in the morning."

"Fair enough I…during my scare." He said, watching as she removed her shoes and climbed into bed at his side, he wrapped his arm around her and held her closer as she settled into his chest, holding him too.

Elsie paused, shutting out his words in favor of his scent and the feel of his heartbeat under her hand. Rattled from earlier, she had the urge to memorize all of her Charlie that evening, from the sound of his voice to the lines on his face and all the way back to the beating of his heart. She leaned over and kissed his chest softly through the fabric of his pajama top. Carson paused, understanding what she was doing. The idea touched him deeply and also chilled him to the bone. He didn't want to think of dying. Sure he was aging, but some deeper part of him fought to be younger than his years, not just because he had little children, but because he was finally free to live a life, and because he did so with a woman he loved beyond compare who excited him in ways he'd only dreamed of when he was younger.

He'd panicked when the pain started and he went down practically with a thud. Life was finally so perfect it simply couldn't end this way.

"Thank you Elsie, for being my fairy tale in everyway."

"Oh Charlie I could say the same."

"When I fell I kept simply thinking about the wish I made this morning for our little boy."

"Oh?"

"That he live the life his father had wanted to before him: one where he was free to explore, to be spontaneous… to not have to dedicate his life to something so…solid as service. I can feel the young man in me Elsie, he's buried, even crushed by work and instead of freeing him, I add more to his burdens…but you set him free every time you crawl into my arms." She smiled deeply as he rested his forehead against hers.

"Or simply just flash me a smile." He continued. "And the twins," he laughed, "the twins bring out that much younger, happier man just in being. He wanted to see the world, but he resides, happily in a cottage in Yorkshire. Thank you, my love for keeping him alive, for nurturing him and bringing him out to play. My wish for our son was much the same that he be endowed with that same spirit, that it dwell in him and keep him young at heart all his days and that whatever it brings, it's the joy of his world, just as you are mine."

"How did you get so romantic?" She asked, breathlessly pressing her forehead against his.

"Longing and waiting for my time with you; love of my life." He smiled.

"How is you heart, my Mr. Carson?" She asked nervously, pressing her hand against his chest. He placed his hand gently over hers, in an attempt to soothe her.

"It beats steady, it marches on with you in mind."

"Oh my Charlie, I love you beyond the world." She started to cry again. "And I'm so glad you're here with me."