Ch 18- If You Were The Only Girl In The World

March 1918

Elsie had gotten the twins from nanny and decided to keep them over a long lunch. The twins were excited to see their mother but Benjamin had been very upset to be left alone with nanny, then very excited to be taken, at last minute, to lunch by his sister Edith. Ben didn't know he was not going to lunch, but to piano practice so that he could preform in the concert that night alongside his two oldest sisters. He had no clue how to sing or play the piano, but they'd decided he'd be an adorable addition to their double act.

The twins had been ecstatic when their mother came to collect them and it warmed her heart. She took them downstairs and into the kitchen, baby talking to them and giggling with them as they ate. Beryl watched carefully as her friend placed the twins in their highchairs.

It amazed the cook how quickly the two had grown over the past several months. She couldn't believe that it had been three years since she'd watched them be born, when it felt like just yesterday. All of a sudden, they seemed like children rather than toddlers in some ways, but in others she still looked at them and saw tiny babies. It was a transformation that she'd noticed almost over night, and that Mr. Carson had known was coming for months. But Beryl didn't think Elsie had caught on. It was as if she was too invested, too in love to see the change in the two little souls she adored beyond compare.

"Mrs. Carson?" She asked.

"Hmmm?" Elsie answered, laughing as she rubbed her nose against her son's. She didn't look up and remained eye and nose contact with the little blue eyed boy who began to squeal in delight, laughing in his mother's face and causing her to smile brighter. Elsie kissed his nose.

"I…" She paused, not knowing how to say it. She was worried her friend clearly wasn't easing into the fact that the twins were getting bigger. "You know they're getting on…"

Elsie looked up from her son, surprised for a moment. She said nothing as she started to clean Charlotte's face with her napkin.

"I don't know Charlotte, do you think your getting on lass? Mummy thinks she's the one whose getting on." Elsie laughed. "Her and Daddy. And Auntie Beryl too." She said pointedly.

"I just met they're getting big aren't they? For the high-chairs and for…"

Elsie sighed, lifting the twins onto her hips.

"I don't know, but I'm getting awfully achy for two on each side of me." She laughed. Charlotte sucked her thumb, and both the twins looked over eagerly at the oven, already sensing the familiar smell of cookies baking.

"Auntie Beryl made you a special treat." She confided.

"Isn't that nice my lad and lass?" Elsie asked, following her friend over to the oven. Beryl opened the door and the twins looked down anxiously into the heat.

"Yay!" Charlotte clapped. Charlie giggled excitedly, following his sister's lead.

"Actually I made them for everyone…I figured we needed the cheering up, what with William and Mr. Crawley being missing. But Charlotte and Charlie get their own batch!"

"That's so lovely Mrs. Patmore, really." Elsie smiled appreciatively as Charlotte began to suck her thumb. "Maybe the two of you can have some soon."

"Cook-ie." Charlotte attempted.

"Very good lass." Beryl teased, reaching over and tickling Charlotte's cheek. She giggled and turned away from Beryl, planting her face in her mother's neck.

"Cookee!" Charlie repeated, reaching eagerly toward the oven.

"That's right, but after nap, lad." Elsie laughed. She kissed his cheek and retreated to her sitting room where she put Charlie down on his feet and closed the door.

"Do you want some my laddie?" Elsie asked, cradling Charlotte in her arms. Both twins knew exactly what she was speaking of. Charlotte accepted eagerly, hugging her mother, but Charlie didn't give her a second glance.

"Nooo." Charlie shook his head, wandering over to his toys in the corner of his mother's sitting room.

Elsie's heart sunk at his refusal and she hugged Charlotte tighter, her heart starting to pound harshly during its decent into her stomach. She bit her lip, supposing she knew this was coming. But she'd hoped, very secretly it wouldn't come for just a while longer.

"Charlie why not?" She asked, watching him carefully as he sat down with his toy train. He looked up at her, raising an eyebrow and began to giggle.

"Big!" He laughed.

"That's true my lad perhaps you are." She admitted, her heart continuing to sink as Charlotte buried her head in between her neck and shoulder. Elsie could tell the girl was merely sleepy, and pat her back gently. "Charlotte, are you too big too?"

Charlotte paused, thinking carefully about this. "Noooo!" She leaned over and gave her mother a kiss on the nose, causing Elsie to smile.

Elsie sighed sadly, putting Charlotte on the floor to play along side her brother. After a moment or two, she got on her knees beside them, deciding it was important to continue the conversation.

"Did ya know, that I love you both so much, even if you're too big. I love you no matter what you do or how big ya get." She said, running her fingers through Charlotte's hair. The twins listened carefully, understanding her meaning.

Elsie felt her heart flutter with relief when they turned to her excitedly and began to hug her. She gathered them both in their arms and kissed their chubby little cheeks repeatedly, pausing for a moment as she squeezed them, almost trying to savor their hug.

The twins were still small. Neither of them had a very sophisticated grasp of talking and sounded more like toddlers than children, still babbling much of the time even though they could form words. Both of them were messy eaters, much to their father's chagrin. And neither was ready for what you would know as nursery school. Still, Elsie had an overwhelming sense that the baby years were slipping away a little bit everyday. She knew she'd eventually get beyond the heartbreak of the twins growing older, and loosing those baby years. After all, she couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to see them grow up to be healthy and happy…but the thing was, she was not ready to loose the baby years: to quit nursing, to stop rocking them in her arms, to sing them to sleep…the end of it had snuck up suddenly, coming about like a thief in the night. And although she'd been, in her mind, reticent about it, she secretly longed to find a way to keep them this small, just a bit longer.

"Charlotte, my little Charles." She soothed. "Someday Mummy will have to tell you how much you're really loved, hum?" She asked as she rubbed their backs, able to tell they were getting sleepy. "How much you were always wanted, and how long mummy prayed for you my sweethearts. She prayed for you for a lifetime."

The twins yawned, resting their heads on her shoulders as they started to nod off. Elsie started to cry, leaning up against the wall, as she rocked them, her tears pouring on her drowsy children. She kissed their cheeks, still hurt by their rejection of her offer to nurse. Charlotte and Charlie didn't notice their mother's sadness, and fell asleep quickly in her arms as she cried herself to sleep.

….

Elsie ended up falling asleep on the floor with the twins in her arms. Beryl looked in on them, and decided to let them sleep. It had already been a long day, and with the concert that night, it would be even longer. Finally, Elsie woke with a start around two in the afternoon when her husband placed his hand on her shoulder; the twins remained sleeping in her arms.

"Oh-oh Charlie!" She cried, catching her breath.

"I'm sorry to wake you my love, but it's been well over an hour and I'm afraid you're needed upstairs."

"Oh oh, no it has?!"

"Yes, but you were so exhausted."

"Can you blame me?" She laughed, looking down at the twins.

"You've been crying." He observed, cupping her cheek in his hand.

She sighed. "They finally did it. They finally weaned. I think."

"Oh love. I am sorry. But it was time." He reminded and she nodded sadly. "Aren't you excited to get beyond nappies, feedings and sleepless nights?"

"Yes, I suppose…. but they're so precious and little that I…"

"Yes. But Elsie I love who they're becoming."

"So do I." She admitted; biting her lip as she looked down at the twins she cuddled in her arms.

Carson paused, able to tell that his wife was very sad. He sighed, making the difficult decision to sit on the floor with her. He knew he'd have a very hard time getting up after that, but consoling her would be a worthwhile price. He reached over and ran his fingers through his sleeping son's hair.

"I can't believe they're so big either." He confided. "I agree it's going a bit fast for my taste. It seems like just five minutes ago that they were premature little things whose heads fit in the palm of my hand." She laughed through her tears when he said this. "I'm always going to look at them and see those tiny little, almost hairless people."

"As will I."

"But the best we can do is to enjoy them every moment where they are and we're doing just that."

"I suppose so. Truthfully I…"

"What?"

"Oh I was thinking of Mrs. Crawley and Mr. Mason."

"As was I."

"To not know where your child is. Charlie I don't know that I can handle even the thought of that I…"

"He's just a boy still. He's in your arms. He'll be alright."

"I hope you're right." She wasn't sure. She leaned down and kissed her sleeping son's head.

"My Elsie." He laughed, his eyes sparkling. "I promise I am."

Many years later, her husband's words would call to her heart and soothe her when nothing else could.

…

The twins and Ben were all very curious about the gathering their parents brought them to, much later in the evening. They never got to spend much time around the soldiers and found their presence very interesting. Moreover, the three were just old enough to understand that it was past their bedtime. That prospect alone was exciting to Benjamin, who wondered what went on after he was put to bed. He was happy to be placed on his mother's lap and almost started to cry when Edith came to collect him once again. He was sad and in an instant his stomach began to ache: he had wanted nothing more than to sit with his mother.

Charlotte and Charlie, on the other hand, rested comfortably in their parent's embrace. Elsie balanced Charlotte on her hip and Carson held his son in his arms as they stood in line with all the other servants.

"Do you see chap?" Carson whispered, patting the boy's chest and stomach gently. "They're going to sing."

"That's right Charlotte." Elsie whispered. "Can you sing along lass?"

Charlotte nodded slowly, beginning to chew on her fingers as she watched everyone assemble. The twins knew about singing from church, but they weren't very good participants yet.

"Sometimes when I feel low and things look blue…" Mary began to sing, everyone else following her lead.

The twins were baffled, not knowing how to follow along unless they knew the words, which they did not.

"Come on lad." Carson encouraged, tickling Charlie's stomach and causing him to laugh. "You can sing."

"Daddy's right you can sing Charlotte." Elsie reassured, turning to her husband as she sung.

"Someone within my heart to build a throne, someone who'd never part, to call my own." He smiled deeply, beginning to sing too.

"If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy!"

Carson and his wife exchanged another smile and he had to hold himself back to keep from kissing her.

"Only boy!" Charlie burst, surprising his parents. They both smiled deeply, almost laughing. Charlotte didn't repeat the line because she was confused. She knew she wasn't a boy, so why should she sing that she was? That would be silly.

"Nothing else would matter in the world today. We could go loving in the same old way." Elsie beamed, staring at her husband, but cuddling their daughter.

"A garden of Eden just made for two, with nothing to mar our j—"

Mary and everyone else stopped very suddenly when Matthew and William entered the room, complete relief washing over the family and staff at their sudden appearance. Carson observed that Mary seemed about to cry. For a moment, he thought she'd run to him. Mr. Crawley smiled brightly as Mary almost shook as he walked toward her, everyone else looking on in joy.

"I would say such wonderful things to you there would be such wonderful things to do." He sung happily, making his way to her.

"If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy!"

Everyone else finished the song more joyously than they'd started and began to clap and cheer at the end. No one but Charlotte noticed when Ben turned around and looked straight back at her at the end, just as William eyed Daisy. Many years later, it would be something Charlotte would faintly remember and it would get her through.

…

After a couple of songs, which the twins and Benjamin and tried singing, the concert dissolved into more of a party. Ben was finally able to go off with his mother, Carson broke protocol and kept Charlie in his arms even as he served wine, and Elsie left Charlotte on her hip.

"I beg your pardon m'lord." Elsie interrupted. "But the dowager countess is leaving."

"Cookie!" Charlotte squeaked as soon as Lord Grantham had gone to say goodbye to his mother.

"Now lass that's not a bad idea." Elsie agreed.

"Mrs. Carson." Carson mumbled, rushing up very suddenly on his wife.

"Oh!"

"I'm sorry it's last minute but I have some things to attend to that I need two hands for. I hope you can take Charlie and…"

"Yes, it's fine love."

"I'm sorry." He said, discretely kissing her cheek, sure no one would notice.

"Cook-ie!" Charlie chimed when his father walked away.

"Well the two of you had the same idea, didn't you?" She laughed.

Elsie took the twins downstairs so they could have some of the cookies Mrs. Patmore had made for them. Because they were getting heavy after almost a full day of carrying them around, she put the twins down and took their hands, walking them down the stairs.

"Mummy was being silly earlier." She admitted as they entered the dark kitchen. "It's true you're getting bigger and Mummy's so proud of her lad and lass that –Ethel!" She gasped.

Ethel stood before her, in the dark hall, shaking and wrapped in a thin sweater. Elsie couldn't make her out very well in the dark; only able to see enough to know it was her.

"Ethel what on earth are you doing here?!" She continued.

Elsie thought it had been several months, perhaps even longer since she'd fired the young woman, she wasn't even sure now.

"Please Mrs. Carson. I had to come. I'm sorry to push in but I was sitting alone until I couldn't stand it anymore. You've got to help me."

The twins were confused by Ethel's presence. They didn't remember her from all those months before when she'd still worked there and were slightly afraid of her. They clung to their mother's hands and stood patiently at her sides.

"I haven't got to do anything. But what do you mean? Help with what? Is this about Major Bryant?"

Ethel nodded quickly and Elsie sighed angrily.

"I blame myself for not stepping in earlier, that I will admit. How long had it been going on?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Long enough to get me pregnant."