Ch 21- Thanksgiving, Part I

Two Weeks Later- Late November 1918

The flu seemed to go away as mysteriously as it came, leaving the house battle-scarred but standing firm. Carson had said he was amazed and thankful the house had only suffered one casualty, Matthew Crawley's young fiancé, Miss Swire. Elsie held her tongue when he said this not wanting to confess that there'd been a second, but far less noticeable casualty: their own unborn child. Elsie was heartbroken about the baby and even two weeks later, she still had not told her husband the horrible thing that had happened to her when he was ill.

She scarcely believed it had happened at all, how could it have? But the whole thing became very real again each time she entered Downton's kitchen. The shock, the immense physical pain, the instant pressing grief, and all that blood… parts of her child. It washed over her in an all-consuming way several times a day. It hurt so much her heart could barley take it, and for a while it had caused great contention between her and Beryl who felt she needed to tell Charlie the whole truth as soon as possible. She would, she promised, when she was ready. Elsie tried her best to shake off her pain and decided she didn't want the loss of the unborn child to be an emotional burden for her husband as it was for her. She would tell him when the time was right. But for now she'd be elusive on the subject.

She was devastated and felt overwrought with grief as the whole household walked a long procession back from the churchyard to Downton. Elsie held Charlotte close on her hip and both she and Carson held one of Charlie's hands as he walked. Miss Swire's funeral was clearly a somber occasion but the little boy kept picking up his feet off the ground and hanging from his parent's hands, swinging from their grasp. The two knew better than to let him play at a funeral, but couldn't help but let him swing from their arms. They were so grateful for all they had and wanted their boy to be happy.

Elsie smiled bittersweetly at her son as he giggled, seeing her husband gaze at her lovingly out of the corner of her eye. She looked away. She couldn't look him in the eye, especially not now. The funeral had been difficult to for her to sit through. It made her think about how her baby had been alive and how it had also died, but that would go unacknowledged. The missing Carson child was non-existent to everyone else but to her it was just that: missing, a casualty, someone to be equally grieved. Elsie was too hurt to look into her husband's eyes. The love in his reminded her of the child she'd lost and she feared that when he looked in her eyes he'd see the emptiness in them and understand her pain in a single heartbeat.

Elsie had tried her best over the last few weeks to focus on the fact that she still had her wonderful husband and beautiful, healthy children. She had even spent the last couple of weeks since the twins' recovery, spoiling them as much as she could get away with predominantly keeping them with her instead of sending them to nanny (which had caused a huge problem for the now superbly lonely Benjamin Crawley). She spoiled them endlessly, letting them have whatever they wanted, and spent every waking second she could playing with them. But whatever she did, it didn't fill the whole in her heart or keep her eyes from brimming with tears.

Carson was a bit concerned about his wife's behavior toward the twins but supposed he'd been giving them special treatment after the illness as well. He was very hurt though, about her newfound distance toward him. She wouldn't make love to him, talk to him much or look at him intently and he didn't understand it. He didn't put together that any of her behavior had to do with the baby she'd apparently been expecting. He had, however, made at least half a dozen attempts to inquire about the state of their littlest one: how she was feeling, when it would arrive and so forth. Every time he tried to ask she dodged him or they were interrupted. After a while, he started to wonder if perhaps she'd just been mistaken about being pregnant and was hurt about it. But he was skeptical on that front.

Carson stared at his wife as they walked, their little boy weighing down on both of their arms. She stared straight ahead, a single tear running down her cheek. He studied her intently and had been for several days, trying to figure out what was wrong. She looked different to him in a way he couldn't name. She'd also looked different on the day she'd told him about the baby: radiant, glowing. He'd had no doubt about the child because seen it in her eyes and in her curves and even her smile. It'd been precious to him and the idea that somehow they weren't having a baby after all broke his heart. All of it was gone though. He couldn't see it in her, now, for example. All he saw was heartache.

….

"I think it's a ridiculous idea." Mary shrugged, sipping her tea.

"Mary I'm surprised at you!" Cora cried. "It's about being grateful and we have much to be grateful for!"

"Your mother is right." Lord Grantham sighed. He was upset about his daughter having left with Tom; but didn't feel ungrateful in the least. His wife and son had lived, and by all accounts things had turned out as well as they reasonably could have. If nothing else, he was glad that everyone was alive and well.

Cora was disgusted with her daughter. She took Ben and pulled him in closer on her lap.

"Mama I want to celebrate Thanksgivings…. what's Thanksgivings?" He asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

The boy was a bit feverish still, but would be just fine.

"It's a holiday in America." Cora giggled, kissing his forehead. "Where we have a dinner, and give other people dinner to celebrate that we're thankful for things." She smiled at her son as he clapped, understanding that he had a giving spirit.

"I don't see what's wrong with that. We do have a lot to be grateful for." Edith shrugged with a smile.

"You Americans." Mary rolled her eyes as she got up.

She went out into the hall, running into Carson on her way up the stairs.

"Good evening m'lady." He said.

"Oh Carson, you're just who I wanted speak to!"

"Oh? What about m'lady?"

"Well it's Sir Richard's idea really. He should be the one to ask you, but I just couldn't help but do it first. We'd like for you to come work for us of course, as our butler at Haxby."

"Oh…that is a generous offer my lady. I am quite flattered, but Mrs. Carson and I…"

"Oh please consider it! Say you'll think about it! It'd be a substantial raise of course! Well I'll say good night, please let me know."

"Thank you m'lady I will."

The two parted and Carson went down the stairs, feeling burdened by Mary's request. At first he told himself that the answer was absolutely no. Downton was still his home in many ways. He'd been there since he was a boy. He owed his life and allegiance to the place and to Lord Grantham. Moreover he loved Downton. He had many happy memories there over the years. It was where he'd met his beautiful wife and spent his life with her. Besides, he couldn't just leave Elsie and the twins there in the day. When would they ever see each other? But he couldn't help but consider that he had two growing children, (he wanted to have a third before it was too late to have one, although he hadn't mentioned that to Elsie yet) and he knew he could use the money.

…

"A Thanksgiving supper?" Elsie asked looking at the menu, shaking her head.

"However will we manage it?" Beryl inquired.

"I think it'll be nice!" Elsie added.

While upset about her baby, she was feeling extra grateful about her husband and children and wouldn't mind a whole dinner to celebrate it. She thought it might make her feel better. Cora had brought Mrs. Patmore a Thanksgiving menu earlier in the day. The turkey was simple, but some of the rest of it was American food she was not so used to and the cook found herself somewhat apprehensive.

"I think it will too." Carson smiled, coming in the room.

His wife smiled, turning around to face him. His heart leapt at her brief acknowledgement and he hoped she was ready to forgive him for whatever it was he hadn't realized he'd done.

"That's easy for you to say." Beryl added. "You don't have to be the one to cook it then now do you?"

"Charles, Charlotte, what may I ask are you doing?"

The twins stopped looking up at their father wide-eyed from their place on the floor. Mrs. Patmore had given them a bunch of pots, pans and utensils to play with and even though it was late they were busy banging the spoons on the pots laughing hard at all the noise they made, noise that hadn't bothered their mother and godmother. The twins were overtired and as a result a bit hyper.

"They're just playing with the sounds Daddy that's all." Elsie giggled.

"I see." He said sternly, pretending to disapprove. "Mrs. Carson. I have something….a few things we need to discuss."

"Alright. Beryl?"

"I've got em' play on you two!" She encouraged the twins as they started to play the pots and pans again. "Do either of you know how to make stuffing?"

Elsie giggled as she shut the sitting room door behind her. "They're so preci…" She stopped when, after just seconds her husband's lips were on her. She melted into the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled him in close.

"Well, you're not usually so passionate…not at Downton."

"Well my Mrs. Hughes, we have lots of reasons to celebrate."

"I suppose we do." She bit her lip.

"Sherry?"

"Yes please. Do you have some news?"

"Yes…I'm unsure I'd call it news. I've yet to accept, you're the deciding factor after all. That and I have another matter to discuss with you about something you said to me a few weeks ago."

"Oh." Her heart started to pound. "How about the news first."

"Very well. As you know; Lady Mary is set to marry Sir Richard, they plan on moving to Haxby a house not too far from here, it's just a short drive." He sighed. "She wants me to be their butler."

He stopped when he saw Elsie's eyes widen in horror.

"B-but how… Downton is your home, Charlie the babies and I are here would we go with you…" She had not expected this and her heart began to thud faster. She took the sherry and drank the whole glass down quickly as he took a seat across from her, almost sitting on his son's abandoned teddy bear in the process. He laughed, taking the bear in his hands before he sat down.

"I'm asking you because you are my wife." He smiled. "And I won't make any decision without your input. And I do love Downton, it's my third home…"

"Your third?"

"My third. The second being our cottage, the first being you: wherever you and I are together is my home."

"Oh Charlie." She paused, tears in her eyes.

"But Haxby would be so much more money, I'd never consider it if it weren't for that. We do have Becky lass to take care of, and ourselves and two wonderful children who are getting bigger and bigger all the time. Money isn't the world to me but we could do with some more of it."

"I suppose." She didn't seem convinced.

"I'd like to add on to the cottage a little… have another little room tacked on downstairs maybe."

"Oh?"

"It's wonderful but kind of cramped for three children, isn't it?" He inquired, her heart stopped with a thud then resumed pounding for a moment. She didn't know what to say and luckily, Charlotte saved her by beginning to cry.

…

"I wish you'd talk to me." Carson said.

"Mama." Charlie whispered.

"Shuu we'll be home in a few moments lad."

Carson and Elsie each carried a twin as they walked back to the house and Carson found she would speak to their son and not to him.

"I never said I'd take it." He defended.

"No but you did celebrate it." She reminded once they got in the door.

"It's money we need. I don't want to go but…"

"Money isn't everything." She reminded, carrying their son upstairs as he yawned. Charlotte was already fast asleep on her father's shoulder and snoring.

"No it certainly isn't."

"Mummy tired." Charlie whined.

"Shhhuu my sweet boy it's late but its time to go to sleep." She kissed him.

"I'm just trying to do what I think is best." Carson sighed, following her out of the twins' room when she shut the door.

"What's best is splitting up your family? This is about Lady Mary, not the money." She accused as he followed her downstairs.

'No! No. It's about providing for you that's all. Believe me I want to be with you everyday over everything but…Elsie three dependents."

Her breath caught in her throat when she heard the number three from him again. Then she realized he was of course referring to Becky. Even so, it was too soon after her miscarriage for her to really think about how, for a few days, they had had three children, maybe even four, and he kept reminding her of it without knowing.

She found herself practically fixated on the miscarriage. It had taken her a while but she was beginning to realize how deeply hurt she was by the loss of her unborn baby. She'd been anxious for another child before this had happened and soon, she'd start to ache for the one she lost. After a while she would come to understand a small chunk of her was gone too, off somewhere with the unnamed baby who was, in her mind, simply missing. Earlier that day she'd realized that while she was profoundly thankful for what she still had, she felt emptier than ever before. Back before she had the twins she'd longed to have a child. She'd thought her barrenness had hurt. But now that she'd lost a baby, she thought she'd finally understood what pain was.

Determined to move on she kept the twins with her following the miscarriage and their recovery from the flu. She tried to enjoy her time with them, and to some degree she did. But now when she looked at her family she couldn't help but note that it seemed like someone wasn't there.

"That's right. Three dependents." She said pointedly. She turned from him and hurriedly went up the stairs. She shut the door behind her hard, signifying she didn't want him to follow.

Carson sighed, his heart heavy because he'd upset her. He built a fire to warm the house and went to work making tea, hoping it might make it better…whatever it was he'd done.

…

Three Days Later

Beryl paused, drying her hands on her apron as she looked over at her friend. Elsie sat at the table staring at the menu Cora had given her that morning. It was obvious to the cook though, that Elsie was upset and only pretending to focus on it. "Are you alright?" She whispered. "I don't suppose you are."

Elsie looked up, tears in her eyes. "Right here." She said. "I was sitting right here, just like any other day."

"Oh sweetheart I know."

"If I couldn't keep him why did I have to get pregnant at all? At my age and with my history?"

"M-maybe it had a purpose?"

"A purpose. What purpose? To make his mother suffer when she was aching for one last chance at a wee one before she was too old."

"Y-you were?"

Elsie nodded tearfully. "Shhuuu Mr. Carson might hear."

"You still haven't told him?"

Elsie sighed. "I don't want to upset him when he's so happy and during the holidays and I don't want him to hear us talking about babies." She paused. "He thinks now's the time we should be… trying." She emphasized. "And I'm in no physical condition for it."

"You're not still bleeding?"

Elsie nodded, pausing for a moment before continuing. "There were- there were several sets of twins in my mother's family and I read somewhere, a long time ago, when Mr. Carson and I were first trying to have a baby that that made me an excellent candidate for having twins myself and we both know that's obviously true."

"Oh!" She smiled. "So that's why you made two blankets then."

"Mr. Carson thinks I knew something I didn't… it was a guess. A very good one …. And Mrs. Patmore I think this time… this time I may've lost two not one. It would explain, …" She paused unable to continue. If she'd lost twins it would explain why the miscarriage had taken so long. Elsie wiped her tears and continued. "And now I look at my twins… and knowing what I've lost… it makes it so much more real to me so much more painful. And with him wanting…"

"Were you trying for this baby?"

Elsie paused, drying her tears. She felt like she had to work hard at dodging her husband's advances and felt bad about that. There was a part of her that wanted him just as much as he desired her, but she'd not healed yet physically and was emotionally crushed.

"We'd considered trying. It's no secret that I'm getting too old, if I'm not already. But what Charlie forgot is that he has a wife who can only get pregnant on a complete fluke. We tried for so long before the twins… and then this one I… I told him I thought I might be pregnant just before it happened. And now I'm not sure what he's thinking. Some days I think perhaps he knows what has happened. Others I assume he thinks I was mistaken and yet others I get the feeling he thinks I am pregnant. I don't know… but he seems to want to try and to be honest I never want to have sex again." She said bluntly. Beryl was surprised for a moment.

"He's your lovely husband of over twenty years. Ya can't say that."

"I love him in every way a wife could love a man but I'm a mother too and I'm heart broken. This is so painful and my fault."

"Your fault?"

"It's my age. I couldn't carry him or them… it must be why my…" She stopped suddenly, her hand pressed hard against her empty womb. "It must be why my baby died I was too told to carry him."

Mrs. Patmore shook her head no and took her hands. "You've got two wonderful, living children. You were working yarself to the bone trying to make sure they and your sweet husband, and everyone in this house made it through. And you did." She smiled.

"Then I'm a horrible mother because my baby paid that price for everyone else, my poor wee lamb." She sobbed.

Beryl took her in her arms, drying her tears. "I'll cover for you the rest of the afternoon, I think you should go upstairs and see your lad and your lass."

Beryl held Elsie for quite some more time. Eventually, Carson walked by the kitchen, stunned to see his wife sobbing in their friend's arms. Neither of them noticed he was watching, so he just stood there and stared, unable to make sense of the situation. He'd known something was amiss but he had no clue what it was and still didn't. Carson elected not to intervene for now but to decided to do his best to figure it out and be extra sweet to her in the meantime.

…

"'What's Thanksgiving?" Charlie asked.

Cora had taken all three of the children into the sitting room with her and was trying to explain this new holiday they were about to all partake in.

"It's something we do in America." Cora began. "Where we have a dinner and all spend time together and celebrate what we're thankful for. Can the three of you think of what you're thankful for?" Elsie approached as Cora asked this, pausing outside the doorway where she couldn't be seen, wondering what her two would say.

"No flu!" Charlie volunteered.

"That's very good Charlie, I feel the same way." Cora approved.

"Mummy!" Charlotte exclaimed.

Elsie's heart leapt at her daughter's choice. She was thankful for her, she chose her. She didn't know if she could ever remember being more touched. Elsie went into the room unannounced, Charlotte turned around at that moment to see her.

"Mummy!" She exclaimed, running toward her with open arms. Charlie followed suit and Elsie got on her knees, eager to hold them.

Cora watched as she kissed the twins and held them tight, knowing immediately that something was wrong.

"Benjamin what are you thankful for love?" Cora asked, running her fingers through his hair as she watched Elsie.

"Sybil." He said quietly, beginning to cry.

Ben broke away from his mother and ran past Elsie and the twins out into the hall. Cora was a little embarrassed and made her way passed her friend to find her son.

"Mummy we're happy." Charlie said once they were alone together.

"Yeah Mummy really happy cause we don't have a sister to miss."

Elsie paused, stunned at their words. Their comment really shook her up and she said nothing for a moment before finally agreeing.

"No my lad and my lass, no you don't."

The twins kissed their mom's cheeks not knowing they'd just torn open a painful wound.

…

"Benjamin you need to come out." Cora sighed, telling her son to crawl out from under the table where he was hiding.

"No!"

"Benjamin this is not part of being thankful."

"What's this then?" Robert asked, coming into the room, his newspaper in hand. Cora sighed.

"Benjamin are you going to come out or do I need to tell Daddy?" Ben didn't answer and so Cora spoke. "Your son is under the table, he ran under there after I asked him what he'd be thankful for this Thanksgiving."

"Well that's certainly not the spirit." Robert was surprised.

"No it isn't. He wants Sybil."

"Oh." Robert said flatly.

"Yes."

Robert sighed, getting on his knees next to his wife and lifted the tablecloth to confront his son. Cora sighed painfully when she saw he was still crying.

"Come here my boy we have to talk to you." Robert told him, pulling him out from under the table and onto his lap against his will. Benjamin pouted, crossing his arms but knew he couldn't get away and didn't try. "I understand you miss your sister."

Ben thought everything was his Dad's fault… and Tom's fault. And he was very angry with them both. He wanted his sister to return to Downton, partially so he could be with her, and partially because he had this gravely unrealistic fantasy of punching Tom in the face.

"We know you love your sister…" Cora began.

"The bestest." Ben pouted.

"I know my baby." She soothed. "But…"

"But." Robert sighed. "Your sister is an adult. She's old enough to make her own decisions and I suspect you will understand her choice some day." Robert stopped.

He didn't know what possessed him to say any of this but he supposed it was true. Times were changing and in a way (although a small way) he thought he was proud of his daughter for embracing that.

"I don't know if they'll come but would you like it if we invited them for Thanksgiving?" Cora asked hopefully and Robert looked up horrified. He wasn't ready to go that far with it.

"Cora…" He cautioned.

"Robert it'd be lovely, and we'll pay their way?"

Robert said nothing, watching as his little boy looked up hopefully.

He sighed. "Alright… I'll write them."