Ch 22- Thanksgiving, Part II
November 28th, 1918
"It's my first American holiday." Daisy observed eagerly.
"And likely your last." Carson pointed out, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh I don't think so, something tells me we'll have many more American holidays in this house." Elsie said, putting Charlie into his chair.
The twins had nearly outgrown their highchairs but were still using them because they were vastly too short for the regular dining chairs. Elsie was glad. It comforted her to see the high chairs still filled when they had dinner, if they were empty it would've bothered her making her think even more about the second set of twins she'd lost. Or what she and Dr. Clarkson thought was a second set of twins.
It'd been several weeks since the miscarriage and she'd finally stopped bleeding. On one hand it was a relief for it to stop, it had been painful not to mention frightening but on the other, it was like another death. It met it was over, they were gone and there was nothing left to cling to but the memory of what wasn't. She felt horribly empty now and a chill went up her spine every time her husband touched her. She wanted him to stop touching her, to go away… at the same time she wished for him to hold her forever. His embrace might drown out the pain. It was a really odd mix of emotions and in addition to everything else she was worried about her mental state.
"Mummy I want to go to America." Charlie chimed.
Carson looked back at his son disapprovingly.
"Ha!" Elsie squeaked in surprise. "Look at you, Mummy's little adventurer." Charlie giggled.
"Daddy I wouldn't ever go to America." Charlotte whispered, causing him to smile.
"That's my girl." He whispered.
"What about Scotland?" She asked.
"That would be fine Charlotte, Daddy happens to love someone from Scotland very much."
"I think we should've had our own private Thanksgiving." Bates whispered to Anna, not realizing Carson could hear him.
"I think that's an exceptional idea Mr. Bates." Anna agreed.
The two were glad to finally be married and were practically inseparable. Carson envied them; he was getting the feeling his wife wanted nothing to do with him all of a sudden. He was worried about this and part of him supposed it was the rollercoaster of emotion that accompanied pregnancy. He'd been considering it for a while and thought now that she was still pregnant…she just had to be with how she was acting. At the same time, she'd wanted to be much closer to him when she was expecting the twins: she'd seemed to relish his touch and his love. Now she'd barely look his way.
"I think they're on to something." Carson told his wife. She was in the midst of supervising the twins as they ate and ignored him. He paused for a moment. "I'm thankful for you my Elsie."
She looked up when he said this and turned to him, smiling. "Oh Charlie I'm thankful for you too."
He broke protocol and leaned over the twins, kissing her lips softly despite the fact that everyone was there; simply relieved she still loved him.
…
Ben looked around curiously from his place at the table where he sat atop several large books. This was maybe the second time in his entire life he'd eaten dinner with his family. He often had lunch with his mother, but always had dinner alone with nanny after the twins left the nursery. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't even know to feel left out by his family. The twins got to eat with their parents many nights if not most, and even though he understood his family only shunned him because he was little, he felt deeply hurt by it.
He didn't understand much of what was going on at the table and tried his best to participate maturely even though he was crushed: Sybil had not come. He sighed, resigned to the fact that she must not love him anymore. He wanted to run away and hide under something just as he had the other day but refrained, wanting to make his father proud of him.
In truth, the little boy was torn. He found it odd to be eating with Granny and Mary, almost everyone else he'd dined with at least once before, even Matthew and Cousin Isobel. Ben was still very little and given that he was upset, his efforts to eat without being too messy felt extraordinary to him, like he was trying to move the whole world. His parents and even Sir Richard kept praising his efforts but Mary continually glared at him disapprovingly. Every time she did it, it made his tiny heart dip down further into his stomach and caused him to have an even harder time holding himself together. He looked back at Mary wanting to simply say that Sybil had been the best sister in the world and she was the worst. If he had, Edith would've merely agreed with him.
"Mary that's enough he's just a baby." Cora urged upon hearing her last criticism.
"Well we shouldn't have babies at the table now should we?"
"Well it isn't how we'll do it at Haxby." Sir Richard considered, shrugging as he sipped his wine.
"And it isn't how you used to do it at Downton."
Carson paused at his place by the buffet not liking what he was hearing.
"I think it's a welcome change!" Isobel asserted.
"I do as well." Matthew laughed. Like the Carson children, he always ate with his family when he was a young boy.
"He is your brother and he is little but he is doing a wonderful job, aren't you darling?" Cora asked.
"Children were never allowed in the dining room in my time." Violet observed, watching her grandson who eyed her nervously. "But I suppose I agree. Times have moved on and frankly why should the boy be forced to eat alone?"
"Granny?" Mary felt cornered.
"I for one think it should be a regular thing." Robert suggested, partially just to anger Mary. He didn't like her treatment of Benjamin on this matter one bit and found he liked having his son at the table with them.
Cora gasped, smiling and turning to Ben when he said this.
"Mommy thinks that's an excellent idea don't you Benjamin?"
"So do I." Edith agreed.
"As do I." Came a voice. Everyone turned to see Sybil and Tom standing in the doorway.
"Oh darling!" Cora gasped. She and Ben forgot all decorum, hurrying out of their chairs and ran to hug her.
Isobel and the girls got up a moment later and began greeting Tom and Sybil. Robert didn't know what overcame him exactly but he brought himself to his feet and went to greet them too. The first thing he'd noticed when they came in, was how happy they were and within seconds it struck him that that was all that counted especially on Thanksgiving.
…
"Mr. Carson?" Ben asked, taking the butler's hand. He'd been promised he
could go downstairs and say happy thanksgiving to his friends after dinner.
"Yes?" He asked beginning to walk the boy away from the sitting room where
the family now convened.
"Is this my house?" He asked.
"Well yes."
"I mean that, one day when I'm big like you and Papa am I going to live here,
like he does?"
"Do you mean will you be Lord Grantham as well?"
"Um-hum." He nodded.
Carson paused finding it funny the boy had asked him this and not his father. He supposed it was the same reason why Mary had grown close to him when she was small: she could ask him things honestly without judgment.
"Yes, you will be Lord Grantham and this will be your house."
"In that case. When I'm Lord Grantham and this is my house, may I kick Mary out of it?"
Carson paused, unsure whether or not he liked this question. He still loved Lady Mary just as he always had, but he found her treatment of her baby brother appalling in a way that had tipped the scales for him. He would certainly not work at Haxby, not after tonight. He considered the boy's question for a moment, deciding to admit he understood where he was coming from.
"His lordship may have whoever in his house he wishes, and he may dismiss whoever he likes as well."
"Yay!" He cried.
"Just one question if I may, your future lordship."
"Yes?" He looked up hopefully.
"Where did you get such an idea, of dismissing your sister?"
"Charlotte." He said simply.
…
"We understand you don't think we like you anymore." Tom said as he and Sybil tucked Ben into bed. The boy hesitated, then nodded slowly.
"Well that couldn't be further from the truth!" Sybil giggled. "You know I love you more than the whole world." She leaned down and kissed her brother's tiny nose.
"I love you too little guy, I understand you're mad at me I thought we were friends."
"We were but you took my faborite!" He decided to admit, rolling over in bed and turning away from them.
If Mary could be blunt, so could he. Ben paused; trying to figure how punching Tom could work into this conversation. Looking back at their happy smiles he realized he didn't really want to punch him. He still loved him too. He just wanted his sister back.
"Oh Benjamin darling, you're my favorite too." Sybil kissed his cheek. "But I'm quite grown up now and marrying Tom was the right thing for me. You'll understand that one day I promise."
"Girls yick." He stuck out his tongue and crossed his arms defiantly, already unsure whether or not he felt this way, at least, not about one little auburn haired girl. Tom and Sybil laughed.
"The fact that we don't live here now doesn't mean either of us love you less." Tom added. "In fact, I'm your brother now, did you know that?"
Ben rolled over and looked back at them, unaware of this fact. The idea of having a brother easily swayed the child's opinion and he began to reconsider.
"Oh Ben, we miss you too! We love you so much and want to spend lots of time with you when we are around."
He looked back at Sybil, her eyes pleading with him.
"Can I visit you?!" He asked.
He'd been jealous when his older sisters attended Sybil's wedding and he and his mother had not been allowed.
"We'll see what Papa has to say." She said.
"But we'll write you, a lot." Tom promised.
"And we'll have a wonderful few days together, that I promise."
After a moment Tom excused himself, leaving Sybil to say good night privately. Ben was still upset that they'd left but changed his mind on his new brother-in-law, deciding that one day when he was grown Tom Branson would be welcome in his home and Mary Crawley would not. Charlotte had told him he should think of it that way and she had been right.
"I love you Ben." Sybil whispered, kissing his cheek. "I miss you so much. I know you're hurt that you're little and can't understand but one day I promise there will be a special girl maybe even one that they don't want you to be with and you will understand. But for now know that I waited for you for years even when I didn't know I was waiting and I love you dear baby brother more than the others." He was half asleep now and not reacting to her words. But he could hear her and would always recall what she had to say, in fact, it would haunt him, and then finally soothe him all his days. "Remember that even when I'm not here my Ben, you always have my heart and I am always with you sweet baby brother."
…..
The Carsons arrived home very late that night. They still weren't talking much and put their sleeping twins to bed in silence.
"I've come to a decision." He said once he shut the nursery door.
"Oh?"
"I won't be going to Haxby after all."
"Why not?"
"Would you like a drink?" She paused then nodded, taking his hand as he led her down the stairs. "Much of it was what you said." He told her first. "But some of it was Master Benjamin."
"Master Benjamin? She questioned as she sat in one of their armchairs.
"He had dinner with the family tonight, maybe his second time ever, and Lady Mary was just awful to him."
"Oh." Elsie frowned. She liked Benjamin a great deal and had a far higher opinion of him than she ever could of his oldest sister.
"It was difficult to listen to and Lady Grantham was not pleased."
"It's odd to hear you say a thing against Lady Mary." She reflected taking the glass of sherry he offered.
He sighed. "Her treatment of her own baby brother I… Elsie." He sat on the ottoman across from her. "I love having children around. Even before you I, I had this secret desire to be a father one day. I think its one of the reasons I always loved Lady Mary and its one of the things that for me distinguished Downton from many other great houses: children are more valued there."
"Yes they are." She agreed whole heartedly, thinking about how her own children, servant's children had been warmly taken into Downton's nursery and how she'd been treated so wonderfully when she'd given birth there.
For a long time though she thought his love of Lady Mary had come from her inability to give him a child of his own. She'd never told him this but had thought it for many years and when she miscarried and he announced that he might follow Mary to Haxby, she found herself instantaneously jealous and very hurt. The suggestion brought back horrible feelings of inadequacy on her part, making her feel all the worse for having miscarried his baby.
"I love how we do it at Downton, with all the children. Most of all I love watching you with our children Elsie. I've looked forward to it for so many years…how could I go away and miss out everyday? I could never ever do that. Looking on you and our beautiful children is my utmost joy." He smiled kindly and she began to cry, touched at his words and at once crushed again for the baby she lost. Carson reached over and dried his wife's tears, pained that she was crying. He knew something was wrong but did not know what.
"I love watching you be the mother I always knew you would be." He continued as her tears flowed. "You're so beautiful at it, so radiant. I didn't get to say it at dinner but that's what I'm thankful for: that I get to see my Elsie as a mother."
"Oh Charlie." She cried, leaning over and kissing him simply. "I love seeing my Mr. Carson as a father, it's what I'm thankful for too."
He reached over and dried her tears, wondering why she seemed so sad. He was desperate to know, to comfort her but didn't want to press her.
"Anyhow. I want to spend my days watching my beautiful wife mother my children, what could be better? And if there's less money to go around as they grow or when we add another mouth to feed then so be it. Beyond that, I can't work in a place, or possibly take my own children to a place where my employers don't value children in the way Lady Grantham does."
"I wouldn't want that either." She whispered.
He leaned over and kissed her softly, relieved she allowed him to do that. He'd barely touched her since before the flu hit. They'd always been very active and loving toward each other and he found her distance (in an intimate sense) almost frightening. He'd even worried she'd fallen out of love with him.
"I love my children so much and I love you. My days and my whole life would be dismal without you Elsie Carson." She blushed; the idea that she was so important to him soothed something deep inside.
"So you're not going to mind the house is a bit snug and finances a bit tight sometimes? We have a wonderful life Charles, a better one than I could've ever dreamed and I don't mind any of it." She whispered, her nose touching his.
"Thanksgiving was a wonderful idea. Because it made me realize how much gratitude I have for all I have." He smiled. "I want this small cozy house, full of my wife's love and soon to be three pairs of little feet running about." He said as she started to cry.
She was at once completely crushed and very touched by his words, not knowing how to tell him there weren't going to be three pairs of feet, but that there could've been four.
"That's all I want too." She told him, trying to convince him that she was okay. "You don't have to be so brave." He whispered, kissing her forehead as they rose to their feet.
"W-what?" She was stunned.
"My love you are so brave. Remember when the twins were born and I was telling you that you're my brave girl? I love that about you, I always have from the moment I laid eyes on you. You're a beautiful, strong, courageous woman who holds so much together but… I want to remind you it's alright to fall apart and to do it on me."
"What makes you bring this up?" She asked nervously.
He sighed. "Something's not quite right. Something's wrong. I know it. Whatever it is, and whenever you feel like opening up to me please, please do. I love you beyond compare and I aim to share everything with you even fear or longing."
Elsie paused, wondering if he knew she'd miscarried, earlier in the conversation he still seemed to suspect she was pregnant. She remembered how things had changed, many years before when she'd opened up to him about not being able to get pregnant. They'd been close before then but had gotten closer when they shared their pain, fallen deeper in love.
"I love you Elsie and I want to be there with you all the way though no matter what the storm."
He took a thick wool blanket off the couch and wrapped it around her, pulling her into his embrace. For a while, she thought he'd been angry and was touched at his warmth. She hugged him tight, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
"I love you Elspeth Carson." He kissed her forehead as he held her close, rocking her slowly. "And I'm so thankful for you and my children, whether it's two or three." He whispered and she buried her face in his chest and sobbed.