Ch 28- Waiting
April 1919
"Mummy what are they doing in there?" Charlie asked, knocking gently on his mother's stomach.
The twins were growing increasing curious about the bump on their mother's middle by the day and as it grew, wanted to know more and more about it.
"Who?" She asked, overwhelmed but trying not to act like it.
Beryl watched, saying nothing as Elsie rested in her kitchen and the twins gathered around her.
"Those babies." Charlotte pointed.
"Sweet lass there's just going to be one wee one this time."
"But we're twins." Charlie protested.
"Yes my loves you are."
"We thought we'd get a new brother and sister like us." Charlotte explained.
The twins knew everyone wasn't a twin but thought everyone in their family would be. Charlotte had overheard something she wasn't supposed to about mummy loosing other twins, who weren't going to come after all, something which she'd of course passed on to her brother. The pair had been very saddened by this news and had, as a result, come to the understanding that all subsequent siblings would be twins.
"No my wee ones you're very special not many people are like you." She smiled, cupping Charlotte's cheek in her hand, a tear almost coming to her eye.
"But we want twins." Charlie complained.
"Cause we- we both want a baby to play with." Charlotte pouted.
She didn't say it, but like her father she was sick of hearing Mrs. Patmore consistently declare that the baby was a boy. She wanted a baby sister because she was in someway, lonely. She loved Charlie and Ben but she tired of being the only little girl around. She wanted someone to play dollies with.
"Oh love, Mummy would love more twins too." She said, biting her lip. If she hadn't miscarried she'd be almost ready to deliver those second twins and the thought saddened her more.
Elsie, you see, was under a lot of stress. Ethel was bothering her, and moreover she'd yet to hear back from the doctor about the biopsy.
"Mummy don't cry!" Charlotte burst as Beryl turned to look at her friend.
"Mummy no cry!" Charlie followed.
"Oh my lad and lass, I'm just, just a little tired." She lied, wiping her eyes with her fingers.
"Mummy? How'd he get in there?" Charlie asked and Beryl burst out laughing.
…..
Carson lay awake staring at his sleeping wife, a pained look on her face as she tossed about, obviously uncomfortable. He hesitated but laid his palm gently on the roundest part of her fastly growing stomach, his hand nearly covering the bump.
"What's going on with mummy?" He asked as the child kicked wildly. "Do you have four legs?" He giggled, pausing amid his fear. "I'm sure you know whatever it is… you hear her talk. Please just be good to her, be a calm little babe... for example you could start with not kicking so much while mummy's trying to sleep."
The baby replied with a swift kick in its father's hand that made its mother flinch and cry out in her sleep. Carson sighed, pausing for a moment longer as he felt the child wiggle within her, thinking back to the lump he'd felt several weeks back. He'd tried to put it out of his mind but could not. They hadn't had much sex while she was expecting the twins, nor had they shared their cottage for the first few months of the pregnancy, so he hadn't noticed many of the changes her body had gone through those first few months. Perhaps he just didn't know what to look for this time? He tried to tell himself, repeatedly, that she was just tired and her body different because of the baby. The lump couldn't possibly have anything to do with why she was so tired, so swollen and most of all, why she'd been acting so strangely: so upset.
But then he'd overheard her and Mrs. Patmore, and he knew she was keeping something from him: that something was wrong. Hurt by her secrecy, he figured all he could do was wait and pray and now that he'd shared the news with Cora, she felt the same. Carson bit his lip, and looked down when the baby kicked again.
"If nothing else my baby, you and I will make sure mummy knows how very loved she is." He said, tears coming to his eyes.
…
The Next Day
"Mummy do I have to go with you to help?" Charlotte asked once they were on the bus. She sat next to her mom on the bench, holding her doll, Lucy, tightly.
Charlotte was apprehensive about where they were going and about the idea of taking care of mummy all by herself. She had barely been out of their town and didn't know how to tell anyone who she was or where she was from except to say 'hi I'm Charlotte from Downton Abbey.' But even at four years old she didn't think anyone outside of their town would know what that met. What she didn't understand was that even being just a tiny girl; she was revered in the community because she was from Downton's nursery.
Elsie didn't feel she needed caring for: it was Carson who'd told their daughter, knowing they were going somewhere, to watch out for her mother.
"Yes my love." Elsie said, taking her little hand as she placed it on her fast growing stomach. "Are you a good mummy to your baby, Charlotte?"
The girl nodded quickly, a little pout played on her lips as she hugged her doll. Elsie ran her fingers through her daughter's hair, looking down at her sadly and realizing she might not live to see Charlotte hold her sibling like this, let alone get to be a mummy too. Elsie leaned down to kiss her, a single tear trickling down her cheek and onto the child's head. How cruel would that be, for her to wait years to be a mother only to die when the children were very small?
"Lucy." The child said, taking her single index finger and poking her mother's stomach.
"I like that name for a lass." Elsie smiled.
"What about boy baby?"
"I rather don't know yet. Daddy and I have to talk about it."
"Is it because of baby?" She asked.
"Hmm? Oh that you're coming with me? Yes it is, partially. Mostly it's because mummy wants time alone with her lass." Charlotte clapped and squealed when she said this. "And also mummy gets a wee bit tired because of baby and needs help carrying the basket."
Elsie had brought her because she hadn't really wanted to come alone. Charlotte would provide a diversion, and an excuse if she felt she needed to leave quickly.
"Why?"
"Because baby's heavy, and he's growing. Now Charlotte remember, we're not going to talk to Daddy about where we're going." Elsie reminded and the child nodded slowly.
"Why?" The four year old asked, sucking her thumb.
The thought of hiding something from her father made her upset, like her tummy was beginning to hurt and she didn't much like it. What she hadn't realized was that her father was well aware of where they were going and disapproved greatly.
"We're going to see some people who've asked for our help, do you remember Ethel? She hasn't worked at the house since you were a baby." Charlotte nodded. She did remember Ethel. "Ethel has her own baby, his name is Charlie, he's one and a half."
"Mummy that's funny, he has my brother's name and my daddy's!"
"Yes, yes he does."
"Mummy why are we taking them stuff?" She asked peering into the basket her mother had placed at her feet. It had all kinds of things inside it, ranging from food to baby clothes.
"Because Charlie and his Mummy don't have much of anything to wear or even to eat."
Charlotte gasped, her eyes wide. She had everything she could ever want on both those fronts. Charlotte had never gone hungry in her life. She and her brother shared in whatever lunch Benjamin was having, always eating with him and sometimes even with Lady Grantham herself. Lord Grantham, who liked the Carson children a lot, always gave them candy after lunch if he happened to be around. During the rest of the day, Mrs. Patmore spoiled the little girl and her brother with ice cream and treats (often Elsie had to remind the cook to stop). Some of the time, the twins and their parents would have dinner with the whole staff, but even at home, where they rarely ever were, the cupboards were always full and Charlotte always found herself stuffed before she went to bed.
Her mother and Anna made her beautiful clothes, and sometimes Cora would order things for her and Charlie when she had new clothes made for Benjamin. Compared to Charlie Parks, Charlotte Carson and her twin brother were very privileged children, honored by a community instead of outcast from it, and spoiled by everyone (including a Lord and Lady). So Charlotte didn't understand the concept of going without. Not at all.
"No food?" She questioned, wondering if her mother was absolutely sure.
"No food." Elsie reiterated, not wanting to tell her child she'd gone through periods in her own life without much food.
Charlotte was speechless, not really knowing what to think and took her mother's hand, staring off into space as they got off the bus.
"I don't know what their house is like." Elsie continued.
She paused, nervous about this now, figuring it would be quite a shock to the girl who, spent part of her time in an abbey and another portion of her time in a humble, but loving home with everything she could ever ask for. Elsie and her husband were no Lord and Lady but certainly did not go without compared with most people.
"Just don't say much, alright my lass?"
"But mummy, why doesn't he have anything to eat?" Charlotte asked.
Elsie sighed and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, bending down as best as she could to talk to her little girl. She paused, thinking for a moment about what to say and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"Because not everybody has a daddy my sweetheart."
Charlotte's eyes widened in terror at this idea. She couldn't imagine life without her father, just thinking about it made her ache deep in the pit of her stomach and made her want to cry.
"I-I want my daddy!" She sobbed.
"Shuuu mummy's lass it's alright." She soothed, pulling Charlotte into her arms. The little girl cried, wrapping her arms around her mother tight. Elsie rocked her as best she could. "It's alright."
"Mummy that's sad." She pouted as she sucked her thumb.
"Yes, yes it is. A lot of people." Elsie began, deciding to use the war as an excuse. "Their fathers died in the war. As you get older; you'll come to know more people who've had that happen."
The kind little girl found her heart was heavy: she didn't want to know about this or anything like it and suddenly found herself glad that her daddy had been too old to go to the war. The thought was different for Elsie. If Charlotte couldn't handle the thought of a strange baby's father being dead how would she handle being told she only had months left with her own mother?
"Charlotte don't cry my love: that's just the way things are sometimes." Elsie sighed, swallowing her own tears as she held the girl.
"We can't stop it?" The girl asked, her voice wavering in fear.
"No. No lass we can't stop it." Elsie bit her lip and kissed her forehead.
…
Visiting Ethel was very emotionally challenging for Elsie, mostly because the younger woman's desperation mirrored what she felt inside. The more she thought of cancer; the more terrified she became. She couldn't bear to think of Carson growing bitter, the children growing up without her, the one under her heart never knowing her. It was when the idea of Charlotte forgetting her entered her mind that she really started to get really upset. It had been a long day and Charlotte napped on the way back to their village, her head in what was left of her mother's lap. Elsie cried silently as she ran her fingers through the little girl's hair.
"Mummy loves you so much baby girl." She whispered. "And she hopes she doesn't have to leave you."
Before that day Elsie never would've thought of her child, as privileged per say but now it was clear that she was. Seeing Charlotte at Ethel's made her fully realize that her daughter knew nothing aside from life in a great house and a quaint cottage. Elsie came away from the experience shaken and a little proud. Obviously horrified by the life Ethel and her baby lived, tiny Charlotte who could've been reactive or even snobbish had been nothing but gracious and had even suggested they bring her brother next time so that the two Charlie's could meet.
Still, the contrast between her childhood and that of her daughter's was huge. Elsie realized that in some way her youth had been more like Charlie Parks' than Charlotte Carson's, in the way that she'd been much poorer and lived in harsh circumstances; having had a father who wasn't all that attentive and a baby sister who was so severely disabled. Elsie gulped again at the thought of Becky, running her hand over her belly and suddenly remembering an old worry: that whatever was wrong with Becky could be inherited and passed to her unborn baby. Elsie took a deep breath as Charlotte stirred on her lap and the bus came to an abrupt stop.
"Mummy! Mummy! Are you okay?"
"Yes lass I'm fine. We're home, would you like to have ice cream with mummy before going back to the house?"
Charlotte paused for a moment, nodding her head hesitantly after thinking about it. Part of her didn't want to do it. She was tired and felt sick and confused because she knew what Charlie and his mummy were going through was wrong. But she acquiesced, agreeing that ice cream would do them both good.
"Mummy?" She asked when they first got the treat. "Is baby getting ice cream too?"
"Hum?" Elsie asked, biting into hers before Charlotte did, seeming to be barely paying attention for a moment.
Half the reason she'd offered the ice cream was because she was craving it. Charlotte could tell that and paused for another moment just watching her mother eat.
"Does the baby eat what you eat?"
"Yes he does lass. He was the one who asked for the ice cream."
Charlotte giggled at this.
"Charlotte. Mummy loves you so much. Please, try not to be bothered about what you saw today. Mummy's proud of you for helping her be of help."
"Okay…"
Charlotte was proud, and had understood what she had done, but she was also confused about some things and had decided to ask her daddy about them when they returned to the abbey.
…
Two Hours Later
It was nearly time to ring the gong and everyone was busy, no one more so than Charles Carson who wondered why his twin children run amok downstairs when they should've been with their nanny. Elsie had been keeping the twins closer to her and having them with nanny far less often these past few weeks, something else that disturbed him and he couldn't figure out. As such he decided to say nothing on the matter and had instead done his best to multitask and balance work and fatherhood in the same breath, something his wife seemed able to do far better than he. He sat at his desk, looking at a ledger, watching Charlotte from out of the corner of his eye.
"Daddy?" Charlotte began, clinging to the side of her father's desk, allowing her chin to rest on the edge.
All he could see out of the corner of his eye was her big white bow clipped on the side of her red auburn hair and her tiny barely freckled nose gazing in his direction.
"Hmmm?" He asked, more focused on what he was looking at than his daughter's question.
"Thank you for all the food! And for pwetty dolly!" She cried, holding up Lucy.
"What are you talking about?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
Charlotte gave an exasperated sigh. "Cause some…"
"Because." He corrected sternly.
"Because some children don't have food...or dollies to pway with."
"Oh?" He asked, pretending he didn't know this. He knew exactly where it was coming from too and was not in the least pleased, but didn't let Charlotte know that.
"Or daddies to feed them." She looked up innocently, wanting confirmation that this was true.
"And who told you that?" He asked kindly, lifting her onto his lap. She sighed, hugging him in gratitude.
"Mummy."
"Mummy is quite right, sadly."
"Daddy how come?"
"It's nothing to worry yourself over my girl." He whispered, hugging her tight. But Charlotte knew there was more to it than what her mother had said and somehow; the little girl felt something was not being said.
"Daddy…" She hesitated.
"Yes my Charlotte." He asked, having turned back to his paperwork again, even though he still held her in his arms.
"Daddy. Do some kids really have mummies and daddies that aren't here anymore." She was nervously playing with the buttons on his jacket now.
Her heart pounded vigorously in her tiny chest and she didn't understand why. Carson felt it against his own chest. He placed his hand on her back and pat it slowly, trying to soothe her, his breath caught in her throat at her words. It alarmed him greatly that Elsie would've spoken to her about this: as if she were preparing her for something.
"Yes my beautiful little girl it's true." He kissed her cheek. "But daddy loves you, and there's no need to worry about that now." He reassured as his child hugged him tight.
…
At the same time…in Mrs. Carson's sitting room
"Charlie Carson. Can you tell Mummy what happened to her keys?" Elsie asked, doing her best to bend down to the little boy's level.
She'd been annoyed by the chatelaines and put them down on her desk a while ago. Ever since she'd started to get bigger they'd been bouncing up and hitting her belly as she walked making an awful noise. And when the baby kicked, they did the same, coming back and hitting her hard. For this reason, she'd elected to stop wearing them until after the baby was born.
Charlie shook his head no, trying his best to be very sincere.
"Mummy thinks you do." She accused gently.
"Nooo." He promised.
"No!" She tried to act surprised.
"Uh-huh." He said, half nodding.
"Very well m'lad." She eyed him carefully as she sat down in her chair.
Charlotte was spending the afternoon with her father but Charlie followed at his busy mother's heals as she went about her work. The little boy wanted her attention and spent hours trying to get it, walking behind her and taking eagerly as she waddled along, directing the maids. He noticed her attention went in every which way: toward the house, the maids and the baby she carried inside… but not to him. This was why he had taken the keys from her desk and hidden them. He knew she could not ignore them for long.
Charlie came and pressed his face up against her growing stomach. Elsie sighed, running her fingers through his hair, the affection almost painful for her. The twins were so attached to her and she to them; she didn't want to think about what would happen if she really was sick.
"My Mummy." He complained, poking her stomach. She watched him, thinking there was a bit of envy in his tone, as if he were accusing the baby of something.
"Yes my Charlie, I am your mummy lad, can you remember something for mummy?" She asked and he nodded. "No matter what happens I'll always be your mummy Charlie and I'll always, always love you so much more than you can understand. Please don't forget that m'lad ever."
"You didn't forget me?"
"What?"
"You spent the day with Charlotte and you're always with him." He pouted, pointing to her stomach.
"No, no my wee lad! Mummy could never forget her Charlie. He's so big and brave and important. And he loves him! Oh does she love him so much!" Elsie burst, biting her lip, feeling like she would cry when she said this.
He smiled up brightly when she promised this and blew her a kiss. Elsie giggled, leaning down as best she could to grab him and pull him closer to her. He started to laugh when he felt her start tickling him but was soon distracted, noticing an instant change when he touched his mother's midsection: something kicked him.
"Baby bwother?" He poked her belly with one finger.
"He could be. You could get another sister. But for now can you say hi baby?"
Charlie said nothing and just waived.
"No, no Charlie. He can't see you yet but he can hear you, can you say hello?"
"Hi, baby you want to play with some keys?" He asked.
"Charlie where are they?"
"Uh-oh."
"Daisy! What are these bloody chatelaines doing in the cake batter!"
Charlie jumped but Elsie started to laugh. "Oh Charlie you are my funny little boy. Come on, let's go get Daisy out of trouble."
…
Three Hours Later
"What are you doing?" The butler asked, arching his enormous left eyebrow just so as he walked downstairs.
Elsie was putting a basket together and he wondered what it was for. He was nervous and planned on confronting her tonight: about Ethel, the lump and some strange things the children had said that day. It was late, raining outside again and the twins were tucked away asleep in their room. Mrs. Carson swallowed nervously not wanting to explain herself. He gave a disappointed sigh, staring back at her plainly.
"I'm disappointed is all Elsie."
"You're disappointed in me?" She laughed. "For feeding a poor starving babe?"
"For bringing my daughter around that woman." He said.
"I…."
"I'm saying no. As a husband, I can only ask you to respect my wishes but as a father, I can say no and I'm saying NO, no more. No more of that woman around my beautiful, impressionable, innocent little child."
"Oh Charlie please don't be so cruel I don't want you to have to learn the hard way." She whispered. He did not realize he was referring to the difficulties of being a single parent.
"What do you mean?" He asked, raising his eyebrow higher. "And furthermore… I wish you'd open up to me, because I know something is wrong." He said, his demeanor changing suddenly, his eyes growing sad. He looked back at her practically pleading for her to open up to him.
Elsie said nothing and slowly began to unbutton her dress, his eyes widening in confusion as she did so. She'd forgone her corset, or any form of undergarment after the biopsy because her breasts hurt so badly, both of them now…and the baby was much too big to be stuffed inside a corset now anyway.
"Elsie what…."
She said nothing and removed the top of her dress completely, baring her scarred, bloodied, bare breast to him.
"Elsie!" He burst, beginning to cry. "What happened to you!"
"Charlie." She said, tears in her eyes now too. "It was such a happy time. I didn't want to tell you, we're having a baby and it's supposed to be a happy time… I might be dying Charlie!" She started sobbing, reaching up to cover her mouth.
"Oh!" He cried out, sheer pain piercing his heart as he took her in his arms. "Oh my Elsie, my precious Mrs. Carson." He cried as he held her. Charlie thought his heart had stopped beating, his stomach in his throat as he tried desperately too soothe his panicked wife.
She clung to him as they both sobbed. "I love you so much my love, we will get through this together." He told her, kissing her head. "I promise you. I promise you my love."
"Charlie don't make me promises you can't keep, but do assure me of one thing: love the children I've born you, don't become bitter, give them a happy home, the one we've made together and tell them how much their mother loves them." She sobbed.
"No my love." He soothed. "That will be your job one day."