Ch 29- She Stole My Heart Away

Early May 1919

"May I hold you and our babe as we fall asleep Mrs. Carson?" He asked as she climbed into bed.

Several weeks had passed and the time of Elsie's news on her illness was quickly drawing near: just days away. The two were nervous and were made more so by the coming events and the rapid change going on all around them and inside Elsie. The baby had grown tremendously in the past few weeks, making everything harder on his mother and more worrisome for his father. Carson didn't know how she would avoid having the child early… too early, he was afraid.

Within the next three weeks the house would also hold its annual cricket match (house verses village), the annual servant's ball, and then finally the family would depart for the social season in London…. and then there was Elsie's doctor's appointment.

Cora had tried to get Elsie to rest and instead allow her and Anna to share the duties of arranging all of the social events, but Mrs. Carson had insisted on going on: partially to take her mind off the fear of what was to come.

"I should like that very much Mr. Carson." She smiled, easing into his embrace. He held her close kissing her forehead as she sighed.

"I love you so much Mrs. Carson." He whispered as they closed their eyes. "I know you're afraid and so am I, but promise that somehow everything will be alright."

Elsie tilted her head to kiss him. "I love you too Mr. Carson whatever happens. Please never forget that, my love."

"You've shown me everyday. I could never forget."

Soothed, Elsie fell asleep in his strong embrace. But Carson lay awake, feeling his unborn child move, almost seeming to squirm inside his mother. He had enough experience with this now to note that the baby was getting stronger but also more cramped in the confined space it currently called home: this troubled him, after all there were still two and a half months left to go.

Eventually he fell fast asleep soothed by the gentle sound of the spring rain beginning to pour. Elsie turned around and sighed within his grasp, facing away from him just before Charlotte came in. The tiny girl stood at the edge of her parent's bed, listening to the soothing sound of her father's snoring. It was the middle of the night and nearly pitch black inside the cottage but she could make out her father's large frame holding her mother's much smaller one tight as they slept. He encircled her in his arms, holding her close from behind. Charlotte noted the large bump on her mother's middle that housed her impending baby sibling seemed bigger than it had even just a few hours before. She had come because she was scared, but didn't feel she had the heart to wake them now. They slept so peacefully and she wondered if the baby her mother carried was dreaming too.

Charlotte couldn't sleep and felt afraid. She had a premonition, as if something bad or unexpected were about to happen. The little girl climbed into her parent's bed and into her mother's arms. Even thought she was asleep, Elsie accepted her readily, cuddling her gently as if the gesture were perfectly natural even in sleep.

"Ni-ni mummy." Charlotte whispered. "I know something's wrong and I wove you always." She kissed her mother's nose before settling in and trying to go to sleep.

….

The Next Night- Downton Abbey

"Elsie!" Carson called, panicking when he saw smoke coming from her sitting room.

It was late and everyone else had gone to bed save the two of them. He grabbed a bucket of water and darted for her room coughing as he made his way through the smoke. He was startled, in the oddest of ways to find her sitting there laughing at him, a strange contraption on the table before her.

"What in heaven's is that?!" He pointed.

She giggled. "I was craving toast and I had a little money saved. I don't quite know how it works yet but if its any good we should get one for the kitchen here."

"You're b-bringing that into the house? With the children?"

"Your littlest lad likes the burnt pieces, I'm finding, so yes. I am." She said, biting into the last piece she'd made.

He sighed, both annoyed and relieved at once. "How can you be so… calm, Elsie?"

She stopped looking up at her husband's frightened eyes as he sat down across from her.

"It's because I don't know what else to do." She confessed.

"Is that why you left the twins to spend the night in the nursery?" He asked.

She shook her head. "It's a reason…mostly its because I'm too tired to care for them right now. They were already sleepy when I went up and I need the time to myself… Charlie we have a lot to discuss."

"I- I rather think we do."

They'd left so much unsaid since she'd revealed her possible diagnosis to him and now that it loomed large, the need to have a few difficult conversations was more pressing than ever before.

"First, this has nothing to do with the illness…. Well, not everything." She sighed. "As you can see. I'm getting bigger."

Carson couldn't believe how big she was getting. He'd been worried about it, wondering what could possibly be wrong to make her grow so fast, that was until his own twin children had caught his eye. In that moment, he wasn't sure why he hadn't thought of it before because it made all the sense in the world. The mere thought scared him senseless, especially given the possibility of his impending single fatherhood. He'd yet to bring it up to her and didn't know how he could but he was adamant that his wife must be expecting twins…. again.

Elsie took a deep breath, her hand on her stomach. She wasn't sure how she would tell him this, knowing it would upset him.

"I can't care for the twins much longer Charlie, not in my condition. I want them to go to London with the family and nanny for the summer season."

"What!" He was aghast. "Perhaps we could impose on Mrs. Patmore to…"

Elsie shook her head no. Carson was astounded: he'd never imagined her being willing to send the children away. She'd had issues discussing Charlie going away to school when he was older and couldn't comprehend how she'd be able to part with her toddlers for the summer.

"Cora said it would be alright, as did Anna, she's their godmother too, remember?"

"But surely Beryl and I can…"

"I'll miss my wee babies so much Mr. Carson, but I'm thinking realistically. There's going to be a lot of change around here and it will be easier on them with nanny. Where will we put them when I have the baby? Do you want them in the house, hearing me screaming out of my mind? I surely don't."

"T-that is a point." He cringed, not looking forward to hearing her scream as he had before. Charlie bristled at the thought, realizing that this time he'd be all alone with out Lord Grantham's shoulder to lean on.

"And worse, if I am ill and having a baby Charlie…there is no other way."

He sighed. "I suppose you're right."

"I'm sorry it's like this." She apologized.

"It's not your fault." He tried to reassure.

"Things are so scattered and uncertain we haven't even talked about any names yet." She reflected, sniffling as she stroked her stomach.

"My love, it will be alright, we'll just have to think of some names." He said quietly, placing one hand on her belly and taking the other in his own. "Elsie I… I promise you, I promise you if something is wrong I will raise them well. I'll never get over loosing you, it will haunt me forever… but I promise that I will, somehow be the loving daddy they've always known, and that this little one deserves to know. I will raise them to be happy, to be everything they can be and to know their mother loves them very much."

By this time she was crying. He held her face in his hands and leaned over kissing her forehead.

"My Elsie… may I go to the doctor with you tomorrow?"

"No." She swallowed nervously, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Why ever not?"

"Because I can't bear to see the look on your face if he tells me I'm dying."

…

The Next Day

You would never know it, but the littlest Carson blinked and shifted uncomfortably within the confines of its mother, disliking her intense, quickly shifting emotions. The baby knew next to nothing but could still feel something was not right and knew that its mother was very upset. Early experience with traumatic situations in the womb would make the child especially sensitive and loving toward people in pain later on.

Elsie's heart pounded erratically, causing the baby to kick back hard with both feet, eagerly soliciting a response from its overburdened mother. Elsie laid her hand on her side but didn't otherwise respond to the baby's inquiry.

"It's alright." Beryl whispered, wrapping her arm around Elsie. "Dr. Clarkson's not even here yet."

Elsie, who'd been calm the night before, found herself in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack. It was the moment of truth and all of their fears about her illness and their future (or lack of one) were crashing down on her. Carson waited anxiously at home, wanting, in the worst way for the day to just end, whatever would come.

"I don't want to die." She cried quietly. Her hand remained affixed to her side, the baby's kicking making the whole ordeal worse for her, serving as a reminder that this child might never know her.

….

"Carson, are you alright?" Mary asked, knocking on his Pantry door, causing him to jump.

"Oh yes-yes m'lady is there anything I can do for you?"

Mary stared back sadly. She'd found him at his desk, his head in his hands. She thought she was praying and had never seen him so worried or full of fear and the idea of it shook her to the core.

"We'll take care of you you know, all of you." She told him. "You, the twins… the baby."

"For that I'm grateful, m'lady."

Mary pulled up a chair and sat on the other side of his desk, taking his hand.

"I am here for you." She said and he looked up in surprise.

Mary had been like a daughter to Carson long before he had one of his own and although life had changed drastically for them both, he still held a soft spot in his heart for her. He wanted the twins there with him, but he couldn't emotionally handle caring for them in the moment and supposed Elsie had been right in deciding to send them to London, given all that could happen in the next few months. Moreover, he didn't want them to know how worried he was.

"Thank you, m'lady it means the world to me."

"How are you feeling?"

"Afraid. And afraid I can't be a father alone, m'lady may I speak out of turn?"

"It's your office." She blinked.

Carson paused, wondering if he could really say something so personal to Lady Mary. He gulped and continued on, realizing no one would understand his words or forgive him for them like she would. "Mrs. Carson and I have wanted children since you were a child." He began and she nodded, remembering being told the whole story when the twins were first expected.

"And I…" He swallowed nervously, wondering how he could utter such a phrase. "I'm a little upset about the little one. I-I want him or her but Mrs. Carson has gone through so much in having this child and I feel…. Guilty and a bit too old now especially if I'm going to have to be a father of three on my own."

Carson choked on his words, barely believing he'd uttered something so personal to her. She smiled kindly in a way that seemed highly uncharacteristic of her.

"Oh Carson. Don't worry. One thing I always knew about you is that you would make a wonderful father. I don't think the twins have any complaints."

He managed to smile a little at this. "Thank you for that."

"Can I get you anything Carson?"

He looked up in disbelief at the suggestion that she might serve him. "Pray for a miracle."

….

"Hello Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Patmore." Dr. Clarkson came in at once.

"H-hello." Beryl greeted.

Elsie said nothing, clinging to her friend's hand tightly as he sat down and opened her file. She began to shake, realizing she wasn't ready for this and that she wished Charlie were there with her. Not having him come had been a horrendous mistake.

"Well." Clarkson sighed. Mrs. Patmore's heart slowed, noting he seemed disappointed. "It t took a while as there was excess blood in the sample that made it a bit inconclusive at first…."

Elsie gulped, her stomach and brain seeming to flip a full three sixty and back again as he spoke, dancing around the subject. Soon she found she was not listening to a word he said at all and her mind wandered toward the abyss of death and the inevitability of loosing everything, and of her husband and children loosing everything. Beryl squeezed her hand.

"So in short, I'm happy to say, Mrs. Carson you do not have cancer."

"There you see!" Beryl gasped, cheering suddenly. "Elsie, you're all right!"

"W-I am!" Elsie burst, her heart jumping. She'd never been so relieved in the whole of her life.

"Yes. Quite fine Mrs. Carson, it's a benign cyst nothing harmful, although I think I might still like to have it out at some point. There is just one thing…"

"What?" She asked turning away from Beryl the two were practically giddy with excitement that she was going to live.

"Well, two things actually. The pain in your other breast is the baby's fault."

"Hum?" The two women asked at once, exchanging glances.

"You have a pain in your other…" Beryl stopped, Elsie hadn't told her both of them hurt. "How's it his fault?"

He sighed he never knew exactly how to say sensitive things to women. "It hurts because you're swollen, and as the summer progresses, it will get worse which brings me to my second point. The child should be alright, but like with her siblings, I think you should be prepared to deliver far earlier than we thought."

…

Carson didn't know what to do with himself after Mary left. He still couldn't manage to take charge of his twins and instead, turned to polishing the silver. He'd met for it to be a mindless task that took his mind away from the worry at hand, but instead allowed it to wander to a place that focused only on Elsie: on their first days together, her smile, the curve of her perfectly round belly, her love of him and so many other things that made him ache and long to hold her forever.

'Soon.' He thought. 'She might not be yours any longer… you promised you can handle it but… how if you can not handle the thought of it?"

It was growing late and he was becoming increasingly worried. Surely someone would've called him had she been taken to the hospital? Suddenly he saw Elsie and Beryl come through the back door. He couldn't move and almost dropped the platter he was polishing. Carson watched carefully as she removed her coat and Beryl returned to the kitchen unable to read the expression on either woman's face. His heart began to thud as she approached him, fluffing her hair slightly as she made her way into his pantry.

"Charlie." She whispered.

He looked up, his breath caught in his throat, scared because she was whispering. "Y-you're home."

She bit her lip, unable to keep her lips from spreading into a smile. "Charlie I'm alright!" She burst.

"Wha-this is excellent news oh my Elsie!" He burst; dropping what he was doing and taking her into his arms. He swirled her around, holding her as he leaned her back and kissed her lips deeply. "My Elsie! My Elsie you're…"

"I'm fine Charlie. We're going to raise our family together after all!"

"Oh thank heaven and thank heaven for my Mrs. Carson!" He cried, laughing as tears poured down both their cheeks again. Beryl looked on from the other room, smiling deeply too.

Carson was so happy he wrapped his arms around her and began to dance.

"Charlie…"

"Well we do have a servant's ball to prepare for." He laughed. "Dashing away with the smoothing iron she stole my heart away!"

"Oh Charlie!" She gushed at his kind words.

"I love you Mrs. Carson." He said, kissing her deeply. "You would've stolen my heart away every day of the rest of my life no matter what. But I'm so thankful you'll be here to keep doing it!"

She kissed him again as the two of them continued to cry.

…

Three Days Later

"There are my handsome boys all dressed and ready to play." Elsie said.

Everyone was on the lawn, ready to start the annual cricket game. Charlie was excited because it was his first year dressing up like his daddy and all of the other men. Charlotte stood on the sidelines, helping her mother and watching him and Ben carefully as they followed their dads around with junior sized bats, pretending they were the real thing. Elsie thought it was the most adorable thing in the world.

"Daddy I want to play!" Charlie cried.

"Not quite this year m'lad but you're learning and getting closer."

Elsie sighed, putting her hand on her side. "This one very much wants to play a cricket game with his Daddy and his big brother."

"You don't know it's a boy." Carson told her.

Elsie laughed. "Oh yes I do. He's a boy."

Mrs. Carson walked up to her husband and kissed his cheek. He smiled down at her sweetly and he placed his palm on the side of her belly.

"I love you Mrs. Carson, you still steal my heart away." He whispered, smiling deeply. "And Samuel does too."

"Whose Samuel?" She asked, blinking back at him.

Carson laughed, leaning down to kiss her nose. "That's the baby's name."