Ch 34- Samuel

* For those of you asking, Carson and Elsie are in this universe, 10-12 years younger than they are in cannon, making Elsie in her mid- late 40's, Carson almost mid 50's, so yes still a bit old for this, but then again that's the point ;)

November 1919

"Waaaaaa-aaaaaaahhh-waaaah-aaaaaaahhh-waaah-aaaaaah!"

"Hmmm." Elsie stirred, trying to move from under her husband's arms when she heard the baby cry. He held her tight as he snored, unfazed by their son's crying as she struggled to break free.

"I'm coming lad, mummy's coming! Mummy's coming!"

"Waaaaa-aaaaaaaaahhhh-aaaaah!" He sobbed.

"Shuuuu, shuuu, shhhhuuuu." Elsie shushed desperately, as she lifted Sam from his cot and placed him on her shoulder, amazed his sobs hadn't woken the twins. "Shu that's enough of that my littlest lad." She yawned, hugging him tight as she took him downstairs.

The baby yawned as his mother lay him on the sofa, calming now that she was there to tend to his needs. It was a nightly routine with mother and son.

"Mummy's tired too m'lad." She said. "But she knows exactly what you need and we'll get straight to it." She kissed the baby's forehead before beginning to change his nappy.

Elsie was half asleep and didn't know what time it really was, only that she wished her baby would start sleeping through the night. But he hated to be wet. It always woke him and of course, he always got a little hungry afterward. Sam gurgled, chewing on his fingers as his mother changed him. It was cold out and the fire had died down hours before, leaving little warmth in the lower part of the house. She took the baby's chubby bare feet in her hands and squeezed them softly.

"That won't do." She said noting they were freezing cold. "Mummy has just the thing." She said, kissing his bitty toes.

Elsie had to tend to him in the living room at night to not wake up his father and siblings, so she kept the nappies and other baby items in a tiny wicker basket under the couch. She reached down and pulled out a pair of baby socks she'd been working on.

"There my lad." She smiled, putting on the blue and white striped socks. The three-month-old cooed comforted instantly by their warmth. "Nice new sockies for mummy's littlest one." He giggled loudly, closing his tiny eyes when his mother rubbed her nose against his.

Samuel relished his mother's affection and squealed when he felt her kiss his nose. Elsie sighed, a single tear slipping down her cheek and his tiny face. It had been a year, one year to the day since the brutal miscarriage that had taken the lives of her second set of twins. The idea of that was surreal for her. She didn't know how it could have been a year since the end of the war, and since she'd nearly lost her husband and first set of twins to that horrible flu. She smiled, still crying as Sam giggled happily in her face, staring up at her with sleepy eyes. She loved her little boy so much, but couldn't help feel sad for her second set of twins: babies she'd never know, but she'd love with all her heart for the rest of her days. Samuel shut his eyes tight as he yawned, the action overtaking his little body. Elsie smiled, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose, causing him to giggle in her face again.

"My boy, my sweet little baby." She whispered, running her hand over his head.

She lifted him into her arms and started to nurse before he could yawn again, knowing this would put him into a peaceful sleep that would last the rest of the night. Elsie started to hum, rocking him as he suckled and drifted off, and thinking of how blessed she was to have him there in her arms. Unknowingly, conceiving Sam probably not long enough after the miscarriage had been a saving grace for her.

"Mummy would think she'd feel so empty without you."

….

No one knew it yet. But a lot of people would feel empty without Samuel Carson, his big sister included.

"Do you see that Sam?" She asked, holding him in her arms as she looked outside.

Charlotte sat on the floor, rocking her baby brother who gazed up and out the window, perplexed by white fluffy stuff falling out of the sky.

"It's snowing!" Charlie cried, running down the stairs.

"Charles Hughes Carson, calm down!" Elsie cried, holding out her arms for her older son.

"But mummy it's snowing. It's baby's first snow. When was our first snow?"

Elsie giggled, putting Charlie on her hip and kissing his cheek. "When you were born m'lad. It snowed the whole night and the whole next few days."

"Is that why we were born at the abbey and Sam was born here?"

"Yes. Your daddy carried me upstairs when the time came." She smiled at the memory. It'd been a frightening night, but the most wonderful of her life. The twin's eyes grew wide.

"Daddy carried you when you were that fat?" Charlie asked.

Elsie sighed looked back at her son disapprovingly and at once he knew he'd overstepped.

"Sowwy mama." He kissed her cheek.

"It's alright m'lad mummy was very, very fat."

She smiled sadly, putting him on his feet. Once out of her arms he scrambled to the window and pressed his little face harshly against it.

"Mummy when is daddy coming home?" Charlie asked.

"Not till long after you've gone to sleep I'm afraid." Elsie laughed.

"Awe!" The twins sighed.

"There's a big party tonight." Elsie explained, taking the baby from her daughter.

"Is it because it's Lady Cora's Thanksgiving?" Charlie asked.

"Yes. Yes it is. And we will celebrate tomorrow. Now m'lad and m'lass, shut the curtains and join me in your da's chair for a story."

Elsie settled in with the baby and the twins scrambled into the chair at her sides. She pulled a blanket up around them and Sam sighed, beginning to suck on it as his mother started to read.

…..

Carson walked home in a literal shower of snow. He held his lantern high, using it to guide his path in the black, stormy night. It was frigidly cold and he was glad his wife had decided to take the children home hours before it'd started to snow. The horrible storm reflected the way he felt inside on that melancholy Thanksgiving night. He wasn't sure what he was more burdened about: the likely demise of a place he'd called home since his boyhood, or the fate of his own family.

He and Charlotte had kept the news of Lord Grantham's financial loss to themselves. She'd not told Ben and Charlie and he'd not told his own wife. He felt a little guilty but didn't want her to worry, or worse to know that he was very worried about where they would go, or what they would do if Downton fell. He'd overheard more unsettling news while Lord Grantham was in the library with his attorney earlier in the day and felt the hope he'd told his daughter of, hope of Downton being saved, was likely shattered.

'I've five dependents.' He thought, the idea almost shocking him.

There was his wife, who could and did work for her own wage, although he felt he did still support her when it came right down to it. Then the twins and Samuel who costed more than he could've ever imagined. And finally, Becky, who costed more than six children, would. The idea of having to provide for his mentally underdeveloped sister-in-law without their shared income shook Carson to the core. They would never do it. There would never be another place where he and Elsie could both be employed, where the children would be cared for, where they would… fit so well. He didn't want to call it anything more personal than that. He didn't want to tell himself that it was family or even friendship, but it resonated deep within his soul, in a place he couldn't access, that that's exactly what Downton was to him. At the heart of it all, it was family.

Carson was never so relieved to get back to his cottage. He longed to kiss his wife and hold his children in his arms. Almost more than that, he was freezing, exhausted and starving after spending a day on his feet and wanted a warm dinner made by the hands of his loving wife. Carson was so cold when he finally closed the door. He shivered, spending a minute shaking the snow out of his hair. It wasn't until he removed his scarf that he noticed the house was almost totally dark and very quiet. Carson panicked for a moment before he noticed his family in his grand chair by the fire. He smiled bittersweetly, his heart melting as the sound of Elsie's gentle voice floated to his ears. She sung quietly, almost whispering a lullaby to their children as she rocked them. Charlie and Charlotte were fast asleep, but Sam sat wide-awake, reclining against his mother's abdomen and sucking on the blanket.

"Shu, they're almost asleep Mr. Carson." She whispered.

Carson laughed, taking off his coat and tossing it onto the couch. He went and sat on the ottoman and took her feet in hand, beginning to rub them.

"Charlie that should be me rubbing your…"

"No my love. That's my job for now." He said, leaning over and brushing her lips with a kiss.

Carson was exhausted but overwhelmed with guilt. Somehow Lord Grantham's failure was his own. He worried now that if they were put out, his Elsie would have to work herself to the bone when all he wanted was to care for her.

"Happy Thanksgiving." She said.

Carson had barely grown used to celebrating the American holiday when all of this happened, and didn't feel that he could give thanks without a tremendous amount of hesitancy and even more uncertainty about what the coming year would bring.

"Happy Thanksgiving my Elsie."

…

"What exactly do I have to be thankful for?" Robert crossed his arms.

It was late and the two were in bed. He was sulking, she was reading.

"Hush your mouth! You have everything to be grateful for." Cora gasped.

"Cora."

"Robert we will find away!" She said, closing her book and kissing his cheek.

Robert stared at his wife as she turned off the light and settled into bed.

"Benjamin must marry for money." He said.

"Robert! How has that worked for Mary? Or most of all Sybil?" She laughed, unsettled by her husband's demand. She knew it would have to be, but that it couldn't be; it wouldn't be.

"Well it worked for me." He laughed.

"I'm flattered." She joked turning to face him, a broad smile on her face. "See. I told her you have something to be thankful for."

"And thankful I am." He laughed, bringing her in close to him and beginning to kiss her.

…

February 1920

"Daddy why can't we see him?" Charlie whined. Charlie Carson Jr. couldn't say how much he looked forward to seeing Tom Branson. The man who, as his father said, had absconded with Lady Sybil. Charlie didn't know what it meant to abscond with someone but wondered if that was something only married people did.

"Hmmm." His father said.

The twins followed him throughout the halls, begging to be allowed to go up. Lady Sybil and her husband were visiting for several weeks. It was an uncomfortable situation made more uncomfortable by the fact that Carson refused to let any of his own three children around the couple who they'd once adored, citing his disapproval of Branson being a servant and that he thought he'd bring ruin on the family.

The twins were confused by all of this. Charlie had looked to Branson much in the same way Benjamin once had. It was like having his very own big brother. Charlotte felt similarly about Sybil who'd been very affectionate toward her when she was tiny. Moreover, the pair shared a curious question.

"Daddy?" Charlotte asked.

"Yes."

The twins paused, exchanging glances. It was a trait for identicals, but sometimes the two could almost seem to read each other's minds and from the time they were tiny, they'd been able to finish each other's sentences.

"Daddy are we bad?" Charlie squinted.

Carson froze and turned around to look down at his small son.

"What would ever make you say that?" He asked, concerned, getting on his knees. The idea that his children thought ill of themselves made his heart hurt.

"Well…" Charlotte took a deep breath.

"Dada if Branson is bad and he downstairs and we downstairs doesn't that make us all bad too?"

Charlotte sighed when her brother said this, looking down at her feet. She was hurt; disappointed in a way she couldn't explain. Meanwhile Carson didn't know how to explain. He didn't want to tell his children they weren't good enough but that was almost it. He sighed deeply, giving the twins the feeling that he was a little annoyed. Charlie didn't know why but he reached behind his sister and took her hand in his own.

"It's that he's a rebel." He said, sensing already that the five year olds did not understand. "He's… he's a socialist."

"So he likes people, so what?" Charlie asked.

"And it's our birfday daddy we wanna see Lady Sybil." Charlotte hiccupped.

…

Meanwhile, Sybil was the best birthday gift young Benjamin could've ever hoped to receive. It'd been too long since he'd seen her and was enthralled by her. Robert was a little skeptical about allowing his young son to spend so much time with Branson, but Cora couldn't help but notice the similarities between her two youngest children, there were so many of them. The only big difference was that Benjamin was thus far a bit too creative to ever be as politically minded as his sister. Violet Crawley thanked heaven for that.

"My, my, my, sweetheart of a little brother how have you grown."

Benjamin had that all-consuming feeling, as he looked up at his big sister dreamily. He rested in the pit of his stomach, not like a punch or a knot, but like an animal eating him alive from the inside. Benjamin Crawley didn't know it yet, but he'd been gifted with intuition. 'She won't be around forever.' Something told him. The five-year-old swallowed hard, dismissing the distant thought that barely rose to his consciousness, realizing he didn't think that about Grandmamma Violet, who in Ben's mind was centuries old.

"I've five now I'm old." Ben announced. Everyone laughed and his father pulled him onto his knee.

"No my boy."

"You're a baby." Cora laughed, kissing his cheek.

"Just wait until you're your father's age." Violet said.

…

"It's your birthday, I think its time to cheer up." Beryl laughed.

The twins were sick of the snow, sick of being stuck downstairs and sick of being apart from Benjamin too. Worse, they felt somehow judged by their father in a way they didn't understand. How could they be such a part of upstairs life and then get told they were bad and had to stay downstairs because Mr. Branson had somehow broke some rule. Did that mean they had too?"

"Your daddy's a bit of a curmudgeon." Elsie informed, bouncing Sam on her hip.

The twins envied their baby brother. At just six-months, Samuel Carson did not yet know that he was for some reason bad and destined to stay downstairs.

"He just doesn't approve of changing times." Their mother soothed, her words a ray of hope for her oldest two children.

"Now how about we make some cookies?" Beryl asked.

"But Auntie they're for Valentines."

"And it's our birthday still." Charlie had the hiccups now.

"Well there are two reasons for that." Elsie began, watching her chubby infant son lean down to try to get the keys off of her hip.

"First off." Beryl began. "Daisy and Ivy need some cookies to soften their valentines blues."

"Because they like Alfred, yuck." Charlie spat. Charlotte wasn't sure; she thought she could understand having a crush.

"And because you're mummy's little valentines." Elsie giggled, kissing the twins on the back of their heads.

She was almost crying she couldn't believe it'd been five years, to the day since she had the twins. Her sweet, precious, perfect babies… but they weren't babies anymore. This year they would start school, life away from Downton that she'd always planned for them and for that she was ecstatic.

Samuel watched eagerly as his siblings cooked with Mrs. Patmore. Elsie hummed, rocking him in her arms, bouncing him up and down as he slobbered on his own hand. She couldn't believe he was so big either, but glad he was still a little baby. He was still entirely breastfed, but she and Charlie were going to try and give him his first food that night. They weren't sure he was ready for it; and in an odd way, she was not looking forward to it. Elsie knew her son would be a messy eater.

The twins were excited when the cookies came out of the oven and were finally ready for them to decorate with pink and red icing. Still on his mother's hip, he watched with keen interest as she went over to the table and began to help his sister. He wondered what she was doing but was also overwhelmed by the aroma of the cookies. Without his mother noticing, he leaned down and grabbed one, examining it in his hand for a split second before he shoved it into his tiny mouth, swallowing it with gusto.

"Samuel!" Elsie panicked, almost screaming. "Oh my God!"

The twins sat perfectly still, their mouths hanging open in shock, but Beryl began to laugh.

"Why he's a tank of a little lad if I ever saw one."

"Sam, Sam sweetheart, can you open your mouth for mummy?"

Sam didn't understand, but stuck out his tongue a little before shoving his fingers inside of his mouth and beginning to gnaw on them.

"See, I told you there's nothing to worry about!" Beryl cried, her laughter startling the baby's already shocked mother further. "He's ready for those strained potatoes you had me make."

"Mummy." Charlie began. "Now we know why you were so fat, he was probably sneaking cookies then too!"

…

A few hours later the twins were up with nanny and Elsie was about to nurse Sam in the sitting room.

"I don't know about going." Elsie sighed.

Her husband stood over her shoulder, watching as she changed the baby. He'd been pressing her lately about going to Scotland and she hadn't the faintest idea why. A lot had changed in the past month and a half. Lady Mary and Matthew Crawley had finally gotten engaged and there was a society wedding to plan. They hardly had time to go on holiday. Elsie had no idea that the abbey was on its last legs financially, and her husband was worried about their future. He wanted to explore Scotland as a place they might retreat to should they get sacked. Sam fussed as his mother laid him on her desk. The tiny boy shoved his rattle in his mouth and began to chew, watching his parents as they talked and his mother started to change him.

"Elsie, we haven't been anywhere since before the twins were born." He made an excuse. "They're five now. I think it would be good for them and for our baby Samuel."

"He'll never remember it. Did you grab a clean nappy?"

"Oh. Yes. He's a happy little chap." Carson laughed, tickling his son's cheek.

Sam laughed so hard he started wetting himself again and then laughed harder because he found that funny.

"Oh!" Elise was surprised and quickly covered her son as she and her husband started to laugh too. "He's such a funny boy." Elsie soothed, tickling his ribs, causing the baby boy to laugh even harder.

"He's a very smart boy too." Carson kissed the dome of his son's head. Sam cooed and began chewing on his rattle again, soothed by his parent's affection and the fact that he thought all of this was terribly funny.

"Look at the little lad who stole his mummy's heart away." Elsie remarked. Sam squinted and yawned so big it almost totally overpowered him.

"Anymore ideas about the trip?" Carson asked.

"I'm unsure." She sighed. "He's so little I'm unsure I want to travel with him just yet. He's six months. Oh Charlie, how can he be six months?"

"Well he isn't small Mrs. Hughes." He laughed.

"No." She sighed. "But you know what I mean. He's little and a handful. I don't want to travel with someone under a year old Mr. Carson." She laughed, wondering why he would. "I brought him down here to nurse before his nap. Isn't daddy silly for asking us about Scotland again Samuel when mummy already said no."

Carson paused, not really knowing what to say. This wasn't about Scotland. It was about ensuring their family a future, ensuring that he could provide for them. He couldn't say how much he wished he could tell her the truth about what was going on. It was a burden he needed to share, but he felt that he needed to be in harmony with Lord Grantham on this one… he hadn't told Cora yet either, or Mary and Matthew. But more than anything Carson didn't want to destroy Elsie's time of new motherhood with Samuel for anything. She was so happy and he'd waited years to see her like that: happy with the children she'd wanted so much.

Still, Carson thought what an odd burden it was to share this knowledge with his young daughter and no one else. It wasn't her place to know, but Charlotte was inquisitive, and caring and somehow seemed to possess a connection to Downton even he did not. He hated lying to his wife, but somehow it seemed even more wrong lying to his daughter like this, about the outcome for Downton and their own prospects too. It'd crossed Carson's mind that her being only four years old (nearly five) made her inexperienced with the world but didn't make her an idiot.

Sooner or later, he knew that both his wife and daughter would figure out he was fooling them. He was just happy Charlie didn't know, because he would've accidently spoken of it, at the wrong time.

"Charlie what's wrong?" Elsie asked, her eyes on the baby's face.

"Oh." He still didn't know what to say.

His thoughts drifted to the second thing on his mind; the thing he didn't feel he could confess to her. If things were different, if they were younger, if there were no Becky, if Downton weren't lost, he'd say it.

"Charlie you have to confess something to me today." She laughed.

He knew Elsie knew something. 'But I can't tell her the truth. Not… not yet. Not until I know we're done for, for sure.' He thought. 'But only the ridiculous thing not the news… not until I figure out what to do.'

"When do you suppose he might stop nursing?" He changed the subject.

"I was going to let him wean himself like I did with his big brother and sister, so not for a long while yet. And he is Mr. Carson's son." Elsie cautioned very seriously, as she sat down with the baby. "He may be a bit attached and like his brother he's an eater, but unlike his brother he hasn't got a wee twin sister to share all the food with. Why do you ask?"

"N-nothing just a little idea I had." At the last minute, Carson thought the better of bringing it up and decided not to offer it. Now he really had nothing to ay.

"Oh? What idea?" She smiled. The concept seemed to pique her curiosity.

"Nothing." He covered quickly.

"You can tell me!" She laughed, adjusting Sam in her arms.

He sighed. "I thought…while we still have the time." He stopped again, deciding finally, what to say to her. He would praise her, and apologize in a way she wouldn't understand until later. He felt the need to apologize for a lot: for the pain of her (former) barrenness, for her being an old, tired mother, and for the probable future of his being unable to provide.

"Mr. Carson. It's all right. You can tell me anything." She soothed, cupping his cheek in her hand.

He took her hand in his and kissed it, holding it tight. "Mrs. Hughes. Thank you so much for baring me wonderful sons, and a beautiful little princess. We waited so long and now that we finally have three miracle children, three who greatly exceed all of my hopes and expectations - well I, Mrs. Hughes I must admit there's part of me that hopes we wouldn't waste the time left we have to have one more."

'There.' He thought. 'I said it.'

Elsie looked back at him with surprise but said nothing so he continued.

"I want to snatch up every missed opportunity to make beautiful children with my eyes and your smile and that." He stopped again, searching her eyes, as she looked up at him, interested now. He smiled and brushed her cheek with his thumb. "Well that we could seize every new opportunity to have a little miracle and see our face and hear our laugh every time we look at it."

She was moved by his words and felt tears spring to her eyes. "My Mr. Carson you were never so well-spoken."

"I mean every word of it. I love you as I breathe, my Mrs. Hughes. I love every child you've given me, and I treasure every moment you've ever paid me mind at all."

It was true; Carson did want to have another baby. It was the worry he wanted now, not the thought of loosing everything, and the fear that she might leave him because they had no where to go. He couldn't stand to loose her, not for anything.

"Charlie." She breathed, nuzzling him softly.

By now Sam was yawning. Carson smiled and took the baby's hand in his own. "Should Samuel be our littlest baby, that is good and well by his da." He said. "But I wanted to let you know that, that's how I felt. Partially because you're so beautiful with a child Mrs. Carson."

"Oh Charlie. That's all so sweet."

"Y-you're not mad?" He asked, surprised.

She blushed. "No. But on that note; after my last experience having your mammoth baby I'm going to have to say no." She giggled. "And besides that, I'm old for it, we know that, I'm old for this." She noted, gesturing toward he infant in her arms. "It's hard on me Charlie." She admitted.

He gulped, hoping she didn't notice. If child rearing were hard on her, how hard would it be for her to start all over in a new life somewhere else? He hadn't been sure that he could do it. He was set in his ways and had been at Downton since he was a boy, but she was accepting of change in a way he was not and much younger than he, still young enough to have a baby. If she couldn't do it, then they were certainly doomed.

Carson was a bit hurt. He knew what she would say, but part of him had been hopeful. He wanted to give her everything she'd wanted and a big family had been one of those things. 'It's alright.' He thought. 'We can't afford it anyway.'

"I know love. I didn't mean to…"

"It's a lovely thought Mr. Carson." The baby sighed as his mother spoke. "And they're the loveliest of words. So much of me would love to say yes." She confessed bittersweetly. "But that's not how it is. We're having a small family, not repopulating the earth."

Yes that's how it was. Whatever was going to be would be: Downton or not, livelihood or not. He waited a beat then spoke again, remembering the bit of savings he had.

"Mrs. Hughes. Did you ever think of opening a little inn or something? We could have all the children there with us and…"

Elsie started laughing. "That's Mr. Bates' dream, not Mr. Carson's. I think he's a little confused today." She laughed. "Charlie aren't you happy with the way things are? With Downton and your son?"

"Oh Elsie." He leaned down and kissed Sam's forehead before kissing her and getting up to leave. "Elsie Carson I am the happiest man in the whole of the world and don't ever mistake that."

Elsie sat in silence, holding her baby tight after her husband left the room, coming to realize that something was very wrong.

…..

In the end, Carson lost. Sybil and Branson came to them, and not the reverse. He should've known that the progressive Lady and her chauffer husband would come downstairs to greet everyone. Carson was a little bitter about it and worried almost beyond the scope his soul could contain. His employer sat upstairs, feeling exactly the same in every measure. Years later, Charlotte Carson would look back and see a time where the two heads of the household had soldiered on without complaint, the weight of their fading world on their shoulders.

Carson sat alone in his pantry, rocking his baby boy in his arms. Sam blinked almost ready to fall asleep. He didn't know it, but little Sam's thoughts were all on him. He thought it was wonderful to be lulled to sleep by his da. Carson smiled down at him, something about the baby comforted him in a way he couldn't name. He didn't realize it was because the little boy was a manifestation of years of hoping when there was no reason to. And because Samuel made him think, deep inside, of how strong he really was: he let him know he'd survive against the odds.

"Daddy really is so worried." He confided quietly, playing with the child's tiny fingers. "But you are his comfort my Samuel." Sam crunched his eyes shut tight and yawned again. It'd been a long, eventful day and he wanted nothing more than to sleep.

"Charlie." Elsie knocked on the door. "They want to see the baby."

Carson held Sam close, not wanting now to give up time with his son. He sighed. "He's about to fall asleep." Carson was tired too.

"It'll just be a minute and then he can see his da again. I promise."

Carson felt empty when Elsie lifted him from his embrace.

The Branson's were excited that Elsie had had another baby and wanted to see him, but wondered why even Cora had not seen fit to tell them about him. He got up, following his wife to the door, watching as the young couple he didn't approve of delighted over his new baby boy. He couldn't help but observe that they'd left Downton, that she'd left the only life she'd ever known and yet they were happy… perhaps if they had to follow suit they would find a way to be all right.