Ch 39- Growing, Part II

August 4th, 1920

"Well Mrs. Hughes this is a tight fit." Carson remarked.

He'd been skeptical before, but was full of doubt now that he'd assembled the second cot, the one that had once been Charlotte's.

"It's tight but we'll manage." She insisted and he sighed, preparing to voice his concern. "Charlie I've seen more than twice as many siblings crowd into a place half this size. Ten is a whole different matter than four."

"I know but it's so… it's rather small now isn't it?"

"It's cozy." She said, picking up a freshly washed sheet and holding it tight to her mostly still flat stomach. She was very small for almost five months and they were worried about it. "Have you thought of moving?"

"What?!" He asked, arching an eyebrow. He was aghast at her suggestion. "Mrs. Carson I love our house! We've had happy years here! And I was looking forward to many more…" He cried, looking back at her as though he'd been kicked.

She giggled. "You're the one who says our nursery's getting a bit crowded." She remarked as he pulled her in close, gently kissing the tip of her nose.

"Aren't you a bit… worried?" He asked.

Elsie giggled. "We have two growing lads and a lovely little lass and who knows maybe another lad on the way." She smiled, looking down at herself. "It's rather cozy, Mr. Carson and if I were younger, it'd be even cozier in a few years time." She teased, trying to be a bit flirtatious.

Both knew that this child would be their last. It was something they had very mixed feelings about. They felt enormously blessed to end up with four little ones after years of being unable to have a child and trying so hard. Looking back, they'd gone to extraordinary lengths to have a family. They'd done things that were a bit risqué, certainly out of character and ultimately very modern and far too costly for their post in life… but it'd paid off in four fold.

And now it broke their hearts that they had to be done. For Elise, it was more of a deep bittersweetness. She'd fought for most of her adult life to become a mother and the idea of giving up the battle, having won it, awestruck her and at the same time left her feeling numb.

She could recall finally being able to afford her surgery in 1911, eight years after she'd started saving. By then she'd reached an age when most women her age were complaining about their sizable brood. Instead she'd been hoping against hope that the painful procedure would take and somehow she'd still have a chance. It didn't: not for three years. That time had been her lowest point in many ways and she still couldn't believe, now that her efforts would ultimately pay off in four babies instead of the one she'd pled to God for. Elsie looked down at her small bump in deep gratitude that squeezed the whole of her heart and could be felt throughout every inch of her body.

"I don't want to be done." She whispered, biting her lip. Carson said nothing, but took her chin and lifted her head to meet his loving but hurt gaze.

He didn't want to be done either. He still couldn't believe, even on baby number four, that she was pregnant. He thought he'd spent every second since she'd first told him six years earlier, just as tickled and proud as the moment before it. It was a feeling of deep happiness that had never worn off for Charlie Carson and never would as long as he lived. He leaned down, pressing his forehead to hers.

"It's a different kind of pain, isn't it my Mrs. Hughes?" He asked.

She sighed. They were getting older, after all. Elsie was at the very, very end of her childbearing years and Carson passed his reasonable window of fathering a child. Elsie loved her late in life children desperately and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world but sometimes, she looked back and still saw all the lovely little people who would never be and all the love they'd almost missed out on entirely.

"At the end of the day, we still got our five." He whispered.

He was right. There had been six and that had been the end of it. Four would be born two miscarried. Elsie cringed, thinking of the twins she'd lost just before becoming pregnant with Samuel. There'd been a time when she counted five missing little persons at the table alongside them every evening. But those five had been people who she desperately wanted to carry in her womb and hold in her arms. They'd been possibilities. Little what-if people whose absence pained her greatly, but also presented a far off hope…

But then there were her lost twins. Elsie now saw them missing from her nursery every night. They'd not been what-ifs but two babies she really had carried in her womb, two babies she'd known before they faded back into the dust from which they came... They presented their mother with their own kind of pain, one not of longing or desperation, but of definitive loss. Elsie cuddled into her husband, pressing her face against his strong chest, trying her best to deter her thoughts.

Samuel had eased this pain, even quenched it. But now that this was her last child, something inside nagged, reminding her of her loss and her years of desperation. Having a last child was a new kind of thing to face, one she wasn't sure she was ready for. Elsie looked down at her very tiny bump, desperately worried that the baby was too small. It was a feeling they shared, but she was deeply afraid she was going to loose it and had not told him yet. She felt a stillness deep inside she couldn't reconcile and it chilled her to the bone.

"I feel so blessed that it's so cozy in here. Just be glad of it." She said quickly, a tear in her eye. "There are no regrets."

"My Elsie there are never any regrets with you." Carson smiled, taking a freshly washed baby blanket off of Charlotte's bed: it was the brand new one Elsie had just made. They paused, taking a moment to caress the blanket she'd knit together so carefully, Carson hoping that the impending child would turn out its perfect as the blanket had. He continued after a moment: "I feel so blessed, but its also the last time we're going to do this Elsie and that's…"

"Bittersweet." She finished, kissing his nose.

A tear trickled down his cheek as he examined the blanket, holding it so lovingly that he seemed to be praying over it, perhaps wanting to endow some kind of blessing over the child who would call the blanket his own.

"Our long-awaited youngest child." He whispered. "Oh how blessed we are, to have a youngest."

"I think she'll have your eyes." She smiled, gazing up into his, the joy she felt deep inside finally escaping from her lips.

"I think he'll have your nose."

Charlotte sat on the stairs, peering into the nursery and watching her father lovingly hold the new baby's blanket in his hand as he kissed her mother tenderly on the nose. Her soul sighed, comforted by her parent's gentle embrace. Many years later, Charlotte would recount that it was moments like these that had taught her both how to love and be loved.

Carson pulled his wife further into his embrace and hugged her tight. Charlotte didn't realize that her parents paused to reflect on the long journey behind them. On the depth of their pain and the nearly unfathomable reality of the joy they now lived. Carson cradled his wife, pride swelling within him as he did so.

"Your mother made you a wonderful blanket, my littlest one." He said, still holding her tight.

The couple clung to each other in this moment, confiding in each other not just about their joy, or the pain of the past, but also their fears about what the future held. Elsie looked down at her barely there bump and smiled. In truth, the couple was worried and it gave cause to the bittersweetness they felt. She was soon to be five months. Samuel was showing at this age and started kicking up a storm soon after. This child was far smaller than it should've been and had yet to move.

They hadn't voiced their concern out of their number, but worried something was wrong with the baby: that she wasn't growing correctly, that Elsie was too old and the baby would be like its Aunt Becky, or worst of all, that it had already passed on before it had had a chance at life.

"And when you're born." Elsie paused, sniffling as she did so. She wanted to say, 'however you're born' but refrained. "When you're born daddy and I will wrap you in it, and hold you tight: as a symbol of all the love we've always been waiting to give you."

"I promise, I promise that all is right with this babe. He's just growing in his own way." He said, attempting to soothe her. He knew in his heart that it was, it just had to be.

His hand wandered over her belly, covering her bitty baby bump. Elsie sniffled, thinking she should've looked like this at least a month earlier.

"She's just who she should be, whoever she is and however she is born." She bit her lip, trying not to cry. Elsie was deeply worried, but felt an intent peace about her youngest child. "I just want to spend the time, and celebrate."

"And celebrate we shall." He smiled, leaning forward and kissing her deeply.

…

The Next Day

Elsie hurried, not looking back at him as he followed her down the long staircase back to the kitchen. She walked as briskly as she could, giggling inside, pretending as though she were trying to get away from him. Suddenly she tripped on a step and he reached down and grabbed her, pulling her into him before she could fall. She turned, smiling deeply as he pressed his nose to hers and rocked her gently.

"The butler has no place chasing the head housemaid about." She reminded.

Carson smiled deeply, his heart leaping with joy at how far they'd come. They were repeating a flirtatious game they used to play and had abandoned not long after their newlywed days. But somehow now, after Samuel's birth and the news of another new baby they both felt a resurgence of youth and energy that had left them so many years before. She was deeply happy in spite of her worries and he young and alive in a way he hadn't been since he was on the stage.

"Yes he does." He said, turning and pressing her into the wall with his larger frame. She giggled, still clutching the linens she was transporting. "He does when he loves her so, when he'd do anything to show her that."

"You did a lot to show me last night." She whispered.

Carson smiled, tears in his eyes as he cupped her cheek in hand. He was more overjoyed than he could say, to just be with her and have it be known to everyone. As fun as sneaking was, nothing in the world had felt as good as declaring his love to her everyday and in everything he did: in the smiles shared, in the way they moved about the house together and in the presence of three little people who shared their flesh and blood.

"Get away with you!" He teased, letting her go as she continued down the stairs.

They were worried about the impending baby. So much so that they'd decided that they'd just have fun and try to be calm, whatever would come. Both finally felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and wanted their youngest to share that with them even if it turned out he wasn't right. They'd decided that whoever he or she was, she'd be perfect.

"We need to fatten you up!" Beryl laughed as they came into the kitchen.

Carson watched his wife as she walked ahead of him, seeing that she'd thickened a little bit more in the back and hadn't noticed. He knew better than to point it out, and decided to let her discover it herself.

"What'll we have, lad cravings or wee lass cravings?" Beryl continued.

"I haven't really a feeling on it yet." Elsie bit her lip. "But I find myself thinking of chocolate…" The morning sickness had ceased only days before and cravings had not really settled in.

Elsie put her head down as Carson kissed her cheek and left to ring the dinner gong. She'd known Samuel by this stage even though he'd been very small, and this baby wasn't giving her much to go on. Either way she didn't want to tell Beryl. She saw it as her fault that Samuel had gotten so big and as much as she wanted this child to grow and be healthy she wasn't anxious to give birth to another mammoth baby either.

Clarkson merely thought the child was just going to be small in stature, like she was, and was the first to point out that she'd had twins, then an abnormally large little boy… maybe she just didn't know what a normally sized single child was like. Whatever the case, she was upset that Beryl kept bringing it up. It made her more anxious than she rightfully should've been.

Elsie took a breath, trying to focus on what her husband had said the day before: 'Our children tend to favor extremes Mrs. Hughes… perhaps this one is just small like Samuel was big.' In any case, she figured Beryl was right and she should try to eat.

"Samuel, would you like to have some chocolate with mummy?" She asked, turning to her baby who sat in his highchair watching Mrs. Patmore go about her work. Samuel threw down the toy he'd been chewing on and reached for Elsie with his chubby little hands.

"Mmmmm!" He cried, gurgling as she picked him up.

"Oh my lad, let mummy see him!" Elsie soothed as she cuddled him.

"Are you sure it isn't his fault?"

"Hmm?" Elsie asked, consumed with cuddling her baby.

"Well he does take everyone's food… you're still nursing him, maybe that's stealing from his baby brother."

"I don't know. I think this one just doesn't have the appetite Samuel does." Elsie considered as Sam cuddled into her.

Sam sighed, he'd picked up on the fact that something was changing but wasn't sure what it was. All he knew was that he was clingy all of a sudden with his mummy. Elsie had been considering this baby's size a lot. She was tiny, but you could tell she was expecting, just a little, even under her thick black dress.

"Have you any names yet?" Daisy asked excitedly.

"Her name is Lucy." Carson said proudly, coming back into the room with the twins at his heals.

"Lucy grow?" Charlie asked, coming to his mother's side.

He reached up, pressing the span of his tiny hand against his mother's tummy. The twins looked up at their mother anxiously, knowing that there was some concern for their youngest sibling. Charlie didn't see how the baby was any different than himself. His friend and little brother had both grown exponentially in the past few months and he had not. The little boy was not worried about himself, but was instead embarrassed.

"No m'lad not since this morning." Elsie giggled. "And his name is William."

"William? For William?" She asked.

'Great.' The oldest Carson boy thought, 'another baby bwother who gets to grow bigger than Charlie…'

"Yes." Elsie answered. "William. To honor him."

Carson said nothing but scoffed inside. He supposed William was a good lad; he'd liked him and lamented his death. But to name his son after a footman…

…

Four Days Later

"Morning daddy!" The twins cried.

Carson almost jumped; jolted awake by the twins who leaned over him as he awoke. Charlotte clapped and Charlie giggled when his eyes flashed open. It was his day off and Elsie had elected to let him sleep but the twins had other ideas.

"You scared your father." He admitted, pretending to disapprove of them.

"Come along you two, I think it's time to see how much you've grown." Elsie called from downstairs.

Growing had become something of an obsession in the Carson household as of late. They were poised for it; anxious for it, and afraid it wouldn't happen all at once. Little Charlie gulped. Recently, it'd come to his attention that everyone had grown but him, when he'd been the one who wanted to so badly. He wanted nothing more in the world than to be big, tall and strong, like his daddy.

Carson took his twin's hands and led them downstairs. Samuel, who'd grown a lot recently, sat in his wooden highchair in the kitchen dripping his hands in the mush his mother had placed before him, smearing it all over his face.

"Charlotte, you first." Elsie smiled, holding out her arms.

Charlie reluctantly turned to the place on the wall his mother had used to mark their growth since before they were old enough to stand on their own. He could tell Sam had been measured before his breakfast and his height, at twelve months was quite tall. Charlie noticed that his baby brother had so many, many marks on the wall, compared to him and his sister. The much tinier boy grew like a weed. He remembered once, back when Sam was in her tummy, mummy had told them they were short because they grew inside her together. Charlie hoped that wasn't true, that he wouldn't always be shorter than he should because he shared his first few months in a cramped womb with Charlotte.

"Some people grow faster than others m'lad." Carson comforted. "But I bet when your finished the score will be even."

"Between me and Benjamin?" He asked.

This was the contest in which the little boy was most anxious to compete. Something about that made Carson nervous, knowing that as the boys grew, Charlie would never be able to compete with Ben in terms of wealth and advantage. At the same time he knew the score would even and that when the boys became men, Benjamin Crawley would never have the physical strength or the creative ability Charlie Carson Jr would grow into. The idea of that settled the butler's soul.

"No." Carson laughed. "Between you and Samuel, and the Carson brothers will be quite bigger than Master Benjamin I can promise that."

Carson knew his tiny namesake felt left out by not having grown much in the past year. Benjamin had grown quite a bit. Samuel of course, had grown tremendously, evolving from something unseen under his mother's skin to a boy the size of a one-year-old baby in less than a year's time…. Charlie had failed to realize that his twin sister hadn't grown all that much either. The two could still fit into clothes they were wearing prior to Samuel's birth. But all that counted for Charlie was that his sister had grown just a bit more than him. He didn't know why, but it hurt his pride.

"No mummy I don't wanna measure!" Charlie cried when it came his turn.

"Shuuu m'lad. Hold still." Elsie soothed as Carson picked up Charlotte.

"Daddy I grew this much, see?" She whispered, holding her tiny fingers a small distance apart.

"Congratulations my girl." He smiled.

"Ohhh Charlie!" Elsie gasped. "My big strong little boy, you grew a couple of centimeters."

"But she's still taller than me!" He cried, pouting as his mother kissed his temple.

"I'm sowwy Charlie." Charlotte apologized not really knowing what she did wrong.

"At least I'm older." Charlie said confidently.

Elsie wanted to chuckle, the boy wouldn't understand that he reminded her so much of his father right then, in those times when he had confidence in something that was baseless, or of the past. Elsie giggled, looking up at her husband, wondering if they should say anything. Realizing she'd left Sam alone in his highchair for too long, she got up to tend to him, leaving her husband bent on the floor with their confused twins. Carson paused; able to tell that his son's statement had caused both twins to remember one of the many questions they'd asked when Elsie was expecting Samuel: which one of us is older?

"Actually…" Carson hesitated. Elsie nodded from her place cleaning up after Sam, agreeing she thought it was time. "Actually. Charlie, Charlotte is your big sister."

"What?!" He cried, his eyes pooling with tears. Elsie's heart sunk, hearing the disappointment in her son's voice.

"Oh m'lad don't be upset, neither of you could help that." She soothed, taking the baby in her arms and bending back down the twin's level. "You're both the same age, you both started together at the same time in mummy's tummy, you both grew together..."

"And you were both the same size, just as you are now." Carson tried to reason.

Meanwhile Charlotte was shocked: she had, had a feeling that she was the oldest, but hearing that it was true came as a surprise. Sam looked back at his big brother anxiously. He shoved his fist in his mouth, noting the older boy, who he loved very much, was upset. Sam may've been small, but he knew that if Charlie was upset, he should be too.

"I can't believe I let her beat me out!" Charlie pouted, not noticing his brother reaching for him.

"Charles it was your birth it wasn't a race." Carson almost admonished, raising an eyebrow.

Elsie couldn't help but giggle. Looking back, it'd sure felt like a race. "M'lad there's no rhyme or reason for these things, she's only ten minutes older than you." She soothed. Charlie started to blubber and ran upstairs.

…..

Carson and Elsie quickly went up to console their very upset son, their hearts sunk, hearing him cry as they neared.

"What is it my baby lad?" Elsie soothed. Neither of them realized that their son felt powerless and a little bit emasculated.

Carson leaned down and picked his son up off the floor with ease. "Is this about being born second?" He asked.

Charlie felt trapped. His sister was the only girl, Sam the baby. Benjamin the lord… soon there would be another baby. Charlie Carson Jr often felt that daddy, and having his name, was his only strength. The little boy wanted to be like his father in every way possible. Knowing his daddy was eight whole years older than mummy (that was nearly twice as long as he'd lived and the age difference amazed him) he'd assumed he must also be older than his sister, just has he'd wanted to be tall like his father. Charlie nodded, as his dad held him.

"And being tall." He cried. "Daddy I wanna be like you!"

Carson paused; Elsie could see that their son's words touched him deeply.

Carson laughed. "And like me you are." He held him tight. "But you're also a little boy. Daddy wasn't always so tall you know. He was Sam's size once, and yours. You'll be a very tall, strong lad, because you're my son. You'll both be quite tall, Samuel and you."

Elsie smiled at the thought. She could picture her boys, grown and proud and so much like their da. She didn't know if anything else in the world could make her so proud. The mere idea that she'd given him two (or perhaps three) sons who'd grow up to be just like him made her heart soar.

"You pwomise?" He asked, feeling reassured.

"I promise." Carson was sure of it.

"And as for your age." Elsie said, running her fingers through his hair. "You were your mummy's surprise! Did you know that m'lad?" She giggled, smiling deeply at the memory of having her surprise of a baby boy placed on her chest.

In that instant, her fears for this new baby eased. Charlie had been born perfect and she hadn't even known he was inside her. Elsie bit her lip, thinking back on how the tiny little newborn boy, with her great big blue eyes, had mesmerized her in an instant. She'd never gotten over the feeling of having her heart grow a million times wide as she'd felt him, a beautiful son whom she'd worked most of her life to give, take his first breaths in her arms.

"Surprise?" He grew curious.

"My surprise baby." She said, tears in her eyes. She felt those same things about Charlie every time she looked at him and knew she always would.

"You're Daddy's surprise too." Carson added. "And quite a surprise you continue to be."

Carson knew his little boy couldn't envision the type of future he'd foreseen for him: the one where he'd grow into a strong, smart, very capable young man who could have anything in the world he wanted to. In truth, the butler could never wait to see how his oldest son would surprise him. He always did.

"Mummy didn't know she was having two babies. I had your sister first, and didn't think I could be any more in love ever in the whole my life than I was with her. And then Mrs. Crawley told me you were twins, that you'd been hiding behind your sister and were about to be born. And when she put you in my arms: you were the wee boy mummy had wanted forever and such an unexpected one." She didn't have to explain that part further, the twins knew of their parent's years long desire and inability to have them. "So I know you want to be the oldest m'lad, but you're my surprise, and that's every bit as special as being the oldest." She kissed him on his head several times.

"It is quite special indeed. Your mother hid you from me, and when I came in I held Charlotte first. And then out of the blue, Mrs. Crawley came in with you: my son, dare I say nothing on earth's ever delighted me so much." He said. Charlie was surprised to look up and see his father crying. "One day, m'lad," Carson stopped himself from saying 'when I am gone.' "One day, when you're older, you'll assume the role of brother, you'll love and defend your sister, your brother will look up to you." He didn't say: 'Your mother will look to you for help.'

Charlie considered this carefully. Elsie could see her son having his father's reaction at this: it made him feel proud, reassured.

"Charlie already does those things." Elsie smiled. "Now my baby boy, why don't you go and join your sister and brother and we'll make your favorite cookies."

"Okay mummy, daddy I lobe you!" He kissed each of their cheeks.

Charlie still felt terrible about being short, but his parent's words had comforted him to some degree. The idea that he was special to them touched his heart. He went downstairs, feeling more confident about his role in things and if nothing else, loved.

Elsie started to giggle and she looked back at her husband as they sat together on the edge of their son's bed. The two looked around, not believing for a moment that they had a full nursery.

"What?" Carson asked.

"My Mr. Carson, he is your little boy in every sense of the word."

"Oh my Elsie." He smiled, leaning in to kiss her, placing his hand on her belly. "Whatever comes; however this one is born. Thank you so much for our surprise babies: for all of them."