Ch 40- More Than You Can Handle

September 1920

"There, now somebody looks so pretty for her very first day." Elsie cooed, affixing a big white bow to the top of her daughter's head.

She'd made Charlotte a brand new dress (and Charlie a new shirt and pants) and put a lot of effort into trying to get the twins excited for their first day at the village school, something everyone but Elsie was very skeptical about.

"Mummy I'm afraid to go." Charlotte cried, starting to chew on her thumb.

It was a sobering moment for Charlotte Carson. The butler's oldest child found herself trembling and wanted with everything in her, to climb back into bed or run to the abbey. The twins had had very little interaction with other children (aside from Benjamin) and were nervous about the prospect of going to a place filled with them. Elsie didn't fully realize that her twins saw this new venture as something totally foreign. It wasn't just that the prospect was frightening; it was that it seemed wrong in their little minds, like it was something improper and not to be done. They weren't snobs (as their father was) and understood their more humble roots to some extent, but somewhere in their unconscious they were still children of the abbey, used to privilege they were oblivious of and a way of life entirely different than what was found outside of its grounds.

"Oh my sweetheart I know you're scared but I promise you it'll be alright. You and Charlie will get on just fine." Elsie wanted to tell her she wished she'd had a similar chance as a girl, but refrained. Instead she winced, focusing for just a second on the growing pain in her lower back. It'd been coming on for some time now.

"Why don't we get to go to school with Benjamin?" Charlotte pouted. "And why does he have to go to school all by himself?" She inquired, laying her hands on her mother's now slightly more swollen stomach.

Charlotte was hurt by this notion, knowing her life long friend was as crushed as she and her brother were intimidated. Something felt wrong about leaving Benjamin all on his own. It was unappealing for Charlie and almost unnatural for Charlotte. Elsie smiled sympathetically, placing her hand on her still somewhat flat belly, unsure of how to explain the desire she had for her children. It was something she'd been adamant about from before she'd ever been pregnant and carried with her deeply now that she was sending her oldest off for the first time and worried about the well being of her youngest.

It had always been her wish that her children would attend the village school; that they would be educated and have chances she and her husband had not had in life. It had also been her ambition that they be part of normal society, and that somehow, they would be able to break away from life at the abbey. They had a privileged place it was true and Elsie was grateful, however it was still servitude and Elsie wanted her children to be their own masters, free to speak their own minds and hearts: nothing in the world meant more to her.

It was something her husband respected, but never fully understood in the same way because he was so dedicated to his life in service, and to the proper order of things. She'd tried explaining her view to Cora (who still didn't really understand either) and hadn't been able to convey much of it to the twins at all. The two had voiced that more than anything; they wished simply to stay with her in the day. Elsie was touched by this but her dreams for them overrode even her desire to spend her days with them at her side, something she could do if she allowed them to be educated by Benjamin's tutor.

"Charlotte. Benjamin's mummy and daddy want him educated in one way and yours want you educated in another, now turn around lass."

"Oh…" Charlotte pondered as her mother buttoned the back of her dress. "Mummy what's educated?" Elsie laughed.

"It means what you learn." Elsie kissed her cheek. "And how you learn."

Charlotte paused, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. She wanted to stay at home, to go to school with Benjamin, to see her mother at lunchtime, and moreover, she understood that Cora also wanted her and Charlie to stay and not attend the village school. Why should they go when they were so welcomed in a place they were already loved?

"Why can't we learn the same things?" The little girl asked, squinting a little, the idea still confusing to her.

Elsie paused for a moment, a deep sadness overcoming her as she looked down at her daughter. She'd known it would come to this sooner or later and for the first time in a long time, remembered precisely why she'd been so hesitant to let her children become part of Downton's nursery, and constant companions of the future Lord Grantham. Elsie sighed, getting on her knees, deciding it was time the truth begin to come out. She took a deep breath, caressing her tiny baby bump for strength.

"Oh my love." She sighed, hoping not to break her baby's heart. "Because when you grow up, you and Benjamin won't have the same life."

…

"I don't have much of a feeling about this one. I think he wants to remain a mystery to his mummy." Elsie confided, rubbing her belly softly.

It was the middle of the day and she sat in the kitchen with Beryl, feeding Samuel his lunch. Mrs. Patmore sensed something off about her friend, noting she was a bit shorter with everyone than usual, and wondered if it had anything to do with having sent the twins off to school for the first time.

"Well I'm glad the new baby lad finally grew a bit. That's a relief." The cook laughed, trying to be light hearted.

"Yes a wee bit but not enough. And I am nearly half way through… Dr. Clarkson says its fine, but I still worry. Not that I've not enough to worry about."

"Something else troubling you?" She asked gently.

Elsie sighed. "My older two getting on, just as we all are." She laughed, putting her hand on her back. "Oooh."

"Kick?"

"No. Still no kicking from this one." There was no kicking, but Elsie's back had hurt a lot lately and she was worried about it: it didn't feel right, or like anything she'd ever felt before. "Oooh."

"They're smart little things they'll love school… your back again?" Beryl asked, revealing that she'd noticed her friend's dilemma over the past several days.

Elsie nodded, wincing again. "Its as if she's not laying correctly and even though baby's so little it… ooooh Lucy Carson… Lucy you may not kick yet but I know you can move, please turn over."

Elsie actually wasn't sure of that. A large part of her still thought something was wrong and feared the child would be a stillborn, but she tried her best to think otherwise, it kept her going when nothing else did.

Daisy watched Elsie, glaring at her as if she were watching a mad woman, and decided there and then that she would never have her own children. The young girl didn't realize how very burdened the older woman was.

"The poor lass." Beryl laughed, whispering to Daisy. "She'll be alright in the end of it."

"Sam, Samuel no!" Elsie almost yelled when she opened her eyes. In just seconds, the baby had placed his hands in the bowl, coating himself, his highchair and part of the floor in the mush that was supposed to be his sustenance. "Samuel no!"

Samuel paid no mind to his mother and instead, tossed another bit of mush onto the floor. Elsie looked back at Beryl, angry as she started to laugh. Her heart sank. She was exhausted, immensely frustrated and was trying her best not to cry.

"Oh Samuel!" Elsie was upset. "Don't do this to your poor, pregnant mum!"

Baby Samuel, who was slowly learning to feed himself, had become immensely messy over the past few weeks, a habit that had seriously begun to frustrate his worried, hormonal, and overly emotional mum. In some way, the baby seemed to have begun his terrible twos just shortly after his first birthday and Elsie wondered how she'd survive it pregnant.

"Oh Elsie, I'll clean the lad up." Beryl volunteered, still laughing.

"That isn't the point." Tears streamed down Elsie's cheeks now. "The point is that mummy is very tired and upset!" Really she was at the end of her rope and had a bad feeling about the twins' first day.

"I suppose now is not a good time?" Carson asked, coming in the kitchen. He paused, gazing at his baby son sternly. "I will deal with you later lad."

"Mr. Carson you can't deal with him, he's only a baby." Elsie reasoned, drying her tears.

Samuel took the opportunity to toss the remainder of his food in Mrs. Patmore's face, but his parents didn't notice. Carson paused, not knowing what to say to his wife. He'd come with news for her that he wasn't prepared to deliver.

"Mrs. Hughes… we've been called to the school for a conference."

"A conference?" She asked quickly. "It's only the first day!"

Elsie was horrified in an instant, wondering what trouble could possibly have befallen her little babies. She jumped to her feet, a state of near panic gripping her soul.

"They're fine." He cautioned. "But I'm afraid that doesn't mean all is well."

…

An Hour Later

"How could he have said such a thing?" Carson thundered.

According to the teacher, the Carson twins liked to speak their minds. Elsie said nothing, walking alongside her husband quiet as a mouse as they made their way back to Downton.

"I don't teach anyone to speak their mind." He seemed disgusted. "What are they, Americans?" He scoffed. "Perhaps this is her ladyship's fault." He considered.

Elsie's eyes widened in surprise, this was possibly the first time she'd ever heard him criticize a member of the family. Had she heard right? Well, he wasn't speaking of the blessed Lady Mary so she supposed anything aside from that was possible. Elsie understood the consideration; in some way she also blamed Cora, having left the schoolhouse with the understanding that her children would never be quite who she wanted them to be because her influence. At the same time, she was proud that her twins spoke their minds: that alone made them everything she'd wanted them to be.

"There's nothing wrong with a fighting, fiery sprit? Have you ever met the mother?" She asked, looking at him out of the corner of her eye, her gaze remaining focused ahead. Carson stared at her in surprise but said not a word. "I don't know Mr. Carson your children might be Scottish for all you know, did you ever think of that?"

Carson sighed, reminding himself that his children did seem to possess his wonderful wife's fighting spirit, just as they had so much of the rest of her in them. In some way he knew that was a good thing and in another he was ashamed they'd been disruptive on their first day, it was a shocking departure from how he would behave. The twins, it would seem, had asked too many questions, had not been quiet when told and most troubling of all to Elsie, the teacher had said Charlotte had 'known too much.'

Charlie and Elsie had arrived at the school to find all the other children playing outside and the twins huddled in opposite corners of the room crying. Both were in trouble. Elsie went to her son and Carson to his daughter.

"Daddy!" Charlotte had cried. "I'm in twroble!" Charlotte's tummy ached at the prospect she'd never really been in real trouble before.

"What on earth happened?" He asked, taking his crying daughter in his arms. He rocked her gently; in his heart knowing his princess could've done no wrong. "You can tell daddy anything." He dried her tears.

"Daddy I… I read too much!" Charlotte was confused. "How could I read too much?!" Her heart raced. Carson knew his daughter was an exceptional reader but wondered what she meant.

"What do you mean?"

"They said I go too fast! And daddy… these children are like Ben. Charlie and I read and they can't!"

"Charlie m'wee lad." Elsie said, getting on her knees next to her son's desk. He turned to her within seconds and wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Mummy." He cried softly.

"Oh my baby Charlie what is it, what happened?" She held him tight.

"Mummy I drew this when we were supposed to draw a man on the farm, teacher said my head was in the clouds! Mummy I don't want to loose my head, I want it to stay on Charlie, what's that mean?!"

Elsie took her son's picture, seeing just what had been asked for: a man, on a farm, the abbey in the foreground and of course a little but very detailed airplane way up high. The drawing was really very exceptional for such a little boy to have made. She paused, kissing his cheek, a bit of pride soaring in her heart.

"Mummy you like my airplane?" He hiccupped, holding back tears.

"Yes my beautiful boy. I love your airplane." Elsie bit her lip.

"I've a mind to turn them over my knee." Carson thundered, shaking Elsie out of her memory. 'The children need to be disciplined, all three of them. Where did we go wrong Mrs. Hughes?"

"Samuel is a baby! He's out of hand, but he's just a rambunctious little lad whose learning how to be a normal little boy." Elsie had more to say on the subject of the twins but held her tongue. She felt numb and confused and didn't want to get into a fight.

They were on a long walk back to the abbey now, trying to figure out what to do. They'd brought Daisy to the school with them and sent the twins home with her so they could talk to the teacher. It was there they'd been told of their children's deficiencies: the five year olds were disobedient, one was mouthy, the other had his head in the clouds… one was too smart (for a girl), the other not quite bright enough in ways that mattered (for a boy). Elsie was not sure that she agreed about any of it. She felt very confused, very offended, and Carson was simply embarrassed by their disobedience.

"You've said that before and you never turn anyone over your knee." She reminded sharply, returning to the subject of discipline. "They're not bad Mr. Carson, although I do agree they do need to be punished for not being quiet when they were told… I'm afraid they're just from a different world." She admitted, sighing. Elsie was disheartened: this was NOT how it was supposed to go.

"Oh and what does that mean?" He stopped suddenly, wanting her to say what he was already thinking.

"It means that Downton's nursery has ruined them Charlie." She said simply.

"What?!" He seemed shocked. He was thinking it'd made them better.

"Charlie is modern, Charlotte is clever and both are very brave." Elsie knew this without question and resented the suggestion that anything was wrong with her children when she thought them perfect and was proud of who they were. Still, she worried. "What if they're too smart for their own good Charlie? What if it's that? What if Downton has set them up for the expectation of a life they can't…"

"Elsie that's ridiculous!" He didn't see it that way at all; just the opposite.

"Is it?!" She cried. "This is just what I warned you about, why I didn't want them raised with Master Benjamin…"

"And who says this really is better than our other options?!" Carson stopped, almost yelling at her.

Elsie was shaken. In an instant she knew he saw things very differently than she, and didn't want to hear the truth in his words. She paused, feeling a bit like she'd gotten slapped as she started to cry again.

"Elsie…"

She was already so burdened, with her vibrant tot, and another unborn child who seemed to be failing to thrive.

"Don't you see? I want them to be smart, and modern and so very brave and I'm proud that my children question things that they think for themselves. No I don't like that that school wants them to shut up! But I want them free!" She was openly crying now. "I brought them into the world to be free, modern, happy people. And if they're educated by the abbey then they're trapped by it!"

"Well if that's how you feel they're certainly being trapped by the school!"

"Don't you see, then they owe it their whole lives! They'll be beholden to Downton. They'll never get away. Charlie I can't… I can't do that to them. The way of that world is dying, it's well for you and I but it'd be drudgery for them, worse than for Thomas, Charlie! And our children have so much promise. I know they can be anything they want. Please, don't make me sacrifice my babies to a dying future." She sobbed. "To the servitude of posh people unlike you and me."

Carson paused, thinking that she was both overly emotional and overly Scottish that day.

"And you're the one who so badly wanted something better for them

Something we didn't have, something we can't give!" Carson yelled as she sobbed.

He was upset too, that he didn't have the means to provide something better than the village school, without depending on a handout from the Crawley's that was, but deep inside he knew that was the right choice: that the twins would be better for it and he wished his wife could just see.

"Don't you dare say I don't want for them what I can't give!" She cried. "Do you know what I've sacrificed to bring them into the world, to hope for a future for them?"

"Elsie…"

"It's not enough is it, it's not enough that here I am, doing the best I can with

three overly inquisitive children, that I work my fingers to the bone and don't want them to grow up and do the same. That's what will be expected." Elsie panicked and Carson knew it wasn't completely true. "So they've offered Charlie an education, so he can grow up and be their servant too?" She asked.

"There's been talk of his being a barrister Elsie, our son a barrister." He thought that was pretty good.

"That won't do for him." She said quickly. "He's no barrister. I want him to be whatever he decides, to do whatever his heart takes him too. But he's a boy he'll be helped. What of my Charlotte? I don't want her to grow up to be a maid like me. To work herself to death, and to carry around a dead babe inside of her while doing it!" She sobbed.

'Elsie!" Carson gasped. "What…"

"Mr. Carson please, please hear me!" She sobbed as he took her into his arms, his heart spinning.

"Elsie what, what is it?" He soothed, knowing this couldn't all have been about the twins and their school.

She just continued to cry, breaking down and shaking in his arms.

"My Elspeth it will all be okay. It'll all be alright."

"Charlie….Charlie I think our baby is dead."