Elena didn't know what to do about the awkwardness in the air that settled further in after Jeremy leaving the two of them. She had barely paid attention to the conversation since she had been back, and once she had seen that Jeremy's talk with Bonnie had gone well and he was okay, she kind of checked out of the conversation.

"Elena, are you okay?" Bonnie asked softly with her usual kind sincerity.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Just have been having a lot to think about lately."

"Do you want to talk about it? I know we haven't been as close since I got back but we're still friends."

"Are we? Still friends?" Bonnie looked startled at the question.

"Of-of course we are! Elena, we've known each other since like, before we could even form memories." She felt ashamed at the shock and hurt in Bonnie's voice. She was doing it again. She was putting her feelings first and leaving it to Bonnie to soothe her and prove to her that they were still close. Bonnie went on "Listen, I thought this was a Damon thing but clearly we have more to hash out, do you mind walking home now? Maybe that will do us some good while we talk."

"Okay, sure. I guess."

"Great" She turned to look for Matt, as their eyes met, he immediately came over, "Hey Matt, we're gonna walk home now, so when you're done, call Ty over so we can all have dinner together."

"Sure thing, I'll see you guys later then." He said tenderly, kissing the top of Bonnie's head and patting Elena's shoulder as he went back towards the kitchen.

They quickly got their coats and their drinks in to-go cups, and left the warm glow of the Grill to head towards the house. They started to walk silently, Elena deep into her thoughts. Bonnie stayed silent, giving her very first friend ever space to collect herself. The silence continued until Elena finally gathered her courage to open up the dialogue.

"Bonnie. About Damon, I never got the chance-" she cut herself off, shaking her head, "no, I never really tried to explain to you what has been happening." She took a deep breath.

"Lena, I love you and Damon both but I'm not sure I really want to know exactly how you guys went behind my back. I can wish for your happiness but I am not that strong or that selfless." Bonnie was looking awkward and uncomfortable and it hit Elena that her friend was expressing her feelings outright, which had not happened in so long, even her modified memories had captured that, but also how unsure she was in asserting what was a pretty reasonable sentiment. Elena felt horrible, the weight of her selfishness making her want to curl up in shame. Her best friend, her sister didn't feel like she had the right to express herself to her openly.

"Bonnie, I promise you it is not what I will be doing. I just want you to understand what has been going on with me. I know I don't deserve your understanding, but I owe you an explanation."

"Okay," Bonnie said "okay, but if we're going there, first I have something to say to you. After that, I will listen to you from start to finish." She sighed sadly.

"You've really, really hurt me Elena. And not just recently. I have loved you as my family for so long, I didn't know even how to begin to not see you as such. But ever since you got entangled with the Salvatores, I have ceased to be part of the people who matter the most and I don't even understand how or why that happened. I mean, Jeremy stayed important, Jenna, Matt. Heck, you even were able to closer with Caroline and gained new family with Alaric. Why was I the only one left behind?" As hurt as Elena felt hearing, she stayed silent and let Bonnie continue, she owed her that much. She didn't show her hurt because she wanted Bonnie to say frankly what she really felt, without feeling like she had to edit herself.

"At first, I didn't even realise it. With your parents dying, I was already used to there being a certain distance between us but I figured, you deserved to have someone letting you process your grief at your own pace. And then, I saw you liven up a little with Stefan. You seemed more sure of yourself, less sad and wishing to be away. That should have been my first sign, really. I wasn't enough to make you want to live fully. Maybe it was because I was tied to the past you wanted to go back to and couldn't, or maybe it was just that my placid acceptance didn't motivate you to try to go back to normal like Jeremy's distress was, for example. But anyway, I was happy for you. And then I discovered my magic, and the first person I ever thought of showing it to was you. But when you found out Stefan was a vampire, you didn't tell me right away. Stefan was kind of the first day rift between us. Grams died trying to save him, because you asked me and I begged her to help. You were there with me when I found her" just bringing up Grams brought a wet shine to Bonnie's and she blinked quickly, clearly trying to compose herself "and I appreciated that but when I went away and came back wanting nothing to do with Stefan or Damon, you were confused. I mean, come on. Why, Elena? What was so difficult to understand about me not wanting anything to do with two people who cost me the person who had been by my side for so long? The woman who was my refuge. You couldn't understand how my pain, my anger and my guilt were drowning me but you'd already shown sympathy for Damon who was acting like he was a damn near psychopath. This wasn't the last or worst time but that always stayed, seared in my mind. Because ironically, that moment when you showed me that I wasn't as important as I had been to you before was the moment I realised you were pretty much all the family I had left. And you know what, I take responsibility for some of it. I let you get away with using me, I let everyone around us know that I would do anything for you while they never saw me being a priority to you. I appeared and disappeared at your convenience, as well as that of anyone that cared about your safety or let me know they were targeting you. I wasn't my own person anymore." Elena felt sick hearing this, and it brought back memories of a conversation she'd had with Damon right after Bonnie broke up with him, and Caroline had chewed her out.

She had sped out of their apartment out of embarrassment, she had quickly driven back to mystic falls for a respite. God, this was such an awful situation and it had been all her fault. After a couple of days wallowing, she had finally removed her head from the sand and gone back to campus. When she reached their dorm, thankfully, Bonnie wasn't there. She couldn't recall if it was because she was spending time at the apartment or if it was one of her early classes as a TA, she didn't really keep Bonnie's schedule clear in her mind even though they were roommates for the third year in a row.

As soon as she closed the door, Caroline was on her. She had looked so pissed Elena had been seriously worried she would vamp out.

"What the hell did you do?" Caroline had shrieked.

"What?" Elena had replied dumbly.

"Don't 'what' me!" She had poked her chest emphasising each word.

"Why did Bonnie come back here super mad and then super sad? Why has Damon been moping about telling her it's not what she thinks and to ask you?"

"Wait, what?"

"Ugh, Elena, keep up! This is about their break up and she won't tell me anything! And your name keeps coming up so I want answers NOW!"

"I-, listen, I'm sure it's not as bad as you say" She had tried to placate her friend but her guilty expression had given her away.

"Elena" Caroline had grabbed her by the shoulders "What have you done?"

"I-, I kissed Damon." Elena said quickly.

"You did WHAT!?" Caroline had then taken a step back, shocked and disappointed. "What were you thinking? How could you do that Elena? How could you break up your best friend's couple like this? Doesn't Bonnie's happiness matter to you?"

"I didn't- it wasn't-" Elena burst into tears. And for the first time in a long time, Caroline didn't rush to comfort her. She watched Elena cry silently.

"Listen, I'm going to let you process this. I'm gonna go to Kandeez and get us those carb loaded Christmas themed drinks we can enjoy guilt free because we're vampires and will be eternally hot and you will explain yourself after we've both calmed down." Elena nodded. Caroline left and she cried freely until it was just soft breaths with a few hiccups in between. She washed her face and was looking presentable just as Caroline walked back in with not only the drinks but a bunch of other baked treats.

"Alright," Caroline said as they settled down, "Walk me through it. I want details, chronology, I want to know what the hell happened."

"I have been feeling a little lost since the break up with Liam. Actually I was feeling that way even before. I don't know what was bothering me, why I was suddenly so dissatisfied with my life, and the way things have been going." Caroline looked on, clearly wanting more relevant details. "Anyway, I was thinking that maybe the reason I was feeling so…incomplete was because there was a whole part of me that was missing. And Alaric obviously had no way of uncompellling me. So I went to the source. I went to Damon" She took a sip to distract herself from what she was about to admit to, and lowered her eyes, to avoid looking into Caroline's. "Since the fulcrum of the compulsion was our relationship, I asked him to go over our relationship, in detail. Over a few weeks he told me how we met, how he fell in love with me, how I fell in love with him. How we got together. What we were like together. It wasn't working. I was getting frustrated. I asked him to treat me like he used to treat me." She looked up and met Caroline's sharp glance. She reddened. "I read in some of my psych classes that role-play helps in jogging a patient's memory. Anyway, he categorically refused to do that, it made him uneasy. He said that it wasn't just that he wouldn't do it, he couldn't. I asked him to describe himself as a boyfriend then. How he treated me, how he would handle certain things. He told me he was a terrible boyfriend to me, and I told him I didn't believe him because he clearly made Bonnie happy." Her voice betrayed a bitterness she herself hadn't been aware of, "About a week ago, when I asked him how come he is so different from what he was describing to me about our past relationship, he told me he'd learned what not to do with me. Then he told me that it was just completely different with me. That the love he had for Bonnie was completely different, and he kept talking about how special their relationship is and how much he treasures her and how much he has grown and changed because of her and then I just kissed him." Caroline growled, but Elena continued "He left, put some distance between us for a few days and I went to his place, thinking- well, I'm not really sure what I was thinking but he said that he was extremely sorry for putting us both in that situation, that it wouldn't happen again but he needed to tell Bonnie what happened because he couldn't keep something like that from her. I was so embarrassed and frustrated. He was so…unaffected and matter of fact. I got teary eyed from the embarrassment and he put his arms around me and then Bonnie walked out of the bathroom. It was so awkward I had to leave, I have no idea what happened after I left because I sped away from there as quick as I could."

"Why Elena?" Caroline's knuckles were white from the tight, angry grip she had on her own hands. She was clearly angry. "Why would you do that?"

Elena stuttered "I-I-I don't know. Just the way he was going on, and everyone had said that our relationship was so intense and I just needed to know and all he kept talking about was Bon-" Elena's head snapped to the side from Caroline's slap. They both looked at each other and then Caroline's hand, both shocked at what the blonde had done. But quickly Caroline got a hold of herself.

"You know what, I'm not gonna apologize for this. You deserve it. I couldn't keep listening to your bullshit. Do you even hear yourself? Seriously, Elena? Do you think I'm stupid? I dated your ex remember? I've had to deal with standing in your shadow while hoping I don't get exposed for how much less brightly I shine than you." She took a breath, trying to calm herself. "You weren't restless for the meaning of your life, Elena, you were jealous because you saw something better for you and it wasn't available. You couldn't hack a relationship with Liam because as the human in the relationship, you have to look out for him first and worry more about him than he does about you. You couldn't take it when you looked across and saw how much care Bonnie, rightfully, receives with Damon. And I know exactly when it started, by the way. It was during that vacation in Bali. You finally saw with your two eyes what you think we've been describing to you was your relationship with Damon. Let me tell you, it was not that. And to think you were so selfish to try and destroy Bonnie and Damon's relationship out of envy and a need for attention!" She cut Elena off as she was about to object, "Don't even try to defend yourself. This stupid walk down memory lane plane? Really? From what I understood, the compulsion working hinged on one key memory holding down the foundation of your whatever mess you called the feelings you had for Damon. So how is him going on about every thing you did together going to help, how likely would it be that he would know exactly what moment you started to fall for him, and how would he be able to make you remember it correctly if you can't remember it happening at all yourself? You're not stupid Elena. This was some shady attempt to lure Damon back into your hands by playing the damsel. You thought it's be easy to make him fall back in love with you again because we've all filled your head with the idea that the most Damon has ever felt in his centuries long life has been about you. And, actually, I'll take the blame but we were wrong. His love for Bonnie is stronger, healthier and so much better than whatever desperation he had for you." Elena took a step back, feeling like she had been struck again. "You know why you kissed him, Elena. He was making it harder and harder to live in your little La-La Land and you thought kissing him would at least remind him of the physical appeal you had to him and I guess he got dragged in." Caroline looked disgusted. "What I want to know is why it's a whole week after the kiss that they broke up and why he is leaving calls full of slurred words barely intelligible. What the hell is going on? Please tell me you guys didn't try to sneak behind her back and she found out?"

Elena had been thinking carefully, barely paying attention after the last insult from Caroline. She wasn't sure what to do. Maybe she should go check on Damon. After all, he was still hurting and this was her fault, and maybe with Bonnie out of the picture, he would help her with her memories. Her memories were what she cared about, Caroline was wrong.

"What? Is he okay? Should he be alone right now?" She said once Caroline talked about Damon.

"Is he okay? What about Bonnie? You haven't asked anything about how she's doing. What is wrong with you?"

"You know what Caroline, this is none of your business. Clearly Bonnie isn't angry with me so you have no right to talk to me like this. You should be minding your business instead of projecting your feelings from another relationship with you dating my ex onto Bonnie." Caroline's eyes hardened further.

"Oh, this is how you want to play it instead of being honest with yourself? Fine. Consider us done as friends. From now on, you're just that annoying boy crazy roommate you hope to never see after graduation." Elena's heart stung a bit at that and she huffed as she went to the door, her pride was stung more and she wanted to make no effort to convince her friend to her side. She should go find Damon anyway. She walked out and slammed the door.

She went down the stairs, glum and ruffled and she bumped into someone. "Oh sorry-" she started as the other person quickly answered "Oh, it's no problem- Elena?" She recognized Alaric's voice, his always kind fatherly tone present. "You okay?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just heard about Bonnie and Damon and wanna make sure they're okay."

"What? Is this why he has gone silent for the last few days?"

"I- listen, Alaric, I have to go. I'll see you later. I'll let you know if he's okay." She walked away quickly.

"W-, Elena! Wait!"

She left him behind, hurrying up to go check on Damon. She ignored the Katherine like voice that noted that he would need someone to lean on now.

Once she was out of sight, she sped to Damon's apartment. She arrived there quickly, easily by-passing the concierge, and headed to the apartment. As she reached the door, she realised it was unlocked. She went in, and the living room was empty. The apartment looked…dark, empty, lifeless. It was weird. She went further up the stairs, assuming she would find Damon there. What first hit her was the stench of alcohol. It was heavy and a little sickening, even for a vampire. She went to the bedroom, pushing the slightly ajar door further open. It was empty, with the bed sheets undisturbed. The room still carried a waft of Bonnie's scent she had gotten when she had been coming down the stairs. She left the room and followed the smell of alcohol to a small study room. Damon had been slumped over the desk, looking like he had passed out mid drink with half a glass of pure vodka still in his hand. He looked miserable, even while unconscious. She looked at him with sympathy. She should wake him up and get him to go lie in his bed. Maybe after some good sleep would feel better.

She shook his shoulders, gently calling his name. He did not respond. She called his name louder. He startled awake, looking around, and hopefully said:

"Bonnie?"

"Damon, it's me. Elena." She hoped she kept the sullenness out of her voice.

"Oh," he had looked at her confused, blinking "what are you doing here Elena?"

"I-, I just wanted to check up on you?" She had ended the sentence with a question, almost like she had been asking herself. For the first time, she had really considered what she had been doing. Not just what she had been doing there, in Bonnie and Damon's place, but what she had been doing in the previous weeks. "I heard from Caroline what happened and I wanted to make sure you were okay? I'm so sorry Damon, I don't know what happened after I left but I'm sure everything will be okay."

"Wait, you heard from Caroline? What about Bonnie? Is she okay? What did she say?"

"Oh, I haven't seen her yet. I haven't exactly been around in the last few days, I needed some time to…think about things. Think about..us" She had mumbled her response, trying to not think too much about the fact that she had rushed to him but not her best friend.

Damon had gotten up, not really paying attention to what she had said. "I need a drink." He'd then gotten downstairs without looking if she would follow him, she had done so anyway.

As he had looked throughout the the alcohol cabinet for whatever he might have believed would help him feel better. She carefully looked at him, looked around at the apartment. A sudden realisation came to her. His voice startled her from her thoughts.

"What are you doing here Elena?" He'd asked again.

"I just told you, I heard about what happened and I felt bad and came to see if you're okay."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why did you come to see me as soon as you heard? If you haven't been around the last few days and heard about it from Caroline, why did you come to see me first?"

"I got worried, I know how you get when things go the way you don't want or expect." She had lied, whether it had been a lie to him or to herself, she still didn't know.

"Do you? Because with your memories messed up, how would you know since literally of my acting out due to disappointment in the past who knows how long have all been due to you?"

"Listen, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, I just remembered this was one of the things you talked about when I asked you about us, that's all. I don't know why you're reacting like this."

"Reacting like what? I'm just asking you what the hell you're doing here. What made you think I would make for great company right now? And if you were expecting some kind of death causing tantrum, why are are you surprised just because I'm a little grumpy? Which I totally have the right to be, by the way, because my girlfriend who I love more than I've ever loved in my entire centuries long life, broke up with me and thinks our relationship was a joke." She had flinched at the tone, and the words. He had not been finished, either. "And I'm certainly not going to be charming when the person I see after coming out of my drunkenness is not only not Bonnie, but the person who kind of created the situation in the first place."

"Damon, I'm sorry. That's why I felt so bad hearing it. I didn't want this to happen." Again, whether the lie had been for his or her behalf, she still had no idea.

"Well, whatever you wanted, here I am, and the one who I think of as my soulmate won't talk to me. I don't know if she's okay, how mad she is, if she'll give me a chance. If only she would just let me talk to her…" his words trailed off, he'd been more talking with himself than her. He then looked up, "Elena, I need your help. You're her best friend. And you know there is nothing going between you and me, that there is no way we would ever get back together so please, help me convince Bonnie that, she and I, we're the real deal. You know her the best after me, you can help." Damon had suddenly looked better then than he had the whole time since she woke him up. He had looked hopeful. But Elena had hesitated.

"What exactly do you want me to tell her?"

"Well, just the truth. I was going to tell her about the kiss anyway, so just tell her what happened, and that you and I is a thing of the past and I would never, ever even consider it. We're both so far past our relationship. Elena please, I know she would believe it coming form you. I know you would know how to explain it to her." His certainty about the finality of their past had smarted. He'd sounded like he couldn't even imagine them getting back together.

"Well, maybe explain it to me? How you feel, how you've gotten over me? I think if I know exactly where your head is at, I can explain it to her."

"Honestly, I don't know what to say. Bonnie and I, we really, really got to know each other on the other side. She'd become my best friend already. I still thought of you of course, and was so intent on coming back to you. We both talked about that, about you. But then she sent me back, sacrificing herself for me. I was heartbroken, because she didn't deserve to go through that. Not again. I should have stayed, not her. And then, I got back, and you had no memories of our relationship." She'd lowered her eyes guiltily. "Obviously, you saw my reaction to that, but I was also so worried about her. And then, I don't know…spending more time with you without memories of us…and finally not being so far up your ass" she'd flinched, it had become more like a stream of consciousness on his part, but it'd felt pointed to her. "I don't know, I just realised that me loving someone was actually not demanding all their attention and expecting a treat for good behaviour. It wasn't constantly worrying about whether I was loved, loved enough or loved more than someone else. I didn't fall out of love with you Elena, I was just in what I thought was love. Because it was a somehow less horrible version of what I had with Katherine and I'd been fooling myself into thinking that was love for the longest time." He'd avoided her eyes to hide the emotions brought up by his speech, and she might have caught sight of a little moisture in there. "Bonnie made me feel real love from the moment we became friend. And when I realised I was in love with her, it made me love life even more. Choosing to love her wasn't just about wanting her, it was choosing to see the world through better eyes, wanting everything to be better because she's amazing and she deserves to live a happy life. Surrounded by people she loves, who are happy and make her happy. I don't know what else to say, loving Bonnie was choosing to be a better me."

"And what about what you felt with me? Who did you think you were being with me?"

He had sighed, "Like I said, that wasn't real but, to be honest, I was trying to be whatever I felt Stefan or Matt or whoever couldn't offer you. I wanted to keep you all to myself and have you only rely on me, only trust me, so someone could finally see I was the good one, the better brother. And that's not your fault, we found you, projected a whole lot onto you and it was just…there was a Petrova puzzle piece and fitting it in just means getting the same part of the picture over and over again. Turns out, once you see the bigger picture, the first tiny corner you were obsessing over looks so insignificant. Loving you was myopic, it was a hyper-fixation that left room for so little else-" Elena had had enough of the way he was talking about loving her like it was a waste of time or training wheels for the real deal, so she interrupted him

"What's so wrong about being devoted to one person like that? You talk about us like, like we were poison, or some kind of toxic couple. I'm not asking you to crap over this relationship I don't remember having, because I don't see how that helps me prove to Bonnie you're over me. Sounds more like you find her easier to manage. I can't tell her that, can I?"

"Elena, whatever you think is a good relationship, we weren't it. Anyway, this isn't about you. Bonnie is a lot more complicated than you might think, at least in a romantic relationship. She had built up so many layers and defences. And some of it is because of how we all treated her."

Bristling, she'd replied "If this is about to be another guilt trip for when she was trapped, I'm not interested. And it's not as if everyone hasn't been bending over backwards to make it up to her since she came back."

She had felt mounting bitterness. Clearly everyone had been exaggerating their supposed love story. If they hadn't, wouldn't Damon still be fighting to get her back even without her memories? Wouldn't he have done doing what he was doing now with Bonnie? But instead he'd taken care of Bonnie, focused all on Bonnie, falling in love with her instead of getting Elena to fall in love with him.

Damon had frowned and replied, "Well that's the least we could all do. I can remember a time when we would all drop everything for you, and that was without you literally saving our lives countless times like Bonnie did. We pretty much treated her as a collateral to you. She had no separate identity, and we knew all we needed was to bring you up as motivation to get her doing whatever we wanted to. But, I'm not blaming you or trying to make you feel bad, I mean, our break up is not really about yo-"

"Yes, yes, I get it, It's not about me. Nothing has been about me for a little while, everyone revolves around Bonnie now right? We're suddenly all supposed to do anything to keep her happy. Well, if this is not about me, why would I go and talk to her then? It's not about me wanting to have my whole memory back or wanting to make sure I don't make a mistake in choosing the path I take for the rest of? It's all about you and your 'soulmate' getting back together. Why would I embarrass myself in front of Bonnie, if your relationship has nothing to do with me and I'm just a thing of the past? You know what, find someone else to be your little messenger because I don't see what I get out of it exactly except looking pathetic."

"Fine, you're probably embarrassed because you kissed me and I rejected you and I can see how awkward it would make you feel. I won't force you to talk to her about this if you don't want to. I'll just find some way for her to hear me out. But Elena," he'd then looked into her eyes, with intense disinterest, "you and I, we're over. We're not friends, we're nothing to each other. You're just my brother's ex and if you get your shit together, maybe my girlfriend's friend. Because if you can't put your ego away to help me fix this, and focus on not just how this affects me but on what it means for Bonnie to see herself as just a placeholder, then we have nothing to say to each other." The shock of his words had almost made her take a step back like Caroline's slap had. "You know it's real ironic that you're acting like this because the old you? She might have been over involved in whatever mess we were, but she was sure I loved Bonnie, a long time ago. Matt once told me that's what you said to him, that I love her in my own way. Look at where you are now, Elena, really think about it." He went to the door and held it wide open, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some wallowing to do before figuring out a plan to convince the love of my life that she is just that." She'd had no option other than to leave. She had made a terrible mistake.

"Bonnie, gosh, I am so so sorry" Elena blubbered.

"I know you are. You have always been when confronted with your part in my life- or death- but I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me. I need you to understand something, because I am not sure how your memories have changed. I don't how the compulsion of taking Damon out of the equation has changed what happened in our relationship in your mind since he was my main reason for putting distance between us. But what can't be ignored is that when I came back, it wasn't like I was suddenly a priority to you, or that my subdued and withdrawn state was any type of news that you needed to adjust to. I stayed in the periphery of your life and really only became relevant when you needed me, which has fortunately been not too much because we've had much fewer magical emergencies in the past year and half since we took care of Kai. But," she looked into Elena's eyes, "Elena, this past year and half has been some of the happiest I can ever remember and you were barely part of it. What does this say about us? About what we are to each other? What does it say that you knew I was with Damon, knew you were exes and that you could put our relationship in danger but you went behind my back anyway? I wasn't even holding out for some happily ever after with him you know? I was pretty much ready to step back once you guys worked your way back together." She paused, clearly getting emotional, "But I wasn't expecting this. I expected respect, from two people I love. You made my childhood brighter and Damon saved me from the darkness of my mind after Kai, I trusted you both. I actually wasn't prepared at all for this because Damon may be many things but he's always been faithful in a relationship and it never even crossed my mind that you would do something like that to me. I trusted that you wouldn't hurt me in this way, because even if we all know that Damon is yours, you didn't, not really. Without your memories, how could you have an inkling of the bond you guys had?" Elena's face was burning from this, even in this moment, her pride wouldn't let her admit to Bonnie what had really happened. The way Bonnie was so sure of them getting back together, even now. And how could she begin to explain that she had been envious of their relationship and that in her mind, she had started to think that it should have been her instead of Bonnie getting that amazing boyfriend. And everyone was constantly talking about how much Damon had loved her, never mind that it had slowly stopped not too long after Bonnie got back. In fact, the only person really consistently saying anything was Jeremy, who she spent more and more time with, as the group started to reshape itself around Bonnie and Damon as the glue. Of course, with hindsight, she wished she could slap herself. "I mean, after what happened with Jeremy, you'd think you would have considered my feelings. You know what it did to me. Or do you? Did you ever?" Elena winced at that, her ego quickly being swallowed by guilt. There was really no chance of her feeling less trash about what she did, because, of course, she had completely forgotten about that. Not even from the erased memories, just from carelessness. "Anyway, I don't want to rehash the past and Jeremy and I are okay now. But I want you to understand what you did and what it shows about how much you care about me. Elena, this is so messed up. How did we get here? I don't- I don't understand.." She choked up and sniffled, her confusion and sadness creating a hollow pain in Elena's heart.

"It's all my fault." Elena answered. "And I'm not just saying that because I want you to forgive me. It really is all my fault."

"Elena-"

"No, please. Please, let me finish. Let me get this out. You need to hear this." She inhaled in preparation for her tirade.

"I've been a selfish, awful, terrible friend, no, I've been a selfish, awful, terrible person. I feel so ashamed for the way I've been behaving, and even more with the way I've been treating you specifically. I think I've been shitty in general, but everyone else had something or someone else keeping them occupied enough to ignore the fact that I was terrible. Stefan was too busy agonising over not being a perfect vampire and finding redemption through me, I couldn't exactly be bad in his eyes could I? Caroline was sad, and getting over insecurities and then she was a vampire. Matt was getting over me, and then Vicki dying and then Caroline, and then learning all about the supernatural. And Damon? Damon, I don't even know since my memories are scrambled but, well he said…he was chasing the dream of rewriting his history with Katherine. That he never really loved or fully knew me. He told himself he just accepted everything about me because that was always his trump card with Katherine. She might have wanted Stefan more, but she felt freer with him. And-" she hesitated to continue but this was her night to lay it all out on the table and own up to what she did and who she had become, "honestly, I can't just blame it on our relationship because look at me now. As far as my memories are concerned, we weren't together, and yet, my brain didn't change your importance in my life to be more. Like you said, I didn't suddenly put you as my priority. I didn't frantically look for a way to bring you back until Damon got back. The truth was it was always me. Always. I just got used to be the centre of the group, I got used to the fact that when everyone wasn't in their own corner taking care of their own thing, it was for my benefit. But, my selfishness was definitely more pushed when it came to you. You're right, I helped Carolline during her transition, I forgave Damon for trying to kill Jeremy, Stefan for his ripper phase, heck, I was willing to work with the Mikealsons. I am so sorry Bonnie. I don't know what happened, I don't know how I became this person or why it's you who suffered the brunt of this but I need you to understand I will do anything to make it right. You don't have to forgive but you need to know that I understand what I've done to you, that I will carry it with me forever. You matter, Bonnie Bennett and I should never have been a person who made you doubt that."

She looked up as she felt her friend stop, Bonnie's eyes were full of tears. She reached to hold her hands, and then hugged her.

"Thank you Elena. I really appreciate this." She mumbled in her shoulder. Elena noticed for the first time in a long while, how small, how fragile, and how human her friend was. They stayed like this for a while and then continued walking in silence, with their thoughts racing through their minds.

—

As they approached Grams' house, Bonnie turned towards Elena. She looked resolute, but sad. And that made Elena sad. It made her feel awful that it had taken this much to finally have empathy for Bonnie who had been there for her through everything. She really did love her friend, and to only realise now how much she had been failing her for so long was devastating. But maybe this was what she needed to wake up. It broke her heart that it come at the expense of her closest friend, the girl she had wished were her actual sister somehow. She had loved Bonnie so dearly then, had wanted to take her away from that sad house and keep her happy, by her side.

"Listen Elena, I am not sure where we stand now, but I want to enjoy one more night with the longest friend I've had. Be my sister I remember for tonight. After that, I will need you to give me space. Give me time. And I hope you think more about what you did too, about who you are and who you want to be. And lastly, I really think you need to apologise to Damon too. Regardless of your status now, you didn't respect his relationship either, you didn't think about the fact that he might be losing a friend too. Even if he doesn't love me the way he loves you, he cares about me and we have been through so much together. You should have considered his feelings just as you should have considered mine. So I hope you apologise to him too. And explain yourself, he deserves that too."

"We've already talked, but you're right, I owe him a proper apology. I had no idea what I was costing him, on top of what I was costing you. Just please promise me one last thing? It's the last thing I'll ever ask you." Bonnie looked apprehensive but acquiesced. "Talk to Damon. You really need to hear him out. Not even for him, but for you." Now knowing what she knew, Elena realised that Bonnie to understand how much Damon loved her, how much he cared, how important she was to him. She needed to know that for once, someone was putting her first, loving her unconditionally.

"Oh-" Bonnie was surprised, "don't worry, I was going to tell him to meet me tomorrow. I think I was always going to hear him out eventually, he is my friend, I love him. You don't need to ask me to do that." Elena nodded in understanding, once again, she was reminded how little all of this was about her and how much she was prone to make it so. She really had a lot of thinking and growing up to do. And maybe one day, she would deserve even a tenth of the way they all cared about and for her for so long. Maybe she even would get her friend back. But first, she had to get herself together.