Ch 41- A Brave New Future

"Oh Elspeth." He said, his heart breaking at her words. Tears flooded his eyes as he reached up and ran all of his fingers through her hair. "My Elspeth." He whispered, cupping her cheek in his palm as she cried. "Don't mistake that you are the most wonderful wife and mother in the whole of the earth."

Carson paused, swallowing hard as he leaned his forehead against hers. He wanted to be of comfort but her words: 'our baby is dead' flooded his mind. He couldn't fathom that the baby they were expecting might really be gone.

"What did I do? I've wronged them: I've wronged all four of them Charlie. I set two up for failure, can't handle the third and lost the fourth." She sobbed, her voice cracking.

"You've only done everything you knew to do, and you've done it all perfectly, and I promise my Mrs. Hughes. I know in my heart and promise that… Elsie…."

"I can't… I can't handle being the mother of a dead babe Mr. Carson. I can't handle baring a dead babe think it'd break me." She bit her lip as she started to sob again.

Because she'd waited so long for them, Elsie was so much more grateful for her children than many mothers. She was entranced with them, deeply in love and the idea that she'd have to loose another one who'd been right under heart crushed her.

"Oh Elsie. Elspeth my love I won't let you be broken." He said, his own heart cracking. He held her tight, rocking her as she cried and kissed the dome of her head ever so gently. "I won't let you break, because whatever happens I'll be here to put all the pieces back together."

Neither said another word as she clutched his shirt and continued to sob, he simply rocked her, feeling his own heart breaking.

…..

"Mummy why we back with nanny?" Charlie asked as his mother took the three of them up the stairs.

Elsie's heart was heavy and her back ached. The next day came quickly and they'd decided not to send the children back to school at least not for now. She felt like a complete failure as a mother. How many other women like her had ever been able to say they had a nanny to help and yet still fell so short as a parent? Elsie didn't answer her son, consumed with her own thoughts about the twins, their schooling and most of all the deep pain in her back: she thought she was having a miscarriage but hadn't said anything to Carson or Mrs. Patmore yet.

"M'lady?" She asked, knocking on Cora's bedroom door once she'd taken the children up. Cora turned from her vanity in surprise, brightening suddenly when she saw Elsie.

"Please, come and sit." She said, noting her friend looked a bit pale.

Cora knew what had transpired at the school and was self aware enough to feel guilty, knowing she'd had a big impact on how the Carson twins saw the world.

"I don't think this is going to work." Elsie admitted and Cora sighed.

"I know it's not what you want. But why don't the twins just come to school with Benjamin? At least for now…they're used to Downton, really. And here they'll get a little bit more individual attention … we talked about having Charlie go to school with Benjamin or at least to Ripon Grammar… this would prepare him better for that."

"Cora… There are some differences between our children that…" Cora paused, knowing immediately what Elsie was saying. The Scottish woman continued. "There has to be life beyond Downton for them, m'lady. They have to be able to see a life that's possible for them."

Cora paused not knowing how to reply to that, something inside her knew the twins would be better off staying at Downton, that itwas necessary for their future, but didn't very well feel she could debate the children's mother on what was best for them.

"I know." The American offered. "But at least, please give it a try. Let them stay a day or two, talk to the tutor and see how it goes. I promise that either way they'll be prepared for the real world."

….

"Mummy why you hurt so much?" Charlotte asked concerned from her place in the bathtub.

Elsie was in pain and wished she would've asked Mrs. Patmore to bathe Charlotte that evening.

"I-I don't know." She managed, clutching the edge of the tub.

"Mummy… is baby okay?" She whispered.

Elsie looked up and into her daughter's sad brown eyes, her heart breaking a little at the thought that the child was so desperate for the sake of her unborn sibling.

"Yes I'm okay… I'm okay." Elsie winced.

…..

Several days passed and Elsie was floored to have gained a little weight rather than lost the baby. Her back was still sore and she wondered what could be going on. She'd had a hint of the back pain before, but it'd never been as strong as this. She stopped and took a deep breath, leaning against the wall for comfort. Elsie found that the stairs were a place of great refuge for her. She could stop and think and relax her tense muscles as she went to and from. Right now, she was dropping off linens to the dining room, after which she and Carson were to meet with Downton's tutor for the first time.

Elsie didn't like the plan, but Carson was satisfied. The village school had been her dream, but instead the twins seemed to be doing better at the abbey's private school originally intended only for Master Benjamin. She was surprised that virtually everyone agreed with Carson and Cora. Even Lady Mary had been more keen about the twins attending school in the house, citing the fact that:

'It's always more fun with three than with one.'

Only Mr. Molesley sympathized with Mrs. Carson. But even he, as a man with a lot of knowledge and as it turned out an interest in education, had sat down with the twins and reported back to their mother that they were both more than average but that he couldn't tell her why exactly.

Elsie reluctantly made her way into Downton's school room to find her husband already there. It was an old-fashioned looking place, the desks from the time of the fifth earl of Grantham, and until recently it'd also been a very disorderly and dusty one, having been abandoned years before when Lady Sybil finished her lessons there.

"Mrs. Carson." The tutor greeted as she sat next to her husband, feeling the sharp pain edge up her back again. "I think I'd like to start with the brightest of the three…" He said, looking through some paperwork on his desk.

The couple gave a moment of pause Carson's heart filling with pride because he knew the smartest of the three was his Charlotte. The twins had even said it the night before. They'd had dinner at home and Charlotte had voiced that her new classes were also a bit easy, while Charlie had complained that they were even more boring and requested that his father teach him rugby instead.

"Charlie." The teacher said.

"Charlie?!" The Carsons gave a collective gasp.

Don't misunderstand, the love that Carson and Elsie held in their hearts for their oldest son was unparalleled. And they did think he was bright, just not in an academic sense. Charlotte liked to read, and had shown interest in mathematics: he did not (even though he could).

"Yes, Charlie is head and shoulders above his sister and Benjamin as well."

"A-are you sure?"

Elsie wanted to ask if he'd meant her son who she'd had to drag to class the morning prior. Carson's head spun and the revelation and the idea piqued Elsie's interest.

"Then why doesn't he care about school?" Carson asked.

"He's the brightest, but he doesn't care so much about academia because he's imaginative."

"Imaginative?" Carson asked, almost disgusted by the word it seemed. "I didn't raise anyone to be imaginative."

The teacher laughed. "Imaginative. He's special. You didn't teach him: it's just who he is. He doesn't want to be taught something old when he can think of something new."

Carson paused, for a moment having a huge problem with this. It wasn't how he'd planned on raising his son; it wasn't who he wanted him to be.

"But Mr. Carson, it's a wonderful thing: your son's gifted."

He handed them a picture Charlie had drawn, yet another airplane, this one far more fantastic than the one before. Carson considered for a moment that flying had been impossibility when he was a boy, but yet for Charlie, it seemed to open up a world of possibilities to him.

The teacher continued. "I can understand that it's a surprise. Charlotte is an eager student and I see why you thought her the more promising student and in these changing times, I know she'll have a lot of opportunity, but Charlie. In the changing world Charlie has a lot of promise and I promise you will be anything he desires."

The teacher's words had started off Elsie's tears and when they got in the hall she turned to her husband and kissed him.

"It wouldn't have been this way for them had they been born sooner and besides that, you're a wonderful mother." He reassured.

"Oh Charlie he can be anything he wants… do you think really, do you think they could really have a different future?" She asked her eyes for once filled with happy tears.

She so badly wanted her children to have a future she had not, and a ticket out of servitude she'd previously thought that a Downton education would be a ticket back to it, but now she wasn't so sure.

"I think they'll have a brave new future my Mrs. Hughes." He soothed, kissing the tip of her nose, his voice low and rumbling.

"Lucy too?" She asked, looking down at her tiny but obviously rounded frame.

He paused, looking down at the babe who'd almost yet to show its self, not knowing if he should promise his desperate wife a thing, but in faith he decided to take a chance.

"Yes Mrs. Hughes, our Lucy too."

….

"No m'lad. " Elsie giggled as Sam lifted up his shirt and looked at his tummy. "The baby's in mummy's tummy, not in Samuel's my silly lad."

Sam was confused and looked down at his own chubby baby tummy. Elsie reached over and began to tickle him. He started to giggle thunderously and squealed aloud as she kissed his cheek.

"Oh my baby Samuel. Your poor tired mummy's going to have another baby, a brother or a sister like Charlie or Charlotte, did you know that?"

Sam cooed, gurgling baby slobber as he looked up clueless at his mom. Elsie had announced her news to the whole house during Sam's birthday party and every one was ecstatic. She was sure though, that Sam didn't understand even after several weeks. She took his tiny hand and placed it on her side. Samuel giggled, feeling something there.

Elsie had not felt the baby kick yet (even though she could feel it move a bit now). This child seemed to have a very low level of activity compared with its siblings and she was still very worried about it. Even so, Sam could feel something different under his mother's skin today and was unsure what it was. But he had no idea that it was a special day: it was official she was five months along.

"Would my wee lad like to hold the spoon?" Elsie asked, bouncing him slightly on her hip.

Sam looked on, interested as his mother handed him the wooden spoon. He clasped onto it with careful, tiny fingers, shaking it proudly once he realized he had a good grip on it.

"There's my wee lad." Elsie said, kissing the side of his head as he squealed.

Samuel kept a firm grip on the spoon as he shoved the tail end of it in his mouth, beginning to chew. Elsie sighed.

"I don't know what to make of that lad, baby slobber all over the soup spoon, what will your da think, hmm?" She asked gently as he continued to gnaw on it.

Slowly Elsie began to hum as she added vegetables to the sizzling soup, swaying her now full hips back and forth as her tune turned from a gentle murmur to a joyous song. Sam squealed as his mother recanted the tune that had been stuck in her head, the one played the night prior at the small concert at Downton. Sam rocked in her arms, even as she rocked him and deep inside, Elsie could feel her youngest doing the same…. But not quite kicking.

"May I have this dance my very handsome little lad?" She asked, kissing the side of his head as she continued to hum and began to dance around the kitchen.

Sam looked up at his mother, adoration evident in his big blue eyes. She giggled into his ear as she danced with him, whispering to him: "You're a very handsome dance partner just like your daddy." She said, not noticing that Sam was practically swinging the spoon.

"Ouch." She said quietly when it hit her belly. Sam looked down, feeling that he'd hit something.

"Ooooo." He mumbled, looking back up at her when he fully realized that her belly was different.

He looked down again, noting he'd been sitting on it all this time and wondering how he could not have noticed before. As well as being her fifth month, it was the first day that Elsie really, truly showed and she couldn't wait to show Charlie who'd left the house almost before dawn. She'd discovered it when she woke and he was long gone to the house. Elsie was so relieved of the baby's growth she'd cried buckets.

"Don't hurt baby brother Samuel, no my love." She urged, rocking him still and continuing to dance. He started to laugh again when she began to sing and went back to her work assembling the soup.

"Daddy!" The twins cried collectively, running down the stairs when they heard him come down the door.

"There you are!" Carson laughed deeply, reaching down to collect his twin children in his embrace.

Carson had had a profoundly good day. This baby thing had been weighing heavily on his heart and of course he'd not confessed that to anyone. Elsie had dropped a bombshell on him when she'd told him her news, one that had overwhelmed him with a powerful mix of emotions. At the time, he was shocked and wasn't sure how (with his job in peril) he'd afford another wee dependent. Four was an awful lot to contend with, somehow a far cry from three.

A part of him had even been a little angry with her when she told him she was pregnant: they had just had a baby! Charlie would never forget when something inside of him groaned as the word baby rolled off her lips. It was an emotion for which he felt deeply ashamed, but at the same time, held a deep understanding of.

He was getting old, too old for new fatherhood. He could feel in his soul and in the creaking of his bones… and yet something else, something that reverberated off of her tongue at sound of that same word: baby made his heart soar with a pride so deep it was nearly uncontainable and despite his qualms he felt himself utterly blissful in a mere instant.

And then the worry followed. Originally he'd been the one who'd strongly desired a fourth child, and had even asked Elsie about trying again when Samuel was a new little baby. In hindsight, Carson felt a deep, foreboding regret for the hesitation he'd felt when Elsie had broken the news. This was a baby he'd wanted (and although he'd never admit it, a baby he'd persuaded her into conceiving). At first, he'd been dumbfounded, nearly in disbelief, when Elsie's morning sickness had been so violent, but when the baby failed to grow under her skin his worry had transformed into a bitter regret he had admitted to no one. Had his momentary hesitation done this to his much wanted baby? In the past few weeks, Carson had been more overwhelmed by this concern than he could say. He was not a man of science or of medicine and like Lord Grantham he did not enjoy medical detail…. But he was knowledgeable enough to understand that something was not right and devastated that he could be at fault.

Moreover, he felt guilty: for the fight they'd had, the stress he'd put her though and for not knowing what to do about the twins. But today, just all of a sudden he felt at peace. He'd been thinking, searching his heart and there he found unspoken words: confidence and love for his wife, and a vow for his new child. Carson smiled up at his Elsie as he held their twins, at first just seeing her face and noting that she was glowing (just as he was). He couldn't wait to tell her how, in the middle of the day, something had softened his heart assuring him the baby was fine, and confidently he fell in love again with the idea of falling in love.

Jubilant, Carson lifted his twins into his arms, kissing each of their cheeks several times. Ordinarily, he would not have approved of how loud they were when they greeted him, but he was very glad they were so excited to see him.

"Oh hello my beautiful children." He soothed, rocking them in his arms.

A tear trickled down Elsie's cheek, her heart bursting at the sound of his confident booming voice lovingly addressing their babies.

"Samuel look, look Daddy's home!" She called.

Carson felt washed anew inside. And somehow, it seemed like he hadn't seen Elsie in days. She was at the stove, Sam on her hip holding the wooden spoon soaked in soup.

"Oh Elsie look at you." He gasped, noticing the rest of her suddenly. He could've dropped the twins at the sight of her, but instead retreated to her side, his heart swelling with relief. "You…"

"It's quite the sight isn't it Mr. Carson?" She asked, tears coming to her eyes.

The two came to an understanding without uttering a syllable, sighing in relief at each other's gaze that their new baby really was going to be all right. Charlie and Charlotte saw the relief in their parent's gaze but did not have an understanding of it.

"He grew!" His heart leapt. "He grew!"

The Carson's both started to sniffle, and stared back lost in each other's eyes. Charlotte watched, understanding that something beyond her reasoning was transpiring. She soaked it in as something deep and memorable, but Charlie paid no mind and instead asked the question that had been on his mind all day.

"Daddy, you still love mummy if she get fat again?" Charlie asked and Elsie burst out laughing.

"Oh my son I may love her even more." Carson said, tearfully gazing into his wife's eyes.

…

Elsie moaned, arching her back. She clutched the sheets beneath her, tilting her head as he made his way down, one big, loving, sloppy kiss at a time. He started at the lips, making his way slowly down her neck, cupping her breast in his hand as he descended upon her collarbone, caressing her flesh with his lips in such a way that she knew it would leave a decided mark. Elsie cried out as he moved down, his kisses growing sweeter, but less passionate by the inch. And as he reached her now blossoming belly, he placed a final kiss right on the center.

He got on his hands and paused, hanging over her but not saying a word. She smiled deeply, knowing by the look in his eye that he was about to confess something from the heart.

"Oooh!" Elsie jumped suddenly.

"What? What?" Carson asked, panicking a bit.

"It kicked. He kicked!" She said quickly, grabbing one of his hands and placing it on her side.

"He... he kicked!" He laughed.

"I think that's a sign someone is going to be a wee daddy's lad or lass." She giggled.

Carson's heart sighed. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, saying nothing as he rolled over beside her and took her in his arms, her stomach pressed firmly into his. He kissed her deeply as grateful tears streamed down her cheeks. Growing had been a big confirmation. But the fact that the baby had made its presence known gave her confidence; assuring her she was nurturing a healthy, living child. Before now, she'd considered the possibility that she was carrying a child who had passed on and would be stillborn, but had not mentioned it to anyone.

"My Mrs. Hughes. I've had quite a thought today." He began, his forehead against hers. She closed her eyes and paused, taking in the feel of her newest child as it kicked.

"Hmmm?"

"My Mrs. Hughes, you've made me… well you've rather made me like change."

"You?!" She laughed.

"Me. Feel that?" He asked of the baby's soft kicks. "Those are changes. And while changes are messy and turbulent."

"And frightening."

"Yes and frightening." He said, kissing her forehead. "You and all you've given me, remind me that even as time goes on, and things become uncertain… and we become frightened…there is always a miracle." He said, placing his large hands on either side of her bare belly. "That's worth every bit of trepidation."

"Oh Mr. Carson." She giggled. "Oh how I love you."