Ch 45- Lucy

In some way Elsie had lied to the twins. Lucy was very tiny, the smallest of her siblings by far and the notion worried her exhausted mother. Less than an hour had passed since Lucy was born and yet so much had transpired. Elsie found herself overwhelmed lying alone in bed cradling her tiny newborn.

"My beautiful wee baby." Elsie whispered, brushing Lucy's soft reddish blonde hair with a kiss. "My most perfect wee girl."

Elsie closed her eyes, beginning to cry as she kissed the baby a second time.

"Oh my girl!" She sobbed. Elsie was so grateful she could scarcely breathe.

Unlike everyone else, she'd understood where she and Lucy had just been, skirting on the edge of life and death. No experience had ever brought her closer to that point and following it she would never see anything: not a day in her life, not her child's eyes or her husbands smile the same again.

"We're so blessed my treasure. That I could keep you and you me."

Elsie was happy to be alone finally, to have no one touching her. It wasn't simply emotional, but physical, guttural: she had to sob. She'd been crying ever since labor started. First out of pain, then fear and finally joy. But this was completely different. Her body simply had to vent.

The children had come up as soon as they'd gotten upstairs, excited to see their baby sister and relieved to know their mum was all right. But after only a few minutes, Carson had announced that it was time for bed and time to let mummy rest. Charlie had gone downstairs to close the house for the night, taking the children back to the nursery in the process. Elsie had also been grateful that Mrs. Crawley had taken that exact moment to usher everyone else out of the area and go downstairs to wait for Dr. Clarkson.

"You're the most beautiful wee baby: my girl."

Elsie's whole being was in shock: mind, body and soul. She was weak, bleeding, tired, and still filthy from the aftermath of the baby's birth but did not mind. Beyond that, something about this newborn's presence catapulted her back to another time in a way her sibling's births hadn't. Suddenly, Elsie could more clearly feel the pain from a time when she was barren and desperate for a baby and the contrast to having just endured a violent birth, and having a baby in her arms was shocking.

Elsie marveled at the girl, barely believing she could be real. Lucy was by far the smallest of all of her children and somehow it didn't seem feasible that she could be real. She ran her finger over the baby's face, a tear running gently down her cheek as she watched the newborn girl nibble on her hand, her eyes shut tight.

"Oh my precious wee thing." She started to sob, a brand new realization hitting her; of how blessed she was to be the mum of four beautiful babies.

"My Elsie I am back." Carson spoke softly, concern catching in his breath. His sobbing wife to looked up.

"She's perfect." Elsie said, tears in her eyes.

"Mrs. Carson." Isobel knocked on the door. The couple looked up suddenly. "Dr. Clarkson is here." She smiled.

….

"Hello my Lucybelle." Carson smiled, rocking his newborn baby as he walked down the hall.

It'd been hard to know what to do, but at Isobel's suggestion she and Dr. Clarkson had decided to attend to Elsie first because the physical trauma of the birth obviously rested on her and she was suffering for it.

"Take her for her first walk, Charlie." Elsie said weakly.

"Are you sure?" He'd asked hesitantly.

"Yes. I'll see you my love in a minute."

Elsie was exhausted and knew her husband also needed a break, not to mention the private bonding moments with their baby she'd previously gotten. Carson didn't like the idea of leaving his wife in her state, but told himself it was just for a minute.

Carson stepped out of the room, focusing his attention on his brand new baby, cradling her very gently in his hands her entire head fitting in his palm with ease. He was in love with all of his children, but infatuated with this one in an instant. Like his wife she was so strong, and so very tiny. If Samuel was Elsie's mini Mr. Carson, Lucy was certainly his tiny Mrs. Hughes.

"Lucybelle." He whispered, tears in his eyes.

Carson found himself awed that she was there with him, the tiny girl he'd wanted so desperately. Her nose, mouth and still shut-eyes seemed particularly tiny to him. She was like the most perfect of little dolls and he found himself overwhelmed that she might be real. The hour old baby was lethargic and still hadn't been bathed after her birth.

She didn't look like her siblings – well she did, but this one had little bits of red hair instead of auburn. The twins and Sam had dark auburn hair that was predominantly red and at times would start to fade darker like their mother's but this little one's hair, what bit she had, was so light it faded into strands of blonde and he found that fascinating. Blonde. How on earth could she be at all blonde? Carson chuckled remembering he'd hoped the baby would favor him and then here she was: blonde. He wondered where she'd gotten it from then recalled being told Becky looked that way as a small child.

"Hello Lucy Carson." He whispered. "I'm your Daddy, love. It's so very wonderful to meet you." He whispered still, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You and mummy mean so much to daddy." He whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. Carson was deeply touched by not just the birth but also, the lives of all his children, this tiniest one being no exception. "And he's so happy… he gets to know you and love you." He kissed her forehead.

Lucy yawned, snuggling into his arms. He studied her face carefully noting that she had, without a doubt, Elsie's cheekbones and probably her smile too although it would be a while before they'd know about that for sure. And then there was the nose, which he worried was his. It was so little he could not tell yet.

"Lucy." He whispered again when her eyes started to open. "Hello my girl, I'm your Daddy." He smiled deeply as her little eyes tried to focus on him.

He was overwhelmed, excited that her eyes were, for the moment, just like his. Carson thought it fitting, the boys had Elsie's eyes, and his girls had his. He rocked Lucy, cradling her carefully in his embrace. He worried about Elsie, but the baby comforted him, serving as evidence that everything would be all right.

"Daddy loves you, my girl. May you always be that: a promise that all will be well when all hope was lost." After all, that's what her birth had been.

"Carson." Dr. Clarkson stuck his head out the door. His head jerked up and his heart began to pound. "We need you now."

….

Carson hadn't thought it would go this way and despite the all the fear they'd endured that night he was grateful just as she was, knowing it could've been so much worse.

"OOOOWWWW." Elsie cringed, squeezing his hand.

Clarkson had called him back in the room with the news that his wife needed to be sewn up. It wasn't a new experience; the same thing having happened after Samuel was born. Carson had been terrified when it happened, thinking that she was far more injured than she was, that he might loose her, or that he might never have relations with her again. This time he knew better, but still worried for her comfort and wished he could take the pain from her.

"Elsie it's alright." He whispered. "It's going to be alright."

"Ouch! I'm fine Charlie." She insisted weakly.

Clarkson had given her something for the pain as soon as he'd arrived. Compared with having Lucy, this felt like nothing to her even though she acknowledged the pain.

"Mrs. Patmore has drawn you a bath." Isobel indicated. "Mr. Carson I plan on staying through the night…"

"Mrs. Crawley you're too kind." Carson smiled, holding the newborn in one arm and allowing his wife to squeeze his other hand.

"Much, much too kind." Elsie smiled.

"I'm sorry I couldn't get here quickly enough." Dr. Clarkson apologized, packing his medical bag. "But you certainly know you owe a lot of thanks to Mrs. Crawley."

Dr. Clarkson was impressed. She'd successfully nursed Mrs. Carson through a birth he wasn't sure he'd be able to navigate. The entire thing made him fall more in love with her than he was and something about the whole matter simply stung, leaving him not with a joy he couldn't shake but a heart that just ached.

Isobel smiled, feeling all too flattered by his words.

"Yes we do owe a debt of gratitude to Mrs. Crawley." Carson indicated. He was about to continue, but Clarkson spoke again.

"Mrs. Carson, I'm very impressed with you as well. You need to rest, relax… take advantage of the fact that you have a lot of help with the baby. Lucy's tiny, but a healthy lass. Her bruises are from the birth and will disappear. And you should also heal very quickly I think…"

"That's wonderful." She yawned. "Sorry."

"No, no please Mrs. Carson, sleep, relax." He laughed quietly, then just stopped.

Clarkson paused, not wanting to air the last thing he had to say. Carson could see it in his eyes. The other man's hesitancy made him angry and he almost just blurted out 'come out with it!' Finally, Clarkson gathered himself.

"Mrs. Carson there is just one thing…"

He didn't want to say it, to ruin their happy day but he figured he had to, that it was something that could save them a lot of heartache down the road and given how quickly Lucy had come after Samuel he knew he couldn't wait.

"Well?" Carson asked. Isobel too furrowed her brow in curiosity, but Elsie could already feel it coming. She knew and she'd known.

"Mrs. Carson you don't…plan on more children?"

"No, no. Lucy's our last lass." She said, adjusting to the idea that it was time for her to sleep.

Carson looked down at his newborn in saddened surprise when she said this. He wasn't really surprised as it were, having known this already. They were too old for Lucy and her siblings too; anything beyond this would be ridiculous. But it was a shock to say it, to live it, when they'd spent their entire married lives wanting so badly to have the baby he held in his arms. Something about the revelation stung.

"Mrs. Carson. I want to stress that you'll be quite well within a few week's time but… it was a stressful birth one most women… one that wouldn't have been survivable without the likes of a nurse like Mrs. Crawley."

"Dr. Clarkson I know that. Trust me I know that."

He sighed. "Mrs. Carson you'll come out of this healthy and able to live a full life." Carson sighed with slight relief, understanding his intonation. "But you mustn't become pregnant again: it could kill you."

Beryl came and saw Clarkson out, the enormity of his words sinking in for the Carsons. Of course they hadn't planned on a child after Lucy, in fact the original idea had been for Samuel to be the baby but… to be told, once again that they couldn't have children… it instantly brought back old wounds and a sense of deep heartache for the once barren couple.

Elsie knew it was ridiculous. She was the proud mother of four now and nothing could change that. She had every reason to be over the moon and she was… but something about the doctor's words stung. It'd been so unexpected. Carson felt that sentiment wholly, wondering about something quite different than his wife. Would the nature of their very loving and even more intimate relationship change now that they were trying to avoid the very thing they'd always sought to get themselves into? If one thing was true, years of trying for a baby to no avail, and years of being kept apart because their marriage was a secret had kept their intimate life passionate, made them fall deeper in love and most of all, made them closer than most people could imagine.

Both were exhausted, and now jarred but the night was still young: there was a lot to be done.

"It's ridiculous Charlie." Elsie said, taking the baby when Isobel left the room.

"Hmmm."

"Our being sad."

It didn't have to be said, one knew the other well enough to know what they were thinking before they thought it.

"Yes it is my love. When our greatest joys are here, safely in our arms, slumbering in the nursery downstairs."

"That's right." She said, delighting in getting to hold Lucy. "Nothing can steal my joy tonight. I won't allow it."

"Nor mine m'love."

The couple was adamant about this. While a little saddened by Clarkson's words, baby Lucy healed their hearts and brought them back to the incredible joy they'd been feeling. Carson leaned down and kissed Elsie deeply, knowing that nothing he could ever do would be enough to show his gratitude or his joy for the life and the wonderful children she'd given him.

"You're my everything Elsie. I love you to the end of the age."

"I adore you Charlie Carson, I adore you beyond measure."

"Mrs. Carson I…" Isobel stopped, noting the kiss when she came in. "Pardon me I…"

"Charlie should we tell her?"

"Let's." He smiled.

"Me? Tell me what?"

In an instant, the Carsons knew what they were going to say, and could feel that the words, once spoken, would heal the discovery of their newfound barrenness.

"Mrs. Crawley you… you've been such a vital part of our lives now." Carson began.

"You helped us have the miracle babies, babies I wasn't supposed to be able to have…you taught me how to nurse the twins, you cared for Samuel for days. You brought all our precious dream babies into the world."

"And you saved our Lucy's life."

"Oh. Oh it was no trouble at all." Isobel teared up; secretly very proud that she'd done all these things. "I was honored to help."

"Yes but that's why, Mrs. Crawley we'd like to formally introduce you to your namesake." Carson said.

"N-name what?"

"Mrs. Crawley." Elsie said, elevating her baby a bit for the other woman to see. "This is Lucy Isobel Carson."

"OH!" She cried. "That's… that's so lovely of you."

"We had to Mrs. Crawley, we are firmly indebted to you."

…

The Carson's gesture touched Isobel deeply and she found herself sobbing as she headed to bed. She'd offered to take the baby to her room for the night but Carson had decided to keep her himself. He sat awake in a chair, holding the newborn as his exhausted wife snored.

"That all went better than I thought it would Lucybelle." He told her as she yawned.

Within a few moments, Carson drifted off to sleep, and to the worst thing his mind could conceive of…

…...

"What?" Carson thundered, seeing sheer panic on Mrs. Crawley's face.

Isobel paused, biting her lip and trying to decide what to say. Carson had noted that from the moment they'd come down the stairs and seen Elsie's state.

"What?!" Mrs. Patmore asked urgently, allowing Elsie to squeeze her hand tight.

"Mrs. Patmore, please call for the car and when Dr. Clarkson gets here, tell him to meet us at the hospital."

"WHAT?!" Carson, Elsie and Beryl asked at once.

Elsie tried to sit up, wanting to ask her own questions but Carson took her and gently laid her back down.

"The baby's transversed." Isobel explained calmly.

"Trans what?" Beryl asked.

"Backside first?" Carson assumed.

"OOOOHHHHH!" Elsie cried out.

"No. I'm afraid it's back first, Mr. Carson." Isobel spoke over Elsie's scream. She couldn't help it: nothing in her life had ever hurt so much.

"Oh my god!" Beryl cried as Carson looked down at his wife, trying to register this information.

Isobel looked down when Elsie took a deep, labored breath. Carson was scared. One minute she was in the kitchen, feeling fine and he'd gone up to serve dinner. And when she came back down she was in hard labor, as if she'd been at it for hours, and maybe she had. Nevertheless, he'd never seen her like this, it was almost like she was at the end, with Sam: and that terrified him. He knew in his gut that something had to be wrong for it to happen this quickly.

"Mrs. Patmore please … the car."

"Oh!" She scrambled, getting up and quickly leaving the room.

"The hospital, really?" Carson asked, holding Elsie close.

"Is my baby going to be alright?" Elsie asked, squeezing her eyes shut tightly and grabbing her husband's big strong hand with both of hers.

She'd known something was wrong the instant her water broke, but was too worried about her baby to care much for herself. The pain was unbearable. She didn't know where it came from, but she had the urge to breathe, in and out in and out, and kept doing it to steady herself.

"We'll have to take you into surgery." She said. "Via caesarian."

"Is that safe?" Carson asked, seeming almost affronted by the suggestion, his wife clutching his sleeve and nearly doubling over.

Isobel didn't respond. He knew she was panicked too and that made him panic but he swallowed it.

"Hmmmmm-aahhhhh!" Elsie cried and Carson almost jumped.

"DON'T push. Don't push Mrs. Carson, I know you want to."

"Already?" Carson was panicked.

"Yes. She's ready, but the baby cannot come out this way. Not only would it kill you." She paused, Elsie squirming when she said this. "But it cannot happen, it isn't possible. Mr. Carson if you can help me get her to the car when it comes."

"I will carry her." He said, resolved.

"Charlie your back!" Elsie cautioned.

"You know I can do it." He reminded, lifting her into his arms in one swift motion.

"Ooohhh!" She cried again.

"Mrs. Carson I know it's painful and scary but it'll be over soon. We'll have a baby out without any painful pushing."

"Naaaahahhhh!"

…..

"Charlie." She whispered, looking up into his eyes as he held her.

It was pitch black out and the dim lights of the car reflected in Elsie's eyes as Carson stared down into them, hoping the fear he felt didn't' show in his own eyes, just as the terror she was experiencing did.

"It's okay. I've got you. My darling, I've got you." He said, cradling her in his arms like a baby.

"I'm so scared." She whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair. She cringed, shutting her eyes tight.

He was scared too, but wouldn't show it. He'd watched her have three babies but had never seen her labor so hard. He closed his eyes, kissing her forehead before pressing his against hers. She placed their clasped hands on stomach, biting her lip as she started to cry.

"Dashing away with the smoothing iron she stole my heart away." He whispered. Elsie giggled through the pain, biting her lip.

Isobel could hear this all from the front seat and started to cry softly, touched by their words.

"Oh my Charlie. Aaaaaaggghhh!"

"I'm here, I'm here love."

"Oh Charlie. Oh Charlie you have my heart always, no matter what."

"And you have mine." He whispered, placing his hand flat on her belly.

The Carsons didn't know each other both felt the same way. From that moment on, each few seconds passed like the slowest, most uncertain of heartbeats. Like a dragged out boom, boom, boom, the kind that shook you to the core, adding to your already frantic panicked state. Carson was beyond panicked and could barely hold back tears as he walked into the hospital and laid Elsie on a waiting stretcher.

"I love you my precious. I love you."

"I-aaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

He couldn't stand taking his hands off of her; it was symbolic of a painful letting go.

"Now!" Clarkson cried, coming down the hall behind him. He'd rushed back to the hospital the minute he'd arrived at Downton.

"Charlie!" Elsie cried as the nurses started to wheel her away.

"I'll be here. I'll be here!"

Carson swallowed the lump in his throat and Isobel paused a beat before following Clarkson down the hall.

"Can't I go in, please? Whatever happens. I can handle it. I need to be with her."

Isobel reached over and squeezed Carson's hand. "She'll be fine." She promised. "We'll be out soon. Very soon."

And so Carson's long hour of waiting began.