Ch 46- A Merry Little Christmas

* Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas was actually written in 1944 but I couldn't resist using it here.

December 19, 1920

"Nooooo Sam!" Charlotte giggled, tying the blue woolen hat tighter around her baby brother's chubby cheeks.

Sam raised his little eyebrow, confused as to what was going on. He wanted to know why his big sister held him so tight, where mummy was, and why daddy was pulling them all on the sled through the snow.

"Sam its tree day!" Charlie cried.

Every year the family made the long trek to the other side of the village to obtain their Christmas tree. Having been far too little at the time, Sam didn't remember the previous year's voyage, which he'd spent asleep in his mother's arms. This year the journey came late following Elsie's traumatic delivery of Lucy barely four days earlier. Today was the family's first day back at home, and despite her exhaustion, Elsie had insisted that Charlie take the children and get a tree.

Carson smiled deeply as he listened to his three young children chatter, tears coming to his eyes in gratitude that he was not destined to be left to parent them on his own, and that instead he and Elsie would grow old together and enjoy their first Christmas with their now full family. The butler found himself so filled with joy he thought his heart might burst.

Even so, he was still frantic about his wife's weakened condition and had put her to bed straight away when they got home, doing what he could to wait on her and Lucy with the twins and Sam underfoot. Sam gurgled happily, clapping at the sensation of Charlotte's hug.

"I can't believe how much they've grown this year Mr. Carson!" The tree man exclaimed when they arrived.

Year in and out, the twins never remembered him, but they never forgot the annual voyage into the vast field of Christmas trees that they looked forward to all throughout the year.

"Daddy, daddy let Sam choose!" Charlie pled for his brother.

"Yeah." Charlotte agreed. "He's never gotten to choose before."

Carson laughed. "How about we all choose, my children?"

"Heeeeeeeee!" Sam covered his eyes, laughing out loud. He reached up and pointed at a nearby tree, much too high for Downton let alone the Carson cottage.

"We could put it in the garden." Charlie reasoned hopefully, liking his baby brother's choice.

"I was thinking something more… cozy." Carson reasoned, admiring his sons' ambition.

…

The baby boy was enthralled by the new tradition with which he was partaking and less taken with his brand new baby sister. Sam was happy when his father took him out, thinking he'd come home and find mummy's arms waiting, that tiny crying thing gone. But the boy couldn't have been more wrong.

"Well hello my Samuel." Elsie soothed, new baby in her arms when they all came in the door. Carson carried the tree in one hand, Samuel in the other.

"Mummy. Should be resting." Her husband said sternly as Charlie and Charlotte worked at their father's feet like little elves, scrambling to and fro to gather the Christmas decorations from the root cellar.

Elsie giggled and leaned over to kiss her husband about to speak when there was a knock at the door. The knocker paused barely a beat before turning the nob. Carson didn't have a moment to respond in defense of his family when Beryl emerged from the frame, Daisy and Baxter at her heals their arms full.

"What's this?" Elsie asked, surprised.

"I should say what's this?!" Carson asked, his eyes wide.

He didn't need to ask, he would've known exactly what it was a mile away: he smelled roast and soup and all kinds of wonderful things. Carson was relieved. He'd thought he'd have to cook that night… It would've been a difficult task given that he was bad at it, had a fragile wife and newborn to care for, and three children underfoot (one of whom was always hungry…). Sam clapped, excited by the idea of food. Over emotional still, Elsie started to cry.

"You didn't have to!" She started, grateful for her friend's massive effort. Even at first glance all the Carsons could tell that Beryl had brought them many days worth of food.

"Oh yes I did! And what in the Lord's name are you doing up and out of bed?!"

…

December 24th, 1920

"Hmmmm why do we always have a child in our bed Mrs. Hughes?" He groaned.

"Because we have four now Mr. Carson." She giggled groggily.

"I'd rather hoped to partake in the activity that got us here." He teased. "Just to be close to you."

She smiled, sighing, her eyes closed. "That sounds wonderful, however…"

One and a half year old Sam lay between his parents snoring and newborn Lucy rested in her bassinet at her mother's side.

"Two babies and two six-year-olds Mrs. Hughes that seems so hard to believe."

"Much too difficult to believe. Charlie?"

"Hum…"

"Lucy's our last lass."

"I know." He said quietly.

In the end, Dr. Clarkson had finished his explanation when he came to check on Elsie and Lucy at home a few days after the difficult birth. It, he said, was Samuel's fault. Or rather, what had happened to Lucy, her odd position in the womb and her traumatic birth had likely been caused by Samuel's size. He'd stretched his mother out and as a result his much smaller sister had had too much room, the whole thing was further aggravated by Elsie continuing to hold the mammoth boy when she was pregnant, which had caused everything inside her to shift. Elsie felt guilty but Sam, who'd been present at the time, just giggled at the news.

"Dr. Clarkson doesn't think it'll be possible for me to have a baby, say a year from now… I'd rather like to ensure there are no accidents in the next year… not that our child could be an accident Mr. Carson." She said, smiling down at Sam.

"I understand wholly." It hurt his heart to have to discuss this.

"I'm afraid I don't know much about it about… avoiding it. I've spent most of my adult life hoping and praying such a lovely thing could happen to us."

"Oh and it has." He laughed, smiling down at Sam. "Four wonderful times over Mrs. Hughes and I wouldn't change a bit of it for the world."

"Nor would I." She closed her eyes as he leaned over their baby to kiss her. "But I'm unsure we ever could've dreamed a year and a half ago when Sam was born that we'd have Lucy at all let alone so soon…"

"If you don't wish to be with me for the next year or so Elsie, I…"

"No. No I should never wish to not be with you Charlie. Never… but I'd like to get something to keep from…"

"Oh. Well we've never done that." He was affronted by the idea. It seemed so… modern.

"No. We haven't. I was thinking of asking Anna to help me, once I've healed from Lucy, but I thought I'd ask you first… I certainly don't' want to hurt or embarrass you."

"How would you hurt me?" He asked. Affronted or not, he knew this wasn't about him.

"By having you think I don't wish to have your baby Mr. Carson."

He laughed when she said this. "First of all it must be done for your health my Mrs. Carson. Nothing matters more to me than that. And after all the years of trying, and how much you used to cry Elsie and how much you love me and Charlotte and Charlie, and Sam and Lucy…and the twins we lost: I could never think that."

Elsie gulped when he mentioned the lost twins. It pained her to think of the two who would've made her the mum of six.

"You and I've made six lives together Elsie, that's plenty enough for two families and I should never be cross with you for needing to be done with having babies. It's high time."

"I know. It's just a wee bit sad. Mr. Carson if I were younger I would go on."

"Oh?" He chuckled. "I thought you didn't want to be one of those farm wives with ten children."

"No. I don't but if you're the father that's another matter."

Carson smiled, her words touching him deeply.

"If Lucy hadn't nearly torn you in two you'd go on." He corrected.

"I suppose that's it."

"My Elspeth, if we'd had Charlotte alone." He spoke of their firstborn. "That would've been a miracle and you know it."

"Oh yes, yes I do. But if I could, I would always want to have your baby."

….

"Mummy who beat her up?" Charlie asked concerned, looking down at his newborn baby sister.

Lucy was half asleep and lay by the fire in just her nappy. It was Christmas Eve and Elsie was getting ready to dress her so they could go to Downton for a big party. She wasn't sure she was up for going, having gone through such a traumatic birthing experience only nine days before. But the children all wanted to go. Carson had to be there, and everyone else wanted to see the baby.

"Oh m'lad. Remember how mummy explained Lucy had a hard time being born?"

"Uh-huh."

"She got her bruises coming out of mum. But she'll be alright big brother."

Charlie was perplexed, wondering how this could've happened. In an instant he broke away and hugged her legs.

"What's that for?" She smiled, running her fingers through his hair.

He paused, not wanting to be indecent but the thought struck him deeply.

"Mummy must be bruised too." It was logical more than anything else.

Elsie was more than bruised. Lucy had gotten off easily as it were. Her mother was ripped, cut, sore, still bleeding and in hindsight, lucky to be in that state.

"Oh my baby lad." She kissed his head. "That means a lot to mummy that you'd realize that."

Charlie sighed, closing his little blue eyes as he hugged his mother tight.

"Mummy?" He asked. Smiling, she got down on her knees to converse with him despite the act of bending being so painful for her she wanted to scream.

"Hmm?"

"Mummy did I hurt you too?"

Elsie smiled and took his hand, kissing it. "Yes; but you hurt mummy the least!" Elsie giggled.

Charlie grabbed her face and kissed her nose.

"I love you my wee surprise baby boy." She whispered as he giggled, kissing her nose again.

"I love you mummy and I'm sorry if I beated you up!"

…

"No, no. I insist. You just sit." Cora said almost sternly, sitting Elsie in a big velvet armchair while every one else was standing.

"And I'll take the chubby lad off your hands. Lord knows he wants to be in the kitchen anyhow." Beryl said, taking Sam from Elsie.

"Wait…" Elsie protested, wanting to hold him and Lucy both.

Sam fussed as he was taken from his mother, but kept chewing on his hand, knowing where his Auntie Beryl was taking him.

"And mummy we'll bring you gingerbread." Charlotte promised.

Elsie sighed as the twins ran off and Samuel was carted away, leaving her alone with the newborn Lucy who dozed peacefully in her arms despite the noise of the party all around her. Elsie was used to serving at these functions, and participating in parts of them as a guest, but had never before been able to just sit and observe. She held her tiny baby close, Lucy fussed a bit at the odd sound here and there, but remained locked in sleep.

The newborn little girl sucked on her hand, dressed in a velvet holiday gown that Baxter had made specifically for this event. It was much too big on the tiny girl, and made her mother marvel over her all the more.

"Merry Christmas my Lucybelle." She whispered.

"I've never seen a more gorgeous sight in all my life."

Elsie looked up to see her husband standing there, tears in his eyes.

"Lucy Carson. Can you say Merry Christmas daddy?" She asked Lucy, her heart skipping a beat.

"She's a beautiful baby." He could barely keep himself from crying.

It was being there, in front of everyone that did it. Carson was more overwhelmed that Christmas Eve than he could ever recall being. His children were running throughout the house, and in the midst of all the joy a Christmas party at Downton could bring, there Elsie was, glowing, their tiny newborn baby snug in her arms. It was a sight he'd longed to see for so many years and he relished even a glimpse of it. It was an extra special blessing, given that their marriage had once been a secret that was theirs alone.

"This is the Christmas we long planned on, isn't it Mr. Carson?"

He nodded, sitting on the ottoman where she was resting her feet.

"One of the many."

An intoxicated Robert came up behind his wife, kissing her cheek. She jumped delightfully, not realizing he was there at first.

"Hello darling." She giggled when he handed her a glass of champagne. "Awe they're so cute." She said of the Carsons as she sipped the drink. "Aren't they so cute Robert?"

Cora was relieved that Elsie had come through the ordeal that had almost killed her several years before, and so delighted that the Carsons were so happy. She watched them closely, both touched by their miracle, and wanting to do her best to personally ensure Elsie's comfort.

"Let's have another baby!" Robert burst suddenly, almost slurring his words.

Cora laughed and cupped his cheek in hand. "Oh darling I can't." She said sadly. He furrowed his brow in confusion. She would've liked to, very honestly. She felt young enough for it. "Besides. Two of our daughters are married now and…"

"WHAT have you heard?" Robert asked sharply.

"Would you like to hold her Mr. Carson?" Elsie asked.

He nodded quickly and took the baby in his arms. In a way, Elsie marveled over Lucy more when he held her. He was such a big, strong man, and Lucy so tiny she as less of a baby and more of a doll.

After a few moments, Carson kissed Elsie, then got up to show Lucy off to the rest of the house. It was the infant's first time back at Downton since she'd been born and everyone from Lady Mary to Molesley wanted to see her. Only Cora, Beryl and Daisy had made the trek down to the cottage to see her. Elsie lay back in the chair and sighed, exhausted.

"Hi mummy." Charlotte said, climbing onto her mother's lap, her mouth full of chocolate.

"Hello m'love." Elsie laughed, wrapping her arms around Charlotte.

"Mewwwy Chwistmas…. I missed my mummy." She confided, happy to have her place in her mother's lap back now that she was no longer pregnant.

"Oh Charlotte. Mummy missed you too." She whispered.

"Mummy you love Lucy more?"

"No, no, no Charlotte." Elsie hugged her tight, watching Charlie lovingly as he proudly showed off their newborn. "No I love you all so much."

"Mummy happy?"

Charlotte's question caused Elsie's eyes to fill with tears, remembering the many years of Christmas parties she and Charlie had spent: lonely, sad, barren and … apart, their relationship a secret.

"Oh yes Charlotte. Mummy's so, so very happy."

…

"Why doesn't my mummy have one? Does your mummy have one?" Ben asked confused as he and Charlie observed the crests that hung in the great hall.

The little boys had snuck off to play and found themselves among the years of crests that hung throughout the abbey. Ben had recently learned that every time a girl married into the family they hung her family's crest on the wall. The last one was Granny Violet's, and because she was American, his beloved mummy didn't have one. Charlie was confused and didn't really know what to make of his friend's new discovery.

"No, but she has a plaid." He bit his lip, himself knowing a little of what this met, just enough to be proud of it and no more. "And didn't we come up here to fight?"

"Oh, that's right."

No longer under the care of a nanny, the little boys had come upstairs to duel with antique swords they'd had their eyes on since they were two. Now was their chance, when their nanny was finally absent, and their mothers otherwise engaged.

"I want the pretty one." Ben remarked.

Charlie rolled his eyes, 'We're men.' He wanted to say. 'Who cares if they're pretty?'

Charlie didn't realize it was something his Scottish blood that made him a little bit tougher and more calculating than his best friend and even his own father. There was a bit of warrior in him and in his siblings too. The two little boys struggled to lift the swords. Freeing them of their sheaths, they were just about to fight when Lord Grantham stumbled into the room.

"What are you boys doing up here?" He laughed, slapping his son on the back and causing him to drop the sword.

The boys thought they'd be in trouble for a moment until they realized Lord Grantham was intoxicated. Both heaved a sigh of relief, allowing the drunken Lord to disarm them.

"Come on lads!" He cried joyfully, taking the sword Charlie had been holding and ushering the two of them down the stairs. "What are you doing up here, there's a party to be had, on guard!" He cried, causing the boys to jump.

"Daddy the sword!" Ben cried.

Charlie and Ben exchanged glances upon the realization that Robert was singing and tripping every few feet as they made their way back to the party. Both children wanted to laugh, but held their tongues.

"This must be why mummy wouldn't let me try any." Ben whispered to Charlie.

"Hello everyone!" Robert laughed, lifting the sword high when they came back into the ballroom.

The boy's eyes grew wide and Mary covered her eyes as the Lord of the manor used the sword to skewer a large helping of cheese off the table.

"Good Lord." The eldest Crawley child uttered mutter as they passed.

"Robert!" Cora giggled, patting her husband's arm, beginning to distract him.

The boys stopped when they heard Carson approach, clearing his throat. "I know two young lads with some big explaining to do."

Just then, Beryl walked by with Sam in her arms. He reached out and grabbed the block of cheese off the sword, beginning, to slobber on it.

"Where the devil is it?" The Lord asked, confused about the whereabouts of his snack.

"I think its time we say good night." Cora cooed, wrapping her arm around her husband. Lord Grantham was not a drunk. He just got very excited at parties. Too excited.

"Come on." Bates sighed. "I'll help take him upstairs."

…

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas… let your heart be light… from now on our troubles will be out of sight."

"Ooooh!" Lucy cried, yawning so deeply her tiny preemie body shook.

Carson looked down at his littlest girl in awe, marveling over how very tiny she was. He and Elsie walked back late with their little brood. He carried Sam; she carried Lucy and the twins walked between them, playing in the snow. Carson helped his exhausted wife into bed as soon as they walked in the door insisting that she sleep, and by that time she was in no condition to argue the point.

They'd had a wonderful time at the party; but Carson was a bit hurt that he'd had to forego his own tradition of reading The Night Before Christmas to his children. Once they'd returned home everyone had been far too sleepy to endure a story and a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. Sam and Lucy had been asleep, Elsie, and the twins not far from it. Carson bittersweetly tucked his family in and once he had, he'd taken possession of his youngest and whisked her downstairs to rock her by the fire.

If he couldn't read to her: singing would be the next best thing.

"So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now."

"Merry Christmas Charlie."

Carson jumped; turning when he heard his wife approach, clad in her robe, her hair a mess. In truth, she looked terrible but at once beautiful.

"Elsie! You should be…"

"No, no Charlie my love. I'm alright now." She promised.

"A-are you sure?" He didn't believe her. She nodded.

"I think I interrupted something." She giggled.

"Nonsense." He took her in his arms, deciding it would be so much sweeter if they could rock Lucy together. He continued to sing. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the Yule-tide gay, from now on, our troubles will be miles away. Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore. Faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more." By now, he rocked his wife gently, his forehead against hers. "Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow…"

Charlie stopped when he noted tears running down his wife's cheeks.

"Elsie what's…"

"Oh Charlie… I'm overwhelmed. We're so very blessed." She bit her lip. "So very blessed with all our miracles. She looked down at Lucy. So blessed."

"Oh my Elspeth, my Elspeth yes we are." He leaned down, kissing her deeply as they stopped under the mistletoe she had hung above the hearth.

"Hey daddy!" Charlie shrieked.

Carson and Elsie broke their kiss and turned to find the twins and Sam on the stairs.

"Is Santa here?" Charlotte asked.

"No, not yet m'love." Elsie reasoned.

"How about a story before he comes?" Carson suggested, his heart soaring at the idea that he might get to resume his tradition after all.

"Yay!" The twins cheered.

Sam followed them as quickly as he could, toddling over to his mother's open arms, ecstatic to have her to himself for even just a moment.

"We'll do it for you mummy we'll make the chocolate!" Charlotte offered, the twins scurried into the kitchen chattering a mile a minute, leaving their parents and baby siblings under the mistletoe.

"I don't like them to put on the kettle…" Elsie was nervous.

"Oh let them… should you be…"

"No. No I shouldn't be up… but Charlie… there's no way I'd have missed this. I've been waiting forever for these Christmases m'love and I'll cherish them the whole of my life."

"I'll cherish them too. Just as I have every moment I've been married to you."

Carson leaned down and kissed his wife again as passionately as he could, in that moment, remembering the long, lonely Christmases spent apart, watching other people's happy children, knowing that he owed all their miracles and every bit of his happiness to her.