My thanks to everyone who is still along on this journey. Real life has been very trying and I do apologize for not being able to keep up with it and my writing.
Saturday, December 21, 1991 to Wednesday, December 25, 1991
Tony stood in front of the stove holding a mixing bowl, furiously whipping up waffle batter for breakfast. He was determined to put this family back together and he wasn't above using waffles to do so; especially if some chocolate chips just happened to fall into the batter, just the way Angela liked them. There would be none of her usual "just juice and coffee" excuses this morning. The whole family was going to eat together; then later in the week he was going to include Angela in Christmas cookie preparations, no matter how much it pained him knowing that the results would be less than stellar. Today's plans also included a surprise for Angela, one which he hoped would turn Angela's demeanor back into the woman he knew, and loved. Tony continued to think over his plans as he subconsciously poured some batter into the waffle iron, then started to whip the cream. If he whipped much harder, the cream was going to turn into butter.
Upstairs Angela was trying to steel herself to go down and face the other members of the household. She was nervous, unsure of how they would react to her sudden cheeriness. She walked to her bedroom door and put her hand on the doorknob, but couldn't make herself open the door. She backed away and paced, wringing her hands while trying to give herself a pep talk, she whispered, "c'mon Angela, you can do this. You've faced down CEOs and braved the boardrooms of Manhattan, you can walk downstairs in your own home. This is your home. You own it. You can kick anyone out that you want to at any time," she paused, her insecurity coming back, "not that I want to do that," she nervously said out loud to the empty bedroom. The empty bedroom had no response, nothing but stillness which only enhanced her loneliness. Wanting to banish this loneliness she took a deep breath, "I can do this," she said with actual conviction. She reached for the door knob again and opened the door this time.
Jonathan was in the hallway on his way downstairs. "Jonathan! Good morning!" she said, trying to sound bright and cheery, but instead sounding forced.
Jonathan was surprised to see his mother at home, he thought for sure that she would be spending another Saturday at the office. He was shocked by her unusually chipper greeting, but remembered that he was supposed to pretend that everything was normal between them. He caught himself just before a questioning look could appear on his face and instead smiled for his mother, "hi Mom!" he said, sounding just as forced as his mother's greeting.
They stood there smiling at each other, Angela aching to hug her son but afraid to and Jonathan not knowing what to do at all. It was a strangely awkward moment. Jonathan was finally saved by the smell, "is that batter?" he asked.
Angela sniffed the air in response, "I think you're right, Jonathan."
"To breakfast then!" Jonathan suggested far too cheerfully then bolted for the stairs quickly to get out of this uncomfortable situation.
"To breakfast," Angela agreed, following her son down the stairs, "I hope Tony put some whipped cream on them, I love that."
Jonathan was amazed by his mother's cheerfulness, but he wasn't going to question it. They practically raced downstairs; partly to avoid having to make conversation with each other and partly to get to the waffles as quickly as possible. They burst through the kitchen door, neglectfully letting it swing wildly behind them as they focused on more important matters.
Angela took a loud and deep breath, "mmmm, is that waffles I smell?" she asked brightly.
"Why yes, yes it is," Tony answered with a little tease in his voice. This "faking it until making it" folderol might be easier than he thought it would be, all he had to do was be his normal self.
Angela found enough boldness to tiptoe toward the stove and peek into the mixing bowl, she smiled a real smile when she saw the chocolate chips. Tony took a moment to look at Jonathan, silently asking him for an assessment of Angela's state of mind. Jonathan could do nothing but shrug in response. Tony really couldn't have expected anything more than that.
"Are they done yet?" Angela demanded.
Bringing his attention back to her, Tony answered, "almost, Miss Impatient."
Angela crossed her arms and smirked in mock irritation. Tony decided to play with fire, and playfully teased, "if Her Royal Highness of Chocolate Chip Waffles would sit down, I will bring the waffles to her."
Would Angela storm out of the room; or would she play along? Tony and Jonathan were both nervous waiting for the outcome.
Angela smiled and sat down at the table where juice and coffee awaited her. Inwardly, Tony heaved a huge sigh of relief. Jonathan, still wary of this strange, but previously normal behavior from his mother, sat down next to her. Tony pulled the first batch off waffles off the iron and piled them onto a plate. He walked over to Angela and placed two waffles her plate, then he placed the serving plate near Jonathan.
Angela closed her eyes and took a very deep breath, reveling in the scent of the waffles and the closeness of two of her most favorite people. She opened her eyes and Tony saw something in them that he hadn't seen in a long time: happiness. He thought that maybe Doctor Bellows did know what she was talking about after all; or maybe it was just the waffles, Angela could always be plied with waffles.
Tony then brought breakfast up to another level by bringing the whipped cream over to Angela. He placed the bowl in front of her without a word.
Angela was as giddy as a school girl. She delved into the whipped cream and the waffles, savoring every bite. Tony was thrilled that she was made so happy by such a simple gesture. If he had known that waffles and whipped cream were the key to such a difference in Angela he would have made them for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and late night snacks over the past couple of months. Jonathan was still wary of this unusual, but not unwelcome, behavior.
"Where did everyone go last night?" Angela managed to ask in between mouthfuls of waffle. She had come home from work early last night in order to put her plan into action and was shocked and distressed to find no one at home. She'd worked hard throughout the day, giving herself pep talks to boost her confidence. She'd walked through the front door, beaming, expecting to see a busy household, but the house was quiet and dark. She'd deflated instantly, and loneliness overwhelmed her. The only way she got through the evening was by telling herself she shouldn't have been surprised; she'd taken herself out of the home for so long that she couldn't blame the rest of the family for doing the same thing.
She compensated for the loss of family time by going to see Beauty and the Beast, eating a lot of chocolate while watching and crying through a whole pack of tissues. In her heart of hearts she had wanted to see the movie with Tony, as a sort of continuation of their 101 Dalmatians non-date date; but the movie had been out for a month and Tony hadn't even hinted about going together, so she had given in and gone by herself. She was getting good at going places alone. The real tragedy was that Tony very much wanted to go see Beauty and the Beast with Angela, he was just too afraid to broach the topic with her. By the time she returned home, everyone else had gone to bed, reasoning that she had once again stayed late at work and who knew when she would finally come home.
Tony and Jonathan looked at each other, in mild terror. How did she know they weren't home last night? They had to cover quickly, "I was at a basketball game," Jonathan answered, hoping his mother would believe him.
"Oh, how nice, did the school win?"
"Yes," he answered with as little shake in his voice as he could, hopefully covering his uncertainty on the matter. He wasn't even sure there was a game last night.
Tony was spared having to answer for his whereabouts by the kitchen door opening and Mona making her Saturday morning entrance like a queen. "Good morning, everyone," she said, stopping short of doing the royal wave, but definitely making it sound like everyone in the room was lucky to be in her presence. Angela didn't bother to ask her where she'd been last night; there was no place else she could be other than on another of her innumerable dates.
Everyone responded in kind and Mona took her place at the breakfast table, also thrilled that waffles were on the menu this morning.
There was a lull in conversation. Tony desperately wanted to communicate to Mona that Angela knew they had all been out last night, but there was no way to convey that information to her. All he could do was hope that Mona didn't ask any possibly hazardous questions. Mona put her napkin on her lap with a flourish, and as her contribution to the "act as if" plan she stated overly cheerfully, "I could smell waffles all the way upstairs, calling me to come down from my mountaintop."
"Are you trying to tell me you were all alone on that mountaintop?" That sentence was spoken by Angela and everyone in the kitchen experienced a moment of stunned silence; especially Angela as she was surprised she even had it in her to tease her mother anymore. Jonathan wasn't sure how to handle the situation and Tony was spared from saying anything by having to tend to the waffles. Mona, of course, handled it brilliantly, "how do you think I got up to that mountaintop?" This broke the ice, some darkness had been sloughed away and the bright atmosphere of their previous familial give and take returned to the kitchen. Maybe it was due to the season, but peace and joy were starting to make their appearances.
Now that his grandmother had deftly handled the tense situation, Jonathan knew exactly what to do. He picked up his grandmother's cue and put his elbow on the table and dropped his head into his hand, pretending to be embarrassed. "Grandma!" he mock whined.
His grandmother fixed him with an equally mock glare, unable to keep the glint out of her eyes.
Tony placed more waffles on the table, "Jonathan, you're too old now to be embarrassed by your grandmother."
"Is there ever really such a time?" Jonathan asked.
Tony looked at Mona who answered him by smiling broadly and putting her finger at her dimple and twisting.
"In your case, no," Tony had to concede.
"Thank you," Mona agreed and tore into her waffles.
Angela just shook her head, happy to see the family being a family again, and very, very happy for waffles with whipped cream.
Tony stole a quick glance at Angela which she didn't catch because she was so occupied with whipped cream. For the first time in far too long he saw happiness in her eyes. He was glad for that, of course, but what he mostly felt was relief. Relief that their long familial nightmare seemed to be over. If waffles did this much for Angela's well-being, his next surprise should send Angela to the stratosphere. Last night on the way home from their appointment with Doctor Bellows, it had been decided that instead of Sam coming home on Christmas Eve, she would come home today. She was due to arrive any moment. If the return of the prodigal daughter didn't help, nothing would.
Much to Tony's not surprise, a car pulled up in the driveway. He didn't have to look out the window to see it, he knew the car was big and yellow.
"Who could that be?" Angela wondered.
"Could be anyone," Tony answered evasively.
"Well, yes, it could. It certainly isn't no one," Angela said.
"Nope, definitely not no one," Tony replied, still not looking outside.
The car door slammed.
Angela looked around the table, neither her mother nor her son would make eye contact with her. "Are the three of you planning something?"
"The three of us?" Tony asked as innocently as if he were a boy on Santa's lap asking asking for a red wagon, "no, the three of us aren't planning anything." If Angela could read his thoughts she would see one running across his mind that said, "but that doesn't mean that the four of us aren't planning something."
The kitchen door opened and an exuberant Samantha burst into the house, "Merry Christmas!" she beamed.
"Sam," Angela gasped in a whispered mixture of disbelief and excitement.
"Surprise!" the rest of the family yelled.
Angela looked around at the smiling faces of her family, "everyone seems to be in on Sam's appearance but me."
A lightning bolt of fear struck everyone else; what if instead of Angela being thrilled by Sam's early arrival home, she was angry at being left out of the plan?
Angela wasn't angry, just a little confused. To her it looked like Sam had just dropped by to pick up Mona and spend the day out. "If you had plans to go shopping, why didn't you tell me?"
They were close to dangerous waters, and everyone was suddenly back to walking on eggshells.
"We aren't going shopping, Angela," Sam proffered carefully, "but we could go if you wanted to." Suddenly this seemed like the most brilliant idea ever in the history of ideas. It had been far too long since they'd had a girls' day out. With Angela, Mona, and Sam shopping together again, the sales team at Bloomingdale's would weep for joy.
Mona picked up on the plan, "yes, let's go. You can buy me my Christmas present, Angela. Don't worry, I have it picked out already."
Angela gave her mother an, "of course" look and said, "which department does he work in?"
Mona only answered her daughter with a mysterious look.
Tony was seeing the brilliance of this plan too; nothing made Angela happier than spoiling the kids, and nothing made Sam happier than being spoiled by Angela. "Just think, the three of you out there, trying on shoes, getting makeovers, lunching on watercress sandwiches, then coming home to a perfectly cooked dinner and tree decorating. Your trusty menfolk," he walked over to Jonathan and put his arm on his shoulder, "will take care of the fruits of your labors as we know you will be too exhausted to carry the packages inside the house." Jonathan pledged his agreement with Tony by nodding his head and holding up his fingers in a "scout's honor" sign.
"Sounds good to me," Sam agreed wholeheartedly.
"I'll get my coat, you get your purse, Angela," Mona said.
"Wait, wait, wait a minute," Angela reined in the enthusiasm, "we aren't going anywhere until I have finished my waffles."
"Fine," Mona whined, throwing her napkin on the table in impatience.
"I'll go unpack your car now, Sam," Jonathan offered as a brotherly sacrifice.
Angela was now very confused, "I admire your ambition, Jonathan, but how can you take anything out of the car when there aren't any packages in the car yet?" It was also strange because they wouldn't be taking Sam's car anyway.
It struck everyone at the same time but Jonathan took the lead, "Sam's here to stay until, well, next year. Yup, we're stuck with her." Sam literally stuck her tongue out at him and he smirked back at her. This "acting as if" was regressing them to their childhoods.
"You're home...now?" Angela couldn't quite believe it. Having Sam home was something she didn't even know how much she needed. "That's wonderful," Angela smiled, hoping she was doing a good job of hiding the fact that she was close to tears. There was only one thing she could do to cover, she stood up and hugged Sam. A sigh of relief was not heard in the kitchen, but it was felt. Mona, Tony, Jonathan and Sam all felt that a corner had been turned. Tony was thrilled that Sam's presence made such a profound difference. He could see in Sam's face that the love was still there. Sam was holding Angela just as tightly as Angela was holding her. She tried to tell the rest of the family through her expression that Angela was breaking down, but that she had everything under control. Everyone caught the code.
Tony was relieved. Finally, home felt like home again and the kitchen was again filled with familial warmth. He decided he was definitely going to make linguine alle vongole for dinner tonight. Mona was inwardly satisfied by her daughter's reaction, but as always, needed to cover, "and now that today's plans are settled, sit down and eat, we need to carb up for the marathon." Angela surreptitiously wiped the tears from her eyes before turning back to her family and sitting down to finish her breakfast.
Sam obeyed and soon her plate was also filled with waffles to fortify her for the day's events.
The ladies did have a wonderful day out, the mobs of Christmas shoppers only added to their fun. Since Angela had not yet started Christmas shopping, she had not yet become jaded. Now she was over-indulging and buying several gifts for each staff member in addition to all the presents for her family. It would be a very merry Christmas for everyone on Angela's list. She did have some difficulties finding a good present or two; or ten for Tony, but with some help from Sam, her mother and half the sales staff she finally decided on a briefcase for Tony to carry with him in his new career, a Frank Sinatra CD boxed set, a new pasta maker and a case of wine.
The ladies walked through the front door laughing, invigorated by their day together. Angela stopped short when she smelled something that made her mouth water. He couldn't have, could he? She took a deep breath and smiled. Yes, it was delightful aroma of her favorite dinner. This was going to be a wonderful night. Tony and Jonathan burst through the kitchen door carrying a trays laden with goodies. Tony pronounced, "welcome home, fair ladies, for your refreshment we have hot chocolate, with whipped cream, of course." Angela grinned at the thought of more whipped cream as she and her fellow shopping cohorts flopped down onto the couch in their foretold exhaustion. "We also have double chocolate chip cookies," Jonathan said as he and Tony placed the trays on the coffee, or in this case, hot chocolate table and backed away. The ladies pounced on the delights. "Oh, chocolate to drink and chocolate to eat? This must be heaven." Angela sighed in delight as she took a bite of the delicious morsel. "You spoil us," she managed to say as she ate the cookie.
"I live to spoil," he said with a huge smile on his face.
"Thank you," she said with such gratitude that Tony could see it in her eyes.
"You're welcome. When the three of you have freshened up, and we have unloaded your "Santa's sleigh" full of presents, dinner will be served in the dining room," Tony said formally.
The dining room. It seemed like forever since they'd had a family dinner together in the dining room. Before this morning it had been even longer since they had eaten together in the kitchen, so they were now up to two renewed dining experiences in one day. The kitchen was homey, cozy, sweet; but the dining room added an air of celebration to the proceedings. For the first time in a very long time Angela felt real happiness. She didn't think about how quickly the Christmas season was going to pass and she didn't think about how precarious this situation was, she only thought about her family; and linguine. And that was more than enough.
"Smells delicious," Angela said, referring to dinner, not the hot chocolate. Although it wouldn't be a surprise if she felt the same way about the hot chocolate.
"It is," Tony grinned. Angela wasn't sure if he was referring to more than dinner, his flirtatious side seemed to have returned and she realized that she liked it. Being the person she once was with her family was easier for her than she thought it would be. She thought she'd have to fake it, but she found that when she pushed away the self-imposed dampers on her feelings that the love was still there and just as strong as ever. She found that her misery came from trying to suppress her true feelings. The act would work fine, until she remembered why she started repressing in the first place. Those thoughts were far from her mind today, leaving her to indulge in the joy of Christmas.
"Also, if by some shopping induced trance you haven't noticed, your men folk have lit the Christmas lights and," Tony pointed to a stack of tapes on the coffee table, "have chosen several movies for your viewing pleasure tonight. The commencement of Christmas activities awaits only your word," he announced.
Angela almost choked on her hot chocolate. Most of what Tony said sounded delightful, a family movie night, another lost tradition revived, but one word overshadowed the rest: commencement. That one word only reminded her that the countdown had begun and time was quickly ticking away until Tony would be gone. She pushed the darkness away, forcing herself to focus on the present. The present, where there were lots of presents...and chocolate, lots of chocolate. Angela covered well, no one noticed her momentary lapse in joy. She smiled and had another cookie.
What an evening it turned out to be. Angela was close to happy tears several times during dinner as she enjoyed the presence of her whole family at the table. She wasn't trying to push her family away any longer and it felt so much better, so much more right than the past few months.
After the dinner dishes were put away, Tony sent Sam, Jonathan and Angela into the living room. Mona, concerned enough over her daughter's mental health to break a date for tonight, but not enough to help with the dishes looked up from her lounging perch on the couch when everyone else entered the room. She had been quite comfortable with a mug of hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps. A fire had been lit and she was enjoying the cozy indulgence when Tony pushed through the kitchen door. Mona bit her cheek to keep from laughing. From some secret hiding place Tony had retrieved a Santa hat and was now wearing it. He carried in a tray laden with marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate bars. "Ho, ho, ho, s'mores for all!" he said. A Santa Tony bearing chocolate made Angela very happy. He was a handsome Santa with a twinkle in his eye. She tried not to think about how cute he was in the hat, under the mistletoe, but couldn't and blurted an, "excuse me," as she hastily retreated to her office. There were too many memories and they were pressing too hard on her. She'd managed so well throughout the day, she'd almost believed herself that they were a permanently happy family just enjoying another holiday, how wrong she was.
"What happened?" Sam whispered.
"I dunno," Jonathan answered.
"I thought she'd love the s'mores," Santa Tony said.
"Maybe she needs some schnapps," Mona offered. Tony rolled his eyes at her as he set the tray down on the coffee table.
"What do we do now?" Jonathan asked.
"Good question," Tony responded as he sank down into one of the side chairs. Mona made room on the couch and the kids followed suit.
"We'll give her a couple of minutes, then tell her that if she doesn't get back out here she'll wind up on Santa's naughty list," Mona offered.
"That doesn't seem likely to work," Sam said.
"Anything happen when you were out shopping today?" Tony asked.
"Nothing, we had a great time," his daughter answered.
"I guess we wait then," Tony decided.
They were talking about her, she knew the rest of the family was talking about her but that didn't make Angela want to leave her sanctuary. There were so many times this room harbored her through her personal storms, she ached for it to do it again. She leaned against the door, silently begging for solace in the dark room. Breathe, she had to breathe, had to get herself under control. She knew her family would come knocking and she didn't want to answer their questions. She had to pull herself back together, get back to pretending everything was normal. "C'mon, Angela, you can do this," she whispered as she clenched her fist. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and an image from the past appeared in front of her. Tony in this room trying to explain his desire to explore all his options while still in college. It was an unexpected admission from him, she'd thought he was long past the age of sowing his wild oats, but maybe some men never really got past that stage. Suddenly Angela wanted nothing more than to be out of that room, but where could she go? Going back to the living room would be out of the frying pan and into the fire.
"Think, Angela, think," she told herself. "It's too late to go out for a movie, I can't say I am going back to the office." She was out of options. "The fire it is then. I can do this." Taking a deep breath, Angela forced a smile and opened the door.
The rest of the family turned toward the sound simultaneously. Angela clasped her hands together, "silly me," she unclasped and let one hand pretend to hit the side of her head, "can't control when I get a good idea, and when you get one, it has to be written down immediately or it's gone. Well, it's not gone!" No one said a word for a moment, but by some sort of silent intuition it was agreed that no one would challenge Angela's excuse.
Tony stood up, "that's great, Angela, now that work's done, how about that hot chocolate?"
"Sounds delicious!" Angela agreed.
"How about some schnapps in it?" Mona asked as she held the bottle up for Angela.
That sounded like the best idea Angela had heard in a long time, she walked past Tony to her mother, picked her mug off of the coffee table and demanded, "pour it in." Her back to Tony, she didn't see him shaking his head in what he considered to be the poor judgment of this choice. Jonathan moved to the other side chair so his mother could have a place on the couch, which she promptly took, seating herself between her mother and Samantha. She felt secure with the sisterhood surrounding her. "So, what are we watching tonight," Angela asked, hoping to sound cheery.
"Meet Me in St. Louis," Tony answered.
"Ugh," Mona moaned, "you couldn't find anything sappier?"
"There's always White Christmas," Tony countered.
"I'll take the one with the 'marches to her own drummer' kid, thanks, at least she's interesting," Mona responded.
"How about It's a Wonderful Life instead?" Angela suggested. If ever she needed this movie, it was now.
"I like that idea," Sam said.
"Me too," Jonathan agreed.
"Fine, Jimmy Stewart and an angel it is then," Tony said as he went to retrieve the movie.
"I'll get the lights," Jonathan said as he got up from his chair. Tradition dictated that only Christmas lights and the fire illuminated the room when watching a Christmas movie. Jonathan flicked off the harsh lights and Angela felt safer immediately. The darkened room would hide her pain and any tears she shed could be attributed to the movie. She admired the room lit only by Christmas glow, it gave her a sense of peacefulness that she hadn't felt in quite a while. Tony settled back in his seat as the movie started, he would split his time between watching the movie and watching Angela. Everyone else could be engrossed by the happenings in Bedford Falls, but he was more concerned with how much alcohol Angela kept pouring in her hot chocolate mug, it was far too much for his liking.
For her part, Angela was untroubled, whether that was from the alcohol or the movie she didn't care. Whatever the reason it was keeping thoughts of Tony out of her head. The only time she was overcome with sadness in the movie was when George and Mary started dancing together and all she could remember was Tony's first Christmas here and how much she had enjoyed their dancing together; and all the other times she and Tony had danced together, especially when he'd given her a prom. The thought that she and Tony would never share a happiness like that again depressed her, but at least she laughed when George and Mary wound up in a pool and still continued to dance.
It was normal to cry at the end of the movie, wasn't it? Angela hoped so, because it was impossible for her to hold back her tears. As George Bailey was being surrounded by friends, she openly sobbed into a tissue. She looked around her living room and saw her intimate circle, they too were moved by the story, although they were all trying to pretend they hadn't been so affected. It is said that art parallels life, but Angela was currently seeing how her life paralleled art. One person does make a difference; and she was grateful that Tony had been part of her life, she banished any thought of what her life would have been like if she had never met him. His gifts to her were innumerable. She dried her eyes and silently gave herself a pep talk, "I do have a wonderful life, even if it doesn't include being loved by Tony." The credits rolled and Angela clapped enthusiastically. The applause from the other family members was more subdued, mostly because everyone had suddenly realized that this movie had worn them out and they were exhausted.
Tony started the exodus by clearing away the plates and mugs. Jonathan stood up, yawning and stretching loudly, wanting to give himself a reason to get out while the going was still good. His mom seemed in good spirits even if she had broken down at the end of the movie, which he, and everyone else, attributed to the movie itself. "Good night, everyone," he said as he made his way toward the staircase. Angela practically jumped up from the couch in order to reach him before he made his way upstairs. She caught him and hugged him tightly, creating an awkward yet not unwelcome moment for Jonathan. She hadn't held him so close since, probably ever, he reasoned, so he let the embrace continue. He'd never admit it out loud, but it was nice to see a flicker of maternal affection from his mother again. The rest of the family looked on and took this as a positive sign.
When Angela finally let go, Samantha hurried over for her chance at motherly affection. Angela smiled and drew Sam close; Sam hugged back just as tightly. A peace came over Angela, one she hadn't felt in quite some time. She let herself enjoy the love she felt for both children; and realized the feeling she felt was happiness. It had been so long since she had basked in this feeling she almost didn't know how to anymore. Something in Angela's mind pestered her, reminding her that she couldn't stand here all night, holding Samantha, she had to find a way to get upstairs without hugging her mother or Tony. She knew her mother wouldn't stand for such affection; and Tony, even though he would stand for the affection, she didn't think she'd ever be able to let go if she did hug him. She feared being lost in his arms and never wanting to remove herself from them. It was a potentially very embarrassing situation; one she did not wish to subject herself to. She let go of Sam and said, "I'd like to take another look at the boots you bought today."
"Sure Angela," was Sam's slightly confused response to this unexpected request.
Smiling, Angela put an arm around Sam, who responded in kind, then she reached out and grasped Jonathan's hand so that she effectively had a shield on either side of her. She turned her head to say good night to her mother and Tony. The kids said the same and Mona and Tony responded in kind. Angela rushed the kids upstairs and took a quick look at the new boots to keep her cover, then, wishing to avoid any potential meeting with Tony, headed to her own room before he could come upstairs. The kids watched as she shut the door behind her, then turned to each other and shrugged a "that could have been worse" shrug then went to sleep themselves.
Back in the kitchen Mona and Tony were dissecting every moment of the day. Mona answered every question about the shopping trip, filling him in on what, when, where, and how they purchased their way through Manhattan. They also talked about how the evening went, concluding that the family had made a step in the right direction, but there was still much work to be done. Mona flitted off to her apartment and Tony, satisfied with the day, finished cleaning up and went to bed with optimistic thoughts for tomorrow.
Alone in her room, Angela had tucked herself into bed and started reading a book. However, her mind would not stay focused on the text. She kept thinking about what her life would have been like if Tony hadn't been part of it. How would she have raised Jonathan without him? Would Michael have spent more time with him? What would have happened in her career? Would she have been fired? Who would she have spent her time with? Where would she be living? And what of Samantha and Tony? The familial symbiotic relationship they shared gave so many opportunities for growth and joy over the years, with each person supporting and learning from the others. What would their lives have been like if Tony had never loaded up his van and headed to Connecticut? It was this thought that troubled Angela more than any other. Where would they be? Would Sam be in college? A wave of strong maternal love overcame Angela. She had to force herself to not run into Sam's room and hug her. Not because she didn't think Sam would welcome the hug, she just didn't think she would ever be able to let go. Nor did she want to exhibit the bizarre behavior of waking someone up in the middle of the night to hug them.
She did get up and start pacing, worrying a fingernail in her teeth as she did. What would her relationship with Sam be like after Tony was gone? Would Sam still visit her? Or would she disappear from her life? It would be difficult enough to deal with the loss of Tony, how would she be able to cope with the loss of Sam as well? It was a thought she could not bear. Angela slumped down onto the bed, her hands falling into her lap with listless despair. Her heart broke at just the thought of losing Sam causing her to burst into tears. She grabbed a pillow and clutched it tightly, sobbing into it so no one would hear her cry. The grief, for she was grieving, would not let go. The pillow became sodden as Angela used the case to dry her eyes and her nose. She ached; her muscles giving a physical demonstration of her mental pain. Angela combated them by fully laying down on the bed still clutching the pillow. This afforded her a little comfort and she pulled a quilt over herself to keep warm. The warmth soothed her and she fell asleep.
There was no respite for her in sleep. She dreamed she was awake and living in a world where Tony and Sam had never been part of her life. Her world looked normal enough, she noted as she wandered around the living room. It was the same house, but the house was not a home. The lighting was subdued; she could feel the coldness, the emptiness. Desperate, she ran into the kitchen yelling, "Tony!" but there was of course no answer. The kitchen was desolate, there were no plates on the table, no food cooking on the stove, no delicious smells of home permeated her senses. She left the kitchen and ran upstairs. Sam's room yielded nothing but filing cabinets lining all of the walls. Fearing what she might find in them, she shut the door and ran to Jonathan's room. His room did at least have a bed, a desk, and a dresser, but no personal items were to be found on the walls or his desk. The room was just as soulless as the rest of the house. Angela shut his door as well. She turned to Tony's door; dare she try it? She knew she must. Slowly she walked over and opened the door to find, nothing. There was no room there. There was nothing there. Just darkness, a void, she slammed the door shut and screamed.
Angela may have thought she only screamed in her nightmare, but this scream woke everyone in the house. Three people were instantly at her door, banging on it, demanding to be let in. This brought Angela back to consciousness; shaking, she dragged herself out of bed, still clutching the pillow. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she unlocked the door. She opened it only enough for the space to span herself. She leaned against the jamb, her left hand, holding the pillow, at her side. Her right hand gripped the edge of the door, barring anyone from opening it any farther. It was not a comfortable position, reflecting Angela's uncomfortable state of mind. Three very anxious faces greeted her.
"I'm sorry, I guess I had a nightmare," she shrugged while try to push the memory of the horror she'd just witnessed out of her mind.
"Yeah, ya wanna talk about it?" Tony asked, knowing it had to be bad because Angela was so groggy she hadn't even bothered to put on a robe, and she hadn't yet noticed she hadn't put on a robe.
"I'm fine, thanks."
Three dubious faces looked back at her.
"I'm getting Mona," Tony declared.
"Please don't, it's the middle of the night and I don't want to bother her. Stop being such a worry-wart."
"She'll want to be bothered," Tony insisted, "and I don't want to face her wrath in the morning when she hears about this."
Angela sighed in resignation and Tony went off on his errand.
"Can I get you some water, mom?"
"Sure, honey, thanks."
Jonathan went to the bathroom leaving a very concerned Sam with Angela.
"I'm really fine, Sam, you don't have to look at me like I'm about to shatter," Angela said, betraying herself as she still clutched the door.
"I'm sorry Angela, I'm...we're worried about you," she answered, inwardly wincing as this might not have been the wisest thing to say.
Angela's defenses went up, "I'm fine." She dropped her hand from the door and straightened her posture. Betraying herself, both hands now gripped the pillow.
"Angela," Sam started, but was interrupted by Jonathan carrying a cup of water.
"Here, mom," an uneasy Jonathan said.
Angela managed to free one hand from the pillow and reached out for the water. "Thank you, Jonathan," she said before taking a long sip.
Jonathan and Samantha were both at a loss for anything to say or do. They were spared as they heard a door slam. Tony and Mona were on their way. Both heaved an inner sigh of relief.
"Angela!" Mona's voice preceded her. Angela rolled her eyes in full view of the kids. Why were her dreams, or in this case, nightmare, always of such concern to the family? Was she not allowed to have privacy in her own home? A doomed thought of soundproofing her room ran through her mind.
"Angela!" Mona said again as she reached the top of the stairs, her usual unflappable face currently showing fear. Tony was half a step behind her.
"Benedict Arnold," Angela wanted to say out loud to Tony, but kept the thought to herself. How could he betray her like this?
Mona grasped Angela's arms, jostling the water. She looked directly into her eyes and said, "I'm staying with you the rest of the night."
It's a good thing Angela didn't have any water in her mouth at the time as she would have performed an inadvertent spit take. Instead she tried to pull away from her mother and said, "don't be ridiculous."
"I am not being ridiculous; I'm being your mother."
"I am not five years old, I don't need my mommy to stay with me when I have a nightmare." Angela looked around at the chorus of concerned faces and pleaded, "would everyone please go back to bed."
"How about we have a slumber party, Angela?" Samantha suggested.
Angela's face lit up at the idea. Finally feeling a little safer, Mona let go of her daughter. Tony inwardly praised his genius daughter and Jonathan visibly sighed with relief.
"Who wants chocolate?" Tony offered.
"Me!" three female voices answered in unison.
Feeling a breakthrough had been made, Tony looked at Jonathan, twitched his head to follow and off they went downstairs to get refreshments.
Angela opened the door more widely allowing her mother and Samantha to enter the room.
Samantha felt a sudden awkwardness now that they had been admitted to Angela's sanctuary; there were here, now what were they going to do? Talking about boys and doing their hair might work with Mona, but they didn't seem like the correct activities for tonight. There was no tv up here so watching another movie was out. Board games? Jonathan always won when the family played Monopoly, but he wouldn't be here tonight, so maybe she had a chance. She was about to suggest the idea when Mona said, "do you have a deck of cards up here? I want to play poker."
"Poker?" Angela grinned, went to the door and yelled downstairs, "Tony, bring a deck of cards when you come back up, please!"
"Angela," he yelled back, "you aren't going to fleece my daughter and your mother, are you?"
"Ha!" Mona responded. Samantha and Mona high-fived behind Angela's back.
"And bring up the chips too, please!" Angela yelled down again.
"Ay-oh, I'm bringing up the chips; the chocolate chips!"
"Poker with cookies for chips, this is the best idea ever," Sam exclaimed.
"Well actually, strip poker is the best idea ever, but we don't have the players for that," Mona said.
"Mother!" Angela glared at her.
Mona gave her one of her patented false innocence looks and Samantha laughed. Angela then managed a smile.
"Bring up a lot more chocolate chips, Tony!" Angela yelled as she turned, only to find Tony and Jonathan standing there with trays of cookies, a carafe of milk, glasses, and a lot of napkins. Mona wrinkled her nose at the milk, she would have preferred wine, but Samantha was under age and she reasoned she didn't want Angela anywhere near more alcohol, so milk it was.
A startled Angela composed herself enough to ask, "and the cards?"
Tony smirked as he set the tray on the vanity. He pulled the cards out of the chest pocket of his robe. "Voila, milady," he said as he bowed to her, bending an arm and presenting the cards to her over his arm.
Angela smiled a real smile, "merci."
Tony nodded and straightened up. "C'mon, kiddo, let's get out of here," he motioned to Jonathan. He gratefully put his burdens down and high-tailed it out of the room.
"Good night, ladies," Tony said as he shut the door on his way out.
"Good night," they answered.
"Let's get to it, ladies," Mona said.
"Should we go downstairs...where there's an actual table," Sam wondered.
"Don't be absurd," Mona answered as she walked over to Angela's bed. She smoothed out the covers, plumped and piled up all the pillows then ensconced herself up against the headboard like a queen. "You may present the cards!" the queen demanded.
Angela and Samantha did as they were commanded. Angela was proud of herself for not making a comment about her mother being in her natural habitat. She handed her mother the cards, then went to the bathroom to get a towel to protect her bed from cookie crumbs. She spread the towel over the bed and Sam placed the trays on the towel. They pulled up chairs on each side of the bed and started playing.
"The chocolate chips are worth five dollars, the double chocolate chips, ten; and the chocolate chips with walnuts are worth twenty," Angela declared.
"Of course your favorites are worth the most," her mother noted.
"Of course," Angela preened.
They played for a while, no one was really sure who won or lost in the end as most of the "poker chips" wound up being eaten instead of being hoarded. The game ended when Angela could no longer fight off the effects of the night. She was drained and as much as she tried to keep her eyes open, eventually resorting to leaning her elbow on the bed and resting her head on her hand, there came a point when her eyes stayed closed.
Amazed that Angela could sleep in such a position, Sam and Mona looked at each other in surprise.
"I guess the game is over," Sam whispered. She cleared away the remains of the game, bringing the leftover cookies and milk (and there was a lot of milk left) back down to the kitchen. When she returned, Angela still hadn't moved from where she had fallen asleep, but Mona had climbed down from her throne and started rearranging the pillows.
"Now what do we do?" Sam asked.
"I'm not leaving her alone tonight," Mona said.
"I don't want to go either."
"Good thing the bed is big enough for the three of us, we'll put her in the middle for her own safety," Mona said as she roused her daughter.
"What?" A groggy Angela woke up and looked around.
"Time for bed," Mona answered.
"That must be your favorite sentence." Even half-asleep Angela couldn't let a second opportunity pass.
Sam only partially successfully bit back a laugh.
"You can stay here and lean against the side of the bed if you want, but I can tell you from experience the middle of the mattress is more comfortable," Mona crossed her arms, her maternal side coming into focus.
"Too easy," Angela let that one go and stretched. She managed to get to her feet and pull back the covers. Sam pulled back the covers on the opposite side of the bed.
"No one has to stay with me," Angela protested.
"Are you going to kick your guests out before the end of the slumber party, Angela?" her mother questioned.
Too tired to argue, Angela got into bed. Sam wound up on her left and Mona on her right. She felt over-protected and hemmed in; knowing that they were only there because they didn't think she was capable of even sleeping on her own. Angela tried to fight these feelings, but succumbed to them instead. Confusion and anxiety overcame her; her breathing became shallow and she became tense.
Sam was the first to respond to her distress, she clasped Angela's hand and held on for dear life. Angela looked her way, her eyes reflecting the confusion still inside. Sam wasn't even sure that Angela recognized her.
Angela's tremulous voice, like a lost little girl pleaded, "you won't leave me, will you?"
"Of course not," a confused Sam answered, trying to be as oblique as possible, leaving options open for any conversational path Angela might want to wander down.
"Good, I couldn't bear to lose you too," Angela answered.
"Too?" Now Sam was even more confused. She wondered why Angela had had such a change of heart, first not wanting her, or anyone else around, and now not wanting her to leave. Her heart broke at the lonely tone of Angela's words. "I'll be in your life for as long as you want me here," Sam said, trying to comfort Angela. The comforting must have worked because when Sam then asked, "what do you mean 'too'?" Angela had already drifted back to sleep, letting go of Sam's hand.
Mona had watched this, barely daring to breathe as she didn't want to disturb this conversation. With her daughter now resting tranquilly, Sam and Mona looked at each other. Mona's fear for her daughter's well being was etched on her face. Sam wanted to reach across and grasp Mona's hand to comfort her, but didn't dare in case the movement woke Angela. Instead they silently agreed that there was nothing else they could do now. Angela was safe and if she had anymore nightmares, they were there. They didn't know what to make of Angela's question, but it was certain that it would be a topic of discussion with Dr. Bellows.
They settled back into the bed. Troubled by her daughter's behavior, Mona didn't get much rest. Sam reflected on her relationship with Angela. She wondered how she could help her; she'd always been such a powerful force in her life, a strong role model, giving her the ability to be the woman she wanted to be. Why was she struggling so and what could she do to alleviate Angela's suffering? It was impossible for Sam to reconcile the woman she knew with the woman she saw now. She tried to hold back tears, but one dropped, which she quickly brushed away. Sleep didn't come easily for her either.
A knock on the door roused three semi-sleeping beauties. "Wakey-wakey, chef Tony and chef in training Jonathan are here with breakfast!" A far too cheery voice called through Angela's door.
"Breakfast?" Samantha mumbled.
"Breakfast in bed is the best ending to a slumber party, actually it's the best ending to any party," Mona advised her young protege. "Come in, come in!" She called to Tony.
Angela was awake enough to roll her eyes at her mother. She sat up, moved her pillow against the headboard and leaned against it. She'd woken up in a very good mood, for reasons she herself couldn't even identify. Maybe it was just the thought of breakfast in bed that put a smile on her face.
Jonathan opened the door, and Tony walked in carrying a breakfast tray in each hand. Jonathan walked in after him carrying the third tray.
"Good morning, ladies," he said. They greeted him and Jonathan in return. Jonathan placed the tray he was carrying over his grandmother. Tony handed him a tray then walked over to present a tray to his daughter and Jonathan gave his mother her tray.
Angela smiled and took a deep breath, "everything smells and looks delicious, Tony, thank you."
"You're welcome; we have more juice, coffee, waffles and whipped cream downstairs if you need it. Just ring the bell."
"Bell? What bell?" Mona demanded. It wasn't like Tony to be lax in providing the amenities needed for a queen.
Tony reached behind his back to pull a bell out of his pocket, placing it on Mona's tray.
She picked it up and rang it, "ah, that's better."
Jonathan shook his head and said, "let's go, Tony, if we don't leave they'll never have the fun of calling us back upstairs."
"Too true, grasshopper. The student has begun to surpass the master," he bowed and both he and Jonathan exited.
The ladies managed to keep the bell ringing to a minimum as they enjoyed breakfast together. Serenity had come over Angela; whether it was from feeling secure by having her mother and Sam with her, or the indulgence of breakfast in bed, or the Christmas spirit settling in, she wasn't sure. Maybe it was everything combined; it didn't really matter. What mattered was that for the first time in a long time she was happy. She'd almost forgotten what that felt like. She was happy at breakfast, she was happy throughout the day, she was probably happiest when the whole family spent the afternoon together making cookies. Mona's participation was more of a supervisory role, making sure the anisette tasted just right, but she was there. Angela had one momentary lapse in happiness when she saw the flour on the table, but pasted on a smile, forcing herself to cover and no one noticed as she banished all thoughts of flour throwing or recreating that long ago eventful evening. She focused on the day at hand and singing Christmas carols as she chopped walnuts. The rest of the family wasn't so enthused by her chopping as bits of walnut were flying everywhere, but they happily joined in with the singing.
Angela's cheerfulness stayed with her at work on Monday, and for the first time in a long time, her coworkers felt they didn't have to avoid her. The next day, Christmas Eve, Angela threw a surprise party at work. As Mona drank another cup of punch she idly wondered how Angela had managed to get food, decorations and music delivered to the office, but as long as the punch was spiked and Angela was happy, she didn't really care what sort of secret Santa had bestowed this unexpected joy of the season. Angela took it upon herself to don a Santa hat to match her red suit and distributed gifts, but everyone agreed that the best gift was Angela sending everyone home at noon to join their families. Mona was more pleased by this than any of the office staff; and not just because she got out of work early, but because it told her that Angela wanted to be home with her family too.
Christmas Eve was another evening of delights with the Bower-Micelli family gathered around the dining room table; followed by a screening of Miracle on 34th Street. Everyone snuggled up on the couch under one blanket. The bonds of family were being rewoven and Angela was determined not to let them break again. After the movie finished and everyone said their good nights, Angela stayed in the living room. She admired the tree and the numerous be-ribboned packages under the tree. Indulging in childlike glee, she even picked up a box or two with her name on them and shook. The shaking did nothing to reveal the secrets of said boxes, but that did not diminish Angela's joy. She decided to have her own secret. She stood in front of the tree and made a silent vow to keep her family together. That completed, she turned off the lights and went to bed. She slept even more peacefully than the proverbial children with their visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads.
Christmas morning brought the whole family into the living room bright and early. Gifts were exchanged and the wrapping paper eagerly torn off, except for by Angela, who stayed with her usual methodical paper removal. Tony risked one dig about her personal style and was rewarded with an actual smile from Angela. To say this was a relief to Tony would be an understatement; not only was he gratified by her reaction, it gave him courage to give Angela the final gift under the tree, one which he had hidden behind the tree. Angela had already started to clean up the discarded paper giving him the opportunity to retrieve the present without her seeing what he was doing. So her surprise when he stood in front of her holding another present in his hands was genuine. She dropped the papers gratefully accepted the present. It was about five inches square, not heavy, but her heart felt the weight of the gift and she was almost overwhelmed with a combination of joy and heartbreak as something told her this could be the last Christmas present that Tony would ever give her. Three eager faces watched the scene, all of them wondering what was in the box, but Tony's face was giving no hints.
Angela stayed with her preferred method of unwrapping, wanting to enjoy the experience for as long as she could. Tony almost did lose patience with her now because he was feeling some anxiety over the present. Slowly she undid one side, then the other. The seam at the bottom was undone next, freeing the box from the paper. Angela removed the bow and whimsically stuck it to her hair causing Tony to inwardly reflect on what a gift she was to him.
"Come on, mom!" Jonathan had lost patience.
"Shush, Jonathan," Samantha playfully nudged him, wanting to support Angela as much as she could. Angela smiled at her and picked the paper off the box and set it on the table as she had no intention of ever throwing it out. She lifted the top of the box and found a second box, this one with a dark blue velvet lid. She removed that lid and almost dropped the boxes. Tony came to her rescue and held the bottom of the box, and coincidentally her hand as well. They were now physically closer than they had been in a very long time; and it was something they were both very aware of, and both tried not to let this knowledge show. Tony's nervousness was now amped up even higher. Angela tried to focus on the present and not on how much she was enjoying Tony's touch. As much as she hated to do it, Angela moved her hand away from the bottom of the box, and Tony's supporting hands. She felt bereft, but quickly pushed that feeling into oblivion by focusing on removing the interior box. A light blue satin cushion still obscured the gift itself. Angela moved the cushion away and gasped. Excited, she pulled the ornament out to show it to the rest of the family.
The rest of the family held in their gasps, but their smiles and sparkling eyes showed their approval. Dangling from a red satin bow and twisting just enough to catch the lights from the tree and reflect them was a heart shaped crystal ornament. Etched into the heart was the following:
Merry Christmas!
Bower-Micelli Family
1991
Angela beamed with Christmas joy. The heart of the family had symbolically given her his heart, even if she didn't consciously acknowledge that fact. Tony was relieved to see that his gift had been so well received and the rest of the family almost applauded at the beautiful scene before them, they saw the true meaning of the gift, even if Angela didn't, and the saw the reflection of the gift sparkling in Angela's eyes.
"Gather in everyone, let's put this one on the tree together," Angela suggested. Tony set the empty box on the table and everyone symbolically touched the red ribbon although Angela was the one who placed the ornament in the center of the tree, after Tony jokingly tried to move her hand to a couple of other places on the tree. After settling the ornament on the tree the whole family stood back and admired the new decoration.
"Group hug!" Tony shouted and instantaneously Angela found herself hugged from all sides. She did her best to put her arms around those closest to her, but she was being so tightly held that she could only manage an arm at Tony's waist and an arm around her mother's. She did, however, luxuriate in the feeling of being held so closely by Tony. It had been so long since she had felt the comfort of his embrace, and his embrace had always been so comforting, she'd missed the feeling so much. In the space of just a few moments they had achieved more intimacy than they had in the last several months put together. It was a heady feeling for Angela, but one she was reveling in. She closed her eyes to savor the feeling. No one wanted to break the hug, but even in the closest of families there comes a time when all hugs must end. Reluctantly they let go of each other, breaking off into individual hugs, then going off to get dressed for the day leaving Tony and Angela alone. Angela was bold enough to hug Tony which he considered his best Christmas gift ever.
It wasn't a long hug as Angela quickly remembered that she didn't belong in Tony's arms and she shouldn't let herself get too used to the feeling as then it would only hurt more when he inevitably left. She pulled away and couldn't even look him in the eye when she said, "thanks for the ornament Tony, it's beautiful."
Angela was halfway up the stairs before he could answer, "you're welcome." He watched her go and wondered what had happened to cause such a change in her demeanor. He mentally added it to the long list of things to discuss with Dr. Bellows, then went to the kitchen to start breakfast.
Christmas Day was spent enjoying food, family togetherness, and all the new toys Santa brought them. They said their good nights early to prepare for the flight to Florida the next day and the continuation of their Christmas celebration.