Ch 50 – Enough of Being Brave, Part I

Hi everybody! Happy movie! So sorry it's been so long, this story is for sure one of my favorites! I've had a crazy time trying to update, and this is a chapter I've been planning since I first started writing this story. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed/reached out to me since I last updated. I'm a little rusty with Downton but hope you enjoy anyhow.

P.S. Lots more to come, but prepare for a BIG time jump soon…

September 1921

A warm, summer rain cascaded down on to Downton's lush, green lawn as six-year-old Benjamin Crawley chased the family's blonde Labrador toward the house, his father laughing as he followed in tow, soaked by the rain.

…

"It's that time of year again." Beryl reflected, looking at an announcement that'd been handed around town. "You know this year, I think I'll go, we should all go!"

Now two-year-old Samuel clapped from his place in his highchair, not knowing what he was clapping about, only understanding there was to be an outing of sorts, at least according to his beloved Auntie.

"Go, go, go." He grumbled, his voice low.

The boy had matured in the past few months, no longer a baby, he was a little redheaded spitfire, with his father's demeanor and his mother's strength to boot.

"I don't know about that, Mrs. Patmore." Elsie gave a frustrated sigh, almost rolling her eyes.

"Come on, you have four little ones, and two houses to run: you need a day off!" She insisted.

Elsie laughed, as if finding her friend foolish. "A day off yes! But a day at the fair, chasing this one, is hardly a day off!"

Elsie was exhausted in a way even Beryl couldn't quite comprehend. It'd taken months, but the Carson's had finally settled into being a family of six. Nine-month-old Lucy had grown out of her sleepless nights, Samuel into his terrible twos, the twins into literate, semi-independent beings.…With lots of big questions about life. Things were hectic, but they had their routine down pat… And then, it'd happened.

Just last night, Branson had arrived late in the evening without Lady Sybil, soaked to the bone, and seeking refuge from an insurrection in Ireland of which he'd been part. Branson's alleged crimes, as well as his cowardly act of running to Downton without Sybil, had sent Lord Grantham into a complete tirade, one which had brought the house's normal functioning to a standstill.

Most no one present would ever forget the night Branson returned, and the way the normally calm Lord's screaming echoed through the halls, rendering his family completely silent, and sending the staff into a fearful, but focused frenzy.

The whole affair had affected the Carson family in particular. Elsie had been left to make all the arrangements for Tom's arrival at last minute, while Carson remained with the family during the heated argument to help mediate the crisis if need be… It'd been a thing kept very quietly between the Cora and Carson, but she'd worried Robert was so livid about his son-in-law's actions, and the question of his daughter's whereabouts that he might need to be physically restrained…

At least, that'd been the feeling the Carson children had gotten from their place huddled in the Abbey's library, tired, hungry and ready to go home for the evening. In addition to everything else, Elsie, as Branson's former mentor of sorts, had the added burden of being put in the middle, of being the only member of the household in any position to speak up for the young Irishman… not that she'd volunteered…. But ultimately, she'd been forced to put in a good word… of sorts.

But it was the children of the house who'd really suffered that night. The poor, overtired Carson twins had been left in the library with their rambunctious baby brother while their parents went into damage control mode, seeking to keep the peace. And days later, they were still reeling from it, and so was Elsie.

As for Ben, the poor little boy had spent hours huddled under his bed, scared to death by his father's uncharacteristic tirade, worried that his favorite sister was really lost to them. It'd been a feeling that stuck with Ben for days now, and even after she had surfaced, the little boy found that he was shaken by the experience in a way he couldn't articulate… Like nothing would ever be the same.

And it wouldn't.

Elsie sighed, shaking her head. She couldn't go to the fair, for she felt as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders now. The house waited on pins and needles: Lord Grantham had gone to London to see what he could do to get Tom out of trouble, despite his desire to throw him to the dogs. And Lady Sybil, who'd not yet arrived home, was due to have her baby any moment now. Something which it was also Elsie's responsibility to prepare for.

"I think I'm rather tired to go to the fair Mrs. Patmore. Maybe next year."

"Next year! You're all work and no fun! That's exactly why we should go!" Mrs. Patmore insisted, handing Samuel another cookie and kissing his cheek.

Elsie laughed. "How old are you?"

"Go, go, go." Sam said, bouncing up and down excitedly, his mouth full.

"Old enough to know the lad is right!" Beryl pointed at Sam. "We'll take the children and make a day of it."

Elsie rolled her eyes. "I rather think we need our strength, something tells me this is going to be a birth to remember."

Elsie picked Sam up and left the room, leaving Beryl to pause in thought. "Nothing could be more memorable than Lucy…" She considered.

…

"Where does your Auntie Beryl get her ideas?" Elsie shook her head, minding her skirts carefully as she made her way up the stairs, Samuel on her hip.

"No mummy, go, go." He insisted.

"Hmm we go? Perhaps next year m'lad."

"Elsie?"

Elsie looked up with a jump when she heard Cora call from a short distance up the stairs.

"Oh! You startled me, m'lady. What brings you down?"

"I was looking for you actually." Cora smiled at Sam. "I know you're a bit busy, but I was wondering you'd planned on taking the children to the fair."

Sam simply clapped, he looked up at Cora, his eyes pleading, she smiled sympathetically.

"No I hadn't." Elsie admitted. "I'm afraid I'm a bit busy…"

"Oh." Cora frowned, disappointedly. "Benjamin would really like to go, I have so much to handle and I really need to stay home incase Sybil comes back while we're gone, so I can't go, and I'd rather hoped to send him with friends instead of nanny…"

"Go, go." Sam clapped simply.

Cora giggled, and Elsie sighed. "If you really wish it, I suppose Mrs. Patmore and I could take the children…"

Elsie was annoyed but wouldn't let on. She'd already said no, and with good reason.

"Oh, would you!" Cora smiled. "I'd really be very grateful, I think Benjamin's a little scared of what's happening with big sister. I'd like to get his mind off it for a little while, it'd mean a lot."

"Alright then, in that case I suppose I can make it work out."

"Good." Cora smiled.

"Mrs. Hughes! Help!" Daisy yelled from downstairs.

"Oh!" Elsie cried.

"Here, were you going to take him up?" Cora asked of Sam.

"Yes…" Elsie said, distracted by all the banging she heard in the kitchen. "I'd better…"

"Here, I'll take the little darling up to nanny." Cora soothed, reaching for Sam.

"Thank you." Elsie kissed Sam's cheek, relinquishing him to Cora before hurrying back down the stairs.

"Go, go." He said simply, looking up at the Lady.

Cora giggled. "It looks like you get to go to the fair after all Samuel." He clapped again simply.

Cora rocked Sam, almost hugging him as she made her way up the stairs with him, finding herself unable to believe that soon, she'd be a new grandmother, rather than a new mother. Part of her regretted this. Even now she'd be up for having another baby of her own and found herself a bit sad that this was not to be. Where on earth had the time gone?

"Come on Samuel Carson, let's go upstairs and visit baby sister."

…..

Two Days Later

"Well look at you." Carson soothed, coming into the nursery when he heard crying.

Tiny Lucy Carson, who'd just learned to stand on her own chubby little legs (and still couldn't do it very well) stood clutching the bars of her crib for dear life, and sobbing.

"Oh, look who we have here." He thundered kindly. "Why is Daddy's wee girl all alone?" He asked, lifting her into her arms and kissing her cheek. "Where's nanny my love?"

Lucy, who'd just woken, and been alone for several minutes, was scared to death even now that that her father had come to her rescue. 'Daddy it's scary!' She thought as she screamed, shoving her fist into her mouth, her thudding heart slowing at his gentle embrace.

"Shuuuu what's frightening my wee lass so much?" He whispered, rubbing little circles in her bitty back. Lucy clung to her father's jacket as she cried. She wasn't used to his coming to her aid, but found she rather liked it.

"Daddy's got you now. He's got you my precious Lucybelle."

He picked up a toy out of her crib and tried to amuse her with it for a moment before finding a pacifier in a drawer near the crib and slipping it into her mouth, hoping it would calm her and keep her from getting hungry before Elsie returned from the fair. He'd been surprised when she said she was taking the older children and leaving Lucy on her own.

'I don't wish to go anyway.' She'd explained. 'And Lucy Lamb is simply too much of a wee one for a fair.'

"I do believe this calls for some quality time, just you and your Da alone, isn't this nice?" He whispered, rubbing circles on her back.

Lucy hiccupped, almost squeaking aloud, still clinging to her father's jacket. Carson laughed sweetly and kissed her tiny head, making his way out of the room with the baby still in his embrace. He couldn't place it, but something inside gnawed at him. Something he could not place. He loved his youngest tremendously but found he could not bring himself to put her down now, when, normally, he was quite able to separate his duties from his parenting obligations.

"How about we make the day of it then hmm, you and your Da?" He asked, heading down the hall. "I think we shall have a splendid time."

…

"Now this is my idea of a fair!" Beryl burst excitedly, biting into a wad of pink cotton candy, Daisy on the horse beside her, doing the same. "Daisy what have I told you about too many sweets?!"

Daisy hesitated a moment. "But. You said I could have it!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake Mrs. Patmore, the lass is over eighteen!"

"That's right!" Daisy charged, giving Mrs. Patmore a satisfied grin as she bit into her own candy.

"I just don't want her to overindulge." Beryl shrugged, her mouth full.

"And I'm the one who's a mother hen?" Elsie contemplated quietly, rolling her eyes.

Elsie shook her head, watching Beryl indulge in the treat, and the marry-go-round they rode like she were a child of six. In front of them, her own six-year old's and their friend did much the same, laughing and squealing as the charming melodic tune of the marry-go-round sent them all round and a round.

"Go, go!" Sam cheered from his place in front of his mother. She looked down, holding him tight to her belly as they rode the fake horse, finding herself afraid she'd drop him.

Elsie sighed. In hindsight, wishing she weren't such the curmudgeon that day. 'You should feel blessed.' Something inside stressed. 'Not every mother gets this with her children…'

Elsie didn't know where the thought came from, but bore it in mind, despite the exhaustion that wore on her like a led weight.

"Mummy is glad Samuel is having such a good time." She soothed finally, running her fingers through his hair as she held him. The baby boy laughed joyfully, looking up at her with a bright, loving smile.

The children were behaving, but running her, Beryl and Daisy absolutely ragged. Elsie found she wanted nothing more than a quiet dinner and the privilege of a good nights' sleep but knew that wasn't likely to happen. She sighed, looking down at Sam who bounced up and down excitedly in her embrace, and despite her exhaustion, decided to just try to enjoy the whole experience. Tired or not, how often did she get to take the children out?

'Enjoy every moment.' Something nagged, sending a chill up her spine. 'You'll be happy that you did.'

…

Five Hours Later

The twins sat by the hearth cradling their baby brother and sister as Lord Grantham screamed at Tom in the distance, the sound of the rushing rain filling in every moment between. Night had fallen, and the two tired six-year-olds didn't quite understand why they'd been placed in Downton's library and expected to care for their baby siblings instead of being taken home: for the second time that month. In reality, the answer was simple: Sybil had not come home in four days and everyone, their own parents included, were starting to panic.

Charlie sat cross-legged, his chubby toddler brother on his lap: being difficult.

"Sam! Sam no it's time to eat!" Charlie cried.

"Nooo!" Sam screeched, trying to push his bottle away.

Finally, Charlie was successful in shoving the bottle in Sam's mouth. Sam grew sleepy, but after initially rejecting it, found he couldn't resist the big bottle of cow's milk his brother was feeding him. Normally, he'd have gotten the breast at bedtime, but their parents were otherwise occupied.

Charlotte, meanwhile, had been tasked with the care of tiny Lucy, and sat quietly burping her after their mother had nursed. Being so small herself, Charlotte was nervous that she'd do something wrong and hurt the tiny babe who kept fussing loudly. The twins were afraid she was about to start screaming: something they knew they couldn't handle on their own. Lucy scrunched her arms and legs up, fussing loudly.

"Shuuu Lucy, big brother and sister have got you it's alright." Charlotte soothed, burping her just like their mother had shown her.

Only it did no good.

"I wonder why she's so mad." Charlie bit his lip.

"And where is Benjamin?" Charlotte asked.

By the time the arguing had started, the twins had parted ways with their friend for the day and had been ready to go home. They didn't realize that Ben had been sent to bed, in a weak attempt to spare him from what was happening, and that their parents had to stay at Downton, to play mediators in the fight upstairs.

"I didn't realize how heavy they were." Charlie admitted, grunting a little.

He hadn't wanted to admit it, but the weight of the now two-year-old boy was becoming a bit much for him. His own little legs were fast asleep, and although he often felt like a big kid now, Sam's sheer mass (as well as a simple inability to cope with him) was a reminder that he too was a small boy.

Lucy, on the other hand, was light as a feather, and still very small for her age … but Charlotte could tell something was not right with her. She rocked the fussy baby and held her as close as she could, her own tiny arms starting to ache.

"Charlotte, what if we have to change a nappy before mummy gets back?"

"Ewww, don't say that!"

"Well don't you know how to do it?"

"Of course not!"

"Well you're the one with a doll!"

…

"Shu… shu, Lucy, don't cry, don't cry…"

Lucy scrunched up her entire little body and started to scream, her cry a horrendous ear-shattering sound that made the twins want to crawl into a hole and hide. Lucy had been a more difficult baby than all her siblings combined.

The twins had some knowledge of this, after all, she cried a lot more than Sam had, and was not half the sleeper they were. Months earlier, Elsie and Carson had discovered that their youngest had a bad case of colic. Although it'd gotten much better, Miss Lucy certainly still had her bad days and unfortunately for the twins, this was one of them.

"Charlie, help, what did I do to her?" Charlotte pled.

She looked up, quickly realizing that her twin would be of no help to her as he was busy chasing Sam around the room, trying to ensure he wouldn't pull all the books off their shelves. Instead of falling asleep after the bottle, the overtired little boy had grown very hyper. Charlie grabbed Sam around the middle and struggled to pull the chubby tot away from the shelf he'd been attempting to destroy.

Angered, the mighty Sam screamed bloody murder. Charlie held him at bay, screeching aloud when he realized his tiny brother had bitten him.

"Stop biting me!" The older boy commanded. Sam growled, excited.

"Charlie… something's wrong with Lucy."

Charlie stopped, noting Lucy's continued blood-curdling cry. Even Sam stopped his tantrum and knit his eyebrows together, noting the younger baby's angst.

"I think you broke her." Charlie said simply.

"Yeah, yeah." Sam observed, pointing.

Charlotte looked down, distraught, tears brimming in her little brown eyes.

"No, I couldn't've done. I did it all right."

Lucy screeched, the idea that she was in pain, evident even to Sam. In that moment, they heard Lord Grantham yell again, his outburst surpassing even Lucy's. Charlie jumped, and Sam hiccupped, crawling over to his baby sister and looking down at her, sympathetically. Usually, he was afraid of Lucy, or angered by the attention that she got, but this would mark the first time in his life that Samuel Carson felt responsible.

'You're a big brother now too, just like your big brother.' He remembered his father remind him earlier that day when he'd screamed in Lucy's face, causing her to sob. 'It's your job to care for her and love her, m'lad.'

Sam wondered if this is what his daddy had met: if he was supposed to make the younger baby stop crying.

"Charlie help me!" Charlotte cried, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"I… it's not a nappy is it?" He asked, Charlotte sighed painfully.

…

"Ummm…." Charlotte stirred, hearing Abbey's front bell chime amid the sound of gushing rain.

Hours had passed, and the Carson children had fallen, for the most part, into an uneasy sleep on the library floor. They were the lucky ones.

While the screaming had subsided, the epic battle upstairs had not yet come to a close. Cora was beside herself with worry, and unbeknownst to her, Benjamin hid quite cleverly under her chair, wide awake and listening to every detail.

Carson and Elsie shared a loveseat, both so tired their eyes were nearly bloodshot. Elsie found herself frustrated and out of place being in such an intimate spot with the family. Carson was quite comfortable and found himself in a quandary. It'd been four days and Sybil had still not arrived home. Surely something had happened to the girl. Carson had promised Cora he'd intervene, that he'd be there to keep his smaller, less agile boss from doing something rash, only, Carson found himself in a rather unCarson-like mood and found that he too wanted to thrash Branson within an inch of his life.

Mary, Edith and absolutely everyone else was weary and half asleep, like a jury pool who was sick to death of meaningless deliberation. But Lord Grantham remained in fighting stance: ready not just to pounce but go in for the kill.

Branson gulped, the heat on him as the rain poured outside. Even his tiny brother-in-law glared at him with tiny, hate filled eyes. The young Irishman had made a bad choice, but met no harm to his wife, and found that he wanted the earth to simply swallow him whole.

Then suddenly there it was: he was saved by the bell.

In an instant, they all looked up at the clock. Who could it be at half passed two in the morning?

"I think perhaps, we should all get it." Carson suggested, clearing his throat.

…

The entire group made their way down the stairs and to the door like a gang of frightened misfits looking to solve a murder mystery. They kept in step with each other, pushing Branson well ahead of them in a way one would a hostage. Ben trailed behind the crowd, unseen even by his mother, or so he thought. Mary turned around and stuck her tongue out at him, giving him a playful wink and turning away, tucking her arm in Matthew's. The little boy tilted his head in confusion.

Cora shook, holding herself tightly and fearing the absolute worst. What if it wasn't Sybil? What if it was someone coming to inform them that she was sick or dead or worse? Cora had been patient, and not so panicked about Sybil traveling alone… At least for the first couple of days. But when she'd not arrived after three, she'd become the biggest nervous wreck in the house.

The storm raged outside and just as they reached the foyer the group was surprised to see the door swing open on its own.

"Ah!" Cora practically trembled, rushing to the door when she realized it was Sybil, soaking wet. "My baby!"

She rushed into the rain to greet her, holding her tight and kissing her all over her face. In those moments, everyone burst into collective joy and action, pulling her inside and hugging her, and drying her off.

Poor Benjamin stood in the background, unacknowledged and stared, the mere sight of her, in her very pregnant state, shocking to him. He knew, of course that she was having a baby… but being a little boy, he hadn't thought to think of her in this way.

It was one thing, he supposed, to see Mrs. Hughes so hugely expectant. After all, she was his friend's mother, and mothers had children… But to see his big sister that way really gave him perspective and made him feel even more distanced from his own sisters than he already was.

Suddenly he felt alone. Truly alone.

He stood there: his heart breaking when Sybil rushed to greet Tom, and for the first time, didn't notice him at all. In that instant, he felt something inside him wither and begin to fade away and although he didn't know it, that moment would become a marker in time he would never forget: one that would inevitably steer him closer to the Carson siblings than his own. For good.

Tears welled in his eyes and he turned on a dime, rushing up the stairs as they started to flow. Edith turned suddenly, seeing him rush away, her mouth agape, but she couldn't find the words to keep him from running off.

…

An Hour Later

"Samuel Carson what on earth are you doing?" His father admonished.

"At least he didn't come into the foyer with everyone." Elsie sighed.

The Carson's had walked into the library to find their children in various states of exhaustion. Charlie was on the floor asleep, sucking his thumb. Lucy dozed in her big sister's arms; her long, delicate eye lashes resting sweetly atop her beautiful, chubby cheeks. Charlotte remained barely half-awake, doing her best to ensure that Lucy was being held properly.

"Did… did she come back?" Charlotte asked weakly, having heard Sybil's voice, or so she thought.

"Yes m'love." Elsie soothed, taking her infant out of her daughter's exhausted embrace.

And of course, in contrast to his siblings, Samuel had been caught red-handed: he was wide awake, tearing a book to shreds: completely naked.

Carson sighed, hastily dressing the toddler. "Samuel. I think we need to think about our clothing choices… or lack thereof…"

"Mummy I think he weed on me." Charlie complained, struggling to wake up, his eyes practically refusing to open.

"No he didn't m'lad. But I do believe someone threw up on you." Elsie bit her lip, trying not to laugh.

Elsie felt terrible for her children's state but couldn't help finding the scenario just a wee bit humorous. If Charlie had had any idea how many times she'd been weed on or thrown up on, or stayed up all night, he wouldn't dare complain about it happening to him just the once.

"Oh." Charlie looked down, noting that someone had thrown up on his shirt.

"It's alright m'love. We're going to go to bed now, and mummy will clean you up before we sleep."

"Yay." The twins cried dully, both unable to help closing their eyes once again.

"Nooo." Sam complained, shaking his head. "No bed!"

Carson lifted his twins into his arms and Elsie cradled their little ones as they made their way to the green baize door, the exhausted family giggling with joy just because they were together. Upstairs, everyone could be heard still excitedly greeting Sybil, but unbeknownst to anyone on either side, Ben sat in the middle, listening to both parties from his place on the staircase, a single tear rolling down his cheek, his face in his knees.

The little boy looked up for a split second just in time to catch Charlotte's eye. She said nothing but simply reached for him, clutching her fist as if desperate to grab hold of him, understanding and concern in her gaze.

He stared back, his jaw quivering, his eyes pleading with her.

'I love you Ben.' She mouthed, clinging to her dad's neck.

Even in the dark, Ben understood her meaning, and from that moment, the idea was written firmly and permanently on the tablet of his heart: Charlotte Carson understood him and would love him for all her days.