Ch 52 – Enough of Being Brave, Part III

"Of course, there you are my love. You would be right here." Cora whispered impossibly quietly, tears pouring down her cheeks as she ran her fingers through her sleeping son's hair.

Cora was shell-shocked, and had run from the house, the need to see her youngest child so pressing she could not contain herself. Some part of her had known it was a bad idea. That she shouldn't wake her young son out of a cold sleep and tell him their world had changed forever. Initially, she'd needed to see him so much she'd hoped to wake him, but Elsie had talked her out of it.

'You can't tell him now.' She reasoned. 'You must wait until you're as prepared as you can be, until you have a quiet moment and all the facts…Until your heart is a little less heavy.'

The Lady's heart was beyond heavy: she'd come to see her son out of a desperate need for solace, and instead, found that like his big sister, he was wrapped up in fate: literally. Sybil's destiny had been true love from downstairs … Followed too quickly, by the early call of death. How did that bode for Benjamin, whose fate was so clearly wrapped up in the butler's daughter?

"Yes, where else would you be my darling? On a night like tonight." Cora asked herself, staring as Charlotte sighed, hugging Ben tight in her sleep, as if he were the most treasured thing in her universe, and hers to protect.

"I'm so sorry about their sleeping arrangement, we put him in with Charlie and…"

"He's so sweet… they're so sweet." Cora said simply.

This wasn't the first time she'd come into the nursery to find Ben and Charlotte together: not by far. In fact, she feared she'd started the habit when they were babies. Cora never spoke of it, not wanting the twins distanced from her son in any way. Her heart beat fast as she watched the two together: just tiny children, finding it most obvious tonight, of all nights, that the two found the utmost solace in each other.

'Maybe.' Cora choked as she searched her son's sleeping little face, noting how blissfully peaceful he was in the arms of his friend. 'Sybil was happy enough, for it to last her the lifetime she didn't have…'

Cora reached out to brush his cheek again, wishing she didn't have to do this to him: to destroy his sense of peace and wonder … It was killing her inside, almost as much as the loss its self. She started to blubber as she leaned down, to kiss him.

"Mama." He stirred, not opening his eyes.

Cora jumped, having suddenly been grateful he hadn't awoken, for she didn't think she could bare to explain after all.

"Shuu." She whispered trying to hide the emotion in her voice. "Baby came, and mama just stopped by to say good night. Shuu go back to sleep."

Ben yawned deep. "Ni mama."

And with that, Cora started to sob again. Elsie dropped to her knees at her side and hesitated a moment before hugging the lady from behind.

"Shu." Elsie soothed. "We're here, m'lady. We're all here for you."

…

Elsie was never so glad that the next day was a sunny one, the first in a week. She was able to send the children outside to play, a tactic which almost served to cover up the oddity that they would spend the predominance of the day at the Carson cottage and not make their way back to the Abbey or even hardly make mention of it.

The children were all curious about this from the time they woke up. It'd started, not with a day outdoors, but with a grand breakfast … breakfast which consisted of total junk, the likes of which Ben had never really been fed much of. Ben joined Sam and the twins at the breakfast table in their bare feet, not at all used to eating in such a casual setting. But the experience was enough to keep him quiet, and that's exactly what Elsie had had in mind.

The little boy wanted to question when he was going home, his sense that something was very wrong only reinforced by the myriad of sweets on the table. But, the little Lord-to-be decided that for now, he didn't want to know: instead, he'd indulge in the extra slice of cake and the friendliest of company.

It'd taken just hours to know, but Ben liked it here at the Carson's and could stand to live as they did. He didn't know, this was the American in him talking.

"Now." Carson thundered as he came into the room. "I need one of you to come to the Abbey with me… to fetch some things, then we'll be back." Elsie shot him a warning look, terrified he'd ruin the entire thing, but he quickly elected a child of his own choosing. "Charlotte." He said, lifting the little girl out of her seat as she munched on a strawberry, "How about you come with your daddy?"

"But I was going to…"

Elsie rolled her eyes, knowing immediately that he was just being jealous: he wanted her away from Benjamin.

"Mr. Carson." Elsie chastised, exasperated.

"But Daddy, I was going to play with Ben and…" Charlotte cried hopelessly.

"Nonsense, Master Benjamin will have a boy's day with the Carson brothers. Doesn't that sound like fun lads?"

"I guess…" Charlie mulled as Sam reached over, taking a bit of cake off his brother's plate and shoving it into his mouth.

Charlotte pouted, a lump forming in her tummy over her longing to stay and play with the boys. She felt tears welling in her eyes as her father sent her up to fetch her shoes. Elsie followed her husband into the hall, fuming mad.

"Charlie let her stay!" Elsie insisted.

In addition to finding him ridiculous, she didn't want the boys to think of Charlotte as separate and leave her out of their play in future. Elsie feared that day would come soon enough, Ben being of higher station, and Charlie and Sam being brothers close in age. It seemed logical that soon, there'd be a schism. Elsie feared Charlotte would be left all on her own in that event, being the only little girl in the lot.

Sure, she had a wee baby sister now, and the newborn Crawley grandchild was said to be a girl … But that didn't mean much when they were both nearly a generation Charlotte's junior. If anything, Elsie assumed, hesitantly, but rightly so, that Lucy and this new baby would be thick as thieves in a year's time… And they would.

What she hadn't bet on was that she should give all the boys more credit. Charlie would always see his twin sister as part of himself, and no matter how old he got, would not be able to stand being far from her. Even as a seventy-something-year-old man, Charlie Carson Jr would make major life decisions based solely on his ability to be close to his twin sister.

Samuel would always look up to her and include her in whatever fun he was up to. And Benjamin would never leave Charlotte out of anything, or turn his back on her … Not even when pressured to.

"Daddy please I don't want to go." Charlotte pouted as she came down the stairs.

"Never you mind Charlotte, daddy needs one helper for today to carry some things, and it's your turn." He picked her up.

"Charlie…" Elsie warned. "If this is about…"

"About what?" Charlotte asked.

Elsie narrowed her eyes, not wanting to say it was about her sharing her bed with Ben the night before.

Carson sighed, "We'll only be an hour or two at most."

"Mr. Carson, Mr. Carson." Carson looked down, startled to see Ben tug on his jacket.

Carson cleared his throat. "Yes, Master Benjamin."

"Cricket please, you said it was a boy's day."

"Yes daddy, stay and play cricket with us!" Charlie begged.

"Alright lads, I'll be back. And we'll play a game of cricket."

…

"Daddy why did you make me come with you?" Charlotte pouted, crossing her arms as her father carried her.

For the first time in her short life, young Charlotte found herself on the verge of a fit.

"Charlotte." He said sternly, depositing her at Mrs. Patmore's kitchen counter, next to Daisy. "Don't complain, it'll only be an hour or so. Now, wait here until I get back."

Carson walked off, leaving his confused daughter with a bereaved Daisy. The maid, a girl herself, stared at the child in horror, like a deer in headlights, and simply gulped.

"What-what are you doing here?" She asked, just as Mrs. Patmore walked in. The cook gasped at the sight of her goddaughter, and echoed Daisy's sentiments.

Charlotte raised an eyebrow as Daisy and Mrs. Patmore began to panic and bicker amongst themselves, turning away from her.

"You didn't say anything did you?" Mrs. Patmore challenged, swatting Daisy.

"Of course not!" The other girl pulled away from the cook.

"Say anything about what?" Charlotte questioned, her chin in her hands, her elbows on the countertop. This, in Charlotte's mind, was the ultimate test: here her elbows were, on the countertop and Mrs. Patmore had not noticed!

Daisy and Mrs. Patmore turned to her for just a beat and froze before beginning to argue with each other again. Feeling unnaturally defiant, and like she might get away with anything, Charlotte took the opportunity to slip away from their usually watchful gaze, and made her way down the hall.

Charlotte was smart, and quickly realized that it all made too much sense: Daisy and Mrs. Patmore being on pins and needles… Benjamin being at her house when they all practically lived at his… Her being brought here without the boys and her mother ... Something was wrong.

The little girl crept down the hall and passed her father's pantry without him even noticing she was there. Several others passed her by, hurried and abnormally distraught, not paying her an ounce of mind, which was highly unusual.

Charlotte stopped a few doors down from her mother's sitting room when she heard crying from inside one of the little storage closets. Suspicious, the junior Mrs. Hughes pressed her little ear against the door and blinked, listening carefully. Without even really thinking about it, Charlotte subconsciously understood that talking with this person, whoever it was, would explain everything that needed explaining. She knocked just once, not really giving the person on the other side of the door time to respond before pushing it in with a long creaking noise.

"C-Charlotte!" Thomas cried, turning away, as if trying to hide. "W-what are you doing here? Didn't your mother teach you to knock? Oh. That's right…" He remarked: Charlotte didn't understand the slight, aimed at her mom.

"Are you alright?" She asked sweetly.

Thomas sighed, drying his tears. "Charlotte. You should go."

Instead, she walked over to him and he grabbed her hands sweetly, his head hung low. She bent down but looked up, searching his sad eyes for answers no one else was willing to divulge

"Why are you crying? It's alright Mr. Barrow." She whispered.

Thomas gulped, wondering what to say to his boss' little girl. "No." He said quietly, deciding to be truthful. "It's not."

"Well. Then what's going on? Is this about the baby?"

Thomas didn't know what to say, feeling he'd get in trouble for being frank with the girl when her parents had clearly said nothing yet. On the other hand, Thomas mourned Sybil because she'd been one of the few people who'd ever shown him kindness and honesty … While he couldn't say the same for her parents and her twin brother, Thomas had great love in his heart for Charlotte, (and later in life, would show her great devotion) because she'd always shown him exceptional sweetness. It was, or would become, what Carson had with Mary.

"Charlotte. I…"

Thomas studied the junior Mrs. Hughes carefully, having second thoughts about what he was about to say. Not one to admire someone for being of noble birth, Thomas was cautious about Charlotte in a way he was about few other people, for he knew she was special. But he also believed she deserved his honesty.

He sighed. "Charlotte. Yes, the baby came last night. Do you… Do you remember the hard time your mummy had, having Lucy?" He wondered if she'd understand this.

Charlotte nodded cautiously.

"Lady Sybil also had a difficult time. And Charlotte." He sighed, tears streaming down his cheeks. "She didn't make it, lass."

Charlotte gasped, her eyes wide as she let go of Thomas' hands and bolted down the hall.

…

Charlotte kept to herself for the rest of the day, daring not utter what she'd been told. She believed every syllable of it, for Thomas was honest with her in a way he just simply wasn't with everyone else, and his words rationalized everything that was going on: from everyone's sadness, to Benjamin's stay, to her mother plying them with desserts…

Charlotte watched with a lump in her stomach as her father trained the boys in cricket. By that time, she didn't wish to join as she had before, and instead, stared at Benjamin as he played with her father and brothers, wondering how he'd take the news, and worse, feeling supreme guilt for not just telling him. Charlotte couldn't say why, but felt that Ben was in some sense, her responsibility.

'Maybe.' She thought. 'I should tell him.'

But Charlotte barely knew how to conceive of such a thing. Sybil was dead? Wasn't that just for old people? The little girl's heart hung heavy, at the thought that a girl young enough to be her friend could be dead, that her friend's sister could be dead, and most of all … that her mother could've easily suffered a similar fate.

Charlotte was very smart, but being only six-years-old, the mounting realizations were simply too much for her to fully process. Her thoughts were clear, but the more that came to her, the less she found herself able to emotionally handle the information. She was overwhelmed and wished to confide in her parents but knew better: they'd tell her when they felt the time was right and until then, she'd just have to wait.

So, just as the cricket game got intense, Charlotte mentally checked out. Throughout the rest of the day, she stared off into space, spoke very little and pushed her food around rather than ate it, the increasing shame over keeping such a secret from Ben, nearly impossible for her to deal with. Even so, she wondered what he already knew, recalling how upset he'd seemed the night before.

'You should tell him. Really it should be you.' Something inside pressed.

Come bed time, she stared up at the ceiling, nearly comatose as her mother and father went about their routine, happily and lovingly bidding them all a good night. Carson and Elsie had only not noticed their daughter's state because they were so overwhelmed themselves, something none of the children even sensed. Charlotte felt like she'd gotten a thousand kisses from her mummy and daddy, but none of them soothed her burdened, panicked soul.

"Good night m'lass. I love you." Elsie whispered cheerily.

"Mummy I love you.' She whispered as the light went off.

Charlotte lie there quietly as she heard her brothers fall asleep, both having inherited their father's distinctive snore. Within moments of that, Ben climbed into her bed, she said nothing, the weight on her heart so big she didn't even know what to say now. This time, she let him pull her into a hug, and in turn, wrapped her arms around him.

"It's okay Charlotte." He said.

"Hmmm?" She asked with surprise. Charlotte had no concept of the fact that Ben sensed her distress, just in the way she sensed his.

"Whatever it is: it's okay." He hugged her. "You're my best friend. And we'll both be okay, no matter what."