Ch 53 – Enough of Being Brave, Part IV
"Mummy?" Charlotte asked.
"Hmmm?" Elsie questioned, rubbing Lucy's back as she placed her in the kitchen sink.
Several days had passed since Lady Sybil gave birth and passed away in the middle of the night. Carson had gone back to daily work at Downton, leaving Elsie home alone with all the children, including a now very disheartened Master Benjamin.
Rain poured heavily, soaking parched earth and creating vast pools of flowing mud. The inclimate weather kept the children stranded indoors and increasingly restless. By now, Charlie and even baby Sam had come to realize that something was very wrong. None of the Carson children could ever recall spending so many days at home without going to Downton, much less with Benjamin there with them.
The three boys had secluded themselves in the big closet underneath the stairs, placing a crudely scrawled sign on the outside of the door that read: Boys Only. Keep Out! … Except for Charlotte Carson. The space had become something of a play place for the Carson brothers. Just a bit larger than a modern queen-sized bed, the little room was not much more than a miniature alcove, its tilted wooden ceiling charming, but leaving something to be desired with regard to height.
Eventually, it'd become a makeshift bedroom for two growing boys who found themselves too old to bunk with their sisters… And they'd find it would get them quite prepared for army life.
Charlotte jumped, and Lucy squirmed, both crying out when thunder clapped outside. Charlotte, who stood on a tall step stool reached over, hugging her mother tightly around the hips, planting her face in her side.
"Shuuu, my wee lasses, it's alright." Elsie soothed, rubbing the top of Lucy's nearly hairless head lovingly. "Thank you for helping mummy with wee babe, Charlotte."
Charlotte bit her lip, a disheartening question on the tip of her tongue. It was the hundredth time she was going to ask, but Charlotte found herself simply staring as Lucy started to fuss desperately.
"Oh Lucy. Lucy lass, there's no need to cry." Elsie laughed. "We're not a newborn anymore, and we shouldn't be afraid of the bath. Shuuu."
"It's okay Lucy." Charlotte soothed, putting her hands in the water-filled sink, and splashing it around, trying to distract the baby.
Charlotte grimaced, finding her efforts were completely futile, as the baby just started to fuss again.
"My, my wee Lucy has a bit of her big brother's countenance in her, doesn't she lass?" Elsie soothed as she hurriedly washed the baby. "She's cranky enough for me to call her the mighty wee Lucy."
Charlotte gulped, helping to cover Lucy's eyes as their mother poured water over the baby's head.
"Mummy…" Charlotte asked finally.
"Oh there, wee Lucy lass, we're alright." Elsie soothed, kissing Lucy's cheek as she lifted her out of the tub, wrapping a towel around her. "My wee Lucy we're alright."
Charlotte paused again once her mother lay Lucy on the counter and started to dry and dress her.
"What is it Charlotte love, hmmm?"
"Mummy I…" Charlotte stopped and started to whisper. "Mummy I know the truth… but. Is it the truth? Is Lady Sybil really…did she die?" Charlotte's eyes welled with tears.
Elsie stared back, aghast. "H-how'd you hear that, lass?"
"Mr. Barrow."
Elsie sighed angrily, laying the baby on her shoulder.
"Please don't be mad at him mummy… I found him crying. And I know its true: he doesn't lie to me like he does everyone else."
Elsie smiled sadly, taking her little girl's hand, and leading her to their tiny living room area. She paused, taking care to make sure that none of the boys had come out of their hideout. She sighed.
"My love." Elsie whispered, laying Lucy down on a blanket by the fireplace with some toys.
The baby girl, now nine months old, propped herself up on her hands and scooted a little, making, an effort to crawl, that, for the time being, went virtually nowhere.
"Oh, my Charlotte." Elsie whispered, sitting on the settee and pulling the child onto her lap. "You're so young to lose a friend." Elsie bit her lip, wondering if that was true, it hadn't been entirely uncommon when she was a lass, and was certainly common when her own grandmother was a lass… "Your daddy and I have been debating how to tell you and Charlie… And as for Master Benjamin."
"Mummy I'd never tell him."
"That's right. I don't know how long we'll be taking care of him. But I suspect the poor lad knows. Charlotte, I know you'll continue being a tremendously good hostess for Master Benjamin. Please just ... Try to make him happy. He has many sad days ahead."
Charlotte was unsure how things would go forward from here. Child or not, she was smart and found it highly irregular that he, being of such noble birth, should be allowed to stay at the butler's house days on end, and that her own mother could be spared from her very important job.
What she didn't realize was that the family was bereaved and had no idea how to explain the death to a little boy who'd been tremendously close to his big sister. Cora was not functioning, Robert was furious, and the nanny… The nanny at Downton was overburdened by a new, motherless baby who had almost no way to eat and was constantly screaming and starving.
She certainly didn't have time for a kindergarten-aged Lord-to-be, his best friends, and their handful baby brother and sister. Downton was not a happy place to be: so Elsie stayed home in the rain, just her and five children.
"Mummy?" Charlotte asked suddenly.
"Hmm?" She asked, sighing.
"Why does daddy get mad when Ben sleeps in my bed?"
"Ooooh…" Elsie considered uncomfortably, not wanting to answer.
….
Elsie found she was nervous as she walked up to the house; nervous enough to have to try and dry sweat-soaked palms on an already soaking wet coat. She'd not been back to Downton in days, not since the night they all left during Sybil's labor, and she had no clue what to expect. Daisy had come down to the cottage to watch the children, allowing Elsie to make her way up to the house alone, and if the girl's extremely jumpy demeanor was any indication, things at Downton were likely beyond dire.
An uneasy cold feeling had swept over the house, pervading Elsie's senses the moment she walked through the back door. She shuddered, as if trying to shake it off, and tiptoed inside quiet as a mouse, as if trying to avoid everyone, even downstairs. In truth, Elsie didn't want much conversation. She wanted to handle the business at hand and get back to her brood of children as quickly as possible.
In truth, she would not have come if she hadn't felt she had to, but she had no idea what to do with Master Benjamin. She didn't mind keeping him and would for as long as was needed, but after nearly four days, his extended stay was beginning to seem a bit improper, especially when there'd been a death in the family and he still knew nothing of it.
So far, Carson, Elsie and Charlotte had managed to keep silent on the matter, taking careful steps to ensure Ben didn't hear anything from them or from the villagers. But it was getting difficult to keep him isolated. She'd not allowed him, or Charlie to spend much time outside, or make a trip into town with Mr. Carson, and the boys were getting restless.
Besides that, Ben just knew. Elsie could see it in his eyes, in the way he picked at his breakfast. In the way he clung to her when she tucked him in… She could no longer stand the way the little boy's sad eyes pled with her, as if begging not for relief from his panic, but for truth she didn't feel free to give to him.
And that's why she'd come to Downton that day, to see if there was a way to send him home … or find out if she and Mr. Carson were to tell him the truth.
'M'lady?' Elsie asked, poking her head in the nursery door.
Cora stood over the baby's bassinet, simply staring, almost catatonic.
"She looks just like my Sybil…" Cora's voice was distant.
Elsie gulped, gathering herself as she came up behind Lady Grantham. She said nothing, peering down at the baby, captivated in an instant in a way that took her breath away.
"She's beautiful." Elsie whispered.
Elsie couldn't imagine how Cora must feel: this new baby was the image of Sybil as a newborn, it was completely overwhelming even for her. Seeing the baby took her back to Sybil's first days, when she was a newly married woman, trying desperately to have a child of her own. For just a moment, it shocked Elsie that it was really twenty-years later, and that she was the mother of four now.
'The poor wee thing…' Elsie considered.
Sybil's passing was sad enough, but she couldn't imagine the little one's lot in life. Privileged or not, she'd grow up being compared to a mother she'd never met. Elsie knew that would be a devastating way to live.
"She's perfect." Cora whispered.
"Your Ladyship… I know this is tremendously difficult, but Mr. Carson and I would like to know what to do with Master Benjamin." Elsie shook, deciding to just say it.
Cora sniffled, looking up from the baby like a deer caught in headlights. "Oooh." Her eyes welled with tears. "I miss my darling baby boy so much! But I… I don't know what to say to him. Is he alright?" Cora put both of her hands over her heart, as if shielding it. "Is he scared? Is he alright? I hope he's been no trouble…"
Elsie smiled sadly. "He's an exceptional, well-behaved little boy. We are happy to keep him for as long as you need. Only. I know he misses his mummy very much. And his home." She explained. "We've told the children nothing, but… Cora. He knows something isn't right. And I don't know what to tell him."
Cora looked up again, hopelessly this time, and let out a pained breath. "I do."
…
"Mummy!" Ben cried, tears in his eyes. He opened his arms wide and ran to his mother as she came through the cottage's front door.
She got on her knees, trying her best to smile bright even as her eyes welled with tears the little boy did not notice. Cora sniffled, holding him tight, her cheek pressed to his as she ran her fingers through his hair.
"Oh, my boy my darling boy." She pulled away, just long enough to look at him. "How is my darling boy? Are you having fun?"
Cora couldn't help but notice he seemed to be having fun, and despite her pain, something about that simply delighted her. The little boy, who'd run out of clean clothes a few days before, was wearing one of Charlie's shirts (which was a bit too big for him) and had come to the door to greet her, totally barefoot. She noted he seemed comfortable this way, that he liked how the Carson's lived. It was the American in him, shining through… Just as it always had with Sybil.
Ben nodded, biting his lip after a moment with the realization that his mother's eyes welled with tears. He reached out, cupping her cheek with his tiny hand.
"Mummy what's going on?" He whispered, knowing he'd get an answer out of her when he'd not from the Carson's.
"Come along my darling, you and I are going on a little walk."
…
Benjamin clung to both of his mother's hands, desperate to stay by her side as they walked. She squeezed his tiny hands lovingly, wishing she had the strength to pick him up as they made their way through the tall grass. The wind blew gently as fireflies danced around them, the stars twinkling bright above. It was a beautiful night, almost enchanting; and one Ben would never forget despite what it brought.
Cora stopped when they reached the top of a little hill and laid out a big fluffy blanket she'd borrowed from Mrs. Hughes. Ben was perplexed when his mother spread it across the grass and lie down on it. He'd not known this side to her, but he liked it more than he could say, and joined her without even asking. Cora pulled him into her embrace, cradling him as he buried his face in her side, hugging her tight. The little boy sighed, his soul comforted to be in her company regardless of what else he felt.
"Mummy." He asked again. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, my little darling." She whispered, staring up at the sky.
Tears welled in Cora's eyes, and she found herself totally unsure, once again, of what to say to her son. Concerned, Ben wiggled out of her grasp and crawled up to where he was eye level with her, he grabbed her chin, turning it to meet his gaze and stared her down.
"That's better." He said confidently.
"Yes, that's better." She agreed, smiling sadly, and pulling him into her arms. "I suppose you know my darling, that I've got something to tell you."
"Umhuuum." He nodded.
"Did you know your mommy's always loved the stars?" She asked, holding him tight, but turning her gaze away from him. "She used to take great comfort in them when she was a little girl, and then when she first came here, and she was all alone." She whispered this part: "They make her feel like she's not so alone."
Ben titled his head, studying her. "They're pretty mummy."
"Yes, they are. You know what my favorite thing about them is?"
"No."
"When you really, really love someone. No matter how far away they are." She teared up. "You can always look up and know they're seeing the same stars, and the same moon … And that way, you'll always be together."
Cora held her breath, trying not to cry. She knew her precious daughter was beyond the moon and stars, but the principal still held true for her somehow, and she thought it might be a gentle way to ease Ben into this.
"So, Sybil can still see my same moon and stars ... in heaven?" He asked nervously, growing tired as he ran his fingers through his mother's hair.
She turned to him, narrowing her eyes. So, he knew?
"Yes, my sweet darling. She can." Cora soothed, cupping his cheek in her hand, and pulling him in close as she started to sob. "Oh, my darling. I'm sorry. I know you loved your big sister so, so much, and I'm so, so, sorry!"
Ben started to cry too, his heart sinking as he threw her arms around his mother and the two just cried.
"I love you mummy." He promised as she sobbed, allowing herself to grow hysterical. "I love you so much. I love you so much! And I promise, I promise I'll never leave you!"
"Oh my boy, my precious boy." She whispered, kissing his cheek as she rocked him, and wishing that were true: that Ben could really promise he'd never leave her.