"Hey Lydia, wait up!"
Lydia sighed and turned round to face Peter for what felt like the hundredth time that week.
"No Peter, Aslan hasn't spoken to me."
Peter ran a hand through his hair, "I'm sorry I keep asking," he said, the frustration obvious in his voice. "But isn't there something you can do? We really need to speak him."
"I don't know Peter." Lydia tried to hide her irritation but it was beginning to leak through; she was as new to this as everybody else.
"Maybe it's a one way thing, maybe he doesn't think you need him," she said choosing her words carefully.
"Maybe he wants you guys to do this one on your own, you know, prove yourselves to those who doubt you."
Or maybe he just doesn't want to speak to me. She chose to keep that part to herself.
"Hmm I doubt that he'd leave us like this," Peter said clearly not believing Lydia's excuses.
"I don't think you trust him enough Lydia," he shook his head. "We definitely need him right now and I think you're the only one that doesn't see it"
Lydia couldn't really argue with that. Narnia definitely needed some sort of help, now that they roughly knew the size of the Calormens armies, it was clear that Narnia was vastly outnumbered.
Lydia had watched in dismay as the boys Edmund was training were becoming more prepared for battle instead of merely protecting their homes.
In short Narnia needed a miracle.
Lydia cast a sympathetic glance at Peter, he seemed to be becoming less sure of himself as the days went on, not knowing where to attack, when to attack, who to listen to and her main way of easing that burden seemed to be the one thing she couldn't do.
"Look, Peter I can't make Aslan come if he doesn't want to." She said softly, "I can try again now if you want and you can watch if you prefer, maybe that'll help."
She was almost hoping Peter would refuse, she felt that these moments when she tried to talk to Aslan were private and she knew she'd look like a fool if it didn't work but Peter nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes that might just work! Actually stay here, I'll go and see if I can find Susan, Edmund or Lucy, they might be able to help as well."
"No, not Edmund!" Lydia blurted out then realised what she'd said quickly added, "He's got a lot on with training new soldiers."
"Hmm and Lucy was supposed to be riding out to the villages today as well." Peter scratched his chin, "I'll go get Susan then, she can always give whatever she's doing to Glendan."
"Right okay. I'll meet you in my room then" Lydia suggested and Peter nodded, pleased that a problem was potentially solved.
He clapped Lydia on the shoulder jovially, "I know this will work."
Lydia blinked.
Those words had been ringing in her head since the evening after her sword training with Edmund. Whilst Peter said them confidently, Edmund had been tentative, as if not wanting to scare Lydia away.
But in reality she should have known things didn't work like that.
In reality, Lydia had gone to bed with a smile on her face only to be haunted by fragmented dreams of her mother, alone and scared, thinking that Lydia had abandoned her, of Edmund sword fighting with Aslan's voice looming in the background.
She woke up in a cold sweat
Was Aslan sending her dreams now too?
She had spent the last few days in a daze, equally wanting and dreading Edmund making another move. He had occasionally tried to take her hand but her expression resembling a deer in headlights was clearly confusing him.
She shook her head as if to physically remove Edmund from her thoughts and turned the door to go into her bed chamber.
It was time to wake up.
There was a soft knock on her door, "Lydia are you ready?" Susan walked through the doorway, the tired shadows under her eyes the only tell that she, like all the Pevensies, was struggling to cope.
Lydia leapt up of the bed, "Wow that was quick, I'd barely got back myself."
Susan smiled and sat down lightly on Lydia's bed, Peter followed in behind her and shut the door before motioning for Lydia to sit down again.
"I must say, this is a very good idea of yours Lydia" Susan said in a bright voice, "I really think this could work."
"It better, we need it to" Peter said darkly but was silenced by a look from his sister. He sighed, "Just try your best Lydia" he said casting a brief glance at Susan to check she was satisfied with this. He sounded unapologetic and not for the first time Lydia felt a sinking feeling.
This was not going to work.
The Pevensie siblings were now watching her expectantly.
"Right then, um I'll just get started then" Lydia said and then moved to sit down, thought better of it and remained standing.
Okay she thought, just be normal about this, just do it like you normally would.
She gave another glance to Susan and Peter who were trying and failing to hide their own excitement before shutting her eyes.
"Err hi Aslan" she said feeling more and more stupid as this went on, "I know you haven't called on me recently but we really need your help, not just me, everyone. You must know what's about to happen in Narnia and the Pevensies really need your advice."
She stopped and opened her eyes. Nothing. No tug on her stomach, no feeling of dizziness, no bright light. Nothing.
Well it had never been likely to work anyway, Aslan had always called her, it had never been the other way round.
"Well? Did he say anything?" There was a sharp edge to Peters question and Susan laid a hand on her brother's arm.
"Give her time Pete" she said softly but despite her words was also looking at Lydia with excitement.
Lydia shuffled her feet. "I don't think this is going to work guys, I'm sorry."
There was an awkward silence then Peter got to his feet. "Well that's that then. Nothing to be done about it." He said before abruptly leaving the room.
As soon as he'd gone, Lydia groaned and put her head in her hands, "Great, now Peter and Aslan are disappointed in me" she said.
Susan moved to her put her arm round her and Lydia leant into it, the touch feeling warm and comforting.
"You can't be so hard on yourself. Yes, Peter doesn't hide his disappointment very well but he doesn't blame you, none of us do."
"I never did think it was going to work" Lydia said miserably, "I hoped but deep down I always knew it wouldn't. It's clear Aslan doesn't work like this."
Susan nodded and looked away, "I had my suspicions as well" she admitted, "But it's not your fault" she said firmly "You're only muddling through like the rest of us,"
"Yes but everything I do seems to be the wrong choice, I haven't got anything right since I arrived. The only time I felt like I'd was where I was meant to be was when me and Ed escaped from those Calormenes and now that's gone as well."
She felt her eyes start to prickle so she turned away to ferociously blink back tears meaning she missed the perplexed expression on Susan's face.
The young queen gave Lydia a moment before saying, "I've never heard you call Edmund Ed before."
"Yes well, we're quite close now" Lydia said through sniffs. She turned back to look at Susan
"Susan can I ask you something?"
"Of course. Ask away."
Lydia stammered, starting about five different sentences before finally picking one.
"How has Edmund been in past relationships?"
The mood in the room shifted instantly as Susan looked up and Lydia could see the obvious delight in her eyes.
"Oh so you mean you've finally noticed!" She laughed at Lydia's confusion. "It's been obvious for a while now that Edmund likes you!"
Lydia stared at her dumbfounded, this was not how she had expected this conversation to go. "Yes I'd noticed" she said quietly.
"And do you like him?" Susan pressed
"I may have feelings for him" Lydia said determinedly avoiding Susan's eye, "But I don't want him to influence me to stay. That needs to be my decision."
And the guilt of now wanting to stay for him is haunting me, she thought.
"Hmm" Susan paused while she considered her answer leaving Lydia to grow more and more red as her last sentence seemed to be stuck on a loop inside her head.
"I can't be the one to tell you what to do." Susan eventually broke the silence, "I think you know what you want and you're just scared." She said gently.
When Lydia offered no reply Susan stood up gently, "I'll leave you to your thoughts" she murmured leaving Lydia alone once again.
#
The next problem for Cair Pavarel came the same day. Glendan had gone back to Redhaven, without Susan.
"He's just gone back for recruits, he'll be back within the week" Susan said with a tight lipped smile when she was asked. "Why would I go with him when I'm needed here?"
Lydia could almost feel the anger radiating off Susan but chose not to say anything, she'd never seen Susan angry and wasn't sure she wanted to.
Whether Glendan was bringing reinforcements or not, his departure had caused considerable tension in Cair Pavarel.
Lucy was now the only person in the castle who was not short tempered or irritable with an oncoming battle looming, but it was the two brothers who seemed to be feeling the pressure the most.
Lydia would often see at least one of them wandering through a corridor muttering to themselves. This wouldn't be a problem except she often found them together with their heads bent only for them to break up when they saw her, Peter looking angry, Edmund looking guilty.
Edmund would often brush past Lydia with barely more than a murmured hello. Sometimes she was tempted to yell at him to turn round and talk to her before remembering that she was the one who had caused it.
He hadn't come close to her in days.
And she was fine, completely fine without him. But she knew it was only a matter of time before it all came out again.
#
Their breaking point came one evening when Lydia found herself sat with a book whilst the Pevensies and a variety of centaurs crowded round papers and maps.
"Put some troops there" said Peter pointing at the map. "And then the rest can stay here till needed."
"Yes I'm still not sure the Calormens won't split their troops" Susan said leaning over the map.
Lydia stood watching. She was itching to involve herself, anything to distract her but this seemed to be the one time she wasn't wanted by one of the Pevensies, which didn't contribute much to her sense of belonging.
"Are you quite sure there's absolutely nothing I can do?" she finally asked Peter as the maps were rolled away but not for the first time he gave her a polite smile and shook his head.
"We're still playing a waiting game Lydia" he said with a tired strain to his voice. He was sat at a long table surrounded by papers.
Lydia resisted the urge to sigh in disappointment and turned back to her book but she'd no sooner turned a page when she felt Edmund sit down next to her.
"What are you reading?" he asked. Lydia kept her eyes focused on her book. "Just a history book I found in the library" she replied, "If I can't help you now, I should at least know more about this place."
She felt her breath hitch when Edmund suddenly put a hand on her knee but still kept her eyes on the book.
He leaned in closer, "Ignore Peter" he murmured, "It's not fair, you having to sit on the sidelines. We'll find you something to do."
At this Lydia finally looked up and saw the flush to his cheeks and the dark shadows in his eyes.
"No Edmund honestly just leave it-"
But Edmund was already raising his voice, "Susan!" he called out, "What was Glendan doing before he left?"
Susan scowled, "He's coming back!" she insisted.
Edmund shrugged, "But whilst he's not here, no one's doing his work."
"Hmm, he was just making weapon arrangements, making sure we had enough supplies, that sort of thing."
Edmund smirked at Lydia, "Well there you go, there's your job. Excellent."
Lydia nodded silently and turned back to her book, feeling her face beginning to flush.
She missed the glare Peter shot at Edmund from across the room.
"Edmund" he said, the tone of his voice a warning.
Edmund's eyes flashed and he visibly tensed, quickly removing his hand from Lydia's knee and folding them.
"Is there a problem Peter?"
Peter gave his younger brother a measuring look "You know what my problem is" he said, "It's the same problem you had until very recently."
Lydia shut her book, realising she'd read the same line three times.
Lucy had been lying on her stomach reading a scroll but she looked up as well, "What are you talking about?"
Peter shifted uncomfortably, "Just something me and Edmund have been talking about recently"
"Yes and it's something that no longer needs to be discussed." Edmund said loudly causing Peter to huff and turn away.
Edmund grinned and relaxed into the sofa, his arm sneaking round Lydia's shoulders. Lydia pointedly ignored the way her heart leapt at that.
"He's just annoyed because he knows I'm right." He said and Lydia let a small smile onto her face.
"Thanks" she whispered and Edmund nodded before leaning back and shutting his eyes.
His arm didn't leave her and despite her fears, Lydia couldn't deny that it felt nice. It wasn't fair.
She was just considering leaning back into Edmund when she noticed Peter had turned round and was now glaring at the two of them again.
She shivered causing Edmund to crack an eye open, "Peter, seriously just spit it out," he groaned.
Peter bristled, "No," he snapped and stood up causing parchment to go flying. "You know what I think and you clearly don't care so what's the point?" He glared around the room and then Lydia watched as the colour drained from his face and he rushed out the room.
His siblings watched him go and Lucy turned to Edmund, "You need to go and fix that."
She said but Edmund had already shut his eyes again,
He snorted, "Why should I?"
Susan tutted, "Because you two have been itching for a fight all day and you've gone too far Ed. And the rest of us don't even know what you're arguing about."
She put her letter down, "We can't be arguing at a time like this, now Glendan has…left" she shut her eyes for a moment to compose herself. "Well until Glendan comes back we need everyone to pull together, we don't know how much time we'll have."
Edmund didn't open his eyes but a small frown appeared on his face. Lydia took a deep breath then put her hand on his knee.
"Edmund" she said quietly and while he didn't react, she could tell he was listening.
"This isn't you," she said hoping Susan and Lucy couldn't hear her. "Go and sort it out with him."
There was a moment where she thought Edmund was going to ignore her as well but he sighed and opened his eyes, immediately focusing in on Lydia's hand. She blushed and tried to remove it but he stopped her.
"Don't do this please" he said, "I'll go and sort that thing out with Peter but you have to know the reason my heads all over the place." He looked down to where their hands were still entwined, "I can't go on like this, not with everything else going on"
"But Peter doesn't want-"
"I don't care about Peter's worrying" Edmund interrupted. "And I know deep down you don't either, you're making excuses"
"I know, I'm doing the best I can. Please believe me." She pleaded.
Edmund's eyes shut, "I know, I'm just so tired. Of everything."
He pulled his hand away and stood up, "Right I suppose I'll go and stop Peter from destroying anything." He said speaking to the room.
Lucy and Susan nodded and said nothing though Lydia saw Susan watching him with a bemused expression.
Satisfied, Edmund left the room and the minute he'd gone, Lucy giggled, "It's hard to know which one of them is more stubborn."
Lydia said nothing and leant back against the sofa. "We're too young," she whispered to herself.
"Excuse me my lady?" Lydia's eyes shot open to find a shaking Jack Russell standing over her.
She cringed hoping the small animal hadn't heard her. "How can I help you?"
The dog continued to shake whilst holding out a letter in its paw, "I, I came from Redhaven"
"Ah I believe that'll be for me." Susan said briskly, walking over and plucking the letter from the dog's paw. If she was nervous she was covering it up well but Lydia could see a slight shake in her hands.
"Thank you" she smiled sweetly at the dog who yelped and then ran from the room.
Lydia watched as Susan fumbled to open the letter and then eagerly scanned the contents. There was a moments silence and then she squealed.
"He's coming back tomorrow!" she said happily and Lucy got up to hug her. "What else does it say?" she said looking over Susan's shoulder but Susan danced out of her reach.
"He says his recruitment plans at Redhaven have gone well" she said, now pacing up and down, "He says he's got a good few thousand abled men and that nearly all of them have got their own weapons and that they're about one day ride away!" she stopped and clutched the letter to her chest, seemingly lost for words.
"But this is excellent" Lucy said beaming. "It doesn't matter if Calormen split their forces as we now have the numbers to match that."
"I thought me and Edmund saw the full army though," Lydia tried to join in but lost in the excitement, Susan dismissed this,
"No we've decided we can't be sure on that" she said giving Lydia a look that implied she should have already known that. Lydia felt herself sink onto the sofa.
Fortunately, Lucy sensed her discomfort. "Don't worry Lydia, it doesn't matter if you don't understand this stuff"
"It should matter though," Lydia said quietly as not for the first time that evening, she was ignored by one of the Pevensies.