Glendan's words hung over them as the Narnian forces trudged home through the forest.
They had got word from Lucy that an attack from Glasswater Bay on Narnia whilst not imminent, was certainly coming. Lydia hung back with the rest of the Pevensies to check that the majority of Narnian forces made it back across the border safely, whoever Rabadash had left in Archenland was apparently unwilling to leave the valley.
This didn't prevent them from jeering the retreating force however.
"This is unbearable." Edmund muttered through clenched teeth as the jeers and taunts became louder, "We should just kill them now while we have the chance."
He was still gripping his sword with an iron tight fist, his knuckles white.
Lydia tentatively laid a hand on his arm. "We can't afford to waste any more time, you know that."
Edmund visibly sagged, "I know" he sighed. "I'm normally the one holding Peter back. But when I'm out here and I can see my own men lying on the ground…well it's just hard to think straight." He looked over to the main battlefield and Lydia followed his gaze. The bodies sticking out of the mud were hard to ignore, she wondered whose job it would be to clean them up.
She looked away and coughed slightly causing Edmund to break his gaze.
"You're right" he said. "We need to go."
Edmund's horse seemed to have materialised at the mere mention of his rider leaving and was stood next to Celer. Lydia mounted quickly and looked around nervously.
"Are we safe here? The Calormen could easily send arrows to pick us off." She pointed out but it was Susan who answered from nearby.
"Rabadash will want us to alive, having only Lucy surrender for Narnia isn't his style. Not that she would do that." She said, spitting out the words. "He'll have told his men to not to kill us, especially me." She added glumly.
Glendan opened his mouth furious so Lydia quickly intervened.
"Let's just get out of here, we've got enough to do." She said firmly earning a perplexed look from Glendan but he complied.
Peter who had been arguing furiously with Orion came over to them and said wearily. "Orion reckons we have a day or so before Rabadash sends his main forces down into Narnia."
He sighed, "I can't believe we fell for a decoy."
Lydia looked up to see Edmund staring resolutely at the ground and she felt her own face heat up-
"Lydia move!"
She heard Susan screaming and the air seemed to shift around her as an arrow came whizzing towards the group. Her and Celer were right on the edge of the group, she could see its pointed tip aimed straight at her and yet her body felt sluggish as she threw herself down onto Celer's neck yanking the reins forcing the horse to veer sharply to the left.
She laid still for moment, she could her own heartbeat furiously against her ribcage.
She gripped onto Celer's mane as if the pressure could bring her back down into reality.
"Lydia are you alright?" Peter's was now a voice of concern. Lydia groaned and looked up.
"I'm good, we're both good." Celer stamped in response.
"That was clearly a warning" Susan said looking round "and nearly all the injured have been moved anyway. I reckon we should go?"
Glendan and Peter murmured their agreements. Lydia nodded and looked to Edmund but when she met his eyes, they were filled with fear.
Not waiting for his reply, the others set off and Lydia watched as Ed roused himself as if coming out of a trance, flashed Lydia a weary smile and then galloped off, easily outpacing everyone else and more importantly setting a pace Lydia was unable to match.
She had no choice but to trudge behind the rest of her Narnian friends.
The walk home in itself was heart breaking.
A sense of hopelessness covered the forest like a blanket, even the trees seemed bowed in resignation. Peter muttered to himself continuously, his thoughts being punctured only by messages from Lucy through Orion; she was preparing for Cair Pavarel to come under siege.
Lydia personally did not see the hot headed prince prolonging this but she held her tongue.
No one thought to ask her about Aslan; part of her was pleased about that, it was never something shed been comfortable in sharing but part of her, the part that was becoming steadily more dominant, was screaming for someone to acknowledge that she'd done something.
She'd gone from refusing to attach herself to Narnia to actively saving it.
Surely she deserved some recognition.
But there was no such acknowledgement, not even when they returned to Cair Pavarel. Lucy had met them at the door, already carrying an armful of scrolls.
"We've had word from Archenland that Rabadash have sent ships up their coast." She said as way of greeting.
Peter slid off his horse and tossed the reins to a nearby faun. "So they've finally taken pity on us." He laughed darkly, "Bit late now isn't it?"
Lucy gave him a long measuring look, "Irregardless of the source, the information has its uses, we need to move quickly, we can't allow the Calormens to go too deep into Narnian territory."
Lydia slid off her own horse, "Where's Edmund?"
Lucy waved a hand vaguely, already beginning to walk back inside, "He came back earlier." She said, "He'll be around somewhere, probably with the soldiers."
Lydia nodded and was about to give Celer to one of the stable hands when she saw that the others had already dismounted and were walking back up to the castle already. She watched them for a moment then shook her head when a faun tried to take Celer's reins.
"No don't worry" she said, "I'll do it myself."
Cooling down Celer was soothing, it felt like Lydia was able to slow down her thoughts and focus on one thing at a time. Cool Celer down, take off her bridle, take off her saddle…
"Lydia?" She felt the familiar knot in her stomach that tended to appear when Edmund was around. She turned to face him.
"Are you alright?"
He nodded and for the first time since she'd met him, he looked unsure of himself.
"Can I come in?"
She looked at him, "You're a King, it's your stable."
He walked in, not taking his eyes off her. "Yeah I guess."
She smiled at his word choice, "You're beginning to sound like me" she said, "What happened to the boy from the 1940's?"
Her smile faded a little when he didn't answer but kept staring at her, like he was seeing her for the first time.
"Ed? Is everything okay?" she asked and he was right in front of her now, she could see a shadow in his brown eyes and she was about to ask him again when he muttered:
"I'm not from the 1940's, I'm from Narnia."
He pushed her against her the stall door and she could hear Celer snickering behind her but she didn't care because he had crushed his lips against her and was kissing her with a fierce intensity that she hadn't felt before. She fisted her hands into his shirt and he bit down on her lip. She whimpered involuntarily but it only seemed to spur him on; she would have bruises if he kept this up.
"Ed, what are you doing?" she pushed him away slightly and he moved away but the cloud hadn't left his eyes.
"I just needed that. Sorry." He was breathing hard and she could see a faint blush on his cheeks.
"Its fine, you've had a terrible day, I get it."
She sat on the nearest hay bale and motioned for him to follow.
"I've been with the soldiers" he said, after a moment. "We didn't lose many but it was enough. Enough to make their absence noticeable. Some of them are so young." His voice began to break and he began yanking the straw out of the bale.
Lydia cupped his face,
"Ed look at me. It's not your fault, you're much younger than most of them."
Too young she added in her mind but now wasn't the time for that argument. He needed her to be strong this time.
His fingers stilled against the straw. "We're not just villagers" he said slowly, "I've got a duty, this is what I was born to do. What the four of us were born to do. I'd die for Narnia."
Lydia moved her hand around to her stomach, "I wish you wouldn't say things like that. It makes me feel guilty."
"What, because you wouldn't?" Ed laughed softly and leant in to kiss her again. She felt herself lean into his touch but he pulled away again.
"I would never expect you to. I wouldn't want you." He leant back and surveyed for a moment.
"Have you given any thought to that?" he asked.
"To what?"
He raised an eyebrow "You know."
Lydia blinked. "Today hasn't scared me off if that's what you mean. If anything it made things clearer; I'm in this for the long run." She felt as though her words were coming from someone else, she could hear them but they didn't feel like her.
She was supposed to be thinking things through but sat there, watching Edmund pull apart pieces of straw she found herself saying:
"Seeing you covered in blood, it made me realise how stupid I'd been, pushing my feelings away so I could make an informed decision." She shook her head, "I was wrong, of course you're going to influence my decision because I can't stand the idea of forgetting you."
She felt Edmund's hand suddenly clasp hers but then the pressure disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. He turned away from her, his body rigid.
"But you've done exactly what you said you wouldn't." He was fighting to keep his voice level. "You've let yourself be influenced by me. And when that option disappears and you realise you're stuck here, you'll come to resent us, resent me"
His face had gone very pale and Lydia felt an ice cold fear drip down her back.
"No, no Ed, that's not going to happen, things have changed since I said that."
"Things have changed for me too. Seeing you dodge that arrow, come that close to death…" his voice trailed off.
"That arrow wasn't meant for me."
"But you could've died." He almost shouted this at her and at her widening eyes he stopped and ran a hand through his hair.
"No I can't let that happen" He turned and grasped both her hands.
"You've got to go home. Please."
It took a moment for the words to sink in. A few weeks ago, she'd have been pleased with that, pleased that someone had made the decision for her. But now, after today, it felt wrong.
"You don't get to decide that." She whispered. "I'll forget everything."
He swallowed, "It was something that you were seriously considering until yesterday. And isn't that worth it to know that you're safe."
She shook her head, "Not anymore."
"Sorry am I interrupting?"
Both Edmund and Lydia jumped at the sound of Peter's voice.
"No I think we're done here." Lydia said, turning round to smile weakly at him. Her voice was too high and Edmund was rubbing small circles into her thumb. Peter frowned as she snatched her hands away.
"Sorry." He said again, not sounding in anyway apologetic. "Ed, we've been looking for you everywhere, we need to brief the men and Susan thinks you're the best one to do it."
"Okay, I'll be right there." There was a slight tremor in Edmund's voice but again Peter chose to ignore it. Edmund gave Lydia one last look of desperation before walking away.
Peter watched him go and then held out a hand when Lydia got up to follow him.
"Actually Lydia, can I just have a quick word?"
Lydia resisted the urge to sigh and sat back down. "What about?"
Peter stayed stood, "You and Edmund."
Her eyes narrowed, "What about me and Edmund?"
"Look I won't drag this out. He can't be distracted." Peter was determinedly not meeting her gaze. "And whatever is going on with the two of you is definitely something that he doesn't need right now. He's our best swordsman. The men need him to be completely focused. And so do I."
Lydia blinked. "So you're forbidding us to be together."
Peter wore a slightly pained expression, "Yes."
"Well lucky for you, he also feels me being here is an inconvenience" She realised she'd stood up at some point and was glaring at Peter. "So you don't need to worry, he's already saved you the bother."
Before either of them could realise the full implication of her words, she stormed past him leaving the High King staring after her dumbfounded.
She marched all the way back to the castle silently raging against the two Pevensie brothers.
How dare they try and force her to do anything? Had today meant nothing to either of them?
She was still raging when she bumped into Susan and Glendan who were sat on a windowsill in the castle entrance, heads bowed. Her thoughts strayed to Edmund and her on that same windowsill and she groaned slightly.
"Lydia? I'm glad you're here, we'd just sent Peter to find you" Susan turned to smile at her. "There's a meeting in a few minutes."
"I don't think I'll be invited to that" replied Lydia. "Edmund seems to want me to go home."
Susan and Glendan exchanged glances and Glendan stood up awkwardly, "I think I'll head off." He said and motioned for Lydia to take his seat before hurrying off.
She smiled slightly at his obvious desperation to leave the situation but complied. Susan leant forward as if the two of them were just about to share idle gossip.
"So what exactly did he say?"
Lydia recounted the story choking up a little only when mentioning Peter. "For the first time I felt useful today and I know that's terrible to say as people died but I did, being able to stop that battle because Aslan chose me." She paused and swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. "It felt good." She trailed off until Susan gently prompted her.
"Do you feel Peter and Edmund don't appreciate that?"
She nodded, "Yes I think that's the problem. I finally got a taste of the one thing I've wanted and they've suddenly moved the goalposts, everything I've done, how far I've come is meaningless if I go home now."
She felt tears beginning to form and she shook her head in frustration causing them to spill, hot and angry into her lap.
Susan pressed a lace handkerchief into her hand. "Don't let them decide for you." She said.
"If you've done anything whilst you've been here, it's that you've taught me how people that want the best for you are often the ones who can hurt you the most."
She watched as Lydia dabbed at her eyes. "If I'd have listened to my siblings about Glendan then I would've ended up resenting them."
"Yes but this is different." Lydia sniffed, "Me and Edmund are only starting out. But then again when I think about it he's a huge factor in me staying, that's why I'm in this mess."
Susan fixed her a long pointed stare, "Stop overthinking it." She said firmly.
"Yes you want to be with Edmund and yes a part of you wants to stay because of him. But you've just said yourself that you felt a change today."
Her eyes softened slightly and she took the handkerchief away, "Lydia, this clearly isn't just about Edmund and if he can't see that then that's his problem. And as for Peter," she huffed slightly. "Well don't worry about him until you have to."
She smoothed out her skirt and stood up, extending an arm for Lydia to do the same "Now you're going to walk into that meeting and show them that you're perfectly in control and know your own mind."
"Even if I don't?"
"Even if you don't." Susan agreed making Lydia smile slightly and accept Susan's hand.
She was still confused and so so tired but Susan's words had stuck a chord. She allowed the older girl to steer her down the corridor towards the meeting, or war council, she didn't know what to call it. Whatever it was, it wasn't something she particularly wanted to go to; feeling a purpose hadn't extended as far as battle strategy.
She was right to think she wasn't expected, everyone else was already seated when her and Susan walked in and she saw Peter flush slightly before looking away and striking a conversation up with Lucy. Edmund was slightly subtler and merely stared at her, this time though she met his eye and stared back fighting the well trained instinct to make an excuse and leave. She let out a shaky breath when he raised an eyebrow and looked away and if he had an opinion on her sitting next to Susan, he said nothing.
Peter cleared his throat, "So umm now that we're all here we can get started. The obvious thing to discuss first is where to meet the Calormens…"
Lydia allowed herself to be dragged into the world of battle strategy and preparations. This was one area in which her role was clear, she listened and tried to learn as best she could; having a map in front of her helped somewhat.
And to be fair to the others the plan sounded good. In two days time they would leave for Glasswater Bay, Lucy's intelligence had reported the Calormen army would be unable to attack before then.
If the idea of battle still made Lydia's stomach turn, it was now just possible to ignore; she took pleasure in smiling pleasantly every time someone looked at her, expecting her to protest. She wasn't going to stay in the shadows any longer.
She could feel Edmund's eyes on her the entire time, even when he was speaking to the others she could still feel his impenetrable gaze and she resisted the urge to smirk at that. So he was worried about what she'd do?
Well at least he'd guessed she wasn't going to let him decide things.
He was still watching her as they were packing up.
"Lydia? Can I talk to you for a minute?"
There was a hint of fear in his voice which made Lydia look up. She nodded.
"Lets go somewhere else then." She said and sauntered off not waiting for him. She heard Edmund mutter "I'll see you tomorrow" to Lucy who was still there but she kept walking waiting for him to catch up; she didn't even know she knew how to saunter.
"Are we going somewhere in particular?" Edmund called as he jogged to catch up with her.
She finally turned round to face him, "Here's fine." She said firmly, her voice cool. He looked at the ground sheepishly.
"Look, I'm sorry about earlier." He paused.
"Go on" she said.
He spread his hands, "I nearly saw you killed and it sent my head all over the place. I decided that I couldn't watch that happen because of me." He smiled sadly, "Earlier was my way of saying goodbye I guess, its why I was acting so weird."
Lydia felt a stab of guilt at this, "Well you don't get to decide things for me" she faltered slightly. "You should know that, both you and Peter should know that." She watched him closely, "I'm not going anywhere thought, you know that right? Actually being able to fight for Narnia changed things."
She sighed, "I don't want to fight with you Ed, let's just say it was a miscommunication and move on."
She went to wrap her arms round him and felt him jump slightly before pulling her closer to him.
He looked down "You still angry with me?"
"No, you're allowed to be concerned about me. Just don't make decisions for me, we're supposed to be in this together."
"So if you do stay," Edmund said slowly, "It's not because of me?"
She shook her head, "No, it's because this was all partly my fault so I want to be here to fix it. You're just an added bonus really."
Edmund gave a crooked grin and the tension of the moment was suddenly gone, "As your 'added bonus', do you want to come back to my room? I can show you it properly."
She raised an eyebrow. "It's late."
"I know."
She kissed him lightly, "Let's go then."