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I don't own anything related to Fate/stay night; this is a work of parody
Prologue: Lost Child.
"I will get her. Take him and wait for us outside!" Ren takes Shirou out through the smokey hall. I don't have time to think about this.
I slam into my daughter's as hard as I can. Katarina's door won't budge; it is blocked from the inside. My blood is cold, and the only thought in my head is: 'I will not lose another child!' "Vindr!" It is the pride of the Saijo magic crest, a simple mystery that cuts the air with intense wind. Vocal incantation is sometimes unnecessary, but I have not cast anything in many years.
The door is sliced in half diagonally, but the blockage remains. The ceiling has collapsed behind the door.
I push my circuits, throw my body and reinforce. The rubble explodes as I kick with my entire being, the strength of a mother with a child in danger.
She's not in bed... it's something that should break me, but I will not give in until the final second.
"Katarina! Where are you!" My reinforced body can sustain this, but I don't have the strength to keep it going for long
"Here..." it is a voice as faint as a mouse, but it is enough. I rip open the closet and find her there. My baby is rolled up on the floor, hiding from the conflagration outside. For children, hiding from a fire can be a natural reaction, even if it is a terrible idea.
All that matters is that she lives. I will keep her alive no matter what; I owe it to Luka. The ceiling creaks and is mere seconds from collapsing. I pick her up and, in one movement, do a flip back into the hall.
She's safe in my arms, but I hit my head straight into the wall. It feels like mush. I can't form the will to perform much of anything like this.
I haven't achieved anything; the hall burns at the same intensity. I overcharged my circuits already; since there is no mana in this air, I am directly using up my od.
My life matters little compared to the one in my hands. I don't deserve life anyway. So I reinforce again, but only what matters most. Little Katarina's body shines as I pour magic into her. Her weak breaths pick up as her lungs strengthen to the point that even the smoke is bearable.
If I can protect her with my body, that's what I will do.
I can't possibly move anymore, 'I'm sorry Shirou, Ren, I can't get to you.' I close my eyes. If I am to do this, then I will succeed in it, no matter the cost.
'Throw it away then.' It's a simple solution. So I forget everything but reinforcement, the off switch is no longer a concept In my mind. I ignore the pain; I can because I have turned it off. I will drain myself down to my soul if I must; I would rather burn than see another child die. This girl must live, that is my wish! I am fading; even consciousness is a luxury I cannot afford anymore. But I move, or rather, am moved. My vision is jumbled, skipping parts and all out of order. Not that the smoke allows sight anyway. What matters is that I am outside now, holding her in my arms. Saved... someone came... I didn't see them, but I knew their touch.
'Ahh, thank you.' we were saved by someone. Someone who no longer exists in this world. Someone so important to me. A dear husk of ash, holding out to the last moment to give a minuscule chance to live. I will sleep soon, but the reinforcement will go on. My eyes close, and I drift. I'm being dragged down through a vicious muck. It is my memory. It has become a black place, a habitat conducive to regret.
Quiet voice (music) /6ZFH2QR-Vbc
The thread of my life is unravelling...
Born and raised in Germany, I was the fourth bearer of the Saijo magic crest, a line that had descended maternally thus far. An only child, I was desperate to leave and explore the world. If I had stayed in Germany, this wouldn't have happened.
After achieving my General Fundamentals degree from the Clock Tower, I decided to become a freelancer. If I hadn't been so naive and become a researcher instead, this wouldn't have happened. I took work as a war photographer, but I also worked with other mercenary magi in operations worldwide. I learned the rules of this world, the strong eat the weak, and women and children are the first to suffer the consequences.
I walked through enough war that nowhere felt peaceful for me anymore. The whole world is hell.
I had the magus mentality then. I thought I was above normal people, I knew the world was hell, but I thought that wouldn't apply to me. If I hadn't become dependent on self-delusion, this never would have happened.
I met Ren in Japan, a man who was not a Magus yet he had a side to him that even that side was attracted to. In the end, he was ordinary and that's why I could love him. We married a year after meeting, and unexpectedly I fell pregnant not long after.
When I gazed at my first child: Luka, it was the first time I had felt happy to live in this world. I was so very happy in those years. But I was greedy, so greedy. A magus cannot have a real family, that is the rule. I wanted that warmth so desperately; I thought that I could still be exempt from the rules of the world even if I gave up on magic. I gained a few favours as insurance and left the world of magic behind. As my family had nothing of value to plunder, few seemed to care.
Two years later, there would be Shirou and later Katarina would... be born into the family. It was the tradition in my family for the women to have western names. If the world was hell and the root impossible to achieve, the best I could do is to create my own little heaven. Ren wanted to name her something else, but she must not have that name. She would rather be Katarina, my beloved daughter. Looking at her would sometimes make my stomach roll, but that was a deep-seated shame I knew not from where it vested from.
My memories of her younger childhood are so distant now that they feel as if they are made up of air, but I know why that is so: for those days can only be recalled by accepting the sorrow of how they ended. Those were golden years; naturally, that meant they would end. I knew that I was naive, but I deluded myself into thinking that I was overthinking.
It's that summer day now. It has been a year and a half since then. Luka was eight, Shirou was Six. Luka was the older brother, protective of his siblings but also defensive of his position at the top of the sibling hierarchy. Shirou was the most energetic; he was always making up some new game or drawing, and he would compete (and lose) to be the top of the three siblings.
Katarina, as the youngest, was the follower but also the treasure that everyone looked after. It was almost like she wasn't even there half the time. They were inseparable, constantly playing, even with other children. She was always looking up to her brother, being tugged along as if she felt she didn't really belong.
They were always so happy, can you blame me for looking away for a moment? I certainly do.
The scene when I look back is different from what was there before; it was full of crimson. I froze, I could understand the situation, but I refused to believe it. If I had acted then, I surely could have saved him.
In short, Luka died.
My own memory of the event is fragmented and out of order, my mind sealing it as deep as possible. Katarina's face was one of terror; she stood there looking at the forms of her two brothers lying in a pool of red. Yes... Katarina is my beloved daughter. Katarina was an important person to me. My head hurts, even as I die, just thinking about it.
I moved fast then, a speed that rivalled an enforcer, but it no longer mattered.
Blood flowed from Luka's pierced heart, yet still, he stood there, holding himself up in front of Shirou. Shirou had already fallen to the ground, blood had pooled below him, but he was unwounded. I made it in time to watch my firstborn son fall to the ground dead. I watched his already lifeless eyes smash onto the wet ground. Memories crack when there is irrelevant information or when it is so damaging that its existence would drag the mind down. So I pretend that there was no event. The park, a quiet place where sakura trees bloomed, But I can only affiliate it with crimson.
That month after was worse for me than any war or mission in Africa ever was. Luka was gone. Like a hole ripped him from thin air. Like someone had come to take him away then disappeared from sight. A demon from hell... A demon took his blood and like a parasite turned my son into flesh for it to do as it wished for.
I was never forgiven for being a magus, and my children suffered for it. Shirou had begun to experience nightmares every single night; I had to begin waking him myself in the middle of the night. I don't blame him for it, for I too suffered through the same nightmares so cruel they brought me tears. But I didn't care about myself anymore, all I wished for was to free my only remaining son from a curse before it took hold of him for his entire life.
Katarina had become subdued and her voice quieter. She fit snuggly into her place as if she had always been there. I never did figure out what had really happened that day, Katarina was the only witness, but she would just cry and shake uncontrollably if you asked. My beloved daughter: she is very important to me. Shirou told me that I hurt him in his dreams: he was afraid of me. To hear that was like my heart was being squeezed into a million pieces.
I was desperate enough to bring him all the way to Europe to be seen by the only magus I trusted: Henrietta was her name. She was an old friend, someone that I could understand. I was a mess and fell into her arms readily. I was weak, and she was the only person I could trust with this... I had loved her truly once.
Trust was the most important factor, even if dreams were far from her speciality. A normal magus or, god forbid, the Clock Tower would dissect him at first sight of anything interesting. In the end, she couldn't do much more than teaching Shirou some of the basic theories of dream control. She recommended that I teach him to magic myself, but I refused.
At the root of it, I had become afraid of Magic. I could no longer look into that hell without feeling the same dread as I did holding my dead son in my arms.
The thread of my life was almost unravelled now.
Two weeks ago, it started. Messages from the world that it wasn't done with me yet. Explosions, murders, even a river monster sighting. Insanity and mass hysteria... but it was death itself making its move.
It was the moonlit world; what else could it be? But I sifted it away in my brain, imagining that I was a coincidence. It's easier to pretend there is nothing to fear than admit it is reality. I hoped that by ignoring it, it would just leave me alone.
I had averted my eyes to the incidents, and in return, I was left completely unprepared when I awoke to the feeling of a swirl of magic in my vicinity. It was overwhelming to my senses. It made the feeling of the Clock Tower seem pathetic. I couldn't look away anymore; it was enough that my mind had no ability to resist.
I told Ren to check on the kids, and I would look outside. Even in my worst moments, I never feared that the hell of war would come to us directly. It was over before it started: I was certainly born to suffer this fate. There it was, hell made manifest. I had warned her, but she didn't listen! She didn't believe me when I told her that the world was hell! Burning mud poured through the street, my home. The place I thought I could hide. Everything died horribly at its touch.
I summoned a squall of wind to direct it away from home. The strongest ritual that my family taught was one that turned the conducted air to the point of even reaching typhoon-level wind speeds. I try it from memory. Yet my circuits are so weak from unuse and it is a feeble imitation. I was a weak imitation of a magus from the beginning. The strong me gave up, and this is a natural conclusion. I am too weak to save even myself.
My Magecraft betrays me in the end, and I become so fatigued that I could barely stand. It only serves to spread fire from house to house. Mud spits through the air and scalds my face. It brings a pain that goes farther than my body, it seeps into my heart and drains my memories. I lost it and ran back into the house.
I go to wake up Shirou, I can save at least my child...
Thus, the thread was fully straightened out. It was time for it to be cut in half by the knife of fate.
(Music Stop)
That mud has judged me. The thread is taut, a little more, and it breaks. But to end it now would leave me unforgiven.
Luka is dead because of my weakness. Ren is dead because of my self-delusion. And Shirou is dead because of my ignorance. But if there is even a chance that Katarina yet lives, then I can at least give the remainder of my essence to her. Even if all that remained for me to grasp was the devil, then I would do that if only to reach out of this nothingness a final time.
...My beloved daughter... must save her...
I won't last long, no matter what, but a brief epilogue would be enough for me.
Stranger (Music) /MhAcoQuGfHg
A bright light, white, not red, fills my vision. For some reason, my mind expected red. 'Why would it be red? Don't be stupid, Katarina... The world can't be red.'
It just can't.
The last thing I remember was dinner; we had a simple stew that Mom liked to make. Shirou was being a doofus, we played a little, and then I fell right asleep. I dreamt of a hot place. It was incredibly wet.
How does that explain where I am now? A high room, with lots of beds with kids just like me in each one. It was dark. There was no sound, and my body felt cold. Cables ran into my arm. My eyes pulsed from strain.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The only thing that stirred in that room was the machine, everyone else was so still it was like they were statues.
I could speak, but they must be playing some type of silent game, so I didn't dare. All these kids and not one awoke to speak, it's something they could never pull off in school. The silent game was dad's favorite, and I was quite skilled. That lasted for a good while. I was in no rush to figure out anything, it was a school day, and I got to sleep in. I wasn't feeling well anyway.
When a short lady in white came to check on me, she seemed surprised to see my eyes open and moving. She immediately ran out of the room. 'Oh, no, she caught me.' She came back with an unfamiliar man in rustled white clothing. I thought they were angry at me for not being quiet enough, so I shut my eyes shut. They came to both sides of my bed; the woman took my hand.
"Are you awake young lady?" She said in a soft voice; she wasn't a mom, though. I shook my head. I didn't want her to think that I wasn't taking the game seriously. "No? You're not awake?" She placed her hand on my forehead. "You don't have to be quiet, you know, don't just hold it all in."
Guess we're not playing anymore. When I opened my eyes, she asked a strange question. "If you had to rank your pain from zero to ten, what would it be?"
I was confused. 'Why would I be in pain?' I thought. Just a little headache, my eyes were pulsing a bit.
"Uhh, zero, no pain, feel fine." My voice was scratchy now that it came out.
"Are you sure, no pain at all? I want you to be truthful. let us help you." She was trying to exude a calming voice, but again, she wasn't mom. She wasn't Nii-san. 'Where is Shirou?'
"Well, a little thirsty," I admitted.
"Oh, let me get that for you." She ran off to the bathroom.
"You were the first to wake up, you know. We're delighted to have you doing so well." The man spoke up now; all I could tell was that he was not dad. Not Mom or Dad, shouldn't we be getting ready soon?
"Young lady, I know you may be disoriented but you are in the hospital. You were involved in a fire; you've made a great recovery, and you will be okay." He smiled cheerfully. I didn't really know what he was talking about.
It was a bunch of nonsense.
Then the small nurse came back with the water. "Here, sit up," The man helped me move up on the bed, so I was sitting on my behind. "Ok, here you go" she held the water to my mouth and poured it little by little down my throat. 'That's weird...' My arms won't move. "Feel a little better now?"
"Yeah..."
"Do you mind if we ask some more questions?" The doctor with black eyes asked me.
"...Okay," they didn't ask before.
"First, introductions, I am doctor Nakamura, and this is nurse Koyama; what is your name?" I could give my name. Mom used to make me say it to the other kids all the time. It's an important name and is the only one that matters.
"Katarina Saijo, it's a German name." I was always annoyed at the other kids getting confused with my name being flipped.
"I see, that's good to hear." the Doctor took notes while the nurse held my hand. "Can you tell us about your family? Do you know their names as well?"
"Well, dad is Ren, mom is Elza and Nii-san is Shirou." There used to be Luka too, but he left before I knew him too well. ...He disappeared, and I can't think too hard about ti or I don't feel well.
"Could you describe what they look like?"
"Mom has red hair, and she's very pretty, Dad has black hair, and he's very pretty, and there's Shirou, he's ugly." Shirou would always laugh when I made that joke, but they seemed to take it seriously.
"...Thank you so much, Katarina. This is important information. I think names will be enough..." He wasn't smiling anymore.
I was happy to be useful, but I was ready to go home now. But for some reason this strangers kept me here and kept pestering me with questions.
"Now, do you... recall what happened?"
What happened? I just went to bed and woke up here, or are they asking about that. "I don't know. Can I go home now?" I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't care.
"...Listen Katarina-chan; There was a big fire, your house is….gone. You were brought here by the firemen, do you understand? It is important that you can understand."
I don't really know what they were talking about. They weren't mommy or daddy. "I want to go home now."
"Katarina-chan, do you remember there being a fire?"
No, I don't, and maybe I'd rather not. Why are you bringing this up? Why do they hate me? "I want to go home NOW!" I am angry about something; what was it that was so red? My heart was pulsing fast and tears fall from my face. I hate crying. I do it all the time, but I wish I could be strong like dad; he never cries. I was a crybaby, but I had no way of stopping it! Where's Shirou!?
The nurse held my hand very tight. "Katarina-chan, please listen, I know it's hard, but the faster you understand, the easier you will be able to accept this."
'There is nothing to accept!' "Mommy! Mommy! Where are you...!?" Help me get away from these strangers. My face is wet, and I'm shaking. I place my hands on my face and lay back down. Where is everyone? Didn't we just have dinner?
"Nurse Koyama, I think it would be best to give her some time." I lost the warmth in my hand and was left alone. I cried until slipping into sleep. The same conversation repeated itself the next day as well, with the same result.
The other kids in the other beds never did wake up. Some were taken away. The room name was the intensive burn section, but I didn't have any burns. The other kids were barely there anymore, their weak bodies would barely wish for anything. I could not save them even if I knew how to anymore.
I was the only one there, it was like they didn't even notice me for a while.
Until... "Katarina, I believe we have found your mother." You've never seen someone go from depressed to near mania so fast. I jumped right out of bed.
"Where is she? She's with Shirou and Dad? Of course, she is. Let's go now!" I'm shy, but sometimes I have the ability to get my way.
Pulling the sleeve of the doctor, I guide him into the hall. He stops me there, though. "Katarina-chan... do you know what a coma is?" he looked at my happy expression with a grimace.
"Nope!" I gave him my full toothy smile.
He makes a deep sigh. His face was so grim, why not be happy instead? "Your mother is... sleeping, and it is tough for her to wake up. So hard that she may not be able to." His words slice my optimism.
"What are you saying...?" This is not what I want. "...I don't believe you!" It's not true If I deny it. Haha, why haven't I realized this is just a hollow and imaginary world? I can just make my own world where everyone will get what want.
He takes my hand and answers, "It may be better to see for yourself..."
"Yes! let me see! I'll show you!"
The walk isn't far, but there are many people here, even army men. Some people with skin that looks warped, I look away from those people. The room is like mine, but with older people and... 'There!' A woman lying in a big bed with lots of things connecting to her.
The same red hair that reflected in mine, a face that is perfectly understood. It really was her; I ran right into her bed and buried myself in the sheets. 'Wake up, mommy!' Let's get out of here and go home!
The first fifteen minutes I spent trying to wake her up. She was still sleeping.
'Wake up, mommy! What did you do to her!?' The second fifteen minutes I spent pulling a full tantrum on the doctor. He was to blame, after all. 'Wake up, mommy! What did you do to her!? Waaah!' After that, I spent an equal amount of time crying and sleeping next to her. The doctor tried to move me, but I refused. After much complaining, crying, and outright fighting, he allowed me to stay.
"You're too healthy to have your own bed anyway..." He grunted under his breath. I stayed in that room after that, watching over mom. I was sure she would wake up at some point. Then we would find Dad and Shirou and go home, or... If they're telling the truth about that fire, then we could find a new home. It's not true though... it's just not!
I looked over them, but no one looked over me. The doctors and nurses came back each day looking more haggard, there were so many patients, and I was considered too healthy to be treated in this situation. I was lonely, but one day there was a new presence. Another kid like me came into the room. She had a sleeping mom like me. She wore a red dress that reached down to her knees and had nice raven-haired twin tails. Out of place compared to my oversized hospital gown and dirty red hair.
I walk next to her and summon some courage to greet her. "Hello, is your mom asleep too?" I introduce myself like I was taught to by Mom. She looks at me as if I had said something wrong, and I couldn't help but look at the floor. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little lonely. No one likes to talk to me but my brother."
"I see, my mother is... asleep. Is there something you wish to know?" She says so with a face that has cried so much it can't anymore.
"No. My mom is sleeping too. I... just want to talk..."
"I could see that; what is your name?."
"My name is Katarina Saijo, it's German so the family name goes last."
"I see, I am Tohsaka Rin." She looks away. "My family is part German too." She doesn't seem happy talking about this subject.
Think of something else to say, think, think. Ok, got it. This was Shirou's chief pick-up line on the playground: "...What kind of toys do you like?" The tension in her face seems to drop a little.
I am naturally shy, but by emulating Shirou, I could try and make friends. By pretending to be like everyone else I could almost act as if I were normal. After that we talked for three hours straight, at first she was a bit sad, and I was probably annoying her. But over time, my constant questioning was met with longer and longer answers.
Of course, we spoke mostly of nonsense, just acting our age for a while. I could tell that we were the same though, we were both lost children. I'm the young one, the one in need. Mom told me once that I was precious to the family, someone who was a blessing to others, she said. The mother who had said that wore a different face, and was gone.
The one who slept was now covered in bandages. Tohsaka's mother was like mine, yet she looked on with eyes of fire.
Tohsaka was strong. Maybe that was why it was easy to talk with her. She was the older and clean beauty, and I was the young, dirty burn victim. As the youngest sibling, I was comfortable under others. Of course, she left for the day, but she promised to come back tomorrow. She seemed a little happier than when she first appeared.
It was lonely when Tohsaka wasn't there.
I was just so bored, I thought that maybe I should go look for Shirou or dad, but when I thought about mom waking up while I would be gone, I'd hesitate and be too afraid to leave. So I became a de facto nurse for the room. I helped in any way I could; the wounds didn't trouble me so much anymore. Mom was covered in them, so they must be fine. But blood…..made bad memories come to the forefront. A crimson liquid that would fall on the floor when someone died from a sudden convulsive attack.
The first time a patient died, I don't know how I felt; he didn't look too different from when he was sleeping. Fear began to break my carefully constructed plan to fix this.
Was that what would happen to mom? Would she really just leave like that? Each subsequent time, I reacted less, to the point where I began to find positives to latch into.
"More treatment for mom. Maybe they needed to go first before mom could wake up." I asked the nurse, "how many dead bodies did you see by the time you were six?" She looked sad and walked away.
That carried on for another three days or so. Tohsaka would come in to see her mom, I would tell her since I looked after her more than anyone, and then we would talk about nothing. We could only talk about nothing because everything currently in our lives was no good. In my mind, the only change that I wanted was for mom to wake up, so when everything but that began to change, I wasn't ready.
Doctor Nakamura came in wanting to talk to me. "Katarina-chan, you are too young for this. I can't imagine what it is like for you right now." He lowered himself down to my level. "I hoped that your mother would wake up by now, but it would be wrong to hold this back any longer."
Huh? my mind was empty.
"Your father….we have confirmed his death. And you're brother, we looked for Saijo Shirou, but we couldn't find him. We have to call off the search now." He hugged me.
I did understand; I didn't even deny it anymore.
There was a fire. My home burned.
I could see it in the back of my mind, suppressed, but there. Mom held me, there was a glow on my body, and next to us was dad, but….but….he did not resemble dad anymore, I think that was when I blacked out.
Not because of the smoke, but because my mind couldn't handle seeing dad like that. I never knew what happened to Shirou, but if they can't find him, then that's probably it too. Because I knew that deep down this was a foregone conclusion and that only one person was to blame for it all.
Later, when I see Tohsaka-san, I can't help but break the unspoken rule.
"My dad is gone now; that's what they said to me." I didn't want to scare her away, but I couldn't stop.
"I see…" She's staring at her mom; I stare at the ground.
"I'm sor–" I start to apologize for bringing it up but am interrupted.
"My father is dead too... I will inherit everything. I am the last of my family." Her statement hangs in the air. The only noise was the clicking of the clock in the corner. "This was always a possibility. ...He walked with death after all." She whispered to herself. The girl's fist clenched, as she looked off into the world out the window.
"They told me they know dad's gone, but my brother is still missing. So... I might be the same." I'm alone.
A long pause. "You have been good to me, Saijo-chan. If I found this brother of yours, could that be just payment? If I can save this boy..." She mutters almost desperately.
"Could you really do that?" I looked at her in awe.
"Leave it to me, Saijo-chan. I hate to be in the debt of others; I'll show you what I'm capable of!" She thrust her finger out, angry but also happy. As if she could save her parents by saving Shirou. ...But even though I knew that I was so cruel to her, I smiled and hoped for the best.
Because I am weak...
"Thank you Tohsaka-san!" I jumped and hugged her.
"Ahhhhhhh, Saijo-chan, what are you doing?!" She protested loudly.
"I'm giving a hug, of course; that's the grown-up way to thank people, right?"
Once she breaks out of my hold, her cheeks are red. "That was inappropriate!" Her face formed into an angry scowl. So this is the real Tohsaka.
"You're funny, Tohsaka-san; it's natural for friends to hug." Her face gets even redder.
"Friends? I'll forgive you because you are younger, but we are not friends, hmph." In a movement, she crosses her arms and looks away from me, flipping her twin tails in the process.
"Does that mean you won't look for Shirou?" I put on my vulnerable little sister's face.
"No, no, of course, I will." She was desperate to rectify the look on my face, the ultimate ability of the youngest sibling.
"That's his name then, Saijo Shirou?" I nod.
"Thank you Tohsaka-san." I bowed.
"Yes, I won't come back until I find him, but…." She walks up to the door and looks back, then stops. "It may not be good news."
She walks off.
I know that but I believe in her. My mind screams at me, warning me: don't expect anything! But the more you tell a child not to think or do something, the more they'll want to do it. I fantasized about our reunion, I would take credit for hiring Tohsaka, and then we would all play together. Mom would wake up if it were us two.
Fantasy is comfortable, safe, but ultimately stifling. In fantasy you don't lose, so you are always setting yourself up for disappointment. Foregone conclusions are the ultimate enemy of fantasy. Eventually, certain facts will refuse to be bent to your delusions and they will strike out at you to bring you back to the cold reality.
Four days passed before Tohsaka returned.
Her voice is cold but artificial; she is trying to kill her empathy. "Listen, Saijo-chan….I looked, I really did, but I don't think he made it. I even asked my guardian, and he said that he probably didn't make it." Her voice is firm, almost the voice of a bully. I see. I don't feel well. Shirou was my best friend and my big brother. I don't really get it. Where is everyone going away to?
He was stronger than me; how come I'm here, and he's not? Even when or….if mom wakes up, there will be nothing for us to return to. I can't help but laugh.
"Hahahahahahahaha" That makes me the oldest now! I am nothing now! I don't exist if he doesn't, so I am as dead as him! I'm dead. 'It's funny, isn't it?.' "Hahahahahahahahahaha." tears fall from my eyes, but I am not sad. I'm just laughing too hard. She must be uncomfortable watching me. Does she think I'm weird to laugh? Or does she think I'm a useless crybaby?
Why are you crying? This is what had to happen, mom wouldn't be able to wake up if they didn't all die. I hope that that is how it is. A wish happens by stealing from others and redistributing to a new creation. So burn it all. If Shirou is gone then I don't want anyone else to survive it.
I curse you...! I curse you, whoever is the last survivor of that flame...! I curse you and I hope you know you don't deserve it...!
I must have had a face of madness because Tohsaka looks away.
"This is my last visit, Saijo-san. My guardian says he will personally heal mom from now on." she turns away from me, refusing to meet my eyes; she must hate me. Eventually, I walked away without a word. I caught a single glance of Tohsaka looking back at me, her eyes had water in them, but no tears fell. She was like me...
(Music stop)
True to her word, after she left, the nurses took her mom away. I never did learn her name. I don't think about it. The world has been too confusing to follow for some time now. So I bawl my eyes out with an empty mind.
I hope that mom wakes up soon….
Deep Slumber(music) /bqWDDNFVn48
Three days later, I awoke to my hair being stroked. I opened my eyes, and there was mom, looking down at me. Mom was awake, truly awake.
'Thank you, Dad, Shirou, you brought her back.' It confirmed their deaths in my mind.
"Katarina…. I'm sorry, it was all my fault." She was apologizing to me, that's wrong. I was not good. She spoke lots after that, her entire life story basically. I didn't understand most of it, but she seemed to be talking to herself anyway. Mom was a magician; it wasn't that surprising to me; she was pretty amazing after all. She blamed herself for everything that happened. I didn't know any way of making her feel better, So I just listened.
When the doctor came in, he was amazed to see mom. They wanted to do a bunch of tests on her. But Mom told them, "treat me as if I were not here," and they really did. She asked for a letter and a pen; I went and got it obediently. As she wrote her letter, she spoke to me, not wasting a moment. I tried to read it, but it was not in Japanese. "It's because I was weak that this happened. I want you to be strong, ok?"
"Yes, Mom."
"I want you to become a magus; this letter will put you on that path." The words meant nothing, but I knew I had to follow them.
"Okay."
"You will be fine alone, right? Do it for your brothers, don't let what happened to them happen again to anyone else."
"Okay..." I go along with what I am told; if mom is telling me how it is, then it must be true.
Once she finished the letter, she placed it in the envelope and gave it to a nurse, who wordlessly took it away. "That letter is your future. Wait here for two weeks, and someone will come to pick you up. Don't give up..." She rested her eyes for a little while. Did she really need more rest? A little more contentment was present on her face. Then she asks the one question that I couldn't and wouldn't answer. "...You know, do you remember what really happened with Luka? Y-you might know... right...?" She hesitates. For the first time since she awoke, she is speaking with me rather than at me.
But even now, I dare not tell the truth. "I don't remember..." I stared into her eyes: they are empty, like a dead fish. To answer that question would serve no purpose. Even to a child, there are some secrets dearer than life. The fantasy I gave her that day is comfortable for both of us. I could not... take responsibility for something that was my fault. I was a horrible parasite, but all I ever wanted was for people to be happy...
Again, there is that silence. She stares at my face, taking in every detail. "Katarina, can you forgive me?" I can feel the tension in her muscles as if the question is hurting her. "Please... Katarina... for-give...me..." No tears fall, for there is no water left in her body. She is a ghoul, I realize.
"Of course I forgive you, mommy, I love you. Thank you..." It was all my fault. I repaid her love and kindness with death and destruction.
"Heh, thanks...I'm... gl...d..." She falls fast asleep with a light smile. She goes slack.
I drift with her. I follow her up to a point I could go on, but it wouldn't be right. It's not fair. I wanna go too. "I will listen! I will be strong now! Don't go now...! Not yet, not until I can come with you...!"
You take away a child's family and home. There is nothing left for them. But I have been left with something: a goal. If I am strong, I can do anything; I must not be weak. If I could work hard enough, then one day, I could bring them all back to show off my success. And then maybe, I would be permitted to join them too.
When I woke up the next day, the warmth that sleeping with mom provided was gone. She was back to sleeping, but this was the type you would never wake up from: death. I sat in the chair next to her bed.
True to her order, no one checked up on her; her body just stayed there. They would serve me, and give me food and water but didn't bat an eye at her. There was no thought; I didn't even cry, already exhausted from remembering dad and Shirou; there was nothing left to give. I felt like I was not me, more like someone else who watched an abandoned child.
So I watched. I would wait for two weeks as she told me to. I watched for a full week, unmoving from the chair, just staring. It was interesting what happens to you when you die, like a flower blooming in reverse. Decay into nothingness, as the world eats you to redistribute your value to other new things.
It interested me, at least. After all, everyone I once loved was dead.
If you stare at one place for a long time, all the unnecessary information will start to disappear. I stared so long that I began to see things. A black miasma hangs around her body; Everything it touched died too, and I didn't dare come close. Wisps of light flew throughout the air, swirling around her. It would come and go through. My mind couldn't comprehend it all the time. I knew I had opened a part of my mind, one that could never be truly closed again.
My eyes had come to know the dead, and never again would my eyes lose that sight. Eyes that were no longer barred from traversing into that land where the shadows lie.
It was the twelfth day when the one I was waiting for came. When she saw what was left of mom, she nearly puked. She was a strong sort though, after cutting a piece of mom's skin off and placing it in a jar, she disintegrated the rest of the body. I was relieved that someone had finally given her peace. The mystery woman was obviously western, taller than the average Japanese woman. She wore a fancy blue dress and had flowing elbow-length blond hair. "Get up." I stood from the chair.
"..." She really was tall. Everything else was grey, but she was blue like an island in the middle of the darkness.
She looked right at me without fear and gazed at me as a hunter would its prey. "You are Katarina Saijo, correct?"
"...?" I hadn't spoken in a week. I didn't recall too well how. She looked at me and came to her own conclusion.
"...My name is Henrietta Edelfelt; I am to be your new guardian."
And so ended my life in Japan.
Author's notes:
This turned out longer than I originally thought it would be. I was originally going to split this into three perspectives: Tohsaka, Sakura, and Katarina, but it didn't work out that way.
I was able to incorporate Tohsaka into Katarina's perspective, and adding Sakura would be too much of a topic shift. So this is a very OC-centric chapter and pretty much wraps up the prologue of the story, which is all about the direct aftermath of the 4th war.
It's hard writing six/seven-year-olds. I delete half the stuff I write cause I think it's too smart for a six-year-old.
Consider that they are both abnormal kids, and the sorta 3rd person descriptions pretty much happened in the VN too.
Next is act one.
Sakura will get some attention at some point; sometimes, too much detail can be bad after all.
I actually know all the servants that will be in the war; of course, I might change one or two, but I fairly sure of them.
Leave a review if you feel like it. I read them all.