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I don't own anything related to Fate/stay night; this is a work of parody.
Act One: Tohsaka
Track one (Music) /ZhcLmWHlD_g
Tick tick, tick tick...
The constant clock greets me in the house. It is all that tends to stir me; I hate alarm clocks. And as it is summer break, and I am the only one here, I can sleep in all I want. But... once I start thinking about a certain recent event... even my beloved sleep-in-time is defiled.
Much happened recently... but it's not that memory that I wake up with. It's one from a long time ago. A few years to a child is forever ago. What were the words that man said when he started to teach me?
It was... "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters and yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple." A quote from the gospel, and he just twists it to his own means.
I didn't know what he meant, so it troubled me for a long time after that. 'Well, I hate you!' I responded at the time. And so... He laughed at me, seemingly pleased by my response. Smiling at me as though I did exactly as he wanted. By hating him, I let him win. Not that I could change that.
These memories are a nice way to make my morning worse. I mean, honestly, what was he talking about? Quoting the gospel like that. Does he see himself as God? Is he that delusional? I used to think that I could somehow get him excommunicated or something, but... I know better. The Church doesn't care about what happens here.
The real question is: Who would ever listen to a man like him? And very few do. Kirei is reliable in one way: his ability to make people want to leave his presence. I wouldn't know about the attendance of his sermons, as I keep as far as I can from that as possible, but I imagine it's low.
I am one of the few that know the truth of it, as the second owner of this land and ward under him. He isn't a normal priest, and he has no real expectation to proselytize. He is the overseer of the Holy grail ritual and a skilled executor.
The fakest priest there is. And he happens to be my guardian and teacher, so I must tolerate it ...It's just that... now I think I know what he was saying back then. I'd rather not be able to understand him, to be honest, but I do.
All this, it's old thoughts... old ones that stick around in this cold house. Wounds never resolve here. Once something enters in this place... it can no longer be pretended that it means nothing. And so... I let the boy in here, all the way into my room in a moment of weakness. I've been avoiding him ever since. But who wouldn't?
The boy carried me all the way up the hill and even to my room. 'My room!' A girl's room and he was there! Creep!
I let him into my home. I recall unlocking the door and even making sure that the house wouldn't reject him. If I had been in a normal situation, that wouldn't have ever happened. And he ended up sticking in the house for hours while I slept. Did he watch me? I don't know what to feel about that... He even cleaned the house really well. In a way, that made it look like that old maid was just lazy. Which she was, and that was her charm. I guess it doesn't matter now. She's been let go. I'll manage the place alone from now on...
He even tried to leave after saying we weren't friends and denied my gracious agreement to make us friends. But in the end, I was the weak one. However, it wasn't entirely without reason. That tea... was not normal. Its taste was average, but... it made me feel excellent. I just... did not want to lose... that. Yes... it's totally not him! It's just that tea!
...Even that excuse is pushing it for me... I was just in pain from what that damn priest did. Kirei made me insert a lost fragment of the Tohsaka Magic Crest. It's been years. Apparently, he had 'found a missing encoding.' He probably just kept that all this time so he could watch me suffer. It may not have been as crazy as it would have had I been older, but it was still very annoying.
It wasn't the surgery of the crest itself that hurt me into sickness. It was the drugs he gave me to help my body accept it. They probably were just so I would feel bad!
No, that's definitely what it was. He's a sick man, a complete fraud of a priest... Damn him; he knew I couldn't just say no to taking it too. It was just some encoding of details relating to the flow of energy through different cuts of gems, but it's my right to have that information. Dad wouldn't forgive me if I willingly did not gain the knowledge I could have if only I just suffered a little to get it. And that operation left me exhausted. So it was natural that I would collapse like that.
Considering I'm his only friend, I feel a bit of a duty to make sure he doesn't get lost. He does remind me of a lost puppy sometimes. So I need to give him my opinion on things, and he is a good listener at least.
Naturally, I run out of energy, having to keep myself together in front of Emiya-kun ...But is it really natural that he would carry me all the way home, clean my house and stay over for as long as he could to make sure I was ok? Then he asks nothing in return and even tries to leave like it is none of his business!?
So that all leads up to today... why am I acting like this? I'm sitting on the bus, waiting for him to arrive. I came all this way, when I didn't even need to see Kirei today, and yet I'm here. If he isn't there to welcome me, then he better be ready to face the consequences!
Peaceful Scenery (Music) /L10BJjMjKNU
I reread the bus clock. The bus is leaving soon... 5:26. Four minutes left.
Late. He better be here! I'm usually the one to arrive after him, as it should be. And now he has the gall to make me wait!?
The first real interaction since... then. Ugh! It makes me mad just thinking about it! Why else would my cheeks be this red? I came here to confront this weakness and possibly stamp it out for good. I can't do that if you're not here. Where are you, Emiya?
As if in answer, a sound rouses me from thought. The sound of someone cautiously climbing up the steps of the bus stairs. Two pairs of light steps, it wasn't the usual climb of Shirou, so I didn't think it was him. But the person that appeared was surprising... even if it was the one I was waiting for. Did he have to walk so weirdly, though? It was like he was an assisted person with a helper at his back. "Haah," I breathed a sigh of relief as I noticed I was keeping my breath in all that time.
I mean, honestly, what a weirdo...
"Emiya-kun...?" Finally, he's here. I have so much I want to complain about today.
"...?" That's when I notice it. So many things at once come into my awareness that I'm not sure how to handle them all at once. Facts pour into me. A girl is behind Shirou, holding his shoulder as if she were his sister or girlfriend. Shirou's eyes look reddened and almost dull as if he was blind.
The last fact, though... is one I try and fail at ignoring. Red.
(Music stop.)
A red ribbon. A red ribbon. A red ribbon with strands of violet hair escape off the side of the wall that is Shirou, a face that appeared for but a moment before hiding back behind him. "...I…" My stomach dropped long before my mind realized it. The two people I never connected with eachother came to me like this.
I don't... even...
"Tohsaka... do you mind if we could sit with you today?" Shirou asked. He said so with casual confidence like he wasn't friends with me.
Typical of him, sure that I'd say yes. I should say no. 'No.' Just say it. What do I hate? I mean, He can't mean that... all three of us...? She and me... and him in the middle. Of all the days for the bus to be full...
Her hair was wrong... And yet... a red ribbon is there, damning me no matter what choice I make. So... "...Alright..." I can't say no. I just can't...
Sorry, Father. Just for one moment... let me have something to remember her by.
I was told to watch out for Senpai, to spy on my only 'friend.' All Ojii-sama said was to watch him, and that's all I've been doing… He never mentioned it again. So I walk alone, following Senpai after school on the days I can manage it. It's just another way of making me suffer. Once I became used to living underground, he now makes me stay in the light of the sun.
I can only go on by focusing on Senpai and losing myself in his life. I hate exercise.
Trespassing 2 (music) /nXnRjzVzB4c
Senpai never looks back. He walks straight and with purpose. Always leaving me behind him, trying to keep up but never able to. He wouldn't even know if I was right behind him. But... I know where he goes, so It doesn't matter. I make it somehow.
When I saw him do his magic the first time... I was... confused. He looked to be in such pain and concentration. He was... confusing... it was like he sought out pain and never wanted to stop. Did... he feel what I felt, and... he still goes on and on...? It must be worse for me... He would have given in...
The spell... was something I could only see as something that causes pain to yourself. It wasn't that different from the Matou magic, but for yourself rather than others. A horrible curse, worse than anything I've ever seen in the pit, and... that's a lot...
Black lines kept appearing across his skin, then disappearing after, he would scream out a little. And yet, he always looked dissatisfied, as if he hadn't done it enough times.
And the woman just watched him with a conflicted face. She never stopped looking at him. The magic was evil. The park was evil. But unlike the pit that was my room, it was an open evil...
Almost... welcoming... accepting... 'No!' There is no such place. I am a bug, spying on the going-ons of real people. People with real lives.
Senpai shines in the sun, and I decay underground. But... sometimes I do lose myself in the park, and feel like... it accepts me... Senpai wouldn't always be with the woman. In fact, it was rare that she was there. He would... sort of just stare off when he was alone... or fall asleep, as if he didn't care he was outside.
The woman... his 'mom'...was different. She was not normal. Looking at her made me start to shake and feel horrible things. She wore a dress of black and red. Black that seemed to swallow light and a red that seemed to be coloured with blood. I... kind of thought she was pretty. And Senpai... would do magic with her... or something like that. And Senpai would sometimes look a little happy. I think that's when he did something good. Mostly, he was just focused.
He didn't even seem to notice... or care... that the woman looked at him with vile eyes. He pushed himself to the point that he could barely go on... Then, he would go home like it was nothing, he always took the bus at 5:30, and I took the next one at 6:00.
...He was stupid... just give up already. You can't succeed with your dream. It's just not possible. I wanted him to fall on his face, to fail utterly and give in. He told me about his dream once... stupid. Stop trying already. You can't win. ...Give up, so I can see too... And yet, not once have I seen him back down from something. Every time I thought that it must be enough... he would keep going a little more. In his place, I had given up on his behalf already from the start. I just didn't understand why? Why do anything if you know you're never going to win?
What was it that made him different from me? I became... interested and started following him more and more as much as this body allowed me. In the end, I stayed for too long and saw something I shouldn't have.
One day, it changed. I was the only one to watch a bizarre scene. Senpai started looking at his mom really intensely... and it all started looking weird. It was all wrong. His mother started looking wrong, too, as if she were melting under his gaze...
Senpai... is the same as me. I thought. But that's wrong. Senpai was suffering through something without backing down. He is facing it head-on with all that he can. While me... I just shut down and try not to exist. It's like he would just go until he disintegrated if he felt he could push that far. Stupid. Please! Give up already!
...There are things you can't beat, so just give up. But he didn't, or maybe... couldn't, and passed the point where it seemed like everything started to invert. Just as it seemed like it would enter into a point of no return, Senpai fell back onto the bench. He fell asleep... His mom tapped him on the cheek, and he fell right asleep... or maybe he did die.
Then I realized it... Senpai had fallen asleep... But his mother was still there. And she was looking right at me. I froze. My breathing caught in my throat. "Ahh!" I was scared, my legs tried to move, but they didn't respond. The things inside me writhe as if in pain... Everything I was: wanted to run, yet... didn't.
I was held in place and made to watch. The woman started to peel away and disintegrated into dust. Her form started to break slowly into black grains of sand. The entirety of her form became a cloud of black dust swirling in the wind. Some of it dispersed into the winds of the open park... most of it enveloped Senpai... and then... melted into his skin. And then... and then... the small remainder of it came at me, sinking into me too. It encountered no resistance as if it had already always been there. Lightheaded.
I'm dreaming... I must be in the pit, and I've let go. I couldn't understand it, so I just thought I was crazy.
"Hihihihihihihihi...!" But... A burst of shrill laughter mocked me as if to say that it wasn't just some delusion. The laughter softened me down and brought me into a realm of nothing. Almost safe... a place you could lose yourself forever in. Like an empty box. A black world outside the normal one. As confined as my room is, but not as suffocating. Safe.
False Transmigration (Music) /NB5ujCRg4OY
"And who might you be...?" The voice came from all directions. It was a voice of a woman. It sounded soft and almost like she knew the answer already.
"..." I was silent... no-I was silenced. Disallowed the ability to speak. That's fine. I'm used to that. The only person that ever wants me to talk to is Senpai. I was laid out as if on the ground, but there was no floor there, just a mist in all directions. It wasn't long until she appeared: the mother. I could not see her, but I could feel her, and that gave her form.
She knelt to me, looking over me. "I see... how are you...?" She held her hand out to my forehead. It was... like a mother's care. Her face was... almost worried. My voice may be silenced, but emotions yet lived on... pain yet lived on. I fought against the desire. The woman here seemed almost entirely different from the one with Senpai. The one before was clearly evil. This one exuded goodness that shined even in this realm of nothing. Strange. She looked down at me and tried to smile, but it was a bit of a look of pity. "I see... you are sick... with a horrible affliction. I so wish I could save you... it's hard though... unless..." Then she completely changed topics. "Hmm, do you have any wish? I could grant that."
"..." No, and It's better that way. I wouldn't believe you anyway.
She pouted a little as she was ignored. I wasn't ignoring her... I was just lost and cursed to silence. "I'll take that silence as a yes, you know... It's alright... I have a wish of my own, you know? But it took me a very long time to realize the importance that you make your own wish come true, not until it was far too late."
"..."
Sighing, she continued."I am trying to say that you shouldn't just think that you have no way of winning before putting yourself on the line. Hihi, that's something my husband taught me once..." She laughed... but she sounded a little lonely.
"..."
"There is one thing I can do, but as long as you don't believe or wish, it can't come true. Aren't you tired of horror? Don't you want to live in peace?" She smiled, and finally... I felt like the ability to breathe and speak was allowed to me.
"I..." I couldn't say it... But maybe... I do want that... I was too weak to let that live.
"I see... then reach out, and you will find something." I...I might...
Slowly, slowly... my hand reached out... I was entirely ready to be betrayed at last. Stabbed or poisoned, or raped. I was ready for that and expected it. So if it came, it wouldn't be that bad... it would be normal.
But... She did what I was most afraid of... She took my hand and promised. "Your wish will be made true if only you make it. But you must live to see it. You must suffer. You must hope." She gave me... it.
That was... the most horrible thing to ask. How could she understand? To live is... to feel all the pain without resistance, to hope... is to think that I could escape Ojii-sama. To think of yourself as something more than an insect. It's... impossible.
She looked scoldingly at me, like a mother admonishing her child. "Don't think I don't understand. I see you for what you are, and yet I am here regardless." She spoke past my thoughts. Holding my hands in her own, she would force me to live. "I shall grant your wish then, and after that, it up to you to finish the remainder of your dreams."
'I... have no wish.'
"Then find one..." She responded. The world started to break apart. The black was disintegrating to white and flowing away. "It seems our little chat is at an end... Oh, and look after Shirou, will you? He needs someone on his side as much as you do."
The last thing I saw was the woman's face. Different from how it was before: she had a natural warmth that wasn't present. A look that I once yearned to see a long time ago.
(Music Stop.)
I wake up, I think... but it feels like I haven't been sleeping at all.
'Agghh...' My school clothes were dirty. The ground was dry, but the leaves had gotten into my clothes. "Ah..." I had fallen asleep right into the pile of leaves. I stand up and make a crisp sound.
Crunch
I try to leave, but his voice catches me. "Who's there!?" I was called out. It's like a shock through me, making me fall right over. All my functions seemed to cease at just the gust of wind carried by his words."Ahh...!"
A noise that would normally be as quiet as a mouse's squeak resounds in my ear. It's the sound of a leaf being stepped on... or perhaps a twig cracking.
"Who's there!?"
The sound of a surprised gasp...
Whoosh
"Did you fall? Are you alright!" Senpai seems to try and get up. Then I hear something weird.
Whoosh
"Ugh...!" He fell over.
"Are you okay over there?" He yells out at me. Even though he is hurt, he only thinks of me. "I'll come help you!"
"Senpai..." I call out softly... I almost want to say, 'just give up already!' but that would be wrong. "...I am fine."
"Ugh..." He tries again.
"Sakura! Is that you? I'm sorry... I'm so useless... I can't see anything."
"..." Has he given in? ...No, not yet.
"Sakura... can you help me up?" I feel horrible asking for help, but it's the only solution that comes to mind.
"...I... don't know." I need to leave. I should leave him to his end.
"Sorry... No, it's fine. I'll find my own way home. You can... go back to whatever you were doing...?" But...
"..." I walk up to him. Flailing on the ground with no pride, he tries and tries to get up. He never gives up even as he fails. ... I take his shoulder.
"...Sakura?"
"I will help." A matter-of-fact statement, it leaves no room for debate.
"...Alright... Thank you, Sakura. You're a good friend."
"Sorry..." You... don't know... I'm a spy... and yet I felt something tingle when he said that. I'm horrible.
"Huh? Don't apologize, Sakura... this is... my fault." He looks down. I notice his eyes, and he almost trips. I keep him straight.
"Are you... okay, Senpai?" I ask... about a lot of things... I shouldn't...
And yet, he answers. "...I can't see anything... it's like there is a faint red far away, though. I think it's my vision coming back to normal." ...That's... not even hiding his magic.
I think he knows what I am, just as I can tell what he probably is. It's not something either of us would admit.
"..." He... I don't know how to look at him anymore... I've become too close now.
"You only have to take me to the bus... I'm really sorry to bother you like this." No.
"I'm sorry about all this..." He apologizes. Why? Why do you think you are the problem. You're not...
My hand tightened on his shoulder. I couldn't let him go."It's alright... Senpai. I can take the bus with you."
"No... that's alright, Sakura... you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You probably had something to do in Shinto, right?" I came to spy on you.
"It's alright... Senpai. I can take the bus with you." I said again.
"...Okay." He gave in. You can't escape so easily... give up, please.
I could put an end to him now... but I am weak. I couldn't do something like that. I can't kill myself, so how could I possibly kill him? He is strong, and I am weak. I can't say no to anything that he says. I just followed his lead mindlessly after that, follow... Senpai, look after him. Why did I feel the need to do that?
I don't really know what he said or what I said. My head was somewhere else. All I knew was that I couldn't let him go. I held him by his shoulder. He needed me... Something stirred in me when I knew that. I felt that if I let go now, Senpai would get lost forever. I can't... let him go... not until he gives up.
It goes on for some time until we are all the way to the bus home. I have a weird feeling going up the stairs; I instinctively hide in Senpai's shadow. Then a strange and familiar voice shattered my focus. "...Emiya-kun...?"
Stranger (Music) /MhAcoQuGfHg
Something red sat in that seat. Strange feelings started to come to me. I held my head down, hiding from the world.
Another girl, Senpai? A weird feeling starts growing when I think about that.
And who is this... familiar... voice...? Hey Sakura, follow me! I know the best way to play! A familiar... voice... from a long time ago...
...So I hide behind Senpai's back... Yes, I would rather not come out from here.
I was scared, and I found refuge behind him. I wasn't that much smaller than him, but he held himself up straight while I hid in his shadow.
He said nothing about it. "— do you mind if we could sit with you today?" What was that? A name?
My throat constricted, and I was using his back to keep myself up. My knees had the sudden desire to give out. 'What... did he say? —?' It was the sound of intense static. My head did want to hear it.
"...Alright..." Her voice is sweet and smart and nice... all the things I'm not.
"Okay, Sakura, you don't mind, right...?" Three kids in a bus seat area meant for two adults. It wasn't that which made me silent.
He doesn't move. Does my opinion really matter? "..." Then I realize it... Senpai really still can't see too well... he needs my help to sit.
"Okay, Senpai." And so I sit down, with Senpai between me and... her.
...
By the time the bus started, no one had said anything. Senpai had his head down, hiding his eyes away. They were still not right. But... I looked out from his side for just a moment. I peeked at her... I couldn't help myself... I wanted to see it.
She was pretty.
She was pretty...
She was pretty... in red.
Like Senpai, she was someone that shined in the sun. Someone who was beyond me. I had... heard of a girl in the grade ahead of us, a better girl. Then... this was her. Mixed feelings swirled around in me.
This is her, of all the people. She is... "Tohsaka...senpai," I whisper it out. That's... who she is to me... just my senpai. And to my shock, Senpai hears me, "Oh, do you know my friend, Tohsaka, Sakura?"
'Eeeh!' It shocks me into holding something closer. He said... Tohsaka, Sakura... that's not me. My heart sinks lower. Friend...? Are you friends with her too, Senpai...? he must be lying. Did he seriously make friends with me and... her, all randomly? Senpai is a magus, so he... must be as evil. He must be. All people are bad, so he can't just be an exception... right?
"...Emiya-kun..." She spoke up finally, but it was just repeating his name. It was... a conflicted sigh. She probably suspected him as much as I... She must know what he is too... he is... something strange. She must know, she is smart, and I am dumb. "...What is your connection to Matou-san?" She said out slowly.
"Oh, you're both my best friends, I guess." He said without embarrassment. Like he didn't even know what that really meant.
I thought I was your best friend! I thought that emotion took hold of me for a second. Oh, what am I doing? I was... holding him. Yes, I hadn't let go of Senpai, even as we sat down. And after everything he said, I was moving closer. Hiding behind someone like this... is just a hug... I don't deserve this... I remove myself rapidly from him. He moves around a little but says nothing. It's as if he didn't even notice.
Of course, I'm not his best friend, though. Stupid, Sakura.
I didn't see her, but I felt a flame coming from where she was. She... was angry. "You know you can only have one best friend...! Grrr, whatever, never mind...!" She growled at herself. Tohsaka...senpai always did get frustrated easily. "This is ridiculous."
Senpai answered her naturally. "Really? I never realized that." He acted like he was stupider than he really was; he was smart when he talked to me.
When he talked to Tohsaka, it was like he was dumb on purpose. Was he... different when he was with her...? He should be with the one so he can be himself more. That... would be... me...? Right...?
What am I even thinking? Senpai... is someone I spy on. We aren't friends. It's a lie. He's just two-faced... like me. That pulsing feeling continued. A sharp... longing in my stomach. With me... it doesn't matter because he'll turn on me when he knows the truth. He will, too... it will come...
"Sorry..." Tohsaka-senpai finally said.
Senpai responded, "...You're right, though. You can't have two best friends... so that would make Sakura my best friend then."
"Huh...?" My voice came out with Nee-s... Tohsaka-senpai's. We were in sync.
He responded with a confused, "...What?" He was oblivious to what he said wrong. And I couldn't even see that. ...I... am your best friend...? Why... would he say that...?
Tohsaka sounded angry. I couldn't bear to look at her, so I just heard her voice. "What...!? Fine! You can have multiple best friends, alright!?" She sounded frustrated again. She was... just as she was...
Beautiful and unchanged. Both of them, they were... so much closer than I am to him. After all... I barely talk at all... and Tohsaka-senpai shines at the same level that Senpai does. So... why did he choose me? I want to think he is just a liar... but Senpai never lies to me. He is just... foolishly honest.
As we crossed the red bridge, the red sun reflected off the two of them together. And me... it was like the sun didn't care about me. I was in Senpai's shadow and received no warmth. The two people who...I... It doesn't matter. It could never happen. I don't have a wish... It doesn't matter; people like me never win. But... It feels good... just to be noticed. "Then, you can be my best friend too, Tohsaka." A sting back into me. I should feel happy for her. ... But I don't. I wish he would just make her go away. I... don't want her to look at me as I am.
...Do you always have to take away the things I have, Nee-san? A part of me doesn't even care anymore... 'I wish Nee-san would just-!'
I'm interrupted from that by Senpai. Almost as if he noticed those dark thoughts in me. "Oh! I forgot, how did you two meet?" He must think he is trying to help us.
"I keep track of the underclassmen, Emiya-kun... that's all." The only hint of her lie was the flipping of her hair. She always flips her hair when she lies.
"I see, you do that... She lives near you, doesn't she? You should be friends!"
"..." "..." Silence. It's just... cruel. We can't meet. We are unrelated.
Sensing he had made yet another mistake, he backed down again. "Oh... I mean, you don't have to... I just thought it would be nice. Haha." He held his head up and laughed nervously. I caught a glimpse of his eyes. They looked... back to normal now.
"That's fine... Emiya-kun..."
Tohsaka asked him in return, and she had long since started sounding a little uncomfortable. "Well, how did you meet Matou-san then?"
"Oh, me? ...Well, I thought she smelled good." Senpai... smelled me... and thought that it was good...? Did he smell the nice breeze of the Sakura blossom and think it was me? Or... did he smell what I really am like... and still liked that?
"Emiya-kun..." She shook her head. "...Hahhhh..." She sighed deeply, unsure of how to respond to that. "I don't even..."
"Is that weird, Tohsaka?" He said, not even a hint of a joke. Senpai never made jokes.
"I... already know you are weird, Emiya-kun..."
"...Well, yeah... but you should come to see us at recess anyway." Senpai suddenly offered her.
"... I'm... studying during recess..." I could hear her squirm.
"Ah... that's too bad. I feel like you two could get along, is all." His words... said things that the two of us had no right even to think.
I suddenly remembered that I was even there, so I spoke up softly. "Senpai... it's alright, Tohsaka-senpai... is... is... busy." I didn't even have an excuse. How pathetic am I? I'm a useless addition to the conversation.
"Sakura... alright... if you say so." He didn't seem to understand why we were so cold about this. But he listened to me...
Why do I like that? I'm... feeling things. I'd like to smile at him, as I try to do at recess... but that fell apart already at the park. Why do I want to see him be happy? Why, why, why?
I don't know.
The rest of the ride to Miyama was uneventful until the end. There really wasn't much we could say. Talking was banned, and Senpai started to understand that too. He had been trying to put us together, really believing we could be friends. It wasn't possible, against the rules.
Senpai doesn't seem to understand that... about anything. He just keeps doing something forever, even if it doesn't have a reward. I was a fool to think Senpai could suddenly change all of a sudden. So... "Then how about Sakura and I study with you, then? It only has to be a little?"
"..." He never gave up. And he would keep going if he thought it was important.
Tohsaka had trouble with her words then. "I...I don't know, Shirou... I study way beyond you and... I mean... I just can't..." She stuttered her excuses out. Not much more and the bus will be there.
"Ah, that's too bad. I really wanted to be with you more at school. Aw, well..." He said the words honestly. Did he even know how much they were pulling at her?
"Fine then, if you do want to come and study with me, I'll allow it. If you want to bring Matou-san... then do what you want! It's obvious that you just exist to annoy me!" She yelled out at him. The lack of space didn't allow for her outburst, and she kept that in. I slinked back under Senpai's shadow. She was yelling at him, but it felt like it was at me. Do you hate me, Nee-san? Do you want him all to yourself...?
...I won't let you. Ojii-sama wouldn't want that... Yes, that's why... Senpai is mine. He's not supposed to know anyone but me.
Senpai seemed used to the yelling. Even the bus driver seemed used to it and could be heard giggling softy.
"Wow, Tohsaka... You're nice..." He said. That pushed her even more.
"That's it...! Grrrr!" It sounded like she was about to strangle him when finally, the bus ride ended.
I opened up the path for Senpai, and he got right out. Leaving me to look her right into her eyes.
Blue and forceful. The drive within them pushes my head down; I can't even look at her straight. They tell me that we are different, that she is strong, and that I am weak.
Senpai saves me from that. "We're here. Let's go then." We paid and got off. And so... we walk to the intersection. And break apart. "Oh, Tohsaka. Could you walk Sakura home?" He looked out down the road that seemed to stretch to his home to the west.
"...Fine." She shook her head. Her hands were in fists, but she held herself up. "See you later, Emiya-kun." Tohsaka whipped her hair around and looked away from him, crossing her arms and tapping her feet.
Senpai came close and looked seriously at me. His eyes were back to golden, with no trace of what was before. "Hey, Sakura... Thanks for looking out for me..." He turned around a started his way off. I slowly started to move too, when suddenly a voice came from behind me. It was his voice but... much colder... "Oh, and I don't really care about what you were doing before... I still think you're a good person."
...I looked back, and he was gone. Disappeared into the growing evening shadows. He felt different for just a second. "Are you coming, Matou-san?" Nee-san's voice from behind me now.
Tohsaka-senpai, I mean... "...Y-yes..."
We walked in silence. She said nothing and asked me nothing. She... doesn't care about me... She didn't even talk to me once, only Senpai… She just wants to be with him, I realize.
We walked up to my home, then she stopped. "I hope you do well in your studies, Matou-san." She didn't look at me. Her voice was cold, a stranger. Idiot, you have no sister, only a brother. I was stupid to think that for even a second.
"Yes... Tohsaka... Senpai." Now that Senpai was gone, my eyes fell to their normal state. She didn't even notice how pitifully she tried to seem happy with the boy. There was a small warmth... Senpai had said that they'd get along if they talked. And... she believed him. Maybe...
'...Maybe in a different life...' As soon as they are gone, she is back to being nothing.
Matou Sakura leaves and gives her husk of a body back to the worms. She walks the rest of the way home in a daze, goes to her fake room, and quietly awaits dinner. The school books she must read to keep up the illusion known as Matou Sakura fill up her 'bed' that she never sleeps in.
When dinner came around, Father was drunk and put poison in her food. Grandfather was angry at him. It wasn't that sort of day. Nii-san was as clueless as ever, he tried to say they should help, but Father took him by the neck and threw him into the stairs. Pitiable. Shinji always yelled and cried when Father hit him.
Matou Sakura never did that anymore.
She couldn't figure much of anything, considering she was writhing on the floor as her body tore itself apart from the inside. Barely alive, but that was normal. Ojii-sama ended up kicking Father out of the house for a little while. He didn't like it when that creature lost control like that. The pain was horrible. It goes on for a long time. But that's not me, so it doesn't matter. That's someone else.
'Life is suffering, but imagine what else you could have? You just have to want it.' A voice beckoned me in my head.
No, that's not me!
The darkness pierced even the pain that the worms inflicted on me. "...Ah…" All the sensations were forced on me. I couldn't even hide beneath the wall of nothing I had built. Hope had broken the barrier. And so... in the musky dark of the pit of worms, I allow a wish to exist in me. A wish to take all the black hatred in me and give a form I wish that the Matou family would die. I hope the Matou family dies. Only a black wish could live in her as she was. To wish for something more... was beyond her.
Spread out your suffering to the ones around you? If that's what you desire... She sounded a bit disappointed. And yet, she laughed regardless. "Hahahahhaaha...!" And so, Laughter echoed everywhere, the woman's laugh in my head and Ojii-sama's in the pit.
Door of Truth /kDU0Auyc-Zo
Two weeks passed, and I couldn't get over it. I'm close to knowing. Every meeting with Shirou... turned me around in ways I didn't like. It was all wrong and always escaped my control. So... I need to know. I... can't go on anymore not knowing: Who is Emiya Shirou? And what is his secret? A secret I felt was more and more important with each passing day.
I... can't let this go on... any longer. As the second owner of this land, it is my duty to figure out strange things. Even if I'm the age that I am, that's no excuse. And with the addition of... Sakura... It's just too suspicious! There was a burning in my chest, a weakness I must overcome.
Fact: Shirou is suspicious. Why does he go to the park like that? How did he learn a tea like that? Why did he make friends with both me... and Sakura-san? Is he really homeless? Is that really it? He doesn't seem like it, though. He wears different clothes and is connected with that difficult-to-deal-with Nee-san of his, Fujimura-senpai.
I'm still trying to figure out my revenge on her for forcing me to walk with Shirou to school, but that can wait. I have much more to do than that. Well... magi do... but I know that there are only three magi in Fuyuki. Me, Kirei... and the other one.
...Who was he with? And why? My blood ran cold. No... that's just stupid... There's not a chance that boy is a magus. Sure, I have a bizarre sense about him, but it's impossible. It just is.
Sure, there is a consistent feeling with him, but it's not magic. If someone were doing magic that much, then they would be hurting themselves. So Shirou can't be learning magic unless his teacher pushes him to the point that his circuits would start poisoning him. Therefore: impossible. Unlike me, most kids can't handle pain, so they wouldn't seek it out like that. Hahaha, right? It's just impossible... There is a good answer, surely...
The girl... he calls 'Fuji-nee.' She is the one who is well-known in the town. I even once heard from the maid about her. Something like she was Yakuza? Maybe there is no Emiya Shirou. Maybe he is really Fujimura Shirou, who is in hiding? That's... no good, though. Police don't care about Yakuza... unless Shirou's family is in concealment and the local Yakuza is protecting them. ...That... actually sounds like it might be right...
A wave of satisfaction came over me. The puzzle was complete! I was completely sure of the deduction. 'Shirou isn't a mage! Completely normal, haha!' No way at all! 'There's no way I'm wrong on this one!' It just fits. Everything makes sense.
So I scrounged through Dad's workshop and found a detailed blueprint of residences in the whole city. Apparently, Dad had been keeping his eyes on the Fujimura group for a long time and had a list of all of their real estate. And so I found a place marked as owned by the Fujimura group near where I've seen Shirou coming from in the mornings. I could have just followed him home... but that's stalking...
I can still show up unannounced, though. It is my right as his friend to show up at his door unannounced...! It's his fault if he can't handle that!
Once I tracked down where he lived. I went to talk to the boy about it. I wanted to be resolved of this mystery, resolved of him. I didn't want to think anymore, not about him or the one he was with.
Madder Red Town (Music) /pdPg8tYGEgM
On a mid-August morning, the day is sizzling, but a single-minded desire to know pushes me forward. Going impulsively; moving so I won't have to think anymore. I walk to where I believe he lives without delay. To the intersection and west, closer to the sea and straight from home. To the old district.
Eventually, I started to pass a wall. Inside lies the place where he lives. What are you hiding, Emiya Shirou? Some sort of prison, where you are hiding from the law?
Here it is... A gate, yet it was open and welcoming. The house that awaited within these short walls could be considered a Japanese mansion. The prison that I imagined in my mind cracked and what was left was a peaceful home. It's not really a place you would think people hide at...
This place... is not cold. This place is a welcoming hearth. If my house has a magic of isolation and rejects the outside world, then it's almost like this place has a magic that welcomes all with good intentions.
I walk up the short path and ready myself. Hair is okay, for the morning, that is... red colour-coding on point... 'I am the picture of excellence, worthy to carry this name!'
I hit the doorbell impulsively. I start to panic, though, and try to make a definite plan. Do I go on the offensive and force a confession? Or do I coax him into giving out the information willingly? Of course, I will conveniently offer my help no matter what, and he will be thanking me profusely by the end. This will be easy; Emiya Shirou is one that has never left the palm of my hand.
There was never even the possibility in my mind that anyone but the boy would answer the door. ...So when the door slides open, and I open my eyes, and I come face to face with a man I do not know, I already lost.
I had become so focused on Shirou I forgot about the possibility of other people living with him. Why do I always mess up at the most important moment!?
Looking down, he noticed me. "Hmm? and who might you be, young lady?" A scruff voice that matched his rugged look. The man wore a worn business suit, and there was luggage behind him. It was as if he was just about to go on a trip at that moment.
He smelled like smoke. I forget all about my introduction immediately. This man... His eyes were sharp. Not mocking like Kirei, but this was a serious adult... I had not prepared for this when looking for Emiya.
"Me!?" My voice broke a little despite myself. Why am I acting so weak!? Pull yourself together, Rin! I took a deep breath and put on my best smile.
"Uhh, Is Shirou-kun here!?" My nerves were tickling me off. I felt that... I should be careful, but my words had a tone suggesting I was looking for someone I would beat up.
...The way this is going, that's not entirely a bad idea...
"Shirou-kun...?" He sent a look that brought a shiver down my spine. "Any reason why would you be looking for someone named that?"
"Uh... yes?" I said weakly and nodded.
"And what might that be?" He was... weirdly suspicious, which made me suspicious of him back. Who's this guy to get in my way now!?
"Uh, well! He's my friend...!" I crossed my arms as if to signify my challenge to him. I took his glare head-on with my own.
He continued for a moment before backing down, "...Haha, alright... friend, is it? Then I better let you in then." He unblocked the entrance and moved to the side. "I'm happy to see that Shirou has made a friend. What's your name?"
"Why should I tell you? I don't know who you are?" I put my hand on my hips and projected at him.
"Hoho, alright... I am Shirou's father, Emiya Kiritsugu." He seemed proud of saying it.
The father? Shirou has definitely mentioned him before. Although I tend to control our conversations, sometimes I let Shirou talk about himself. I am gracious that way.
He always just tells me about his dad or that evil witch: Fujimura. He never says anything about himself. Well... It's not like I want to know about him or anything! Seeing him now, Shirou and his father look nothing alike. Weird...
"Shirou is packing up. We're leaving today... so you can find him in his room." He said without worry.
...What...? Emiya...kun... can't leave... That's not fair...
I was... going to hire him as a butler once I got the chance. This time I was going to really give him no choice...
He can't just leave. I must give my name to uphold the honour of my family! "I am Tohsaka Rin, and I'm Shirou's best friend! You're not allowed to leave!" I said so without thinking. A deep thorn in my chest was hurting me. The words just came out...
I was embarrassed, so I couldn't be blamed for not noticing the cold atmosphere until it was too late.
(Music stop)
Tick tick; tick tick. The clock on the wall became the only noise in the entrance. Did... Did I do something wrong? This man... A dark cloud passed above us, bringing the august light down into its dark embrace. With it, man's mood soured, and it seemed like he instantly entered into a state of extreme focus.
"You are... Tohsaka?" He asked again. His hands rested at his side.
Premonition of a Storm (Music) /LXqJTA7WjnQ
The man looked down at me, but it felt like his shadow grew larger and larger behind him ...Or was it that I was shrinking underneath his gaze? Gone was the man from before, the glare he gave me now was serious. "Shirou and I will be leaving today, so I would kindly ask you to leave."
...Huh? My heart jumped. My knees had trouble moving through. I looked at my hand. It was shaking a little. I held it with my other hand and kept myself together. You're not just some little girl... you are Tohsaka Rin, and you don't back down. I take another deep breath. "I-I... just want to see Emiya-kun..." I really need to talk to him... I need to know some things...
Then he said something that crushed all the delusions I tried to build. "Have you said anything to the Church? Or the Association?" He held my shoulder in a position that allowed no escape. The world started to ring, but it was too late to stop me from hearing what he said.
"...!" My stomach dropped. Then... it dropped some more. "I-I..." what..? the words weren't coming. Why am I here again? I had come to see...
"Listen to my voice. Have you told anyone about this place?" The words carried something unnatural into me. It shouldn't work... but it does. I'm too weak to put up a defence.
It isn't a compulsion, more of a request. Normally, I would never do anything anyone told me to do, but... I was feeling very weak all of a sudden. "No, I have not told anyone about this place." The words come out breathlessly; I have no control over it at all. My own voice sounds like a robot.
I had lost before it began. "Hah.." He sighed deeply, I couldn't move, and everything was cold. "...Sorry about that..." He let go of my shoulder, I stumbled a little. I had to shake my head to make the coldness go away.
"Listen, do not tell anyone about me... I will be leaving town for a few days. We can talk in a week. " He looked more tired than scary now. "Could you do that for me?" He looked almost kindly.
My heart was beating fast, and my head hurt. I felt the compulsion to accept. "... A week... will listen" That's fine. This is fine. Everything is fine.
My head hurts.
As If the entire last three minutes were excised from my memory, stored for reemergence in a week's time, I awoke. Weirdly specific delusion, Tohsaka.
Let's... um... what were we doing again?
Then the whole world started to feel a little off. 'I'm here... I have to...? What... am I doing? I was talking to Shirou's dad... Yes, he looked not like Shirou at all, then I came in?'
I must have spaced it out. I'm... not just some kid... I'm not. ...I must have gotten distracted. '...Shirou, where is Shirou?' Opening my eyes, I spin around the unfamiliar room.
I feel... scared... really scared for some reason. And in answer, I felt someone come and tap my shoulder. "..." I hadn't noticed it, but someone was saying something to me.
All at once, like coming up from being underwater, I could hear again clearly. "Tohsaka? Are you okay?" The voice broke the cold spell taking hold of my head.
It was the boy. "Shi-rou?" What is going on? So much confusion is swirling around in my head. You're leaving me... my only friend...
I should be angry by now... Why wasn't I angry? For so long, the only response was anger. Anger can be there for you when you need it; it gives you the strength to say the things you wouldn't normally say.
I was comfortable with anger and wore it like an old jacket. Of course, it's not my fault people always make me angry. But... I wasn't angry... I felt very, very calm. It's like the feeling of being struck over the head. You feel far away. Red hair entered my view. "Tohsaka... are you alright?" The boy was looking anywhere but my eyes... Look at me, why don't you look at me?
I had no way of dealing with anything anymore. And so, I held onto something I felt safe with.
Ever-present feeling /3L1DEvzsftw
I hugged him and cried. It was more humiliating than in my room, but once it started, there was no way it was going to end until it all came out.
Pain. It flowed out in the form of tears and soaked into his skin.
A hug between kids is common, so why? Why were there tears? I'm strong... Daddy... I'm not... weak... I swear it.
I was so afraid that Dad somehow saw this, but all I could do was hold him closer. To hide from everything. The rules of the family, the red ribbon, and the depravity of Kirei.
Can't I have something other than that?
...I haven't hugged someone... in four years... There hasn't been anyone would I would do that with. There is no longer anyone left... I guess until now. Wait... he's leaving me... you're my best friend, and now you're leaving too? Traitor. But... he wouldn't do that unless he needed to...
"Gagh... Shirou... don't go..." I pushed my face into his shoulder, hiding the tears. What are you making me do? He lightly tapped at my back, we were both small, so it worked. He was confused. These were the tears meant for Dad... and giving them away to the first friend I find... Isn't that pathetic?
Stay with me. Don't let me freeze to death at home. ... I'm weak on the inside, you know... Why? Why can't I just be strong all by myself? I can do it. I know I can.
I'm fine... All by myself. In the cold house with Kirei as my only real connection. I could do it. And yet... isn't there someone who is supposed to be on your side, someone that can hold you up? Am I really not allowed to have someone? ...I don't want to think of myself as some unfortunate kid...
Shirou... broke that possibility. And now he's leaving without taking responsibility. And... he had been something closer to me than I fully realized. Being close to him now, I couldn't even lie to myself about what I felt, the unnatural electricity coursing from his skin. A shock to my mind cleared all my delusions and finally forced me to admit what was probably obvious from the beginning.
Emiya Shirou has magic... the fact I tried everything to ignore. I understand that now. I didn't know how I would deal with that. That could wait. The tea. The strange tingling sensation when he was around. The walks and trips to Shinto... The obvious solution I denied from the start. It was all right.
Emiya-kun... is like me... I realized that, and didn't know what to do. I... don't want to let go... I didn't want to return to the cold now that I knew warmth. When you learn to live without something you lost, you can live with that, but if you get it back again…
You know you can't just go it all alone forever...
...
I like Emiya Shirou.
It's not like I like like him, that would be weird...! And it's not like I'll ever say it out loud!
But... I like him. And I don't want to lose the things I like. A magus wins. They don't lose. So, Kirei, call me weak, but I think you're wrong. You don't have to hate everything but magic. You only have to hate one person...
...There's nothing more to think about then. I stopped crying but forgot to let go of him. "You... don't have to go, you know, I can... figure something out. I can make things right..." Just like I did with those kidnapped kids, I am strong. I can make things right for the ones I don't want to lose. "I forgive you... so don't go." It doesn't matter if you have some small magic... in fact, I could even help that... so, don't leave! Or else I'll become so cold that I'll live my life without any chance of healing, and I'll find you and turn you into kindling.
Then... he finally responded. "Oh, well, I'm going to London... I can stay if you want but... it's just a week... Haha..." His laugh was nervous, but it seemed to mock me.
(Music Stop)
'...Huh?' I... was wrong? No... this... can't be. A killer instinct grew in her core. Kill... you.
The temporary weakness had been lost. "Are you feeling better, Tohsaka?" Idiot asked, completely unaware of everything. As always, he pushed me into a situation where I lost control. This time there is no one in the way to stop me. The man had stepped away.
She liked him... but... I hate you...! Why? Why do you always make me do these things? How do I come here so ready, and then I'm leaving a mess? I don't get it? With that, the anger returned, and all peace was lost. Spirit had returned to her body.
"...What?" The idiot looked at her, oblivious to her rumbling emotions. That set her off, once and for all. She was definitely happy, though. He had restored to her the energy that had seemed to have been drained for some reason... even if he had done it in such a way. No one did that but him.
No one was there for her the same way... and... so, she would repay him for that. "You... IDIOT!"' And so I slapped him hard on his cheek, ran home, buried myself in my pillows, and screamed.
Author's notes:
This was originally going to be put at the start of the next Shirou chapter, but it ended up being more than I thought. I had the inspiration for both a Tohsaka and Sakura chapter. Some real major character development going on here. Don't worry though. I think that these are going to be the last few character-based chapters before moving into more narrative-based chapters.
I was torn on who to give the awaited bus showdown perspective to, and I ended up giving it to Sakura... who is the most unlikely perspective. Sakura is unreliable; she is nonverbal though and sometimes notices things no one else does. She was also very quiet, so that would have left us with really just Tohsaka and Shirou talking and Sakura kinda just being there. So she had to be the pov.
Poor Shirou always receives the blame for things he didn't do. Poor Kiritsugu having to use Magic on a kid like that. Poor everyone, really.
My least favourite character in fate has to be Shirou, nah jk it's Shinji. But I give Shinji some attention in the story as a minor antagonist who Shirou can't come to terms with.
The next chapter is going to be done either later today or tomorrow.
Reviews and critique are always read and appreciated.
I'll talk about 100k next chapter.